Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep76: Evelyn over-trusts Canadian winter; Nick takes nature to the face.

Transcript

Ep76: Evelyn over-trusts Canadian winter; Nick takes nature to the face. · Reverse Jackass

0:00
SPEAKER_01: It's revolver.
0:07
SPEAKER_03: Alright, you want to lead us in or do you want me to?
0:10
SPEAKER_01: I'll lead us in.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: I'll lead us in.
0:13
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back, everybody.
0:17
SPEAKER_01: What time signature was that in?
0:23
SPEAKER_01: It sounds like um D'Angelo Vickers from The Office.
0:26
SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes, it does, it does bring back his brain injury.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: It does.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: It does.
0:37
SPEAKER_01: But you know who doesn't have a brain injury?
0:39
SPEAKER_01: Us at the Reverse Jackass Podcast.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: Welcome.
0:42
SPEAKER_01: Again, I'm Evelyn, the Canadian Blade, representing the entire north of the Canadian-American border here.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: It's a big job, but someone's got to do it.
0:52
SPEAKER_01: And I'm here for it.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: And representing the south of the border, but not in the not the kind in the Taco Bell commercials.
1:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm here with my friend Nick Bogner.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Nick, uh, say hello to the people and tell us how you're doing today.
1:04
SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm doing great.
1:05
SPEAKER_03: I just uh you just enriched my geographical knowledge a little bit by really contextualizing both my country and Taco Bell.
1:13
SPEAKER_03: So thank you for that.
1:14
SPEAKER_03: Um other than that, I'm in great spirits, except that we received what I would choose to refer to as some very Canadian feedback on our show.
1:23
SPEAKER_03: Some unwelcome, unhelpful, unenriched Canadian feedback on our show uh in the form of a voice memo, which Evelyn, I think you have and you can play now.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: Hi, Evelyn.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: Uh I just started listening to the podcast.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I want to say uh uh I really enjoy you, um, but you can absolutely do better than Nick.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: Uh I'm sure there are other therapists who, you know, are legitimately funny who are willing to come on a podcast with you.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Um he just listen, I'll be honest with you, he comes across very unlikable.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: He sounds like kind of a dick, kind of like the sort of person who would be really bad at board games, and I just I I want the best for you, Evelyn, and I I just hope that you can find someone better.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: So uh good luck, God bless.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
2:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, so I think everyone listening to this can agree that basically um who run the world, Mark Carney, right now.
2:22
SPEAKER_03: So I'm not too sure why.
2:24
SPEAKER_03: Is that a thing they're saying in Canada right now?
2:26
SPEAKER_03: Because that's fatass.
2:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh no, I'm Who Run the World Mark Carney?
2:29
SPEAKER_01: I just came up with that, but basically, like we're it's the whole country is doing the wave for Prime Minister Mark Carney over here.
2:36
SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
2:36
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
2:37
SPEAKER_03: As well as should be.
2:38
SPEAKER_03: It's it's nice to see a little fucking leadership over there.
2:41
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, I know.
2:42
SPEAKER_01: I I worry that y'all down there have forgotten what that looks like.
2:46
SPEAKER_03: And oh no, oh no, we've we're we've never remembered it more than we're remembering it right now.
2:52
SPEAKER_03: It's never been what we had has never been on our minds as much as it is right now.
2:58
SPEAKER_03: Amber shared something with me that I honestly don't know if it was a joke, but somebody said the gas prices are so bad right now.
3:04
SPEAKER_03: When it was Biden four years ago, we knew exactly why that was, but now it's a mystery.
3:08
SPEAKER_03: And I thought that has to be a joke.
3:11
SPEAKER_03: I but we don't know.
3:12
SPEAKER_03: It could be bullshit, it could be internet bullshit, it could be that there are Americans actually stupid enough um to get into this.
3:20
SPEAKER_01: I don't know why this is so high right now.
3:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's a mystery, it's a mystery.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: It's a really real mystery.
3:25
SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm just I think it was a joke because they spelled the word mystery correctly.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, okay.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: Fair, fair.
3:31
SPEAKER_01: That you know it's AI.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: You know it's AI then when it's it's too intelligent to be dumb, but it's not intelligent enough to be intelligent.
3:39
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: I just came up with that right now.
3:41
SPEAKER_01: That's brilliant.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: I know that was really good.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: It must have been the beef curry I had for lunch.
3:45
SPEAKER_01: It's given me some superpowers.
3:46
SPEAKER_01: But um, I'm curious as to why now what tips you off that it's Canadian feedback?
3:52
SPEAKER_03: Because it's wrong headed um and abrasive.
3:57
SPEAKER_03: Yes, um speculative.
3:59
SPEAKER_01: Speculative, yes.
4:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
4:01
SPEAKER_01: Are you just are you just cheesed off because it was just one big fat slam dunk about you?
4:07
SPEAKER_03: I don't think there I think in order for it to be a slam dunk, points would have to be scored.
4:12
SPEAKER_03: Um, and I don't think any points were scored in this particular thing.
4:15
SPEAKER_03: I think this edgelord, this Canadian edgelord, had some real opinions.
