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Mall Santas Panel (ft. Amanda Lehan-Canto) · Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: This week on the show Boy, do we have a
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Christmas gift for you mal Santas.
• 0:14
  Speaker 3: The art of being a mal Santa has its origins
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: all the way back from the early nineteen hundreds and
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: all the way to today. Today's episode, we'll be exploring
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: what it takes, the process, the approach, and the marry
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: Mary joy that it takes to be a Malsanta.
• 0:32
  Speaker 4: Now, why is a mall Santa considered Hollywood? Well, if
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: you'll notice there's a camera taking those photos, let's listen in.
• 0:46
  Speaker 5: Ho ho ho everybody. Great to see everybody. Ho ho ho,
• 0:50
  Speaker 5: jolly jolly ho ho ho. My name is Trevor Winmore.
• 0:55
  Speaker 5: I am well on record as the young mal Sans
• 1:01
  Speaker 5: that ever exists. I'm nineteen years old.
• 1:03
  Speaker 6: Nice.
• 1:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I know, hey, jolly, I know. I'm really lucky
• 1:09
  Speaker 5: to be in this role. I'm really happy to be here.
• 1:11
  Speaker 5: It's really exciting opportunity for me, and I'm really grateful
• 1:15
  Speaker 5: to talk to you guys, because you guys are the pros.
• 1:17
  Speaker 5: I'm shaking in my boot covers.
• 1:20
  Speaker 7: Santa boots.
• 1:21
  Speaker 5: Santa boots. They look like boots, but they're they're not
• 1:24
  Speaker 5: boots because they're just plastic. I put over my sneaks.
• 1:26
  Speaker 5: But I'm really excited to be with you guys.
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: Congrats on the Guinness Book of World Records.
• 1:31
  Speaker 5: By by the way, thank you so much. Thank you.
• 1:35
  Speaker 6: What an accomplishment.
• 1:36
  Speaker 5: Indeed, thank you guys so much.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: For sure, thank you.
• 1:40
  Speaker 8: Hey, guys and gals. My name is Rip Kirby. I've
• 1:44
  Speaker 8: been a Malsanta for about fifteen years now.
• 1:46
  Speaker 7: Big thing. My mother was the first female Malsanta. Facts. Oh,
• 1:53
  Speaker 7: I've got big goals. I've got a whole bunch of.
• 1:57
  Speaker 8: Wigs, different types of beards. Sometimes they let me go
• 2:01
  Speaker 8: without a beer because I am a woman.
• 2:03
  Speaker 5: And uh yeah, it's so amazing. You're really breaking the
• 2:07
  Speaker 5: candy cane ceiling for all of us, Like, yeah, the
• 2:10
  Speaker 5: fact that you are a woman Santa. You're not missing.
• 2:13
  Speaker 7: Claus, missus Claus.
• 2:15
  Speaker 8: Oh no never, I'm I'm only a mal Santa and
• 2:17
  Speaker 8: I don't I don't want to play an elf. And
• 2:20
  Speaker 8: my goal is to get to the Americana and Glendale.
• 2:23
  Speaker 8: Oh a big one. Working on my reel for that one.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Oh, speaking of which, that's a perfect introduction to me.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: I am Andrew McCarthy, and I am the Santa at
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: the grove and have been there for the last nine years.
• 2:39
  Speaker 8: Holy crasher, I need to get some advice on that,
• 2:41
  Speaker 8: because no one has taken my reel into submission.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, I won't do any coffee hangs.
• 2:48
  Speaker 7: Okay, okay, I'm not sure what you said.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: However, no, I won't talk to anyone coming up in
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: the business because my time is too valuable.
• 3:01
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 3:01
  Speaker 9: Oh well, hello everyone. My name is Nicholas Christopher.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Dein for the job at.
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: A young age.
• 3:12
  Speaker 9: It is very, very destined for the job. I am
• 3:16
  Speaker 9: a fifty five year old man, and I play good
• 3:19
  Speaker 9: old Saint Nick down in Topega Canyon for the Malibu kids. Yes,
• 3:26
  Speaker 9: and I do a couple other places. We go up
• 3:29
  Speaker 9: to Ventura every once in a while.
