Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1280 - When One Child Struggles: Supporting Siblings Through the Storm

Transcript

#1280 - When One Child Struggles: Supporting Siblings Through the Storm · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Today on the Happy Families Podcast, what do you do
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  Speaker 1: when you have a child experiencing all kinds of mental
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  Speaker 1: health challenges and there are other kids around who are
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  Speaker 1: being affected potentially in negative ways. Gooday, Welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every day. It's Australia's
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  Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson,
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  Speaker 1: and every Tuesday on the Happy Families Podcast, we answer
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  Speaker 1: your tricky questions. Tricky questions about family, about discipline, about wellbeing,
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  Speaker 1: mental health, relationships, screens, whatever it is. You can literally
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  Speaker 1: ask us anything. We are up for the chat. We
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  Speaker 1: think that we can be helpful if you'd like to
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  Speaker 1: submit a tricky question. We have a really super simple
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  Speaker 1: system at Happy families dot com dot you. You just
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  Speaker 1: scroll down to where it says podcasts, click the record
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  Speaker 1: button and start talking just like Kate.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, my name is Kate. We have four children. The
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  Speaker 2: oldest is eighteen. He's struggling with depression and hopelessness. He
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  Speaker 2: has been an incredible kid for all of his life,
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  Speaker 2: but he's really struggling right now. My question is really,
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  Speaker 2: how do we as parents help our other children who
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  Speaker 2: are aged fifteen thirteen and ten to cope with this
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  Speaker 2: change in our eldest child, and as they try to
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  Speaker 2: navigate his temperamental changes, his mood. He's just a different
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  Speaker 2: kid now, and they miss their old brother, they miss
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  Speaker 2: how we used to be, and it's really tricky to
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  Speaker 2: navigate this for them and with them. I would love
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  Speaker 2: any insight. We're trying all we can to help him
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  Speaker 2: through this. In the meantime, we really don't even know
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  Speaker 2: how to help you, Tiplings.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, Kylie, but I'm almost crying
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  Speaker 1: listening to Kate as she goes through what must be
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  Speaker 1: one of the hardest things that a parent can ever
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  Speaker 1: go through, and that is seeing a child's suffer. I
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  Speaker 1: remember being asked in a Q and A once what's
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  Speaker 1: the hardest part about being a parent, and I said,
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  Speaker 1: it's seeing your children suffer. It's the hardest thing. And
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  Speaker 1: I really appreciate that Kate's asking about the kids. This
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  Speaker 1: is the selflessness of a mother, right, asking about the kids.
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  Speaker 1: But you can hear this is hard for Kate. This
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  Speaker 1: is so hard.
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  Speaker 3: You've really touched on the idea that as a mum,
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  Speaker 3: everybody else's emotions are put first, right she's worried about
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  Speaker 3: her eighteen year old, she's worried about her kids, and
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  Speaker 3: yet you can just oh, you can hear it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: there is so much weight Kate carries right now.
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  Speaker 1: I was going to say this later in the podcast,
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  Speaker 1: as I was putting together some thoughts, I was just
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  Speaker 1: going to say, as parents, it's really hard to be
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  Speaker 1: happier than your unhappiest child, and you can hear it
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  Speaker 1: in what Kate said. Okate, first of all, I just
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  Speaker 1: want to acknowledge how incredibly, incredibly, incredibly hard this is.
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  Speaker 1: You're watching your firstborn absolutely clearly struggle, and you're simultaneously
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  Speaker 1: trying to protect and support three other kids who are
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  Speaker 1: no doubt confused and hurting as well. And the fact
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  Speaker 1: that you're thinking of all four of your kids in
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  Speaker 1: this moment just shows what a thoughtful parent you are
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  Speaker 1: and the sacrifice that the parents make for their kids
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  Speaker 1: all the time. Even as I heard you describing siblings
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  Speaker 1: missing their older brother, I'm hearing a mum missing her
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  Speaker 1: older son. That's actually what I'm hearing as well. It's
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  Speaker 1: so real. It's so painful when depression changes someone we love.
