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Be Real, Not Nice: What Were You Actually Working Out? · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

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  Hello and welcome back to Unlocking the Paradigm Portal.
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  My name is Sarah. So it's been a week of a really
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  hard, challenging look at relationships and to have to
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  really take a big deep dive into yourself.
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  And I know that's not easy. I know that very well because I
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  have been on my own deep dive all week and hell for about a
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  decade now. But I promise you, it is so
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  worth it. So I'm just going to jump right
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  in. You knew something was off.
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  Maybe not everything, maybe not the full picture, but something
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  was off. And you felt it before you had
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  words for it. And there was a shift in your
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  body and there was this quiet that came over you in a
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  particular moment. And that thing that you noticed
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  and then immediately talked yourself out of noticing.
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  You felt it. And you stayed anyway.
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  And I'm not here to tell you that was wrong.
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  People deserve chances to change, absolutely.
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  And relationships deserve real effort.
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  And staying and doing the hard work is sometimes the most
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  courageous thing a person can do.
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  And some of the best things that have ever happened in a
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  relationship happened because one or both people decided to
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  stay and look at what was actually going on instead of
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  walking out the door. And that's beautiful.
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  So this is not a stay or go conversation that is yours to
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  have. That has always been yours.
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  This is a different conversation and it's the one this whole week
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  has been quietly building toward.
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  What were you actually working out inside of that relationship?
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  Not what the other person was doing, not what went wrong
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  between you, but what were you just you working out inside of
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  yourself, using the container of that relationship to do it?
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  Because if you don't answer that question honestly, if you don't
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  look at what was happening inside of you and not just what
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  was happening between you, you will find yourself in a
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  different relationship, having the exact same experience,
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  different person, same dynamic, same wound, same moment where
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  you go quiet and still and something in you already knows.
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  I'm going to link the Murder Board episode from Sunday.
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  That was the reason I did it, repetitive patterns, and you
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  have to see it so that you can break that.
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  And that's what the whole week has been about.
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  It's not about building a case or collecting evidence against
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  anyone else. And then it's not about proving
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  that you were right about them. It's about you.
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  The work is always about you. So we're going to do a little
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  flashback to the week Monday. We started with the common
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  denominator, and I know that one landed hard for some of you.
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  Because the common denominator is you.
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  It's always you. Not as a verdict and not with
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  judgement. It's a starting point.
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  You are the 1 consistent variable in every relationship
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  you have ever been in, which means you are also the one
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  variable with the most potential for actual change.
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  That's good news. And Wednesday I went after the
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  red flags, the ones you saw clearly and chose not to see.
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  And I want to say something about that before I go any
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  further today. Choosing not to see something is
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  not stupidity and it is not weakness.
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  It is very human, very understandable, and a response
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  to information that feels too costly to act upon.
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  I mean, your brain is wired to protect you from a threat, and
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  sometimes the biggest perceived threat isn't the red flag, It's
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  what seeing the red flag clearly and acknowledging it would
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  require you to do about it. So today I'm going to go one
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  layer deeper than both of those because this is what I do.
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  Because even if you saw the flags, even if you recognize the
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  pattern, even if you can name the common denominator clearly,
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  there is still a question underneath all of it that most
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  people never really get down to. And not just what happened, but
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  what were you trying to heal, prove, or resolve through it?
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  So in my experience, and I mean that both personally and
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  professionally, when someone knows something is off and stays
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  anyway, when someone keeps choosing A dynamic that isn't
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  working, it comes down to one of three things, sometimes two of
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  them, sometimes all three at once.
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  Worth, fear and identity. So we're going to start with
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  worth. Worth sounds like this inside of
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  your head. Maybe if I just show up harder.
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  Maybe if I love better, Maybe if I give more.
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  Maybe if I need less, maybe they'll finally see me.
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  Maybe they'll finally appreciate me.
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  Maybe if I can get it right, if I can hit whatever the moving
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  target is of their, you know, emotional volatility this week,
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  they'll choose me. They'll stay.
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  They'll finally reflect back to me the thing I've been trying to
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  see in myself through them. Maybe they will finally love me.
