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Searching for Hope After Losing My Mom: Taking Time to Grieve · Parenting Through The Hard

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  Parenting teens is hard. Parenting teens in crisis
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  is even harder. And we live in a
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  culture that is really good at hiding.
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  See, we keep these struggles tucked in. Really tight around us and
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  so when. Something happens in our families that's tough and maybe even a
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  little embarrassing, we feel like we're all alone. I promise
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  you that you're not. But you definitely need a place
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  where you can be a of honest conversations that
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  give a voice to the challenges you are facing. A place that normalizes
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  the hard that we have to walk through with our teens. So I'm
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  inviting you to join us on this path towards healing where
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  we'll discuss topics that drive out shame and teach us how
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  to navigate the emotions and uncertainty that come with
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  parenting a teenager in crisis. This twice monthly podcast is
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  presented by Pathways to Hope Network and we strive to do
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  of that while honoring the unyielding love a
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  mother has for her child.
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  I had a plan. A plan for what this year would look
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  like, what this month would look like,
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  what this episode would look like. I had carefully chosen
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  the subject, researched it, journaled it, and prayed about it. I wrote
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  a draft outline and I was proud of it.
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  I had a plan. And then everything changed.
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  Sound familiar? The curveball of life,
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  the gut punch there to remind you that you were a fool to ever even
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  dare to dream that you had any real control over your life.
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  The one that blows through one night and levels the home you built around your
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  heart. It doesn't stay forever, but it leaves
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  behind a mile long disaster area in your body that makes
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  you doubt you will ever be able to restore it to the glory it once
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  was. We've had a few of those,
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  I like to call them before and afters.
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  A seismic shift occurs in your life and nothing's
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  quite the same anymore. You create a
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  new path. Trust in time to dare new dreams,
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  and almost always emerge with the beautiful gift of wisdom and
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  a healthy dose of grit. They're the valleys.
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  Psalm 23 refers to them as the valley of the shadow of death.
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  The death of something, sometimes the death
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  of someone. But death all the same. Before and after.
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  My mom is dying.
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  I don't know how much time she has left. When this episode is
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  released, she may be gone already. My mom is
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  dying. For the last five years she has. Used hemodialysis
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  to cleanse the toxins of her blood to buy herself time.
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  Time with us. Time to live,
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  time to be, feel love.
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  Time. And after a taxing
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  year of watching this woman who was the single greatest influence in
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  my life whittle down to 89 pounds,
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  pushing her tired body to the limits with nothing but love as fuel.
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  She made the decision to stop. Her and I have had the conversation
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  many times over the course of the last year. She hasn't been well.
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  I've watched it get harder for her to move around, stop driving,
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  sleep more, eat less. And she has said
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  many, many times, I'm just ready to go. Why won't God take me home?
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  We've talked to doctors and read articles online and did
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  our best to educate ourselves on what it would look like if she decided she
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  was done. She fought on because that's who she is,
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  who she's always been.
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  But one day I walked through her garage door and she looked at
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  me and said, I'm done. I'm not going back to dialysis.
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  Just like that, she was done.
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  It was happening on her terms and she was confident about
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  her decision. I've prepared myself for that conversation dozens of
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  times. I've rehearsed what my response would be, the tone I would use,
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  everything. And yet, when I heard those
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  words, I felt only two things.
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  One, deep, deep respect
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  and admiration for. This amazing example of strength in
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  my. Life and complete and utter devastation.
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  Clockwatch began within two days.
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  The hospice team came over two days after that. There was a hospital bed
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  in her living room, a bed that she refused
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  to get into the first night despite. My brother trying to convince her how comfortable
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  it was. By day six, she was in the bed.
