Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / OCD Recovery Isn’t a Cure: Why the Hard Weeks Still Matter (OCD)(Episode 34)
Transcript
- Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc & Stacee: Hey y'all, I'm Stacey. And along with my husband Mark, we want to thank you for living uncertain with us again. Welcome to episode 34. As y'all know by now, this is the podcast that talks all things OCD and ERP related. And we are just so excited to be here again with you talking more about our life and our journey through my diagnosis of OCD and what the process of ERP has meant for us. for myself personally. of course, Mark's perspective as my husband and then what it's meant for our family. And I know we've talked in many, many episodes before about how OCD is always going to be present. And it's just a matter of knowing how to handle those moments that OCD wants to take over and interrupting the cycle of compulsions and making life better. And man, we started our journey back in summer of 2025, when we started the intensives. And we've done so, so much therapy since then, even when we stopped the intensive treatment. And we've continued that in our home as well, which is what makes our situation so unique is that my husband Mark, as most of you who have listened now know and we're so humbled and honored by you listening, that he was a part of all of the sessions. And he was able to offer a perspective to our therapist that she wouldn't have gotten otherwise. And he was able to learn alongside of me what I was doing and why I was doing it. And then he would help me bring those lessons into home and bring those techniques into our home. And and my my journey of healing and growth and and getting to a better place just skyrocketed. And yet life happens. And Mark has had eye surgery number two. And so I have had to step up and take on the responsibility of the family again a second time. And it was a real win for me the first time, a little less a one this time because more was happening. Our life has changed, circumstances have changed, things are changing. And it's really hard for those of us, or at least it is for me. with OCD to admit that I can't control everything. And quite literally the name of our podcast is Living Uncertain. And that is a a real crux of what we do as in OCD recovery is we learn how to sit in discomfort and learn how to let go of some control. And really, as I was telling Mark too, live in that gray area, right? That gray area that is what life is. It's not just one way or another. It's not just black and white. There's so much in between. And if you can't sit in that in between without feeling like you have to engage in a compulsion, mine tend to be mental compulsions in that case, or ruminations where I'm just looping thoughts over and over and over where I'm stuck and I can't move forward. It becomes really challenging. For somebody that doesn't have O C D, that thought might pop into your head and then it pops out. Pops right out. Mine don't pop out. My brain isn't wired that way. I find it fascinating how others are wired that way, my husband included. I'm constantly asking him questions as well, like, how are you just compartmentalizing that or how are you letting go of control of that? Because it seems so easy for other people. But for those of us who have OCD, that control is something that we crave. We feel like we need it. OCD tells us we need it, which we know OCD lies. So, you know, we have to deal with that too. But it's living in that in that uncomfortable gray area that is really tripping me up recently. And I think the idea that I have to sit in that discomfort and not engage in compulsions. Especially when it comes to things that just don't feel right. I can't get them to feel right. I can't check in. I can't get a reassurance. I can't do any of those things that I've done in the past makes it to where the the thoughts just loop and they loop stronger and the thoughts get stronger and more intrusive and and it really takes a toll. And I end up waking Mark up a lot of nights, middle of the night, to have these conversations of of telling telling him how and what I feel. And he tries to keep up with me and help me best he can. But of course it's the middle of the night and who wants to have a full on conversation then. it just is a reminder this week, especially, as we keep this podcast as authentic and raw as possible, it's a reminder that OCD is always present. And it's how we choose to deal with it now that we have the psychoeducation, that we have the tools, we have the techniques. We know what works, what doesn't. And so it's a matter of of putting those things ahead of the intrusive thoughts and. ahead of the desire to have to to engage in a compulsion in order to make a change in the positive direction. And some weeks it's easier to do that than others. And for me, getting caught in my mental compulsions, those ritualized conversations that I have to have with myself that loop over and over and over until I feel the anxiety maybe going down a little bit, are the ones that I struggle with the most. Because they're the ones that are most invisible and and Mark can't see them and and there are times that I'm not as honest with him about them coming on. I would say ninety nine percent of the time I can't see them. Sometimes I can see your body change with them. But like this whole week I've been face down looking at the floor. Right. I I can't even at night I'm I've been down. So it's really been hard to you know. Or even just hearing some