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Light Bulb Moment · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: You're listening to Amma Mer podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Muma Me acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: This podcast is recorded on religion.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: We often talk about the role it plays in a
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: relationship to people coming from different backgrounds with different beliefs,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: but when you find the right person, differences in those
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: systems don't mean a thing if you know you want
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: to be together.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I'd been brought up in an Anglican church, which is
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: pretty traditional, but I'd never really continued that after I
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: was a child, whereas he was still entrenched in that
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: the Pentecostal side of church. He didn't want to have
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: sex before we were married, and I suppose I thought,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this guy, he has such good values.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I was willing to put up with that little bit
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: of torture for the sake of the relationship going forward.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: So when a relationship starts and progress with that being
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: the only difference you'd never expected to be something else entirely,
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: that blows up your marriage and ultimately your life.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: He jumped in the car, and I had my baby
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: in the back, and he pulled out a light globe
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: which bit of blue tack at the top, and the
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: straw and he even said to me, here, try some
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: you'll feel heaps better. That made me realize that I
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: could not have him around my children because he was
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: not a safe person. There was no way I was
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: going to let my babies be exposed or even near
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: him in this state.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. The year
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: was two thousand and nine, and a newly single, twenty
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: five year old Leah realized the hustle and noise of
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: big city life no longer felt like home. With a
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: new job waiting in her heart. Set on a fresh start,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: she packed her bags and headed for a quite a
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: corner of the country.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I was really keen to move somewhere new, where there
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: was a whole new pool of people that I could
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: actually meet somebody, and I suppose down the track settled down.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: I wasn't really ready for children and marriage straight away,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: but I was very keen to get out there and
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: start dating somebody on a regular basis. I moved into
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: a house with some flatmates, so I could get out
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: and meet more people, as I hadn't known anybody in town,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: and I had some really awesome flatmates I dated when
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I first moved here with a couple of guys, but
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: nothing ever really evolved to anything more serious, and I
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: got a bit frustrated and I was ready to move away.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: But just before I made that decision, I ended up
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: meeting Kyle, and yeah, everything sort of changed from there.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: He had a cousin that was a friend with my
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: flat mate, so that's how she met him, because she
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: didn't know anybody in the town either. So the cousin said,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: how about you go out and catch up with these guys.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: They're about your age, they know all the people in town. Yeah,
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: go out and meet some new people. So I'd moved
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: out of the house into an unit closer to work,
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: and they came and met up with my flatmate and myself.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Him and his brother were there, and they were both lovely.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: His brother had a girlfriend, but Kyle was on his
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: own and he came across to me at start really shy,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: but as the night progressed, like we got chatting, and
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: of course the drinks were flowing, and as we went
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: we got quite close. And you know, while I was
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: out that night, there was actually a guy that I'd
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: previously dated that saw me, and I just grabbed Kyle
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: and hugged into him and just said, look, just go
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: with this for the moment, to try and make this
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: other guy jealous. And from there, I think that really
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: helped speed things along. We ended up going back from
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: the clubs and there was a whole heap of people
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: staying at my house, so there was a lack of beds.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: There was a couch here and there, but he really
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: wanted to come and crash in my bed with me.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I was a bit like, oh, this is a bit weird,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: but I said, okay, if you leave the door open,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: that's fine. And that's where we had our first kiss.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: We were just probably lying there awkwardly for a while,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and then yeah, things evolved and we had our first kiss.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: And I kept saying to him, We've got to be
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: very quiet because everybody's sleeping right next door. And maybe
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: he thought from that that I was a girl with
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: some good morals and that probably didn't hurt.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: It didn't take long for them to officially start dating,
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: and for Leah, things were looking up.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Literally our first date ended up being a rock climbing session,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: so we ended up ab sailing off a cliff face.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So that showed me the saut of guy. He was
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: very outdoorsy, very into rock climbing and all that sort
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: of stuff. So and of course I was like, I'm
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: going to do this. It's not going to be a drama,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: and off we went. Me and my flatmate went as well,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: and we had to go at ab sailing and doing
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: some rock climbing. It showed me he's willing to teach,
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: and he was a really good teacher. He was really
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: good at showing us how to use all the equipment,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: really patient, he yeah, just showed a great love for
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: what he was doing as well then was really passionate
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: about it. So I thought he was so hot. I
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: really I was excited that, you know, somebody that hot
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: actually was into me. I suppose I've never had a
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: guy like that into me, so that was a bit unusual.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: I suppose I'm not a super confident people when it
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: is going out there and asking somebody out, so I've
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: always sort of taken a backstep to that. And yeah,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: just I suppose he was hot and he was lovely
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and I saw all these wonderful things that you know,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: he did. I knew he was somebody who had certain values.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: He was brought up Christian, and he had certain things
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: that he had discus with me previously. So one of
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: the big things was that he didn't want to have
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: sex before we were married. And that was a big
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: shock to me because previously that has never been an issue.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: And I suppose I thought, oh my gosh, this guy,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: he has such good values. I was willing to put
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: up with that little bit of torture for the sake
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: of the relationship going forward and move forward.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: It did.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: He wasn't great at talking about feelings like many men,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: so I wasn't expecting anything too exciting and too major
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: straight away. So we were just dating for a little while.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: And then at one point, I remember it was probably
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: about two months into the relationship, and we'd just been
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: to a wedding together one of his friends had gotten married,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: and he'd taken me along, and I remember lying there
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: at night thinking gosh, like this is it. And I
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: remember telling my flatmate as well previously that I think
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: this is the dude, this is the one for me,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: because yeah, everything has been going so well, we've had
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: amazing dates. We've been out kayaking and ab sailing and
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: bushwalking and camping and doing all these amazing things. And
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: that night after the wedding, I probably was a little
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: bit drunk, actually, and I tried to start having the
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: conversation and then I ended up in tears saying I
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: love you, and I remember him saying back to me,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: of course I love you.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: So that was.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a different way of doing it, but yeah,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: he'd obviously felt the same way, but it was a
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: matter of getting to that same point. Was a bit interesting.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: A year into their relationship, during a camping weekend, surrounded
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: by the beauty of the great outdoors, Cale took the
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: next step and popped the question.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Somebody that comes from that sort of background, that is
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: the next step. It's to get married. Yeah, so it
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: wasn't very long. Everybody was super supportive. My mum and
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: dad absolutely loved him. They got along really really well.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I go along well with his family and his brother
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: and his partner, so everybody was supportive. Everybody said, look,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: you guys have made for each other, like everything was
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: going so well. There was no hesitation whatsoever. I was
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: super stoked to be getting married and settling down. He
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: gave me a ring that didn't have any stone in it.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: It was a platinum ring and he wanted me to
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: come up with a design for the engagement ring, which
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: I thought was the most amazing thing ever.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: There was no point beating around the bush part in
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: the pun. Just eight months later, the wedding day was here.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: We had about one hundred and fifty people, their friends
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: and family, plus his church community so they came to
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: just watch the ceremony and it was just incredible having
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: people travel from all over Australia to come and watch it.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: He also had some family come from overseas, and it
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: was just amazing how many friends he has, Like he
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: had so many friends, he was so well respected that
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: all these people were there to support us, and it
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: was just an awesome wedding. It wasn't extravagant or expensive,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: but it was just everybody there that we loved together
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: one spot. The whole day was just incredible and it
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: was pretty much how I had visaged a wedding, and
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I even wore my mum's wedding dress that got altered
