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Boundaries CTF School of Ministry #5 · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the school ministry here in Toronto.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is the third day we've had Chip Judd teaching us.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how are you guys liking it so far?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's been really, really good.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if I could just get two people to come up again and help me pray for Chip.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, Felicia.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Father, just come.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Come, Holy Spirit.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just come with your might and your power, God.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Would you just fill Chip and surround him right now, God?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: That there would just be a real strong presence just in this room and in people's hearts today, God, as he speaks.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_04: Father, I just thank you for chip, Father.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_04: I thank you for the message that you've given us, Father.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: I thank you for the heart that you've given him, Father, and that just the life that you have walked with him, Father, and just how much it impacts our lives, Father.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_04: I just pray, God, that today you will just give him the words that you want us all to hear, Father, and that you'll just open up our hearts to receive it, Father.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: And I just pray, God, that you just plant these seeds really deep in our heart, God, and that they'll just grow and grow and grow, Father, and that they just won't land on the bad soil, Father, but that they'll really impact our lives, Father, and we'll just live it out.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: And I just thank you, Father.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: Father, I just pray that you would bless Chip as he was speaking today, God.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I just pray, Lord, that you would just help us all to open our hearts, Lord, to what you're saying to us through his words, God, and that you just go deep, Father, God, and just pray for just more of your presence in Jesus' name.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: All right, thank you, sir.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all doing well this morning?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I assume they're still there, so let's say hello to Norway.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: How y'all doing, Norway?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you would open your Bible to uh where'd I tell you to go?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Galatians 5.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's where it is.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Galatians 5.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna kind of connect back to the whole boundaries teaching that we started yesterday.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I think I told you already that this teaching would be kind of like the second most important thing I've learned in the last 10, 15, 20 years, because it's just really helped me to define and defend my personal space.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And uh we'll kind of get into some of that again, review just a teeny little bit just to get us back on the same page.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: But uh Galatians chapter 5, very, you know, very common or uh popular passage of scripture, verse 22, Galatians 5, 22.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's what we call the fruit of the Spirit.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna read it out of the New Living translation, but what I want you to be thinking about as we read it is this whole idea of boundaries and this whole idea of just living a more emotionally healthy life, and uh kind of read this scripture with that background thought in mind.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this is what I hear or think when I read that.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: One of the byproducts of an ongoing relationship with God and interacting with Him is the production of these things in our lives: uh love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then it goes on to say, against these there is no law.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um I just kind of have a passion.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: My whole thing, you know, when I when I uh became a Christian, I I became a Christian into a kind of a church that was uh it was a charismatic church, meaning we believed in the gifts of the Spirit, and and we were uh, you know, quite honestly, we were a bit we were a bit on the wild side.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we we just went after God in in amazing ways and and and had a lot of a lot of fun, actually.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: But the the the picture of ministry that I learned was that my the measure of my effectiveness as a minister, as a pastor, was that the every meeting we had, every single meeting we had just had to be like crazy over the top, exciting, and the presence of God had to be manifest and the gifts had to flow and you know, bodies laying on the floor, just all this wild stuff should happen.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: And um, what happened to me over time was as I pastored in one place for several years, really I I I remember this about our fourth anniversary as a church, and I had built my church kind of on that blueprint or that model.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the realization I had.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: One day I was walking through, I don't know if it was a, I think it was a grocery store, and uh I think my wife sent me on an errand to get some stuff in the grocery store.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I was walking up one aisle of the grocery store, and on the next aisle over, I heard some lady just giving an employee of the grocery store a fit.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just being ugly and unkind, and I just thought, wow, that lady needs help.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was awful how this lady was talking to the employee of the grocery store.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I got to the end of the aisle and turned and looked down the aisle, and guess who the lady was?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: One of my church members.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: And she was one of my church members that played the tambourine, danced, shouted, showed up at intercessory prayer.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: She was one of my church members that was in the middle of everything we did.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so embarrassed and ashamed, but it just kind of added to something I was already feeling, and that was this.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I love, I love experiencing God.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, we talked yesterday about my friend in Matthew 12, 43 to 45, who had an encounter with the power of God, an evil spirit left him.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: But when that passage ends, it said the last state of that man is worse than the first.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So as I came through this period of my life and ministry, I changed the way I measure my success or effectiveness as a pastor.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just, by the, by God's help, I changed how I think, am I doing a good job?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: I still love to experience God.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I still love to feel God's presence.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: I still love to sense that He's doing stuff when we meet, but I no longer measure my effectiveness by what happens in the room while we're meeting.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: I now measure my effectiveness by what happens out there as a result of what happened in the room while we were meeting.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, my deal is really simple.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I want to help you live a more effective, joyful, healthy, productive life that you can be proud of.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I know we kind of are afraid of that word almost, but I just want to help you out there live a really, really cool life.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's fun what we can do in the presence of God when we're together.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's cool.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Take all of it I can get.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: But if it doesn't amount to something out there, what is the point of it?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of what I teach, that's what drives it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: What drives it is, I just I just watch the church and I'm like, you know, really, guys, is that really working?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is it producing the kind of results out there in our marriages, in our families, at our workplace, in our ministries?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I just really want to help you connect to God in ways that really helps you live a more effective life.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: For instance, I travel around a good bit, I've already told you that, and I believe there's three epidemics raging through the church.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I I would imagine you guys living like you do here in the what do you call this, the dorm?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: What do you call it?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I would imagine when somebody gets a cold, it spreads a bit or the flu or whatever.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know we pray and trust God for that not to happen.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I would, you know, we just kind of we catch things from each other.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I believe there's three epidemics that are raging through the church.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them is an epidemic of heart disease.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Proverbs 13, 12 says, hope deferred does what?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Makes the heart sick.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hope deferred or put off to the future makes the heart sick.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe that we in the church, by the way we preach the truth, this is the way I would say it to you, we've overpromised and under-delivered.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand what I'm saying?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: We preach on the victory that we have in Jesus, and all of us kind of learn how to pretend we got it and it's working.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: But when we go out into our real life and our real relationships and our real finances and our real everything else, we're kind of like, it isn't working for me like they said it would.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe after three to six months, a year or two of a new Christian coming into most of our churches, they hear these amazing messages on what God will do for you.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then eventually they look around the room, and what do you think they're thinking?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with me?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because everybody else looks like they're getting it, but it doesn't seem to be working for me.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the chip judd theory.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I believe one of the things we in the church are really good at teaching people is how to pretend.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: We teach people how to pretend they're getting it when they're really not.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And why do we do that?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because we just want to fit in.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we kind of look around, figure out what the code of acceptance is in this group of people, and then we figure out how we have to act to be accepted by this group of people.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I believe we've got a church out there full of people who have heard these amazing messages about what God has done for us, will do for us, is doing for us, all that good stuff.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then they wonder why, after three months, six months, or a year or so, why am I not getting it?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody else looks like they're getting it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I think there's an epidemic of heart disease in the church.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Just a bunch of people that had hope put out in front of them, but it keeps looking like it's further and further away.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, does that drive me crazy?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: The only thing that drives me crazy is that we create this atmosphere of pretending.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you agree with this thought?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: The church, the redeemed, blood-bought community of the king, ought to be the safest place on earth.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Say yes if you agree with that.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the safest place on earth for what?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: To be yourself.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: To be yourself.