Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 67. Overcoming your Financial Stress after Divorce: A Vulnerable Convo on Money Mindset

Transcript

67. Overcoming your Financial Stress after Divorce: A Vulnerable Convo on Money Mindset · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: We're cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Hi, love, welcome back.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Today we are going to talk about something we have never directly spoken about on the pod, and that is money.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: And you know it's funny when producer Joy and I are, you know, prepping for the episode, you got to kind of wonder is have we not talked about money?
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Because I haven't been ready to talk about money to this point?
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Right, did I have stuff I needed to work out around money before I could come and discuss this topic with you at the level that I want to be transparent and vulnerable with you?
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Well, also teaching, right, like, maybe I had some things to work out.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: So producer Joy and I were just kind of kicking that idea around as we were getting ready to go live.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: But, all right, let's talk about money.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: So, from the top, I sit here today with you acknowledging that this is one of the most triggering topics for people, that this topic runs deep inside of me and that one of the reasons I'm able to talk to you about it today is because of the work I've been doing with my homeopath.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Having been prescribed a very well selected constitutional homeopathic remedy, it has created shifts inside of me that have allowed me to have some breakthroughs that are going to allow me to talk with you about this today more vulnerably.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I sit here today with you acknowledging the ways that I am privileged right, that I certainly have, and I don't need to list them to you, but I know that I sit here today on my beautiful feather sofa with my French bulldog in my beautiful home, with my very real fiddly pig from a place of privilege, and that there are privileges that I have had that have helped me be here in this moment.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: But then I'm also very clear that I am obsessed with the Barbie movie and that what they talk about in Barbie that it is impossible to be a woman is also true.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: That as much as I sit here in my beautiful home talking to you about money, worried about you judging me for what I have, that I maybe can't relate to someone who has less is not real right, because I did not grow up with money, I did not grow up with any kind of wealth, and so much of what?
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: Of the abundance that I have in my life not all of it, but certainly so much of it I have created.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: You know, I've worked usually two, sometimes three jobs.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Most of my life.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Until very, very recently that has been the case and I put myself through college, scholarships, hard work, worked full time through college, through grad school.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I have certainly lived seasons of my life where all I had was debt and a chronic illness.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Like I have been in very, very dark places financially and I've been in fairly abundant places.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: This moment in time right now is not the moment in time where I have the most money that I've ever had.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I've actually.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: There have been other moments in time where I've had more.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: But what stands out to me about all of this love is that the most magical moments in my life have nothing to do with money.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: That is the most magical moment in my life.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: The most magical moments in my life have been when I have been deeply connected, laughing with the people that I love, when I have been deeply sad and someone I love has supported me and loved me well and just held space for me while I cried hysterically and then looked up and said, okay, I'm fine now.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: The most magical moments in my life have been where I have been in magical natural places, like standing at a shoreline or halfway between the top and the bottom of the Grand Canyon, like the most magical things in life have been free, right the moment I gave birth to my daughter.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: The feeling of falling in love, the sensation of an orgasm, like think about it, the most magical things it's the friendships.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: It's the way Lilliput looks at me, it's these things that cannot be created with money.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: And so this is a reminder to, because the season in life with divorce and what it does to the economy of a family, what it does to the economy of a woman, is brutal.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: It's brutal and I don't want to minimize that in any way for you that you cooked the babies in your body right and also pay the bills or something like that.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Right, you get the spirit of my message that we have more responsibility as women and less resource meaning in the way that the Barbie movie has highlighted for us in a patriarchal world, life and work is not organized around what works best for women.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: It's organized around what works best for men, right, so it's just a little bit harder.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: And then if you're a woman of color, harder still.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: You know a woman with a chronic illness, an invisible chronic illness, harder still, right, like there are just things.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: A woman with a child with an invisible illness or special needs like harder still, right, it's just layers of hard.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it feels like right.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: However, what I've seen for myself personally and what I've learned professionally is that we often mix up money and security.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Certainly, money creates a certain amount of security, right, like it does.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: It provides us a certain like food, clothing, shelter Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the things that we need in order to survive.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Money facilitates those things.