Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #1 Expectations and Realities (Beginner's Mind)

Transcript

#1 Expectations and Realities (Beginner's Mind) · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

ImFineCollege Episode 1 FINAL[00:00:00] I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo. And I'm Dr. Liz Seidler. And this is I'm Fine, Everything's Fine, College Edition.Sarah, I'm really excited. It's episode one. We're finally here. We've been working toward this for a long time, and we've been lucky enough to have the help of wonderful, brave, uh, really smart college students. who've been with us from the beginning. Thank you so much. You know who you are and listeners, you're about to hear from some of them directly in a little bit.I know it's been an exciting, daunting at times, learning curve to figure out things like sound editing, but You know, we're up for the challenge, I think, but apologies to listeners as we sort of probably bumble through a few things, [00:01:00] but thank you for your patience in advance on that. So a little bit about us first.Um, we know that college students are really discerning as they should be. So we wanted to give you a few facts so that you can vet us. Um, we're both. clinical psychologist. We both have over a decade of experience helping students make the transition into college, out of college, um, the times in between.And I think between the two of us, we've trained, I think, at every hospital in New York City, Liz, would you say? I would say that, yes. We've really hit them all. Um, and now we're fortunate enough to have private practices in the Tri State area. And one of the benefits is definitely where we're located. We see many college students from a lot of vast different colleges that are in this area.And we also get to work with a lot of high schoolers as they're making that really important, difficult decision, exciting decision on where they're going to go to school. Um, and they get to leave for the semester and come back to us on breaks. And and with all their stories, the highs and the [00:02:00] lows of what university life has treated them to.And we also get to meet a lot of college graduates from all over the country who are coming to New York City for their first job or their first summer internship and get to let us know a little bit about what college was like for them as well. And we've seen them all. We've seen it all. Nothing can shock us.I feel like students are always worried to share with us, like, their experience. And I always preface it by saying, like, I'm not going to be shocked by anything you've said. I'm sure I've heard a very similar experience a million times. We're open, willing, uh, to hear everything that they've experienced and hopefully have some tips or techniques or things we can share with them, um, that will make.Uh, what they're going through a little easier. Yeah, it's like, sorry, my friend, if shocking was the point, you are not going to, to have that ability, but so nothing can shock us. But also we wanted to make sure that you guys got more than two talking [00:03:00] heads doling out a bunch of advice. Um, so we've made sure to pull in actual college students to share their experience.You're not going to hear names of the guests. You won't hear names of the colleges. We think privacy is really important. We'll interview students from large universities with a ton of Greek life, small liberal arts colleges, music majors, college athletes, the whole gamut. We want you to hear stories from a wide range of students with a wide range of experiences.We'd like to think that even though there's this large pool of college students we're pulling from, that you're going to be able to hear a lot of things that feel familiar. We're hoping on each episode, you'll be able to take a tool that will help you navigate the highs and lows of your college experience.So today we focus on college expectations versus college realities. Um, you'll hear from a few students this episode, so see if any of this sounds familiar to you.But you know school [00:04:00] starts in a month. I can't say that i'm not like, oh like what about my family? Like I remember just like calling my mom being like mommy like I can't do this Like i'm fully 19 years old and i've never felt as much stress One of the things I was thinking about is like, why would college students want to listen to us?What do we have to offer? Because we are not college students. And I don't even get like mistaken for a college student anymore. Like I am well out of that world. And so I was thinking like, why would someone in their prime, right? Listened can tell a little bit about why I think we started this podcast, which is that we see so many college students who come to us for therapy.And I don't know how many times you've heard this. So many of them would say things like, Oh my gosh, my friend's going through a hard time. And so I let them know what you told [00:05:00] me. And it really helped. Or they'd say I have a friend who really wants to go to therapy, but their parents can't afford it, or they don't believe in therapy, or they try to go to the college counseling center as a six month wait, so I told them what you told me and that felt like it really