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Why Narcissists Ruin Every Good Moment · Surviving Narcissistic Abuse with Jill Wise

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, and thank you so much for joining me on my podcast all about surviving narcissistic abuse.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to talk about something that I think almost every person who has spent significant time with a narcissist will immediately recognize, and that is their incredible ability to ruin what should have been a perfectly good moment.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Birthdays, holidays, vacations, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, family dinners, a promotion at work.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it isn't even a major event.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're simply having a really good day.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're laughing, you're relaxed, you're excited about something.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You feel peaceful for the first time in a while.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And almost as if they can sense that peace, something happens.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly there's an argument, there's a criticism, there's a mood, there's an accusation, there's a completely unnecessary conflict that seems to come out of nowhere.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, the entire atmosphere has changed.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The happiness is gone, you're upset, you're confused, and once again, all of your attention is focused on them.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've experienced this enough times, eventually you will begin asking yourself a very reasonable question.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this happen every single time something good is happening?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't we just have one holiday, one vacation?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't we take any of these events without fighting?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I celebrate one accomplishment without them finding some way to diminish it?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why does my birthday somehow become about them?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it that whenever I finally seem relaxed, they suddenly become irritated?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the most confusing part is that many survivors spend years believing these incidents are unrelated.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: This Christmas was ruined because they were stressed.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: The vacation was ruined because they were tired.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your birthday was ruined because you supposedly said something wrong.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Every single incident comes with its own explanation.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But when you step back and look at the entire relationship, something becomes very difficult to ignore.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: The details change, the excuses change, the arguments change, but the outcome is remarkably consistent.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes something good was happening, and somehow the narcissist managed to make it bad.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But when you step back and look at the entire relationship, something becomes very difficult to ignore.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: The details change, the excuses change, the arguments change, but the outcome is remarkably consistent.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something good was happening, and somehow the narcissists managed to make it bad and ruin it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think one of the most important things survivors can learn is to stop looking only at the individual incidents and start looking at patterns.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Narcissistic abuse often hides inside explanations.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: There is always a reason.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: There is always some justification.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: There is always something you supposedly did that caused the problem.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you examine each incident separately, you can spend years explaining it away.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But patterns tell us things individual events cannot.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: If every birthday ends in an argument, that's a pattern.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: If every vacation contains a meltdown, that's a pattern.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: If every time you receive attention the narcissist becomes hostile, that's a pattern.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: If every time you are happy they suddenly create a crisis, that's a pattern.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And once survivors begin recognizing the pattern, the question changes.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, what did I do wrong this time?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You begin asking, what does this person seem to have such a difficult time allowing me to experience joy?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that is where this gets psychologically interesting because I don't think there is one single reason narcissists ruin good moments.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think several things can be happening at once.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Envy can be involved.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Their need for attention can be involved.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Their inability to tolerate not being the center of attention in the room can be involved.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Shame and internal emptiness can be involved.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes I think something even more fundamental is happening.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your happiness reminds them that there is an emotional world inside of you that they do not completely control.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that for a moment.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: When you are genuinely happy, where is is your attention?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're enjoying the children, you're talking with friends, uh, you're celebrating an accomplishment, you're looking at the ocean while you're on vacation, you're laughing at dinner, you're excited about something happening in your own life.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, your emotional state is being generated by something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: For a psychologically healthy partner, parent, uh, friend, or family member, that's wonderful.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy people actually enjoy watching someone they love experience happiness.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your joy adds to their joy.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your success doesn't diminish them, your birthday doesn't threaten them, your friendships don't insult them.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: But narcissistic relationships often operate very, very differently.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The narcissist may need to remain psychologically central.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: They need to matter, they need to be considered, they need to have influence over how you feel.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I think one of the most revealing things you can observe in any relationship is how someone responds when your attention is somewhere else.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Can they tolerate it?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Can they sit quietly while you shine?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Can they watch you receive praise without inserting themselves?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Can they let your birthday be your birthday?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can they allow your child's graduation to be about the child?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those moments tell you an enormous amount about a person's emotional maturity because healthy love does not require constant centrality.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Narcissistic supply often does.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when the narcissist begins feeling psychologically displaced, they may do something that brings the emotional focus right back to them.