• 3:30
  Speaker 6: And oh it is fun.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: You ever do honekun Santa Monica?
• 3:37
  Speaker 9: Well, they don't really have a Santa Claus figure, but
• 3:40
  Speaker 9: I will attend.
• 3:41
  Speaker 4: Well, I do have one, but it is offensive.
• 3:46
  Speaker 5: Really true.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: Well oh ho, hey, everybody, my name is matt Lanyard
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: I and I love being a Maul Santa because it
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: led me fly under the radar.
• 4:03
  Speaker 6: Oh oh what does that mean? Matthew lanyard.
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: Well, we all know how it is. Sometimes you're running
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: from something and sometimes you need a place to be
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: for a while.
• 4:21
  Speaker 9: I will say I've listened to this podcast before and
• 4:24
  Speaker 9: there are a lot of interesting names. But for some reason,
• 4:27
  Speaker 9: Matt Lanyard feels the fakeust.
• 4:29
  Speaker 5: It was weird to me. It's because I'm wearing a
• 4:32
  Speaker 5: lanyard today. I have a student.
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: That's such a coincidence. I my mother gave me that
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: name back when I grew up in Michigan.
• 4:47
  Speaker 6: That's weird.
• 4:47
  Speaker 9: There's a picture of Michigan right against that wall.
• 4:50
  Speaker 7: I don't it's so weird.
• 4:52
  Speaker 6: Are Michigan?
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: Oh oh oh, well you probably haven't heard of it.
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: The name the city is like Bulbsville, so interesting.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, light bulb bulb.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Oh oh they do. Oh good. Yeah, we have
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: a lot to talk about.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Oh my god.
• 5:16
  Speaker 5: Well, so I want to bring something up that I'm
• 5:18
  Speaker 5: really excited to talk about because people honestly only see
• 5:21
  Speaker 5: us as laps and that kind of bothers me. Oh yeah,
• 5:25
  Speaker 5: you know, people just use.
• 5:26
  Speaker 6: Us for our laps.
• 5:27
  Speaker 7: You'll get used to it.
• 5:28
  Speaker 5: But something that people don't know about Malsanas is that
• 5:30
  Speaker 5: every year we get drafted by the different places that
• 5:34
  Speaker 5: want us, and we have to go in the big
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: Malsanna draft.
• 5:37
  Speaker 7: I would like to be in the draft.
• 5:39
  Speaker 8: So I've been working at the same mall for about
• 5:41
  Speaker 8: fifteen years and I've done a lot of submissions and
• 5:43
  Speaker 8: no one's really asked me to move locations.
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: Well, you can be locked in, you can be contracted right,
• 5:48
  Speaker 5: or you can get.
• 5:49
  Speaker 6: In the draft deal or a draft.
• 5:51
  Speaker 7: I was the only one that they wanted for one mall.
• 5:55
  Speaker 7: Which one it's Westfield and Sherman Oaks.
• 5:58
  Speaker 6: That makes sense, that makes sense. That's drafted.
• 6:00
  Speaker 5: You know, that's a that's a private sector.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my dog gets her haircut.
• 6:05
  Speaker 7: That one kind of dog? You got the poodle?
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: What's your net worth? All of us just you.
• 6:14
  Speaker 7: You sound like rich. What kind of gig you have?
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: That makes me wonder what your net worth is? Oh?
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: Well, do I have a voice of a net worth
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: of a six figure income?
• 6:24
  Speaker 6: Sure?
• 6:25
  Speaker 5: Well, actually one hundred thousand dollars.
• 6:28
  Speaker 7: Yeah, that sounds like nice. That's like something I could
• 6:31
  Speaker 7: get there. I could get there.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: It's one hundred thousand dollars.
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 6:35
  Speaker 5: Wow, that's big money for Santas.
