Latest / The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast / Solo Parenting, Marriage Advice From Suzanne Stabile and Building Trust: More Clips From the 2022 Wholehearted Summit

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Solo Parenting, Marriage Advice From Suzanne Stabile and Building Trust: More Clips From the 2022 Wholehearted Summit · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Did you enjoy last week's podcast episode with audio clips from the next and upcoming wholehearted Enneagram Summit?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: Well, then you're gonna enjoy this week's episode since I'm giving you some more sneak peeks into three speakers' interviews from the summit, which is happening on September 12th.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: Now, if it's past September 12th, you're not too late, so keep listening.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: You can hear their full-length interviews by using the link in the show notes to sign up for the summit, which in case you didn't know is all online.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: You don't even have to reside in Kansas City like me to be able to enjoy it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: Isn't technology such a gift?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: And if you would like to have access for life to these teaching videos from the Enneagram experts on topics like faith, leadership, parenting, marriage, and more, well, you can get the all access pass for the summit.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: Now, please note that the free traditional summit pass has a limit of 24 hours to watch the videos.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: So I think you're probably gonna want to upgrade to that all access pass because these interviews are amazing and you'll want to watch them and have access to them for a long time to come.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: Hi, I'm Amy Wicks, a Jesus and Enneagram enthusiast.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: As a wife, mama of three humans, and a fur baby, I get it.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_02: Juggling entrepreneurship and a family is challenging, but I believe the Lord does want your work to be enjoyable.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: As an Enneagram Type 7, I am all about the fun factor.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: And this podcast is here to help you put the joy back into working mom life.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: So you can see 1 Timothy 6.17 come to pass in your own unique life.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's a verse that says that God has given us all things to enjoy.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: All friends, it means all.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: Motherhood, work from home life, or work out of the home life.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: With the Lord's help, there is truly a way to feel calm, balance, joy, clarity, and peace in any arena of life.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Simply Wholehearted Podcast, where you can expect solo-style and interview style episodes that are full of faith-based concepts, simple ideas, Enneagram insights, alongside practical tips to help you put that smile back on your face when it comes to doing life with Jesus.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Now get your headphones and head to that big pile of dishes in the sink, or maybe that bathroom that needed cleaning two weeks ago.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: And let's get to learning together.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: Now, today you're going to be hearing a snippet from Kim Eddy's Summit interview.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: This year at the summit, she's speaking about co-parenting or solo parenting because that's been an experience in her world.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: Kim was recently on the podcast back in episode 258, and we released the full-length interview from the 2021 Wholehearted Summit.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: She and I had a powerful conversation about Christian overlays.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: So if you haven't listened to that, you're probably going to want to download that one next.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: While it's hard to hear how the church can sometimes put unfair expectations on people that goes against their God-given personality, I think you will find so many redeeming ideas in that conversation.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, now here's a clip from our conversation for this year's 2022 summit.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: She did a beautiful job of sharing on a deeply sensitive topic.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're going to be blessed by her wisdom and vulnerability.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: If there's rules, you follow the rules.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: If there's not rules, you make a rule and follow that rule.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Would that be a little bit indicative of your personality and how you perceive along those lines of values?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe insert the word even values as opposed to rules.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think so.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because it it helps to know what the lines are so that I can stay well on the appropriate side of the line.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: The good side.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: The good side.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: The right side.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: The right side.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: If and if I don't know what the lines are, then I tend to get confused or frustrated.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'll often ask people to articulate it, even if they might feel like it's obvious.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like, okay, how do we do things here?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like what is your expectation?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, things like that.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I do like to know what the rules are for sure.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes there are other people, sometimes I'm like, no, my rule wins.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna follow mine.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I bet you make great rules.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'd probably follow yours, though I'm known to be a rule breaker or try to like, you know, push the limits, if you will.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: My five and eight-year-old, they're like, I don't know about these rules like that.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I don't know.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever, mom.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: One of the reasons why I'm having you share today is because you are in the thick of motherhood yourself.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: You're in the thick of parenting and parenting in a unique situation.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: So I would love for you to dive into kind of the the big picture of the topic.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: And then I think what I understood is that you do have essentially an action step, insight and action step for each personality type.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: What we decided that I would share today, and you were very gracious because I was like, this is what I'm going through.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe I could share about this, um, is co-parenting.