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they become angry, sometimes they become offended, sometimes they suddenly don't feel well, sometimes they accuse you of ignoring them.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they might withdraw and sulk until everyone notices.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they might provoke you privately and then act completely normal in front of everyone else.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they create such an enormous scene that whatever everyone was celebrating becomes almost irrelevant.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly there they are again at the center.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody is talking about them.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody is trying to calm them down.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're explaining yourself, you're apologizing, you're trying to fix the evening, and the emotional atmosphere of the entire room now revolves around the narcissist.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that process is consciously planned in every instant is almost beside the point.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: The function of the behavior is what matters.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Attention has returned to them.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your emotional state is once again being influenced by them.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: The moment no longer belongs to you.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've lived with this for years, you may not even realize how much you've adapted to it.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hear survivors describe spending an entire birthday monitoring their partner's mood.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how backwards that is.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's your birthday, but you're watching their face.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are they irritated?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are they bored?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have I have I spent too much time talking to someone else?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did I thank them enough?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Should I make sure they're included?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly your own birthday becomes another opportunity to emotionally manage the narcissist.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing happens on vacations.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You spend months planning the trip, saving money and looking forward to it, and then the complaints begin.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: The hotel isn't good enough.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: The restaurant is wrong.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're taking too long getting ready.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're not paying enough attention to them.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: The children are annoying them.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually you find yourself walking on eggshells in a beautiful place you've spent thousands of dollars to visit.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then there are holidays.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I I cannot tell you how many survivors associate holidays with anxiety rather than joy because of years of narcissistic chaos, myself included.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas isn't Christmas anymore.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's another day you wonder whether the narcissist will complain about a gift, create an argument, become offended by something, criticize somebody, drink too much, storm out of the room.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Birthdays aren't birthdays.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Anniversaries aren't anniversaries.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, every special occasion develops this invisible cloud hanging over it because your nervous system remembers what happened the last ten times.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where something incredibly sad begins happening.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You stop getting excited.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: You stop looking forward to things.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You learn not to, because excitement makes disappointment hurt even more.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is one of the quieter ways narcissistic abuse steals joy from people.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: We talk a lot about gaslighting, trauma bonds, devaluation, and emotional abuse, but I don't think we talk enough about what happens when someone repeatedly pairs happiness with punishment.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because the nervous system learns through association.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: If every time you become excited, something terrible happens afterwards, your body begins associating excitement with danger.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: If every vacation ends in a fight, eventually preparing for vacation creates anxiety.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: If every birthday becomes emotionally painful, eventually your birthday itself feels threatening.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: If every time you share good news the person you love criticizes or diminishes you, eventually you stop sharing good news.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then survivors say things like, I don't know why, but whenever something good happens, I immediately start waiting for something bad to happen.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: There is a reason.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: You were trained to expect it.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this conditioning can remain long after the narcissist is gone.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You may enter a healthy relationship and still find yourself unable to relax on vacation.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is going beautifully, but your body is waiting for the explosion.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your new partner gives you a beautiful birthday, and part of you keeps waiting for the argument.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You receive good news and immediately feel anxious because you're waiting for something to ruin it.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then nothing happens.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Strangely enough, that can almost feel uncomfortable at first because peace is unfamiliar.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: People sometimes think healing means immediately feeling wonderful once the abusive relationship ends, but sometimes healing means learning how to tolerate things that should have always felt normal.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Peace, consistency, predictability, joy, a birthday without punishment, a vacation without a fight, a partner who sees you happy and doesn't need to destroy it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system may need time to learn that those things are safe.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Another major reason narcissists ruin good moments is envy.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've talked about pathological envy before because I think that it is absolutely central to understanding narcissistic behavior.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: But envy isn't always about money or appearance, status, or success, believe it or not.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes narcissists may envy your ability to experience genuine joy.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine someone whose self-esteem depends heavily upon attention, admiration, superiority, control, or comparison.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then imagine them watching another person experience something very simple and genuine.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're laughing with your children, you're enjoying music, you're excited about your garden, you're proud of something you accomplished.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're sitting outside drinking coffee and feeling completely content.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need an audience, you don't need admiration, you're just happy.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: For someone who struggles to generate that kind of internal contentment, witnessing it in another person can be incredibly uncomfortable.