helped them.And so I, I think that's where we started to be like, how can we just make. get some direct access to these people so they don't have to have this middleman. Yeah. Yeah. I think my experience has been that college students are lost. They don't know how to access support. They're scared to access support.They don't want to make that dreadful walk to the education. health center, they're afraid they're going to see other students that they might know, or they're, you know, told they can only do a group, or they're immediately referred to an outpatient provider that they don't have a car to drive to. Um, and that person very often doesn't have any availability.So I think they're constantly looking, whether they're on TikTok or Instagram or talking to a friend, they're looking for, [00:06:00] ways to feel better, or ways to kind of not feel alone in their experience. And I think I've been for a long time trying to figure out how do I reach as many students as possible to help them feel like there's a tool that they can kind of grasp onto, there's a voice that they can hear, um, and that that might, you know, You know, be the moment in their day when they're listening to the podcast, walking across campus that makes them feel, you know, more hopeful about the next steps that they want to take.And I also, I mean, even people maybe in my own family or just people I'm talking to more generally they'll come in almost like, Hey, I've got this big secret, which is that I actually was a little lonely my freshman year or something like that. And I was like, Oh, that is the most normal thing. I mean, we have this privilege that people share all of their.Kind of innermost feelings with us. I think that's such a, like a privileged position to be in. So we hear people so in, you know, quote unquote secrets all the [00:07:00] time. And I think that it's sometimes surprising to me like, Oh, you didn't know that that's really normal that you can actually have a lot of fun in college, but also feel really lonely.Like, Oh my gosh, let's, we gotta get the word out. We gotta get the word out. No, right. I was talking to a college student today that. what I just took as a fact, right? That you're going to be a little homesick, right? Or that the transition from, you know, summer fun to back to reality of campus life, um, is challenging.And he said to me, he's like, other people feel this way. I was like, of course other people just feel this way. Yeah. A lot of times I, I think things that I see so commonly that other people are aware that those are common experiences, but it's become really clear, I think to both of us that. there isn't a lot of awareness and normalizing of what most college students experiences really look like, the highs and the lows.Yeah. So I don't know. I feel like whether, you know, that's reason enough for you guys to listen to us or not. That's why we started. [00:08:00] This podcast, and I think for the first one, we thought it would be really nice to think about sort of what we just said, what are some of the expectations people have going into school, going into college, and then what are some of the realities and now what we don't want people to think is like, Oh, my gosh, you expect college to be great.And it's a total shit show. That is not what we're saying. But I do think that Bye. Bye. Sometimes our frame of reference or like what we have as our base idea of something can really impact our experience. And if you assume something's going to be just one particular way, then it can really throw you if it's not that exact way all the time.So our first episode is going to be talking a little bit more, and you're going to hear from a lot of students about what was our expectations, what were some of the realities, and then maybe some ways they were able to adjust to that new reality. Do you feel like you have a sense of what are some of the common expectations?Because we see a lot of people, yes, in [00:09:00] school, we live in cities where there are some colleges, and so we see a lot of students who are already in college, but I think we also see a lot of high school students who we, um, Help through or guide through the transition into school. So I know I've sat on the couch a lot and been like, Oh, okay.I've seen this before. Okay. Here's what might be coming. Let's let's sort of get, get a baseline for what, what kind of tools might be helpful during this transition. Do you feel like you have a common sense of what people expect? Yeah, I mean, I think there is a little bit of a spectrum. I think sometimes people don't think too much about what to expect, right?And then I think there's like some overly coping ahead for what it's going to be like and a lot of worry, right? Um, I think the common expectations are that, you know, It's going to be really fun, like extremely fun, like that the freedom and independence is going to be like amazing and that, um, you know, they can kind of break free from the reigns of, you know, their town they've lived in forever and their family.And I think, Quickly, there [00:10:00] is some reality that although some of that is true, right, that there is some like sprinkling of challenges around how to navigate having more independence and freedom. I think