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S2 E14 - The Clare Show · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_05: Previously on the Stephen Jeff show, he swallowed his own words.
0:04
SPEAKER_05: As a rule, I don't swallow.
0:05
SPEAKER_05: And I'm going to get this show qualified for continuing medical education.
0:10
SPEAKER_04: So happy to be here.
0:11
SPEAKER_04: I'm glad that we may have helped you, even though the uh drug cinema probably made you sicker.
0:16
SPEAKER_03: How did you fall off the rails?
0:17
SPEAKER_03: It's not theft if you're adorable.
0:19
SPEAKER_03: I bet your dad's proud.
0:21
SPEAKER_03: But I digress.
0:21
SPEAKER_03: Tobago.
0:22
SPEAKER_03: No.
0:22
SPEAKER_03: Tobago.
0:23
SPEAKER_03: Trinidad.
0:24
SPEAKER_03: Well, Trinidad and Tobago.
0:25
SPEAKER_03: That's that's the thing.
0:26
SPEAKER_03: Oh, you got them both.
0:27
SPEAKER_04: You don't sell snake oil when you're using actual snakes.
0:30
SPEAKER_04: Ground up goat testicles and earworm vaginas.
0:33
SPEAKER_06: Worm, worm.
0:34
SPEAKER_06: Or morm vagina.
0:35
SPEAKER_04: Or more.
0:35
SPEAKER_04: That would even make pop off taste bad.
0:37
SPEAKER_05: What a perfect Valentine's Day gift.
0:39
SPEAKER_05: Not bad eating either.
0:40
SPEAKER_06: Because a lot of porn has artificial chemicals.
0:43
SPEAKER_05: So many companies are creating genetically modified porn.
0:46
SPEAKER_05: You can't have all of the anal jelly.
0:48
SPEAKER_05: We'll fix it in post.
0:50
SPEAKER_05: We fixed it in post.
0:51
SPEAKER_05: Fix Steve.
0:51
SPEAKER_05: Let me move away from these dogs.
0:53
SPEAKER_05: Some patients felt an urge to sniff rear ends or hump legs.
0:58
SPEAKER_05: Right, people, welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, starring Claire.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: I, producer Claire, am the host of this week's show.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: I kind of got annoyed with the two loons and told Steve and Jeff to just come on Wednesday.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: And it is, in fact, Tuesday.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: So this show, for once, isn't the Steve and Jeff show.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: It's not the Chelsea show.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: It's not the Mark show.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: It's the Claire show.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: And I hope you enjoy it.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: As you know, if you listen to the Steve and Jeff show, I'm their new producer.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: I come from a quite impressive background, if I do say so myself, finishing first in my class at University of Iowa Council Bluffs with a degree in tourist hospitality and solicitation.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Clearly, I am overqualified for this job.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: And even though I have only worked for them for the last couple months, I can't tell you what an incredible impact I have had on the show.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: And really Steve and Jeff themselves.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Well, I guess I can tell you that, and we'll continue to tell you that throughout the show.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Now, normally Steve and Jeff start off every show with a little bit of banter, sliding in a joke here and there, crude and crass, all to make Jim from San Diego happy.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm looking at you, Jim from San Diego.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: It's always a stupid joke, but I mean, what do you expect from a couple guys who pride themselves in performing comedy at a junior high level?
2:18
SPEAKER_00: I, on the other hand, have consulted with some of the great comedians of our time and any other time for that matter.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: I literally created the knock-knock joke category as well as the chicken cross the road one-liners.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: And who do you think told Bill Cosby that comedy about children and families was funny?
2:37
SPEAKER_00: That was me, of course.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: And I remember Bill wanted to tell some rape jokes, but I told him that not only was it not funny, but it could potentially be seen as kind of offensive to some.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to telling show opening jokes, I know what I'm talking about.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: If I were to tell a joke, it would be hilarious, classy, not a degenerate shitstorm like they like.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: If I told a joke, it would sound something like this.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive, beautiful Persian rugs.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: She looks around, you know, not seeing anything she really likes until she spots this glorious rug and walks over to inspect it.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: As she leans down, feeling the texture, really inspecting that beautiful, luscious carpet, she rips a fat, loud fart.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Pretty embarrassed, she kind of looks around nervously, checking to see if anyone noticed, which they didn't seem to.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: As she turns back, though, standing next to her is a salesman.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: He juts in saying, Good day, ma'am.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: How may I help you today?