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I I know that there's a lot of nuance there, you know, around what that situation looks like.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: So co-parenting, single parenting, I'll probably end up calling it solo parenting because sometimes you're sharing that time.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you're not, and it's all on you all the time.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes, you know, so I I and I think that co-parenting or single parenting, it's often overlooked or an uncomfortable topic, Christian circles.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: And in very unhealthy environments, it can be even seen as like a consequence to be endured, like this is like penance or something, and not a circumstance to be supported, just like any circumstance should be supported in Christian circles.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: And there's really a lot that we can talk about around that.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I could go into it for hours, but I'm really gonna try and keep my tips to things that would apply to almost everyone.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I'm gonna go just a little bit broad is because there's so many things that can bring nuance, like like whether it was divorce or there's a current legal battle, or there was a death of a spouse that caused this, or blending families, or trying to honor co-parenting agreements, or holding your co-parent accountable to that agreement, or yes, experiencing somewhere along the spectrum of judgment or support from you know, your your inner circle, your family and friends, and there's so many things.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like the list could go on and on of the ways that my situation could be different from someone else and us having the same parenting label slapped on us, you know.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so I know that the nuance is there.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna try and honor the nuance in this conversation that we have.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, without giving all the caveats because you know, you could be on to something here about this being a full book or something, because I think I think I, you know, not that's not to put pressure, but I I know that um so many of my clients are in this boat, and it definitely plays into why they're coming for advice in juggling both career, their own self-awareness journey and their parenting journey, because they are oftentimes doing it in a solo capacity, and it's very, very challenging.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Parenting is challenging no matter what, but you add the painful elements oftentimes along with it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Ugh, yeah.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: So yes, absolutely.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm glad you're here to share on this.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I'm gonna talk about today, what I'm gonna kind of zoom in on today is solo parenting time.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: When you are the only parent, it is all on you, and that's different.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're trying to be the village, all rolled up into one person.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it is different from like married couples in a thriving relationship who also experience solo parenting time.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when I when I was married, I experienced deployments of six months at a time, but it's very different when it's not a tag team situation.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: There's no option for teamwork or evaluation or you know, constructive criticism or help or you know, affirmation or support.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's just no opportunity for that.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what I'm gonna focus on, whether someone who's watching is a totally single parent, someone who has a co-parent.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be a special kind of stress and feeling of responsibility where you feel like the parenting is on you.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: And for some, it will be because there is no other parent in the picture.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: For some, it may be your values are so different from your co-parent, and you feel the responsibility to be the safe person for your children, knowing what might be going on at the other house.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's so much to it.
• 9:28
  unknown: Yeah.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: But either way, the solo parenting time has a lot of weight to it, no matter what the other stuff around it is.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what I decided to zoom in on today.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And and one of the things that I love about the Enneagram is that it's really so versatile.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like we can grow in awareness and learn new ways of showing up in any area of our lives, right?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that I love is finding like the hidden areas that feel insurmountable or like outside of our locus of control.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I can't help it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is just how it is.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: So this is how I respond.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And try and help people grow and thrive, even in spite of those difficult circumstances.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that being a solo parent is one of those things uh that we can learn to thrive.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that it is a difficult situation, no matter how you got there or what it looks like.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: And and so, so that's what I'm gonna hopefully share some insights and give some insights into what might be a struggle.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And hey, here's some things to try.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I do want to before we get too far into it, let people know that I'll share like a PDF download for people where I go a little bit more into it because when there's nine types, it's hard to share as much and then also give people maybe some resources.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: And and yeah, we, you know, I think this is why I love doing this, is I really love resourcing people.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's I, you know, it's part of my enthusiastic nature.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: If I think it's good and I think you are quality and you offer quality and you you just do things at such a high level, these resources, people, you need to understand.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: The time it takes to put together a good resource is it's hard to boil it down into hours.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: There's so much time and energy spent behind something.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: So I promise you, it is worth downloading this resource to take it to the next level.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I would just say if you're watching this live during the week that this summit is going live, and you after you listen or even like you've listened so far and you know your friend needs to hear this, please share them.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_02: Share them the free link.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: They can watch this live for free for 24 hours.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: And even if this is the only one they need, we want this to get in the hands of the right people who really need this information.