another common one is, and particularly I feel like this is, I don't know about you, but got much more challenging I think for college students is Find I need to find my roommate like ahead of time I need to like make friends on snapchat and instagram and I need to like find my whole friend group Prior to going to school right and that that is going to be my like core group of friends Um, and if that doesn't happen, right that i'm not going to have a good social experience and I think a lot of students i've worked with have kind of seen like Maybe those aren't the best group of people, right?And friendships change and like I'm gonna figure myself out a little bit more at school and maybe the people that I was, you know, Snapchatting with over the summer are not necessarily the people that I want to be spending all my time with. So I do think this like social expectation about, you know, finding friends or like [00:11:00] really meeting those friends, your roommate being your best friend, um, things that they see other students kind of.And friends doing and making some comparisons to the reality of how we form friendships in college is really different, right? Um, then maybe what they traditionally thought it was going to look like. We have talked to a few students who shared with us pretty openly. What were some of their expectations going in?Whether that came from movies they'd seen or. Just ideas that their parents had said like, Oh, it's the best four years of your life, which is really easy to say when you're 50 and you're looking back after a few hard years of, you know, doing some work and raising a family to have that hindsight being 2020.So we have so many different reasons why. We have these expectations, but let's hear it from some people who are in the trenches right now and then we'll circle back and think through what are some ways to manage it if college doesn't meet your [00:12:00] expectations the way you wanted it to.I had people texting me like, oh my god, you seem like you are just loving it. And I was like, A little like sometimes and don't get me wrong. Like I did like it, but it was, I didn't honestly, I'll also say that I wasn't super excited to go in the first place. And I think that tinted a lot of my first year because, you know, it was coming out of COVID.So that was a lot of family time, and I actually love that. But, you know, I wasn't someone who was dying to get away from home. So to me, I was like, Oh my God, why would I leave? Like, I love my teachers. I love my friends. I love my family. Like, I love my little horse town. Like, I was like, why is everyone itching to get out of here?Like, people were so excited. Like, those few months leading up to school, everyone would just be texting their roommates, texting their college friends. And they, like, met on Instagram. And I was like, guys, like, why aren't we just, like, hanging out? [00:13:00] Like, this is, like, This is all we've got. Like, why is everyone so excited?And I think seeing everyone be so excited made me stress because I knew I was like, I'm not excited. Like it. And that was kind of hard to face. I was like, I could say to everyone that I'm excited. Like I would never say to someone like when they ask, Oh my God, are you excited for school? Like, no. But like, no, like I was like, this is going to change everything.And that's just something I guess I'm going to have to deal with. And it just seems so unknown. Like there's so much unknown going into it. So that really freaks me out. I actually remember my therapist was like, come on, like, what is one thing you're excited about? And I said, the landscaping at the school is very pretty.And that is absolutely ridiculous. And I cannot believe that that came out of my mouth, but I literally refused to get excited. Like, until the moment they dropped me off, I was like, I don't want to go. It's the plants. Yeah, it's like, come on. It's not even that great of plants. Like, I don't even, we're definitely not known for plants.Is that, is that your major at school? [00:14:00] Like, yeah, you're like, I really doubled down on the, on the foliage. I was like, I better stick to it now. I feel like that's just like a good additive that like, it really like the attitude that you go in with probably has a lot to do with it because I was like, this is going to be a negative experience and I'm going to be homesick.And then, you know, one day you're not as homesick anymore and it's like, oh, okay. And then that's a loss too. To your point, you're like, wait, am I okay now? Yes. Oh my God. Then it was like, do I not miss home? Like I could just go with loops if you guys want. It never ends.Oh, don't you love our human brains? It's very true. A lot of there. She needs some guidance. Tell me what your first memory is of going to college. You walk in to campus. I'm excited. I'm moving in and I think it's just gonna be this awesome, you [00:15:00] know, life changing, happy, all happy, 100 percent good experience.And then I open up my computer and get on the school website, and I've never felt as much stress as I did in my entire life. What do you see on the website to make you so stressed? The load of assignments, like, and I, in high school, you know, I went to a private super small Christian school. I mean, you could skip school, And be fine, but, you know, I looked at, cause in college, they have all the assignments for the whole semester.you know, stacked up and stacked up and I'm like a future thinker. So I'm just thinking how am I, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do this. And then it took me a while to get into my, you know, comfort zone and adapt. But the first memory is definitely that how stressed I was. So your first memory is opening your laptop and panicking.