3:46
SPEAKER_00: Flustered, she asks, uh, Sir, how much does this rug cost?
3:51
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am, he answers, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit yourself when you hear the price.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: See the difference?
3:58
SPEAKER_00: It's called class.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: And that's why they hired me.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: Not at all because, you know, both runners up were indisposed, but you know, no matter what you hear in the online forums, this is why they hired me, the class.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: Anyways, tonight this show is not about me.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it is about me, but it's also about the Steve and Jeff show and me.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: Yes, this evening we are going to listen to parts of some of the best episodes that helped to make the Steve and Jeff show the number one podcast in the world.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: It's an amazing journey, especially since I wasn't there to do most of the work like I do now.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: But dumb luck, maybe.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: Although, if you ask me, luck had nothing to do with making it dumb.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: So sit back, relax, pop a snack, enjoy some of our best on-air bits that made them what they are today.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: And if y'all know what that is, please let me know because I still can't figure it out.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: Anyways, our first clip comes from the first podcast that Steve and Jeff ever performed in.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: It was 1973, if you can believe it.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: And in this episode, a young Steve secretly records some of his own therapy sessions.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: To the surprise of everyone, especially his therapist.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: Let's take a listen.
5:17
SPEAKER_05: Hey everybody, welcome to the very first episode.
5:20
SPEAKER_05: I have a little example of one of our sessions.
5:23
SPEAKER_07: An example?
5:24
SPEAKER_05: I was gonna disclose something really big, and I thought I'm starting a podcast soon.
5:27
SPEAKER_05: Play it right now if you want.
5:29
SPEAKER_07: Uh you recorded our session?
5:32
SPEAKER_05: A little bit of it.
5:33
SPEAKER_05: I didn't record the whole thing because you know, at the end, I I turned it off because you said when right before you said, you know, you haven't paid me in six weeks.
5:40
SPEAKER_05: So I tried I didn't record that, but I recorded a little bit of it.
5:43
SPEAKER_05: Well, here, here, I'll play it for you.
5:44
SPEAKER_05: You know, doctor, you have to do that.
5:50
SPEAKER_05: I gotta tell you about one.
6:28
SPEAKER_05: Oh man, it's hard.
6:34
SPEAKER_07: It's hard.
6:35
SPEAKER_07: It's hard for the thing to do.
6:37
SPEAKER_07: I I I feel like I can't believe you recorded our session.
6:40
SPEAKER_07: That's a severe breach of trust.
6:43
SPEAKER_07: This is completely unprofessional.
6:45
SPEAKER_07: This is completely unacceptable recording one of our sessions.
6:48
SPEAKER_07: I can't believe this.
6:50
SPEAKER_07: And and you know, I tell you not to judge, but I will judge you for this because you broke our trust.
6:57
SPEAKER_07: Oh that is something to be tried.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh okay.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Nothing too sick about wanting to have sex with your mother's car, right?
7:05
SPEAKER_00: I mean, to some extent, haven't we all had that kind of dream in one form or another?
7:09
SPEAKER_00: And secondly, I know it's a shock to the boys that they pissed off Steve's therapist, but obviously it was the end of counseling for Steve.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Ironically, even though Steve didn't see her anymore, she actually forgave Steve and Jeff and appeared on the show a second time.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: Let's hear a little bit about that.
7:29
SPEAKER_06: Dr.
7:29
SPEAKER_06: Fields, are you there?
7:31
SPEAKER_00: I am, Jeff.
7:32
SPEAKER_07: We just had a session last week.
7:34
SPEAKER_07: I'm a little confused now.
7:36
SPEAKER_06: Steve, I was gonna tell you.
7:38
SPEAKER_06: Um, I I you know that I'm seeing Dr.
7:41
SPEAKER_06: Fields now.
7:41
SPEAKER_06: And you're seeing Dr.