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: and it was great. We had it in a big
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: farmyard barn with a big fire. It was just, yeah,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: it was stunning. Everybody kept joking because my family and
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: friends knew that we weren't having sex, and that that
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: was something that I had been patiently waiting for for
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: a long time. I knew there'd be no worries because
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: pretty much everything had happened but that and yeah, so
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: they kept joking, and of course I was super excited
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: for the end of the night, so they'd go back
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: and yeah, actually have some fun.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: But it didn't take long for the fun to turn
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: to business, the business of baby making.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: We'd both spoken previously about how many kids we want,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: you know, what we want to see in the future,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: so we were both on the same page. He'd come
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: from a family of two children and I had come
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: from a family of two, so we were both pretty
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: much on the same page. That was what we wanted,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: and yeah, we wanted to live in the country, out
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: in the bush and raise our kids in nature. After
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: we got married, we actually decided to book a trip
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: to Kokoda and walk the Kokoda Track, and we did
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: that with his family and one of my friends, and
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: during that trip we decided that was it. We're going
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: to stop using contraception that we were going to just
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: see what happens. And not long after that trip, we'd
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: bought a property outside of town on some acreage, so
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: we had all this land and we had the bush
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: that we wanted, and it wasn't long after that that
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: we fell pregnant with our first child. I loved being pregnant.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I wasn't too crook. I was very lucky. I loved
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: the belly. He loved the belly. He thought a pregnant
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: woman is the most beautiful thing in the world. So
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: he was just overjoyed to be becoming a parent and
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: that was a really nice time. He did work away
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: a lot, so you know, I'd FaceTime him and send videos.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: But yeah, he was super excited, like everybody else was.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: This was the first grandchild on both sides of the family,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: and everybody was just super keen to meet this. Literally,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: we had a great relationship. Everything was going really smoothly.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: He was working a lot. He also started a side
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: business with one of his hobbies, like doing survival things.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: He was into that, and he was really excited to
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: be bringing a child into the world and just couldn't wait.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: And I was the same. It was really exciting, and
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: I'd never been super maternal or super clucky, but this
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: time I was ready. I think because I was thirty
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: and I was ready, and about twelve hours of decent
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: active labor, we had our first child. It was horrible,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: this little bean that came out and he had a
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: massive spot on his cheek. It was a massive little
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: mole on his cheek. But I didn't care. I thought
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: that was he was the most beautiful thing ever. And
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Kyle was exactly the same. He was just besotted with him. Yeah,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: we absolutely loved it. Having this newborn and taking him
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: home was just like, Wow, we're allowed to take this
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: child home. That's incredible. He was just loving giving him
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: cuddles and being as involved as possible while he was
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: home before he had to go away for work. I
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: had my mom and my dad staying up there on
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: the property as well, so we had that extra help.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: He wasn't the easiest baby in the world. Let's just
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: say that he had a lot of issues happening, and
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: as a first time mum, I didn't really understand. I
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: suppose what wasn't normal and what was normal. We had
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: a lot of issues with feeding. We thought it was
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: reflux and all that sort of colic or whatever they
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: call it. He did cry a lot. He wouldn't sleep much,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: he would cry all night, and we just thought that's
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: part of the normal parenting journey. Everybody has these dramas.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: It's just a matter of getting through and you know,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: putting up with this newborn time. We did struggle a
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: lot with I suppose lack of sleep, and I got
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: quite resentful and frustrated because I'd be doing all the
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: feedings and the night stuff. Because I understood that he
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: had to work a risky job, so I didn't want
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: him to be tied off going to work. So a
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: lot of the work did end up falling back on me.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I had my mum there to support as well, but
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: I was very reluctant to let her take the baby
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: away to then feed him. You know, I wanted to
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: make sure that I was there for everything. That first
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: mum guilt, I think it's always ever present. As time
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: went on and we found out that there was more
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: issues and more issues evolving from this little bub that
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: he wasn't developing as a normal baby would, that's when
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: things started to get more and more difficult in the relationship.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: There's more stress and pressure put on everybody. He was
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: the most gorgeous little baby, really happy, but you know,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: just would be crying and very hot. A lot a
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: lot of work, We had a lot of appointments, and
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: I suppose one of the big issues with having a
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: child that isn't developing as a normal child is the denial.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I think, especially from Kyle. He didn't believe that there
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: was anything wrong. He would eventually get there, it might
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: just be a bit slower. My mum used to work
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: with a lot of people disabilities, and I knew lots
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: of people with disabilities, so it wasn't strange to me,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and I always thought, well, if I have a child
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: like that, it's not going to be the end of
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: the world. But I suppose Kyle came from a background
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: where it was very much hasn't been exposed to that
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: doesn't understand that world. So having that new child looking
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: very differently to what he expected was probably something quite
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: confronting and scary for him. He really struggled, I think,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: to accept that side of it. He absolutely loved him
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: and absolutely it was an amazing father, but there was, yeah,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: that denial, and from his family as well. They were
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: very much in the point of view that we could
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: pray and that would help fix this child. You know
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: that he was broken, and that the Lord would be
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: able to help him talk or to help him walk
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: or anything like that. This was very difficult to sort
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: of reconcile that they didn't understand or they had that
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: massive denial towards him. And I suppose I saw him
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: as Yep, he has challenges, he has different things happening,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: but he's still him. He's our little man. He's an
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: amazing little dude, and he brought joy to absolutely everybody
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: he met. And I suppose I didn't see the need
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: to fix him so much. I knew that we'd have
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: to work on a lot of things and it'd be
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: a tough journey, but he is who he is. And
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I suppose I had a lot more realistic views and
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: that was very difficult. And as time progressed, Kyle really
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: stepped back from that parenting journey because as he got older.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: I suppose usually dads find it easier as the kids
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: get older, they can actually relate to their children, But
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: this was the opposite. He found it harder and harder
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: because the Bubba or now a toddler wouldn't do anything
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: that he wanted to do. So Kyle wanted to be
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: outdoors and making fires and playing with rocks, whereas our
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: son he was just not interested in that whatsoever, and
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: there was that lack of connection there.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: I think it was an incredibly tough time, but Lea
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: and I had always been a rock solid unit. Despite
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: the fact their belief systems were at longerheads at times,
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: they'd always found a way to talk through their issues
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: and work out what was best for their family.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: We would have arguments around beliefs, I suppose in terms
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: of him and his family being very religious and very
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: probably to more the right wing extreme side of it,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: whereas my family is more left and I was more
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: open to you know, homosexuality and climate change, whereas they
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: didn't agree with a lot of that stuff and were
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: into conspiracy. So I suppose I really struggled with that
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: side and with his support of his parents, and they
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: always had those very strong views which I did struggle
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: a fair bit to assimilate too. I also attended church
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: and really tried to fit into that church community, but
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: I suppose I always felt like a bit of a fraud,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: like I was there trying to believe it and trying
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: to really accept it. But I suppose in the back
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: of my mind I was always very down full around
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: all of that. I've been brought up in an Anglican church,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: which is pretty traditional, but I'd never really continued that
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: after I was a child, whereas he was still entrenched
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: in that the Pentecostal side of church, so they were
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: very involved in the church his family, and I suppose
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: I accepted it because I understood where they were coming from.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: But I just sort of, yeah, I would just put
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: up with it. I would push those feelings down and
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: just be like, I'm not going to make waves. I'm
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: not into confrontations, so you know, I'll go along with
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: the with the conversations they're having, but I still have
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: my own beliefs and values. So I suppose we did
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: clash a lot on those certain things. It was often
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: easier to put those conversations to the side rather than