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And envy does not always mean I want what you have.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes envy means I don't want you to have it.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very important distinction.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is why some narcissists seem almost energized by your failures and strangely deflated by your successes.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You tell them you got a promotion and something changes in their face.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: You tell them someone complimented you and suddenly they're criticizing you.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: You tell them you're excited about something and within five minutes they've found the downside.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: You say, I got the job, and instead of saying that's incredible, I'm so proud of you, they say, Well, I hope you you know what you're getting yourself into.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You buy an you buy a house and they remind you how expensive it is.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: You start a business and they tell you most businesses fail.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: You meet someone wonderful and they tell you just wait, because everybody seems wonderful in the beginning.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: There is always a pin available for your balloon.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And after enough years of this, you may begin hiding your happiness.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: You receive wonderful news and think, I'm not gonna tell them yet.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You buy something you love and you downplay how much you like it.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You achieve something important and minimize it.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: You become careful about appearing too excited because somewhere inside you know your happiness is going to trigger something.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I want people listening to this to really think about what that means.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have learned to protect another person's ego from your joy.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: People, that is not love.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: This dynamic can become even more pronounced when the good moment involves attention from other people.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Weddings are a perfect example.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: A wedding should be about the couple getting married, but narcissistic parents, siblings, former partners, and or other family members can have an extraordinarily difficult time with weddings because the hierarchy of attention is temporarily very clear.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: This day is not about them.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And for some narcissistic personalities, that can be extremely difficult to tolerate.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So suddenly there's a crisis.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone doesn't like where they're seated, someone is offended, somebody announces major news, somebody starts an argument, someone refuses to attend, someone cries loudly enough that everybody has to comfort them.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the bride or groom on what should be one of the happiest days of their lives ends up managing the narcissist's emotions.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this brings us to something else that I think is absolutely central to this behavior: control.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because ruining your happiness doesn't simply make you unhappy, it reminds you who controls the emotional temperature of the relationship.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the power involved in being able to walk into a room where everyone is having a wonderful time and completely change the atmosphere.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: One person becomes irritated and everybody becomes tense.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: One person stops talking and everyone starts wondering what's wrong.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: One person gets offended and suddenly everyone is apologizing.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And in narcissistic families, entire systems can organize themselves around maintaining one person's emotional stability.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody learns the rules.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't upset mom, don't contradict dad, don't mention that around your sister.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't talk about your promotion because she'll feel bad.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't challenge him at dinner.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, everyone in the family becomes an unpaid employee in the narcissist's emotional regulation department.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why ruining good moments can become such an effective form of control.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, the narcissist doesn't even need to ruin every moment.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: You begin ruining it for yourself in advance.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: You anticipate, you modify your behavior, you lower your expectations, you cancel plans, you stop inviting certain people, you don't share the news, you don't celebrate too loudly, you don't stay at the party too long.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: The narcissist has become internalized, and this connects directly with what we've talked about in previous episodes about the narcissist's addiction to controlling your mind.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because the deepest form of control is not having to tell you what to do anymore.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's getting you to tell yourself.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: You hear their voice before they even speak.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: You anticipate the criticism, imagine the argument, and modify yourself accordingly.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: There is another part of this that I think is especially painful, and that is when the narcissist waits until after the good moment to destroy it.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the event itself went beautifully.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: You had a wonderful evening, uh, you were laughing, everything felt normal.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you get in the car afterward and think that was actually really nice.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then it starts.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why were you talking to him so much?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You embarrassed me.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: You ignored me all night.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your family was disrespectful.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: You were flirting.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You made me look stupid.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly you're spending the entire drive home defending yourself.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: By the time you arrive home, the memory has been contaminated.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't remember the laughter anymore.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: You remember the fight.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is another form of emotional conditioning.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: If the narcissist cannot prevent the joy, they can punish you afterward for having experienced it.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually you learn that enjoying yourself comes with a bill, and the bill will be collected later.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So even during the good moment, part of you remains vigilant.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: You think, am I gonna pay for this when we get home?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that sentence alone describes so many abusive relationships.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to make an important distinction because not every person who becomes irritable on vacation is a narcissist.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not every person who has an argument on Christmas is abusive.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: People do get stressed, people have bad.