Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / 157. Alex Silver-Fagan, Trainer & Creator of Flow Into Strong

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157. Alex Silver-Fagan, Trainer & Creator of Flow Into Strong · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

0:00
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that the universe gave me all of
0:02
Speaker 1: this extra resistance the past year because I realized I
0:06
Speaker 1: didn't get stronger. I just it made me seem my strong.
0:10
Speaker 1: And I don't think anybody has to get stronger. All
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Speaker 1: of these physical outlets running, cycling, lifting, weights, yoga, they're
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Speaker 1: just uncovering the strong that's already in you.
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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, Emily Abadi here. You are listening to episode
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Speaker 2: one fifty seven of Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where
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Speaker 2: we sit down with inspiring individuals to talk about big wins,
0:45
Speaker 2: tough moments, and everything in between. On the show, you
0:49
Speaker 2: can expect vulnerability, motivation, and candid discussions with everyone from
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Speaker 2: top athletes and CEOs to aspiring entrepreneurs on what it
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Speaker 2: really takes to follow your passions. My mission is simple
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Speaker 2: to inspire you to be your best self, move with intention,
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Speaker 2: and have some fun along the way. Today I am
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Speaker 2: chatting with Alex silver Bagan. Now, if her name sounds familiar,
1:15
Speaker 2: that's because of fact. Alex was my first ever guest
1:19
Speaker 2: on the show. That's right. We chatted originally over three
1:22
Speaker 2: years ago. Now for episode two, which we reference a
1:25
Speaker 2: couple of times in today's recording, Why am I having
1:29
Speaker 2: Alex back of the show? You ask, well, Alex has
1:32
Speaker 2: certainly jumped her fair share of hurdles over the last
1:37
Speaker 2: few years, like many fitness professionals. During the pandemic, she
1:40
Speaker 2: went from teaching live and in person to doing so remotely.
1:44
Speaker 2: She also chose to leave a job during this time,
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Speaker 2: and we talk about how that transition really impacted her.
1:51
Speaker 2: She also opens up about a lot of personal hurdles
1:55
Speaker 2: as well. Alex talks about falling in love and getting
1:58
Speaker 2: engaged and unengaged and how that was for her. The
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Speaker 2: biggest conversation point in today's episode, however, is mental health
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Speaker 2: and how Alex chose to open up about hers and
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Speaker 2: seek treatment for hers, and we talk about what that
2:18
Speaker 2: looked like. And before I continue on with this intro,
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Speaker 2: I'm going to let Alex chime in on why this
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Speaker 2: is important.
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Speaker 1: You don't exist without your mental health, and there's often
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Speaker 1: a fear of getting help. There's a barrier to entry
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Speaker 1: if you will, with finances, whatever it may be, shame
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Speaker 1: perhaps in saying that you are struggling. I promise you
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Speaker 1: more people are going through it than you think, so please, please, please.
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Speaker 2: Reach out for help.
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Speaker 1: You're not living your life if you are not exploring
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Speaker 1: what's going on in your head.
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Speaker 2: Needless to say, Alex really opens up today and we
3:01
Speaker 2: really get into some very serious topics. So if this
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Speaker 2: resonates with you, if you are struggling with your mental health,
3:08
Speaker 2: I'm going to put some resources into the show notes,
3:10
Speaker 2: but I want you to know that Alex and I
3:14
Speaker 2: talked extensively about what we hoped for this episode. We
3:21
Speaker 2: chatted extensively about our responsibility before putting content like this
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Speaker 2: into the world, and so it is our hope that
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Speaker 2: this conversation helps someone somewhere feel less alone in whatever
3:37
Speaker 2: it is that they're going through. I'm going to keep
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Speaker 2: this intro short because I really want to get into
3:42
Speaker 2: this episode, but I encourage you this week specifically share
3:45
Speaker 2: this episode with a friend and have a conversation about
3:49
Speaker 2: it because it's really important stuff. Make sure you're following
3:52
Speaker 2: along with Hurdle over at Hurdle podcast, I Emily am
3:56
Speaker 2: over at Emily a Body, and if you haven't done
3:59
Speaker 2: so yet, head on over to Apple Podcasts so rate
4:01
Speaker 2: and review the show. It only takes a few seconds,
4:04
Speaker 2: and I'll even throw the link to do that in
4:06
Speaker 2: the show notes with that, let's get to hurdling. Today.
4:17
Speaker 2: I'm chatting with Alex silver Fagan. She is a fitness entrepreneur,
4:23
Speaker 2: a trainer, a yogi beloved too many. How you doing now?
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Speaker 1: I'm doing I'm doing great. Actually, yeah, I feel like
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Speaker 1: a brand new human. I love that you love the
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Speaker 1: fitness entrepreneur title. I love it too, because it's hard
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Speaker 1: to identify yourselves with. I don't like identifying myself with
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Speaker 1: my job, titles, my career because I think it's always changing.
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Speaker 1: And when you had just asked me what I want
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Speaker 1: to be put down as I said, human. And that's
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Speaker 1: really because that's all the work I've been doing is
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Speaker 1: to be a better human, to be a better soul
5:04
Speaker 1: existing in my body. And I have put so much
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Speaker 1: energy over my past twenty nine years on getting titles
5:13
Speaker 1: and being a Nike Master trainer or being a Mirror
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Speaker 1: Founding instructor, or being a three hundred and fifty hour
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Speaker 1: yoga teacher, and I am exhausted with trying to find
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Speaker 1: labels and I'm just trying to find existence. And I
5:28
Speaker 1: don't think I'm trying anymore. I think I'm settling into it.
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Speaker 1: So that's how I'm doing. And that's why I said
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Speaker 1: I'm a human.
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Speaker 2: A human. Maybe I'll just label your episodes like that,
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Speaker 2: Alex silver Fagan human, you know what? And I think
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Speaker 2: that's so true, especially these days as we all live
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Speaker 2: in this like multi hyphenate world where we wear many hats.
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Speaker 2: If you're so wrapped up about what's in your Instagram
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Speaker 2: bio and you're paying that more attention than what's actually
5:56
Speaker 2: happening around you, that's problematic.
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Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I've learned also when i'm i'm uh
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Speaker 1: trying to find a client, or I'm introducing myself in
6:04
Speaker 1: a podcast or an interview or an event, rather than
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Speaker 1: giving my title, what do I do, like, who do
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Speaker 1: I affect? What's my goal?
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Speaker 2: What's my mission?
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Speaker 1: So instead of you know, I'm Alex silver Fagan, a
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Speaker 1: fitness instructor and yoga teacher, I'm Alex silver Fagan, and
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Speaker 1: I try to help people discover that they can come
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Speaker 1: back to their bodies and unlock their potential by re
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Speaker 1: establishing that relationship with themselves. And so I do that
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Speaker 1: with Flow and a Strong, which is the class that
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Speaker 1: I've developed. But instead of saying that I'm the founder
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Speaker 1: of Flow and strong. Let me tell you what it is,
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Speaker 1: you know, and that's our energy, that's the impact that
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Speaker 1: we leave on people, and that's what I want someone
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Speaker 1: to understand and feel.
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Speaker 2: First for those of you that have been longtime hurdlers,
6:52
Speaker 2: or maybe if you're a new hurdler and you kind
6:54
Speaker 2: of started from the beginning, Alex was one of my
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Speaker 2: first guests. Her episode launched December thirty first, twenty seventeen,
7:04
Speaker 2: which feels like an eternity ago and so recently. In
7:09
Speaker 2: chatting with Alex, who I've known long, much longer than
7:12
Speaker 2: that amount of time, and by the prompting of the
7:16
Speaker 2: hurdle community, I had a few dms about this episode
7:20
Speaker 2: that I thought it was about time that we regrouped
7:24
Speaker 2: for the pod because so much has happened since then.
7:27
Speaker 2: So much has happened.
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Speaker 1: I've lived it.
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Speaker 2: It's been a lot. It's been a lot, I mean,
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Speaker 2: both of our ends.
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Speaker 1: We have so much more to talk about together, especially
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Speaker 1: you've talked to so many people for the podcast. You've
7:39
Speaker 1: heard so many, many amazing, inspiring stories where it I
7:43
Speaker 1: love coming back to the same topics with a new perspective.
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Speaker 2: One hundred percent. So we won't go into your entire
7:53
Speaker 2: backstory in this episode. If you are interested in hearing
7:57
Speaker 2: the nitty gritty about pre December thirty first, twenty seventeen
8:01
Speaker 2: Alex Silver Vagan, click on over to the show notes
8:04
Speaker 2: where I will link that episode. But why don't you
8:08
Speaker 2: give those listening starting here a little bit of background
8:13
Speaker 2: just on how long you've been in the fitness industry,
8:17
Speaker 2: how you got into the fitness industry, and you know
8:20
Speaker 2: that kind of stuff.