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I believe we need to figure out how to, yes, teach these amazing truths, but do it in a way that helps everybody realize that it takes time to get there.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: One time a friend of mine, you know, everybody, all my friends know I read a lot, and I'm always got crazy thoughts bouncing around in my head.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this friend of mine called me one time.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was driving in my car and he called me and he said, Man, I'm getting ready to preach this series on change.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: He said, give me some thoughts real quick.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you were going to teach on change to your church, give me some thoughts real quick.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, I wasn't thinking about all that, so I'm driving.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Well, give me a second, you know?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I just think a minute.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the thought that hit me.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I told you this word yesterday, the day before.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what I said to him.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: I said, include the word incrementalism.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Incrementalism.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: What does that mean?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do this one time.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize that's how we grow?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: We don't grow like this.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: We grow like this.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing: your future can change today.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Your future can change today.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's cool about the future in the past?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Weird little thought, but I picked it up from a book I read.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: You can see your past, but you can't change it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: You can't see your future, but you can change it.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why, but that's a cool thought to me.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: You can see your past, but you can't change it.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: You can't see your future, but you can change it.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what's got to happen today?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we could do this rah-rah, my future changes today.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: My future changes, we could do this chant, my future changes today.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: It could be true.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: But all it's got to do is this much.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Look up here, real quick.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: All that's gotta happen is that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: All that's gotta happen is that.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, where do you think I want that to happen?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: If you figured me out yet, you'll know.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Where would I point right now if that's what I want to happen today?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Boom.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Point to your head one time.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: If we can get this much of a shift in the way you think, your future can change today.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I said three epidemics.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: One is an epidemic of heart disease, where people hear all these cool truths and they wonder why it's working for everybody else, and it really probably isn't as well as it looks because a lot of people are pretending.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean it's not working, but we kind of learn to act like it's working better than it really is.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: The second epidemic is what I call an epidemic of renegade emotions.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Renegade or out of control, unmanaged emotions.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: We just read a scripture in Galatians 5 that one of the byproducts, the results, the fruit of walking with God in the work of the Holy Spirit in our life is love, joy, peace, and all these other things.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think almost all of them have kind of an emotional component to them.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's really about learning to manage your own emotions.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: I like to I like to call it create your own weather.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you can learn to create your own weather inside your circle.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: We'll talk more about that in a minute.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: But so one of my passions is to help you learn how to manage your emotions, to figure out how I can keep my responses from going wherever they want to go.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: So, heart the epidemic of heart disease, an epidemic of renegade emotions, and then the third one almost every time I speak, I'm going after this one.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it's an epidemic of victimization.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: I believe there's an epidemic of victimization sweeping the church and quite honestly, most of our cultures, because most of us feel victimized by things outside of us people, events, uh, trends, whatever.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the thing.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think I mentioned this already.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: A victim talks like this.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Why do they keep doing that to me?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Why does, why does that, what is that, why does that group of people keep making me feel bad about myself?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the amazingly important thing that we're going to be after our whole time together.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: No one else can make you feel anything without your cooperation.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: You decide how someone else's actions or opinions affect you.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: You decide.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll talk more about that as we plow through this.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: But another way to think about the whole victimization thing is a victim always believes the source of their problem is outside of themselves.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you know if you believe the source of your problem is outside of yourself, you just feel like there's not much you can do about it.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: But if you ever realize the real driving force of my emotions is within me, guess what you begin to grow some confidence for?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: If the reason my emotions are going where they are is inside of me, then guess what?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: I can do something about it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: I can do something about it.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you know what I say in a room full of adults, and I'm using that term loosely, but I'm saying that because you know you guys are at interesting ages, because some of you are still very much in the shadow of the families that produced you, and some of you are really working to build your life kind of.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: But imagine, put yourself anywhere in here you want.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: But frequently when I'm talking to a room full of, again, in quotes, adults, and I don't mean y'all aren't adults, but I'm just giving you room to kind of be in this gray zone, some of you.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what I would say to them: if you are an adult, you have created, you have created the life you're now living.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the reason I stressed that a minute ago, some of you haven't yet.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're just kind of launching from your family of origin, we call it, and you're just kind of figuring out who you are and what kind of life you want to build.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know that I really want that to land on some of you too heavily yet.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: But at some point you're gonna be married, children, jobs, ministries, whatever, and you need to have this thought ringing in the back of your mind.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: I when you look around your life and you look at the stuff you like and the stuff you don't like, the way you feel, the way you manage life's decisions, you need to think this thought.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: I created this life that I'm living out of what I believe.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about tonight at the whatever you call it, the internet thing.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna talk about that how to receive thing.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: One time my wife and I were sitting on the couch and we were watching American Idol.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all watch American Idol, anybody?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: I guess you don't watch anything here.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, sorry for teasing you.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: But we were sitting on the couch in our condo watching American Idol.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I have my daughter's permission to tell the story, so don't think I'm whatever.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and the phone rings.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, how many of you thank God for caller ID?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so I look at the phone and it's my daughter.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this was after she had just recently moved to Austin, Texas.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: We live in South Carolina, that's like halfway across the country, and she moved all by herself, very courageously following the will of God to go to graduate school to get her master's, and I'm, you know, we're so proud of her.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: But no two ways about it.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: The first little stretch of that was was tough on her as she made friends and found her what found found her way in this new environment.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: So here I am sitting there, really enjoying my wife, watching American Idol.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: The phone, you know, I see it's my daughter, and I have to be honest, and I told her this.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking, ooh, this might be one of those counseling phone calls.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm thinking, oh man, I'm not sure I'm up for that.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: Then I thought, I better answer.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: So thank God you can pause the TV.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we paused the TV and I took the call.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was right.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was one of those counseling phone calls.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what my daughter said.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: She said, I had a great week last week, this week I'm crying every day.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: Great week last week, this week I'm crying every day.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm thinking, okay, you know, the real estate crash, the stock market crash.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking, okay, she doesn't own any real estate, so it can't be that.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't own any stocks, it can't be that.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: She wasn't in a serious relationship at the time, so it wasn't that.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm thinking, hmm.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you ever tried to give a pill to a cat?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: You ever tried to give a pill?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you ever tried to give a cat a bath?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Cats typically don't like water.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm not talking about a cat with its claws removed, I'm talking about a real one that can hurt you.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes helping people is like giving a pill to a cat.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: What you have to say to them, they really don't want to hear.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm sitting there on the phone talking to my daughter, and I'm thinking, last week, great week, this week, crying every day, and here's what I'm thinking.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta try to get this cat to swallow a pill.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's what I realized.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: What she needed to hear was nothing out here had changed.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Where had the change occurred?