4:20
SPEAKER_03: Um, and he took advantage of the of the welcome math that you and I so kindly laid out to collect uh feedback, and he just deposited his flaming bag of opinions uh on our doorstep.
4:32
SPEAKER_01: Well, jokes on you, because I am almost positive.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: I would bet every coin that rolls in from this podcast, I would bet that it is um an American giving that feedback.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: And what I loved about it is that it's addressed to me, but it's just ripping you a new one the whole the whole time.
4:55
SPEAKER_01: And ultimately it ends with I just hope that you can find someone better.
4:59
SPEAKER_01: So good luck, God bless.
5:01
SPEAKER_01: I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
5:04
SPEAKER_01: I mean, we that's it, that's a easy, that's an easy ask.
5:07
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: I could just start going rogue with this thing and recording solo episodes.
5:11
SPEAKER_03: Why haven't we been meaning to record it?
5:13
SPEAKER_03: And people are like, oh, I I love the new direction the podcast is taking.
5:16
SPEAKER_03: How did you get there?
5:17
SPEAKER_03: And it's like I tune in and it's just you talking with little pre-recorded things of me going, mm-hmm.
5:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:23
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's brilliant.
5:24
SPEAKER_03: Oh, Evelyn, that was your best story yet.
5:27
SPEAKER_03: Like AI versions of me saying stuff I'd never say in real life, like, thank you for all the great content you provide to this podcast, or you know, you're the soul of it.
5:35
SPEAKER_03: Like stuff I would never ever ever say.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: Like stuff I'm gonna totally chop up what you just said and use it, use it throughout every episode moving forward.
5:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna use that one too.
5:47
SPEAKER_01: Right after I say, Nick, how are you doing today?
5:51
SPEAKER_01: Give us the old Neanderthal grunt.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: I like it.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: Well, speaking of liking, I really liked this uh this voice memo, this fan mail that we got.
6:01
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it was a great one to to just kind of break in, break it in.
6:06
SPEAKER_03: I don't know break it, break it in.
6:08
SPEAKER_01: Break it down, break it in, break it down.
6:11
SPEAKER_03: Break it down.
6:13
SPEAKER_01: So I want to say to DNJM, uh, you can leave these anytime you want.
6:19
SPEAKER_01: I feel like this might have been a bit of a cathartic experience for you.
6:23
SPEAKER_01: And I want to offer you more opportunities to do that.
6:27
SPEAKER_01: So anytime Nick says something on this podcast, and you know, you said that he sounds like he would be the person who's like really bad at board games.
6:38
SPEAKER_01: If he says anything else that hints to other things he might be bad at, you can just keep leaving those little fan mail messages and we'll keep playing them on here.
6:46
SPEAKER_03: And just to and just speaking in utter candor, I had no idea you could leave a voice memo for this website for this podcast at buzzsprout.com.
6:56
SPEAKER_03: So you all can do that if you choose to.
6:59
SPEAKER_03: Um, and we might even play it on the air.
7:01
SPEAKER_03: I will play it on the air if it insults Evelyn.
7:04
SPEAKER_03: I will guarantee you airtime if you come with something that's a little more, let's say, fair and balanced, but this time since it was the first one, I made an exception.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, I've said many times on this podcast that people can leave fan mail at reversejackass.brass.
7:22
SPEAKER_03: Oh, maybe this is why they didn't get the memo.
7:25
SPEAKER_01: Reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
7:29
SPEAKER_01: And clearly we have one listener who's more intelligent than both of us combined, who is able to find that particular place.
7:38
SPEAKER_01: So that's where you go.
7:39
SPEAKER_01: Um, just go there, leave us feedback.
7:42
SPEAKER_01: You can trash anyone you want and we'll play it.
7:44
SPEAKER_01: Done.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: Done.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Done.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: And with that, it's an Evelyn day.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: It is an Evelyn day, and I can make absolutely no connection between what we just talked about and what my prompt is.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: So we're just gonna do a sharp left here into today's topic.
7:57
SPEAKER_01: And today's topic is I don't know.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna tell you a story.
8:03
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
8:03
SPEAKER_01: So I want to tell you about a Christmas gift I got one year.
8:08
SPEAKER_01: And this Christmas gift was from my husband.
8:10
SPEAKER_01: You may know him, Jason.
8:13
SPEAKER_01: And one year for Christmas, he got me a calendar, which was a pie of the month.
8:19
SPEAKER_01: Oh calendar.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: It was great, a pie of the month.
8:22
SPEAKER_01: Um, and to go along with that calendar, he got me a beautiful Le Crose pie plate.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: I know.
8:29
SPEAKER_01: The good stuff.
8:30
SPEAKER_01: The good stuff.
8:31
SPEAKER_01: This beautiful, I think it's red, like an orangey red.
8:34
SPEAKER_01: Totally a color I love.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: I love this pie plate.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: Um don't make a lot of pieces.
8:39
SPEAKER_03: Even though I don't know what color it is.
8:40
SPEAKER_01: Well, because I don't, I'll be honest, I don't make a lot of pies anymore because gluten-free pie baking is a bit of a oh yeah, you can't have them anymore.
8:49
SPEAKER_03: Right, which means no one can have them.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, darn right.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: I can't have them, no one can, right?
8:54
SPEAKER_01: That's exactly how this house works.
