Latest / Get Curious, Not Furious / Not Ready Yet

Transcript

Not Ready Yet · Get Curious, Not Furious

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You love your child more than anything, and some days they drive you crazy.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Colette, a speech and language therapist, sense maker, and number three.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Get Curious, Not Furious.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Together let's make sense of your child and what's really happening in those moments that feel out of control.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Less reacting, more understanding.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to get curious instead of furious, keep listening.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: From leaving the playground to getting ready for bed, transitions can be some of the hardest moments in your child's day.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: In this episode, we explore why transitions can be so challenging, why stopping one activity and starting another can feel overwhelming, and how attachment, predictability, and connection all play a role.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll share practical relationship-based strategies to make everyday transition smoother, whether it's leaving the park, turning off the TV, or saying goodbye.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: When we understand what's behind the behavior, we can respond in ways that help our children feel safe and supported and make those moments easier.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is a transition?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: A transition is any moment in your child's day where they're moving from doing one thing to another, playing with one toy to playing with a different toy, being at home to going out the door.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why are transitions so hard for young children?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the younger they are, the harder it is for them to understand what's going on.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are lots of things to understand in a transition.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: It means finishing something they're not ready to finish.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It means understanding the words that you say.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Can they come back to doing that activity or place again?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes coming back to a place isn't an option.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting in the library recently doing some work, and I overheard a parent trying to get her young child to leave.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: She gave him the instruction, I would say he was about two years old, it's time to go.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't follow her.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: She repeated the instruction again, he didn't follow her, and finally she said, I'm leaving.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now that instantly triggered his separation alarm, and he complied.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I wondered in that moment, was there anything she could have done differently?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: We see this so often at a playground in public places.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Parents play what I call the ace card.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm leaving, even if you're not ready.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is really frightening for our children when we threaten to leave without them.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So of course you'll get compliance.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Then as a parent, you think, okay, that's a great strategy.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to tell them I'm leaving, and then they'll come with me.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: The downside to using that strategy is that they're leaving the activity they don't want to leave out of fear that you're going to leave them, not because they're feeling connected to you and are happy to leave and move on to something else.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you might have noticed that you've used the strategy of I'm leaving and it backfires on you.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Your child refuses to leave, they keep playing, they ignore you, or worse, they tell you, I don't care, you can go.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do then?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're stuck because it's actually unlikely that you can really leave them.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I will admit that I have used this strategy from time to time in moments of pure frustration and feeling under pressure to get out the door.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Anytime I do use it, it backfires on me, everyone gets more upset, I get more frustrated, my children are varying responses, I don't care, you can leave without me.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: If we as parents know that transitions are difficult, and we do nothing to change how they go, then we can't expect them to be smooth or to go any differently.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now the goal isn't perfect smooth transitions every time, as our children are growing and maturing, and there will be times where they're upset, and there will be times where we have to say, I know you still want to stay and play, but it's time to go home.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pause for a moment and think about how many transitions you have to manage in your day as an adult.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're in the middle of a task, your boss, partner, child come along and tell you it's time to leave, it's time to do something else.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is that easy for you?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: What strategies do you use so that you can stop and transition to the next thing?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: These are strategies you've likely developed using your thinking brain.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that you go, oh, I'll just make some quick notes so I know what I was doing when I come back.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'm going to turn the stove off so that I can come and help you with something.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're out of capacity, feeling frustrated, feeling stressed, out of your side your window of tolerance, then you won't be able to access these strategies.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that you're an adult and you've had time to learn and practice these strategies so that transitions are smooth for you, and you probably still have times where transitions don't go smoothly.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it easier to transition if you're excited about the next thing?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: What about if your boss asks you to do a task you really don't enjoy or find difficult?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you put the brakes on, procrastinate, find other things to do?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is your boss going to grab your hand or physically pick you up and make you do what they have asked?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds ridiculous when we say it like that, and yet we're okay doing that to our children at times?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: There is a difference between a caring lead and using our physical strength or power to make our children comply.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think is going on in your child's brain and body when they're finding it hard to transition from one thing to the next?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are children being upset in those moments of transition is okay, finding their tears that they need to leave someone or something that they're really enjoying doing, that leads to healthy adaptation and builds their resilience.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: When we as adults get angry or frustrated or threaten to leave them when they're not ready for a transition, it's unhelpful and it's highly alarming for them.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: When our children fall apart at transitions, it can be for a whole bunch of different reasons.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just the basics.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're overwhelmed, they're hungry, they're thirsty, they're tired.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And they fall apart at the transition because they are already outside their window of tolerance.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They might find the transition hard because they have difficulty processing the words that you say and holding all that information in their working memory.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: When we repeat a verbal instruction thinking this will help them, it only adds to the load on their working memory.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little bit like listening to a choir singing in harmony.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain wants to tune in and understand the words, but the different parts of the choir singing in harmony creates overlap and noise that can be really hard to filter.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: When you give your child an instruction, it's time to put your shoes on, and they don't do it, and then you repeat the instruction again or you change it slightly, that all just becomes noise in their head.