7:43
SPEAKER_06: Fields, yeah.
7:44
SPEAKER_06: She's not really helping me at this point, but I just want you to know it was just a matter of seeing her, but well, yeah.
7:51
SPEAKER_07: Jeff talked about this.
7:54
SPEAKER_05: Hi, Steve.
7:55
SPEAKER_05: Hi, doc.
7:56
SPEAKER_05: I guess I should apologize, and I kind of made a mistake.
8:00
SPEAKER_04: Yes.
8:01
SPEAKER_05: I'm glad that you agreed that could at least come on the show and we can see each other this way if we're not.
8:08
SPEAKER_07: This is for Jeff.
8:09
SPEAKER_05: Oh, okay.
8:10
SPEAKER_05: It's a guess she's moved on, Jeff, you know.
8:12
SPEAKER_05: I mean, I don't know.
8:14
SPEAKER_06: I prefer to think that she's just in a better place, you know, not as much moved on as you know, that maybe kind of moved up.
8:21
SPEAKER_06: Oh, because she's seeing you, right?
8:23
SPEAKER_06: Well well, my problems are work, are are much worse than yours.
8:27
SPEAKER_06: That's what I mean by moving up.
8:28
SPEAKER_05: You know, that's probably true, but but I digress, you know, she's seeing you now.
8:33
SPEAKER_05: Uh wow.
8:33
SPEAKER_05: Well, doc, I is Jeff as interesting as I was because I I had some pretty good sessions, pretty interesting sessions with you, right?
8:40
SPEAKER_05: I was like healing in my own way, and maybe I had trouble communicating that to you, you know.
8:45
SPEAKER_05: I I don't know.
8:46
SPEAKER_06: Doc, I I feel like I've gained so much insight since I've started seeing you, and like I'm seeing things that I never saw before.
8:54
SPEAKER_06: And so I think of a raisinette as the a healthy, beautiful fruit covered in you know, sugar and chocolate and things that are bad for you.
9:04
SPEAKER_06: And I feel like in some ways, maybe that's who I am.
9:08
SPEAKER_06: A beautiful fruit that's just covered with chocolate.
9:11
SPEAKER_07: That's really insightful, and we we definitely need to talk about that.
9:15
SPEAKER_07: And honestly, I much prefer to talk about things like that than say cars.
9:22
SPEAKER_05: Oh, we're gonna go there, are we?
9:24
SPEAKER_05: Oh, okay.
9:26
SPEAKER_05: I didn't know it was gonna get to this level.
9:28
SPEAKER_06: Steve is like going on and on about this car, and I think that you're seeing me, not Steve, anymore.
9:34
SPEAKER_06: So I just want to make sure I'm not being charged.
9:36
SPEAKER_07: No, you're not being charged.
9:38
SPEAKER_07: I just I'm so conflicted here.
9:40
SPEAKER_07: I'm rethinking everything now.
9:42
SPEAKER_07: I'm so conflicted now because I sit in this room and I listen to both of you talk, and I wonder what I'm doing with my life.
9:50
SPEAKER_07: There's this wonderful quote: my alone feels so good.
9:53
SPEAKER_07: I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.
9:57
SPEAKER_07: And I think that that can be applied to my professional career as well.
10:01
SPEAKER_07: Steve, Jeff, I don't believe you're sweeter than my solitude.
10:07
SPEAKER_05: Wow, Jeff, she's breaking up with both of us.
10:10
SPEAKER_00: So I think we can all agree the only thing more classless than what Steve did to the therapist is her coming back on the show again and getting sucked into the nonsense that is Steve and Jeff again.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, and just for the record, I could have counseled Steve far better than that hack.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: As you probably know, I originally started the whole category of therapy, something that I'm pretty proud of.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: As a quick follow-up, Steve's therapist is still helping Steve, surprisingly enough.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: Not in therapy, though, uh, but washing cars for a living.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: Kind of ironic, isn't it?
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay, the next episode we are going to look at is when Jeff decides to get a nose job.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: Keep in mind as you're listening to this that Jeff is a very price conscious and very big nosed individual.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Take it from me.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: I've seen really big noses and they tend to look like Jeff's.