8:56
SPEAKER_01: So we as the first one, because this was in December, right?
8:59
SPEAKER_01: Because it was a Christmas gift, so we thought we're gonna start in the new year.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: And um, this was back, I want to say 2014, maybe.
9:08
SPEAKER_03: I love, by the way, that what Jason gave you was a gift that would make your insides royal once a month for a year.
9:15
SPEAKER_03: Neither of you knew it.
9:16
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we didn't know yet.
9:18
SPEAKER_03: Of like just of just an abomination of gluten gluten attacks on your soul.
9:24
SPEAKER_03: He was like, here.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: Here, this will make your this will make your small intestine dance.
9:29
SPEAKER_03: Scream.
9:31
SPEAKER_01: This isn't gonna put you on the can immediately after you eat a piece of whatever.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: No, it's gonna be fine.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be fine, Ev.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: Love you.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I know.
9:39
SPEAKER_01: We didn't know.
9:39
SPEAKER_01: We didn't know what we didn't know back then.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: So the the first pie we decided to bake from there was a chocolate cream pie.
9:47
SPEAKER_01: And uh a chocolate pie is one of our favorite things.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: My mom made a really good one.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: I believe we tried a different recipe for this one.
9:54
SPEAKER_03: That's just as a middle finger to your mom.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Just as like, you know what?
9:57
SPEAKER_01: There's other pies out there, mom.
9:59
SPEAKER_01: You don't control me, you don't control me and and the chocolate pies that I make in this house with all the gluten that I shouldn't be eating.
10:06
SPEAKER_01: Uh is destroying my duodenum.
10:08
SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Mom.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: So I made this chocolate pie.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: And I made sure the ingredients were top-notch because I thought if we're having one pie a month, I'm gonna make sure these are the best ingredients, the best pie.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: Like we gotta, we really gotta level up here.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: Give this a fair go, you know.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: Make the ingredients match the quality of the pie plate.
10:28
SPEAKER_01: And I think it had a chocolate crumb crust, is what I want to say.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: But it's this silky, like we're talking made with 35% whipping cream, you know, oh yeah, dark chocolate, um, egg yolks, like a beautiful, beautiful silky custard pie.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: And I put saran wrap on it because the thing is, you know, it's the top of a custard pie.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: You don't want that weird skin.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: You don't want to get the pudding skin.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: You don't want to get the pudding skin, right?
10:53
SPEAKER_01: So then, and then I'm gonna put whipped cream on it, but it obviously needs to chill.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: So it's it's January in Canada, and I was like, well, I'm just gonna put this outside on our front porch on one of our patio chairs, right?
11:04
SPEAKER_01: That we kind of crammed up against it.
11:05
SPEAKER_03: Just let it get snowed on.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, let it get snowed on.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: And I went inside and I came out, you know, cleaning up from the pie, and it came out half an hour later because I was like, it's snowing, it's pretty cold out, it's gonna be fine.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: And I noticed an incredible amount of condensation on top of the pie, like on top of the ceramic.
11:22
SPEAKER_01: And I and I was like, wow, okay, it really did cool down quickly.
11:27
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so I bring the pie inside and I put it on the counter, I put the pie plate on the counter, and I'm like, this is a lot of liquid on top of this pie.
11:34
SPEAKER_01: No, and upon realization, we realized it was not in fact condensation, but it was hot, fresh cat piss.
11:43
SPEAKER_03: Cat piss.
11:44
SPEAKER_03: I knew it.
11:44
SPEAKER_01: Oh god, I knew it.
11:46
SPEAKER_03: Oh, how did I know that?
11:47
SPEAKER_03: Why are they like that?
11:49
SPEAKER_03: Why are why are they like that?
11:51
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
11:52
SPEAKER_03: So I knew it.
11:54
SPEAKER_03: I knew it a mile away.
11:55
SPEAKER_03: Somehow when you said Jay gave me a Jay gave, I knew it from the moment we started this podcast, episode one, I thought, damn it, there is gonna be cat piss on on Evelyn Spy.
12:06
SPEAKER_03: I knew it.
12:07
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, yep.
12:08
SPEAKER_01: They're evil, and it happened, it happened.
12:11
SPEAKER_01: January 205 2015 is when is when that stake in the ground, you know.
12:16
SPEAKER_01: And you probably had, we didn't know each other yet, but you probably had a bit of a bit of like some kind of shiver or I felt it.
12:23
SPEAKER_03: I remember January 2015.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: That was that thing, or it was just like this thing where I I constantly I had the dry heaves all month.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it was.
12:31
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it was.
12:33
SPEAKER_01: So I found a video and I might insert the audio into this because I found the video that I took of Jason dumping the pie into the garbage.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: And at one point, the I said, Oh, like, is it set?
12:50
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, Yeah, and then some like it's just it was firmed up.
12:54
SPEAKER_01: And he said, Oh, your crust is really beautiful too.
12:57
SPEAKER_01: And then I said, Oh, shut up.
12:59
SPEAKER_01: Was it set?
13:02
SPEAKER_01: And then Tom.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: Was it?
13:04
SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
13:06
SPEAKER_02: Oh so Jay, tell us what happened again.