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it is really hard for them to process it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might then look like they ignore you.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: That might be their way of tuning out because it's too much to make sense of all your words.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Transitions often involve saying goodbye to someone, school, kindy drop-off.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And these are emotionally charged because your child is separating from you.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: In an earlier episode, we talked about when saying goodbye is hard.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can go back and listen to that episode if those goodbye transitions are particularly tricky for you and your child.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even though your child might be happy after you leave, that moment of facing transition, facing separation from you is really hard.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Our younger children don't have a concept of time, and even if you say I'll be back after work, that's that there's no meaning or anchor point or reference point for them.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so in that moment of that transition, of you leaving or them having to leave, their brain is focused on the upset and not being able to predict when you'll come back.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: You might notice that your child falls apart when you get back and pick them up from Kindy and it's time to transition home.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: That might be because it's their way of letting out all those feelings of sadness and frustration that they've been holding on to.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: A teacher or another parent might say, Oh, he was playing happily before you arrived.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: How does that make you feel?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is that supportive and welcoming?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: It implies that you're the problem.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: What about if your child has been holding it all in, waiting for you to return, so there is space for their feelings?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Our children can have difficulty knowing and predicting what's going to happen.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: The more out of routine our home life is, the more likely they are to find transitions overwhelming.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't know what to expect.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they may not yet have the language or communication skills to tell you that.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: So instead, their behavior is their way of communicating.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Pause for a moment and think about transitions that go well.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: What is it about those transitions that makes them easier?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: What is it about your frame of mind and your regulation in those moments?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what's going on for your child when a transition goes well?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that they're transitioning to something they're really looking forward to?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that they're going to do something with you?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that they're ready to be finished, the thing that they were doing, and that they know that they can come back and play with it another time?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about transitions off of screens, which can be highly emotionally charged and lead to lots and lots of upset for everyone.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: No matter what age you are or age your child is, devices get in the way of relational connection.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: In Gordon Neufeld's words, they are the thief of attachment.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: They draw your child in and offer a dopamine hit that's addictive and enthralling.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So how can you make your attachment to them stronger than their connection to a device?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know in my house, my 11-year-old has had quite a hard time with transitioning off of screen time.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a new problem.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: This has been something we've been working on for quite some time.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: What I notice is that if others aren't available to play with him, if I'm not available, if I'm busy doing something, that he defaults to looking for a screen for connection when others aren't available to play.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: He is seeking connection, but when those needs can't be immediately met by others, he seeks a device.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now you would think that at 11 maybe he should have matured enough to be able to play independently for a length of time.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a part of his development where he is, you know, maturation is slower than it is in other areas.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: If he's got a physical activity that he's looking forward to doing, if he's engrossed in a book, if he's got some music to listen to, then he can play, engage independently with those activities.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: But he's very, very sociable and he has a really strong drive to connect and relate to others.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So for him, playing independently isn't something that he's naturally drawn to or really enjoys doing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So just because he's 11 and I might think he should be able to play alone, experience tells me he hasn't developed that skill yet.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it's no wonder that transitions off the device are supercharged for him.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried lots of different strategies.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried consequences.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't turn it off now, you won't get it tomorrow.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Crashing out, as he calls it.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is me getting frustrated when the device won't go away.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried first do this and then that.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've even tried incentivizing him with more time tomorrow if he comes off today.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I cringe when I think of these strategies.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: None of them have been effective at really changing his behavior around the transition off of device time.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what has been most effective?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: If I sit alongside and connect with him and whatever it is that he's playing or watching, and have a plan for what we're going to do together when he is finished.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't have to be anything long or really time consuming, but just something that brings him back into connection with me.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: The more often I can do this, the fewer highly charged transitions we have, and that is slowly, slowly leading to him being able to turn off the device when asked.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can hear some of you thinking, what on earth is she doing?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: She just needs to be much firmer, tell him it's time to put the device away, close it, and take it out of his hands.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have tried that occasionally, and let me tell you, it has not gone well.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: It has led to him getting really, really frustrated and escalated and supercharged with emotion, and it doesn't leave either of us feeling good about how device time finishes.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have made a choice to play the long game.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: My goal isn't that he will comply and turn his device off the moment that I ask.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: My goal is that he can enjoy his device time and know that it's not a substitute for a relationship and connection with others, and that when he's given a signal, you've got five more minutes, that he can go, okay, I'm really enjoying this game, and I have five more minutes today, and I can come back to it at another time.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can go and relate, I can go and connect with mom, I can find something else to play with.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: If I step in, take the device from his hands, that leaves him feeling too angry, upset, and frustrated to be able to move on to something else.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I can hear some of you probably thinking, wow, she's a real softy.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: She really just needs to take it off him and make him stop when the time's up.