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: keep pushing them because other things in the relationship were great.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: We both had great jobs, we both had the same goals,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: we got along really well, all our friends were really great,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: so we really didn't have other big issues. And I
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: understood that everybody has their issues in a relationship, you know,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: and there's often lots of times that people from different
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: faiths or religions end up staying together and making it work.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: So I thought, well, maybe, you know, this is just
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: one of those things that we have to have to
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: work with. Another big issue in our parenting journey was
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: the fact that I was very much the belief that
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: vaccines have a place and that they are needed to
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: assist with herd immunity, pretty much a science based approach,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: whereas Kyle was very much from that Pentecostal religious side,
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: where a lot of them, not all, but a lot
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: of them have that view of that vaccines mandated by
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: government and that government can't be trusted, so a lot
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: of those conspiracy theories and that vaccines are bad. So
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: we had a lot of discussions around that, but at
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: the time, Kyle trusted me to make those decisions, and
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I was quite happy that we'd had the discussions, and
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I knew where he sat, but he was always sort
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: of willing to go with what I ultimately decided in
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: terms of the parenting role. It was always a bit
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: of a struggle, and it did create a lot of
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: difficult discussions in the relationship around those different beliefs sort
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: of impacting on big decisions in life, like schooling and
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: medical decisions. There's a lot of things that you don't
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: realize where you've really got to align, and they are
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: massive life decisions. He made me feel that I was
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: lucky that he was willing to let me make those decisions.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: We had the discussions, and he might not have been
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent comfortable, but he wasn't as extreme as
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: his parents, or he wasn't as extreme as other people
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: at that point.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: So with his son's well being the ultimate priority, LEAD
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: took charge.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: I just got on with parenting and just continued to
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: do what I needed to do. I went to all
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: the appointments, and I listened to the doctors. I did
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: all the things. Whereas as Kyle would be more on
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: the side of, oh no, he's going to walk, he's
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: going to talk like that's not a problem, and he
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: wasn't as involved in the appointments or all that side
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: of things, and he did work a lot, so I
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: wasn't putting pressure on him to attend everything. But everything
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: fell to me, and ultimately, yeah, he pretty much stepped
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: aside and just let me handle parenting and being a mum.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: This made a lot of resentment grow in the relationship.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: I got really sick and tired of doing the bulk
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: of everything. So I'd be getting up in the morning
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: after having minimal sleep, and then he would be sitting
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: on the toilet like every man for about forty minutes,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: avoiding any responsibility until it was his time to go
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: off to work. So I literally got no help in
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: the morning. And I ended up going back to work
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: after about ten months, and I was working about four
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: days a week, and I really struggled. I was tired, exhausted.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: I had to drive about forty minutes in the country
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: to get to where I was, so at some points
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I was super tired, Like I remember thinking this is
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: bordering on dangerous in terms of driving. And then I
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: pretty much had a bit of a breakdown. And after
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: about eighteen months of looking after this Bubba, who absolutely adored,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: but I was diagnosed with post natal depression. Trying to
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: fit everything in. After I got diagnosed and the doctors
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: recommended that I go on antidepressants, that was a big issue.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: He didn't want me to go on antidepressants because that
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: was something that, you know, I could just tough it out.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: It was something that you know, you just work through.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: You don't need that assistance. And he didn't agree with
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: me going on antidepressants whatsoever. So I held off on
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: doing that for a little while, probably a few weeks.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: But in the end I had very strong support from
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: my mum, who has a mental health journey herself, and
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: from friends, and they said, no, you've got to go
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: onto these antidepressants just to get you through. I think
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: that really put a lot of pressure on more in
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: terms of creating that bigger wedge between us in terms
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: of our medical views. That he didn't agree with it,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: but he wasn't going to stop me from doing what
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: I had to do. From that point, everything sort of
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: settled down a fair bit. I went back to work
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: just three days a week, which was more achievable he
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: was working away, and I managed to get our son
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: into daycare, so that took the pressure off a lot,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: and everything sort of went back to normal for a
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: fair while.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: And wild things were feeling normal again. There was no
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: better time to go on a little getaway and spend
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: some much needed quality time together alone.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: We were really lucky that Nana decided to take a
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: little man for a few nights, and I was so excited.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is amazing. We're going to go
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and stay in an airbnb and a beautiful little country
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: town and have some great adult time and just not
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: have to deal with crying baby at night. So I
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: was super excited. And on the trip to the airbnb,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: which was a few hours away, I had a headache.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I don't drink enough water, so I just had a
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: mic starting to get a migraine. So I thought I'll
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: pop a couple of panadines. Because back in the day,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: that's when codine was not you didn't have to get
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: it prescribed by the doctor, so everybody could get some panadine.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: And when I said, oh, look, I've just got to
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: pop a couple of panadine because I've got a headache,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Kyle said to me, oh, can you just chuck me
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: one as well? And I said to him, I was
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: just astounded because I was like, why, you don't have
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: a headache and he was like, no, no, no, just
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: give me one. It's fine, And so that really sent
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: some alarm bells off. I was like, what is going on?
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And then we had a blown out argument on the
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: way to this romantic getaway about the fact that he
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: just does this every now and then because it makes
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: him feel nice and gives him a slight buzz, and
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not going to be giving you panadine.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: This is a problem, Like this is not normal. And
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: by the time we got to the accommodation things had
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: settled down. We'd had a bit more of a chat
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: about it, and he was like, look, I'm not going
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: to keep doing this. Obviously you don't agree with it,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: so I'm going to stop that. And I was under
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: the impression that he was going to stop it.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Lea didn't love this at all, but she knew Kyle
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: liked to have fun, and importantly, he knew how to
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: control himself, so there wasn't anything to worry about.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Kyle was always like to drink and he'd always finished
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: the first two drinks very quickly. He was a regular drinker,
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: and he'd just have a few after work generally, but
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: as time went on that grew and grew to like
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: sayb three to four to two a six pack, so
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: then he could fall asleep at night, which was quite frustrating.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: But he also in his younger years had also dabbled
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: with recreational drugs like speed, and that was just something
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: that I knew was in his past. You know, lots
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: of people do that. It's just something you do when
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: you're a teenager and you're rebelling, as he would have
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: in the household. In school that he went to, it
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: was very strict religious, so that was not something that
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: really concerned me. Yeah, So the drinking, as drinking is
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: pretty socially accepted. He would drink a lot at parties too,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: but he would never really seem affected. He was really
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: good at holding his drink. He would never get violent.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: He just had a great time. Those alarm bells around
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: the fact that he was using codeine. I was just,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I suppose in a way, I was super alarmed, But
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: then I also just pushed it to the back of
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: my mind, like we dealt with it at that time,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: and we didn't really need to keep bringing it up.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: He said he was going to fix the problem, so
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I had no reason not to believe it.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: After a brief escape from everyday life, reality came rushing back.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: Lea dived once again into the search for a clear
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: diagnosis for their son, while Kyle's mind was occupied with
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: something else.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Altogether, we were struggling to get a diagnosis for him.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: We didn't know what was going on. None of the
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: doctors were helpful. We were having troubles with seizures. He
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: only walked when he was two, so we were struggling
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: with getting him walking and moving around. He wasn't talking.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: So there was all this stuff going on that I
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: was so invested in and concentrating on that I suppose
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't really see a lot of what Kyle was
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: up to. He was doing his own thing. He was
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: working a lot. He started his own little business, so
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: that was going really well, and he would always be, Oh,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: I've got to work, I've got to work. So he
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: wasn't in helping me. The main thing he wanted to
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: be was a really good provider for the family, not
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: only just in terms of monetary provision. He really wanted