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: But what truly facilitates those things, if you look the layer below the money, right, it's the connections with human humanity, it's the connections with our higher power, it's the security that comes from being in relationship with ourselves and with others.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Because even in our darkest days, love, think about it.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Like in my darkest days, it wasn't just relying on myself to make a couple of bucks that that solved the problem.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Right, it was the people who came behind me to hold me up when I couldn't hold myself.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: That then made it possible for me to then go to work.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Right, it's like true security comes from believing that I can and, if I can't, that there are people who love me, who will, and that my higher power has you know, my God is not a God of chaos, right, that all of this has a purpose and a path.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: That's where true security comes from.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: And tapping into that true security having it being a deep knowing and not just like an intellectually reassuring myself.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I am still experiencing deeper and deeper layers of that, as I keep experiencing new and fantastic healing modalities.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: So, love, be gentle with yourself.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: And while we have this conversation about money today, right, just be open, open, open to the idea that it's going to be okay, all right.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: So, money, you probably have less of it today than you had last year, right, and you probably have some doubts about your ability to have enough in the future.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: But if you relate to this at all, one of my I was saying this producer joy earlier one of my favorite guilty pleasures is a pity party.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I love a pity party so much.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Feeling very badly for myself and feeling like things are just not fair.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: It's one of my favorite things to do, okay, and money has certainly been one of the deepest wells of that in my life, okay.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: So this is where we get really deep on the pod and I say all the vulnerable, hard things.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I have in my marriage in this marriage, been the primary breadwinner.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: In my last marriage I was not, and I was annoyed about that.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I was annoyed about the patriarchy right, that my ex-husband made more money than me and that being a lawyer made more money than being a therapist.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: I thought that was very unjust and I didn't like that.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: I am competitive by nature and so it annoyed me that he made more right and now I make more money in this marriage and that also annoys me and it also feels like a lot of pressure to me, right.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: It feels like there is a lot of pressure on me to provide for my family in the way that I would like, right?
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: So look at that, look how my story about money that I don't want to have to be accountable for at all it has held me back in so many ways.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: It has caused me to self-sabotage in so many ways where I have been unkind to my husband.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I have been less proud of him in moments.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I have been very hard on him.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: I have been unhappy because of the way money has flowed in our marriage, right.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: And so what is that about?
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: It is about, certainly, patriarchal roles that have been set up, that men should be breadwinners and women should be homemakers right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: And feeling self-conscious about my family not fitting into that norm, because I want to fit in as much as I rail against it right, being our own selves and its fullest expression of ourselves.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And also it is me being in a pity party that I don't want to have to be fully accountable for my financial health and well-being.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: And maybe you can relate to that in this moment that it feels really unfair that you have to deal with the nonsense that your ex put you through, deal with the financial burden of divorce itself right, feeling like you had to pay for the attorney and the movers and a new home and all the things and the sneakers that you send over and then they don't come back.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: And right like just the financial burden of divorce and then the financial burden of having to provide for yourself.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: That it's a lot right, and so, no matter how much.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I validate that for you.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Love that.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: It's hard, and I've learned this the hard way, right, that no matter how many people I could convince that it's not fair that my husband doesn't make as much money as me, it didn't relieve the burden, right?
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Like, no matter how many people I could get on my side, like pity me, pity me, this is hard, tell me, it's hard what I'm doing.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Did it make more money?
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: No, it did not.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: And it made me less happy, right.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: And so this is where I want to point out to you that so much of our suffering in life is because we're in resistance with something.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: There's something we're resisting tackling or owning for ourselves.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: And and I just get it, you know, because at the end of the day, we've all survived 100% of these days, regardless of how much money we had in the bank account or how much debt we had, right, we've survived, we've made it, we've eaten maybe not well, but like we've eaten right and we've survived.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: And and I think sometimes we get really caught up in the idea that the more expensive thing is going to provide the better life, when that's really not true.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the more expensive thing provides a bit more comfort, but, but the reality is, is the best life comes from health, connection, sense of security and well-being, from being tapped into the things that bring joy?