• 13:29
  unknown: Hmm.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've also tried that.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, after a week of trying to do that, it still didn't change how transitioning off device time went for him.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: The only strategy that's been effective is coming alongside him, making sure that we connect and that he's able to bridge to an activity with me when device time needs to finish.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this is highly time consuming, but in the long run, it's leading to him being able to adapt and show that when mom says, Oh, device time is finished, that he can manage that transition more smoothly without getting really upset and really escalated.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I like to play the long game.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, taking time with transitions isn't about being permissive.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just because your child refuses to transition doesn't mean you go, oh, okay, darling, no problem.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can just, you know, let me know when you're ready to be done.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: What you really want to do is get curious about what makes it hard.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: The less predictable, the more challenging it's likely to be.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is there too much separation and your child doesn't know how to hold on to you when they're apart?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Are they hungry, thirsty, tired?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is your child stuck in a play plan and not able to shift their focus of attention?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: There are many reasons why children find transitions difficult.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is to reflect on transitions and get curious about what it might be that's making it so hard.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are some strategies that you can try.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can be playful.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: If it's time to leave the park or leave the library and your child doesn't want to go, you can turn it into a game.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what we can find outside.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: For younger children, maybe you can pretend to move like an animal.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm going to be an elephant stomping my way to the car.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on what's next.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the thing that they're going to do, not what they are leaving.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the connection to the person rather than the saying goodbye.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Give an instruction once and give them time to respond.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't keep repeating it.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can keep the momentum going.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes if you sing an instruction rather than say it, that can help their brain to tune in.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can let them know in advance that it's when they're finished brushing their teeth, then it will be time to get in the car.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Using time, that really depends on the age of your child, whether some children really like a visual timer, because if you say to them five minutes, they don't have a good sense of what that means.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if you show them in a visual way what five minutes looks like, they can go, oh, okay, that's how much time that I have.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is to get to know your child and figure out what strategy's going to work.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to be predictable.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: You do need to know when you need to pause, come alongside and connect with them before following through.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: The more emotionally charged transitions are, the more likely they are to stay that way.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're unpredictable, if your response varies from one time to another, then that's much harder for your child to know what to expect.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that can lead to transitions being more difficult.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that you come in with firmness and overpowering them.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's also going to cause more upset and distress.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, how can I be calmly predictable without being overly rigid and inflexible?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: A really helpful strategy for children who are having difficulty with transitions is using visuals to support their understanding.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, visuals is where we use a picture.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: This can be an actual picture of the thing that they're doing, or a symbolic picture of a car, for example, and you use this picture to show them when you say the word, we're going in the car, and you show them the picture of the car.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can also build this up into a sequence of first brushing teeth, then story time, or first shoes on, then getting in the car.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: For our children with developmental differences, language delays, sensory processing differences, then having this visual cue to help them understand what's happening is really, really helpful.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you can allow time for unhurried transitions, especially when you know they're going to be challenging.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Honor your words.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you say it's time to put your shoes on, stick with that calmly and gently.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't change what you want them to do just because they're refusing to do the first thing that you ask them to do.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you know your child tends to refuse when you say one thing, then plan ahead and offer some choice.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: For example, shoes or jacket first.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Don't repeat the instruction multiple times.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the choir singing in harmony and all the different noises that you can filter and tune into.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Say it once, pause and wait before you repeat it.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you find yourself repeating instructions more than twice, then you need a different strategy.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have their attention?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Have you connected with them when you give them the instruction?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you busily getting yourself ready, shouting a command down the hallway in their direction, and expecting them to transition and get ready?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Shift the focus from compliance to connection.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Avoiding transitions completely and letting your child decide what they will or won't do is not helpful.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean you overpower them with your will and make them do things they don't want to do.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, if it's a health and safety issue, then you will need to step in.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if they're putting themselves in danger and trying to run across the road when it's time to get in the car, then yes, you need to get in, you need to get in there and keep them safe.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: But if this is happening on a regular basis and this is how transitions into the car go all the time, then you have some work to do.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: You have some work to do to get curious and figure out what is driving their upset and frustration.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Our job as parents is to take the lead when necessary, doing this in a relational way, bridging to the next point of connection, recognizing where our child is at in those challenging moments, and finding ways to make transitions predictable and safe.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Young children thrive on predictability in the context of safe relationships.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: When we take time to pause and connect, tune into what our children need in those moments that are tricky, then there are lots of things that we can do to make transitions smoother and easier for everyone.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting your child to be the one to make magical changes in moments of transition is unrealistic.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to get curious, take some time to reflect on how you feel about transitions, how you manage them yourself, what are your expectations of your child in those moments of transitions, and then think about are those expectations realistic?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than trying to change all transitions in one go, pick one or two key transitions in the day that if they were to go differently, it would make things much easier.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where you can put your focus of attention.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you try some of the strategies that I've talked about, for example, using visuals, giving them time to understand, making it playful to transition to the next thing, avoiding using the I'm gonna leave you to get them to comply.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you're still finding that transitions are really, really challenging, then reach out and ask for some help.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out to a professional who is skilled working with children and can understand transitions from a relational developmental perspective.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear what's happening in your family.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a parenting question, challenge, or concern, send me a message.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Together we can make sense of what's going on.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode helpful, please like it, share it with another parent, and follow the podcast to help grow this community.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay curious.