Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / "Then Just Divorce Him Already" | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep471

Transcript

"Then Just Divorce Him Already" | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep471 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to quit.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why don't she just divorce them already?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Labeling your partner, and I'm gonna go with Narcot.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Submitting to your husband triggers versus cognitive distortions, guys.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, this might trigger you and put you into your own distortion.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: 90% of marriages fail.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to quit.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, why don't she just divorce him already?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to More of Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, if you don't know, um we give our perspectives to the opposite sex in our programs.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: The men and women are separate.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um and uh recently, one of Catherine's women, uh wow, I mean the anger and um I was gonna say and frustration, but it was pure resentment, contempt.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, with with I mean in her husband sounds like he is a real asshole.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like he's a real asshole.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I just literally listened to her for a few minutes and then I just thought her and I said, Well then why don't you just fucking divorce him already?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And she took a step back, and then she immediately said, I I want to.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so here's the danger, okay?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: The danger is this.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you think this way, which is what happens, because most of you took a while to find this podcast and you thought about leaving.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Most of you will never get a coach, let's get real.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're too lazy or too cheap to do the real work to follow through.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just telling you like it is, because we know the numbers.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: We've got nearly two million followers across platforms, and we don't even have 20,000 of you in the program yet.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, that's a pretty small percentage, guys, um, considering.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, let's just assume you're gonna be like pretty much most of the population, and your thought process, because you don't need anybody to tell you, is I do want to divorce them.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the difference when you have a coach.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to start asking for scenarios, seeing where she could show up.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why I did that was because I would say, I would learn a little bit of information, and then I would say, well, then why don't you try this?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I did already.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I do that.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've always done that.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have that other um that other couple that I'm working with right now.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: She's in your program, he's in my program, I'm doing one-on-one with them, and she's like, I've tried that.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you guys have tried a lot of things.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't tried everything.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: We know it because fuck, I just got back from Vegas and I learned a whole bunch more new shit.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if we're gonna build on shit like that, then how could you have tried everything if we are still learning and still building and creating?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, I want you to start to distinguish.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't break away from, I have tried everything, I just want to quit.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, what she was saying was, I can't stand the way he treats me.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's only nice when he wants to talk about the divorce papers.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can't break away from that, and worse, you're going to somewhere else to get validation because that's what she was looking for.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I told you, but I had to say to her, I am not gonna validate you for fucking quitting.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when I can identify 10 things that you haven't done right in a 25-minute coach, coaching session.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are you kidding me?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, one of the things she did was she had a uh surprise part, he got really, really upset.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to talk to you.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, baby, I'm all yours, let's go.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's all you had to say.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he's just gonna say, see, when you guys want to divorce your partner already, right?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You want to quit?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You already assume the way they're gonna treat you.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe she would be right, but then we went through the next step, either way.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's why coaching is so important.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can role play, you can play this thing out, like, could we can look at other angles.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: The thing is, when you guys want to quit, you already know what's happening in your mind.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're backing up why you want to quit.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know who I'm talking about?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Who I'm talking about?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I think so.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no, I don't, because I'm thinking of the woman that he's leaving.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: The contemptuous woman that he's leaving.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he wants to leave also.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Then I think I do know.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Got you.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why this is so important is because most of you don't even understand how to how to properly ask your partner to join them.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because you, I mean, because most of you don't even know how to properly implement everything.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you think you've tried something, even if you hear it on this podcast, let's say, you probably haven't thought of every angle that you can use to actually move it forward.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this woman is a good example because she is actually in the program.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: She's not just listening to podcasts, and when she was able to share examples and stories about how she used tools from Catherine, I was able to stop her and say, but that's not using it the way Catherine teaches it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: That may be the way you interpreted it.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we have coaching.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad you're here right now.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You want to say something?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was so the woman that I'm thinking of, the other thing that happened in this situation, because I talked to the same woman, I I gave her kind of a lecture on it's time to leave.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And and this is why, because she went through my program, she changed.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: When she came into the program, she was so angry, and she got so great.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: But because he wasn't responding the way that she, because he's leaving, he wasn't responding the way that she wanted, she went back to the woman that she used to be.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: So by the time you started coaching her, she went back to the old her.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so I said, You have no so I said, I wanted to know what you said, and and Dennis said to her, and I said, You you needed you need to get back to where you are because now what's happening is Cass and Dennis are right.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're not a white pick offense project woman.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: You are not the woman that I even saw a month ago.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, who are you?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I told her that I heard.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I heard you on the phone with Cass, and I said, What is that?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I said, She doesn't talk to me like that.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And could I said, You're so angry, and she agreed, and I was like, it's time to not let him do this to you anymore.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if that means you have to let him go, even temporarily, whatever you need to do to stop, because you are angry like you were three months ago when you came or six months ago, whatever it was that you came to the program.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now you're worse.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: What happened to the woman that I talked to a month ago?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is amazing.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: That was able to use the tools.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing because I just recently started joining Dennis to help in giving the men's perspective again.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And uh essentially, the very first call I spoke to her, and the way she presented her using WPF, Catherine's program, I was like, well, then we should talk about asking and we should talk about motivating with a boundary.