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: So anyway, just had to give my enthusiasm behind it.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you, Kim.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so so I do have a few caveats and a few tips for everyone, no matter what your type is.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And that one of the caveats is I'm going to assume that everyone, and I know if they're watching this, then they have access to a lot of different Enneagram resources that are more broad, more maybe getting into the basics and and really a lot of the personality stuff.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna trust that everybody has access to those and maybe knows a little bit.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't, you can come back to this, you know, um, later if you want, or take notes and then see, oh, well, this is how that fits.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I kind of love that because I can just get to the tips, I can just get to the actions and and trust listeners will know, viewers will know a little bit about their type potentially.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And also I want to caveat that I'm not coming in like hard and heavy.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not, but I'm gonna try and find a potential struggle, and that's gonna sound like, why is she calling me out?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not, you know, I'm not, but I I think that there's there's a reason for why this is a struggle.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a there's a depth and a hurt there that I want viewers to understand.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, I get why that struggle is there.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And what one of the things that we want to do as we're solo parenting is I want viewers to feel my empathy because I get it.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: It makes so much sense why this is your struggle.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: It makes so much sense to me.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: But those struggles can come out in behaviors that not only can keep us from growth, but can potentially damage like our home, you know, how our home is, how how safe our home is for our children.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so so there's many facets of looking at this solo parenting time.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: How can I help me feel safe?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: How can I help my children feel safe with me?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not calling any parents out.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And if I am, it's only as much as I'm calling myself out.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and that is the gift of the Enneagram to show us where we need more help and where we need to take that next step of awareness.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, it's not hearing a negative thing, it's not a static thing, right?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: You're not stuck there the rest of your life in that behavior pattern.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: The the whole goal and the point of this is that it's the gift of transformation when we understand this about ourselves.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: So you're giving us a gift today, Ken, I reassure you.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was like, as I was looking through my notes, I'm like, I just don't have time to like talk about all the strengths and the beauty that each type brings to their solo parenting time.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: You do, if you're watching this, you have so many beautiful things that you are are already bringing to the table for time's sake.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: And because we aren't in a coaching relationship where I can like really pour into each viewer, um, we're gonna try and get to the heart of the matter.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that can feel like, you know, a knife.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: A little we're just getting straight to the heart.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_02: Surgeons doing the work here, yeah.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it might feel like that, but you're also bringing so many things to the table already.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: You are a solo parent, whatever that looks like for you, and you are watching this on behalf of growing and thriving.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And even just being here and watching this is a beautiful thing because that shows the heart that you are in it for your kids, you're in it for your growth and your thriving, and all of that is so beautiful.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: So as we're cutting to the heart, remember that.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_02: Next up, we have uh Suzanne Stabil.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, you heard me say the name right.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: She is the co-author of the famous Enneagram book, The Road Back to You, and she is also a part of the summit this year.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: Now, she has many other books credited to her name, and we're going to talk about her recent one that just released.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: It was truly an honor and a gift to interview Suzanne.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_02: I just love listening to her soothing voice and getting to sit under her thoughtful explanations of all things Enneagram.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: During her interview, Suzanne dove into subtypes, Enneagram subtypes, and how different life events can actually impact your subtype, whereas your dominant Enneagram type is something that can't change.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: So today you're going to hear the very end of our interview where she shared a bit of marriage wisdom that I know is going to bless and encourage many of you.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_06: How much life experience do you need on board to know who you are and who uh you are called?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_06: I I struggle with that word some because it's overused, but I would rather say who you have the opportunity to be.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_06: That's good.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_06: And you know, just being who you are and doing what you like to do doesn't last.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_06: Amen.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_06: And you may make the rules in a small environment, but you won't be the one who's making them in a larger environment.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_06: So I think we have something to learn from every number, and I think we have something to learn from every generation, and I think we have something to learn from every subtype.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I'm 71.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_06: And I grew up in a home with parents who were highly evolved.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_06: I graduated from high school in 1969, who said you you can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_06: So uh it it takes a long time to figure out who you are created to be, as opposed to who you are when you look in the mirror, I think.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: So wise, Suzanne.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm all so wise.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, because I have met many a person in your generation, your age, and they do not have the wisdom to offer.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: So you've taken knowledge, you have worn it through, and come out, you know, with wisdom.