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: to be able to if the world ended, as the
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Bible says it will eventually. When that happens, he wanted
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: to have us ready to go. You know, we could
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: make our own fire, we could collect our own water,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: we could make our own tools. He was into gardening,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: so he really wanted to grow all these vegetables and
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: make sure that we were self sufficient. That was his
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: way of providing for the family. This really annoyed me sometimes,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Like I loved the fact that he was trying to
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: do these things, but it was always to the extreme.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: He would pick everything to the extreme. He would go
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: down a rabbit hole of how to make stone tools
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: for so long, and then he'd move on to the
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: next topic, so then he'd be going into the how
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: to filter water or how to make rope from scratch.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: So there'd be all these different things. And I liked
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: the fact that he had such a wonderful hobby that
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: was a positive hobby, but at the same time, it
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: really took away so much time from our family and concentration,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: and that's all he wanted to talk about. So I
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: got very frustrated a lot of the time about these
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: things and just said, look, I don't need this to
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: be provided. I need come and stability. It was always
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: something that was always there, just chipping away a little
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: bit all the time.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Despite all this, breakthrough finally presented itself, as did another
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: life changing decision.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: We had finally got the diagnosis for the other child,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: and we decided since there was no red flags. He
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: had a red genetic condition, but that wasn't going to
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: be passed down to their next child because it wasn't
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: passed on from us. So we decided, let's go again.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: We fell pregnant really really quickly, and yeah, that was great.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: We were at a good point when we fell pregnant.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: And yeah, he was again super excited to have a child.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: There was going to be a big age gap about
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: five years between the two kids, so that at least
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: our other child would be close to going to school,
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: so we'd have a bit more ability to have a
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: baby around. And yeah, like I was excited. I was
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: a little bit nauseous at the start of this one,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: which was a bit worse than the last pregnancy. But yeah, again,
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I love being pregnant. I loved having the belly and
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: that was really exciting time of the life of our life.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: When I was pregnant with my second child. We decided
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: to go again, and you know, everything was quite good,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: apart from those few little hiccups. He had invited his
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: cousin to come and stay with us because he needed
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: somewhere to live, and they were really close and had
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: spent a lot of time in childhood together, and his
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: cousin was, you know, a lovely guy. I really supported him.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: He had a lot of health issues. He was unemployed,
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: so and he wanted to come out and help with
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: the property. So I thought, this is fair. We've got
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: a donga that you can stay in. It's all a
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: non issue. So he came out, and then there'd be
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: a night here and there that they would go off
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: and they would have these spiritual experiences, which they tried
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: to sell to me that it was them talking to
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: God and having an actual experience with angels and demons.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: And I was just so tired and I said to them,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: look what is going on, Like this is crazy. And
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: in the middle of it, there was no sense being spoken.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: They were clearly in another world literally, So I would
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: just try and ignore it go to sleep, but I
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: was so angry, like this was just ridiculous. And in
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: the morning he would usually come and say, look, I
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: yeah we did speed last night and say I'm sorry,
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: like this is what happened. And I felt like he
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: always owned up to what he was doing, so I
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: didn't feel like there was deception, and that's maybe why
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: I thought that, you know, he was doing the things.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: He was saying. He was, you know, just here and there,
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: just having a little bit of speed, like once every
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: few months, and just to enjoy his time with his
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: mates and have those spiritual experiences. And I was trying
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: to support his spirituality as well and not just be
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: like the not understanding. I always try to be understanding
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: and empathetic. But yeah, I probably took it a little
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: bit too far. The second pregnancy flew by really really quickly,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: so I went into labor naturally. With this birth, my
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: waters broke at home and I was like, this is
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: super exciting. I'm going to be on t I don't
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: need to be induced. This is amazing. Kyle was meant
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: to go and do some work that day, but he
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: managed to call up cancel it. All good done, and
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: we needed two cars in town for some reason. I'd
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: drive my car down Snana's house and drop off our child,
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: and then from there I would go straight to the
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: hospital and he would come and follow behind because he
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: had a few jobs to do before he left. And
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: I said, that's fine, I'll meet you at the hospital.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: You come when you're ready, and yep. Off. I went
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: got to the hospital, settled in, started having mild contractions
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: and everything was going well, and he rocked up about
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: an hour and a half later, and yeah, from there
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: things got weird. So the whole way through the labor,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: he was acting super strange. He was comparing to how
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: life was like creating a fire, how a woman and
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: a man, how they make the babies, like make fire
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: with sticks, and comparing it to natural things. And he
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: was just very strange, and I suppose I was in labor,
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: so I was sort of trying not to concentrate on him,
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: like he wasn't my biggest worry at that time. He
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: was very also very paranoid around people coming into the
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: room and who they were, and he was very paranoid
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: over the doctor's advice. He was causing me so much drama.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: He didn't want me to have any drugs. And I
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: had been in labor for about about ten hours, and
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: normally with your second child, it comes and happens pretty
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: quickly and straightforward. But after ten hours nothing was really happening.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Everything had slowed down, and at that point I was like,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: I'm done, I'm ready for an epidural. And he did
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: not want me to have an epidural. He said, no,
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: if you listen to me, We're going to get this
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: baby out in the next half an hour. And so
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I remember thinking, oh my gosh, get him out. I
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: just wanted the nurse to take him out, but I
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: couldn't put it into words, and she was The nurses
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: were great, but they didn't understand what was going on,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: and they didn't understand how frustrated I was. And the
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: doctor came in and he said, look, you've got this
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: thing called a bandal's ring, which is where the baby
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: gets stuck in your uterus, and we're going to have
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: to do an emergency caesar. And by that time I
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: was like, yep, do it. I don't care. I just
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: want this baby born. The epidural was the most wonderful
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: thing I'd ever had. I wanted to kiss the anethesis
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: and he was super grumpy because he didn't want this
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: to happen, and he decided he kept saying to me,
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: if you listen to me, we'll get this baby out.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: You don't need to listen to the doctors. So I
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: just remember get him out of the room. I was
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: so angry. I even tried. I think I physically tried
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: to push him away from me. A couple of times,
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: and in the end the doctors took us off. He
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: had no choice. We had to go and get the
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: emergency caesar. Yeah, that all happened. That was all fine.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: We had it. We met our baby and he was
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: just beautiful. I remember lying there thinking, this is just great.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: But everything that had happened throughout the whole labor I
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: had completely forgotten about, and you know, I had to
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: get stitched up and everything. So he was off looking
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: after baby, and that I suppose gave me a bit
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: of a break from the crazy after that long day
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: and probably having the emergency birth happened at about ten pm,
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: went back to the rooms and I remember saying to him, Okay, look,
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: it's good. We'll tell everybody that he's been born. You
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: head home, like you can head home because the fathers
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: aren't meant to stay in the hospital. And he was like, nah, no, no,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere. I said, well, you're not allowed
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: to stay here. We asked the nurse and she said no, no,
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: you can't sleep in here, like it's just protocol. So
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: he was like, oh, I'll just sleep in my car.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: So he decided to instead of going to a friend's
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: house that was just around the corner. He wanted to
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: go and sleep in the car, and he did this
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: for about three nights in a row that we were
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: in the hole hospital. He decided to keep going and
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: sleeping out in the car during the day. We're in
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: private hospital, so we got a bit longer. And they
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: understood that I had a child with a disability at home,
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: so I think that's why they gave me a little
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: bit longer. We had about five days. He would come
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: in and he would just sleep. Kyle would just lie
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: and sleep with the baby all day. But then if
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: somebody wanted to come in, and because it was a
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Catholic hospital, he was so wary of the nurses or
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: anybody coming in. And we had a one of the
