Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 44: 5 straight-up lies we tell ourselves when we experience adversity

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Ep. 44: 5 straight-up lies we tell ourselves when we experience adversity · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

• 0:01
  Well, hello there. The kids have earned their
• 0:04
  screen time for the day. So I thought I would hop on the
• 0:08
  mic and do what is a little bit, not a little bit.
• 0:12
  It is a sequel to an earlier episode I did about maybe a year
• 0:18
  ago that was called 5 Stats about Adversity that may
• 0:21
  surprise you, something like that.
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  So that was actually one of my top 10 episodes.
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  This is sequel to that episode. All right, so lie number one,
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  the first lie we tell ourselves about adversity.
• 0:37
  So this one, if I were stronger, this wouldn't hurt.
• 0:42
  I'm sure a lot of my my guests who I've interviewed have gone
• 0:47
  through disease, cancer, major accidents, disabilities,
• 0:54
  situations that are difficult to go through.
• 0:57
  And what could often come in our heads when we're in the middle
• 1:01
  of adversity is if I were stronger, I like, I should be
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  OK, I should be dealing with this better.
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  So many of my guests have proven the point that feeling pain is
• 1:14
  actually not weakness, more of a strength because you're actually
• 1:18
  confronting the pain versus numbing it or taking it out on
• 1:23
  other people. In episode 29 on narcissism with
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  Professor Vaknin, we talk about narcissists and how they
• 1:31
  basically have no ability to self regulate, so they use other
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  people. So if you're able to self
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  regulate, feel pain, and calm yourself down, you are actually
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  emotionally mature, strong human, right?
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  So that lie, if I were stronger, that this wouldn't hurt.
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  It's a lie. The people that take things out
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  on other people, narcissists, people with anger management
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  issues, that's actually quite weak because they mask how they
• 2:04
  feel because they actually can't face those feelings.
• 2:07
  So if it's hurting, that means you're actually feeling it and
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  you're not taking it out on somebody, which is good for you.
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  Lie, number one, lie #2 that we tell ourselves during adversity.
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  Time heals everything. Actually, it doesn't.
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  It doesn't heal everything. I don't know who said this, but
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  healing heals everything. So you could be 40 years past
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  something and if you haven't dealt with it doesn't matter.
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  I think what I've learned through therapy, through my
• 2:40
  guests had therapists on the podcast.
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  Healing. You Actually have to feel to get
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  through it. There's the three different
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  ways. There's like buffering,
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  processing. I don't even know what the other
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  one is, but if you're buffering, you're kind of just like staying
• 3:00
  busy and not actually feeling it.
• 3:01
  To actual actually process you, you can't be distracted.
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  You have to actually feel the anger or the grief or the
• 3:09
  frustration. So it's actually what you do
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  with the time that matters when you're healing, not just how
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  much time has passed. So keep that in mind.
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  Time does not heal everything. Inner work on yourself heals it.
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  And the more you do it, the faster you heal.
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  I think all right, lie #3 here that you tell yourself during
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  adversity, everyone else is coping better than me.
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  I'm going to call bullshit on that.
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  Most of what people post is sort of that highlight reel of what
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  they're going through in life. It's the best parts.
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  The point of my podcast is to not just highlight the best
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  parts of life, but actually highlight the real parts of
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  life. But not just end there, but get
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  advice from people who have gone through it on how to like
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  transmute adversity into something good.
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  But the lie that everyone else is coping better than I am.
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  We all think that everyone struggles.
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  Most just don't post about it. I'm purposely posting about
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  struggles and good things. You don't need to be like super
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  negative all the time. But be real.
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  I think we've all had points in our life where we have looked OK
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  and we're not. So if you think everyone else is
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  coping better than you are, two years ago when I was going
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  through a total breakdown, a lot of people didn't even know.
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  I'm very good at hiding it when I needed to like, function
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  because I didn't really want to like, break down in public.
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  But you have no idea what people are going through.
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  So nobody's coping better than you.
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  They're just coping with different things than you.
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  Lie #4 I should be over this by now.
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  When you're going through adversity total a lie.
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  There is no timeline for healing.
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  Based on the therapy I've done, based on what I've read and
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  based on what my 25 guests have said, it doesn't have like a
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  clock in, clock out timeline of this is when you heal from this
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  type of abuse or this, this grief, trauma growth.
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  They don't really follow a schedule.
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  And I think everybody's different, depends on where
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  you're at. And I think for me, the more
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  faith I have and I'm growing in that, the easier and faster my
• 5:40
  healing becomes. I don't think that you get to
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  like a finish line of being over something, but you know how to
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  cope with thoughts related to it.
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  Perhaps line #5 this adversity will define me forever.
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  It definitely defines portions of our life, but I think it's
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  important to remember that adversity doesn't have to seal
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  our identity, especially if you have faith you can have that
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  rebirth and be someone different once you acknowledge your
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  mistakes. There has to be accountability,
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  though. You often hear the metaphor of
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  like the book in the chapter. You could have a couple of
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  really bad chapters, but like the whole book could totally end
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  up a different way. It's definitely A twist in the
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  plot when you don't expect adversity that's going to come
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  your way. Maybe some adversity we do
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  expect and we're like, OK, yeah, that happens.
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  But when it's the kind that you don't want, I think I've felt
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  that where you think this is going to define me forever.
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  Definitely thought that 2 two years ago when I was going
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  through narcissistic abuse bullshit.
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  But if it has defined me forever, it's defined how strong
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  I am and it's this podcast was born out of it.
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  So go ahead and define me because in a good way.
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  Certain experiences but we're never like 1 experience on my 43
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  years. I'm a collection of experiences
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  but some chapters are more impactful than others.
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  So yes, it will define you, part of you, but not forever.
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  So just to kind of recap, I've got the five lies here, the five
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  lies we tell ourselves when we're going through adversity.
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  Lie number one, if I were stronger, this wouldn't hurt.
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  Lie number two, time heals everything.
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  Line #3 everyone else is coping better than I am.
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  Line number four, I should be over this by now.
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  And lie #5 this will define me forever.
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  So I guess for the week, I had a good church, you know, at church
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  they always say like, think about this for the week, right?
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  So maybe podcasts can kind of set a challenge regardless of
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  what your religion is. One of those challenges.
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  Can we pick one that we're going to try to challenge this week?
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  How about I should be over this by now?
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  Whatever you're going through when that lie comes up, just
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  remember like healing is not related to a deadline.
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  Maybe you'll get spontaneous healing that does happen, but
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  probably not. So just work towards having a
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  better relationship with the situation over time.
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  I feel like that's healing. All right.
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  Well, if you like this episode, go ahead and follow review, blah
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  blah blah blah. Hopefully you will be aware of
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  those five lies if they present themselves to you this week.
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  When you're going through adversity, they all mask truths
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  about adversity. It will not last forever.
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  It won't define you, and no one else is coping better than you.
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  Time doesn't heal everything. Active work heals everything.
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  And if you were stronger, this wouldn't hurt.
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  Life just hurts sometimes. So hopefully this was helpful.
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  And I think this will be episode 44.
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  And then I got another episode 45 with Meryl coming out about
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  narcissism in the workplace. Thank you so much, Talk to you
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  soon.