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Speaker 1: So I started in the fitness industry seven years ago.
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Speaker 1: I started because I needed to be better. I needed
8:27
Speaker 1: to get better. I was very underweight. I was working
8:30
Speaker 1: in nightlife and I just so happened upon bodybuilding and
8:35
Speaker 1: bikini competitions as a way to get strong or to
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Speaker 1: get I thought that was the answer instead of just
8:41
Speaker 1: gaining weight, which is what I needed to do. And
8:45
Speaker 1: from there I did my bikini competitions. I then was
8:50
Speaker 1: introduced to the group fitness World in New York. I
8:53
Speaker 1: started to study to become a personal trainer. I was
8:56
Speaker 1: then teaching group fitness classes. I then went to Thailand
8:59
Speaker 1: for my yoga training. I came back, I started teaching
9:01
Speaker 1: my own class, and everything just happened very very quickly,
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Speaker 1: and I was. I think I was a little overwhelmed,
9:11
Speaker 1: but I didn't stop to actually recognize how I felt.
9:14
Speaker 1: And that's that's probably what I heard when I re
9:17
Speaker 1: listened to my original episode, was this kind of naivete
9:21
Speaker 1: of not really understanding the weight of what had been
9:26
Speaker 1: put on me and what I was expected to do.
9:30
Speaker 1: And it was a great you know, I sounded really
9:36
Speaker 1: light and airy, and uh, I was really I needed
9:42
Speaker 1: the world to come crashing down for a second to
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Speaker 1: then like recognize where I am now.
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Speaker 2: So when you say what you were expected to do? Yeah,
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Speaker 2: what do you mean by that?
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Speaker 1: I've always struggled with the comparison and looking at what
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Speaker 1: other people are doing, and with social media and being
10:03
Speaker 1: in the New York fitness world, which is a bubble
10:06
Speaker 1: that has now burst a little bit because we've especially
10:09
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, everything has opened up and we've all
10:10
Speaker 1: been connected. I used to think that I because I
10:14
Speaker 1: was so young and I was accomplishing things very early on,
10:18
Speaker 1: I felt the pressure to keep up with that trajectory
10:22
Speaker 1: and that cadence. And so I was twenty three in
10:25
Speaker 1: the youngest Nike Master Trainer ever and then it's like, well,
10:28
Speaker 1: what do you do now right. So there was this
10:31
Speaker 1: little mini voice in my head saying, Okay, the next
10:34
Speaker 1: thing you have to do, the next thing.
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Speaker 2: You have to do better.
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Speaker 1: You have to do better, you have to do better,
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Speaker 1: you have to post this, you have to get this job,
10:39
Speaker 1: you have to you have to right. And it was
10:42
Speaker 1: very fast, and I was overwhelmed with the speed.
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Speaker 2: The speed. So when we last chatted in twenty seventeen,
10:53
Speaker 2: you're kind of in the thick of the speed, right.
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Speaker 2: It's like you said, you're reflecting on it, and it
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Speaker 2: may have come off as light and airy and excited
11:01
Speaker 2: and hopeful, but really, like, deep down at that point,
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Speaker 2: you were already feeling overwhelmed by everything that was going
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Speaker 2: on around you and kind of trying to keep up
11:09
Speaker 2: with yourself. So since twenty seventeen, what would you say
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Speaker 2: career wise? Has probably been one of the biggest pivots.
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Speaker 1: For you, choosing to leave a job where I was
11:21
Speaker 1: unhappy but I was expected to be there. And that
11:25
Speaker 1: really happened when COVID hit. We all get wrapped up
11:31
Speaker 1: with the busy, the glorification of the busy. It's a
11:33
Speaker 1: cool thing to be busy in New York. And then
11:36
Speaker 1: when that stops and things slow down, and you don't
11:38
Speaker 1: have to run to the next appointment or the next
11:40
Speaker 1: client or the next event. You have time to sit
11:43
Speaker 1: down and really look out what you're doing and if
11:45
Speaker 1: you want to do it. And I was still working
11:48
Speaker 1: at Mirror when COVID hit, and that would have been
11:51
Speaker 1: ideal to stay working for a company like that, because
11:53
Speaker 1: it's digital already that it's already digital fitness in people's homes.
11:57
Speaker 1: I wasn't working, that no one was going to the
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Speaker 1: studio and I had felt unfulfilled there for a long time.
12:04
Speaker 1: And it's nothing about the company, something about the other instructors.
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Speaker 1: I love all of them. I love what they're doing.
12:09
Speaker 1: I loved working there, but something felt off for me
12:13
Speaker 1: and I wasn't honoring that before COVID. And then when
12:17
Speaker 1: I was at home, I wasn't working and I was
12:19
Speaker 1: sitting with it, and I still had this kind of
12:22
Speaker 1: nagging sensation of just misalignment with my truth. I knew
12:30
Speaker 1: that I had to leave, and so I actually left
12:32
Speaker 1: my job in the middle of a pandemic, which is wild.
12:35
Speaker 1: A lot of people that that is crazy to leave
12:39
Speaker 1: a well paid job in the middle of a pandemic.
12:42
Speaker 1: But I knew that it wasn't It wasn't right for
12:46
Speaker 1: me anymore, and I still wasn't sure what the next
12:49
Speaker 1: step was. I know that I started to work hard
12:54
Speaker 1: to chase a dream that I had. The dream turned
12:56
Speaker 1: out to look different than it actually is, or that
12:59
Speaker 1: I thought it was, but it's led me to dive
13:04
Speaker 1: deeper into what flown to Strong means. And flown Strong
13:06
Speaker 1: is my personal method of yoga and strength training, and
13:10
Speaker 1: I created that when I came back from Thailand in
13:12
Speaker 1: twenty sixteen, but I never really understood the full meaning
13:16
Speaker 1: behind flown as Strong. I was like, Oh, I'm just
13:17
Speaker 1: putting yoga and strength together and now having the space
13:21
Speaker 1: when I'm not employed by somebody else, being really thrust
13:24
Speaker 1: into full time entrepreneurship, which I know that you know
13:30
Speaker 1: very closely what that feels like.
13:35
Speaker 2: You can really.
13:36
Speaker 1: Create something that's authentic because it's like, oh shit, here
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Speaker 1: I am.
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Speaker 2: It's just me.
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Speaker 1: What's my impact on the world. Instead of waiting for
13:44
Speaker 1: life to come or waiting for another opportunity, It's like,
13:46
Speaker 1: what am I going to contribute to the world? And
13:49
Speaker 1: you have that chance when that space is created.
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Speaker 2: So you know, I have to ask you what the
13:53
Speaker 2: dream job is.
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Speaker 1: Of course, well people can assume what it is, but
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Speaker 1: I'm going to keep that close to me for now.
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Speaker 1: I'm still chasing it, and I believe the universe has
14:06
Speaker 1: a plan. And I also believe in divine timing, and
14:11
Speaker 1: divine timing has shown up in my life many times,
14:14
Speaker 1: not only just in my career, and I've I've witnessed it,
14:17
Speaker 1: I've experienced it. So I trust that, and I guess
14:20
Speaker 1: we'll all find out what that dream is one day, hopefully, hopefully.
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Speaker 2: Okay, So you make the decision to walk away from Mirror,
14:28
Speaker 2: and during this pandemic, when a lot of us I
14:34
Speaker 2: can certainly vouch for this, started to find a little
14:37
Speaker 2: bit of extra joy in routine. You were completely out
14:42
Speaker 2: of what your routine had been for so long without
14:46
Speaker 2: a job, necessarily, how do you start to find any
14:52
Speaker 2: semblance of balance for yourself.
14:55
Speaker 1: So I'm just starting to find that balance as COVID
14:59
Speaker 1: kind of this whole year is starting to lessen. My
15:05
Speaker 1: balance now is recreating a schedule for myself and working
15:09
Speaker 1: with clients and creating my app, which we can talk
15:12
Speaker 1: about my second But I do want to honor the
15:15
Speaker 1: fact that for the entire year. My entire routine was gone.