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Because it's it's not the money that brings joy.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: And I do feel qualified to say that because I'm sitting on my feather sofa and I've also been, you know, many roommates crammed in a very inexpensive apartment in college, while working two jobs and going to school full time.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Right, I've sat in both spots and and I've sat in a place of chronic illness, and I've sat in a place of chronic mental illness and mental illness and know that the things that matter most are not being in chronic pain mentally, emotionally or physically.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Right, and so I want you to have the message today that I believe in your ability to innovate and to create, and I believe that you are here to create and that anytime we get tapped into our creative selves is when we are going to create abundance, whether it's financial or relationship, or you know, you name it.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: And so just this week, I was scrolling in the mom's group on Facebook and saw someone post I'll wash your clothes, wash dry, fold your clothes for $50 an hour, and I was like boy, that's clever, clever.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Maybe that's the side hustle I need, right, like I kind of low key love doing laundry.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I don't love folding laundry, but I don't mind it.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Like when we decide we're going to get innovative about creating, like that woman was clever, af.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Right, I have these resources to do this.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: And 50 bucks an hour I mean you got to subtract the cost of it, right, the water, the soap, the whatever.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: But like that's clever, I could wash clothes all night long.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: And if I was a single mom home alone?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Like that is clever, right.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: So I want you to believe in your ability to innovate and I wanted you to know that, if you feel insecure about money, that there are solutions to that and they don't have to be expensive.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: The solutions to our healing are often inexpensive.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: And and let me talk about that in a more nuanced and deep way because working with me one on one is expensive, right, it's expensive, but listening to this podcast is free, and it's one of the reasons I record the pod right, because nobody writes me a check to record a podcast.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: There's no direct financial gain for me producing this podcast and I pay an entire team to produce this podcast.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: And, and part of the reason I do this is because I feel like it's my responsibility to put out sound healing information and if someday that comes back to me energetically, fantastic.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: One of the reasons I have a very inexpensive right now it's free a martial of journaling program is because I'm going to pour so many of the solutions into that and then you can implement them and it's not going to break the bank, right?
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: Dr Mindy Pells, who teaches us about fasting and the amount of healing that fasting can do for us, for our minds, our emotions and our bodies that's free love.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: Is it hard Crap?
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, it is hard to fast for 48 hours at a time and maybe you're not even in a place where it's time for that in your healing journey yet, right, but it's free.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: Immersive journaling and the way I teach it.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: It's free.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: The way I teach people to add bilateral stimulation, meaning left, right tapping or, you know, eft tapping on a YouTube channel.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: These are all free love and they get deep into the subconscious mind and they create a healing effect.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: You know, what usually is very expensive Is having a coach hold us accountable.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: That's typically what is expensive, because most of the solutions are out there for us to have access to and they are free, but we struggle to hold ourselves accountable, we struggle to stay consistent, we struggle to use the tools day after day after day, and so then we pay people to help hold us accountable, to apply the tools, so that we can then get the results.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: But I don't want you thinking that you can't heal because you don't have access to the expensive therapist or to the expensive coach, because the answer is like message me, I will give you the answer for free.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: It's money is not the issue, love.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Our struggles are around mindset, around staying out of the pity party and around consistency over time.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: That's where we struggle.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: We struggle to trust ourselves, we struggle to trust God or a higher power, we struggle to trust that we're worthy or lovable, and we struggle to walk the path consistently.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And so where I want to validate for you that patriarchy is a real thing and being a woman sometimes is harder than being a man, and having enough money can sometimes have moments in time that are trickier than others, that that is not a permanent status, that the resources are here for you, love, and if you want to have a pity party, I will join you for a few minutes, like DM me about the things that suck in your life, and I will bandwagon with you for about six minutes and then I will say, okay enough, now what's the plan?
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Because there have been times in life where I wish people had called me on my shit sooner.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: There have been times in life where I have been stuck in the pity party about money or about being wronged in some other way that I wish someone had pointed out to me was be me being in victim mode and blocking my own power.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: Because that's real, you know.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I know that my fears about judgment right, what you think of me sitting here in this beautiful sofa has sometimes kept me small, sometimes kept me from charging more, because I worry about if I shine too bright.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Are you going to judge me and are you going to troll me?
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Are you going to have some shit comments about, right, how I must, how you think it is for me?