[00:16:00] Yes. That's my first memory. Before you even went to college, what did you picture it was going to be like? I pictured college swimming being really hard. Like, I was like, Oh, I'm not going to be able to do this. Like, I can't handle it. But also like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle having a social life on top of that plus academics.And like, people also made it seem like college, like academically is like super awful your freshman year. Like you have no idea how to adjust. Like people make it seem like you're going to be so overwhelmed. But honestly, I was not overwhelmed in the slightest with academics, and I'm usually, like, very anxious about pretty much every aspect of my life, but that was one thing that I just wasn't really worried about.And then once you got there, how did expectations match reality, and how are they different from reality? Um, I think, obviously, academically, I was surprised to see that, like, I could handle the workload. I was very, you know, [00:17:00] Um, organized and I had things done a certain way and I was very like, content with that.Um, athletics definitely matched my, um, thought that it was going to be really hard, but it was rewarding. Um, at least freshman year was. My expectations were kind of just to be comfortable, meet new people and that, you know, was just totally not the case. It was definitely a huge learning experience that, you know, I'm just.Another kid out of 30, 000 people, but yeah, it's a culture shock. Like real quick, like one thing And it's like i'm sitting here giving all this, you know advice as if i'm so past it But you know school starts in a month. I can't say that i'm not like, oh like what about my family like And this is, I don't know if this is too much, but something that's really hard for me, I don't know if this is that relatable though, maybe to people with anxiety, is that I get very worried, like, okay, I'm going away to school, like, what if something bad happens at home?Like, that's something [00:18:00] that I'm, like, pretty stuck in. And that doesn't necessarily have to do with college, but I think other people might relate to that if they're kind of worriers. Like, what happens when I'm away? Like, you know, does my dog die? Like, does someone get in a car accident? Like, obviously those are like, very intrusive thoughts, but like, they definitely amp up when I'm away because I'm like, I'm not a part of that anymore.And I remember just like calling my mom being like, Mommy, like, I can't do this. Like I'm fully 19 years old. Like I could not. I was like, how the fuck am I doing this? Like, I don't know. And she goes, honestly, I don't know either. And I was like, yep. I had a friend pass away. Boom. I was in college on the other side of the country in Arizona.So I was like, this is crazy. So like my parents leave. And my roommate is like this big party guy, like, you know, loves to party. Uh, so he's like, he looks at me and I'm like, kind of crying. Like I'm like, I'm kind of like [00:19:00] emotional and I'm hiding it from him. Cause I'm like, Oh, I don't want him to think I'm like this wimp.I'm like, yeah, I don't want him to think I'm this loser. And so I'm like, So are you excited about your parents leaving? And he says, Oh, I can't wait for them to leave. I just, I have these millers out and getting them in the fridge. And I'm like, I'm like, Oh, that's. That's awesome. And just like totally like trying to like be cool about it and just not.And so I just remember my roommate just wanting to party and wanting his parents to leave and me getting emotional about it. Yeah, that difference. Oh, totally. Yeah. Because it was totally, it was crazy. Also, I have another thing that is difficult is that when you come home, I have this thing where I feel like a guest because now I don't live here.And like everyone kind of learns to live without you. And I feel like that was like. my second part of the journey. Like first it was getting there and then it was like, Oh, I love it. And I'm so comfortable. Now I come home. [00:20:00] Why does this feel weird?So in today's episode, we heard from, uh, college students about how their expectations sometimes, um, was different than what their experience was when they got to school. And there are some strategies I think Sarah, that you and I have really worked with college students on to help them. Um, be mindful of kind of what are preconceived ideas of what of our experience is going to be like when we get to college influences our experience, and sometimes that's helpful.And sometimes that's not helpful. Um, but increasing our awareness to kind of like, what are we thinking? What kind of expectations are we placing on our experience before we even