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Between her ears.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, last week was a good week, this week was a bad week because of something she was doing to herself.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I started going there.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, darling, you know, let's talk a little bit.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: The cat took the pill.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we she kind of was like, okay, I think I see where you're going.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: So then I said, God, you know, give me something practical to help my daughter.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Give me something that, you know, she's a journaler, you know, she's she's learned to journal just like you guys do, and really just loves it, really great at it.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, I said, God, give me something that she can use to kind of base her way out of this on.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: So the Lord gave me a th three little things that I call the three key distortions.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: These are the three key little areas.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I'm in a place emotionally that I I don't like and I can't really figure out how I got there, this is where I go to.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: I go to, this is my little checklist that I start with.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I said to my wonderful daughter, after I got her to accept that nothing outside of her changed, which would be victim thinking, and that what had changed was the way she was thinking, and thinking is really what?
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: Talking to yourself.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: So what had really changed was the way she was talking to herself.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: So what I said was, darling, let me give you three little things that I've learned to do, or a little checklist.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: The three key ways your thoughts get off track.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, how do I see God?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: How do I see God?
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, darling, one of the first places you go when your emotions are somewhere you don't want to be and you can't really figure out how you got there.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, take responsibility for them.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what this whole teaching's about that we're going to continue this morning.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, and here's a way you can start looking at your thoughts.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: So number one, how do I see God?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: And just journal a minute.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe from last week that was so good to this week that's not so good, just the way you're seeing God has shifted a bit.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do I see God?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: The second thing, how do I see myself?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: How do I see myself?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I just encourage her, just journal about that.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: Journal about how you see yourself.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, oh, I'm a loser, you know, I don't see why God would do anything good for me.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't deserve it.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is that gonna make you feel better or worse if you think that way?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Worse.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: So she got how do I see God?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: How do I see myself?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then the third one, what do I have to do to please God and get my needs met?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: What do I have to do to please God and get my needs met?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the thing: it won't solve every bad mood you ever have, but I promise you, it'll start pushing you in the right direction about 60 to 80 percent of the time.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because almost any time you shift from a good place emotionally to a bad place, what has really shifted is your thoughts, which is how you talk to yourself, and just the act, this is really important, just the act of being mindful, which means thinking about what you're thinking.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Just the act of stepping back and asking yourself questions like that makes you think about what you're thinking.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: And all of a sudden, what will happen, particularly for those of us that have learned to journal, when you when you just slow down to say, I was feeling great, I'm not feeling great, and I don't really know why, here's a little saying I use.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know the source, you know the source.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know the source, you know the source.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: What do I mean by that?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you can't point to what make making you feel bad, then guess what?
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's you.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you can't say, I feel bad because I bounced three checks and lost$105.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know about you, but bounce checks just used to drive me crazy.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was just dumb to give the bank money for bouncing checks.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: So if I can't look at some event that explains why I'm feeling bad, if you don't know the source, then guess what?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know the source.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's you.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you can't point to something that's making you feel bad, then guess what?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're making you feel bad.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: So just the act of saying, how do I see God right now?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you know God will sneak in there?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: God, as you're penning it, God will creep in there.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: And he'll say, Chipper, you're seeing me like I'm upset with you or like I'm disappointed in you.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what, Chipper?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you kind of go, wow, I was thinking that.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Or it might not be that.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: You might get past that one, it's like nothing really revelatory hits you, and you might get to the second one, how do I see myself?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're going, you're journaling, and you say, How do I see myself?
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then you remember that you made an effort to connect to someone, and they didn't respond.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you came away saying to yourself, see, I told you you're not attractive enough, you're not cool enough, you don't fit in.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: And all of a sudden you're like, wow, I see where I went and how I got there.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what's behind everything I'm saying to you?
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: Number one is you're taking responsibility for what you feel.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: Just being mindful that about 80% of the moods I get caught in were self-generated.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really mean that, dude?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I really mean that.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: I really mean that.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: And as we go through this teaching on boundaries, one of the coolest things it's taught me is how to how to own my emotions, how to own what I'm feeling.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: And how to be a I like to say it this way, how to be the Lord of the manor.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the Lord of the manor.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Everything going on inside the skin is under my direct management.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: Am I alone?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: No, God's in here with me.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: So between God and I, we can manage about anything that happens out there.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just review this whole boundary thing real quick.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: Boundaries are about the keyword that begins with an hour.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: What are boundaries all about?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: Responsibility.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: Say it one time.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Responsibility.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside my circle?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside your circle?
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: You are.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's pretend my wonderful wife's standing here, and I really, really wish she was.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: But let's pretend my wonderful wife's standing here.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside her circle?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: She is.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside mine?
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, there's another circle that surrounds our two circles called a marriage that separates us from every other person and thing on earth.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: I love to remind people of this.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: When you stand at an altar and say I do, your relationship to every other person and thing on this planet changes.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize that after you say I do, you can never make another decision for the rest of your life without considering the impact of that decision on the person you marry?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: Every decision.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, listen to me carefully.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: No longer do you think about how it affects your mom, how it affects your dad, how it affects your siblings.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: From the moment you say I do, leave mother and father, cleave to one another, and become one flesh.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: From that moment forward, every decision you make is filtered through how will this affect the second most important gift God has ever given me.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking every decision.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: Every bite of food you put in your mouth, you consider how does it affect my wife, my husband.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: Every dollar you spend, my wife and I don't spend one dollar that the other one doesn't know about.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: Not one.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because we understand the covenant of marriage.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have any money.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have any money.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: We have some money.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have any money.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: You follow me?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: I own nothing by myself.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Everything I own is shared.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: So it affects the way you make decisions.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm just taking a little marriage side trip there.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: Inside the circle of marriage, I live in a circle, my wife lives in a circle.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm responsible for everything inside my circle, she's responsible for everything inside her circle, who's responsible for everything inside your circle.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: So let's pretend one day my wife's over here in her circle and she's having a rainy day.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: And she's just kind of not having a great day inside her circle.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside her circle?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: She is.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm over here and I'm having a sunny, beachy day, and I'm just like having a good time.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I notice her circle looks a little cloudy.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I walk over to her circle and I knock and I say, darling, you appear to be having a cloudy day in your circle.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: May I be of assistance?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Leave me alone.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now, would a good husband then join her in her cloudiness and I express my love by being as miserable as you are?
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the deal.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're responsible for what's going on in your circle, I'm responsible for what's going on in mine.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_01: So my response would be, well, darling, I'll be over here having a sunny day in my circle.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: If I can be of any assistance, please let me know.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not responsible for what's in her circle.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm more than willing to help if I can.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: But what's going on in her circle is not a direct response to what I've done.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, maybe, let's say the night before, I did do something that hurt her feelings.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm responsible for what I did.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not responsible for her response to what I did.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_01: So she might say, Well, last night blah, blah, blah happened, and you know, I felt blah, blah, blah.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I now have the privilege or the opportunity to say, well, darling, I really didn't realize that, but I can see how my actions could have nudged you that direction.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: So now I can take responsibility for what I did the night before, and we can together collectively get out of that place that she is.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: But the trick is, practicing, I mean, ruthlessly, that I'm ultimately not responsible.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: Can you make another person happy?
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, think about that for a minute.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: Can you make another person?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: Can you determine their happiness?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta think about this stuff.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to spend the rest of your life responsible for someone else's emotion?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the flip side.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: Can anybody else make you happy?
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if I can shake you loose of that, this will be the best week of your life.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you just realize the simple reality, there's no magic person out there that you're gonna enter into a relationship with that's gonna finally, ah, I'm happy now.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's only one that can do that, and who is that?