15:24
Speaker 1: I also was in a relationship that was holding on
15:28
Speaker 1: by a thread, trapped in an apartment. And I hate
15:32
Speaker 1: using the word trapped, because I was safe and grateful
15:36
Speaker 1: to be in a beautiful apartment for that year. But
15:41
Speaker 1: I felt trapped. I felt trapped in emptiness. I felt
15:46
Speaker 1: ashamed because I had left a job and then I
15:51
Speaker 1: had nothing, and my whole life just all of those
15:55
Speaker 1: labels that I thought that I had, that I thought
15:59
Speaker 1: made me who I was. We're gone, my career, my relationship,
16:04
Speaker 1: we weren't seeing friends. I wasn't even able, I mean
16:06
Speaker 1: allus felt this. I wasn't even able to go to
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Speaker 1: a gym or a yoga studio, that place of solace,
16:11
Speaker 1: you know, and not the gem solace. I love solace,
16:14
Speaker 1: but the solace of having community was gone. And so
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Speaker 1: I really spiraled and I lost myself. And I was
16:24
Speaker 1: also living with somebody who was thriving during the pandemic,
16:28
Speaker 1: and it was very hard to then compare yourself to
16:30
Speaker 1: your partner and feel inadequate, just as a human.
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Speaker 2: I can imagine for the reasons that we spoke about
16:38
Speaker 2: earlier about titles and leveling up and what am I
16:40
Speaker 2: going to do next? That that would just start to
16:43
Speaker 2: feel really overwhelming as you're trying to find your footing
16:47
Speaker 2: and feeling continuously like you're just kind of climbing up
16:51
Speaker 2: a hill that has mud on it one percent.
16:53
Speaker 1: And it has nothing to do with him acting a
16:56
Speaker 1: certain way or saying things. It's just being in that
16:59
Speaker 1: situation and also being really happy for somebody who's succeeding
17:03
Speaker 1: while you're really confused with your own life, and at
17:08
Speaker 1: a time when everybody is confused, and I take on
17:13
Speaker 1: what other people are feeling. I am an EmPATH, and
17:16
Speaker 1: so you know, last year was just emotionally charged and
17:21
Speaker 1: it was It was intense and probably the hardest.
17:25
Speaker 2: Year of all of our lives.
17:27
Speaker 1: We are transforming, we are being reborn, like there is
17:32
Speaker 1: this feeling of rebirth and I am I think differently,
17:36
Speaker 1: I speak differently, I feel differently because I do think
17:41
Speaker 1: coming out of pain.
17:45
Speaker 2: Creates strength.
17:47
Speaker 1: Like I've always been obsessed with this idea of getting strong.
17:51
Speaker 1: My first book is called Get Strong. My brand is
17:55
Speaker 1: Flow into Strong. Being strong for me has always been
18:00
Speaker 1: and the goal, but I never realized it's just the
18:03
Speaker 1: it's just being like you are strong we are strong
18:06
Speaker 1: because we're here are I'm very spiritual and I've gotten
18:11
Speaker 1: more spiritual throughout this whole process and not this whole year,
18:14
Speaker 1: but knowing that, you know, our soul chooses our life
18:19
Speaker 1: for a reason, like we choose this path and these
18:23
Speaker 1: hardships and these joys because we know that we can
18:28
Speaker 1: do it and that we are strong enough. And so
18:32
Speaker 1: always reminding myself that I don't have to find my
18:35
Speaker 1: strong but just being my strong and that's what flowing
18:38
Speaker 1: is strong, is flow into it.
18:41
Speaker 2: And understanding of course that strength is just so much
18:44
Speaker 2: more than obviously picking up a dumb bell.
18:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a good outlet and it's a it's
18:52
Speaker 1: a very quick reminder that you are strong, like you
18:55
Speaker 1: can physically feel it, and then there's an emotional aspect
18:58
Speaker 1: of like, yeah, I did that, you know, and then
19:01
Speaker 1: you can realize, oh, I can do other things too
19:04
Speaker 1: that might intimidate me. It doesn't have to be a barbell.
19:08
Speaker 1: It's just anything that is resistance. It is extra load,
19:13
Speaker 1: like you can handle it. I'm so glad that the
19:17
Speaker 1: universe gave me all of this extra resistance the past
19:20
Speaker 1: year because I realized I didn't get stronger I just
19:24
Speaker 1: it made me seem my strong, and I don't think
19:27
Speaker 1: anybody has to get stronger. All of these physical outlets running, cycling,
19:32
Speaker 1: lifting weights, yoga, they're just uncovering the strong that's already
19:36
Speaker 1: in you.
19:43
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21:34
Speaker 2: don't love it, you get your money back, no questions asked.
21:47
Speaker 2: And I also think it's worth giving you a little
21:51
Speaker 2: bit of credit, because getting out of a relationship at
21:55
Speaker 2: any time is difficult, whether you know that, like it is,
22:00
Speaker 2: like this needs to happen, whether you're the person that
22:04
Speaker 2: is ending it or you're the person that's on the
22:06
Speaker 2: receiving side. However it happens, it's hard, right so to
22:11
Speaker 2: happen during COVID, something that I know that some of
22:14
Speaker 2: the people listening to this episode went through as well.
22:16
Speaker 2: It's hell, it's hella difficult.
22:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I know that there are a lot of
22:20
Speaker 1: people that held onto relationships because of COVID because they
22:23
Speaker 1: were they didn't want to be alone, they didn't want
22:25
Speaker 1: to quarantine alone. And when I think about what people
22:28
Speaker 1: went through this year, and you know, losing loved ones, relationships,
22:33
Speaker 1: changing jobs, homes on top of this massive stress of
22:38
Speaker 1: a virus and not knowing when we're getting out, and
22:45
Speaker 1: it's wild. And I'm so glad that people are now
22:49
Speaker 1: talking more about therapy. I've always been really open about
22:52
Speaker 1: mental health and I've struggled with depression anxiety for a
22:54
Speaker 1: long time. But it's normal now, Like it's weird if
22:58
Speaker 1: you don't haven't talk to a therapist, or it's weird
23:01
Speaker 1: if you haven't discussed mental health in some way, and
23:03
Speaker 1: I think that's a beautiful thing.
23:05
Speaker 2: I'm so glad because we talk so.
23:06
Speaker 1: Much about our physical health, we talk so much about
23:10
Speaker 1: having trainers and taking group fitness classes. It's like, why
23:14
Speaker 1: are we not all talking to somebody about life, what
23:18
Speaker 1: it means to be in this human experience. And now
23:21
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm glad that people are opening up about
23:23
Speaker 1: their mental health and are asking questions because it's super important.
23:26
Speaker 2: How long have you been working with a therapist and
23:31
Speaker 2: not specifically the same therapist?
23:34
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I don't remember a time when I didn't
23:37
Speaker 1: have a therapist, and that's because my parents split when
23:40
Speaker 1: I was around three years old. This might be incorrect,
23:44
Speaker 1: and if a family member hears it and says that
23:45
Speaker 1: it's wrong, I'm just going off of what I assume.
23:49
Speaker 1: I must have been around eight or nine when I
23:51
Speaker 1: was court ordered to go speak to somebody, and originally
23:55
Speaker 1: I didn't want anything to do with a therapist because
23:57
Speaker 1: I was like, this is a stranger and they don't
24:01
Speaker 1: know me. And I actually I cycled through a lot
24:04
Speaker 1: of different doctors and never really found somebody that I
24:07
Speaker 1: felt comfortable with until until my young adulthood in after college,
24:14
Speaker 1: So there was a big period of time in college
24:16
Speaker 1: where I didn't talk to a therapist. But I've been
24:20
Speaker 1: in that cycle for a long time.
24:21
Speaker 2: I think it's difficult when it comes to therapy sometimes
24:25
Speaker 2: because although now thankfully there are more and more mental
24:28
Speaker 2: health resources out there available to everyone, therapy to an extent,
24:33
Speaker 2: if you don't have the financial resources for it can
24:36
Speaker 2: be something that feels completely out of the question, you
24:39
Speaker 2: know what I mean. Like for me specifically, I can
24:41
Speaker 2: say that that was a barrier to entry for me
24:44
Speaker 2: for a really long time. For therapy. It was like,
24:46
Speaker 2: especially after becoming an entrepreneur, it was like, so this month,
24:49
Speaker 2: am I going to pay four and fifty dollars for
24:51
Speaker 2: my health insurance and then pay out a pocket to
24:54
Speaker 2: go see a therapist? Or how am I going to
24:57
Speaker 2: make this work? And then you start to have this
24:59
Speaker 2: comfort with yourself it's like you want to prioritize it,
25:02
Speaker 2: you want to do this thing. But for me, I
25:04
Speaker 2: mean just money, forever it was just the biggest barrier
25:07
Speaker 2: to entry. Yeah, I think that's a.
25:08
Speaker 1: Big problem, and that's a problem with the health insurance
25:12
Speaker 1: industry totally. But there are resources that don't require you
25:16
Speaker 1: to pay anything. The anonymous groups, the support groups are incredible,
25:22
Speaker 1: and it's not just for alcoholics or their substance abuse.