11:05
SPEAKER_06: Self-improvement was very important to me, you know, whether it was taking extra classes or yeah, improv or or what whatever it is.
11:13
SPEAKER_06: And but one of the areas that I really wanted to improve on was my nose.
11:19
SPEAKER_06: You know, I felt that is a good place to start.
11:21
SPEAKER_06: Kind of a big project.
11:22
SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
11:23
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it's something you know that I've sort of dragged along.
11:26
SPEAKER_06: So you checked into this, right?
11:28
SPEAKER_06: I did.
11:28
SPEAKER_06: You know, I looked into the the franchises, you know, you know, nose or us and the nose nose, yeah.
11:34
SPEAKER_06: The way I get it, yeah, nose buddy's business, you know, which I think is mob related.
11:39
SPEAKER_06: So I didn't I didn't want to go there.
11:41
SPEAKER_06: I ended up with somebody who I think is just a fantastic plastic surgeon, and he is our guest today.
11:48
SPEAKER_06: And his name is Dr.
11:50
SPEAKER_06: Rhinestein, Rhinosteiner.
11:52
SPEAKER_06: How uh Dr.
11:54
SPEAKER_06: Will, how do you pronounce that last name?
11:56
SPEAKER_02: Dr.
11:56
SPEAKER_02: Will Rhinostein, your work will be extensive.
11:59
SPEAKER_02: What do you mean, extensive?
12:00
SPEAKER_02: I mean check the back.
12:04
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, you're complicated because I'm a celebrity.
12:07
SPEAKER_05: No, I mean, Jeff, they have mirrors where you live, right?
12:09
SPEAKER_05: You know, I mean, come on, you know.
12:11
SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be hurtful, but it's going to take quite a lot of time.
12:15
SPEAKER_02: 80% of my clients never complain.
12:17
SPEAKER_02: This is making me a little uncomfortable.
12:19
SPEAKER_02: Some people see a Rembrandt, some people see a Picasso.
12:22
SPEAKER_02: I want them to see a nose.
12:24
SPEAKER_02: Well, uh, you know, nose is a vague term.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm not saying that Jeff cut corners on the nose job, but come on, he could have at least splurged a little and done it at a nice Hilton.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: Obviously, when you decide to get something like this, there are risks involved and a lot of excitement when you do the big reveal.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Let's take a listen to that.
12:46
SPEAKER_07: No one told you that was going to be this way.
12:50
SPEAKER_05: Are you ready to reveal what the nose looks like to our listening audience who, of course, can't see this, but we can describe it.
12:58
SPEAKER_06: Sure.
12:58
SPEAKER_06: You want me to sit up, Doctor?
13:00
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes.
13:00
SPEAKER_02: Well, we did a um subduranial incision and then a um removal and uh replacement of uh various uh sinus and uh non-sinus tissue, and then we reconstructed it the very best we could.
13:13
SPEAKER_02: We were working off various various models and uh drawings and sculptures, and um, I did, I did, I really did do what I could.
13:20
SPEAKER_02: And and there will be some residual swelling.
13:23
SPEAKER_02: So don't don't assume what you see is is all there is.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: You know, it may get better over time.
13:28
SPEAKER_05: Well, and doctor, wouldn't it be fair to say that you're somewhat limited by the material that you have to work with?
13:34
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
13:34
SPEAKER_02: I I'm only one man.
13:36
SPEAKER_05: Well, and this is only one nose, however big, it's only one nose, right?
13:40
SPEAKER_02: As a conservationist and environmentalist, I tried to use the best recycled plastics I could find.
13:45
SPEAKER_05: Well, you know, Jeff, you're ready to show us here in the studio uh and all those listener show those listeners at home uh what your nose looks like.
13:53
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
14:00
SPEAKER_05: Wow, Jeff.
14:02
SPEAKER_05: You know, I gotta tell you, Doctor, that's an amazing nose.