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the only way God can do that is if you work with him.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: Where's my need for love inside my circle?
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside my circle?
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: Who's in here with me?
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is my wife in my circle?
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_01: Am I in her circle?
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: Who's in her circle with her?
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I told you yesterday, what's the secret to a great marriage?
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: Have an affair.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I go over here and I have an affair with God, and he meets my need for love.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: My wife goes over here and she has an affair with God, and he meets her need for love.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine how different a marriage feels when you come toward each other?
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: Listen now, not to take from each other out of your emptiness, but to give to each other out of your fullness.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: I said this yesterday, but just to remind you and stress it, I don't need, say need.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need my wife to love me.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: I want my wife to love me.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_01: She does love me, I love it when she loves me.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't need her to love me for me to feel okay.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_01: God meets my need for love.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the cool thing.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_01: If you learn to allow God to meet your need for love, when you do meet that special person, you'll know it.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what's more important the dozen times prior to that, you meet someone you think for a moment might be that special person, what you'll feel is the unequalness of maybe they're looking for you to meet their need for love.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: You've learned to let God meet yours.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: The bottom line, when you learn to do this, you're just going to have a healthier, more natural ability to tell when you really connect with someone.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because you won't be looking to them to do things they weren't designed to do.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be looking to them to do things that God intended for them to do, which is not meet your deepest needs.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: Your deepest needs are meant to be met by God.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: And he's really good at it if we learn to let him do that.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's jump into your notes here, and we'll we're gonna head toward that second page.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_01: But let me read you a little story that I think is a cool way to think about boundaries.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll try to remember to do this as we go through the teaching.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to this story and think about this whole issue of boundaries and responsibility, and um, we'll move forward in the uh slides after this.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: All right, here's a lady named Sandy, and she's at her counselor's office.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: So the counselor says to Sandy, why don't you just tell your mother that you don't want to come home for Thanksgiving?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're 30 years old.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's old enough to choose to spend a holiday with your friends.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_01: Sandy replies back to the counselor, but that would make her very angry.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: I could never do that.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's mean.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I understand, the counselor says.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_01: How can you make her angry?
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you think you have that much power?
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_01: Sandy replies, if I don't go home for the holidays, that will make her mad.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's really just that simple.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_01: Then I guess you think, the counselor, then I guess you think you have the power to make her happy as well.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: Is that right?
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sandy replies, well, of course I do.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: If I do what she wants, I can make her happy.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_01: Man, Sandy, you're a very powerful woman, the counselor replies.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_01: It must be frightening to have that much power.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_01: But if you have that much power, why don't you have the power to make yourself feel good?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, says Sandy.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I come to see you, so you can make me feel better.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: The counselor replies, Oh, I see.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_01: Making your mother feel good makes you feel bad.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: Then you come to see me, so I'll make you feel better.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: What am I supposed to do if helping you makes me feel bad?
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I know, he says.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just call your mom and she'll make all of us feel better.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sandy says, You're crazy.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: How's my mom gonna make you feel better?
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_01: And the counselor says, I don't know, but as long as everyone is responsible for everyone else's feelings, I'm sure she'll find a way.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_01: Now, how many of you catch what's wrong with that story?
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is it okay for a 30-year-old daughter to want to go skiing with her friends for Thanksgiving?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: Is that okay?
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: All right?
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_01: Where is her choice to go skiing?
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: Where is her desire to go skiing?
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: Inside her circle.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside her circle?
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: So is it okay for her to want to go skiing with her friends?
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_01: Is it okay for her mom to want her to come home?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: Anything wrong with that?
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_01: Where's her mother's desire for her to come home?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_01: Inside her mom's circle.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing wrong with her mom wanting her.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now, is it wrong for her mom to say, you make me sad if you don't come home?
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_01: What did mom just do?
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: Where's mom's sadness?
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Inside her circle.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: Who's responsible for everything inside her circle?
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_01: So what did she just do?
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_01: She just made her daughter responsible for her sadness and happiness.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_01: Is that the correct thing to do?
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, would it be wrong for mom to be disappointed that the daughter's not coming home for the holidays?
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_01: Not the least bit wrong.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_01: Where it crosses the line is when mom makes the daughter responsible for her emotions.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_01: It would be nice, enjoyable, but I want to go skiing for the holidays.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_01: What could the daughter do?
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, mom, awesome time to go skiing.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry I won't be there.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_01: I know you'll be disappointed, but I'll come home the next weekend or the weekend before and we'll make up for it.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: The issue is, how many of you agree?
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we as parents, children, friends, spouses, we hold each other responsible because we don't do what the other person wants us to do.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_01: You see, kind of that's just a good example of how this thing works.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: Write this statement somewhere.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's a really cool statement.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: Self-care, self-care is not self-ish.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_01: Self-care is not self-ish.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you, how many of you agree?
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, ma'am.
• 42:41
  unknown: I just have a question.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you want to use that?
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_02: When uh you make people like you can't, if it's unhealthy to be like, you make me happy, what's a healthy way to communicate and express yourself?
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great question.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not the whole you make me happy thing, what's a good way to express yourself?
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um for me, it's it's a it's a it's an attitude of heart that I I own my happiness.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_01: So let's say my wife has done something that made it a challenge for me to remain happy.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: I would, you know, try to create a an appropriately safe moment to talk about whatever it was that happened.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then we would just talk about how, well, like I like to talk about needs.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: What need was at stake there?
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_01: The need to feel secure, the need to feel valued, the need for whatever.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: And and we'll talk about this more in a minute, but for me, it's just a it's just learning to own, you know, I'm disappointed my daughter's not coming home for the holidays.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm I celebrate and I'm honored and excited that she has a great group of friends she likes to spend time with.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's just learning to kind of think about it differently and not allowing my emotional responses to be so directly connected to someone else's behavior.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I to be honest with you, and I almost don't like to do this, but I have to.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: When I say things like, you make me mad, it's never the right thing to say, there's no two ways about it.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: There's times when that's the only way to get the conversation started.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_01: To get the conversation started, you might have to say, When you don't come home for Thanksgiving, it makes me sad.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_01: So it's hard to find the words to say it.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: But if your intent is to not really hold that person responsible, but to just have a conversation.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: To learn better, it's hard to come up with a better phrase than that.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_01: But it's still important to recognize, for instance, and I don't mean this as harshly as it's going to sound, but when I see a parent who says to a child, if you don't come home for the holidays, you make me sad, what I want to say to them is, get a life.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_01: Your children are not supposed to be your life.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're supposed to have a life of your own.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you're supposed to have interests and friends and activities that nourish your soul.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_01: You're not supposed to suck the life out of your children.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know that's a bit harsh, and I don't mean for it to sound so harsh, but the truth of it is we've got to figure out a way.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_01: My wife and I raised our kids to go away.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't mean because we don't love them.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_01: I love my children so much I could eat them.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I want them to live amazingly independent, powerful lives.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_01: So we told our kids, we will pay for college if you go away.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: We will not pay for college if you stay home.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: Did you really do that?
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we really did that.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because we want our kids to get out from under our shadow and live amazing lives.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: You mean you don't love seeing your kids?