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  And so you keep trying, and you keep adjusting, and you keep
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  shrinking or expanding or contorting into a pretzel to fit
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  what you think is being asked of you.
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  And it's not because you aren't worth being chosen as you are,
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  because you are, but because some part of you, a part that
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  was shaped long before this relationship in rooms that had
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  nothing to do with this person, isn't fully convinced of that
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  yet. And you're trying to use this
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  relationship to settle the question, to finally get that
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  external proof that you are enough.
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  The problem is that no relationship can settle that
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  question for you. The evidence has to come from
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  inside, and every time you look for it outside of yourself, you
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  hand someone else your power. And most people are too busy
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  with their own stuff to be trusted with your power.
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  And frankly, your power is yours, Don't give it away.
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  So if worth is your thing, and be really honest with yourself
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  about this. The work isn't about finding a
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  better relationship. The work is about building a
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  better relationship with yourself first so that you stop
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  auditing other people for proof of your own value.
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  So the second thing is fear. And fear is sneakier than worth
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  because it disguises itself as logic.
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  So fear sounds like, What if I'm wrong about this?
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  What if things can actually change?
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  I've seen glimpses of who they could be.
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  And what if I leave right before it gets better?
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  What if I'm being too sensitive, too demanding, too quick to pull
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  the plug on something that just needs more time?
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  And underneath all of that is what if I'm alone?
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  What if this is as good as it gets for me?
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  What if the next thing is worse? So you stay in the familiar
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  discomfort because the unknown is more threatening than the
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  known. And at least here you know the
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  shape of things. It's like you're uncomfortable
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  comfort zone. And at least here you know what
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  you're managing. You know who you're managing.
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  Your nervous system is smart, protective, completely
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  well-intentioned, and spectacularly unhelpful in this
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  particular situation because it keeps choosing the devil it
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  knows. And the problem with staying
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  because of fear is that it compounds over time.
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  So every time you override your own knowing to stay comfortable,
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  you erode your trust in yourself a little bit more, and you teach
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  yourself that your instincts can't be relied on and that your
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  body is an unreliable narrator. And rebuilding that trust, like
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  trust in your own perception, your own knowing, your own rate
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  of the situation, that is real work.
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  It's important work. And it starts with admitting
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  that fear has been driving more than you've been willing to
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  admit. So the third part is identity.
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  And identity is the one that hides behind your best
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  qualities. So identity sounds like I'm not
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  someone who gives up. I made a commitment, and
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  commitments mean something to me.
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  Good people do the work. I don't want to be someone who
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  runs when things get hard. If I give up, then I'm failing.
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  And those are real values. Loyalty does matter.
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  Commitment matters. Doing the work instead of
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  running from discomfort. That matters.
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  I'm not arguing against any of that.
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  There is a big difference between staying because you're
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  genuinely invested in growth, whether it's yours, theirs,
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  yours together, and staying because leaving would threaten
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  the story you tell about who you are.
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  There's a difference between loyalty as a value and loyalty
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  as a cage you built out of your own values.
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  And if the honest answer is that you've been staying to protect
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  an identity more than to build a relationship, that is worth
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  looking at. Not with shame, but with
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  curiosity. Because the identity you've been
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  protecting was probably constructed to keep you safe
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  from something, and it's worth knowing what that something is.
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  So here's what I know about patterns after years of doing
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  this work on myself and with other people.
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  You cannot think your way out of a pattern.
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  You cannot willpower past it. You cannot find the right person
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  and hope it dissolves on contact with someone.
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  Healthier patterns don't care how smart you are.
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  They don't care how much therapy you've done, or how many books
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  you've read, or how clearly you can articulate exactly what your
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  attachment style is doing and why.
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  People love to throw around attachment language without
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  actually putting in the work to change it.
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  Patterns. They live in the body.
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  They run below the level of intellectual understanding and
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  the only thing that actually shifts them is getting honest.