14:06
SPEAKER_05: Jeff, you look like Jennifer Aniston.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: Just a follow-up on that.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: Uh Jeff eventually got his original nose back, much against my recommendation, mind you.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: I think he learned a lot about accepting who you are and being proud of it or some shit like that.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: But looking back, maybe if Jeff had just chosen someone a little bit more current to look like, it would have ended differently.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: Maybe using someone like Norm McDonald or even Sarah Silverman would have been a better choice.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: But come on, Jennifer Aniston, she's so old and so yesterday.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: But side note, I actually stood up at Jennifer's first wedding.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Pretty woman for sure, which just happened to be the title of the screenplay I wrote in the 90s.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: Next, we're going to listen to something a little bit more current.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: It's from 2012, and it has to do with a time on the show when they were having a hard time booking guest, if you can believe it.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: So honestly, would have been the perfect time to hire me, but I was, I guess, just in grade school.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: Not that I still couldn't have done better.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: Anyways, this is the show where they interviewed Steve's paper girl, Mallory Marshall Mayflower.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Hitting rock bottom?
15:15
SPEAKER_00: Not yet.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: Let's give it a listen.
15:17
SPEAKER_06: Don't change a good thing.
15:20
SPEAKER_06: If being a doing a paper route, you're good at it, you're successful at it, don't give up on that.
15:26
SPEAKER_06: You know, a lot of people they they they want to like go to school and learn something else.
15:30
SPEAKER_06: And then, you know, and who knows whether they're going to be good at that.
15:33
SPEAKER_06: But clearly, you are wonderful at delivering anything.
15:37
SPEAKER_06: You know, I would not give that that up at all.
15:40
SPEAKER_06: What do you think, Steve?
15:41
SPEAKER_05: You know, Jeff, you make such a good point because I can I can speak from experience too.
15:45
SPEAKER_05: I am much older than you, and I'm almost as old as Jeff, in fact.
15:49
SPEAKER_05: How much?
15:50
SPEAKER_05: And I'm very close, very close to his age, in fact.
15:53
SPEAKER_05: And I was really good when I was your age.
15:56
SPEAKER_05: I was really good at staring out windows, and I gave that up and I pursued education.
16:00
SPEAKER_05: And you know what?
16:02
SPEAKER_06: Don't you regret it?
16:02
SPEAKER_06: Don't you regret it now, Steve?
16:04
SPEAKER_05: I do, because I could still be in that second floor apartment staring out the windows, and I'd be, I don't know, I think I'd be happier, you know.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, gosh, that's really good advice, Mr.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Jeff and Mr.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: Steve.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: I never thought of it like that.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: Like, what if I did something different and I wasn't good at it, and then my life would be ruined just like yours.
16:24
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, and Mallory, in all likelihood, that is what would happen.
16:28
SPEAKER_06: So I, you know, I so this is a good time you're at a crossroads, 13 years old.
16:33
SPEAKER_06: Most people make their their decisions on what they're gonna be like the rest of their life, you know, somewhere between 12 and 13 and a half.
16:42
SPEAKER_06: And so you're you're at the perfect age to make you know, to make that decision.
16:46
SPEAKER_06: And I, you know, I I don't know you, but I want the best for you.
16:50
SPEAKER_06: So uh um, you know, do whatever you want.
16:52
SPEAKER_06: But if if I were you, I would stay exactly where you are.
16:55
SPEAKER_05: Well, and and and and you know, Jeff, one of the exciting things about this podcast is that look at what look at the good we can do.
17:02
SPEAKER_05: We can serve as an example of what not to do.
17:05
SPEAKER_05: We are giving her a vivid example of how not to live your life.
17:09
SPEAKER_06: You're always better staying where you're at.
17:11
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's what my parents always told me.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: That would be like if you were if you were on a a a beloved sitcom and then you stopped being on sitcoms, and and then you're not beloved anymore, and that's like exactly what you're talking about.
17:28
SPEAKER_01: You did the thing, you did the the thing you're good at, and then you left that thing, and you did another thing you're bad at, and now your life is ruined forever.
17:38
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, yeah, and Jeff, Jeff, those were such wise words, just stay where you are.
17:44
SPEAKER_05: You know, my parents told me that.
17:46
SPEAKER_05: My parents told me, look, Steve, stay right where you are.
