Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Lying About your Body Count | Ian Lara | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁🤣

Transcript

Lying About your Body Count | Ian Lara | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are a great audience.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's a l a lot of groups of women here tonight, which is uh that's nice.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I envy about female friendships.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: You guys could do cute stuff with your girls like this, and it's not weird, you know?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: You just call them up.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you wanna go see comedy?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: It'd be fun.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need a man, and it's cool.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Men, we can't really do stuff like that.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I can't call my boy on a Saturday night, like, bro, you wanna laugh?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, bro, we don't laugh no more.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let's sit in a dark room and enjoy each other's company.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be cool.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's why men we watch sports.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's the only thing we could get away with without having to communicate.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And women tell us sometimes you guys should communicate.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then we try to communicate and we're like, I shouldn't have done that.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: It happened to me recently.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I brought my boys over my house.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: We were watching football.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was the playoffs.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was two games on, but there was an intermission between game one and game two.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: During the intermission, a documentary was on the TV about frogs.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So it was four adult men learning about frogs.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this is real.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's a species of frogs, they're called green frogs, and they could change their genders.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like they could just go back and forth.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever they decide, they could just go between two genders.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was watching it and I thought it was interesting.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And one of my boys goes, Damn, it'd be cool if we could do that.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What you mean?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: What you mean by that, bro?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And he doubled down.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Nah, I don't mean me right now.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, like, if I went to prison, I could just change my gender and then do whatever.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What do you want to do in prison?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, nah, I don't want to talk about this.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nah, we're gonna unpack this.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get to the bottom of it.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Do you want to be a woman?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you could be a woman.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's New York.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't gotta be a frog, is what I'm trying to tell you.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is why men don't communicate.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I think our relationships with our friends last longer than women.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't get to know each other.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's where you ladies mess up.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You start talking to each other.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can't talk to people.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta keep it superficial.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is why women are the only people on the planet that'll have an ex-best friend.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: They'll break up with their best friend.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: We don't do that.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: We decide our best friend at five years old, and that's our best friend for life.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he could become a terrible person.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: He could be a serial killer or club promoter, and we still hang out with him.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: But women will break up with important people in their life.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be like their maid of honor.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you ask, what happened to your maid of honor?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: She's a bitch.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she's a bitch, and I should have known because her moon is Gemini and her son is Scorpio.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: She's a double bitch.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I didn't know they was doubling up on the bitches.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Women get mad at each other for little stuff.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get mad.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had one girl told me she broke up with her best friend because she texted her too late on the birthday.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: She was 15 minutes late.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was 12:15.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she broke up with her, cut her out from her life.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I can never get mad at my best friend for forgetting my birthday.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because he doesn't know what my birthday is.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I never told him.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: We've had spent the whole day together on my birthday.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: He never figured it out.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: One time we was at a restaurant, the waiter sang me, Happy Birthday.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: He still didn't get it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't know.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I don't know.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were doing it for the bitches.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what you're I don't know nothing about him.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: He don't know nothing about me, and we're tight.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I know his favorite team.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we bond.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever his favorite team wins, I text him, like, yo, you saw the game?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Thank you, bro.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you thinking about it.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I got you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we get together, we start talking about dating, you know.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people don't know this, but it's hard for men to date, also.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: People don't know this because we're not allowed to talk about it in public.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Women, y'all can complain about dates.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: You go on a bad date, you talk about it, start a podcast, it's fun.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because you gotta have empathy for the ladies.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: They go through a lot.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta make them feel seen.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how ridiculous the shit they say is.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it happens to all of us.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: It happens to me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: My homegirls, they go on dates sometimes.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: They come back, they complain to me about their date.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta pretend so they don't get mad.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta act like I'm shocked.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've never heard of anything like this.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: He made you pay for the food that you ate.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: What a monster.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's an animal.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: That don't happen with us because no one cares about our complaints.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can't call a girl to complain about a date.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: She just gonna tell you the man up.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You definitely can't call a man.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Try calling your boy up one day to complain about a date.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: See if he gives a fuck.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can make up a date.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your life could be in danger.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can call your boy up right now, like, yo, I'm on a date with this girl.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's wearing a bomb.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: She got a bomb strapped to her chest.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think she's gonna blow up the building.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: What should I do?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Guarantee, if he cares about you, he's gonna turn in sexual.