Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Ep. 69: Can You Be Nice to Your Spouse When You're Considering Divorce?

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Ep. 69: Can You Be Nice to Your Spouse When You're Considering Divorce? · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Divorce Decision Podcast, the show for couples asking the most painful question in marriage.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Should we stay or should we go?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: If your marriage feels heavy, confusing, or painfully uncertain, you're not alone.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're leaning towards divorce or hoping to rebuild your marriage, my desire is to help you find clarity.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get started.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there everyone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of the Divorce Decision podcast.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Before we jump into today's content, if you've been finding these episodes helpful, I would really appreciate it if you would take just a second and leave me a review.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: It helps people find this podcast a lot easier.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And being perfectly honest with you here, it's really encouraging for me just to know that it's helpful.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: So helps keep me motivated.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's a bit of a selfish reason why.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so today I want to talk to you about something that has come up with several of my clients recently.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And my thought was, well, if they're dealing with it, it's probably something that some of you are dealing with as well.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, it's the fear of being nice to your spouse because you're not sure that you want to stay married to them and you're afraid that being nice to them is going to send them mixed signals or give them the wrong idea or give them some kind of false hope.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I am talking about ordinary things: giving a compliment, saying thank you, offering a hug, apologizing when you've been hurtful, just like being pleasant around each other.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: These are things that you don't even think twice about doing in other relationships.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: But because you're questioning your marriage, some of you are not doing basic, normal, nice, you know, pleasant things.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because what happens is when you are questioning your marriage, suddenly all of these small gestures can feel loaded with meaning.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you start thinking, well, if I give her a compliment, is she just gonna think that everything's okay now?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I give him a hug, is he gonna think that I want to have sex?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I start communicating better, are they gonna think that I've decided to stay?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and because you don't want to send the wrong message, you start holding back.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I want you to consider, okay?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: What if your attempts to avoid giving your spouse like false hope or mixed messages are actually making an already difficult situation worse than it needs to be?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, along those same lines, what if you could make everyday life a little bit better without making promises about the future of your marriage?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that's what I want to just briefly talk to you about today.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to start with just a very quick example.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like I like I said, I've had several conversations over the past few weeks about this, but very specifically, I'm working with a woman right now who has been unhappy in her marriage for a very long time.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like she's been married for over um two decades, and she's trying to figure out whether or not she wants to work through all the old problems and the resentment and all the stuff that's been the free years, or whether she, you know, wants to cut ties and separate and move on.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: So during one of our, and they're still living together, by the way.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So during one of our more recent conversations, she told me that her husband had done something that she genuinely appreciated, and she wanted to tell him thank you.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But she stopped herself.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was right on the tip of her tongue.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But she stopped herself because she was afraid that he would interpret that like you know, appreciation as a sign that things were getting better, that she was happy again, that maybe she had changed her mind about the marriage, which clearly she hasn't.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, she is not the only one that I've had these conversations with.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you guys, I totally get it, and you you get it too, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: When one person wants to save the marriage and the other one is unsure, you can interpret the exact same interaction very differently.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, like if you're the one who wants to stay, a little bit of warmth from your spouse might feel like tremendous progress.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're the one who's questioning the marriage, you might think, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get too excited.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to tell you that you did a good job, right?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And when those moments happen, you can totally feel that energy shift.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like their energy perks up either in confusion or with encouragement or both.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And your energy, if you're the questioning partner, will like stiffen up, okay?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and it's like you maybe go cold or you try to walk that back, right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then this happens repeatedly, and then you start monitoring your own behavior on a daily basis.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You become careful about what you say, how you act, even how you respond when your spouse does something nice, right?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can you guys relate to this?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because you think, gosh, I've spent all these years trying to get him to understand how unhappy I am.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if I start being nice again, he's gonna think that everything is okay.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I'm nicer to her, she's gonna think that I have forgiven her for everything.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, it's natural you hold on to the distance, the frustration, the tension, because you want your spouse to feel and truly understand how serious things are, how unhappy you are.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not necessarily withholding that thank you or the kindness because you don't feel appreciative or you don't feel kind.