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  Speaker 1: The entire family grieves your younger kids are experiencing a
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  Speaker 1: real loss. I mean, this is a substantive loss. They've
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  Speaker 1: lost the connection, they've lost the sense of family and
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  Speaker 1: wholeness that they're used to feeling, even though their brother's
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  Speaker 1: still physically there. So we're going to talk about what
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  Speaker 1: you can do to help them through this while still
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  Speaker 1: supporting your eighteen year old. I've got three things that
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  Speaker 1: I want to emphasize, although we could probably put together
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  Speaker 1: a list of ten or twenty things if we had
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  Speaker 1: the time for it. The first thing is just what
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  Speaker 1: your kids need to understand, setting a foundation mentally for
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  Speaker 1: the kids. The mind is an incredible storyteller, and it
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  Speaker 1: tells helpful stories and unhelpful stories. Some of the unhelpful
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  Speaker 1: stories for younger children might be this is what happens
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  Speaker 1: when you get old. You get sad, life gets harder,
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  Speaker 1: and things are horrible. That's an unhelpful story. Well, this
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  Speaker 1: is my fault is exact. What a wonderful example that is. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: these unhelpful stories clearly don't do any good for anybody's
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  Speaker 1: well being, and they're not in the direction that we
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  Speaker 1: need to travel. They might be coming up with other
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  Speaker 1: stories that are scarier than reality. They might think that,
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  Speaker 1: like Kyli said, it's therefore they did something wrong. They
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  Speaker 1: might think that their brother doesn't love them anymore. They
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  Speaker 1: might think that something terrible is going to happen, either
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  Speaker 1: to their brother or to the family. Yeah, and so
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  Speaker 1: our job is to there's this thing called toxic positive.
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  Speaker 1: Our job is not to become toxically positive and say no,
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  Speaker 1: everything's fine and we're going to put on a brave
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  Speaker 1: face and pretend like nothing's happening. That's not helpful. But
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  Speaker 1: what we can do is we can validate their feelings
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  Speaker 1: and then gently redirect them to examples of positivity and
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  Speaker 1: success and support in their lives.
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  Speaker 3: I think at this point in the narrative, it's really
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  Speaker 3: important that we actually acknowledge what's going on for the kids,
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  Speaker 3: whether it's dealing with emotional outbursts or mood shifts in
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  Speaker 3: their older brother, or whether it's the fact that as
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  Speaker 3: a parent today I'm not managing well as a result
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  Speaker 3: of what's going on. We don't need to go into
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  Speaker 3: huge detail, but our children need to know that there's
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  Speaker 3: an explanation to what they're feeling.
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  Speaker 1: Right, I was going to go down a similar I
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  Speaker 1: guess a parallel track and say that we want to
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  Speaker 1: validate how they're feeling, but we don't have to over
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  Speaker 1: explain everything. So I was going to say, if your
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  Speaker 1: ten year old says, why is he always in his
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  Speaker 1: room or in such a bad mood, you can just
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  Speaker 1: say something like, well, sometimes when people feel really sad
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  Speaker 1: or worried on the inside, they need some quiet time
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  Speaker 1: to feel better. So we're we're not making excuses, We're
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  Speaker 1: just giving a gentle explanation. We're validating how a child feels.
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  Speaker 1: You can say to your child, it's okay to miss
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  Speaker 1: how things used to be. That makes total sense, and
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  Speaker 1: one day we hope that things are going to be
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  Speaker 1: back to normal again.
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  Speaker 3: I guess where I was going with this is just
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  Speaker 3: there's an overarching conversation that I would be having with
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  Speaker 3: my kids to acknowledge that right now, your big brother's
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  Speaker 3: really struggling. There's going to be lots of emotions and
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  Speaker 3: lots of feelings around it, and mommy and daddy are
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  Speaker 3: here to talk to you about those things. But just
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  Speaker 3: understand this isn't about you. This is about your big
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  Speaker 3: brother and what he's going through.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think that's what they actually need the most.
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  Speaker 1: Now that you've clarified that and added some more to it,
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  Speaker 1: it's not your fault. Our family is going to be okay,
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  Speaker 1: loving people through difficult times. What families do, I guess
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  Speaker 1: I probably even overstep before. You don't want to. You
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  Speaker 1: don't want to overpromise and say, yeah, he'll be fine soon.
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  Speaker 1: You don't want to say that we're going to go
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  Speaker 1: back to exactly how things were, but you do want
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  Speaker 1: to focus on building hope and building strength in the family.