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love seeing my kids.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't want my kids to grow up stuck to me.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want them to go out there and just build amazing lives.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some of the cultures you guys are from are going to really have difficulty with some of what I'm saying.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because different cultures have different kinds of rules, if you will, about how you do family and how you dishonor.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: Some of what I'm saying in some cultures would sound very dishonoring.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean for it to be dishonoring because I believe there's dishonor the other direction when you're not allowed to become an independent person.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if I'm answering your question well.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: Am I getting close?
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_01: Another question?
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just wondering, um, when you are trying to say like you're real really happy, say if um they do go home, can you be like, it makes me feel really happy when you're here with us, like during the holidays, or how like is it okay to express yourself and say, like, I'm really happy to be spending time with you, or yes, it's fine to say that, but here this again, this would be the key to me.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_01: What I don't want, let's let's just pretend these three, I have two daughters and a son, so these three are my children.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would I would be happy to tell them I love it when you guys are around.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the message I do not want them to carry.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want them to feel like my happiness hinges on the choices you make.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now, could they make choices that are gonna make it really hard for me to be happy?
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, one of them ends up in jail or on drugs.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're gonna make it really hard for me to be happy.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_01: But in general, I want them to understand that their choices are not what my happiness hinges on.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want them to carry the burden of my emotions.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_01: My emotions are my responsibility, not theirs.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm able to say, man, love it when you guys come home.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_01: You so you're gonna go skiing with your friends, you know what?
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_01: Probably what my wife and I would do would say, let us pay for a day of skiing.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: Or let us give you the credit card number so you can take your friends out to dinner one night.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, our thing would be we want to we want to invest in you having this amazing life.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_01: But part of why that works for us is they're not our life.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_01: We love them, we love them with every fiber of our being.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_01: But our life now isn't contingent upon how they're you know feeding us what we need.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now again, let me let me emphasize, when I say culture, I mean the culture you know you come from, but I also mean every family is a culture.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_01: So you've got to be, you just gotta be led by the Lord.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: And very I love these two words, listen to these two words.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to learn to be gentle but firm.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_01: Gentle but firm in the way you gradually introduce this stuff into your relationships.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: And as we go through this the next, today and tomorrow, some of this I hope will be be more clear.
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_01: But gentle but firm.
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_01: When I have to confront someone, my goal is to be gentle but firm.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_01: Gentle but firm.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh, good questions, very good questions.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's go into this list on that's at the top, it should say, what do healthy boundaries look like?
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_01: And this is just absolutely one of my favorite parts to talk about.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hit that next slide if you would, please.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_01: All right, we already talked about that.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: Go to the next one.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_01: All right, what do healthy boundaries look like?
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_01: Number one up there is you know yourself, like yourself, and you're able to be yourself.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_01: I love that statement.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know yourself, like yourself, and are able to be yourself.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: I found that to be an amazingly life-saving statement.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds kind of weird.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_01: What does it mean to know yourself?
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_01: Pardon me?
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_05: Um, with me, like, I travel a lot.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_05: Like, I'm from Nova Scotia, so I travel travel like just like in the provinces and stuff like around.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_05: And so with my family, it's like I'm the oldest and I was the only child for like 14 years, but now my parents have like a seven-year-old and a three-year-old.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_05: But it's like now I'm actually like trying to like go on with my life.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_05: But every time when I speak, like I kind of not like avoiding talking to them, but it's like every time I talk to them, it's like we really miss you, we wish you were home, we're really upset, and it's like always saying, Oh, we're sad, but it's like I'm so happy here.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_05: And then I notice too with um my friends, and even when I'm at home, it's like I'm very independent, I'm always doing stuff by myself, and it's like I'm not really with my family, but I am, but it's like they don't mind.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_05: But it's like when I'm far away, they're like trying to like drag me down and trying to like bring me back home, and it's really frustrating.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_05: Same with my friends, like people that I won't even talk to for like a month at home, and now they're like messaging me saying, We really miss you, like come home, and it's just like aha, why are you just leave me alone?
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_05: Like, that's what I kind of feel like, and I don't want to feel frustrated with them, but how do I kind of like tell them without like offending them?
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_05: Because it's not, it's just it's kind of frustrating, you know?
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um how do I tell them without frustrating?
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, it might not be beneficial to tell them because they may really not understand what you're doing, how you're living, and how you're they may not understand how you're making that work.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_01: The most important thing to me is what it sounds like you're doing, and that is separate your emotional state from theirs.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_01: Remind yourself I'm responsible for mine, they're responsible for theirs.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_01: I, you know, you know, the kind of the whiny we miss you, and you know, uh here's what I would do in my heart.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_01: I would I would think this process.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I acknowledge to myself their emotional state, but then I remind myself I'm not responsible for that they are.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now then what do I say might depend on what I feel like they're capable of understanding.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_01: I might say, you know what, mom and dad, I love how much you love me.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate it so much.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_01: But it it wears on me when I feel like your happiness hinges on how my closeness.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want you to know that, do whatever you want with it, think about it, we can talk about it.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, figure out a way that is you just gotta be, here's the thing: this is not about you know just pushing everybody else around.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's about learning to live healthier ourselves and then gently but firmly helping the people around us understand what we're doing.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: And um, like listen to this statement.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_01: You train people how to treat you.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_01: You train people how to treat you.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now I believe that with all of my heart.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_01: You train people how to treat you by your responses to their behavior.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_01: So when someone does that, your response is a training step.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_01: So someone says, you know, kind of whiny, you know, we love you so much and we miss it when you're gone, and we're sad when you're away.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well then you have to decide, okay, I want to train them.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds terrible to train your parents, but I want to train them.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_01: So you say, you know what, I really appreciate how much you love us, the kids.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_01: I really do.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I I want you to know how it affects me.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_01: It it makes it harder for me to enjoy our conversations when you're taking your emotions and putting them on my shoulders.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not responsible for you guys being happy.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: You got a lot of stuff going on there.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_01: So you so you figure out how much truth you think somebody can handle.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the key to this is not to be rude, selfish, and abrupt with people.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll give you some examples as we go through this, but these are great questions, and um, I'm a parent, so I I don't mean in any way to dishonor the family process.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I do have to say that many times the way we do family is not healthy.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason we don't live healthy, robust adult lives is because our families don't let us loose as well as they should.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_01: I really, really, really, really, really believe most marital issues, most meaning more than 51%, can be resolved by one scripture.
• 55:10
  SPEAKER_01: Leave mother and father, cleave to one another, become one flesh.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe if you properly walk that out, it has amazing effects on your emotional stability.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_01: And some of the stuff we'll talk about and walk through will be helpful as we go through this.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so you know yourself like yourself and are able to be yourself.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_01: How many would say that's easy to do?
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_01: What percentage of people would you say like themselves?
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: What percentage?
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_01: Fifteen?
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_01: Two?
• 55:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're not getting very high.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_01: Before or after the school of ministry.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be great.
• 56:00
  SPEAKER_01: Research to do.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if nothing else, how many of you would agree that it does seem to be difficult to like ourselves?
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's just something going on that makes it difficult for us to like ourselves.