25:26
Speaker 1: It's also Emotions anonymous or Emotions addict cod codependence anonymous,
25:32
Speaker 1: and those are great for building community. But I think
25:36
Speaker 1: that there are a few companies that are starting to
25:38
Speaker 1: create less expensive options, Like you know, speaking to a
25:43
Speaker 1: social worker versus a psychologist is immediately going to be cheaper.
25:49
Speaker 1: But then there's a company called Frame that I was
25:51
Speaker 1: talking to and I don't work for them, but it's
25:54
Speaker 1: just nice mentioning it here anyway in case somebody hears it.
25:57
Speaker 1: I know that they're a little bit on the manageable
26:00
Speaker 1: in terms of finance finances. And you get to chat
26:04
Speaker 1: with different therapists and see who you like.
26:08
Speaker 2: So is that a text app or a FaceTime situation?
26:11
Speaker 1: So it's a FaceTime, but you it's an app and
26:13
Speaker 1: you connect with certain therapists. I think you do like
26:16
Speaker 1: a fifteen minute mini speed date, you see if you
26:19
Speaker 1: like them, and then you move forward with that an
26:21
Speaker 1: actual scheduled time to do therapy.
26:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think what's great, especially as time goes on,
26:26
Speaker 2: is there are different ways to access therapy from like
26:30
Speaker 2: a communication point of view, right, So there's like tech space,
26:33
Speaker 2: like talk space, if that's like something that you could
26:35
Speaker 2: be into, or there's like these FaceTime and digital options,
26:38
Speaker 2: especially in the era of COVID, and then you know,
26:40
Speaker 2: connecting with a licensed therapist and you're a licensed mental
26:43
Speaker 2: health counselor in your area, like at least now there
26:45
Speaker 2: are so many different pathways and avenues to get help,
26:49
Speaker 2: which I think is really great. So on January thirtieth,
26:56
Speaker 2: you on Instagram posted one month post treatment. That's where
27:02
Speaker 2: I was in December. I checked in to a mental
27:05
Speaker 2: health facility. So we're talking about mental health. We talked
27:09
Speaker 2: about what was going on for you during at least,
27:13
Speaker 2: I would say, the first half of COVID. Talk to
27:17
Speaker 2: me about how you got to the point where you
27:22
Speaker 2: decided that you should go to a mental health facility. Yeah.
27:28
Speaker 1: So I went on like a little Instagram break in December,
27:31
Speaker 1: and I posted about it, and I didn't tell anyone
27:35
Speaker 1: where I was going. I knew I needed a break,
27:38
Speaker 1: but I went to California to a mental health treatment
27:42
Speaker 1: facility as a hospital, and I think it was a
27:45
Speaker 1: long time coming. I don't want to point fingers at
27:49
Speaker 1: anything that happened in my life. I don't want to
27:50
Speaker 1: say it was my breakup, or it was a job
27:53
Speaker 1: loss or COVID in general. I I think it was
27:56
Speaker 1: ready to have some deeper levels of care. And I'm
28:02
Speaker 1: grateful that I already have a platform to be able
28:04
Speaker 1: to share it and share this experience, because it's so
28:08
Speaker 1: taboo going to hospitals and going in patient for treatment,
28:11
Speaker 1: even outpatient, like a deep, more intensive care, and I
28:16
Speaker 1: didn't even know what it was like. I was terrified,
28:18
Speaker 1: and I knew that I needed something more intensive for
28:21
Speaker 1: a long time, but I was always afraid because you
28:24
Speaker 1: see one flew over the cuckoo's nest or girl interrupted,
28:27
Speaker 1: and you assume that's what all these hospitals are like,
28:30
Speaker 1: or you assume that it's like the psychiatric ward in
28:32
Speaker 1: an actual hospital, which is a hospital. It's white gowns
28:37
Speaker 1: and it's you know, white beds, and that's not what
28:41
Speaker 1: inpatient treatment centers are. And so once I could wrap
28:45
Speaker 1: my head around that, which didn't happen until I was there,
28:48
Speaker 1: then I could share that.
28:50
Speaker 2: When did you even first research doing something like this?
28:56
Speaker 1: So I was having massive panic attacks in November October
29:02
Speaker 1: my partner moved out of the apartment at the end
29:05
Speaker 1: of September, and I had found myself completely alone for
29:08
Speaker 1: the first time in years, not having anywhere to go,
29:14
Speaker 1: no job, and my panic attacks were It wasn't just
29:22
Speaker 1: like I'm going to cry and sit in the corner.
29:27
Speaker 1: It was like I was breaking things in the apartment.
29:31
Speaker 1: I was punching myself. I had bruises. And the scariest
29:36
Speaker 1: part is I would start to leave the apartment in
29:38
Speaker 1: the middle of the night because I couldn't be there,
29:41
Speaker 1: and so I would like walk all the way to
29:44
Speaker 1: the river. I live in Chelsea, so I'd walk all
29:47
Speaker 1: the way to the west side at like one two am.
29:51
Speaker 1: I was very suicidal and I had had I've had
29:54
Speaker 1: suicide ideation for a long time when we did our
29:57
Speaker 1: original podcast. Those are thoughts that were in my head,
29:59
Speaker 1: but they weren't they weren't as loud as they were now.
30:03
Speaker 1: And I had a plan and I had intent, and
30:06
Speaker 1: I was planning. I was making sure that I had
30:09
Speaker 1: all the supplies I needed, and I was starting to
30:11
Speaker 1: write letters, and I was really ready to leave.
30:15
Speaker 2: And I had had a.
30:18
Speaker 1: Very spiritual experience in February of twenty twenty with psychedelics,
30:24
Speaker 1: and I'm all for psychedelic therapy in terms of treatment.
30:28
Speaker 1: And I had done a ceremony and this was before
30:31
Speaker 1: COVID and it was before I was really looking at
30:33
Speaker 1: my mental health. But I was really grateful to have
30:36
Speaker 1: this experience and I was catapulted out of myself into
30:41
Speaker 1: a rainbow. Which and if I say that and you've
30:44
Speaker 1: done psychedelics, you understand that feeling. But that's what I thought.
30:47
Speaker 2: The other side was.
30:49
Speaker 1: So for every time I would have these thoughts and
30:53
Speaker 1: I was planning, I was just like, I'm going to
30:55
Speaker 1: the rainbow. And if you follow me on Instagram, I
30:58
Speaker 1: am very much obsessed with my engagement ring is now
31:02
Speaker 1: I wear a rainbow wedding band and it's because I
31:05
Speaker 1: was just I've wanted to go to the rainbow. So
31:09
Speaker 1: the moment where it was like time to go to treatment,
31:15
Speaker 1: my doctors, I had a team of doctor, a psychiatrist, psychologist, acupuncturists,
31:19
Speaker 1: you know, ex partner dad. They were all saying it's
31:24
Speaker 1: time to go to treatment, and I wasn't ready. And
31:26
Speaker 1: you can push somebody and you can say it for
31:29
Speaker 1: months and they're not going to want to go.
31:30
Speaker 2: And there was.
31:33
Speaker 1: There was just a moment in November where I was
31:36
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't do this anymore, and I'm
31:39
Speaker 1: and I was too scared to find out if it
31:41
Speaker 1: was actually a rainbow on the other side, Like I
31:43
Speaker 1: wanted to go there, but I wasn't sure. And I
31:47
Speaker 1: my psychiatrist said to me one day, he was like,
31:49
Speaker 1: what if it's not a rainbow, then you're screwed, Like
31:53
Speaker 1: then you're done, game over. And I was like, that's yeah,
31:57
Speaker 1: I don't want to know. If it's not I'd rather
31:59
Speaker 1: have the rain bo here, And so started researching facilities.
32:05
Speaker 1: I will say from a financial standpoint, it is expensive
32:10
Speaker 1: no matter where you go. These treatment centers are really expensive.
32:15
Speaker 1: But it was so worth it no matter how much
32:17
Speaker 1: money I spent, like I I wouldn't be talking to
32:22
Speaker 1: you right now if I hadn't gone. And I found
32:26
Speaker 1: friends there. I oh one friend because I actually ended
32:29
Speaker 1: up being completely alone over the last two weeks of
32:32
Speaker 1: my treatment, which is I was mentioning universe moments before.
32:37
Speaker 1: My biggest fear is being alone. And I went to
32:40
Speaker 1: treatment in the middle of a pandemic, and it was
32:43
Speaker 1: also Christmas and New Year's so not many people were
32:46
Speaker 1: in the treatment center, and so for the first two
32:49
Speaker 1: weeks I had a friend, and then the last two
32:50
Speaker 1: weeks I was completely by myself and I was just
32:53
Speaker 1: I looked up and I was like, to the universe,
32:55
Speaker 1: you wanted to teach me that I can be alone.