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean that's not bad.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Do you guys get paid yearly or yeah.
• 6:43
  Speaker 8: I think about twenty twenty k pretty big stuff's and
• 6:48
  Speaker 8: I get a cool hopeful. I get a Christmas bonus
• 6:51
  Speaker 8: every year five thousand dollars.
• 6:54
  Speaker 7: Is that incredible?
• 6:55
  Speaker 6: That is exceptional?
• 6:57
  Speaker 9: So you work at the ma all year round and
• 7:00
  Speaker 9: then you get a Christmas bone. I'm confused how your
• 7:02
  Speaker 9: sandal works.
• 7:03
  Speaker 8: Yeah, so I work January through December as a mall Santa.
• 7:08
  Speaker 6: Sorry, so you take December off?
• 7:10
  Speaker 8: Yeah, so you're in the city of sus you take
• 7:14
  Speaker 8: December off. Yahlanta, I get replaced on Christmas, but I
• 7:19
  Speaker 8: work the whole year.
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: So how often do you work per month? Let's say
• 7:25
  Speaker 4: every week.
• 7:26
  Speaker 7: There's a special Christmas store in the mall.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Are you like being like an Easter bunny during spring?
• 7:34
  Speaker 7: Oh, I'm just a Santa.
• 7:35
  Speaker 9: Oh you're at the Westfield Schirm. They have Christmas year round. Yeah,
• 7:38
  Speaker 9: they have Christmas year round. That store, that's just Christmas
• 7:41
  Speaker 9: year round. Yeah, and you are the Santa that sits
• 7:43
  Speaker 9: on the seat and you only get paid twenty thousand
• 7:46
  Speaker 9: dollars a year.
• 7:46
  Speaker 5: Yep, good stuff.
• 7:48
  Speaker 7: My mom when she was the first Santa, got paid
• 7:50
  Speaker 7: ten So I think it's a it's a booze.
• 7:53
  Speaker 5: Do they consider you a Santa or are you? Do
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: you consider that you work in retail? Like, are you somebody?
• 7:59
  Speaker 5: Are you just in you have the store, or are
• 8:01
  Speaker 5: you specifically the same?
• 8:03
  Speaker 8: Yeah, so I'm a I'm a I'm a store employee.
• 8:08
  Speaker 5: At and around.
• 8:10
  Speaker 8: It's Christmas all you're around. It's there all the time.
• 8:18
  Speaker 8: It's a very small store. It's in the middle. It's
• 8:21
  Speaker 8: one of those kiosks.
• 8:23
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 8:24
  Speaker 9: I was thinking when you first came on, it seems
• 8:26
  Speaker 9: so progressive that they would have a female Santa. But
• 8:31
  Speaker 9: upon rehearing you, it seems like the only time they
• 8:35
  Speaker 9: are willing to not have a female Santa is during
• 8:38
  Speaker 9: Christmas time.
• 8:39
  Speaker 7: Yeah, you're not quite ready. Yeah, it's a bummer.
• 8:44
  Speaker 4: I'm so sorry. Misogyny sounds hard.
• 8:47
  Speaker 5: I don't want to make you open up any wounds,
• 8:49
  Speaker 5: but would you mind talking about the challenges you face?
• 8:52
  Speaker 6: Is because misogy does sound very hard.
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: It sounds really hard.
• 8:56
  Speaker 5: And there's two challenges, being a female Santa and being
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: a Santa off season, the eleven months that are not
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: the season.
• 9:03
  Speaker 7: There's challenging time for us women.
• 9:06
  Speaker 8: They don't think that I'm strong enough to hold a
• 9:08
  Speaker 8: lot of children on my laps.
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: Oh do you get a lot of the excuse that
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: your lap doesn't have enough square footage that they think
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: you're boss? Would right?
• 9:17
  Speaker 10: Talk about lap size? Yeah, I've got a small lap size.
• 9:23
  Speaker 10: Got thick thighs, but a small lap size. So they're
• 9:25
  Speaker 10: worried about that. So that's why I've never made the
• 9:27
  Speaker 10: Christmas cut.
