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Diva Mia Grief to Growth: The Power of Self-Love and Reinvention · The Diva Details

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  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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  Music.
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  No filters, no limits.
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  Just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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  Hello, this is Diva Mia. Today, I wanted to talk to you a little bit about healing
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  your heart after a divorce.
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  Last time, I kind of went over healing your mindset after a divorce,
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  but the heart's a lot trickier to heal. It takes some time.
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  It may also be that you had a death of a spouse.
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  And how do you heal your heart after that? The mind you can work through.
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  You can logically and reasonably think through things. You can process things. You can go to therapy.
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  But truly healing your heart does take a little bit of time.
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  Heartbreak after divorce feels like grief. There's a lot of guilt.
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  There could be anger if there was an affair.
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  And sometimes there might even be a little bit of relief. It impacts your self-identity,
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  your self-worth. You can feel to your core that what happened?
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  Were you not good enough?
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  When you feel that way to your heart, it kind of changes the way you feel and look at life.
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  And the pain is normal. You're not alone. A lot of people go through the same
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  identity crisis, if you will, after a divorce, kind of wondering who they are,
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  where they fit in the world, where they go next.
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  It takes a little bit of self-reflection.
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  Some of the ways that you can work on this is to first journal.
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  I think that journaling is a wonderful way to get your feelings out,
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  especially if you have difficulty expressing your feelings.
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  Sometimes writing it down on paper, describing how you feel after a divorce
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  is the best way to get your feelings out.
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  I don't recommend writing letters to your ex that you're going to send. You could write one.
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  I don't recommend sending it because really after a divorce,
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  after things have settled down, it's time for you to heal, not time to have
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  a fight with your ex. So write down how you feel. Put it in a journal.
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  For instance, say, who was I in the marriage versus who am I now? Who do I want to be?
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  That's really the big question because you get to rediscover yourself once you've
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  gotten divorced and figure out exactly who you want to be.
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  And if you truly do self-reflect, you're going to probably look and say, you know what?
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  I wasn't very happy with exactly how things were or maybe how things finished,
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  but I get to dictate my future. The nice thing is, is the more you focus on
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  yourself, the more you'll grow as a person.
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  Breath work helps. It may help your heart as well.
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  Meditation. You could also create a daily affirmation ritual.
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  I like saying at the end of every evening, three things I'm grateful for,
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  three things that went well today, and three things that I'm focused on doing
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  in the future. And then I pray.
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  At night. And that helps me reground myself on a daily basis and helps me grow for the future.
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  You got to let go of the guilt and shame. You know, that feeling you get when
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  your heart hurts and you feel shameful or pity your stomach and you just feel
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  guilty about something.
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  You know what? Every marriage has challenges and nobody always behaves 100% perfectly.
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  And we have to realize that, you know, things happened and now you've grown
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  differently. And there were reasons for that, and those reasons have led you
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  to this current location in your life, and you get to decide what to do with that.
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  I like to also say rejection is God's protection. It may be that this rejection
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  is leading you to where you need to be as a person.
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  So keep your eyes open, because you may start to see signs that you're going
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  to be growing and evolving into a new person in a completely different direction.
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  Just because you did something in the past doesn't mean you have to do it in the future.
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  And then rewrite your narrative. I mean, that's huge because you've got to really
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  focus on who you are as a person and your self-worth.
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  You are worthy. You're not broken. You're not destroyed.
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  And now you get to write a whole new chapter to your book.
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  You need to learn to set boundaries this time. I think a lot of times when we
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  get into marriages, we allow
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  other people to walk right all over our boundaries. We may have had boundaries
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  when we were dating and were really tough and didn't allow people to walk all over our boundaries.
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  And now that we're married, the boundaries seem to disappear.
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  This time, let's hold to them because you should not allow anyone to disrespect you ever.
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  And if something happened and there was an affair or someone mistreated you
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  verbally or physically, you realize those are boundaries that you allowed to
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  get trampled on. And you can't do that.
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  You also need to look at your personal values. I remember that I was married
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  to a man that wasn't a big spiritual person, and I'm very spiritual.
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  As we evolved, I became less and less spiritual.
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  I also liked to work out a lot, and he didn't. So as it evolved,
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  I molded myself to fit his lifestyle, and I would never do that again.
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  I've now come back to who I am, and I'm looking for someone that fits me now
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  instead of someone that I fit into their mold.
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  So remember that you can rediscover who you are as a person and your boundaries
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  are going to help with that.
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  And when you look for someone in the future, make sure that they match you,
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  that you're not going to bend to match them.