13:09
SPEAKER_03: Cat peed on it.
13:11
SPEAKER_03: Not our cat.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: Not our cat.
13:13
SPEAKER_03: Our cats are too dignified.
13:14
SPEAKER_02: First pie of the month in my new Le Crusé pie plate.
13:18
SPEAKER_03: I think it's a test pie.
13:19
SPEAKER_03: It's a seasoning pie.
13:20
SPEAKER_03: You have to bake one pie in it and then throw it away immediately if you look it's seasoned.
13:25
SPEAKER_02: I guess.
13:26
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
13:26
SPEAKER_03: Even your crust is gorgeous.
13:28
SPEAKER_01: Oh, shut up.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: So a cat peed all over, all over this beautiful pie.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: Just to close the loop here, we did not eat the pie.
13:38
SPEAKER_01: The whole thing went in the garbage.
13:40
SPEAKER_01: No parts of it were salvaged.
13:42
SPEAKER_01: But some cat trundling along in a cold winter's eve found a nice hot place to pee.
13:48
SPEAKER_03: For the cat, that's the feline equivalent of like one of those luxury bed and breakfasts or the hotel where the bathroom floor heats up.
13:54
SPEAKER_03: Like if you heat the tile, the cat was like, oh my god.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is a dream.
13:58
SPEAKER_01: Thank goodness.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: Finally, my crotch isn't touching the icicles that I'm trying to pee on right now.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: No.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: Do you think it was your cat?
14:07
SPEAKER_01: No, because our cats are not outside cats.
14:09
SPEAKER_03: Okay, got it.
14:10
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's good given that kind of winter.
14:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
14:12
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
14:12
SPEAKER_03: So some strange neighborhood cat, like in a cartoon, smelled the wafting smell of the pie.
14:17
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
14:18
SPEAKER_03: Floated through the air comfortably towards it.
14:20
SPEAKER_03: But whereas in the cartoon, normally the cat eats the whole pie in this instant, the cat just thought, toilet.
14:24
SPEAKER_01: It's the color of what's typically in my litter box, so I'm just gonna keep going.
14:28
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: So I made another pie the next day, but that's not the point here.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: The point is the point is that my question for you, Nick, is yeah, when was a time that nature just absolutely screwed you over?
14:43
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's a good prompt.
14:46
SPEAKER_03: When was a time that nature absolutely screwed me over?
14:50
SPEAKER_03: I know there's a good idea.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is this is open to anything.
14:53
SPEAKER_01: Like this can be weather, this can be animals urinating on your food, this can be animals that haven't urinated on your food but engaged in some other act of betrayal.
15:04
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
15:05
SPEAKER_03: Well, and God knows I've been betrayed by some cats in my lifetime.
15:10
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
15:11
SPEAKER_03: That's real.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: Sorry to take you back there.
15:13
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there's so many traumas just piling on top of one another in my head here.
15:19
SPEAKER_03: Give me a second.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, Nick's thinking, I'm just gonna take another opportunity here to correctly invite you to leave a fan voicemail on reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: You'll see a little link that says fan mail, and you're gonna click on that and you're gonna do whatever it tells you to do.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: Leave us some voicemails.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: It sounds like I'm begging, and it's kind of probably because I am.
15:41
SPEAKER_03: It's not dignified.
15:42
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:43
SPEAKER_03: Because I try to avoid nature as part of it.
15:45
SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, if we're talking about sort of the outdoors, I generally I generally do try to stay away from it.
15:52
SPEAKER_03: I like a nice hike on a trail where like it's clear that people have been hiking there for decades, if not centuries.
15:58
SPEAKER_03: So that like you know what I mean, warm down like an explorer.
16:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, just like where it's like it's like you just know there's gonna be 80 other people that are gonna pass you.
16:06
SPEAKER_03: Like, people get lost in California on these hikes.
16:08
SPEAKER_03: And it's funny because if you go to any hiking place in California, like there are a million billion people, and all of them have the fucking their phones on speaker with their music playing super loud.
16:17
SPEAKER_03: Like you never feel alone on a California hike, and yet there every year there are people who get hopelessly lost and die on those trails because they they fuck it up.
16:26
SPEAKER_03: Oh, geez.
16:27
SPEAKER_03: Little bright side of California thing for you.
16:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, wow.
16:30
SPEAKER_01: Also, I feel like you're a waste of genetic material, of breath.
16:35
SPEAKER_01: No, I feel like you're you're a waste in the California population census because like you're living in one of the most beautiful places in the world and you don't like the outdoors.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: Like there are millions of people that would love to switch places with you.
16:49
SPEAKER_03: I like the outdoors.
16:51
SPEAKER_03: I don't like the like sleeping in the outdoors.
16:54
SPEAKER_03: I like actually being outside.
16:55
SPEAKER_03: I like the heat.
16:56
SPEAKER_03: I like to walk around.
16:57
SPEAKER_03: I don't like when people are like, oh, I'll go set up a whole campsite.
17:00
SPEAKER_03: That's not for me.
17:01
SPEAKER_03: I'm not I'm not trying to do a bunch of work.
17:03
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be honest, that was not even on the table.