discomfort in your voice. Yeah. Sometimes it comes across in that way. But I I haven't been engaged at all. So that's been hard this week. Yeah. It's definitely, you know, life comes up and it gets messy and it gets challenging and and things happen and and things unexpectedly happen. We didn't expect that Mark would have a first surgery, let alone a second, and we're already looking on the horizon at a third. And so we don't expect that to happen. You can't control everything that that happens to you or to other people or how they react or how they feel. And OCD just doesn't like that. It's just, it's so anti-anything OCD wants you to do. And so to really fight that urge, show strength. And I encourage anyone out there ready and willing to make the change to to go through ERP, to take on those exposures in order to get to another place, take on the psychoeducational part of what OCD is and what it isn't and what it can do. what it does to your life in order to be able to come back and and think about making a different choice. I have to do that on the daily because like I've said before, I have OCD today. I had it yesterday. I will have it a year from now. I have had a lot of wins. Our life is incredibly benefited from ERP, from our therapist, from all of what we've been through in the last year. But it still doesn't take away OCD. It doesn't cure my OCD. And so I always have to be vig vigilant if I want to make a different choice in order to continue my life on the positive track that it's been on. And to be honest, this has not been the best week for that. I had a better time a couple of weeks ago. A few months ago, we were on a really good track. We had a lot of really positive things going on. This week has been challenging, more so than other weeks prior. And so O C D has come up for me. And I've had to remind myself how far I've come. So A, I can give myself grace for when it trips me up again. And B, I can remember just how to implement the tools that I've learned in order to stop the compulsions, to stop the urges, so that I can keep going. I I've even had to give her grace because I've been up at two, three o'clock in the morning time and so is she. And you don't want to have conversations with me. Usually I don't allow the conversations to happen, but I I do know during these times that you know we have to have those conversations. it might be, you know, your reassurance that we do, but it's also giving you grace during these more stressful times that are happening with with our life, like taking care of our dog that likes to just bark. You know, in the middle of a Yes. Yes. You know, there's just life has just hit us this week. Mm-hmm. And, you know, on top of it, you know, you're working and both Avery and I have off of work right now, school and you know, so the the dynamic is different than the first time around that I did this. And and it's gonna be different than the the third time around that I have to go through the surgery, but You know, I have to give you some of that grace during that time too, because this is not easy. You know, having to run around and do errands and Yeah. And I mean And and you've gotten you I mean the driving is not the issue. No, the driving's not the problem. And and I think it's just more the intrusive thoughts because things are feeling like I'm leaving them not feeling just right because that That thing, that control that I just can't have. I just have to remind myself that that's part of life. And that I have to look down at my arm and remember what I've written on there that's permanent now. So I can always see it, that I have to live uncertain. That I have to remember that that's what life is. And I have to just remember to stay in the present moment, which is also very challenging for me to do. I think a lot of people who have OCD perhaps have the similar challenges because we're always thinking about. Either something that's happened in the past or we're already thinking about something that might be happening or will happen in the future. Or hope that it will happen in the future. Or yes, hope it will happen or don't want it to happen, either way. either way, it stills your thoughts. Just leads to more compulsions. But really reminding yourself that we are human, we are fallible. Even though we've had some highs It doesn't take away the lows and it's important to not define yourself from the lower moments, but really remembering the ones that bring the most joy, the most happiness, the most excitement as to what life can be without being caught in the shackles of of what O C D can do. Yeah. So we'll look back at episode thirty-four and go, Well, that was a rough week for the banners. That was a rough one. And hopefully episode thirty-five and thirty-six and beyond will be more wins than losses. And we'll be really excited to get back to sharing those parts and those moments. But this week was was tough. And I think To reflect on the tougher moments is important too. Absolutely. And so please, anyone who wants to share their story, be a part of Living Uncertain with us here on this podcast, we encourage you to reach out to us, let us know. we're on Instagram, we're we're excited to to continue to grow this community and to support this community. and so we really want to to encourage others out there. Because healing and growth and and the wins are are very doable. Yep. And they are out there for the taking. Thank you for living uncertain. Until next time, y'all. Thank you so much. Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.