32:58
Speaker 1: Here we are, So yeah, that was the moment, was
33:02
Speaker 1: you know, I was just done with my own bullshit.
33:04
Speaker 2: I was scared.
33:07
Speaker 1: And I like life too much, and I like I
33:11
Speaker 1: love life. I just didn't like that life. I didn't
33:15
Speaker 1: I wasn't in love with who I was anymore. I
33:19
Speaker 1: used to sit in the apartment just be like I
33:21
Speaker 1: miss me, I miss my life. I miss Alex, Like
33:25
Speaker 1: where is Alex? And I couldn't find her and so
33:29
Speaker 1: but I found her again at treatment. But she's very different.
33:32
Speaker 2: She's very different. Yeah, well, thank you for sharing that.
33:36
Speaker 1: Sure, I.
33:39
Speaker 2: Try to think about what it could have been like
33:44
Speaker 2: walking across you know, twentieth Street toward the river at
33:52
Speaker 2: one am, and like I could cry thinking about being
33:55
Speaker 2: in that place. So yeah, I am grateful that you
34:03
Speaker 2: had people like your father, like your psychiatrist, who you
34:12
Speaker 2: could talk to about this in a time where being
34:18
Speaker 2: a public person must have felt just like you were drowning.
34:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I felt like I was living up
34:28
Speaker 1: to expectations of my relationship too.
34:31
Speaker 2: It's very public.
34:32
Speaker 1: I also want to credit him for my ex for
34:36
Speaker 1: saving my life. And you know, someone did get me
34:41
Speaker 1: when I was on the street, so I'm grateful and
34:48
Speaker 1: I was. It's like, you can even go back to
34:52
Speaker 1: my Instagram and look up photos from that fall. November October,
34:57
Speaker 1: those are the two big months tobernavor going backwards, and
35:03
Speaker 1: I'm posting as if all's good, I'm going on hikes
35:06
Speaker 1: like and I think it's important to say that and
35:12
Speaker 1: then and then invite you to go look at those
35:15
Speaker 1: photos because your friend could be hurting. They might not
35:19
Speaker 1: be talking about it, or they might be afraid to
35:21
Speaker 1: talk about it because they don't want to lose you.
35:23
Speaker 1: I've had friends, I've lost friends because they don't want me.
35:27
Speaker 1: They don't want to have sad friends. Someone said that
35:30
Speaker 1: to me, and I can't imagine somebody else hurting right
35:36
Speaker 1: now after this massively life shattering year, sitting there and
35:44
Speaker 1: trying to find trying to find support and love, and
35:48
Speaker 1: having someone say I don't I can't handle your sadness
35:52
Speaker 1: because I'm dealing with my shit, and it's we have
35:56
Speaker 1: to just have love and empathy and be able to
35:59
Speaker 1: sit and listen to some because I don't want anyone
36:02
Speaker 1: to try to go to the rainbow before they're ready,
36:04
Speaker 1: and I don't want anyone to try to wonder what
36:06
Speaker 1: it's like on that other side, like make your rainbow here.
36:10
Speaker 1: We have the ability to make that life that we
36:14
Speaker 1: want if we are open to surrendering to the shit
36:18
Speaker 1: that's hard, right, Like for me sitting in my apartment
36:21
Speaker 1: alone after two and a half years not being alone
36:25
Speaker 1: and then not having my usual routine that was that
36:29
Speaker 1: was tremendously scary. But I had to sit in that
36:33
Speaker 1: to then continue to create the life that I wanted
36:36
Speaker 1: instead of sitting in it and saying this is wrong,
36:38
Speaker 1: Like if there's nothing wrong about it, I just wasn't
36:41
Speaker 1: used to it, and a lot of us aren't used
36:44
Speaker 1: to grief. We're not used to change.
36:45
Speaker 2: And I.
36:47
Speaker 1: Really I've been trying to figure out a way to
36:49
Speaker 1: describe this on Instagram. But trauma is not necessarily always
36:54
Speaker 1: a bad experience, right, So it's we think of it
36:57
Speaker 1: as a plane crash or a car crash or a death.
37:01
Speaker 1: Trauma is change, period, a move what you and I
37:05
Speaker 1: are both about to do. We're about to move apartments.
37:07
Speaker 1: That's traumatic to our nervous system. And we don't go
37:11
Speaker 1: around and talk about trauma. And if we don't talk
37:14
Speaker 1: about grief moving through it, we just say, oh, I
37:16
Speaker 1: just take your time, or everything will get better, or
37:18
Speaker 1: you'll be fine, or you cover it up. Why are
37:22
Speaker 1: we covering things up? Like that's just what I'm not
37:24
Speaker 1: into And Instagram is a cover up and it was
37:28
Speaker 1: for me, so I uh, just I guess to bring
37:32
Speaker 1: that back around, It's like your friend might be covering
37:34
Speaker 1: something up with their pretty Instagram post or with their
37:39
Speaker 1: story that they have to tell you. And I someone
37:43
Speaker 1: I love dearly posted recently instead of asking how are you?
37:47
Speaker 1: Asking are you happy? You don't have to be happy?
37:51
Speaker 1: Right The answer doesn't have to be yes, but at
37:54
Speaker 1: least someone's asking you the question and they're interested.
37:59
Speaker 2: I love to double click on what you were talking
38:02
Speaker 2: about when it comes to having compassion for friends while
38:08
Speaker 2: understanding and also respecting your boundaries, because I do agree
38:14
Speaker 2: with you, I don't think anyone deserves to be ousted.
38:20
Speaker 2: I also do recognize that there were probably times in
38:24
Speaker 2: your journey where you needed to do things for you right,
38:28
Speaker 2: especially with everything that you were going through. So I
38:30
Speaker 2: do think that there's a balance might be the wrong
38:35
Speaker 2: word here, but you can kind of do both. We
38:39
Speaker 2: are in charge of our own boundaries and we have
38:43
Speaker 2: the opportunity to exercise them, but it is also up
38:46
Speaker 2: to us to do so with compassion and respect and
38:52
Speaker 2: decency and whatnot. Because I'm sure you get a lot
38:54
Speaker 2: of these messages as well, people asking about female friendships
38:59
Speaker 2: and about boundaries and how do I deal with X
39:02
Speaker 2: or Y? You know what I'm saying, Yeah, I mean
39:05
Speaker 2: boundaries and expectations like number one when it comes to
39:08
Speaker 2: human connection and relationship. And we're not taught this ever
39:14
Speaker 2: to understand what you can handle and what you expect
39:17
Speaker 2: from other people. And so when you set the boundaries
39:21
Speaker 2: and expectations, then it's easier to go about that relationship.
39:23
Speaker 2: And so when I was mentioning a friend saying that
39:27
Speaker 2: they couldn't handle my sadness, we had already made a
39:31
Speaker 2: boundary and expectation before, so I was very thrown off.
39:35
Speaker 2: But when you you know, I think family. No one
39:38
Speaker 2: talks about the relationships with family, and it's actually the
39:41
Speaker 2: hardest to maintain. I think that's in therapy. That's probably
39:46
Speaker 2: like one of the number one conversations that you have.
39:49
Speaker 2: Setting those with your family members is important, and then
39:52
Speaker 2: with your friends. But the only way you learn your
39:55
Speaker 2: boundaries is by exploring, by asking questions something and also
40:02
Speaker 2: being honest with yourself what feels good, what doesn't feel good,
40:06
Speaker 2: and not living to somebody else's expectations. But there's nothing
40:11
Speaker 2: wrong with saying to somebody, hey, i'd love to talk
40:18
Speaker 2: to you about this.
40:18
Speaker 1: Are you comfortable with that? And if they're not, that's okay.
40:22
Speaker 1: You can and you don't have to take it personally,
40:25
Speaker 1: right the four agreements don't take anything personally. Sometimes people
40:28
Speaker 1: are just honoring themselves. But I think it's important also
40:34
Speaker 1: when you receive something to say, this is not in
40:39
Speaker 1: my I'm not capable of handling this. How can I
40:42
Speaker 1: help you in another way? And you mentioned getting messages.
40:49
Speaker 1: I get a lot of messages. I got a lot
40:50
Speaker 1: of very very long messages. And one of my boundaries
40:55
Speaker 1: is it's difficult to read all of those because I
41:00
Speaker 1: feel like I want to then write another essay back,
41:03
Speaker 1: and that's just not it's not possible in terms of time.
41:07
Speaker 1: But it's also emotionally not healthy. It's just not healthy.
41:11
Speaker 1: So being able to then say, hey, I really respect
41:14
Speaker 1: that you've sent this to me. I hear you the
41:17
Speaker 1: end should be enough. But you know, once you set
41:20
Speaker 1: your boundaries and expectations, if the other person can't respect them,
41:25
Speaker 1: it's not on you anymore.