17:07
SPEAKER_01: That was you sleeping outdoors was not even any part of this podcast episode.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: So for you to be like, I don't like the outdoors, I was just assuming you don't like being outside.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
17:17
SPEAKER_03: I mean, I love I love being outside.
17:19
SPEAKER_03: You know me, I like I like to be hot, I like to walk places.
17:22
SPEAKER_03: You know, when you've come out, we I've certainly haven't like been like, let's it's 300 feet away, let's drive.
17:26
SPEAKER_01: Like no, that's a very Canadian attitude, actually.
17:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, oh gosh, it's only a two-minute drive.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: Give me the keys.
17:33
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, fuck man.
17:34
SPEAKER_03: I've seen your weather.
17:34
SPEAKER_03: It's it's uh it's oppressive.
17:37
SPEAKER_01: It's oppressive.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: I know, I know, and you know, you never know what's coming at you, whether it's like snow, blizzard, sleet, cat peeing on your food.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: Like that's a it's a that's a that's a side effect of Canadian winter, right there.
17:50
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that this isn't gonna be the most satisfying answer, but but perhaps it will lead us to one that is more satisfying.
17:56
SPEAKER_03: One time when I was in Illinois, I had to park.
17:58
SPEAKER_03: I was in Evanston, and the best parking that I could get was usually like two blocks away from my apartment, which is just awful.
18:04
SPEAKER_03: That's an awful distance to walk in the weather.
18:06
SPEAKER_03: But on one spring day when the weather wasn't so bad, I went out to my car, and as I was opening my car door to get into my car, a bird shit on my face and mouth.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: This is exactly the kind of story I wanted.
18:20
SPEAKER_03: Oh, this is yeah, but you just want it because I'm miserable, not because it's special.
18:24
SPEAKER_01: No, the who does that happen to?
18:26
SPEAKER_01: Like, this it's actually this is not to me like a I mean, I've been pooped on by a bird, but it didn't go in my face and mouth.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: It just went all over my shoulder.
18:34
SPEAKER_03: Like face and mouth shirt.
18:36
SPEAKER_03: Uh, so suddenly I'm covered in bird shit and it's awful.
18:38
SPEAKER_03: And I what did it taste like?
18:41
SPEAKER_03: I couldn't tell you because the moment it happened, I spat, spat, spat, spat, spat for about four years afterwards, just never stopping ever spitting.
18:50
SPEAKER_03: Uh, I took a I took one of those things that they use to snake drains.
18:55
SPEAKER_03: I bought a brand new one and sterilized it, and then I ran it through my entire mouth and digestive system for a week and a half until I was clean.
19:02
SPEAKER_03: Um, no, I don't know what the fuck it tasted like.
19:04
SPEAKER_03: It just immediately spit, spit, spit, spit.
19:07
SPEAKER_03: So then I had to go back into my home.
19:09
SPEAKER_03: I had to walk the two blocks back to my apartment covered in bird shit, had to shower, change my clothes, et cetera.
19:15
SPEAKER_03: And so I was late for work that day, and I came in and my boss's dad, who worked for us, laughed when I explained it to him.
19:20
SPEAKER_03: And he said he was from Puerto Rico, and he goes, Oh, in Puerto Rico, that's good, that's good luck.
19:24
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
19:25
SPEAKER_03: And so I took a dagger that I had and I shoved it under his wood cage as hard as I could.
19:30
SPEAKER_03: And then I just moved it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in a zigzagging pattern because I felt that he and I didn't didn't share a uh a definition of what good luck could be.
19:40
SPEAKER_03: And I felt like it wasn't fair for both of us to exist in the world until uh until that was resolved.
19:46
SPEAKER_03: So I resolved it the only way I knew how to, back and forth, back and forth.
19:49
SPEAKER_03: And he's crying, he's crying, he's on the ground, you know, and I'm like, oh, it's looks like you're all wet now, right?
19:56
SPEAKER_03: And he's like, I said good luck, and you know, it was this whole thing.
20:00
SPEAKER_03: So uh, so that was one time where where nature really betrayed you, and you then you took it out on a poor innocent bystander.
20:10
SPEAKER_03: There's I have another animal story, and this might be shoehorning it in, but it is one of my favorite stories.
20:14
SPEAKER_03: So another apartment in Illinois, I lived in Chicago with my cat, Big Boy, and Big Boy was my soulmate cat.
20:20
SPEAKER_01: He was your soulmate cat, yeah.
20:21
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, he was just a really big tabby.
20:23
SPEAKER_03: He was like not a snuggle bug, but he was always near me and always a delight.
20:27
SPEAKER_03: And you know, he had attitude.
20:28
SPEAKER_03: He would try to escape sometimes.
20:30
SPEAKER_03: Like, I just I loved him, right?
20:31
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
20:32
SPEAKER_03: I smoked in my apartment because people did stupid shit like that back then.
20:35
SPEAKER_03: And but and and it was in the transitional period because when I started smoking, I often would leave to go smoke outside.
20:42
SPEAKER_03: And then when you get really addicted to something, you're like, fuck it, I'm not leaving for this.
20:45
SPEAKER_03: Right.
20:45
SPEAKER_03: So you open windows and then you smoke out the open windows before you just finally go, fuck it, it's Chicago.