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, that's even my principle of reading a proverb every day.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: I can't, I don't memorize well, but I'll tell you what, there's things that are guided in my conversations as a coach and as a mom, as a spouse, as a friend that come from wearing those pages thin.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_02: Now, as a seven, I have to try them out in different translations year to year, but I just skip Proverbs 31.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not a Proverbs 31 wife, and my children just have Joe's a lectionary preacher, so we hear it every three years.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my children think that that's the best Sunday of the year.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_06: They all look at me and laugh and all the stuff.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_06: So, you know, that is what it is.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_06: But I'll tell you what I write at the top of my paper.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_06: I write Luke 12, 12, which is the spirit will give you what to say when you need it.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, amen.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_06: And I I believe that.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, wholeheartedly.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: Well, okay, so we have like I just love conversations like this because they're genuine, they're transparent, vulnerable, and there's nuggets of gold in here.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: I would love for you to just share however whatever you've got on your heart here as it relates to marriage, how we can utilize your book, how can we utilize the tool of the Enneagram and use it in a way because to have a marriage like yours, Suzanne, it's it's like God obviously paired you together, and you guys have made a covenant relationship and you have commitment.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_02: It marriage takes work.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I am so grateful.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm only 18 years in and knowing my husband's type, man, it saved us a bunch.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: So give us some wisdom of how we can utilize this to maybe someday have a marriage like yours.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_02: That would be incredible.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_06: Well, thank you for all of those good words.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_06: I I I hope in all humility agree with you about our marriage.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_06: It's quite something, and we have really worked at it.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_06: And it has been a priority for us that took place above everything else except our relationships with God.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_06: And it's been work.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_06: And one of the things we we often hear, we have all of our marriage, y'all are so lucky, and we find that very offensive because we didn't get here by luck, we got here by working at this and working hard at it.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_06: So let me start there.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_06: The next thing I would say is I I I think the addition of Maurice Nicole's work in the 1940s to Enneagram wisdom that was being uh uh uh uh revived in the 1940s, which pointed out that we have three centers of intelligence and they are thinking, feeling, and doing.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_06: And we all have those three, they're like our natural resources, we all have them.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_06: And I know that's not a big aha moment for people, but it should be.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_06: And so that laid on the enneagram lets you know that twos, threes, and fours are feeling dominant, five, sixes, and sevens are thinking dominant, and eight signs and ones are doing dominant.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_06: And so the first place the enneagram helps you, if you really know your number, is it it helps you know how you receive stimulus from the environment.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_06: So Joe receives all of that with what needs to be done, but I receive all of that with what do I feel.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_06: And those are two completely different things.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_06: So when we're looking at the very same thing, we're not seeing the same thing and we're certainly not processing it the same way.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_06: And the goal is to use thinking for thinking and feeling for feeling and doing for doing.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_06: And yet the dominant center tends to take over and all of that.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_06: And then the next reality is Karen Horneye's work, which she was German American, and that's also the 1940s.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_06: And her work says essentially that we all either move toward other people, away from other people, or against other people.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_06: I don't agree with the language for the last one.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_06: I might have in the 1940s.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_06: But I think entigram types who stand independently make other people feel like they're moving against them when they're not.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_04: Yep.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_06: And so we are not only dominant in one of the three centers, but we're repressed in one of the three centers.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_06: And Karen Horney's work helps get us to that repressed center.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_06: And so you also need to know if you're going to do any RAM work, not just the dominant center of your spouse or partner, but also the repressed center.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_06: Because if your repressed center is dominant for your partner, that's a problem.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_06: And if it's not supportive even for your partner, that's a problem.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_06: And so in order to recognize how we take in information and how we make sense of it and decide what to do with it, is what we spend most of our time arguing over.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_06: And so true.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_06: If you think of the last 10 arguments you had, they'll be about that.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_06: And you have to do your own work.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_06: So I'm thinking repressed, and my work is always to bring up thinking.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_06: And Joe happens to be a core number, so he's doing domino and doing repressed.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_06: So he has to bring up doing the right thing.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_06: But if you don't know that, then you feel slighted when you haven't been.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_06: You feel misunderstood when you have been, but you don't take it in as being just misunderstood.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_06: You take it in as being intentional in some way instead of intuitive in some way.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: It's a personal affront.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_02: It's an actual like something to be resentful over.