17:50
SPEAKER_05: They told me that right before they moved.
17:51
SPEAKER_05: They said, Steve, stay right where you are, and I did.
17:54
SPEAKER_01: My mom's always telling me that too, and I I never understood it until right now.
18:01
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, and Mallory, I don't know if you know, but you know, I I have a connection to the TV show Friends.
18:07
SPEAKER_06: And here you have a case where yeah, I do.
18:09
SPEAKER_06: Well, I have one of their noses, Jennifer Aniston's nose, actually.
18:13
SPEAKER_06: But um, what I want to tell you is you look at that show, none of them had the success by moving on to other things.
18:21
SPEAKER_06: If they were smart, they would have been friends forever.
18:24
SPEAKER_06: Friends forever is um a path to success.
18:28
SPEAKER_06: So I I think we can learn a lot from from that experience.
18:32
SPEAKER_05: I agree, I agree.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: I I'm so so glad I got to be on your radio show today.
18:39
SPEAKER_01: I feel like this is a life-changing moment for me.
18:42
SPEAKER_01: Every dead person I can think of, they weren't doing the thing that they were so good at when they died.
18:50
SPEAKER_01: It's all the pieces are coming together now.
18:55
SPEAKER_06: The key part of this is don't try anything else.
18:59
SPEAKER_06: Just stay where you're at.
19:01
SPEAKER_06: If if you do that, uh Mallory, I think you'll be successful.
19:04
SPEAKER_01: We should bring all the kids into the gymnasium, and you should tell them, tell them to only stick at the one thing you're good at and never, ever, ever, ever change.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: I have to admit she was pretty cute, but it still feels a little bit inappropriate.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I hear the outtakes for the show were hilarious and would have disgusted everyone.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm glad whoever produced that episode though cut that shit out, or I might not be working here now for them being canceled.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: And as far as making fun of Mallory, I don't think that's really that right to do that.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: It's more a lack of A-level guests and subjects I'm making fun of.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: Because to be clear, delivering papers is something to be proud of, I guess.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: I mean, hard work is hard work, but to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what that job title entails.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: I mean, are we talking about Mallory delivering papers working for Amazon?
20:01
SPEAKER_00: A little girl driving that big a van?
20:03
SPEAKER_00: Like, what exactly are papers anyway?
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: As just a follow-up though, Mallory stopped doing that paper root right after we did our show and is now a pole dancer at a club in Council Bluffs.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: I've seen her a couple times, and I mean she's pretty good, but not as good as I was back in the 90s.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: And finally, let's take a listen to the first appearance of the Steve and Jeff show by Steve's mom.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: She became a show favorite.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: And as you probably know, Steve's mom later defied all odds and gave birth to sweet little baby Stevie at the ripe old age of 90.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: Take it away, Mrs.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: Steve.
20:41
SPEAKER_08: I'm doing well today, Steve.
20:43
SPEAKER_08: I I can't wait.
20:44
SPEAKER_08: You can't see my house coat, can you?
20:46
SPEAKER_08: You can't see my house coat, right?
20:48
SPEAKER_05: No, it's the house coat, it I I can see like the very top.
20:51
SPEAKER_05: It's like the little fringe around the neck.
20:53
SPEAKER_05: That's uh that's it.
20:54
SPEAKER_05: That's it.
20:55
SPEAKER_08: But I wore the necklace that you gave me last year.
20:58
SPEAKER_08: I wore it.
20:58
SPEAKER_05: I wore it today.
21:00
SPEAKER_05: Oh, thanks, Mom.
21:02
SPEAKER_05: See, she she's nice that way.
21:03
SPEAKER_05: That is so nice.
21:04
SPEAKER_08: Stephen, I will tell you, all of your My Little Ponies, I boxed them up and I made sure to put your name on the box.
21:11
SPEAKER_08: You when you come from Mac and Cheese, you take your ponies with you this time.
21:15
SPEAKER_05: Oh, you still got my ponies?
21:18
SPEAKER_05: Oh, mom, she's the greatest, isn't she?
21:20
SPEAKER_05: Wow, that is so nice.