• 9:29
  Speaker 5: Oh, I'm so sorry not to get sutter and so sorry.
• 9:33
  Speaker 9: No kids are coming to you off season? Yep, what
• 9:36
  Speaker 9: are they saying? They must be so confused?
• 9:39
  Speaker 7: They are their parents try to get in the pictures early.
• 9:42
  Speaker 7: They just like to sit on my lap and ask
• 9:44
  Speaker 7: me questions.
• 9:45
  Speaker 6: Well, oh that is a fun question. What are the
• 9:49
  Speaker 6: questions you're getting?
• 9:50
  Speaker 5: Oh, that's fun.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Oh it changes every year.
• 9:53
  Speaker 7: Have you gotten any questions yet?
• 9:54
  Speaker 5: I've gotten a couple questions.
• 9:56
  Speaker 6: By the way, you were drafted this year. Let's just
• 9:58
  Speaker 6: go back drafted seasons.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Have you been drafted?
• 10:01
  Speaker 5: So? I this was my third season being drafted. So
• 10:07
  Speaker 5: first I got drafted into the Los Alamos mall, and
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: then I was said, so you were sixteen, that I
• 10:12
  Speaker 5: was sixteen. I started the I started the mall six.
• 10:16
  Speaker 6: You've got a full white bearded, white old white beard.
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: I got saggy, old wrinkley skin.
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: And would you say that's genetic or did something happened.
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I've one of the doctors. They said, nothing's wrong
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: with me. This is just how I look. And I
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: look like an old, decrepit man. It's just who I am.
• 10:33
  Speaker 5: I don't have any today disorder. It feels good to
• 10:35
  Speaker 5: be able to use what I got. You know, they
• 10:38
  Speaker 5: used to call me crazy names, awful nasty names in school.
• 10:42
  Speaker 5: Grandpa was so awful. It was awful, Grandpa, uncle, daddy.
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: They used to call me something like, oh god, it.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Was so hard.
• 10:54
  Speaker 7: I wish they called me daddy. They called me old
• 10:56
  Speaker 7: bitch in school.
• 10:59
  Speaker 5: Yeah, because we all we probably all look like we
• 11:02
  Speaker 5: have the face to become Santa's, right. I mean you
• 11:04
  Speaker 5: can tell. I see babies that are born all the time,
• 11:06
  Speaker 5: and I'm like, you're about to be a Santa, Like
• 11:08
  Speaker 5: you look like a Santa. Be honest. A lot of
• 11:10
  Speaker 5: babies already look like Santa's. They got the chubby face,
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: they got.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: The round thing, the second on a cookie.
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 11:16
  Speaker 9: Absolutely, I will say, you do look like sixteen year
• 11:19
  Speaker 9: old Benjamin Button. You do you have that vibe, and
• 11:21
  Speaker 9: I'm wondering if that maybe is what's happening to you.
• 11:23
  Speaker 6: Do you feel like you're aging backwards you?
• 11:25
  Speaker 5: I feel like I'm Benjamin Buttoning, you know. Recently I
• 11:31
  Speaker 5: got into skateboarding, and I wasn't in a skateboarding when
• 11:34
  Speaker 5: I was younger, So maybe I'm picking up younger skills
• 11:37
  Speaker 5: all the time. So maybe maybe I don't know. I
• 11:41
  Speaker 5: would say that I like the questions from the kids
• 11:46
  Speaker 5: because I like, I feel like I can relate to them.
• 11:47
  Speaker 5: They don't know. I'm like an undercover young guy. Oh yeah,
• 11:51
  Speaker 5: so when they ask me questions what I love? Is
• 11:54
  Speaker 5: your beard real? And I say, well, why don't you
• 11:55
  Speaker 5: tug on it? And they tug on it, and they
• 11:58
  Speaker 5: do tug on it and some of it comes out.
• 12:00
  Speaker 7: I'm jealous of that when they tongue on it just
• 12:02
  Speaker 7: comes right off.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:03
  Speaker 5: Oh yeah, because.