• 56:13
  SPEAKER_01: This is one of the main areas that I love to talk about.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_01: Write this statement down, or it might be there.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's probably not.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_01: Write this statement down.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_01: Comparison, comparison is the root of all inferiority.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_01: Comparison is the root of all inferiority.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: When we get in trouble is when we compare ourselves to other people.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_01: I love this definition of humility.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember where I got it, but this one source that defines humility.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_01: I love this.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: Humility is not needing to be more than you are.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_01: Not needing to be more than you are.
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that a cool definition?
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_01: Comparison is the root of all inferiority, that one.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_01: And don't ever feel bad about asking me to repeat something.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_01: Humility is not needing to be anything more than you are.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I've told it to you exactly this way, but one of the worst periods of my life was I told you about the church that I worked at, and it was like this supernatural, amazing place.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the services were powerful.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_01: The pastor just walked in an anointing that was astounding.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the gifts of the Spirit, the presence of God, it was amazing.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I really, quite honestly, I kind of lusted after that.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted that.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_01: So when I started my own church, that's kind of what I tried to reproduce.
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I would pray for hours, and I'd work to produce that kind of supernatural environment.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, we hit it, some, but I was miserable.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was miserable.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_01: One time I was praying during this period, and as I was praying, I saw this picture in my mind, and I saw myself in a hallway, and it was kind of a dimly lit hallway, and there were doors on the hallway, separated about, oh, I don't know, 10, 15 feet apart.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I was standing at one door, and I it was locked, and I was pounding on it, kicking it, crying, commanding it to open.
• 58:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just demanding that this door open for me.
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_01: And to my right and left, both directions, there was a door wide open, and all this beautiful light and this cool presence of God mist was just flowing out both doors to my right and left.
• 58:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I was looking at this in my mind, and I was like, God, what are you trying to show me?
• 58:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt like the father said, you're trying to obtain grace that I've not given you.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to learn to walk in your own.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, what?
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then over a time of encounter with God, God showed me that that ministry that I was trying to reproduce is not what He's called me to.
• 59:21
  SPEAKER_01: God didn't call me to walk in that outwardly spectacular form of the supernatural.
• 59:28
  SPEAKER_01: God called me to be a thinker, a listener, and a counselor.
• 59:33
  SPEAKER_01: And most of the stuff I do is in smaller groups or in a room with one person at a time.
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_01: And basically what God was saying to me was, are you okay with being the way I made you?
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you want to surrender to the sovereignty of God?
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you want to live a life of surrender to God's sovereignty?
• 1:00:01
  SPEAKER_01: This to me is one of the coolest statements.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_01: The ultimate surrender to the sovereignty of God.
• 1:00:07
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all want to live that?
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_01: The ultimate surrender to the sovereignty of God is self-acceptance.
• 1:00:15
  SPEAKER_01: The ultimate way that you say yes to God is by the declaration that I want to know myself, like myself, and be myself.
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_01: I would go so far as to say this.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_01: Your first calling in life, your first calling is to be yourself.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize how much energy you expend trying to be what other people want you to be or you think they want you to be?
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize how stressful it is to kind of look around you, figure out who you want to be accepted by, figure out what they want and need from you, and then try to be that.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of just be yourself?
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_01: Just be yourself.
• 1:01:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is everybody on earth gonna like you?
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wish.
• 1:01:14
  SPEAKER_01: There's what six and six and something billion people on this planet.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_01: Are they all gonna like you?
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_01: They're not.
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_01: So are you gonna let one and a half billion people not liking you ruin your day when there's four and a half billion that do like you?
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just line up ten people.
• 1:01:35
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say seven of them like you.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_01: Three of them don't.
• 1:01:42
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 1:01:44
  SPEAKER_01: You decide.
• 1:01:47
  SPEAKER_01: You decide which group determines how you feel about yourself.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_01: You decide.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_01: You can be all bummed out because those three don't like me, or you can be excited because those seven do.
• 1:02:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's up to you.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_01: You decide.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_01: And again, dumb way to say it, but it's just sarcastic and funny.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna pretend you don't like me.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it's not true.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_01: But this is how I think.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't like me.
• 1:02:18
  SPEAKER_01: Who likes me?
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_01: God likes me.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_01: You don't like me, God likes me.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_01: You don't like me, God likes me.
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_01: You don't like me?
• 1:02:29
  SPEAKER_01: God likes me.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're an idiot.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't wouldn't really say that about someone, but here's my point.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I let another person's opinion determine how I feel about myself?
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I allow my esteem, my value in myself?
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I allow it to hinge on someone else who is probably hurt and unhealed themselves?
• 1:03:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I allow how I feel about myself to hinge on somebody else's opinion?
• 1:03:07
  SPEAKER_01: Why would I do that?
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we sell our peace so cheaply?
• 1:03:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we give it away so easily?
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to figure out a way to allow God to show you how amazingly wonderful you are.
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you believe you're a creation of God?
• 1:03:30
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you really believe God made you?
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you, Ephesians 2.10, were his workmanship created unto good works in Christ Jesus?
• 1:03:39
  SPEAKER_01: One more time, how many of you believe God made you?
• 1:03:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're his workmanship.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you spent a lot of time criticizing his work?
• 1:03:52
  SPEAKER_01: You just said you think he made you.
• 1:03:55
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you said, how many of you spent a lot of time saying, What were you thinking, God?
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like my nose, I don't like my butt, I'm not tall enough, my hair's not the right color.
• 1:04:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, do you think God made you or don't you?
• 1:04:13
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna submit to his sovereignty?
• 1:04:17
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the deal, folks.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's always somebody prettier, there's always somebody smarter, and there's always somebody less pretty, and there's always somebody less smart.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_01: What is it gonna take for you to finally just say, you know what?
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_01: I am who I am, and I just need to learn to make peace with that.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_01: If you can ever learn to be happy with the person God made you, you'll be amazed at how much less stressful life feels.
• 1:04:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing how when you really start working on this, it's amazing how much energy you realize you've been wasting trying to be someone you're not.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_01: Someone might call up to want me to come minister in their church.
• 1:05:05
  SPEAKER_01: And let's say I don't know who they are.
• 1:05:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I say, hey, let's just talk a minute.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_01: What are you kind of wanting?
• 1:05:11
  SPEAKER_01: Man, we just want you to bring revival and we want you to just bring the presence of God, and we just want the people released in the gifts of the Spirit.
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you know what, dude?
• 1:05:21
  SPEAKER_01: I can give you a few phone numbers, but I'm just not your guy.
• 1:05:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's just not what I do.
• 1:05:27
  SPEAKER_01: Do I occasionally operate in the gifts?
• 1:05:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, about once a year.
• 1:05:31
  SPEAKER_01: Do I occasionally have crazy manifestations of God's presence?
• 1:05:36
  SPEAKER_01: I guess, every once in a while.
• 1:05:38
  SPEAKER_01: But that's just not what I'm about.
• 1:05:41
  SPEAKER_01: So then I say, dude, if you want me someone to come to your church that will get your people thinking, maybe at a deeper, maybe at a deeper level.
• 1:05:53
  SPEAKER_01: Is God trying to tell me something?