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  You got to reclaim your joy. When you can start waking up in the morning and
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  you're happy first thing in the morning and you're happy all day long,
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  you've reclaimed your joy.
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  I don't think you can find it in another person. Another person can add to your
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  joy by all means, But until you have your own personal joy, you really don't
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  have any business going out there looking for another person,
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  because then you're looking for someone else to fill your cup or to fill your heart up.
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  You've got to learn to fill your own heart, because when you look for that joy
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  in someone else, there's actually a sign of desperation there,
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  and you will take people that don't match you.
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  Once you actually have complete peace and joy in yourself, you're no longer
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  desperate to find it in someone else. You're happy in your own skin.
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  You're happy in your own heart.
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  You're happy in your own life. And then the only people you're going to allow
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  in are people that add to you, not people that take away.
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  You're not going to allow red lines to be crossed anymore.
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  You're not going to allow red flags to be ignored. And when you're at that place,
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  then you're going to find the right person for you.
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  But if you go out too soon, you'll probably end up allowing or making excuses for bad behaviors.
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  Someone's not right for you but you're okay because
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  at least they pay attention to you someone's not
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  right for you but you know at least they're there and they
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  give you a little bit of comfort that's not what you're looking for you're looking
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  for someone that completes you someone that will make you feel whole even though
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  you already feel whole by yourself and if someone takes away from your wholeness
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  or your peace or your joy they're not the right one one of the great ways to,
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  find peace and joy is to try some new hobbies, something that you enjoy doing.
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  Maybe something you weren't able to do when you were married.
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  Maybe you want to travel.
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  Maybe you want to go on trips by yourself.
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  Maybe you want to do things at home by yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that.
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  I like to actually go to dinner by myself. It allows me to self-reflect.
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  I don't need anyone. And when you get there, you'll be like,
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  wow, this is really awesome.
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  Healing before dating is so important. I will say that I dated after my divorce
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  a little bit, but I dated with the knowledge that it wasn't necessarily going to be permanent.
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  I dated with the knowledge that I wanted to go out and have fun, and I told people that.
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  But if you're dating someone that's ready to get married, it probably is not
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  the right way to go. Not to say that it doesn't happen.
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  Every once in a while, you'll meet your soulmate right after you get out of
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  a divorce, but it's rare. And you do need to try out dating a little bit.
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  When you do this, make sure that the other person knows that you're just coming
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  out of a divorce and you're just beginning to date.
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  One of the wonderful things that I had actually happened was I met up with an
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  old friend and I had a nice connection with them and my heart began to feel again.
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  Now, at the same time, it did scare me a little bit, but I did get emotions.
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  It ended up not working out, but the reality was is that there were emotions
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  there. It could have grown into something.
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  The fact that I could feel again was so wonderful. I take that with gratitude
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  because I honestly didn't know that I could care for someone again.
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  And the ability to care for someone like that again was amazing.
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  The ability to get out there, it was so healing. It was so amazing to feel again.
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  That's part of your heart's healing, is to be able to put yourself out there.
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  One of the big things I had was I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to trust anyone again.
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  I put myself out there reluctantly, but I kept pushing myself to try new things.
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  It allowed me to feel again. Do I trust completely? No.
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  I have a lot of boundaries that are up again that are good and there to protect me.
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  I do feel like I lost a lot of innocence in my first marriage because what marriage
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  was and my expectations of what the other person would and would not do were let down.
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  But I learned from that, and I have recovered from that, and I now have grown
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  into a person that understands that boundaries are important no matter what.
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  And a little bit of the innocence does get lost in a marriage sometimes when
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  you get divorced, but you have to realize that long term you will be better for it.
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  One of the things you need to do when you start dating is just to make sure
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  that you don't put your heart out there.
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  Your heart needs to be protected after a divorce. And you may not be ready for a while.
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  Redefine what love is. Maybe you're an empty nester. You're no longer looking
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  for the partner that's going to be a good father.
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  Or a good mother. You're now looking for the partner that's going to be your
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  lifelong companion, someone that you want to travel with, someone that's interesting.
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  Someone that you can see spending time together with.
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  Whereas before, maybe you were looking
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  for the right person to be a father figure or a good mother figure.
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  And now you're looking for that lifelong companion.
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  Books and podcasts can help. This podcast hopefully will help you a little bit. There's dating sites.
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  We did a whole episode on dating sites and matchmaking.
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  There's social media to follow that you can learn for inspiration.
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  I will say some of the social media has been positive. Some of it can be very
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  uplifting when you're rethinking what you want. You know, it's interesting.
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  When I was dating before, I was so focused on my career.