• 12:04
  Speaker 7: I'm a woman.
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so it's stuck when the kids and ask
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: you questions that you don't know the answers to.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: Oh, and this country, yes, this country is making it very.
• 12:16
  Speaker 4: Hard, making it hard politically.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: I feel like the children are crying out for answers,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: and it wasn't this way ten years ago. No, it Yeah,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: it was just I want a skateboard, I want a balloon.
• 12:34
  Speaker 6: And then what are they asking now?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Now they're asking when will the war end? Yes, they're
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: asking what.
• 12:40
  Speaker 5: Are the questions about which they talking about?
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: All of them?
• 12:44
  Speaker 7: I agree we must be having the same type of people.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I just I don't want to talk.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: To kids anymore about if the kid's a Democrat or
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: a Republican.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: Can we all be on the same side.
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: Oh, it's because the kids are at the grove and
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: so they're a little wealthier, they're from the west side.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: The least amount of thing I want is a little girl,
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: clad clad, iron clad Brandy Melville sitting on my lap
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: with her bony buckist continue that her father is a
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: lobbyoust for the Democratic Party.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: This is the kind of thing I have to.
• 13:28
  Speaker 7: This sounds really intense.
• 13:30
  Speaker 5: That sounds really intense. Did you train somewhere to become
• 13:32
  Speaker 5: a Santa?
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: I trained at BADA British Academy of Dramatic Arts.
• 13:42
  Speaker 6: Okay, this explains the.
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: Voice the Royal Dramatic No famous, No, I went to
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: bought cool.
• 13:52
  Speaker 7: That's really expensive to get in. I didn't have a chance.
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I certainly not. I tried to go to
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: school from Alsanta. My parents said they will not to
• 14:00
  Speaker 5: send me to school to make to make this career happen.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: Those school programs are still developing. I do believe in
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: ten years those those you could get a BFA in
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: malt Santa.
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: But not right now.
• 14:11
  Speaker 8: No, no, it doesn't happen for people like us over here.
• 14:14
  Speaker 7: So but thanks. Have you lived with your parents?
• 14:18
  Speaker 5: Do I live with my parents?
• 14:19
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 14:19
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I do. I do live with my parents. It's
• 14:21
  Speaker 5: been really, really fun.
• 14:22
  Speaker 7: It's nice.
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: I love my parents. They're my best friends.
• 14:27
  Speaker 6: That's great, so sweet.
• 14:28
  Speaker 7: It's very sweet. I still live with my mom really.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 14:31
  Speaker 7: She's given me all of her old stuff. This was
• 14:33
  Speaker 7: my mom's back in the eighties.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 14:35
  Speaker 7: And this was my mom's back in the seventies.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: It looks like it hasn't moved in years.
• 14:40
  Speaker 8: So she puts it on a cone overnight and it
• 14:44
  Speaker 8: just sits on the shelf.
• 14:45
  Speaker 7: And when I take it off, it's perfect.
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: Yeah your hat for the listeners, you can't see it
• 14:49
  Speaker 5: at all.
• 14:50
  Speaker 7: It doesn't bet.
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: It's a perfect triangle. Very pointing.
• 14:56
  Speaker 7: At the time, Yeah, I was hoping that it would
• 14:58
  Speaker 7: get me my gig at the Americana, but they just
• 15:00
  Speaker 7: won't take my tape.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about the first time you put on the suit.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: Oh yes, forget.
• 15:09
  Speaker 7: Mister Lanyard.
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: Yes, of course. Well I would imagine I had the
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: same experience as a lot of you. I went to
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: the store we all know the name of it, and
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: I put on the coat and I said, wow, I
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: guess I do look like Santa Claus. And then I
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: walked into my job that I was hired to do,
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: and I sat right down there, and then the kids
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: lined up, and then we took photos. That's all that happened.
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: Everything was completely just like how your experience went.