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: I suppose the guidance offices come in from the Catholic
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Church to give us a little token of congratulations on
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: your baby being born. And he wanted me to throw
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: this little token away because he thought it was evil.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: That was another thing, and there was just the paranoia.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: We couldn't decide on a name, so I remember him
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: staring at the ceiling and asking for God to give
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: him a sign of what the name was, and I
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: remember him saying, can't you see it? Can't you see
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: the name? And I was like nah, And so I
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: ended up coming up with the name. But in the end,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: it was just it was all so strange, and I
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: was crying every day because he was just doing my
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: head in but I didn't understand why, and I think
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: he was very good at making me feel like I
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: was in the wrong. I was the one who didn't
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: believe enough in God, and I didn't believe enough in
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: all the Catholics wanting to come in and give us
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: tokens of the evil God. So yeah, there was all
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: this happening.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: We had lots of visitors coming as always. His family
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: always wanted to come in and see the baby, which
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: was good but frustrating because it was just not a
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: great time and he would put on a good act
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: for them, but then go back to sleep once they went.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: It wasn't until my friend Shelley came in. She was
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: a neonatal nurse and so had a lot of experience
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: in this area and had seen all sorts of crazy
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: things as she worked in the public system, and she
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: was great to see. She came back out and I
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: remember a few days after I got home from the hospital,
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: she said to me, what's wrong with Kyle, And I said, yeah,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know. He's just acting really weird. I don't
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: know what's going on. And she said to me, I
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: think he's on something, and that finally made it click
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: for me, and I said to her, Oh, he's had
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: this problem with codine in the past, maybe he's back
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: on that. And she just nodded and said, yeah, I
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: would ask him. I would have a chat with him
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: about that. So that gave me food for thought. In
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: that moment, everything sort of made sense. The sleeping all day,
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: the weird paranoia, trying to make decisions for me over
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: a doctor, all those things. It sort of was like, Oh,
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: maybe this is why he's acting weird. He's not normally
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: like this. So it really dropped a bomb on me,
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: and it scared me a lot, but it also gave
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: me a reason and it made me feel less crazy
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: because I was made to feel like the crazy one
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: that whole time. I felt like I wasn't being supportive
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: enough of him and his beliefs and his God. And
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: it was weird because it made me feel good, but
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: it also made me feel like crap, because I had
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: to then battle with this problem potentially.
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: With the newborn and with Kyle acting increasingly off. Leah
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: planned to spend the first week out of hospital in
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: familiar and comfortable surroundings.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: I ended up moving into my dad's house because I
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: had to be in town and be closer to everything
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: because I'd had a caesar so I couldn't drive, so
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: I decided to stay at my dad's house. And he
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: was still staying at home with our other child. And
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: this was probably about a week after I'd given birth,
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: and we'd also been having trouble with our second child
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: having tongue ties. But apart from that, he was perfect.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: I was amazed by how well a baby can actually sleep,
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: and so I was like, oh my gosh, this is
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: what it's like to have a quote normal baby. And
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: so I was just getting along with things again. But
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: he came in one day and I thought this is
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: the perfect time. My dad wasn't home. I said to him,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: what is going on? What happened in hospital? What are
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: you taking? Are you on anything? And he sat there
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: and I could see his mind ticking over. He was
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: thinking do I actually tell her or do I just
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: but he decided. He said, yeah, I'm on something and
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I said, oh, is it codeine? And he was like, nah, nah,
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: it's actually I'm on ice. That blew my world apart.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: I'd never realized how serious this had gone, it would
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: gone to the next level. Everything started to fall into place.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that's what you were doing with
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: your cousin. Your cousin used to make that back in
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: the day. Clearly, you guys have got your hands on it.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: So even though how much I hated it, everything started
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: to make sense. I stayed at my dad's for longer
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: because I decided I needed a break. At that point,
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: I wanted him gone, I wanted him out. I just thought,
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: at that point, he will stop taking this. Now. We
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: know that's it. He's going to come off it. We
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: know he's going to go and get help. And you know,
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I've got all this support. He's got all this support,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: he'll be able to fix himself up. And I thought, oh,
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: give it a couple of weeks and he'll get himself good.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: So at that point I didn't know exactly how long
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: he'd been doing it for, but I know on the
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: day that I gave birth, he had done ice that
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: morning before he left to come and see me at
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: the hospital, and he told me that, and I think
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: he obviously played it down because I wanted him out
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: to go and get himself sorted. But I didn't see
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: this as a risk to our relationship. I thought, this
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: is just this is just one of those issues. I
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: knew his dad had had addictive problems back in the past,
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: and you know, I've seen it in families, and I
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: knew that people can get over their addictions. So I'd
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: put these rose colored glasses on that he's going to
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: get himself sorted. He he's an amazing dad, He's got
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: an amazing job. Like people like this, they don't they
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: don't turn to drugs like these people don't end up
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: being drug addicts to the rest of their lives. It's
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: just a little bit of an issue we're going through
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: right now, and we're going to get it sorted. So
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: I stayed at my dad's for the next four or
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: so weeks for a few reasons, to be closer to everybody,
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: and the fact that I couldn't drive, so I wanted
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: to be in town. I also wanted to have that
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: distance and to make sure that I could get some
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: rest and be closely supported as well by family, and
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: then yeah, like just have that a bit of a
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: separation for a little while, Like it wasn't official, Like,
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: just have a bit of a break from him and
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: his drama for a few weeks while he got himself
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: sorted over that time, I believe that he'd got himself
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: off it. He'd continued to drink, like that was just
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: a thing he did, but he seemed to get back
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: on track. He was starting to act normally again. There
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: was no issues with work. Yeah, he'd said he's not
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: taking it and I'd ask him, and he'd always get
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: so angry if I'd ask him about it, because that's
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: something just believe me. Why don't you believe me? That
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: was a big thing. It's always like my fault if
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: I don't believe him, because you know, why wouldn't you
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: Why wouldn't you believe me? Because I'm telling you this,
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: this is how it is. I'm the man, you're the woman.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: And that was another thing. He'd always have this thing about,
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: I'm the head of the house, so I make decisions
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: with you, but ultimately, I'm going to sail this ship.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: And this is what's happening, So Lee decided to believe
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: him and they gave it another shot.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: So he got his act together for a little while,
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: and we decided to move into a house in a
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: town that was a bit closer to the main, bigger town,
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: away from the farm, and we'd still keep the farm
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: area for his business that he'd set up. And that
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: was a really good move for me, as in we'd
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: be closer to the help I needed and closer to
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: his family, and the house was his grandma's old house
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: so that we could move in there and not pay
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: any rent. So yeah, so that was all going really well.
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: But then COVID happened, and he'd actually so he'd had
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: all this excitement happening and bubbling away. He'd been doing
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: all these amazing things with his business, and he'd been
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: now working full time on this business, and he'd had
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: all these opportunities to go overseas and actually film a
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: show overseas. He was ready to pack and get ready
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: to head overseas to shoot this new show that was happening,
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: and that was just keeping him alive. He was so excited.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: He was doing really well. And yeah, then COVID hit
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: and so we called up defat to check to see
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: what was going on because of COVID and the restrictions
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: that were starting to pile on from different countries. Because
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: we had a return ticket booked, he was going to
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: be able to get in, stay there for a couple
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: of months, and then come back, and they said to us,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: do not go. You will not be getting back. So
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: in a snap, like it was, within a couple of days,
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: he had had to cancel that, cancel the show, cancel
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: all these plans that he had going forward to move
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: his next step in his career. And we were restricted.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: We couldn't go and do the business stuff that we'd
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: been doing previously. And yes, so we ended up just
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: being stuck at home together like the rest of the world.