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: He's gonna be like, enjoy, nigga.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you should do.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Calling my phone, bragging.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You even know what you got?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's a freak.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a radicalized freak.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes women think that we don't run into crazy people when we date.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just y'all.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: That ain't true, ladies.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of crazy women out there too.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Me personally, when I go on dates now, I only run into two types of women.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they're cool, but they're extreme.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I can never get a girl in the middle.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I only get the radicalized ones, too.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: For real.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be on a date with like a young girl who's like a feminist.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And they cool.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's just hard to impress them.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need men for nothing.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't gotta open doors or pay the bill.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: They just want you to shut up.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll tell you, shut the fuck up.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I get scared when they come around.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh shit, don't look her in the eyes.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna get upset.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Look away, you can lose your job.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Then I run into older women.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all think the feminist is tough.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Older women are worse.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because older women don't care about feminism.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: They just want you to be a man.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Every day.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: No days off.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just masculine.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Every day.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants to be masculine every day.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of work.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Man, you know, sometimes we get by ourselves and we just want to stretch.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Run a bubble bath, poke your ass out a little.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's good for your back.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not weird.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Don't listen to them.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It ain't weird.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Some women don't allow it though.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: No stretching.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's a red flag.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, it's them in the group chat for stretching in public.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some women now believe that if a man does anything that's even remotely feminine, he's a closeted homosexual.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Have y'all met these homophobic women?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: They exist, they're out there.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want men to have joy.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if they're not around, they don't like a joyful man.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: They believe a man belongs hunting or at war.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the two jobs we're legally allowed to have.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Some women are like that.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: No questions asked.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're too happy?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're gay.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had a girl tell me she thought I was gay.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wow, why you think I was gay?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, one time I saw you smiling and you were drinking sangria.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So she was like, I just figured you slept with men.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I said, what?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I said, sangria is delicious.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not allowed.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, I don't think a man should be eating fruit in public.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't agree with that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I said it was oranges.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was eating oranges.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You act like I was deep throat in a banana at the bar.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not trying to be one of these men and women of so different guys, but ladies, sometimes we can't help but laugh at how different we really are.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I recently got into an argument with one of my best friends, and she's like my sister.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: We grew up together, but she got mad at me because she went on a date with an NBA player, a professional athlete.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: He took her to dinner, that's it.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then he took her home.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then she found out he was going around and telling people that they had sex.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she was very upset about it.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought it was hilarious.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I wasn't laughing at her.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was just laughing at how differently men and women approach life.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because she asked me what I would do.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't even keep a straight face.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, it's not funny, don't laugh.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: How would you feel if some famous girl was going around town telling everyone you had sex?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like that?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I think I'd prefer that more than sex.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all got my permission tonight, if you want.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Tell everyone we had sex.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Come to think about it, is there a higher honor as a man than a woman inflating her sexual partners on your behalf?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's a sensitive topic.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of women lie about their sexual partners.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But if they choose to lie about the amount, they're not adding names to the list.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: See how quiet it got in there?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because some of y'all know, some of y'all treat it like it's taxes.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of deductions on that sexual partner.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of exemptions and write-offs.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some women hide their sexual partners the way billionaires hide their money.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I got a couple bodies offshore.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all don't talk about it.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, I fucked them under a shell company.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't even me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had bangs back then.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was a different person.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know that girl.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Men, we lie too, but we lie differently.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: We lie up.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: We treat it like it's our hype.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Anything we can add to the list, we'll take it.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You dance with me too long.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like counting.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the list.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I got one friend, she figures sex out for women.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect rule for the ladies.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to this.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: She told me she don't even count a guy as a sexual partner unless he can make her finish.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I said, that's the perfect way to keep your number at zero.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be a virgin forever.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I agree with the ladies, I think that should be the law.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think in order for it to count as sex, you gotta make her orgasm or it didn't happen.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hear me out, fellas.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think it could work out in our favor.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: In the future, anytime a man got accused of cheating, you could just be like, babe, come on.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know me.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Does that even sound like something I'm capable of doing?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, I'm in.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, guys.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've been great.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate it.