• 15:49
  Speaker 9: That is exactly how my experience went. Well, but you
• 15:53
  Speaker 9: said it in a way that made me doubtful.
• 15:55
  Speaker 8: Yeah, what whatever do you mean because you forgot the pants?
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: You were wearing pants, right, I hope you were wearing
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: Of course I was. I was wearing the normal thing
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: that everyone was wearing, the pants. Okay, fine, I have
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: a confession to make. I'm not the real Matt Lanyard.
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: What what I assumed Matt Lanyard's identity because my name
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: is Santa Claus.
• 16:34
  Speaker 8: Wait a second, are you serious?
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: I ran into Please, this isn't being recorded, right. I
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: I ran into some trouble up there, and long story short,
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: I need some place to be for a while. Run
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: under the radar. Oh you know, bureaucratic nonsense this and
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: in a straight of fuck up that some people don't
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: exist anymore.
• 17:06
  Speaker 7: Wait, this is the north pole that you ran from.
• 17:09
  Speaker 4: This is the north Pole. I ran down there. I
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: well sled it down there, lost the reindeer in a
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: different in a normal way.
• 17:19
  Speaker 5: Now in order to run, you seem exhausted.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: In order to run from being Santa. You are now
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: playing Santa.
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: It's an unbreakable curse. I wish there was another way.
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: So you're but this is the only thing I can
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: do to maintain to not arouse suspicion, mister.
• 17:39
  Speaker 5: Former, mister Lanyard, can you look me in the eyes
• 17:41
  Speaker 5: and tell me you're Santah? You really are Santa?
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: Yes? Yeah, kid, I'm sorry. This is Are you impressed?
• 17:51
  Speaker 5: I am. I'm a huge fan.
• 17:55
  Speaker 6: I also didn't expect you to look like this.
• 17:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm a little peeved to be I'm you're here.
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: In what way do you think I look different than
• 18:03
  Speaker 4: Santa Claus?
• 18:04
  Speaker 9: Well, I feel like well, you can now take off
• 18:07
  Speaker 9: the white beard and the white wig that you're wearing
• 18:10
  Speaker 9: and show us what you really look like.
• 18:13
  Speaker 4: Well, I've never done that before. I guess. Uh, okay,
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: here we go, unbuttoned this and unlast.
• 18:27
  Speaker 5: There's a white look.
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well that's what.
• 18:30
  Speaker 5: I look like.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: It's like you took your chin off and under it
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: it's another chin.
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: A beard. Oh my god. You know people do have
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: real beards, right, do you guys understand that some men
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: actually do have white beards? You?
• 18:43
  Speaker 7: Actually, I have a real question that I've been dying
• 18:47
  Speaker 7: to ask. Are you and missus Claus is that? Are
• 18:51
  Speaker 7: you guys together?
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: Open?
• 18:53
  Speaker 7: Yes, you're open, you're Polly.
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: Yes we are Polly. Well, I don't know if she'll
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: take me back. But at the time before the incident,
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: we were open. We were running around. We were on oh,
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: what's that website?
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Harmony field?
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: Hey, yeah, field, but we call it something winter. Yes,
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: it don't come to me something.
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: Are you on Christmas Field?
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: That's what it was. It was Christmas Field.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: Christmas versions.
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Christmas Field. It's sort of a play on words
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: because the normal one is field, but this one is
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: Christmas Field.
• 19:42
  Speaker 8: And all the pictures that you submit are Christmas themed correct,
• 19:45
  Speaker 8: well they have to be.
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: They kick you off and they label you and your
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: band forever if you if you post anything from the
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: summer or some other season, it gets you a permanent
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: suspension because that's not what they are looking for. Paul
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: amorous couples, specifically who deliver presents on Christmas.
• 20:05
  Speaker 7: That's why I can't get on there.
• 20:06
  Speaker 6: I should really check that out.
• 20:08
  Speaker 7: It's funny because polyamorous.
• 20:11
  Speaker 9: I'm interested in it. I love delivering presents.