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_06: And so I think if you do that work and if you use that as part of your conversation patterns and the way you do that, I gave all the people around me who are who have the right to have this position when I'm just using feeling and doing to just ask me what I think.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_06: Just ask me what I'm thinking.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_06: And that has been as effective in my journey toward more health and more holistic living and being a better person as almost anything else I've done.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_06: Because I I made my way a long time in the world just using feeling and doing.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_06: I thought.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_06: And so it's just a it's a huge piece.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_02: The other thing is go ahead.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I was wondering, do you guys use that language with one another to check in when you guys are maybe on the feeling one of you is feeling slided, missed all of that?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's really powerful.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_06: And I I would say that it because we trust each other, it doesn't create a bit of bigger conversation than it needs to.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_06: We trust that enneagram wisdom and we trust each other.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_06: So we don't end up with why would you ask me what I'm thinking?
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm not thinking?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm not smart?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_06: I've written three books.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm not smart?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_06: I do the whole routine, right?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_06: And joke and say, I've been doing since I put my feet on the floor this morning.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm not doing?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm not doing the right thing?
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_06: What order do you think I should?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_06: You know, all the stuff.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_06: Most of that we don't do anymore.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_06: We don't have time, number one.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_06: We don't want to spend our time together that way, number two.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_06: And it's not helpful.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_04: No.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_06: Because if you feel attacked rather than heard, then you just dig in.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_06: And you know, I think I at 75 and 71 and still really in love, we just don't want to waste time that way.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: And part of that is a choice to remain unoffendable.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_02: And now that is a statement that could be misused and misconstrued, but in a safe relationship, a safe, trusting relationship, this is where I feel like the Enneagram has helped me the most in putting that lens of compassion and understanding and going, my my husband's a nine as well.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_02: And so instead of becoming defensive and hurt, that he would bring up others' perspectives or interject that in the conversation, or when I'm upset and hurt, it would so insult me.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_02: And before I understood that, oh, that's actually his superpower and his strength.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_02: And so I can now pause and instead of becoming offended, consider what does he have to say about this that maybe I do need to hear as a feeling repressed person, interestingly enough, which I think is such a radical thought for Sevens to go, yeah, you're actually feeling repressed.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_02: And we'll have a whole nother conversation about that, whether we're coaching or my group coaching or in the book.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_02: I think that piece for so many of my clients has been an aha moment that has changed the conversation.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_06: Absolutely.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_06: And in terms of you considering that unoffendable might be misunderstood or misheard, Thomas Merton taught so many things so well.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_06: He taught that any anytime you are offended, it's your false self.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, okay.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_02: I like that.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_06: Well, it's very hard to argue with.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:19
  unknown: Okay.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_06: So I have to write that one down.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_06: It's not that you're not offendable, it's that your false self is is the part of you that's offended.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_06: So how do you get to back to your true self so that the offense doesn't set up more offendable moments?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, friend, I hope that as you listen, you're meditating on this and taking it and letting it sink and wearing it thin.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_02: I love that illustration, Suzanne.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to remember that for a long time of taking knowledge, wearing it thin, asking those who I get to walk alongside of to do the same with the information.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_02: It's great that they show up for an hour coaching session, but if they don't do anything from that, it's just a waste of time.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_02: You've got to try it on and feel it and marinate in it.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_06: Well, I don't ever think it's a waste.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_06: I can't imagine that what you give somebody in an hour is a waste.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, thank you.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_02: I would hope not.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_06: I would suggest that it doesn't reach its potential unless they work with it in between.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: I like that.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good reframing.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_02: Well done with your superpower.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_02: Man, I am looking at the time.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: I I am not surprised that it went so just so beautifully, so fast, so much here.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: Is there any last pieces of wisdom that you'd want to give us as we kind of finish this?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then also where we can find your book, where we can continue that conversation with you and your team who are well versed in how you teach this and how you encourage people to explore it.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_06: Closing words from me around the Enneagram are always hold it loosely.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_06: It is really, really great.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_06: And it's very helpful when used in a holistic way.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_06: But it's just one spiritual wisdom tool.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_06: And you need a lot of others to make it.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_06: So I think that is one thing I would say.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_06: And the other thing I would say is don't don't minimize Enneagram wisdom.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm not I'm not negating all the little pieces of Enneagram information that are available.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_06: But they're not all correct.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_06: And so along with the gift of the reality that the Enneagram is popular right now, it won't always be.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_06: So it's a good time for you and me, right?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_06: It is.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_06: But don't don't fall into thinking that it doesn't have uh two sides.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_06: And you can hurt people with the Enneagram.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_06: So don't.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_06: Just don't.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_06: Never use the Enneagram as an excuse for bad behavior.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_06: Don't type other people you have no idea what type they are.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_06: Let them do that for themselves.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_06: And never use your Enneagram number, never use it as an excuse.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_02: Well said.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_02: Last but certainly not least, we have Evan Doyle from Enneagram and Gifts.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so thankful Evan reached out to be part of the summit because this conversation and this guy is gold.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_02: The Enneagram 5 that he is does tons of research.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_02: And as we are the audience, we get to be treated to a powerful interview about earning the trust of each Enneagram type.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_02: It was truly a unique conversation and one I thoroughly enjoyed being part of.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_02: I am so excited for you to glean insights from Evan on the topic of why trust is so important at home and work.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Different things that were required to operate and lead in those types of roles didn't always come naturally to me.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to work pretty hard to develop some of those things.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm happy to have gained and to have developed those things.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: But one of the ways it impacted me was it helped me to be more at ease just with who I am.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: It gave me a language and an understanding about things that I had never been able to hyperverbalize.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: I remember listening to a podcast, a panel of my type talk about what it was like to be this number.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was exercising in the gym, jumping rope, just a normal workout, and started to have tears stream down my face because I felt like someone understood what it was like to be me.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: Being in different leadership roles, using all types of personality assessments, uh, different things to just help us understand one another.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never come across a resource that put words to personality quite like the Enneagram.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I never liked being confined.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I always felt like other things put me in a box.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I have always felt more expansive than that.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I liked that the Enneagrams were, like you said, were more than our number.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we can actually grow out of unhealthy aspects related to our personality.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's not confining, it actually helps create a path out of those places.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just appreciate it.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: For you, where did you begin your research?
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's clear, just again, back to the website, you have done extensive fact-finding and done the deep digging on an Enneagram on all of that.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_02: For you, where did you begin?
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_02: Did you get certified?
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_02: Did you start reading books?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_02: What was your leaning to try to find out more about yourself, but more about this typology in general?
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I first came across the Enneagram through Ian Cron.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I was listening to podcasts like Michael Hyatt, Donald Miller, and I think Ian Cron was even popping up as guests on their podcast.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: So The Road Back to You, I think that was the first book that I read.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: The rest of the research was just online.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: I always feel the need to share this.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: I do not pretend or want others to think that I'm an Enneagram expert.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: What I've tried to do on Enneagramgift.com is just curate the best Enneagram content and resources for people who maybe have questions about some of the finer details.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to make it more accessible to them.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm not an expert.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just curating the experts and the good information that I believe is most helpful and trying to make it available or more accessible.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_02: No, you have done just that.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't remember what the saying is, but if you've done a certain thing for a certain amount of hours, you suddenly get to call yourself an expert.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm guessing you're not too far off from that.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, yeah.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's just those feel like deep waters, and it's nothing that I want to like just jump into or pretend like I'm swimming in.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, and this whole aspect of the conversation is very indicative of your personality leaning, there will always be more information to gather and uncover.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Always.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_02: That is so great.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_02: Well, today I'm just so excited to have you share resources with my people.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_02: Again, whether it's your website and you have some downloads available and things like that.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: We're going to talk about that a little bit further in the conversation.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_02: But today, would you give us kind of an overview of how you're going to share the information and some of your resource gathering that you've done so well for us?