experience it? How might that influence our mood? How might that influence our behavior? And hopefully as we talk about some of the things we've worked [00:21:00] with students on, you'll feel like you have more control over your behavior or your emotional experience once you're kind of, you know, getting adjusted to school.I, yeah, it's funny. I think, um, I'm curious. I feel like there's always a handful of things that when someone is heading back to school or going there for the first time, it's almost like, I don't know if you work this way, but it's like, there's a handful of things that I try to talk to them about. It's like, I, I sort of want them to have a, you know, A little bit of a, what's the word?Like their own little toolkit, right? Like a copa head, like a copa head plan, right? Like if we're going to copa head, yeah. And so many things that happen are, I think always one of them is that being aware of fortune telling. So, you know, I think everybody has certain ways of thinking sort of filters or lenses through which they see the world.And. One of the ways they think everybody has, um, or I've noticed a lot [00:22:00] of people in college, it's almost impossible not to try to predict or fortune tell like what college is going to be like, and certainly some of that is just basic daydreaming. So that's not a problem. It's kind of like, okay, getting excited about it, you know, chatting with people on the, you know, social media for that particular school or class and kind of trying to figure out what their goals are.Those friendships are going to be like, some of that's really exciting, but I think when it gets really difficult is when you assume either the worst and you assume a lot of stress ahead of time, or you don't necessarily cope ahead and say, okay. It could be really tough at times. And so let me get prepared for that.I don't know if you've seen that in your work, a lot of fortune telling for people about, yeah, I mean, I definitely, you know, I always say to a lot of the students I'm working with, you don't want to be on. Either end of the outliers, like you don't want to be overly positive, right? And assume everything's going to be [00:23:00] wonderful and there's going to be no kind of hiccups.And you also don't want to be like doomsday and predicting that you're never going to adjust, not make any friends, fail all your classes. And, you know, you're back at home within a month, you know, so, um, that we want to be realistic, right? What is a realistic way to kind of predict Our future so that maybe we can think about what kind of tools can I kind of put in my tool belt that will make me feel more capable of managing any challenges that might come.I feel like everyone's saying, you know, there's this idea right now, I think of toxic positivity. So I don't think people listening would necessarily be shocked at this idea, but optimism gets this really great rap. And everyone thinks like, oh, look on the bright side, you know, cup half full, but a lot of the research shows that people who are overly optimistic have as much of a struggle as people who are overly pessimistic.To your point, those sort of two [00:24:00] extremes and that people who are realists are like, okay, things could work out. And if they don't. Here's how I could handle it are the ones that end up being able to cope flexibly with things. So I think one of the ways to combat that extreme fortune telling or that overly optimistic versus overly pessimistic idea.is this concept of beginner's mind. And it's one of the many things, unless I don't know if you, I'm always like, sorry, Buddhism, we're stealing from you again. But this idea of beginner's mind where you start to think about, okay, I'm going to go in. I always struggle with, Describing this concept a little bit.I think I trip over my word sometimes every single time I describe it. So if you have a beautiful way to do it, please just stop me and say it. But it's just almost like, okay, I'm going to, I've landed on this planet for the first time, and I'm just noticing what it's like to be a college student. What are the feelings that come with it?What are the [00:25:00] experiences that happen? What is the range of emotions or behaviors that I'm witnessing around me? And trying to say, okay, maybe I'm. If you notice judgments or expectations, you can be aware of that. Let's sort of let those go and return back to this idea of just saying, okay, I'm going to kind of cast a wide net on what this experience could be like, and just take it as if I'm learning for the first time.I'm not Coming in with a bunch of ideas or messages per se of what this experience should be like, Sarah. I think you did a good job, you know, so I have no judgments of your description. I will say two ways. I tend to describe it to people's like most of us go into situations with an expert mind, right?As if we have a crystal ball and we can predict the future. Side note, if that's the case, I have a lot of questions about my future and you can contact us later. Um, but really like we've heard to tell, but I'm always like, if that were actually true, we'd be, [00:26:00] we, you know, listen, you'd be making bank.Totally. Yeah. But with a beginner's mind, your mind is essentially empty. You're