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:05:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you want somebody to come to your church that'll get your people thinking, maybe at a deeper level than they have in a long time, that will mess with their head in their relationship with God and His love.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_01: If you want somebody that'll help build healthier relationships, but not a whole lot of flashy, fancy stuff, I said you might want to consider having me in your church.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, how many of you know you you got to get comfortable with the make the way God made you?
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_01: Know yourself, like yourself, be yourself.
• 1:06:32
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you spend more time with than anybody else?
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_01: You ever thought about that?
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds dumb.
• 1:06:39
  SPEAKER_01: The one person you spend More time with than anybody else.
• 1:06:42
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't it terrible to not like the person you spend the most time with?
• 1:06:48
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't it terrible?
• 1:06:50
  SPEAKER_01: That you don't like the person you spend the most time with.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_01: God's just helped me to get to the place where I like myself.
• 1:06:58
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't think I'm all that in a bag of chips, but I like myself.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_01: I like, you know, I'm alright, God.
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm alright.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_01: I got some strengths, got some weaknesses, but I'm alright.
• 1:07:13
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you a cool way the Lord dropped into my heart how valuable I am.
• 1:07:19
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you have ever been to an auction?
• 1:07:22
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been to an auction?
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you hold up an object and you say, who give me, you know, who give me$5, who give me$10, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_01: Down in our our part of the country in the south, you got guys who make their living and they're these magically voiced, I mean, it's amazing what they can do with all that's crazy.
• 1:07:41
  SPEAKER_01: And they even have this little code language they use.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_01: But I want you to imagine you're at an auction and the auctioneer holds up an object that is of value to you.
• 1:07:53
  SPEAKER_01: What will you pay for that object?
• 1:07:57
  SPEAKER_01: What are you gonna pay for it?
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna pay whatever it's worth.
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna kind of figure out how much it's worth, and that's what you pay for it.
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_01: You say, you know what?
• 1:08:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's worth 20 bucks to me.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_01: So how much are you gonna pay?
• 1:08:22
  SPEAKER_01: You'll pay up to 20 bucks.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_01: You might say, man, that thing's worth 500 bucks to me.
• 1:08:29
  SPEAKER_01: You'll pay 500 bucks.
• 1:08:31
  SPEAKER_01: So the way you determine how valuable something is to someone is by determining how much they're willing to pay for it.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:08:41
  SPEAKER_01: All right, really important question.
• 1:08:43
  SPEAKER_01: You were once up for auction, and God paid for you.
• 1:08:53
  SPEAKER_01: You pay for something what is of equal value to that something.
• 1:09:00
  SPEAKER_01: What did he pay for you?
• 1:09:04
  SPEAKER_01: What did he pay for you?
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_01: What does that tell you?
• 1:09:12
  SPEAKER_01: How valuable are you to God?
• 1:09:17
  SPEAKER_01: We almost can't say it.
• 1:09:19
  SPEAKER_01: Equal to Jesus.
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mean in God's heart I'm equal in value to Jesus?
• 1:09:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly what I mean.
• 1:09:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now the problem is life screams a different message.
• 1:09:47
  SPEAKER_01: But what if you just learn to meditate on that?
• 1:09:51
  SPEAKER_01: And meditate on that and meditate on that?
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_01: And what if you did what we talked about yesterday?
• 1:09:56
  SPEAKER_01: You said it until you believed it, and then you said it because you believed it.
• 1:10:03
  SPEAKER_01: See, I just I just believe in submitting to God.
• 1:10:06
  SPEAKER_01: How many of you believe in submitting to God?
• 1:10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, my Bible says that Jesus ransomed me with himself.
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_01: So what does that mean?
• 1:10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was on an auction block, and God said, I've got to pay something of equal value.
• 1:10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And he paid Jesus.
• 1:10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize how valuable you are?
• 1:10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Another way to say it.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine you're sitting on this step up here.
• 1:10:37
  SPEAKER_01: You're sitting here, and Jesus himself is sitting next to you.
• 1:10:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're sitting there, and Jesus himself sitting next to you.
• 1:10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And one of us says to God the Father, Father, see Jesus and Chipper?
• 1:10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then one of you asks him this.
• 1:11:02
  SPEAKER_01: See Jesus and Chipper sitting there?
• 1:11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you love more?
• 1:11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you love more?
• 1:11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what his answer is?
• 1:11:14
  SPEAKER_04: Hmm.
• 1:11:16
  SPEAKER_01: I love them both the same.
• 1:11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember Jesus said that, Father, you've loved them the same way you've loved me?
• 1:11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's what I'm trying to say to you.
• 1:11:32
  SPEAKER_01: When those kind of truths build roots down into your soul, you'll never be the same.
• 1:11:41
  SPEAKER_01: You'll never be the same.
• 1:11:44
  SPEAKER_01: When the Bible says perfect love casts out fear.
• 1:11:51
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have so much fear.
• 1:11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Gosh, I had so much fear.
• 1:11:59
  SPEAKER_01: I remember this little cheerleader in high school.
• 1:12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, I had a crush on her.
• 1:12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'd watch her on Fridays football games, you know, they'd wear their little cheerleader outfit and she had this little skirt.
• 1:12:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, ooh, that looks good.
• 1:12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, ow, I had such a crush on her.
• 1:12:20
  SPEAKER_01: We had a couple of classes together, and I was pretty smart.
• 1:12:24
  SPEAKER_01: And we'd we'd help each other with our homework.
• 1:12:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, oh my goodness, I had a yearning in my soul for this girl.
• 1:12:35
  SPEAKER_01: I never asked her out.
• 1:12:37
  SPEAKER_01: Why not?
• 1:12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was scared to death.
• 1:12:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was scared, because here's what I thought.
• 1:12:47
  SPEAKER_01: If I leave it alone, I can't get hurt.
• 1:12:53
  SPEAKER_01: But if I ever asked that question, it could rip my heart out.
• 1:12:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I was so afraid that I was not in her class, you know, at her level.
• 1:13:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I found out later?
• 1:13:10
  SPEAKER_01: She had just as big a crush on me.
• 1:13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And we never acted on it.
• 1:13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Never.
• 1:13:20
  SPEAKER_01: What was the thief?
• 1:13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Fear.
• 1:13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Fear.
• 1:13:29
  SPEAKER_01: When I was getting a revelation of that, fear, heard a guy preach on the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, and he took that and connected it to fear, and he said, the greatest thief in most of our lives is fear.
• 1:13:44
  SPEAKER_01: And what happened after I'd heard that message, it was like I was a journaler by this time.
• 1:13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And after I heard that message, God showed me what I just told you.
• 1:13:57
  SPEAKER_01: And he showed me a whole handful of events in my life where I could have had something I didn't have because of fear.
• 1:14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Fear.
• 1:14:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, you gotta use this time, use this place, use this opportunity to wrestle with your fears.
• 1:14:22
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, folks, I'm not an idiot.
• 1:14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know life's mean.
• 1:14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know people are mean.
• 1:14:30
  SPEAKER_01: As much as you try not to, there's always a pecking order.
• 1:14:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's always a click.
• 1:14:37
  SPEAKER_01: And there's always, I'd like to be in that click, but I don't fit there.
• 1:14:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a magic wand to fix all that.