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Right, we keep ourselves small because we're afraid of rejection or we're afraid of being consistent, or we're afraid of who we'll turn into if we do it differently.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Do you know how many people have said to me I'm afraid to do EMDR because I don't know who I will be on the other side of it right.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: That is real.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: Your fear of rising and not knowing who you will be on the other side of it is real.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Love, I am the same me I was two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: At my core, I am the most me I have ever been.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: You know, what I have shed is the shitty behaviors, the shitty ways of treating myself and other people.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: That is what has shed as a result of this healing work.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: I am more me today.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I am less of an asshole.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: That's what healing has done for me.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: Right, I am less, I am in less pain, I am more in my heart, I am more confident and I'm obviously, as you can hear, so working through things alongside you, right, but I know what you're capable of and I know that the fears you have, you can shed them.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Love, one step at a time.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: It's a marathon, not a sprint.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: This is it's a lifestyle.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: It's a lifestyle of shedding the pain that holds you back.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: So tell me, right, tell me, what are the stories you're telling yourself about money right now?
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: What are the stories?
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Is it your, is it your special needs kid?
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Is it that your husband took half?
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Oh, I heard the best, the best version of the Kelly Clark Kelly Clarkson ABCDEFU, but she's saying it full out in Vegas one night, right, and she right.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: And the fact that you got half and the oh my gosh, it was, it was lit.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe I have to find it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: And like Lincoln in the show notes, like, what are the stories you're telling yourself about money?
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Because they're not true.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: They may be true temporarily, but they're not permanent statuses.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: Right, there may be some temporary circumstances, but now is the time to get clever and creative.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: And guess what?
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: Sinusism and negativity and resentment don't jive with creativity.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: It doesn't.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: You can't hold both of those emotional statuses.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Did I just get British status?
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: You can't hold both of those feeling states at once, right?
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: So you're going to have to choose.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: Do you want creativity and innovation and to rise, or do you want to stay bitter and resentful and small and it's tough?
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Right, like it's tough.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: And PS, it's tough because, as women, as they quoted in Barbie, women hate women and men hate women.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: It's the one thing we can all agree on.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: So, like, if you are successful, yes, women will hate on you, and if you are having a pity party, yes, women will hate on you.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: That is real.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: So, like, fuck that part of my language and pick you, choose you, choose to rise, choose your success, choose your new story and if you want to do pity, I will do it with you for a minute and then we are going to rise.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I love you so much and I know what you're capable of.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I know you're capable of investing.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: I know you're capable of building a business.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: I know you're capable of finding a side hustle.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I know you're capable of switching jobs, even though it's scary.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I know what you're capable of and I don't want you to figure it all out on your own.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to just say, well, don said the solutions are free, I got to find the solutions for free and then I can't hire Like.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: No, I hire the coaches and I ask for the guidance and I look for the mentors, right, and I ask for help in the places.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: But you know what?
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: So much also, mentorship can often be free.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: Find the mentors, ask for help, admit what you don't know and then rise and don't get caught up in thinking that the more expensive thing is better.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: So often love we are selling or being sold to.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Like, can you feel that in your Instagram feed and in your in the spaces?
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: Right, that either we are trying to sell somebody a version of reality or someone is trying to sell us a version of reality.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: That isn't what we actually need.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes a well-placed purchase is going to help us accelerate our journey, but so often we're being sold something that we don't actually need, and I really want to encourage you to be discerning about where to spend your money and where to spend your time, and when you need a well-placed bit of guidance to leverage that to catapult yourself into the next level of emotional success, of financial success, of parenting success.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Because so often what you need love is to look at the books you that are already on your shelves, to look at the courses or the journals you've already purchased, to think back to the advice you've already been given, and you need to put that into action day after day after day.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: That's what you need more than anything, and if you have questions about whether or not a particular healing modality is worth your financial investment, message me.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I'll give you my two cents.
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: Right, you've got this one foot in front of the other.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Consistency is queen love, and then celebrating your wins along the way, and if it means offering to do somebody else's laundry for $50 an hour, do it.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Whatever that version is for you, right, you've got this.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: I love you so much.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear Divorced.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Diary is a podcast by my Coach, john.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachJohncom.