Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: You've been on the team for eighteen months. Your output is solid, your reviews are good, and yet somehow every cool assignment goes to the same person — the one who laughs at the boss's jokes, volunteers for nothing, and always seems to get the flexible schedule. Luna: I've seen that movie. It's exhausting. And it's one of the hardest dynamics to navigate because you can't exactly say 'you like them more than me' in a performance review. Lucas: Right. So today we're talking about managing a boss who plays favorites. Not the overt, screaming at you kind of bad boss — the one who's perfectly civil but has a clear inner circle. And if you're not in it, you're invisible. Luna: And while we're on things that feel invisible but make a real difference — if this podcast has ever helped you think through a tough career call or just feel less alone in a frustrating situation, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going. Buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's that simple. Lucas: Yeah, no pressure ever, but if you've gotten something out of it, that's the place. And it keeps us ad-free, which I love. Okay — back to the favoritism problem. Lucas: Let's anchor this in a specific case. I was talking to a friend who manages a marketing team at a mid-sized consumer goods company — about 200 employees. She's not the boss in this story; she's one of the team members. Her boss, the marketing director, has a clear favorite. Let's call him Alex. Luna: Alex gets the social media campaigns — which are high-visibility, high-budget. He gets to work from home two days a week. He's invited to strategy meetings that the rest of the team doesn't even know about. Lucas: Exactly. And my friend — let's call her Priya — she's running the analytics and reporting. It's critical work, but it's behind the scenes. She's never in the spotlight. And she's starting to wonder if she should just leave. Luna: Which is the natural impulse. But before you update your LinkedIn, it's worth understanding why bosses play favorites in the first place. Because it's rarely about merit. Lucas: Agreed. Research from organizational psychologists like Robert Sutton points to a couple of drivers. One is similarity-attraction — we gravitate toward people who remind us of ourselves. Same background, same communication style, same hobbies. It's unconscious. Luna: And the other big one is loyalty signaling. The favorite might not be the most competent, but they're the one who never pushes back, who agrees with the boss in meetings, who makes the boss feel smart and secure. Lucas: Right. So the boss isn't necessarily malicious — they're human. But the effect on the team is corrosive. A 2019 study in the Journal of Business Ethics found that perceived favoritism leads to lower job satisfaction, higher turnover intent, and even counterproductive behavior like withholding effort. Luna: So what do you do if you're Priya? First instinct is to confront it, but that usually backfires. Lucas: It does. If you say 'you're playing favorites,' you sound like a child. The boss gets defensive, and now you're labeled as difficult. So instead, you want to make your case in the language the boss already values — results. Luna: Meaning you document your output and tie it to business outcomes. Not 'I worked 50 hours,' but 'the dashboard I built reduced reporting time by 30 percent and saved the team 20 hours a month.' You want objective data. Lucas: Exactly. And then you request a specific assignment using that data. 'Given my work on the reporting, I think I could add a lot of value to the Q3 campaign strategy. Could I be included in that planning?' You're not asking for fairness — you're offering value. Luna: But what if the boss still says no? Or gives you a vague 'we'll see'? Lucas: Then you have a second move: build allies outside your direct team. Get visibility with your boss's boss, with other department heads, with stakeholders who see your work. If your reputation is strong elsewhere, it's harder for your boss to ignore you. Luna: That's smart. It's like creating a shadow network of sponsors. And it also protects you if you do decide to leave — you've already got relationships in place. Lucas: Right. And a third move, which is riskier but can work: make your boss's success dependent on your contributions. If you're the only one who knows how to run a certain report or manage a key client, you have leverage. Use it subtly — 'I can take that on, but I'll need to adjust my priorities. Which project should I deprioritize?' Luna: That forces the boss to acknowledge your workload and your value. But it only works if you actually are irreplaceable. If you're not, you might get deprioritized yourself. Lucas: True. So you have to be honest about your leverage. If you're easily replaceable, your best bet might be to invest in skill-building and look for a move internally or externally. But before you go, there's one more thing to try: a direct, non-accusatory conversation about your career growth. Luna: What does that look like in practice? Lucas: You schedule a one-on-one and say something like: 'I really enjoy the work I'm doing, and I want to grow into more strategic roles. Can you help me map out what skills I'd need to be considered for projects like the social media campaigns?' You're not criticizing the current setup — you're asking for a path. Luna: And if the boss is any good, they'll have to give you a concrete answer. Either they'll start including you, or they'll reveal that there's no path — which is useful information. Lucas: Exactly. And then you can decide. But what about when the favoritism is so entrenched that nothing works? When do you escalate to HR? Luna: That's a tough call. HR is there to protect the company, not you. So you need a business case. Not 'I feel left out,' but 'the team's morale and productivity are suffering because resources are not allocated based on merit. Here's the data on turnover and output.' Lucas: And even then, HR may not act unless there's a protected-class issue — if the favoritism correlates with race, gender, age, etc. If it's just the boss liking Alex because Alex plays golf with him, HR might shrug. Luna: So in many cases, the real move is to manage your own career around the boss. Accept that you won't change them, but you can change your strategy. And sometimes the best strategy is to leave — but leave on your terms, with a better offer. Lucas: I think that's the healthiest framing. Don't make it a crusade. Make it a calculation. What do I need to advance, and is this environment providing it? If not, invest your energy elsewhere. Luna: And one last thing: if you are the favorite — and some of us might be without realizing it — check yourself. Are you getting opportunities because you're good, or because you're comfortable? And are you using that access to lift others? Lucas: That's a great point. Favoritism isn't always a top-down conspiracy. Sometimes it's a habit. And breaking the habit — by recommending a colleague for a project, by sharing credit — can actually make you more valuable in the long run. Luna: So to sum up: don't take it personally, document your value, build external allies, and have the growth conversation. If none of that works, you have your answer. Lucas: And by then, you'll have a stronger network and a clearer sense of what you want next. That's not a bad place to be.