41:27
Speaker 2: It's not it's totally not, not at all. I'm going
41:31
Speaker 2: to rope us back around to going to the treatment center.
41:34
Speaker 2: So it's interesting because completely different experience. But something that
41:40
Speaker 2: I was frightened of forever, aside from what I was
41:43
Speaker 2: doing for work, was traveling alone. I dealt with a
41:49
Speaker 2: breakup that was really difficult at the end of twenty seventeen,
41:53
Speaker 2: and I got tired of waiting for a companion to
41:56
Speaker 2: take on the world with, and so I made the
42:00
Speaker 2: huge decision, which was to go on a trip to Italy.
42:04
Speaker 2: Very different than making the decision to go check yourself
42:08
Speaker 2: into a mental health facility. But I remember leading up
42:13
Speaker 2: to the day that I was going to get in
42:15
Speaker 2: the uber and go to the airport that I was
42:16
Speaker 2: so scared of the day that I was going to
42:18
Speaker 2: get in the uber and go to the airport because
42:21
Speaker 2: I thought it was going to ruin me. I thought
42:23
Speaker 2: it was going to bring everything around. I was going
42:27
Speaker 2: to cry the entire time I was in Italy. All
42:29
Speaker 2: of that. So talk to me about getting in the
42:33
Speaker 2: car and going to the airport.
42:35
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that. I also want to say,
42:37
Speaker 1: you started hurdle right after that, that breakup, so you
42:41
Speaker 1: know you you stepped into your purpose. And I'm very
42:45
Speaker 1: grateful to be sitting here and to know that that's
42:48
Speaker 1: what happened after And I'm very proud of you for
42:50
Speaker 1: getting in the car and going on your trip. And
42:53
Speaker 1: it was a beautiful trip, very different trip than your trip.
42:56
Speaker 2: It was different. I did not want it to help me.
42:57
Speaker 2: No more instant intie, no.
43:00
Speaker 1: No, no. My trip was beautiful. Yeah, I was very scared.
43:05
Speaker 1: So I booked my flights and I booked the treatment center,
43:10
Speaker 1: and then I had a week before I left, and
43:13
Speaker 1: this Thanksgiving was in that week and I spent Thanksgiving alone,
43:16
Speaker 1: which was that was really hard for me. Thanksgiving has
43:19
Speaker 1: been my favorite holiday for years. Getting in the car.
43:25
Speaker 1: One of the hardest parts about going to treatment was
43:28
Speaker 1: leaving my dog Collies taking a nap next to me.
43:32
Speaker 1: Right now, she doesn't leave my side, and I'm fairly
43:35
Speaker 1: certain she's my soulmate. I didn't know how I was
43:39
Speaker 1: going to get through thirty days without her, and so
43:47
Speaker 1: that was one of the biggest fears. The other fear
43:51
Speaker 1: was that I'd be with quote unquote crazy people, which
43:55
Speaker 1: is wild because we are all dealing with something. If
44:00
Speaker 1: we're on this, we're living and breathing. I was scared
44:03
Speaker 1: of me the crazy people, which doesn't have that's not
44:05
Speaker 1: what it is at all, and I don't like that term,
44:08
Speaker 1: and I don't like that I thought of it, and
44:10
Speaker 1: I was. I was also scared of having to take
44:15
Speaker 1: hold of the reins when I got back, So it
44:18
Speaker 1: wasn't necessarily being there. It was that I had already
44:21
Speaker 1: made the choice that I'm done with being depressed, anxious, panicked, suicidal.
44:29
Speaker 1: I'm done with that. I was so afraid of what
44:33
Speaker 1: was on the other side, and the other side was
44:34
Speaker 1: I had to go through treatment to get there, and
44:37
Speaker 1: so being in treatment was actually amazing. I was safe,
44:44
Speaker 1: there was always someone in the office if I needed
44:47
Speaker 1: someone in the middle of the night, I had people
44:52
Speaker 1: to talk to, my therapists all day, and I also
44:55
Speaker 1: had space, and it felt like a true life pause.
45:00
Speaker 1: And I'm sure, for a lot of people, the pandemic
45:02
Speaker 1: might have felt like a life pause, but we were
45:04
Speaker 1: still going through our day and trying to get it
45:06
Speaker 1: was like a groundhog day. Treatment was like, I don't
45:11
Speaker 1: exist in this world right now. I'm not posting on
45:13
Speaker 1: social I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm purely
45:17
Speaker 1: here to work through my demons and to be a
45:19
Speaker 1: better person. And so I loved being in treatment. I
45:25
Speaker 1: wish I could be there all the time. I still
45:27
Speaker 1: talk to the same therapist that I had when I
45:29
Speaker 1: was there, and I'll be like.
45:31
Speaker 2: I just want to come back. Can I just hang out?
45:33
Speaker 2: I just want to be there.
45:36
Speaker 1: But that's not the work. I think people think treatment
45:39
Speaker 1: or impatient or outpatient is the work. The work is after.
45:41
Speaker 1: It's what do you do once you've been there. And
45:45
Speaker 1: so when I came back, I launched an app and
45:48
Speaker 1: I didn't really think about the timing of this. I
45:53
Speaker 1: had planned to launch Valentine's Day because it wanted. I
45:56
Speaker 1: wanted it to be a loving gift to myself and
45:58
Speaker 1: to everybody. I didn't really give myself enough time after treatment,
46:02
Speaker 1: and so I came back and I just went go,
46:05
Speaker 1: go go, and I actually turned back into the girl
46:10
Speaker 1: that was pre pandemic, that was like, I just need
46:13
Speaker 1: to work and that's what's going to fix all the pain.
46:16
Speaker 1: And I very quickly crashed. And when I put my
46:20
Speaker 1: post up in January thirtieth, when I wanted to tell
46:22
Speaker 1: the world where I was, it was because that day
46:25
Speaker 1: I had come back from walking Collie and I crashed
46:28
Speaker 1: in the middle of the apartment and I was in
46:30
Speaker 1: hysterics and I was like, I feel the same, but
46:33
Speaker 1: I'm doing more and this is not right. And I
46:37
Speaker 1: needed to slow down and recognize that I don't have
46:46
Speaker 1: to work. I mean, we should work, and my purpose
46:49
Speaker 1: on this planet is to teach. I'm very aware of that,
46:53
Speaker 1: but that's not what makes me lovable or worthy. And
46:58
Speaker 1: so I slowed down that cadence of filming or posting
47:04
Speaker 1: and took more time to breathe, to meditate. It helped
47:07
Speaker 1: me learn that I wasn't in my apartment before I
47:11
Speaker 1: went to treatment on the floor crying, breaking things, walking
47:15
Speaker 1: into the streets in the middle of the night because
47:17
Speaker 1: I was alone, and because I didn't have a job,
47:19
Speaker 1: and because I didn't have my friends living in this
47:22
Speaker 1: city anymore. I was sitting there because I wasn't talking
47:26
Speaker 1: to the high school Alex that needed love. And she
47:30
Speaker 1: learned that the only way that you're worthy is if
47:34
Speaker 1: you get this role in the play, or if the
47:37
Speaker 1: cool kids invite you to the party, or if the
47:39
Speaker 1: guy asks you out. That's the Alex that needed to
47:43
Speaker 1: be given some love. I didn't need a career. I
47:47
Speaker 1: didn't need a partner, I didn't need a fiance. I
47:49
Speaker 1: didn't need any of those things. And once you learn that,
47:54
Speaker 1: then you can start to heal. And so when I
47:57
Speaker 1: came back from treatment and I realized, all I said
48:00
Speaker 1: started to do is fill those labels back up, Like
48:02
Speaker 1: I'm going to have an app and I'm going to
48:04
Speaker 1: train all these clients and I'm going to now be
48:06
Speaker 1: a fitness model again, signed with another agency. I was
48:09
Speaker 1: just trying to put band aids on the wound instead
48:12
Speaker 1: of like really let it air and heal. And so
48:17
Speaker 1: that's what I was afraid of.
48:19
Speaker 2: I was afraid.
48:20
Speaker 1: I was afraid of sitting with myself and not having
48:23
Speaker 1: a job and not having anywhere to go. That's terrifying.
48:29
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that anybody that you need to sit
48:32
Speaker 1: alone and be a hermit, but you have to be
48:35
Speaker 1: okay with being by yourself. And I will say, out
48:39
Speaker 1: of any of the people that I know in my life, Emily,
48:41
Speaker 1: you are a beautiful example and an inspiration of someone
48:45
Speaker 1: who has learned how to love themselves and be okay alone.
