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Social Isolation & Feeling Frozen Out After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Anne Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In thoughtful, deeply supportive DMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is your first time listening, an extra special welcome to you.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is by request.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: It is something that I've been asked to share on because it is all an almost universal experience of people who navigate and go through divorce.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it is the topic of or the issue of changing friendships, losing friendships, it's being frozen out of your previous social circle once you have separated or gone through a divorce.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the trigger for this episode was a couple of weeks ago.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting it winter winter here in Melbourne, and I was sitting inside, rugged up, it was six degrees outside, and the temperature was dropping fast, wind blowing hard.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I here I was tucked up inside, heater on, sipping hot tea, and you know, thinking warm thoughts.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but just acknowledging that, you know, simply thinking those warm and fuzzy thoughts wouldn't actually change the reality of what was outside.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it was still a cold, frosty, uninviting environment out there, you know.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I while I knew that I could crank up the heating, I could eat the hot soup, I could drink the hot tea and rug up in all in warm clothes, you know, I could do all the things to stave off the wintry weather.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that eventually I'd have to go outside and face the cold.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was kind of reflecting that it's similar when you're faced with a relationship that feels challenging when you're thinking that you know this might be it in your marriage, or you've made the ultimate decision to separate.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: That cold outside can seem pretty damn uninviting, and the familiar seems, you know, if not if it's not seriously lighting your fire, the familiar at least seems warm.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you know it's not exactly what you want or you need, the alternative that scary, hazy, foggy, cold, lonely winter, is pretty uninviting.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so making the leap out into the cold of a winter season in your life is pretty bloody scary.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Making the leap to tell your story and declaring it openly with other people can also feel like inviting that icy winter right into your soul.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And still, you know you need to.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you kind of rug up your heart and your soul, and you brave the cold.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You step bravely out and you speak your truth, whether that be to your partner that you want a separation or to others outside the relationship once you've both decided that it is separation, divorce is the path that your relationship is heading down.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You step out kind of heart in mouth and hoping you'll be met with that warm place to land.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: In many circumstances, that warmth will wrap you up and hold you.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: But so many of my clients and so many of the women that I talk to describe a feeling of being actually frozen out by friends and loved ones, alone, lonely, isolated, out in the proverbial cold.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And often this isn't intended by those who are freezing, freezing you out.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not intended to be hurtful, rather, they just don't know what to say, how to respond, and they don't know how your new singleness fits with the previous place you held in their life and in your shared social network.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know where you fit anymore, and so they choose silence, which feels like you're being frozen out, you're being shut out.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: You may find yourself if you're solo after having been part of a couple, you may find that all of a sudden you're no longer included in the couple's events, you're left off the invitation lists, you're excluded from the catch-ups and the nights out, or even the casual get-togethers that you would have once attended with your ex.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce inevitably means things get split.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff, money, time with kids, and it's sad that very often in divorce and breakups, friends can get split too.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some friends feel they actually have to choose you over your ex or vice versa, and it's a rare, strong, beautiful friendship, and we're very blessed to have a few, including my parents and some of my extended family.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a rare, beautiful friendship that is able to manage an ongoing relationship with both of you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not impossible, but in my experience, it is the exception rather than the norm.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: As you navigate your separation, divorce, you negotiate so, so much.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing that gets overlooked or remains unspoken, I guess, is how do we redefine or renegotiate our friendships, those shared friendships that you had as a couple?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the longer you've been a couple, the more of those that you will have formed over time.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: There seems to be a kind of weird awkwardness where no one really knows how to act, who to include, who to invite, which side to be on.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so that can mean that we lose friendships.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there was a get-together that you were left out of, or it was kept secret from you, or not just absent-mindedly not communicated to you, feelings get hurt and relationships shift and change, and some get left behind, some actually break down in the aftermath of divorce.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I really think there is an element to this that um other people don't know where you, as I said earlier, other people don't know where you fit in their social circle anymore, and there is almost a it's almost like they think divorce or relationship breakdown is catching, you know, they don't want to associate with you because it means that they might have to look at their own relationship, they might have to question themselves.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I don't think that that is conscious at all, but I think that it is a really strong element to this, this situation, this issue that comes up time and time again with my clients and in my community where we lose friendships.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: People think they have to choose a side too.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: They want to define your breakup in a way that makes sense to them.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So they want to know who was the victim and who was the villain, and that way they can choose a side.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So they can define it in terms that make sense to them.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if there is no victim and there is no villain, it can be really hard for them to get their head around, and it can be really difficult for them to negotiate and navigate a continuing relationship with both of you, or a continuing social space where you both fit because you guys are both okay being in the same space together, but it just feels really weird for everybody else, and they don't know how to handle it, so often, oftentimes, sadly, they choose not to handle it, they just ignore it and freeze you out, and as I said, it is not done with intent to hurt, it is just that they are so uncomfortable, they don't know what to do, um, and so they choose to do nothing.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so this podcast episode is for you if you're finding yourself frozen out, but it's also for you if you have a friend or a family member who is navigating separation divorce.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're no longer part of the couple, they're no longer part of a partnership with the one they thought was there forever.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stop ringing, don't overlook inviting your newly single friend because you think they might feel out of place with all of you who are still coupled up, or that you might feel discomfort because they no longer fit who you thought they were.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: More than ever, this friend, this person that you love and care about needs to hold on to parts of her normal past life, parts of her normal.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: She needs to be surrounded by normal.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she'll tell you thanks, but not this time, if they're really she's really not up to a social outing filled with loved up couples.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: But she needs to be included, warmed, held in a warm space and not frozen out by your discomfort or your confusion or your indecision about what's the right thing to do.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is you and you're in doubt, ask.