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you are withholding it because you're afraid of what it will communicate.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: But if your spouse doesn't know that you wanted to say something nice and you stopped yourself, all they know is that they're experiencing the distance, the coldness.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And this goes beyond acknowledging something, it goes beyond um affection.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You stop being polite, you stop saying please and thank you, you stop acknowledging the things your spouse does for you.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your tone of voice is cold or has a harsh tone to it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: These are the things that that some of you guys are doing.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe, just maybe you recognize that you've been sarcastic, critical, or defensive.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And logically, you know that those behaviors are not helping anything, but you're hesitant to do it differently because you don't want your spouse to think that you're suddenly invested in fixing the marriage.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You might know exactly what you could do differently to make those interactions better, but you don't do it.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so then the two of you continue interacting in ways that make you both feel like crap and it makes you both miserable.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I am not saying that if you're the person that's questioning the marriage, that you're responsible for fixing everything.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that there are years of hurt and resentment and broken promises and very legitimate reasons why you are considering divorce.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm certainly not suggesting that you pretend to feel kindness or pretend to feel affection that you don't feel.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but just think about this.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to make one of the biggest decisions of your life while continuing to interact in ways that almost guarantee that your relationship is going to continue to feel terrible.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to figure out whether your marriage can improve, whether you and your spouse are capable of having a different relationship, and yet you're contributing to an environment where neither of you has much of an opportunity to experience anything different.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say there is another layer to this that you probably have not considered, at least on a conscious level.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but I know it's happening because of all these conversations that I'm having with people.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you are afraid that if you're nicer, if you're kinder, if you're more warm, that your feelings are going to change.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, that is a whole nother separate episode, but I just wanted to throw it out there for you to consider, all right?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so talking about considering, here is a question that I really do think is worth asking.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: How much of what you're feeling right now is coming from the original problems in your marriage, the things from the past, and how much is being added to it by the way that you're currently interacting with each other.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because those are not necessarily the same thing.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're trying to determine whether or not your marriage can improve or if you want it to, it really does help to see what happens when something actually changes, when some little teeny tiny part of your dynamic shifts.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not because being nicer is going to magically fix the problems, or, you know, if you're afraid of feeling differently, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to feel differently, but it gives you information.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you've already decided that you don't want to repair the marriage, there is still value in making your everyday interactions less hostile and more warm, especially if you're continuing to live together while you're trying to figure out what happens next.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Being nicer to your spouse is not the same thing as committing to fixing your marriage.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can appreciate something your spouse does or say thank you without deciding that you want to stay in the marriage.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can give a compliment and it's just a compliment.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I hear you guys, but Carrie, what if I'm nicer and my husband or my wife thinks that I'm feeling differently about our marriage now, about our relationship?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what if?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: That might happen, okay?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if your spouse really wants to save the marriage and you're the uncertain one.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: But this is why honest communication is so important.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can be warm and still be clear about where you stand.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you do that?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because trust me, I've worked on this with several people at this point.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you might say something like, Look, I want us to be able to treat each other with kindness and respect regardless of where we end up.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I also need you to understand that I'm still trying to figure out what I want.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can be even more direct than that.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Look, I've been holding back from saying nice things because I'm afraid that you're going to think that I've changed my mind.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to keep doing that.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want us to be able to have a positive interactions without assuming that they mean more than what they do.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So what that does is instead of trying to manage what your spouse thinks about your behavior, you're actually having a conversation about it.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that conversation is probably going to be a bit uncomfortable.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your spouse might feel disappointed, that might say, Wow, gosh, okay, well, I thought things were getting better.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you can acknowledge that some things are getting better, but I'm still unsure about what I want.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: That, you guys, is a really important conversation to have.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're being truthful without being unnecessarily hurtful.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you're helping your spouse understand where you actually stand.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, if your spouse repeatedly ignores what you're saying, if they pressure you for reassurance, or if they treat your kindness as an invitation, like for more affection or sexual intimacy that you don't want, then that tells me that you need to have clearer, stronger boundaries.