20:50
SPEAKER_03: I'm not opening a window.
20:51
SPEAKER_03: Right.
20:51
SPEAKER_03: I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna smoke in my home.
20:53
SPEAKER_03: So I was right in that transitional period where I had this bathroom window that I would go smoke out of, right?
20:58
SPEAKER_03: And one night, it was a winter night, it was snowing, just tons and tons of snow, cold as shit.
21:03
SPEAKER_03: And I had this window and I was playing a poker tournament on my bed in the next room, and I was leaving when I thought I had a moment to go smoke, right?
21:11
SPEAKER_03: And that turns out to be a little demanding because the hands are coming up.
21:14
SPEAKER_03: And so at one point I just start leaving the window open, but just closing the bathroom door behind me so that I could just make the transition really fast.
21:20
SPEAKER_03: But I kind of forget about it and I'm playing and I haven't gotten up, and then I realize I don't know where Big Boy is.
21:25
SPEAKER_03: I'm like, Big Boy, where are you?
21:27
SPEAKER_03: And I don't see him.
21:28
SPEAKER_03: And I'm and then I notice the bathroom door is open, and I thought, oh fuck, there's an open window out there.
21:32
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
21:33
SPEAKER_03: Throw open the bathroom door, look straight at the window, and all I see is a tail.
21:37
SPEAKER_03: Oh no.
21:39
SPEAKER_03: And so I have to step into the tub because it's next to the window, and I open out the window, and Big Boy, who is named Big Boy, because he was 17 pounds when I adopted him.
21:48
SPEAKER_03: Oh yes.
21:48
SPEAKER_03: Um, and he got bigger.
21:49
SPEAKER_03: He got up to 22 by the time he was like his strongest, he was 22.
21:53
SPEAKER_03: But like a big, muscular 17 pound cat has walked himself out onto what amounts to about a three.
22:00
SPEAKER_03: Inch snow covered ledge on the side of my building.
22:03
SPEAKER_03: He has walked out onto a three-inch snow covered ledge, and so all I can see is his little tail disappearing, and he's standing on this thing, and it's you know, second story.
22:11
SPEAKER_03: He doesn't know where the fuck he's gonna go.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, big boy, right?
22:14
SPEAKER_03: It's it's snowing.
22:17
SPEAKER_03: I thought I was going to lose my mind.
22:20
SPEAKER_03: And it's one of those things where I know I've never had a child, and I know that it's not the same as having a child, but he was my child.
22:26
SPEAKER_03: And when you see your child standing on a three-inch snow covered ledge with no way to get back into the building without a very serious intervention by you and possibly the fire department, a lot of things go through your head about whether you're a good enough parent, about whether there's gonna be something really bad that happens because you're smoking and your mom told you not to smoke, and that's a sin, and it's a whole fucking thing.
22:43
SPEAKER_03: And are you just a bad person whose addiction caused his child to die?
22:47
SPEAKER_03: Like all of these horrible things are going through your mind as you're as you're panicking.
22:52
SPEAKER_03: And also just it's my cat, right?
22:54
SPEAKER_03: And so I I hope that I'm gonna be able to describe this adequately for this program.
22:58
SPEAKER_03: But I reached my arm out the window and I just pressed his big body against the building.
23:04
SPEAKER_03: And then I I like leaned halfway out the window and like got my other arm under him, and he was like stock still because he had realized that like he was that fighting was not gonna help him.
23:13
SPEAKER_03: He had the intelligence for that.
23:15
SPEAKER_03: And I just sort of slowly like dragged him against the brick side of the building, gently but firmly, back to the window, and then I pulled him in, and then I closed the window.
23:24
SPEAKER_03: That might have been the reason I started just smoking indoors without the the windows open now that I'm thinking about it.
23:28
SPEAKER_03: But and then I just shook for six-ish years afterwards, like just the shiver that comes with knowing that you almost lost your only child and your soulmate.
23:37
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
23:38
SPEAKER_03: Um, in that moment.
23:39
SPEAKER_03: So that was a time where I I assumed that was nature, unless it was so awful to live with me that he realized that it was worth risking his life to escape.
23:46
SPEAKER_03: I think that was a thing where something that's millennia old in that cat went, yeah.
23:50
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
23:51
SPEAKER_03: What if I just saw what was outside?
23:52
SPEAKER_03: It looks silly out there.
23:53
SPEAKER_03: What if I just see what's out there?
23:55
SPEAKER_01: What if I just see what's out there?
23:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
23:57
SPEAKER_01: I think that's more of a story of you betraying nature.
24:00
SPEAKER_01: It's not so much nature betraying you.
24:03
SPEAKER_01: That's interesting.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: And what was my betrayal?
24:06
SPEAKER_01: Well, you're leaving you're leaving a lot of things open that big boy didn't have the wherewithal or the judgment to be like, hey, I'm just gonna see what's at like he's curious, he's just a curious big dude.
24:17
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, you know, he didn't know that you basically opened the door for him to, you know, make choices.
24:24
SPEAKER_03: I was tempting him to kill himself.
24:26
SPEAKER_03: You just it was irresponsible.
24:28
SPEAKER_03: Do you know what I mean?