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  Not just analytically honest, but felt honest about what they
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  are protecting. Every pattern is doing something
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  for you, even the painful ones. In fact, it's specially the
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  painful ones. They are keeping something at
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  Bay. They're reaching for something
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  they learned to reach for long, long ago, usually before you had
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  any say in the matter. And the moment that you can see
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  that, and I mean really see it and feel it and stop making it
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  mean something terrible about you, something starts to loosen.
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  This is exactly what the murder board this week was designed to
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  do. You built the case.
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  You laid out the evidence. You look at the pattern clearly
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  and honestly because you cannot do the internal work without
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  first seeing the external picture with clear eyes.
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  The murder board wasn't the destination, it was the door.
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  And let me tell you, it has been a powerful week of seeing and
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  acknowledging and breaking the hell out of patterns across
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  every kind of relationship I've ever had.
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  Family, friends, relationship like romantic relationships, all
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  of it. Because being able to see it
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  with clear eyes from that observer stance completely
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  changes everything. Because once you can see that
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  pattern clearly, once you've named what kept showing up, what
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  you kept tolerating, what you kept explaining away, then you
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  get to ask the harder question. Not just what did they do, but
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  you get to ask what did I bring into the room?
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  And what I brought into the room is the only part of this I have
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  any actual power over. People can change.
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  I truly believe that they genuinely, genuinely can, and so
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  can you, but only what you're willing to look at.
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  People can change if they're willing to put in the work.
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  You can change if you're willing to put in the work.
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  And it's not easy. I'm not going to lie, it has
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  been the most challenging thing I've done in my entire existence
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  and 1,000,000% worth it. And let me also say this, it is
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  an ongoing process constantly. It's not as intense anymore
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  after the first little bit, but everyone who knows me knows that
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  I will. Something will come up and I'll
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  be like, man, I got kicked in the teeth with that.
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  OK. But the cool thing is once you
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  start doing it, then you're able to pause and sit with it and
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  process it instead of being bowled over.
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  So to close out this episode, your stone, the one stone for
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  this week, you're stoned for today, and to close this final
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  episode of Friday, is this. Pick one relationship, past or
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  present, where you felt something was off and you stayed
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  anyway. Don't analyze it.
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  Don't build a case. Just sit with this question.
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  Honestly, what was I working out?
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  Get real and ask yourself that. What were you working out?
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  And then ask yourself, was it worth?
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  What was I was? Was it worth like?
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  Was I trying to earn proof that I was enough, that I was worthy
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  enough? Was it fear?
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  Was it the unknown that was more threatening than the known pain?
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  Was it identity? Was I staying to protect story
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  about who I am? Was it all three?
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  Was it worthiness and fear and identity?
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  It can be all wrapped up and tangled.
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  So write one sentence. Not a justified sentence, not an
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  explained sentence, just an honest sentence.
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  And that sentence is not a verdict on you or on them.
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  It's a flashlight. And flashlights, they don't
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  judge what they're illuminating, they just light it up.
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  They just make it possible to finally see because the pattern
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  only changes when you can see it clearly enough to make a
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  different choice, not just in that relationship, but in the
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  next one and the one after that. And that's the real work.
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  That's always been the real work.
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  So you showed up all three days this week and you sat with hard
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  questions on hard mornings. And that is that says so much
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  about you. That is actually the beginning
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  of something awesome. So remember, it was never just
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  about them, it was always about you.
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  And I know that's harder to hear than a clean villain story, but
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  it's also the most hopeful thing that I know.
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  Because you are the 1 variable in every relationship you have
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  ever had, or will ever have for that matter, that you can
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  actually do something about. And you are not broken, you are
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  not the problem. You are a person who has been
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  working something out and now you get to do that with your
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  eyes open. Welcome to actually living.
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  So I'm going to wrap it up for today.
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  Like share, subscribe, do all the things and try to enjoy your
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  Friday the 13th. Spooky, right?
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  Doesn't faze me. So leave a comment if you would
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  like to share your stone or anything, any patterns that
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  you've recognized. And I will be back Saturday for
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  light in the dark, Sunday for another deep dive.
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  And then I'm going to hammer you a little bit less next week
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  because I know this week was kind of aggressive.
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  So have a beautiful Friday.