21:22
SPEAKER_05: You know, see, a lot of guys wouldn't cop to being a my little pony fan or a brony, as they sometimes call them.
21:30
SPEAKER_05: But see, I don't mind because my mom's behind me.
21:33
SPEAKER_05: I don't care.
21:35
SPEAKER_08: There was that one time when I caught you smelling your sister's strawberry shortcape dolls.
21:40
SPEAKER_08: That felt like you had moved into really uncharted territory, Stephen.
21:53
SPEAKER_08: So what was I saying?
21:54
SPEAKER_08: That there was something about Pete.
21:57
SPEAKER_05: Sniffing uh doll named Pete, I think.
21:59
SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
21:59
SPEAKER_08: Oh, oh, I was sniffing the uh strawberry shortcake dots, but they used to smell, those dolls used to smell, yeah.
22:07
SPEAKER_08: But like good things, not like like not like like other things.
22:11
SPEAKER_05: Right.
22:12
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, they smelled good.
22:13
SPEAKER_05: And I, you know, but mom, I that's people might think that's a little weird if I'm you know, if we say that on the radio this way, like in a podcast that I'm that's gonna be recorded and and millions are gonna listen to for years, and they now know that I smelled dolls when I was a kid.
22:27
SPEAKER_08: Wow, that's they might you stop smelling them though, Steven?
22:31
SPEAKER_05: Well, no, no, no, I I like them still.
22:34
SPEAKER_05: I I have a bunch.
22:35
SPEAKER_05: In fact, I I I got one right here.
22:36
SPEAKER_05: Here, let me here.
22:38
SPEAKER_05: I ah oh man, it's so nice.
22:43
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, oh mom, you remember that 65 impala that you had?
22:47
SPEAKER_05: Oh my gosh.
22:48
SPEAKER_08: You threw up in that back seat twice, Stephen.
22:50
SPEAKER_05: I believe I used to get car sick as a kid, you know.
22:54
SPEAKER_05: It's I kind of got over it, sort of, but oh mom, that car got the sleek lines on that car.
23:00
SPEAKER_05: It just it it did something to me, mom.
23:02
SPEAKER_05: Smelling the dolls doesn't even seem unusual compared to that car, you know.
23:07
SPEAKER_06: Well, it sounds like you did a lot more than just smell that car.
23:11
SPEAKER_06: Well, but uh yeah, well, I digress.
23:13
SPEAKER_06: But you digress.
23:15
SPEAKER_08: Steven, you you borrowed that car a lot, Stephen.
23:18
SPEAKER_08: What were you doing in it?
23:20
SPEAKER_05: We'd go out and you know, in parks and quiet areas and just kind of be together.
23:27
SPEAKER_08: You didn't go to a rest, Steven.
23:29
SPEAKER_08: That's not safe.
23:30
SPEAKER_05: Oh, yeah, we well, one time we did go to a rest stop, yeah.
23:33
SPEAKER_05: You and your car?
23:34
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, oh yeah, and your car.
23:37
SPEAKER_05: There were a lot of people around, so we had to wait a while, but you know, yeah, it was it was a little weird, yeah.
23:43
SPEAKER_08: Stevie, that's fine.
23:45
SPEAKER_08: You don't apologize for your shortcomings.
23:48
SPEAKER_05: There you go.
23:48
SPEAKER_08: See, there you go.
23:49
SPEAKER_05: See, mom's the best, isn't she?
23:51
SPEAKER_05: Look at that.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: Quite a woman and mom.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Super fun at parties, I hear, especially with an open bar.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: And one thing about Mrs.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: Steve, when she's around, the bar is always open.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's it.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: I must say, hosting this thing is pretty easy.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: I do not know what the guys are talking about.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: But I guess Steve and Jeff will be back next week or something, as you know, I need to get back to making us super famous and super rich.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: And when I say us, I mean them because I'm just the faceless mask behind the curtain, I guess.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: But anyways, as I leave the show, I do have one request.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: Please review me and sign up for the podcast.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe if I become more famous than the boys, I'll finally get fucking paid.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Anyways, I'm out.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: Ciao, bitches.
24:42
SPEAKER_05: Right, Miss Claire.