48:50
Speaker 1: And it's why your life is so full, and that's
48:54
Speaker 1: what people I hope can start to reach for.
49:00
Speaker 2: Thank you. I think it's interesting, right, It's interesting. It's
49:07
Speaker 2: interesting because you ask yourself like, is that something that
49:14
Speaker 2: I want to be recognized for? Like do I want
49:18
Speaker 2: to be recognized by my friends and family as the
49:23
Speaker 2: person like, Oh, she's good alone, She's fine. I agree
49:27
Speaker 2: with you. I feel really comfortable spending time by myself.
49:33
Speaker 2: I didn't always feel this way shout out to that
49:36
Speaker 2: Italy trip. But I think that sometimes because I'm the
49:42
Speaker 2: person that's good by myself, that when I feel as
49:46
Speaker 2: though I want someone, or I feel as though, like, man,
49:50
Speaker 2: it would be so damn great to be sitting on
49:52
Speaker 2: this couch next to someone else for the first Sunday
49:55
Speaker 2: night and months, that it exacerbates the feelings of loneliness.
50:04
Speaker 1: Sometimes I felt that way, and I also wasn't alone,
50:09
Speaker 1: and that's that's something to recognize like you can feel
50:13
Speaker 1: alone when you're with somebody because you're not good with yourself.
50:18
Speaker 1: It had nothing to do with someone around me. Yeah,
50:22
Speaker 1: and so I'm yes, you are good alone, but that
50:26
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you are like should be alone, right
50:29
Speaker 1: or will be alone. It's just this beautiful self awareness
50:34
Speaker 1: and it's self love to just be like, I am good.
50:40
Speaker 1: I don't need anybody to tell me I am. I
50:42
Speaker 1: don't need to be with somebody. We all want to
50:45
Speaker 1: be with people like we are humans.
50:46
Speaker 2: You know. It makes me feel like a little messed
50:49
Speaker 2: up that my love language is words of affirmation. I
50:54
Speaker 2: recently dated someone who did not want to indulge me
50:57
Speaker 2: in my love language, and I was like, this is
50:59
Speaker 2: not going to work for me.
51:00
Speaker 1: Did you hear that? Apparently your love language is what
51:04
Speaker 1: you didn't get as a child.
51:06
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, parents, I know I was. I got a
51:10
Speaker 2: lot of great love as a child, but I mean,
51:13
Speaker 2: my parents are divorced, so no shade mom and dad,
51:18
Speaker 2: but parents are divorced. Went through a lot, spending a
51:22
Speaker 2: lot of time by myself from my mid to late teens,
51:25
Speaker 2: and I'm sure that because of that, I was always
51:28
Speaker 2: just looking for someone to tell me that I was
51:30
Speaker 2: doing a good job totally. You know. I remember as
51:33
Speaker 2: soon as I got my driver's license, my car became
51:36
Speaker 2: my sanctuary because with my car, I was like, truly
51:40
Speaker 2: I was good. Like it was like, you can do
51:42
Speaker 2: you don't need anybody. You can get to school, you
51:45
Speaker 2: can go to musical practice, you can like go to
51:48
Speaker 2: youth group. Like, wow, I just painted a picture of
51:51
Speaker 2: an excellent, thriving, popular teenager. But I could do all
51:56
Speaker 2: these things on my own and I didn't need I
51:58
Speaker 2: felt as though physically I didn't need anybody. But really,
52:04
Speaker 2: that's why my love language is words of affirmation.
52:07
Speaker 1: Cool for sure, Emily, You're amazing.
52:09
Speaker 2: Oh wait, So okay, so we've talked about we've talked
52:14
Speaker 2: about going to treatment. You talk to us about what
52:17
Speaker 2: treatment was like. You talk to us about coming back
52:20
Speaker 2: and kind of getting into the swing of some sort
52:23
Speaker 2: of a normal routine and the overwhelm that came hand
52:25
Speaker 2: in hand with that. So after you recognize that you
52:28
Speaker 2: were kind of putting some band aids on your life,
52:31
Speaker 2: how did you move forward from that? How? I feel
52:38
Speaker 2: like you're probably still trying to figure that out.
52:40
Speaker 1: Yeah I am, that's yeah, one hundred percent I'm still
52:43
Speaker 1: figuring that out. I do think that having a team
52:46
Speaker 1: is important. Having my therapist, my psychiatrists, medication is great.
52:53
Speaker 1: It's different for everybody. Having friends. Obviously, this is important.
52:59
Speaker 1: This is why we are here, here to connect. But
53:01
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for the people in my life. And
53:05
Speaker 1: it's learning how to let love in even if it
53:08
Speaker 1: looks different than you expected. So my love language is
53:13
Speaker 1: touch and it's because and mom, I love you. If
53:17
Speaker 1: you are listening to this, my mom and I have
53:21
Speaker 1: worked hard to figure out a relationship that works for
53:23
Speaker 1: us because we didn't really have one at all. I
53:26
Speaker 1: didn't talk to her throughout my entire college experience. My
53:29
Speaker 1: mom didn't touch me when I was younger, and she
53:31
Speaker 1: didn't say I love you, and I had to ask
53:34
Speaker 1: for hugs. My love language is touch, it's hugs. So
53:39
Speaker 1: I used to think that love was just romantic.
53:42
Speaker 2: I was very foreign.
53:45
Speaker 1: It was very foreign to me that love could come
53:49
Speaker 1: in all different types of forms, from friends, from a
53:52
Speaker 1: meal that's nourishing, is full of love. So learning how
53:56
Speaker 1: to accept love in in different ways, even a smile
53:59
Speaker 1: on the street, that's love. When you can start to
54:02
Speaker 1: accept more love and you will feel more love and
54:04
Speaker 1: you will give more love instead of just thinking that
54:07
Speaker 1: it needs to be from a man or a woman.
54:10
Speaker 1: Whoever I end up with, I don't know whoever loves
54:13
Speaker 1: me that way. So yeah, being cool with that, letting
54:18
Speaker 1: love in has helped. Slowing down has helped leaning into creativity.
54:25
Speaker 2: Playing guitar.
54:26
Speaker 1: I'm not about to start a band, but it's nice
54:28
Speaker 1: to play and to sing, And honestly, teaching for.
54:32
Speaker 2: Me is really helpful.
54:37
Speaker 1: It helps me get out of that routine as long
54:39
Speaker 1: as I'm doing it because I want to teach the
54:41
Speaker 1: class and I want to connect instead of, oh, I
54:44
Speaker 1: have to put up this amount of workouts this week
54:47
Speaker 1: or else everyone's going to die. Like that's no, everyone
54:51
Speaker 1: will be fine, and we all need to be gentle
54:54
Speaker 1: with each other and ourselves.
54:56
Speaker 2: Something you said before reminded me of something I wanted
54:58
Speaker 2: to say earlier, which was that it takes a really
55:01
Speaker 2: big person to allow people to play a certain role
55:05
Speaker 2: in your life that you didn't think that they would play. Right.
55:08
Speaker 2: So when you were talking about like the shift in
55:11
Speaker 2: your relationship, I mean that was a really big change,
55:15
Speaker 2: and that was like taking a step back and being like,
55:18
Speaker 2: I don't get to decide what role you play for me,
55:21
Speaker 2: and now we can move forward together and figure out
55:23
Speaker 2: how to navigate the way that we can both show
55:26
Speaker 2: up for each other in this new capacity. Something else
55:31
Speaker 2: you just said reminded me of the Joe Rogan Demi
55:34
Speaker 2: Lovado interview. I love it where you just said I
55:38
Speaker 2: could end up with a man, I could end up
55:39
Speaker 2: with a woman. I don't know. Demi Lovato kind of
55:42
Speaker 2: said the same thing in that interview where she was like,
55:43
Speaker 2: I don't know what I'm gonna do, and I was like,
55:46
Speaker 2: good on you, Demi, but good on you, Alex.
55:50
Speaker 1: Well are you If anyone hasn't watched her documentary, it's
55:54
Speaker 1: still they're still putting episodes out, but it might all
55:57
Speaker 1: be out by the time you listen to this. I'm
55:59
Speaker 1: so glad that she's talking about her mental health and
56:03
Speaker 1: substance abuse, because it's not even what you're taking. It's like,
56:06
Speaker 1: we have substance abuse regardless. Like my substance is romance
56:12
Speaker 1: and it's always been and that is not healthy for me.
56:16
Speaker 1: And that's why I said man or woman, because by
56:20
Speaker 1: the way, I've grown up in a home. My brother
56:23
Speaker 1: is gay, my mom is gay. I'm very blessed to
56:28
Speaker 1: experience all types of love and to just let to
56:30
Speaker 1: be around people who are just being right, just being.