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually want to approach the subject of trust and I want to lay a foundation for trust, what trust is, why it's so important, especially for leaders, but then also spend a bit of time discussing why each Enneagram type may specifically have struggles or difficulty directly related to trust.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the most easy way to approach that would be discussing that in terms of triads.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's kind of what I'd like to do is lay a foundation for trust and then talk a bit about why each type may have difficulty trusting.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_02: I love this.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_02: I think this is really important because trust is earned both ways, right?
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_02: And a phraseology, if you will, I use with a lot of my clients is this concept that trust is lost by the bucketfuls and earned by the spoonfuls.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so trust is not easily earned and very quickly broken down.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of us, and we're also having conversations around trusts within the church.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_02: We're focusing a little bit more.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_02: It could be a Christian organization, but also could just be at a traditional organizational level.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_02: It is incredibly invaluable and something that I think as a society we're focusing on more.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_02: Something that should have always been there but hasn't.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_02: I'm curious for you, maybe if you would share a little bit of insight on just your maybe a personal experience of trust, either needing to build it as a pastor or me struggling with it as a pastoral leader.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I believe working on things that are just so important to us as a team with people that we care about should not be so difficult.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I came face to face with that is what uh I was a pastor for 18 years.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: And for the majority of that time, I was working closely with people that I would consider my closest friends.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we're still friends to this day.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: But in those trenches, as you're trying to accomplish big things, as you're trying to hand off responsibility, as you're trying to lean into one another's strength and weaknesses, I began to realize how just at the core trust is at the developing and the dissolving of relationships.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's literally the predicator to the things that we value and appreciate in our meaningful relationships, whether professionally or personally.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, trust opens the door to things like vulnerability, the sharing of new ideas, giving and receiving feedback, all of the things that need to be in place for us to lead a team effectively, to pastor.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we were navigating, growing, working on structuring, handing off responsibility, we were just coming face to face with those things.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_02: Now, which conversation stood out to you most?
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it's hard to pick just one because all three are amazing.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_02: And lucky for you, it's super easy to be able to hear all their interviews in entirety again when you sign up for the 2022 Wholehearted Enneagram Summit.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_02: Just click on the registration link in the show notes and you'll find out all the details there, how to get your free pass and how to upgrade to that all access pass I mentioned earlier.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_02: Now, over 4,000 people joined us last year, and thousands again are coming this year.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I would love it if you were one of those in attendance.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_02: The summit is truly something I look forward to planning, of course, all year round.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_02: And the Seven and Me has a blast recording these conversations ahead of time for you to enjoy this time of year.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_02: And what's even better than signing up and getting a free ticket for yourself?
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_02: Well, tell a friend about this event and then gift them with the invitation to enjoy this incredible resource so they can start off this last quarter of the year strong and ready to finish well.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_02: And how fun would it be to go for a coffee or a walk or do even a phone call at the end of the summit or at the end of each day of the summit to discuss with a Gal pal all you learned about as you got to hear the same conversations and attend the same summit.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_02: What friend comes to mind about sharing this resource?
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_02: Just send her that registration link.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, I know she'll thank you.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_02: Friend, I truly cannot wait to see you at the summit.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_02: Day one is Monday, September 12th, and I'm even doing live calls each day with special guest, Enneagram experts, and experts about coaching.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I'll be answering some of your QA there.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_02: So get all the details again.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's all there in the show notes.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_02: Just click that link or go to simply wholehearted.com and you will find out more information.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now, of course, next week I'm going to be back with a special episode.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I know I say that word special a lot, but here's the deal.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_02: If you've been around a while, you know how much I love paddleboarding.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I have found a spot not too far from my home where I can paddle board frequently enough where my Enneagram 7 Heart is satisfied with at least one weekly adventure on the water.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway, as I was paddling, it struck me that you can learn a lot about life balance, maybe work-life balance, faith, and Enneagram when you're on the paddleboard.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_02: So, okay, if you don't like paddleboarding, you'll still have this conversation because I know many of you are looking for input, advice, and just general understanding about work life balance.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_02: So I've got lots of tips headed your way next week in the podcast episode.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: So until next time, continue to pursue God's perspective, purpose, and plans for the whole heart of life you desire.