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  Speaker 3: So I really just want to add something there. I
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  Speaker 3: think about the experiences that we've had in our home
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  Speaker 3: and the challenges that we've gone through with some of
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  Speaker 3: our children, and I actually think that the most important
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  Speaker 3: thing that we can do as a parent is to
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  Speaker 3: show our younger children that we can love their older
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  Speaker 3: brother in spite of his actions, in spite of his outburst,
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  Speaker 3: in spite of everything. They're watching us, they're watching out
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  Speaker 3: every move. The way we choose to respond to the
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  Speaker 3: child who is struggling the most sends the biggest message
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  Speaker 3: to them than anything else. It's actually not the bad
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  Speaker 3: behavior of the struggling child, it's how we choose to
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  Speaker 3: respond that gives them a sense of safety, security, and hope.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to add one of my favorite
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  Speaker 1: lines is no matter how angry you are, no matter
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  Speaker 1: how sad you are, no matter how whatever you are,
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  Speaker 1: our love for you is bigger than what you're feeling
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  Speaker 1: right now. It's just such a profoundly impactful line. Second
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  Speaker 1: thing that I think we need to emphasize is that
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  Speaker 1: our kids need to know that they're allowed to be normal. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes it feels like they're going to have to walk
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  Speaker 1: on eggshells. One person being depressed, one person being angry,
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  Speaker 1: one person being stressed can shift the climate across the
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  Speaker 1: entire family. Emotions are contagious. We talk about this all
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  Speaker 1: the time on the pod, But your younger kids shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have to suppress their joy or tiptoe around on eggshells
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  Speaker 1: because they've got a big brother who's having a rough time.
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  Speaker 1: It's really important that we teach them to be considerate.
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  Speaker 1: That matters, but they shouldn't have to be a slave
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  Speaker 1: to it.
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  Speaker 3: So this is a little bit tricky because often we've
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  Speaker 3: experienced in our home that the joy of other people
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  Speaker 3: is actually a trigger for the person who's struggling the.
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  Speaker 1: Most gravating for the person who's cranky and.
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  Speaker 3: It really grates them, whether it's just the added noise
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  Speaker 3: or the extra chaos in the house or whatever. And
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  Speaker 3: so I think that it is really important that we
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  Speaker 3: support our younger children as they have their joyful moments.
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  Speaker 3: And sometimes that may mean removing them from the house.
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  Speaker 3: It might be just the backyard, it might be down
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  Speaker 3: to the park, it might be to go to a
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  Speaker 3: friend's place. But they should be able to have those
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  Speaker 3: you know, beautiful positive emotions.
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  Speaker 1: They've got to have their own individual life. Yeah, yep.
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  Speaker 1: So if they're having a day where they're having some
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  Speaker 1: big emotions and things, I just think create some boundaries.
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  Speaker 1: Your brother's having a really hard day today, let's be
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  Speaker 1: extra gentle, or let's do that outside, or let's go
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  Speaker 1: to the park, or let's go to a friend's house.
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  Speaker 1: That's the way to do it. Otherwise everyone's walking on
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  Speaker 1: eggshells all the time. After the break, one more big
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  Speaker 1: thing that will make a huge difference when you've got
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  Speaker 1: kids who are struggling. And a bonus tip on how
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  Speaker 1: to support an eighteen year old through these challenges. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: you've got an eighteen year old who's not doing well.
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  Speaker 1: Depression anxiety, big angry outbursts. The younger kids are struggling.
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  Speaker 1: What do you need to do? So far, we've talked
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  Speaker 1: about how the kids need to understand what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: We need to give them permission to be normal. The
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  Speaker 1: third and final thing that I really wanted to touch
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  Speaker 1: on in this podcast episode today is that it can
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  Speaker 1: be really beneficial to get them on site and give
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  Speaker 1: them appropriate ways to help. So often younger children are
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  Speaker 1: going to look at their big brother going through this
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  Speaker 1: struggle and say, I'm powerless. I see somebody that I love,
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  Speaker 1: they're struggling. I don't know what to do, and every
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  Speaker 1: time I do anything, I get in trouble for doing
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  Speaker 1: the wrong thing. So I reckon if we can find
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  Speaker 1: ways that they can serve, find ways that they can
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  Speaker 1: contribute in the home, hopefully not building resentment but actually
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  Speaker 1: building relationships, we'll get somewhere. A couple of examples, the
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  Speaker 1: fifteen year old might send funny memes, or the thirteen
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  Speaker 1: year old might say, Hey, I'm watching a movie, do
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  Speaker 1: you want to come and watch it with me? No
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  Speaker 1: pressure if he says no. The ten year old might
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  Speaker 1: invite him to play a game every now and again,
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  Speaker 1: and go for a walk with him and the dog.