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: So I had a say, a four month old and
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: a four and a half year old with me at
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: that point, and so we were hunkered down like everybody else.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: And he decided he was going to garden his butt off.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: He went nuts with the gardening because that was the
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: way he was going to provide for our family. He
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: was going to plant all the veggies and make sure
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: that we had a solid food supply going forward, especially
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: when the world ended and As COVID went on and
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: things got harder and harder, he gardened more and more,
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: and he had lots of more and more in depth
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: religious conversations with his friends and family, and started that
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: paranoia started to build up again. After I suppose the
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: worst of it passed and we decided to purchase a
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: van for our business, and so we went away and
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: we had to also pick up the van, and we
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: also had to go and get an EEG for our son,
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: our oldest son, who had all these problems, and we
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: thought all make it into one trip. But I remember
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: driving back he pretty much slept the whole time and
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: was going back into that pattern of sleeping all the time,
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: being paranoid, having these weird, long religious conversations with his family,
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: and just doing my head in in terms of wanting
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: to provide for the family and make sure that we
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: had food when the world ended. So at that point
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: I'd gone back to his mum and dad had said, look,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I think this is happening again, and they didn't believe me.
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: That was another thing is that his family was always
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: in denial around it, and they thought, oh no, this
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: is just a little issue, a bump, that's happened, and
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: we're going to get over this. It's not a biggie.
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: So an incident happened one afternoon, and I knew I
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: had to go back and ask him about what he
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: has been doing in terms of his drug use, because
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: all the signs were leading back to that addiction pattern.
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: And his mum came over and I remember sitting there
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: on the couch with him, saying, what is going on?
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: Are you taking drugs again? And he was like, I'm
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: not on anything, nothing's going on, blah blah blah, and
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: he just stood up and stormed out of the house.
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: And I knew at that point that it was happening,
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: and his mum's sat there and yep. I was just yeah, okay,
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: this is happening again. But we'll be able to get
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: over it. Yep, we'll be able to deal with this.
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: His family were very of the mindset that we're going
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: to get him into rehab. We're going to be able
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: to deal with this. This is not an issue that's
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: going to blow our lives up or anything. It's just
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: something we have to deal with. They were ringing rehabs,
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: they were ringing the family Support Service, all those different
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: things to make sure that he could get the help
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: he needed. But you know, it took a lot of
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: time for him to actually then admit he actually needed
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: that help. And so that afternoon I kicked him out
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: of the house and said, you need to go and
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: stay with your mum and dad because you're not welcome here.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: It was absolutely horrible. I hated it, but I suppose
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: I'd been through these conversations before and I was just
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: done at this point. One thing that kept reoccurring is
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: the more and more I moved on with all these
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: dramas and hassles, I felt less and less invested, and
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: I felt less upset as time went on, because even
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: when we had arguments, if I wasn't super upset and
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: super wanting to make it all better, I could tell
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: that this was not going in a good direction. I
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: just didn't care, and I knew I really wanted him
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: to go to rehab. I thought, like them, oh, this
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: would really really help. So about three months after this
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: incident happened and I had to kick him out, they
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: managed to finally get into a rehab and he had
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: finally admitted that he was using again, and he decided,
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: with the help of his mom and dad and his
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: brother that he would go to a rehab and start
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: the process of detoxing and getting well again. And his
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: mom and dad actually even helped him detox And it's
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: the worst thing I've ever seen a grown man squirming
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: and groaning on the ground. And it's definitely taken a
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: toll on his mum and dad. His dad's had a
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: herd attack and lots of health problems, and that's probably
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: exacerbated by the fact that they've had to go through
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: trauma watching their own son virtually nearly dying from withdrawal
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: of drugs and alcohol.
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: With Kyle in rehab, there was hope he would get better,
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: but that hope soon came crashing down. Right before he
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: was due to come home.
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: It was New Year's Eve, and I think a few
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: of them from the rehabit decided to go out and party.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: So and it's a voluntary thing, you're not forced to
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: be there in rehab. So they had left the rehab
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: to go on news and then the rehab said Nope,
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: you're not welcome back, and that was just devastating. Yeah,
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: that was devastating because he had been calling me and
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: I had been in contact with him during his stay
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: in that rehab, and he rang me that night of
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: New Year's Eve and I was alone with the kids,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: all on my own. I was already so depressed because
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: I'm like, how this is not how I want to
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: be spending New Year's Eve. But he was calling me
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: and he was off his face, and I could tell
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: that he was just making everything worse and worse. And
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: I ended up having to hang up on him multiple
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: times because he was just yeah, talking crazy things and
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: still trying to you know, I love you. I'm going
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: to come back. It's all going to be fine. So
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: then he got kicked out, and I think I think
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: his dad ended up driving down to get him and
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: bring him back. And he's always been welcome at his
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: mum and dad's house. He's got a spot there for him. Yeah,
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: he's always had that place to go if he's really
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: has nowhere else to go. So after our his first
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: in in rehab, he moved back to his mum and
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: dad's house, and he still had contact with the kids.
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: He would try and come around and visit and make
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: sure he caught up with them, and they would love
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: seeing Dad. It was so exciting to have Dad back
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: home but he would only just stay for a little
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: amount of time, and I would often have Nana come
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: around as well. The few times he did come around
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: on his own, generally it ended in an argument. The
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: first hour might go okay, but then after that it
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: would end up into that paranoia, Oh you know, I'm
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: just doing this, this is what I need to do.
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: You know, you don't trust me, trying to make me
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: feel like the bad guy of course for kicking him out.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: And in the end, yeah, he just went back to
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: Mum and Dad's. And this pattern went on for about
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: a year.
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: Throughout this, Leah still tried to support her husband where
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: she could.
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: He'd called me and he was at the Pokey's and
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: he wanted a lift home. So I thought, okay, I'll
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: give him a lift home because I at that point
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: still had a bit of hope for him. He jumped
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: in the car and I had my baby in the back,
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: and he pulled out a light globe which had had
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: a bit of blue tack at the top and the straw,
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: and he even said to me, here, try some you'll
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: feel heats better. And he just about started to try
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: smoking meth in the car with the baby in the back,
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: and I just remember screaming at him get out of
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: the car, and yeah, he left, and I just drove away, thinking,
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: my goodness, this is really how bad it is. I'd
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: never in my life seen a meth pipe or anything
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: like that in real life, and it was the biggest
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: shock that made me realize that I could not have
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: him around my children because he was not a safe person.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: There was no way I was going to let my
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: babies be exposed or even near him in this state.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: Probably about four months after his first rehab stint, and
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: nothing had been changing. He was still living with his
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: mum and dad. I decided to go and try to
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: do a bit of counseling, not necessarily to save the relationship,
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: but to just see if I'd done enough to try
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: and fix the relationship and try, and I suppose get
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: somebody else to have another set of eyes over what
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: was going on. And that was great. The counselor there
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: was absolutely amazing, And she said to me, she pulled
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: me aside and said, look, Leah, I honestly recommend that
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: you finish this relationship. This is not working. He's not
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: to change. Please just look after yourself and separate and honestly,
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: you'll do fine. In one way, it was super devastating
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: to know that that was the end, But in another
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: way I was super relieved because in a way, that
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: gave me permission then to give up, to say enough
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: is enough. I'm not going to be able to save this,
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: and it gave me that line in the sand to
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: end things. I knew it was over even before starting
• 52:41
  Speaker 1: that counseling. I think I knew really after that night,
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: that New Year's Eve night, when he was calling me
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: and he was left rehab, I knew that if he
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: wasn't willing to do this for his kids and his marriage,
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: then nothing would make him do this. We couldn't make
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: him do it. He had to want to do it
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: for himself. And after that counseling and when the counselor
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: said end it, I decided to try and make a
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: time to meet up with him in person, and he
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: just kept flaking on me. I said, meet me here,
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: meet me there. I want to have a chat. I
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: need to talk to you, And in the end he
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: rang me and he said I'm not coming to catch
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: up with you, and I said, well, I don't want
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: to do this on the phone. But we are done.