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  And every day since then has been. A series of decision
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  making we feel hardly qualified to make because we're just kids after
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  all. Moments of joy and laughter,
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  hugs and kisses and smiles,
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  car rides home, sobbing and breaking down in the middle of
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  signing notary paperwork and constantly doing your best to choose
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  the lesser of two evils. I have parked my car in church parking lots,
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  school parking lots, park parking lots, and cried tears that
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  felt like they were drug from my soul through my body with such force it
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  was as though they left raw, gaping wounds behind them.
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  I can tell you that I'm forever changed by this.
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  A before and after.
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  Life looks very. Different moving forward, not because of her.
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  Absence, but because these seismic shift moments. Have a way of putting
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  everything around you in a slightly different perspective. I'm not sure when
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  I'll be ready to return to my normal life,
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  whatever that is. But I do know that God will.
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  Let me know when or if it's time. And when he does, I promise to
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  be obedient. But I firmly believe that it will look and feel a little different
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  because. Well.
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  I am a little different. I want
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  only what is real more than ever.
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  I want a heart that's aligned with love. A life that recklessly
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  pursues purpose and meaning and real connection. Because life is too hard
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  to be lived alone. Watching my mama slowly
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  decline the last two weeks has been hard.
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  And almost every day I have had.
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  Someone send me a text, a Marco Polo, an email telling
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  me that they were praying for us and thinking about us.
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  Have sent out my own prayer requests. I have typed out
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  short text messages to people I know who have lost their parents. And they have
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  been gentle, gracious and kind. I have
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  been so blessed to have so many people checking on me.
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  Before I started this organization, that wouldn't. Have been the case.
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  I was different. I kept to myself.
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  I didn't risk entering into friendships with people
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  because I didn't want to risk. The abandonment or rejection that is
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  sometimes the byproduct of entering friendships.
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  My heart was walled off. Another before and after
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  story. See, the heart I experienced
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  with my. Children was the thing that brought me all the friends checking in
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  on me today. Those experiences
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  are what brought me you and you me.
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  They are the beauty from the ashes.
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  Your child isn't living the life you imagined. Your motherhood
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  doesn't look a thing like it was supposed to. Your marriage isn't
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  handling these parenting woes well and you're not certain if it. Will survive the
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  valley. The shift,
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  the. Hard, hard that you're living and breathing
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  right now is not the end of the story. In fact, it's the beginning
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  of a new one. So I'm going
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  to take some time off and I'm going to focus on getting through this time
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  in a healthy way. To mourn this hard. To allow myself
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  to surrender to the death so that I get to one day see the way
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  God once again uses it to shape and mold me into being
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  aligned with who he created me to be. I'm going to honor the
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  parts within me that need to grieve. The parts
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  that will want to replay and remember my memories with her. That will
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  shift through the regrets of my own teen years and how at times I
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  never truly appreciated how much she loved me. That will long
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  for the ability to do certain moments over again.
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  To be grateful that I had the privilege to live my life with a mother
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  whose beautiful combination of tenderness and expectation molded
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  me into the woman I am today. Grateful to have been
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  so known and. Loved that despite the many
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  times I. Took that for granted or even pushed it away, she gave
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  me the gift of understanding over time that her love. Was not dependent
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  on me and my choices. Her love would always be constant
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  because. It was woven into the fabric of who she was.
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  While she was a chronic worrier, she allowed me to choose my own
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  path to figure out who I was going to become.
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  She sat with me in heartache and she celebrated my successes.
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  She marveled at the wife and mother I became.
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  She loved and held each of my children and in
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  the moments I sat in brokenness during their teen years, she held my
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  hand, stroked my hair and reminded me
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  sub ti Kojiga Everything will work itself out.
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  That is a spirit I wish to embody,
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  a mother who, despite her heartbreaking, clings tightly
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  to the belief that everything will work itself out. Sab ti Kojayaga.
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  Thank you for gifting me with this time to grieve friend for
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  your understanding, for your prayers,
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  for your love, for your. And in the
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  meantime, I'll choose some previous episodes to share with
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  you and pray that it. Connects with you in a whole new way.
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  I love you. Sab ti Kojaiga.