24:29
SPEAKER_03: It was like keeping a gun, it was like having a child and keeping a gun in the house, like yeah, loaded cocked gun.
24:33
SPEAKER_03: You shouldn't do it.
24:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, a loaded cocked gun.
24:35
SPEAKER_03: You just shouldn't do it.
24:36
SPEAKER_03: It's on the coffee table, and so nobody had to be harmed in order for me to do it.
24:39
SPEAKER_03: But that was one time where um nature and I ran a fire of one another.
24:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, wow.
24:44
SPEAKER_01: Well, I would have I think that would have been the moment I quit smoking, but you were like, no, well, the only answer here is to just close the window.
24:52
SPEAKER_03: So many opportunities to quit smoking.
24:53
SPEAKER_03: Let me tell you, when I got my wisdom teeth out, the orthodontist said, You cannot smoke for two weeks after having this surgery.
25:00
SPEAKER_03: And I said, Why?
25:01
SPEAKER_03: And he said, Because if you do, you can get dry sockets.
25:04
SPEAKER_03: Do you know what that is?
25:04
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
25:05
SPEAKER_03: He had to explain it to me.
25:07
SPEAKER_03: And for folks out there to know, you can't suck when you have the wisdom teeth inside your mouth because it can just it can disrupt the scabs, and apparently they're very hard to regrow, and it's it's supposed to be exquisitely painful.
25:18
SPEAKER_03: And so he said, if you do it, you will get dry sockets.
25:20
SPEAKER_03: It will be the most painful thing you've ever experienced in your life, and there will be nothing I can do to help you.
25:24
SPEAKER_03: So, like, you cannot smoke for two weeks.
25:26
SPEAKER_03: And I said, Okay.
25:27
SPEAKER_03: And he goes, As a health professional, it's incumbent upon me to tell you that that might be a good time for you to just quit smoking forever, since you're gonna stop doing it for two weeks.
25:35
SPEAKER_03: And I said, Ah, oh you.
25:37
SPEAKER_03: And then and we didn't talk about it anymore.
25:41
SPEAKER_03: I got my fucking surgery, it was fine.
25:43
SPEAKER_03: I didn't smoke for two weeks, and then I did my follow-up appointment two weeks later, and on the way home from that appointment, I got a pack of cigarettes and went back to it.
25:50
SPEAKER_03: It was it was the moment the clock went off.
25:54
SPEAKER_03: I was smoking, and the only thing that got me to quit was my wife asking me to, and even then it was months of work to make it happen.
26:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
26:02
SPEAKER_03: Cigarette smoking, if you haven't started it, don't start because the biggest the worst thing that can happen to you is you might fucking love it.
26:08
SPEAKER_03: And then you'll still be thinking about it.
26:10
SPEAKER_03: It's been 16 years since I had a cigarette and I still think about it all the time.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
26:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh, gosh, geez.
26:15
SPEAKER_01: Maybe the most important question out of that story is was this Dr.
26:20
SPEAKER_01: Bruce King?
26:21
unknown: It was not.
26:22
SPEAKER_03: It was some orthodontist from Illinois, and I don't remember him other than he didn't make eye contact ever.
26:28
SPEAKER_03: Oh.
26:28
SPEAKER_03: And that was the thing I remember about him was I thought, I thought, for a medical doctor, you don't make any eye contact.
26:34
SPEAKER_03: And that was weird for me.
26:35
SPEAKER_03: But he did a bang up job on my teeth.
26:36
SPEAKER_01: You know what's interesting?
26:37
SPEAKER_01: I saw a neurologist for my brain, and he also did not make eye contact, which is so interesting.
26:44
SPEAKER_01: Now, this up here, guy.
26:47
SPEAKER_01: I was like, my eye, my my brain's up here, sir.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: My brain is up here.
26:53
SPEAKER_01: Uh, I just attributed it to him being incredibly profoundly good at what he does and just not being very good at social things.
27:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, that's kind of what I thought.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: And to be honest, if someone's, you know, looking at imaging of your brain, rooting around your brain, sure.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't need them to be cuddly and huggable.
27:21
SPEAKER_03: I don't need a buddy.
27:22
SPEAKER_03: No.
27:22
SPEAKER_01: I don't want a buddy from that guy.
27:24
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
27:24
SPEAKER_01: Like I, speaking on both of our behalfs, we would make great buddies for people.
27:28
SPEAKER_01: Like we're very approachable, very kind.
27:31
SPEAKER_01: Neither one of us should be casting any kind of vision over someone's brain or looking or mouth or any orifice, to be honest.
27:41
SPEAKER_03: When people say it's not brain surgery, that's me they're talking about.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: I know.
27:51
SPEAKER_01: I think like we gotta leave that to the professionals.
27:53
unknown: Yeah.
27:54
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, absolutely.
27:55
SPEAKER_03: And then let them make whatever eye contact they will or won't make, right?
27:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:58
SPEAKER_01: If you don't make eye contact with your neurologist, like just get over it.
28:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:02
SPEAKER_03: I forgot the guy's name, but he'll always have a place in my mouth.
28:06
SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
28:07
SPEAKER_01: That was really good.
28:08
SPEAKER_03: That was really good.
28:09
SPEAKER_03: Right here.