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Days.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Families argue travel can be exhausting.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is the pattern.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Does the person take responsibility afterward?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can they say, I was stressed and I ruined that evening and I'm so sorry?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do they make an effort not to repeat it?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can they tolerate your happiness even when they aren't feeling happy themselves?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or does the same thing happen over and over and over again while somehow always becoming your fault?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Accountability matters.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns matter, and the effect it has on you matters.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest things survivors eventually have to face is how many memories were stolen this way.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: There can be enormous grief around that.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: You look at photographs from a vacation and remember you were crying ten minutes before the picture.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: You see a Christmas photo and remember the silent treatment afterward.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: You look at your wedding pictures and remember what your narcissistic mother did.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: You think about an important accomplishment and remember somebody finding a way to diminish it.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you can feel really angry that moments you can never recreate were contaminated by someone else's behavior.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you're allowed to grieve that.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Some moments can't be repeated, and it hurts when someone repeatedly stole the joy from them.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: But healing eventually asks us a different question.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: How many future moments are we going to allow them to take?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because there comes a point where continuing to organize your happiness around the narcissist gives them access to experiences they are no longer even present for.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the narcissist ruined 10 Christmases.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: They do not automatically get the eleventh.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they ruined your marriage.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: They do not automatically get your next relationship.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they made birthdays terrifying.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: They do not own every birthday for the rest of your life.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where reclaiming joy becomes an actual part of trauma recovery.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have to deliberately create new associations.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Take the vacation, celebrate the birthday, buy yourself the cake, invite the people who make you feel safe.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wear what you want, stay at the party, laugh loudly, receive the compliment, tell people your good news.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let someone celebrate you.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then notice what happens.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing terrible.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody punishes you.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody creates a crisis.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody makes you pay afterward.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And little by little your nervous system begins learning something it should have always known.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Joy is safe.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's such an important part of healing because survivors sometimes become so focused on avoiding pain that they forget recovery is also about recovering pleasure.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not just learning boundaries, not just identifying red flags, not just uh understanding trauma bonds, actually enjoying your life again.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Narcissistic abuse makes your world incredibly small because everything becomes about survival.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: What mood are they in?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are they gonna do?
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Are they angry?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Are they lying?
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: Should I say something?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stay quiet?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your mental energy gets consumed by another person.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Healing gradually returns that energy to you.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want to do today?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: What do you enjoy spending your time with?
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: What makes makes me laugh?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I want to travel?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of people do I want around me?
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Those questions may sound ordinary, but after narcissistic abuse, ordinary can feel revolutionary.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: And something else happens when you begin healing.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: You stop confusing chaos with passion.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: When your nervous system has spent years cycling between conflict and reconciliation, peace can initially feel boring.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's no adrenaline, there's no dramatic reunion, no crisis, no emotional roller coaster.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And survivors sometimes mistake that absence of intensity for an absence of love.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: But healthy love is not supposed to keep your nervous system in a constant state of emergency.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to have a good day without paying for it.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to celebrate without preparing for punishment.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to laugh without scanning someone's face.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to succeed without apologizing.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: You should be able to experience happiness without immediately wondering who is it gonna upset?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of the most profound moments in recovery is when you experience something beautiful and realize afterward that you were completely present for it.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: You weren't monitoring anyone, you weren't anticipating conflict, you weren't waiting for the mood to change.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: You were simply there.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that is freedom.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the things narcissistic abuse takes away from people that we don't talk about enough is presence.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot be fully present while you're hypervigilant.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Part of you is always somewhere else scanning for danger.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: So reclaiming your life means reclaiming your ability to inhabit your own moments, to be at dinner and actually taste the food, to be on vacation and actually see the ocean, to be at your child's graduation and actually feel proud, to celebrate your birthday without wondering whether someone else is angry that you exist.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I really hope people listening to this understand that you are allowed to protect good moments.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to reconsider how much access someone has to your life when they repeatedly destroy those moments.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that can be incredibly difficult when the narcissist is family.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your mother, your father, your sibling, your adult child, or your in-law.