56:34
Speaker 1: And I don't know how love is going to come
56:39
Speaker 1: to me anymore. And I had this image, and I
56:43
Speaker 1: had a great image, and it was it was it
56:45
Speaker 1: looked real good, my engagement, my partner, we looked good together,
56:49
Speaker 1: both in fitness, it was best friends like, it looked
56:53
Speaker 1: real good. It didn't feel good, That's okay. But I
56:58
Speaker 1: was so attached to the image and I stopped thinking
57:01
Speaker 1: about how it was feeling. And so I'm done holding
57:05
Speaker 1: onto the image of anything. The image doesn't have to
57:08
Speaker 1: be what I thought it was. And that's where the
57:12
Speaker 1: struggle comes in. And that's where my struggle comes in.
57:15
Speaker 1: Where I was sitting in my apartment on by myself.
57:18
Speaker 1: It was like I shouldn't be here by myself in
57:20
Speaker 1: this big apartment. I wasn't supposed to be. What do
57:22
Speaker 1: you mean, wasn't you weren't supposed to be? Like, how
57:26
Speaker 1: do you know? How do we know what our life
57:28
Speaker 1: is going to look like? How do I know if
57:30
Speaker 1: it's going to be a rainbow or not. I have
57:32
Speaker 1: no idea. We don't know. And so if we start
57:35
Speaker 1: to chase or not chase, but lean into and breathe
57:40
Speaker 1: into a feeling and a trust of our divine timing
57:49
Speaker 1: and our soul's ability to heal no matter what happens,
57:57
Speaker 1: Like we have an internal company, and when you fight it,
58:04
Speaker 1: that's when you end up on the floor or on
58:06
Speaker 1: the street, like walking or And I don't want to
58:10
Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to compare demons. But when it
58:13
Speaker 1: comes down to it, for me, it's just life isn't
58:16
Speaker 1: turning out the way that I thought it was, but
58:19
Speaker 1: it's going to be better.
58:20
Speaker 2: What in your life excites you right now?
58:26
Speaker 1: I'm very excited about my move. I'm excited to watch
58:31
Speaker 1: Collie keep growing. She's Collie is my dog. As I
58:35
Speaker 1: said before, she's a year old, and if you have
58:41
Speaker 1: a pet, you understand this. I look at her and
58:44
Speaker 1: I just I talk to her as if she's a human,
58:47
Speaker 1: because she's just like she's this whole, like we connect.
58:50
Speaker 1: So I'm excited to watch her grow. I'm excited to
58:56
Speaker 1: join a gym again, like very simple small thing there
59:02
Speaker 1: with life coming back around, and I'm excited for the
59:06
Speaker 1: people that are going to come into my life who
59:07
Speaker 1: haven't met yet I'm really excited. I'm super excited about that.
59:12
Speaker 2: When someone comes to your Instagram page, they see a
59:20
Speaker 2: girl with they see a woman with one hundred and
59:23
Speaker 2: ten thousand followers, who's rocking some pink hair from time
59:27
Speaker 2: to time, doing some yoga, living her life, wearing a
59:31
Speaker 2: rainbow every now and again. When you look into the mirror,
59:35
Speaker 2: what is it that you see looking back at you.
59:39
Speaker 1: I love that you said girl and then said woman,
59:42
Speaker 1: because that's exactly what I see in the mirror. I
59:46
Speaker 1: there are some days where I still see a girl.
59:48
Speaker 1: I still see a young girl who needs love and
59:53
Speaker 1: who's scared and who's just trying to find acceptance. And
1:00:00
Speaker 1: then other days, or other moments, maybe even in the
1:00:03
Speaker 1: same moment, I see a woman who is stepping into discomfort,
1:00:10
Speaker 1: dyeing her hair pink, continuing to explore a relationship with movement,
1:00:20
Speaker 1: and someone who just wants joy, not happiness, but joy,
1:00:25
Speaker 1: like straight up you feel it in your body, tingling
1:00:31
Speaker 1: excitement and joy. And I love her even when even
1:00:39
Speaker 1: when she might not feel as bright. I know that
1:00:44
Speaker 1: we all have a light and it never dims. We
1:00:49
Speaker 1: just have to let it shine.
1:00:51
Speaker 2: That's all it is. For someone who listened to today's
1:00:57
Speaker 2: episode and they to feel a little bit hopeless. What
1:01:04
Speaker 2: would be one of your first pieces of advice to
1:01:10
Speaker 2: help them get to a place where maybe they have
1:01:14
Speaker 2: just a little bit more hope.
1:01:16
Speaker 1: The sun is going to shine tomorrow. Every day is different.
1:01:20
Speaker 1: I'm getting emotional just because I know that there there
1:01:24
Speaker 1: potentially are people listening who really don't feel that way.
1:01:27
Speaker 1: And even I know when I was told, you know,
1:01:32
Speaker 1: just have courage, and it's okay, you really don't. You
1:01:36
Speaker 1: don't feel it, but I promise, I promise you there's
1:01:40
Speaker 1: a rainbow, There's there's hope and love on the other side,
1:01:44
Speaker 1: and ask for help, ask for help and accept it.
1:01:54
Speaker 1: So I was in a position where I was receiving
1:01:57
Speaker 1: a lot of help, but I didn't I didn't want
1:01:59
Speaker 1: to help myself. And you're here for a reason. I
1:02:04
Speaker 1: want you to know.
1:02:04
Speaker 2: That right now you have an opportunity to offer the
1:02:12
Speaker 2: Alex a piece of advice. Looking back on the walk,
1:02:18
Speaker 2: what do you tell her I love you?
1:02:25
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, I think that's all.
1:02:28
Speaker 2: That's all we all want.
1:02:30
Speaker 1: We just want to feel loved. That's what all those
1:02:34
Speaker 1: words of affirmation, it's what the touch is it's just
1:02:36
Speaker 1: this feeling of love. And when you get to a
1:02:40
Speaker 1: place like that, you're not you don't feel it, and
1:02:44
Speaker 1: I don't. I think you get to a point where
1:02:45
Speaker 1: you just don't even want it. It's so you're over
1:02:48
Speaker 1: it because you've been hurt so many times and no
1:02:54
Speaker 1: one can ever hurt you. They just build your character
1:02:59
Speaker 1: and the girl. I wouldn't be me if I hadn't
1:03:01
Speaker 1: taken that walk. So if you're feeling that right now, again,
1:03:07
Speaker 1: it's not that you're getting stronger, it's that it is
1:03:10
Speaker 1: showing you how strong you are. And that's what that
1:03:13
Speaker 1: experience has done for me.
1:03:16
Speaker 2: Thank you for all of it. As I know this
1:03:21
Speaker 2: was a lot to take on and a heavy conversation,
1:03:24
Speaker 2: but one that you and I spoke in depth about
1:03:26
Speaker 2: before we sat down to have it. So I'm grateful
1:03:30
Speaker 2: to be able to bring this to the feed, and
1:03:33
Speaker 2: I'm grateful for your friendship, and I'm grateful to be
1:03:37
Speaker 2: sitting here with you right now.
1:03:39
Speaker 1: I feel the same. I love you and it's an honor.
1:03:43
Speaker 2: How do the hurdlers keep up with you? Give me
1:03:47
Speaker 2: your details, Alex silver Vagen.
1:03:49
Speaker 1: The deets, Well, my cell phone is.
1:03:53
Speaker 2: We haven't you haven't done the text message marketing thing.
1:03:56
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, no, I cannot keep up with it on
1:03:58
Speaker 1: the radar.
1:03:59
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know if it's actually on
1:04:01
Speaker 2: my radar. No, it's not. It's overwhelming.
1:04:04
Speaker 1: If you would like to connect with me, Instagram is
1:04:06
Speaker 1: a great place Alex Silverfagan and then my website Alex
1:04:09
Speaker 1: Silverfagan dot com. You'll be able to download my app
1:04:13
Speaker 1: right from the website. I upload five plus workouts a week,
1:04:18
Speaker 1: depending on if I'm giving myself space or not. But yes,
1:04:22
Speaker 1: there's yoga, strength training, and then my own signature class,
1:04:26
Speaker 1: Flow in a Strong, which is yoga and strength blended together.
1:04:29
Speaker 1: But a lot of the messages that we've talked about
1:04:31
Speaker 1: during this podcast are described in that class. So that's
1:04:35
Speaker 1: where you can find me. I hope to see you
1:04:37
Speaker 1: on the app or just on the interwebs. And I
1:04:41
Speaker 1: love you all.
1:04:42
Speaker 2: I love you all. I'm over at Emily a Body
1:04:45
Speaker 2: and at Hurdle Podcast. Another Hurdle Conquered. Catch you guys
1:04:50
Speaker 2: next time.