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: He said, I saw this coming. I knew this was
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: going to happen, and I just didn't want to face it.
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: He knew that I was done, and he was super upset.
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: But I think at that point he knew that he
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: had pushed me too far. He always would say, even
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: when I caught up with him after this point in time,
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: but you know, I always love you, know I always
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: want to be with you. But I said, look, you
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: know you're not changing, so I can't do it. And yeah,
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: and I suppose he was also very angry at me
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: as well. I think that it's just a thing that
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: comes with addiction, is that everybody else is doing this
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: to me. It's everybody else's fault. It's not my fault.
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: This person has treated me like that. You know, this
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: person's doing the wrong thing. The government's doing the wrong thing.
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: He had every excuse in the world to why he
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: was angry. But yeah, and even at me, Oh, she
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: kicked me out, she's taken me away from seeing the kids,
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: but not taking any accountability for his own actions. I
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: was a mess during that time. I had a lot
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: of support from my mum and dad, which was amazing,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: and they had only divorced about four years before that,
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: so they had been through that and after forty two
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: years of marriage, so I had their support. They were
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: very angry at him. My dad was so angry at
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: him that he couldn't see past the anger. He was
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: so devastated, and because they had had such a good
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: relationship with this man and he was now nothing that
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: they could recognize. He was just a completely different person
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: to this, you know, person that everybody looked up to
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: and was such a great teacher and role model and
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: you know, I was doing youth development courses and is
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: now a drug addict. I always missed him because he
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: was my person that I would go to for everything.
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: I'd miss being able to call him for certain things,
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: or we would have so much fun. We would just
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: laugh and laugh, and we would play fight and we would,
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: you know, just have the best time. And he was
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: my person, Like he got me, even though he had
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: very different values and beliefs, Like we had the same
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: level of crazy in a way that he wasn't when
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: he wasn't addicted. I could just one hundred percent be
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: myself around him, and I think he was the same.
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: He felt the same because he couldn't really be one
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: hundred percent himself around his own family, whereas with me
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: he could. It's like mourning the death of somebody that's
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: still alive.
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: Leah had never faced a tougher decision, yet, deep down
• 56:02
  Speaker 2: she knew it was the right one. A new beginning
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: lay ahead for her and her boys, but it wouldn't
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: be an easy road.
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: So few after the official separation, it gave me a
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: lot of relief. I could just move on with my life.
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: I could get things set up. In that time too,
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: his mum and dad decided that I was no longer
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: welcome in Grandma's house, that I wasn't paying grant him.
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: I think they were angry because I was giving up
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: on him. That's what they thought. We had a big,
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: like a lot of big fights at that time that
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: you're leaving him, you're giving up. You know, you're taking
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: the children away from him, which I never did because
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: I'd always let them visit Nana and Poppy and go
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: and see them. But yeah, it was really hard because
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: I was battling with them hating me, and then I
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: was battling with him hating me. But then I was
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: also able to get on with life and not have
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: to worry so much about trying to rebuild this relationship
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: that wasn't any hope of saving. He would still message me,
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: and he would still try and contact me. I would
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: try and send him photos, and he would also try
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: and call the kids, but that was very sporadic. He
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: would never do it on a regular basis. He would
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: blame me for not calling him, even though, like he
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: wouldn't answer his phone half the time. Sometimes we didn't
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: know where he was. He would come and go. He
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: would sometimes beat his mum and dad's house, and sometimes
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: he wouldn't. So there's no reliability or regularity about what
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: was going on. And I just had to make sure
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: the kids had a stable life and that we could
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: just keep doing what we needed to. So I moved
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: back into the bigger town and ended up renting a
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: unit really close to my dad's house and started to
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: get in the mindset of we need to sell our property,
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: the farm. And he was living there on his own,
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: doing his own thing, and that was horrendous because the
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: neighbors kept telling me that he was having these friends around,
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: they were shooting at things, they were having parties. It
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: was just an absolute shit show. Up there, so I
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: was trying to deal with the neighbors and tell them, look,
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to get him out. So down the track,
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: he eventually did move out, and the house was just
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: left in a bit of a disarray, and it was
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: left to me to then paint everything, renovate, deal with furniture,
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: and get it ready for sale. Once we did manage
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: to sell it, that was a big relief that I
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: could then sort of move on with my life and
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: make sure we had everything in place to then have
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: some stability going forward.
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: Around this time, Kyle returned to rehab for a second
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: attempt at recovery, but sadly, it didn't bring the results
• 58:48
  Speaker 2: everyone had hoped for.
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: So the second stint he had in rehab, that was
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: the local rehab, he probably didn't last very long. It
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: was probably about a few weeks in and he found
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: apparently the love of his life in there, who already
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: had about four children to four different fathers, and he
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: then found out that he had potentially got her pregnant.
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: So I remember him saying to me, I'm going to
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: be such a great dad to this one. I'm going
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: to really not make all the mistakes I made with
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: my first two and he was so chuffed. And then
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks after that he had found out
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: that that was not his baby. The more I saw
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: him after his stints away from his mum and dad's
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: house and coming back, every time I saw him he
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: was more of a shell of a human being. And
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: the more I realized that the man that I married
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: was not in him. His brain was changing, his looks
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: were changing, He'd become skinny. He couldn't make any sense
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: of his thoughts or his feelings and emotions and would
• 59:55
  Speaker 1: just it would take nothing to set him off. So really,
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: I just slowly saw the man that I married die
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: over a couple of years. Really, for a long time,
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: I had the hope that he could get better, and
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: I saw glimpses of that, but as time progressed, there
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: was less and less of him there, and that reality
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: really hit me that this man is disappearing slowly and sadly,
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: and he won't come back. That man that I married
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: has completely gone and he's a completely different person. Now.