open to everything. You're more curious, right? There's no expectations or preconceived notions or even past experiences. You know, a lot of college students that I'm working with. have a terrible semester, and then they're already predicting the next semester is going to be a certain way, but that really limits their ability, um, to be open or even eager to learn or have a new experience, right?So I think the importance of a beginner's mind is like, how do we have access to more possibilities in our experiences and not letting our expert mind or fortune telling kind of limit our mindset about what could or what we think should happen. Yeah, no, I love that. It's just about sort of zooming out and trying to see the whole picture of a little bit more.And then the other thing that I think I heard this later in life, and I wish I [00:27:00] had learned it earlier is this idea that anything that is very, that makes your life feel really rich and meaningful and exciting and purposeful by definition comes with pain. So let me explain that a little bit more. It's like, you know, let's say you have a great relationship with your parents.Um, that's wonderful and rich and amazing. And that means that by definition, you're going to miss them when you go to school or vice versa. You have, um, a difficult relationship with your parents, which maybe has created great friendships in your life or supports. Um, or maybe has created a great amount of independence, um, and, uh, kind of go to it ness for you.Um, I think anytime you see someone who's a parent, they would say having kids is so amazing and stressful. So going to college is so exciting, but by definition, it's going to come with stress because it means a lot to you. So I think that that's another piece to it as well. Just being able to say with a [00:28:00] beginner's mind.That by definition, this, there are a lot of stakes, you know, you're kind of going in wanting this experience to be something important to you. Um, maybe you're going to make new friendships, make new connections. Maybe it's more about the academics for you, but either way. That the fact that it means a lot is going to automatically create some tension for you.So anything that's rich and meaningful by definition comes with some pain, and it's all part of the same package. But with beginner's mind, if you sort of zoom out, you might be able to see the whole picture. So when you're in a painful situation to pull out and see, oh, okay, but this is part of a bigger picture here.Right, right. Um, I do think that like camera lens kind of analogy is helpful, right? That particularly when we are really rigid in our viewpoints, we're only focusing on one aspect. respect of our experience, right? Which might be the things like I'm losing, like my friends from high school or I'm going to be homesick, right?We're not kind of [00:29:00] zooming out. And like you said, like seeing the bigger picture, like how to, if I have full awareness in my beginner's mind, right. There are other aspects that I could be paying attention to that aren't just, you know, the good for lack of better words or, or, or that. Yeah. You know, I would really love, and maybe this is something we could put a shout out on Instagram or something, but just to hear what are some of the situations where you have something that feels really important, but it also came with a little bit of pain or what were the times where you guys can now looking back, see how much you're fortune telling and where did beginners mind help, or maybe where would it have helped.So if that's a story you have for us, please get in touch. We'd love to hear it. We can share it on a future episode. Yeah, I think that's awesome. And particularly if you really are still struggling with like, how do I actually deal with fortune telling, right? Like, I'm still making this mistake, even though I have a lot of evidence to suggest, you know, I'm now junior and everything's always worked out well, but [00:30:00] I'm still We're still kind of stuck in this thinking process.We definitely want to hear. Yeah. Call us. Get some free advice.Thank you so much for listening. Our guests and listeners are what make this podcast tick. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students. Please reach out to us by text, email, or voice memo at I'm fine. College podcast at gmail. com. Or 929 500 2231, tell us your story, give us tips on what kinds of topics you'd like to hear, or give us feedback about an episode.We'll share episode announcements and resources on Instagram at I'm fine college pod. And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps keep us going. You don't go to college and like magically change who you are. And I think that it's important to just be aware, like just kind of, sometimes I'll wake up and I was like, Oh, like I wouldn't have worn that before being here.Like, that's, that's cool that I [00:31:00] felt like confident enough for that. Or like college is like the perfect breeding ground for like today. I want a fresh start this week. I want to try this, like things like that, that are just like very small. Like I can check that off. Like this is something I wouldn't have been able to do in my old environment.And I think that that's very special.