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  Speaker 1: The key message really around this is you can't fix
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  Speaker 1: your brother, and that's not what our objective is here.
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  Speaker 1: But we can show love in small ways, and that's
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  Speaker 1: kind of where I'm aiming with this. They're not responsible
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  Speaker 1: for cheering him up, they're not responsible for checking on
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  Speaker 1: his mood. They're not even responsible for, I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: telling you what they're observing. They're just responsible for finding
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  Speaker 1: ways that they can integrate joy into the family through service.
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  Speaker 1: I think that that's a reasonable thing to say. Let's
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  Speaker 1: just try and make a difference here. The last thing
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  Speaker 1: that I want to mention Kylie, just briefly, is that
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  Speaker 1: when you've got an eighteen year old going through this,
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  Speaker 1: there's a couple of things that he needs to hear,
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  Speaker 1: and I just we've got to emphasize the importance of connection.
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  Speaker 1: Here's what he needs to hear. Your siblings are asking
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  Speaker 1: about you because they love you. They're not judging you.
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  Speaker 1: You don't have to perform being okay for them. You
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  Speaker 1: don't have to carry good about how this affects our family.
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  Speaker 1: What we do want to see, though, is a willingness
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  Speaker 1: on your part to work with our family so that
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  Speaker 1: we can feel good from time to time. And the
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  Speaker 1: reason for that is avoidance reinforces anxiety. Action reduces anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: So if you can make some small connections, whether it's
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  Speaker 1: joining you for family dinner and participating in the conversation,
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  Speaker 1: whether it's watching a movie together once a week, whether
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  Speaker 1: it's going on that outing and having that picnic at
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  Speaker 1: the park bench, avoidance reinforces anxiety. Action reduces anxiety. So
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  Speaker 1: that's what we've got for you today, Kate. We know
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  Speaker 1: you're literally navigating one of the hardest parts of parenting
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  Speaker 1: because you've got multiple kids with different needs, and it
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  Speaker 1: feels like it's a family crisis. It probably I shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: say it feels like it sounds like it really is
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  Speaker 1: a family crisis. Bottom line is this, Your kids are
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  Speaker 1: learning how families can support each other through difficult times.
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  Speaker 1: If you have these conversations with them, they're watching you
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  Speaker 1: show up for their brother. They're seeing you still caring
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  Speaker 1: for them, and I think that's a really powerful lesson
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  Speaker 1: about love and loyalty. So be patient with the process.
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  Speaker 1: Healing is not something that is linear. It's up and
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  Speaker 1: down all the time, and family adjustment takes time. I
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  Speaker 1: think you're doing better than you probably think you're doing yourself.
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  Speaker 3: And if I can just add one little cave it, Yeah, Kate,
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  Speaker 3: find someone to talk to. You don't have to suffer
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  Speaker 3: through this alone. And you and your husband will be
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  Speaker 3: carrying the weight of this in such a profound way.
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  Speaker 3: And if you're going to be able to show up
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  Speaker 3: for your other kids, it's going to require a village.
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  Speaker 3: So whatever that village is, whether it needs to be
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  Speaker 3: professional or whether it's just a close friend that you
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  Speaker 3: can just have some downtime and share your heartache because
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  Speaker 3: you're so often, you know, kind of putting on a
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  Speaker 3: big brave face for everybody else. I think it's really important.
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  Speaker 1: We really love you. Tricky questions. Thanks for submitting that one, Kate.
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  Speaker 1: If you have a tricky question, you can send it
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: to us at podcasts at happy families dot com dot
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: you just record a void and shoot that through, or
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com dot you scroll down to
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: the podcast section and press the button that says record
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: so that you can talk to us. The Happy Families
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Hammonds provides research and a host of other support. If
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: you'd like more information and resources about making your family happier,
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: visit happy families dot com, dot a