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not sure what she most needs right now, ask.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not sure whether you should invite one or both of your newly separated friends, ask them.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Other ways that you can support and warm them up include, as I said, keep inviting them even when they say no.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Keep asking, keep offering.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ring, text, drop by, be there, be available, let them know you're there for them.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Help out with practical things, kids' pickups, drop-offs, or if they're moving, offer to help them pack.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a really hard thing if they're moving out of a family home.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Offer help, be there, be supportive.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't freeze them out, don't stay away, keep visiting, dropping by, calling, remain, remain in contact.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Listen.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just listen and don't offer or don't offer your opinion or your thoughts and definitely don't judge.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just listen.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Allow them that space to talk.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Most people going through a divorce do go through a phase where they cannot think about anything else and they cannot talk about anything else.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: It is all-consuming.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So just be there and allow them the space.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Allow them that space to talk.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Importantly, don't speak badly of their ex ever.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you didn't really like them, even if you think, even if you thought that it wasn't gonna last, or you're secretly relieved they've separated, keep that to yourself.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's not helpful.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not in the early phases, if ever.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and unless there are really, really good reasons, don't feel you need to choose sides.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Be there, be present, be kind, be supportive for everyone in the situation that you care about.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't feel you need to choose sides.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask what happened.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Respect their privacy, and if they don't want to talk, they don't want to offer up details, don't press them.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because really the details are not your business.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Warming your friend, your sister, your colleague, your family member, warming them, giving them a safe and warm space to land, that's your business.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Know too that your your friend might not actually be sad about the divorce.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: It may be her choice, it may be a relief, it may have been a really long time coming, and so there may be that sense of relief.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it may be a really beautiful, conscious uncoupling that your friends have navigated together.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, oh my god, I'm so sorry, is not always the most appropriate response.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure your support is ongoing.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just because the initial dust seems to have settled doesn't mean your friend doesn't still need support.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: She does.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably then when other people are dropping away and renegotiating, re-evaluating, reassessing, or um redefining what the relationships, the social relationships are going to look like, it's then that she really needs your support.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure your support goes on beyond that initial um that initial response.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Keep checking in, keep inviting, keep connecting, keep reaching out.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing, which is really crucial.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't share what they tell you with others.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Keep their confidence and don't make a gossip beyond the two of you.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's private, it's personal.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: If she's sharing with you, she's sharing in confidence.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: So really hold that and maintain that confidence.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, if you're not sure what to do, ask.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ask what they need, ask how you can support them.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly, mostly, don't stop calling, don't freeze them out, don't exclude them from social gatherings that they would have previously been included in.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is you, if you're finding yourself out in the cold, frozen out after separation or divorce, there are some things that you can do to navigate it.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Say yes when you're asked out by friends, even if it just pushes you outside, slightly outside your comfort zone.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you have to say yes every time, but if it feels safe and it feels right, say yes.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, even if it's nudging you slightly outside your comfort zone.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ring them if they're not reaching out to you.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Invite yourself or invite them out.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Create spaces that you're comfortable with and invite them into them.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Explain to your coupled upmates that you still need to be invited.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if they're mutual friends of both you and your new ex, explain how you would like that to be handled.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: So preempt it.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them you know it might feel a bit weird, but this is what we would like you to do, or this is what I would like you to do.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And also know that choosing not to go is also 100% okay.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't want to be faced with all the duos or the couples, that's fine too.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't want to go because you know that your ex is going to be there and you just can't face him or her today, don't go.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectly fine.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Create and choose new experiences though, where you don't have to be reminded constantly of the person who's not standing next to you, or that you're the solo, you're the only solo single in the room.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: So choose events and experiences where you can just be you with solo friends or friends who've maybe chosen to leave their partners behind for the night, where being single, being solo, and not being part of a couple doesn't feel so confronting.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Look at this as an opportunity, an opportunity to form new friendships or to deepen existing ones with people who really get you, who get where you are right now, who get what you're going through.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that might mean you let go of some friendships that you had as a couple and you embrace and, as I said, deepen and strengthen others that perhaps weren't so strong, and or you form new ones.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Get comfortable with or accept that your friendships and your social network is more than likely going to shift and change.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: It can be hurtful, yes, but it can also be embraced as an opportunity.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity to redefine, to reclaim, and to liberate yourself from relationships that don't uplift and support and honor all of you where you're at right now.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly surround yourself with the people who warm your heart.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with the people who warm you, who are your safe, warm place to land.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with those people.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've got a few friends or family members who just don't seem to know quite how to support you, and maybe are subconsciously or um unknowingly freezing you out, forward them a link to this podcast.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope that you've found the support you need in this episode.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you are feeling frozen out, whether you are looking at navigating or looking at stepping out of a relationship and worried about this happening, or whether you're responding to a friend or family member who is going through a separation or divorce.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope you've found something to help and support you.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Here's to all those friendships that are our warm, safe place to land.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.