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to manufacture affection or to pretend that everything is like magically okay.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to stop withholding politeness and basic kindness out of fear, right?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of leading them on or fear of giving them a mixed signal.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm talking about here matters for a few reasons.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to interact differently can benefit you, regardless of what you ultimately decide about your marriage.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: First, your day-to-day life might simply feel better and less miserable, especially if you're living under the same roof.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: There is no reason to make every interaction more difficult or challenging or tense than it needs to be.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Second, if you're considering repairing your marriage, if that's even a thought, a blip in your mind, you need to find out whether meaningful change is actually possible.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that, you guys, requires some willingness to do things differently.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you continue repeating the exact same painful patterns, how will you know whether the relationship is actually capable of improving?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's what you want, you won't know.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, changing how you communicate, I just have to say this up front, does not guarantee that you're gonna want to stay, right?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you might discover that even when the two of you interact more positively, you still have serious issues and problems and resentfulness that you're unwilling to work through.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is valuable information too.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you decide to divorce, this is important because being able to communicate respectfully can make an incredible difference in how your divorce unfolds down the road and what life after is gonna look like.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you're probably gonna have to have conversations, I shouldn't even say you probably, I already know, you're gonna have to have conversations about your home, your finances, your possessions, and just like the logistics of separating.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you guys have children together, you're gonna need to likely communicate about parenting and schedules and birthdays and graduations and all kinds of things for years to come, right?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not trying to paint this beautiful like picture over everything.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting that if you do this, that your divorce is gonna be painless or that you can part as friends.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not every couple is able to part as friends, but there is a big difference between ending a marriage with ongoing hostility and ending one where the two of you can treat each other with some basic decency.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: The way that you communicate matters, regardless of which direction you ultimately end up going in.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I want to do today as I'm wrapping up this episode is I want to leave you with three questions, okay, for you just to reflect on and consider.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: First, what are you withholding because you're afraid of sending the wrong message?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe it's compliments, basic politeness, an apology, or even an effort to communicate more respectfully.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what are you holding back?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Question two, are you withholding this because it doesn't feel genuine or because you're afraid of how your spouse is going to interpret it?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now remember, there is a meaningful difference there.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to hug your spouse, you guys, don't hug your spouse.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: If saying I love you doesn't reflect how you feel, then don't say it.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if you genuinely appreciate something your spouse is doing or has done, then choosing not to acknowledge it because you're afraid of creating false hope is definitely worth re-examining.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the last question is, what is one small thing you could do differently that would improve how you interact without making a promise about the future?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe it's acknowledging something thoughtful that your spouse does.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's apologizing when you've been unnecessarily harsh or rude or cold, or maybe it's just simply allowing yourself to enjoy a pleasant interaction without immediately reminding yourself and them of everything that's wrong.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want you to pick one because you don't need to change everything.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then what you need to do is pay attention to what happens.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Does it make your everyday life a little bit more pleasant?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Does it make difficult conversations easier?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Does it help you see what is possible in the relationship?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or does it reveal that some of the bigger issues really do remain, even when you're making an effort?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, you are learning something, and that information is what can help you move toward clarity about what you want to do.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: So here is what I really hope that you take away from today's episode.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to make your life miserable right now just because you're unsure about your future.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can have real doubts about your marriage and still make an effort to make everyday life a little bit better.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And whether you end up staying or leaving, learning to communicate with honesty and respect is actually going to help you either way.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to leave you with this.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You may not know what you want to do about your marriage yet, but you can decide how you want to show up while you're trying to figure it out.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And look, if you're still trying to figure out where you stand, I have a free quiz.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Should I Get a Divorce?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can help you understand where you are in the decision-making process and what might be keeping you stuck there.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can find the link to the quiz in the show notes, or you can check it out by visiting my website, kahoskins.com.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great place to start if you're ready for a little more clarity about what comes next.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Carrie Hoskins.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to the Divorce Decision podcast.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great day.