28:10
SPEAKER_01: I was right, right in there.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh well, Nick, thank you so much for not betraying nature so much that it's really come back to bite you in the ass, but just enough so that it makes for a good story on the reverse jackass podcast.
28:24
SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Evelyn.
28:25
SPEAKER_03: And thank you for such a thoughtful prompt.
28:27
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I didn't invite it.
28:30
SPEAKER_01: I although maybe some would say I did.
28:32
SPEAKER_01: I put a pie outside my house.
28:34
SPEAKER_01: Who knows what could have happened to it.
28:37
SPEAKER_01: I was too trusting.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: Well, what happened?
28:38
SPEAKER_01: We used to put pies on window ledges back in the day.
28:41
SPEAKER_03: No, I'm not saying what you did is fucked up.
28:43
SPEAKER_03: I'm saying it's fucked up that a cat pissed on your cat doesn't know any better.
28:46
SPEAKER_01: My only fear, truly, is that the cat didn't eat any of the pie because cats can't have chocolate.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: Like it would have been a terrible- Well, you'd know.
28:52
SPEAKER_03: You would have seen part of the pie missing, right?
28:54
SPEAKER_03: Like a dead cat down there.
28:56
SPEAKER_03: They're not subtle that they're not like, oh, I better, I better just eat a part of this she won't see.
29:00
SPEAKER_03: They get one little toe in there.
29:01
SPEAKER_03: I better swoop out from the underside here so that uh and then I'll just whiz on it.
29:05
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:06
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: As a final goodbye.
29:08
SPEAKER_01: Well, jokes on everyone because I still got a really nice little crusade pie plate downstairs.
29:13
SPEAKER_03: Um and then how many of the how many of the other monthly pies did the cat be on?
29:17
SPEAKER_01: Um none.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: We kept them inside.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: And we only made it to, I want to say, we only did two or three pies in the month.
29:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:25
SPEAKER_01: I would have noticed that a lot sooner than a lot of liquid, if I'm being honest.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: Uh, the next month was a lemon meringue.
29:31
SPEAKER_01: And I gotta say, it was my highest meringue that I ever did.
29:33
SPEAKER_01: It was beautiful.
29:34
SPEAKER_01: I might have sent you a picture of that back when we were talking pies one Christmas, maybe, but it was a beautiful meringue.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: Inches tall.
29:41
SPEAKER_01: Inches.
29:42
SPEAKER_01: And it was really, really good.
29:43
SPEAKER_01: And then I think we might have tapped out.
29:45
SPEAKER_03: So if that if the last one was a toilet, this one was more of a urinal.
29:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I really went for the color theme.
29:51
SPEAKER_01: It was really on brand here.
29:52
SPEAKER_01: It was a dark brown pie and a bright tall place to take a piss.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: Tall, yeah, yeah.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: Lift your leg over that, big boy.
30:02
SPEAKER_03: They're gonna put that on your tombstone.
30:07
SPEAKER_03: I can only hope.
30:09
SPEAKER_03: Lift your leg over that big boy Flanagan.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: Can you can you ensure that happens?
30:14
SPEAKER_03: Of course.
30:15
SPEAKER_03: I mean, I feel like I'm only gonna get pushback from one person who I like.
30:19
SPEAKER_03: Oh, I was like, who, Jay?
30:21
SPEAKER_03: Jay.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh, Jay would be gonna push back on that, right?
30:24
SPEAKER_01: No, Jay will be right in for that.
30:25
SPEAKER_01: He'll be fine.
30:26
SPEAKER_01: Okay, he'll get it.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: He knows it's for like it's for the bit, and then he'll he'll commit.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: Like he'll be like, no, we gotta do it.
30:32
SPEAKER_03: It's just for we talked about it in 2026.
30:34
SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter that it's 30 years later and I'm in grief.
30:37
unknown: Yeah.
30:39
SPEAKER_01: And then the only thing that I could hope is that a cat comes and peas on my gravestone.
30:43
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
30:43
SPEAKER_03: Well, it's a it's a guarantee.
30:44
SPEAKER_01: It's a guarantee.
30:45
SPEAKER_01: Nick, would you would you take us home?
30:47
SPEAKER_03: You know that I will.
30:48
SPEAKER_03: Folks, thank you so much for joining us on the Reverse Jackass podcast.
30:51
SPEAKER_03: We love you.
30:51
SPEAKER_03: We're appreciative that you joined us on our quest to bring peace between our two countries, and we do hope that you will continue to leave us uh more flattering vocal feedback.
31:00
SPEAKER_03: Send us an email at reversejackass at gmail.com.
31:03
SPEAKER_03: Like, subscribe, leave us a review.
31:05
SPEAKER_03: We'll probably read it on on the air if you do, even if it's shitty.
31:08
SPEAKER_03: Um, but otherwise, just keep being kind to yourselves and to one another, and we'll see you next time.
31:12
SPEAKER_01: Some neighbors are besties.
31:15
SPEAKER_03: Others quarrel bitterly.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: Stuck together through geography.
31:20
SPEAKER_03: One of us has nukes, and the other has tok's.
31:24
SPEAKER_01: It's American and Canadian diplomacy.
31:29
SPEAKER_01: It's reversed.