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: Last time I had contact with Kyle was when he
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: was back at his mum and dad's house about seven
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: months ago. He was staying there after being away for
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: a long time. He had been living down south in
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: a homeless community and continually taking drugs. So his dad
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: had gone down there and got him, tried to rescue him,
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: brought him back home, and we'd just made sure the
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: kids could catch up with him every now and then
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: if he was in the right state of mind, and
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: the kids were very excited to see him, and you know,
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: we managed that. And the last time I saw him,
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: I remember he was in the back of the car
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: trying to buckle in his son, and he kept checking
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: the car seat because he didn't believe that I had
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: the car seat buckled in right. He didn't trust me
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: that I had that safely installed, and that I just
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: remember getting so angry at him and telling him get
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: out of the car because he wouldn't move and he
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: wouldn't get out. And it's really sad that we haven't
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: heard anything from him since that time for about seven months.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: Apparently he's still down there. He's still homeless, sometimes accessing
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: mental health support, but we have only heard through some
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: social workers down there. His parents haven't been able to
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: make contact and see him. They are just honestly devastated,
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: but they understand how bad his addiction is and that
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: they can't save him. They have had done a lot
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: of work themselves through Family Drug Support, which is an
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: amazing organization supporting families through that process, and they are
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: now the most amazing supports they I suppose seen how
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: much of being put through. They just support me one
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: hundred percent, even though we've got differing, differing values and
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: different beliefs. They are the other parent that I've been missing.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: So yeah, so they helped me a lot with especially
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: the one with the disability. They are amazing. And yeah,
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: the other day we were at a family event and
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: everybody was there except for him, And I get invited
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: to his family events all the time because everybody is
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: so supportive. And his dad was just so upset that
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: he wasn't there because he was the only one missing.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: And he decided a few days later to try and
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: go down there and find him, and he didn't manage
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: to He managed to hear from the social workers, but yeah,
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: that he didn't get to see him. Yeah, he's devastated. Also,
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 1: his brother has given up on him. His brother doesn't
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: even make an effort anymore to try and be in contact.
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: He's just and they are now pregnant with a child,
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: so he's going to be missing out on a nephew
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: or a niece, and that's his only nephew on that
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: side of the family. I suppose his survival skills have
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: come in handy, but it's really sad to know this
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: is not something that anybody would choose. This is something
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: that is a disease, and I now understand that this
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: is something that has taken away his family, his business,
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 1: his success that he's had, the respect that he had
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: from the community, his own family. Like in terms of
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: his family, it's taken his health everything. He's just a
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: shell of a human now. And honestly, which is the
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 1: really sad thing is if I get a phone call
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: from the police saying that he has passed away, I
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 1: won't be surprised, but that would be an end to
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: the pain that he must be feeling.
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 2: While this whole situation had been complet de letely heartbreaking,
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 2: Leah has found the strength to keep moving forward.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: I think about him, probably not as much as I
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: used to, obviously, as time goes on, your heart heels,
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 1: but I'm always going to miss that connection I had
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 1: with him. I do think about him. I suppose every
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: time I look at my oldest son, he's a spitting
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: image of him. He's got the same body. He's a
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 1: little mini Kyle. You know, he's good looking, he's tall,
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: and the other one is a mini me. So he's
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: got the white skin and the stumpy look. But yeah,
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: but like even this morning, my youngest son said to me, Mum,
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: I really miss Dad And all you can say is
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 1: I know, buddy, it's it's a really hard hay. And
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: I said, no, Dad's really really sick, and he said, yeah, yeah,
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: I know. So yeah, that's really hard. I said to him, oh,
• 1:05:06
  Speaker 1: do you think about Dad a lot? And he said, oh,
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 1: not really, I think just maybe every now and then
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: he probably gets reminded that Dad's not well, and he
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: thinks Dad's trying to get a job so he can
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: make enough money to get a train ticket to come
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 1: back home. That's his belief. Whereas the other the older child,
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: is a bit easier because he has an intellectually disability,
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: so he I don't know what he understands, but he
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: definitely lights up when he sees a picture of Dad.
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: Since separation, really I knew I had to move on.
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: I don't have a choice. I've got two kids that
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: really need me, and luckily with NDIS, even though it
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: has its faults, I have a huge amount of support
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: in terms of cares and I have the best, amazing
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: care a team. They're like second parents. I couldn't work
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: without them. Now my youngest is in school. That makes
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: life so much easier. So both kids are in school
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 1: and I can actually work a really awesome job, and
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 1: I love my work. I've tried dating. It's a minefield
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: out there, especially the town we live in. It's always
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 1: the same people on there. A lot of miners, a
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: lot of farmers, a lot of those sorts of people,
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: so it makes it really difficult to find the sort
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 1: of person that I would have a connection with. I'm
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: currently dating a bloke at the moment from Bumble, so
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 1: it's very early days, but we'll see. I'm ready to
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: try and get out there again after having numerous breaks
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: off the apps. But yeah, hopefully this will go okay
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: and we'll see where we go from here. I think
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: after seeing my own parents separate and divorce and they're
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: both repartnered and having great lives, I definitely believe it's
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: out there. I'm probably a bit more realistic about life
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: now and very fussy. I'm very fussy, and that's probably
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: why I'm happy to stay single unless I find the
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 1: absolute right to settle down with. And I'm not going
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: to just pick anybody to be involved in my life,
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 1: because they have to earn that, and especially to be
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: involved with my two boys. There's nobody to blame for
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: his addiction. I believe that addictions can run in families,
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: and they can be caused by mental health conditions. It's
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: not something that I blame him for. I feel sorry
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 1: that he's had to battle it because it must be
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 1: so hard. It must be absolutely horrible to go through
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 1: that every day. I think it's really important for everybody
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: to remember that it's not something that people choose, and
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: that it is something that people battling. Addiction doesn't affect
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 1: the person going through it. It affects the whole family
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 1: and the community, and there is help out there, not
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 1: only for the person going through it, but for everybody else.
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: And I strongly encourage people to reach out and seek
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 1: those supports because that's what's helped me and the family
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 1: get through these really tough times. What I've learned from
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: this whole experience is that I don't regret any of it.
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: That I was where I was meant to be. I
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: was meant to meet him, and we had the most
• 1:08:21
  Speaker 1: amazing time when we were together and things were good.
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: I don't regret my children. They are just fantastic. And
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: I think this is just life. Life throws things at
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: you and you just have to try and learn how
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: to be resilient and move on and try and live
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: your life. But that addiction is a disease, and that
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: no matter how hard you push somebody, you can't make
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 1: them do things they don't want to do. So I
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: feel sad for his family and for him that it's
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 1: ended up this way. And I suppose until the point
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 1: where he's passed away that there is still hope. There's
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 1: always hope. He probably won't be the person that I married.
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 1: He never will, but there is hope that he could
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 1: fix his life and then be able to be to
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: see his own children and experience the good things down
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: the track. I want other people to understand that it's
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 1: okay to separate, like it's okay to end a relationship
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: that's just a chapter of your life. You don't have
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 1: to be with that person forever just because of your beliefs,
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 1: and that's not a failure. That marriage is not a failure.
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: That's just a chapter and now we're up to the
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: next chapter, so it's not a failure. And that women
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: are so resilient and amazing. Yeah, especially so mums with
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: kids of disabilities. I have the most amazing network of
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 1: mums who are single because the blokes can't handle it
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: because it is just it's hard, and it's honestly yeah,
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 1: but it's worth it. I'm super happy that my six
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 1: year old is a normal little man. He's super talkative
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: and he is like the big brother to the family.
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: So we've got a really awesome little three person family
• 1:10:19
  Speaker 1: and we have lots of fun. We're such a happy
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 1: little family at this stage in life. I'm really blessed
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 1: with all the support that I've got around me, and
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: that I'm really looking forward to what the future holds
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 1: as the boys grow older and become more and more
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: independent and as life changes into the future. There's so
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 1: much more exciting things to happen in our future. And
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: this has just been one chapter of our book.
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 3: Really, everyone has an eggs.
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 2: He's a MINTI Media Production and proudly part of the
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 2: Mum and me a Network. This episode is written and
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 2: produced by Linda Scott. Interview conducted and episode narrated by
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 2: me Georgia Love. If you have a story you'd like
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 2: to share, email podcast at momameia dot com dot a.
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 2: You You can support us by following the show in
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 2: your favorite podcast app and leaving a five star review.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 2: We'll see you for the next episode.