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone expects that person to be included because they're family.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to ask yourself something.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: How many important moments are you willing to sacrifice in order to maintain the appearance of family harmony?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes one destructive person is not what destroyed the family event.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Their repeated behavior already did that.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries don't ruin healthy relationships.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone believes the only way they can remain in your life is if they're allowed to repeatedly sabotage your peace, what they're asking for is not simply a relationship, they're asking for unrestricted access.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: There is a difference, and survivors eventually begin understanding that access to your life should be influenced by behavior, not simple simply biology, history, obligation, or guilt.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: If someone repeatedly takes beautiful moments and turns them into painful memories, you are allowed to reconsider how much access they have to future ones.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think many survivors eventually look back and realize just how much energy they spent trying to manufacture good moments with someone who seemed committed to destroying them.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you planned the perfect vacation.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you cooked the perfect Christmas dinner.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you bought exactly what they wanted.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you chose the restaurant you knew they'd like.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you did everything you could possibly do and they still found a reason to be unhappy.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: That realization can be incredibly freeing because maybe the problem was never that you failed to create the right conditions.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were trying to create peace with someone who needed disruption.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were trying to create connection with someone who needed control.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were trying to create joy with someone who experienced your joy as a threat.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if you recognize yourself in this episode, if you have spent years wondering why every holiday, birthday, vacation, accomplishment, or happy moment somehow ended in conflict, I want you to stop automatically assuming that you caused it.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the pattern.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Look at what happened immediately before the conflict.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Were you happy?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: Whether people paying attention to you?
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: Were you connecting with someone else?
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Were you celebrating something?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Were you relaxed?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself what happened next?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the timing tells you everything.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: And also notice what you learned to do in response.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you minimize good news?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you become anxious before holidays?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you expect birthdays to go badly?
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel guilty when people celebrate you?
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you become uncomfortable when everything is peaceful?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you wait for the other shoe to drop?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those reactions may be remnants of what you've lived through.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: But what you learned in survival can be relearned in safety.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to enjoy things again.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to celebrate again.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to trust peace again.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn that laughter doesn't have to be followed by punishment.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn that good news doesn't have to be hidden.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn that people who genuinely love you do not require you to dim your happiness in order to protect their ego.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: So in closing, if the narcissist in your life ruined every good moment, please don't allow them to convince you that joy itself was a problem.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your happiness was never the problem.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your excitement was never the problem.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your success was never the problem.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your birthday was never the problem.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: The vacation was not the problem.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: The holiday was not the problem.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you were not asking too much because you wanted one beautiful day that didn't end in chaos.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: Your joy may have represented something the narcissist found incredibly difficult to tolerate.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: It represented freedom.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: It represented connection.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: It represented an emotional experience they did not create and could not completely control.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that is exactly why reclaiming your joy is such a powerful part of healing.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you allow yourself to experience happiness without fear, you are taking something back.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you celebrate yourself without apologizing, you are taking something back.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you enjoy a holiday without walking on eggshells, you are taking something back.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you sit in peace without waiting for someone to destroy it, you are taking something back.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you may realize that the narcissist no longer controls the emotional temperature of your life.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: That is when good moments stop feeling dangerous.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: That is when peace stops feeling suspicious.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is when you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that is when your life begins belonging to you again.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode resonated with you and you're trying to make sense of your own experiences with narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, gaslighting, complex PTSD, or the lasting effects of living in chronic emotional chaos, I do work with clients privately, and I also have additional resources available to support your healing journey.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can find information about my private coaching, recovery course, and private community on my website at www.jillwise.com, linked in the description below.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I want to thank you so much for spending this time with me.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: Please know that wherever you are in your healing journey, you are not alone.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this week, I want you to allow yourself to enjoy something without apologizing for it.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let yourself laugh, celebrate something, spend time with someone who makes you feel safe.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if that old feeling comes up that tells you something bad is about to happen simply because something good is happening, remind yourself I don't live there anymore.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am allowed to have good moments.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: I am allowed to keep them, and I am allowed to build a life where nobody gets to punish me for being happy.