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: None of that is, by the way, boundary of divorce, like she's talking about right now, okay?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: None of that.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I walked several through two women, three women through there.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: One specifically, I wanted to go with a boundary for divorce.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, but this what's interesting about this woman is she remembers herself as the woman who used this.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Who was doing it well, but the moment she's coached properly, she sees that she's not, and i.e., you're able to go back to her and say, You're not the woman anymore.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Here's why.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because the moment you're reverting back, go back to last episode when I was talking about recording a fight.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Two, two episodes ago.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about recording a fight.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I talked in that episode about Catherine maintaining herself as a woman when I was backsliding.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, no matter how much this woman is being mistreated very poorly, by the way, by her husband, she's a real fucking asshole, I might add.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, if she's an asshole too, then she's not gonna go anywhere good.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're not doing anything different.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: You can go ahead, but you're not gonna get anywhere.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't matter how well you use the program, it doesn't matter how well you implemented it, if you inherently go backwards, then you're an asshole too.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then you are just divorcing.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that you wasted time, it's that you're a fucking quitter.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you just listen to this, uh, sorry, if you just watch the program, and then you hear his coach, and and then you think back to our story, why you come here, and you think, wait a minute, he actually lost his fucking mind again, Catherine Coyne did a narco two and a half years ago, and maintained herself as a woman, the woman she wanted to be, that's not quitting.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And how we know this is true is because the moment you get contemptuous, you're not maintaining the new you.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're learning from the podcast, from our courses, from whatever book you're fucking reading, if you start to get angry, that's a secondary emotion.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you amplify into contemptuous feelings and behavior, that's a terrible person.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, it's secondary.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Still, it's never actually addressing the real root issue, which is really, by the time we were done with her, she just couldn't stand feeling terrible by the way he treated her, which is a self-fulfilling problem.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter how they treat you.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's how Catherine was able to influence me.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't matter how I treated her, she stayed, and even just improved, and approved, and approved, actually.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: I had my moments where I backslid for sure, but mostly, mostly improved.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's not easy, guys.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's I we don't want you to think that when we explain it, that it's easy.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was not easy for me to do what I did at all.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't let anybody throw themselves a pity party because I had to deal with some really serious stuff, some really serious behaviors and abuse from my husband.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I had to learn how to keep my composure, and the biggest thing that I learned was maintaining my integrity.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that is not easy because you want to be an asshole back to an asshole.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, just so you you know we can humanize Catherine, she has messed up.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there have been times that I've done it better and I've done it more appropriately.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like you got like you guys gotta realize you'll never be perfect.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Life is still going to challenge you.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, though, who are you?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I can tell you this like, contempt doesn't rule us.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like the real bad shit doesn't rule us.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: If I get angry, almost always, I'm not acting in anger.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can just see it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like the same sort of thing.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that if more of you guys understood that, you start to realize you don't have to quit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this woman, he her husband is treating her very, very terribly, in some cases, quite abusively.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: In others, no, she's just catastrophizing it.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: We'll stick with that word of the theme for the day.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But like, she's throwing herself a pity party.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of just being proud and letting things happen, you guys don't know this yet, but you might get divorced.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean it's over.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: It just means you got served.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Very few people get divorced.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And if it's and if it's that bad, and you really truly have done everything that you can, and it's that bad, and you do get a divorce, maybe you'll be happier after anyway.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: But you can't make that decision unless you are the woman that you were created to be.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, man.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: So, this woman I ended up saying to her, you need to do anything that in your power to get back to that woman that you were, because she loved herself.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: She loved the way that she was not reacting and the way that she was being able to edify and said, Maybe it's time to stop doing all these things.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: He's not responding to you.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Stop giving and giving and giving and giving because it's making you resentful.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Do everything not associated with him, let him have his whatever he's having.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: His cool-off period.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: You or you have your cool-off period.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let him influence you back.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Take your own space right now.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Give him his divorce.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Who cares?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: You might be happier, but you won't ever be happier going above and beyond, trying to use your skills, failing at them, and then turning into the woman that you were before.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: What Dennis and I talked to her about was remember, if she goes that far, let's say she goes for the divorce, with not being the woman that she like Catherine's telling her to be, the woman she started to fall in love with herself again, then we know you're going to repeat your patterns the next one.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: We know that you're still driven by your partner's emotions.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: You still fail because they don't love you right, which means you have your own confidence problem, your identity issues, which means you are going to repeat your pattern because you're leaving under an emotion that you don't deserve this isn't fair.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how you leave.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Core values, identity, knowing who you are, the direction you want, with zero contempt.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: And you feel secure when you leave.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, you do.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: You feel confident when you leave, you feel strong when you leave.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And those people, those people can get remarried.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have a man right now, just got engaged again.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Damn it, he was divorced.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: To the same woman, guys.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: To the same woman.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Divorced in the middle of my program.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're engaged and we've been living together for a while.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Family together.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: It really is that simple.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: But see, he wasn't angry and contemptuous.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: That this marriage sucked anyway.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want the new marriage that Cass and Catherine would have.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want he actually said that all the time.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: When he thanks me, he's like, I I just can't wait to be you and Catherine.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And he's on his way.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's beautiful.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you guys have waiting if you trust us.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, we'll see ya.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.