• 1:14:48
  SPEAKER_01: But God has one, in quotes, not literally magic, and that is if you learn to receive and rest in his love, it will cast out fear.
• 1:14:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then two things will happen.
• 1:15:01
  SPEAKER_01: You might have the courage to get into some circles that you wouldn't normally have even tried.
• 1:15:07
  SPEAKER_01: And number two, you won't care as much, anyways.
• 1:15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because your whole sense of who you are isn't built around other people's opinion of you.
• 1:15:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's built around his and his love for you.
• 1:15:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's crazy about my life?
• 1:15:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I would feel weird to tell you some of what's going on in my life right now.
• 1:15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And some of the people next Thursday I'm having lunch with.
• 1:15:34
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what's crazy?
• 1:15:36
  SPEAKER_01: None of this stuff started happening.
• 1:15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to this now.
• 1:15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Until I didn't need it anymore.
• 1:15:44
  SPEAKER_01: I used to want it.
• 1:15:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to feel important.
• 1:15:47
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to feel accepted.
• 1:15:48
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to feel whatever.
• 1:15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I learned all this stuff I'm talking to you about to where I didn't care anymore.
• 1:15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 1:15:57
  SPEAKER_01: No, all that crazy stuff's happening.
• 1:16:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't care.
• 1:16:03
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 1:16:06
  SPEAKER_01: What I care about is sitting up in my room this morning and putting on this song that just draws me into his presence.
• 1:16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And feeling his love surround me and pick me up.
• 1:16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And just say, Chipper, I'm so glad you learned to let me do this.
• 1:16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because I love these moments we have together.
• 1:16:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so grateful that you've learned to let me love you.
• 1:16:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 1:16:43
  SPEAKER_01: You spend some time with God like that, you don't care about, forgive me, some stupid guy with a big church.
• 1:16:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't mean that.
• 1:16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying it to make a point.
• 1:16:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:16:56
  SPEAKER_01: When you learn to bask in God's opinion of you, the opinion of other people?
• 1:17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 1:17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 1:17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so-and-so didn't give me a second look.
• 1:17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 1:17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really think I care?
• 1:17:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, that network doesn't like the way you minister.
• 1:17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really think I care?
• 1:17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I just spent time in the presence of God wrapped up in his love.
• 1:17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really think I'm going to give up that place because Bozo over there doesn't like me?
• 1:17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Do you get what I'm saying?
• 1:17:36
  SPEAKER_01: There's a place you can learn to walk that is literally like you're from another planet.
• 1:17:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you're from another planet.
• 1:17:51
  SPEAKER_01: I beg you, I beg you.
• 1:17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't let the essence of your worth and value be determined by other broken vessels that are just scraping along trying to get what they can.
• 1:18:06
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't let that happen.
• 1:18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Establish your worth and value on the declared words, will, actions, and behavior of your amazing God and Father.
• 1:18:25
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what's the biggest reason it's hard for this to click?
• 1:18:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's because the first mom and dad we got probably didn't do a great job of this.
• 1:18:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 1:18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because their mom and dad didn't.
• 1:18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 1:18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because their mom and dad didn't.
• 1:18:42
  SPEAKER_01: What am I trying to say?
• 1:18:45
  SPEAKER_01: It isn't about fault and blame.
• 1:18:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's just about realizing I wasn't taught how to feel valuable.
• 1:18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 1:18:57
  SPEAKER_01: You weren't taught how to feel valuable.
• 1:18:59
  SPEAKER_01: You're going to spend the rest of your life there?
• 1:19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Or are you going to do a little bit of hard work to learn how to feel valuable?
• 1:19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Not based on some humanistic silliness, but based on the redemptive acts of a God who loves you and came after you.
• 1:19:21
  SPEAKER_01: Can a person frustrate God?
• 1:19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Can a person frustrate God?
• 1:19:32
  SPEAKER_01: According to Galatians 2.21, Galatians 2.20 says, I'm crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me.
• 1:19:40
  SPEAKER_01: The life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave his life for me.
• 1:19:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know what the next phrase is?
• 1:19:49
  SPEAKER_01: I do not frustrate the grace of God.
• 1:19:54
  SPEAKER_01: I can frustrate God.
• 1:19:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know how we frustrate God?
• 1:19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's a religious answer.
• 1:20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Sin frustrates God.
• 1:20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Nah.
• 1:20:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know what frustrates God?
• 1:20:08
  SPEAKER_01: That after all he's done, we won't let him love us.
• 1:20:15
  SPEAKER_01: We won't let him love us.
• 1:20:19
  SPEAKER_01: After all he's done, we still kind of push his love off, deflect it.
• 1:20:27
  SPEAKER_01: And God wants so badly for you to just let him love you.
• 1:20:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's times when you know you're thinking about what God likes about you or is pleased with in you or whatever.
• 1:20:42
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what I find that God's the most pleased with in my life?
• 1:20:47
  SPEAKER_01: And that he thanks me for the most?
• 1:20:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, he thanks me.
• 1:20:51
  SPEAKER_01: He says, Chipper, thank you that you've made it easy for me to love you.
• 1:20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you that you've learned how to make it easy for me to love you.
• 1:21:07
  SPEAKER_01: He likes that.
• 1:21:09
  SPEAKER_01: He really likes that.
• 1:21:12
  SPEAKER_01: So what if you just, while you're up here, you just kind of are committed to, I want to learn how to let God love me.
• 1:21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Would that be cool or what?
• 1:21:29
  SPEAKER_01: I can talk all day about this stuff.
• 1:21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry to keep you late for your break.
• 1:21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Any questions about anything before we break?
• 1:21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, ma'am.
• 1:21:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just wondering, how is a healthy way to deal with people who um like intentionally hurt you or um like family or friends who are not treating you well?
• 1:22:00
  SPEAKER_02: Do you let them out of your life or um like where do the boundaries come in that area?
• 1:22:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, if I had someone in my life who I felt like was intentionally hurting me, now this is what I how I would probably handle it.
• 1:22:18
  SPEAKER_01: I would probably, if they were valuable enough to me, in other words, if if the relationship was one I really felt like God wanted to redeem or preserve, um, I would probably actually meet with them and say, here's the deal.
• 1:22:32
  SPEAKER_01: I love you, I really would like to stay in relationship with you, but your behavior is hurtful.
• 1:22:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think you know it's hurtful.
• 1:22:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just serving you notice that if we can't figure out a way to adjust your behavior, I'm gonna adjust our relationship.
• 1:22:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I would be as gentle as I could, but as firm as I could, and let them know that their continuing to hurt me is not acceptable.
• 1:22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 1:23:00
  SPEAKER_01: I can live without you.
• 1:23:03
  SPEAKER_01: I really can.
• 1:23:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to, because I really feel like we're meant to be in each other's lives.
• 1:23:08
  SPEAKER_01: But I can live without you, and I will if you don't work on changing your behavior.
• 1:23:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that would include for me, even a family member, if I had to.
• 1:23:19
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll talk more about that as we go through some stuff.
• 1:23:23
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's go ahead and take our break.
• 1:23:25
  SPEAKER_01: 15 minutes.
• 1:23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Love you guys.
• 1:23:36
  unknown: Sorry, simple.