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  And then I ended up getting married and having children. And then I was so focused
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  on my children. And now I'm looking for a person to travel with.
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  I'm looking for someone that can be a good companion, that I can talk to,
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  that I can be open and honest with and share all my truths and opinions and
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  not be afraid of that. And it's different than before.
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  I did not have that in my last partner, but that's what I want in my future partner.
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  You're going to look and you're going to say to yourself, Wow,
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  I've really evolved at what I'm looking for in a person.
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  And I'm looking for someone that matches me, but also that someone that's a
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  nice, strong man that I can lean on once in a while.
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  What you need to do is determine exactly what you're looking for.
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  When you have a death of a spouse, you have to heal your heart too.
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  There's a unique pain in losing a life partner. A lot of times you lose your belief of the future.
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  You go through all the stages of grief when you lose a partner.
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  You may get stuck in memories. You may get stuck in the past.
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  And the thought that you won't ever find love again is immense.
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  There's no way to normalize it. You're going to have waves of sorrow,
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  just like you do when you go through a divorce.
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  There'll be sudden moments of joy. Then you might have a wave of sorrow again.
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  There are support groups that I recommend you get into when you lose a spouse.
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  It kind of depends on how old you are when you lose the spouse too. Things change.
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  You might have young children. If you have young children, you're looking for
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  something different than if you are a retiree.
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  You're going to have to cope with the loneliness no matter what.
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  And it does get a little lonely when you lose a spouse, whether it's through
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  divorce or through death. Don't feel guilty when you smile.
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  Don't feel guilty when you laugh and don't feel guilty when you move on.
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  It's part of life and life is very short and healing is part of life and you
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  need to go through the process.
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  Sometimes when you go through either divorce or death of a spouse,
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  it might be time to sell the house or move to a place that doesn't remind you of them.
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  Or maybe you want to stay in the place because it does remind you.
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  But moving on means that you need to move on with your life too.
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  If you lost a spouse, maybe you can write them love letters.
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  You can write them love letters as if they were still there.
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  You can speak to them. You can pray. Sometimes just speaking to them out loud
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  makes them stay somewhere in your heart.
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  That's the thing about losing a spouse in death is that they never,
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  ever go away in your heart. You'll keep them forever.
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  When you're ready, you'll see little signs that you're starting to heal.
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  This is a little trickier than divorce because you need to take your time through
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  all the levels of grieving.
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  But if you can honor your spouse and keep him in your heart or her in your heart,
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  I think that is part of the process of moving on as well. You can let joy coexist with grief.
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  There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a betrayal to them.
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  There's a sense of bravery there. And then find your tribe.
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  Find some friends that support you. Maybe other friends that have lost a spouse.
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  Or meet other widowers that have lost their partners.
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  Therapy is a great way to go when you lose a spouse. Because there's going to
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  be a lot of emotions you may not know you've ever had. Because it's a step further
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  than losing a partner in divorce.
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  Losing a spouse to death means they're never coming back. you're never going
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  to see them again. There's things you can do as well. You can write them letters. You can journal.
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  Taking a walk in nature is so soothing for your heart as well. It will help you heal.
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  Sometimes create memory boxes or playlists or dance around and talk to them.
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  There's nothing wrong with allowing yourself some grace time to feel your grief.
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  Just don't get stuck in it because you still need to live.
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  You don't have to get over your loss right away, but you are going to have to
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  grow around it. It's always going to be there. That loss doesn't ever go away.
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  It does mean that you need to start to live again eventually,
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  one step at a time though.
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  Your heart will love in the future again. It may be that your heart just loves you.
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  So remember that and consider loving again someday, but you don't have to.
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  You are still here. You're still breathing.
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  You're still beautiful and you're allowed to live. If you think about it,
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  your spouse, when they passed away, they would want you to live.
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  They'd want you to do the things that they didn't get to do with you.
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  Maybe you will find another connection with someone. It's not going to be the same.
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  In fact, you don't want it to be the same. You want to have a person different,
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  someone that meets you where you are now.
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  In the future, you're going to find that love heals all things.
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  And the first step is to love yourself and to heal yourself and to enjoy your life where it's at.
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  And as you evolve, whether it's through a divorce or through a death,
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  You're going to find your power is in you, and it was always there.
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  You may have forgotten that it was there, but it's always there.
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  I wish that I could help everyone heal.
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  Hopefully this does a little bit, but I hope that in the future,
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  you will find your joy like I have, and your heart will be whole.
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  One day, you will realize that you love yourself more than you've ever loved
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  anyone, and that you are open to loving again. This is Diva Mia signing off.
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  Have a wonderful week. Thanks for tuning in.
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