• 20:14
  Speaker 5: Acronyms on Christmas Field, you gotta be careful. I've been
• 20:16
  Speaker 5: on there every now and then. BDSM stands for bells
• 20:20
  Speaker 5: deck the Halls, Santa and Mary.
• 20:24
  Speaker 8: Marry and Mary from Marry not Marry Mary Mary Mary Mary.
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: Yes, and if you're not into that, it could be
• 20:32
  Speaker 4: a shock when you're not expecting it.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: I'm so I'm freaking out that I'm sorry to make
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: this all about me.
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: Look I you know it, but I yeah, I feel
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: I can. I can wipe my brow for the first
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: time in three weeks since I've slipped in well.
• 20:52
  Speaker 9: And now we get a lovely perspective of the difference
• 20:55
  Speaker 9: between real Santa and.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: That the person I clock in as is you right here?
• 21:03
  Speaker 9: It's like Michael Jackson impersonators sitting down with the Michael
• 21:08
  Speaker 9: Jackson after he's faked his dust.
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: And you know what, maybe I can dispel some of
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: the myths that the mall santas are perpetuating, because well,
• 21:17
  Speaker 4: I would say number one, the lap thing, I don't
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: do that I actually do to the magic that allows
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: me to live forever. I physically don't have a lap.
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: When I sit down, nothing happens, nothing's there. The kids sit,
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: that's the thing. They can't, but they get bounced off
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: like a force field.
• 21:37
  Speaker 5: So when you sit down in front of a lap,
• 21:39
  Speaker 5: so I think a laugh is a physical part of
• 21:41
  Speaker 5: someone's body. What's what's what's going on between your knees?
• 21:46
  Speaker 6: Well, it's a force field they bounce off of.
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: It's a force field. I don't know. There's something with
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: the immortality. You'll have to ask our resident scientist. He's
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: very busy up there. His name is Canane, doctor Candy Cane,
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: and tearing his hair out trying to figure out how
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: I exist. He has hair.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: You have quite literally rocked this roundtable. It is cold vanity.
• 22:12
  Speaker 7: So what do you think about a woman's sanna.
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: Well, okay, I mean, hey, listen, sweetie, I.
• 22:23
  Speaker 6: That okay, We're good.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: We're good now.
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: Sorry, I I the weather, I I your immortal powers.
• 22:32
  Speaker 7: Yeah, understood, listen.
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: I mean sure, maybe there's I just think that women
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: and men are pretty different.
• 22:41
  Speaker 7: So girls can't do this gig.
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: Well, I'm not saying they can't. I'm just saying, why
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: would you want to? You have a I'm sure you
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: have a husband at home. Mom, you live with your.
• 22:54
  Speaker 8: Mom, yep, and the whole house is filled with hats
• 22:56
  Speaker 8: and hats and polished boots.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: Can I say?
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: Well, I think it's a safety issue because what if
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: the younger kids are on your lap.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: And they smell a little milk in the titty?
• 23:08
  Speaker 8: What if I don't have falcon and titty because I'm
• 23:11
  Speaker 8: not pregnant, But my.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: God, these kids can so quickly switch to breastfeeding.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: And that's why I think.
• 23:18
  Speaker 7: Can they say it latch?
• 23:19
  Speaker 4: You think?
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: I hope they would have latched.
• 23:23
  Speaker 7: I don't have any areas that are open.
• 23:24
  Speaker 8: Again, my mom didn't leave any areas open for latching.
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: I don't.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: You'd be surprised latching could have happened.
• 23:31
  Speaker 7: Did they latch on you?
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Sir, no, I have no milk there.
• 23:36
  Speaker 6: I've had a couple of kids latch.
• 23:39
  Speaker 9: Whole ho ho and it is an awkward conversation, but
• 23:42
  Speaker 9: it's all.
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: Hey, as the real Santa Claus, I feel like I
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: should clarify this shouldn't happen, that there's no basis for
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: this happening. That's never been part of my deal.
• 23:53
  Speaker 9: Well, that's interesting. This is where we uh, you know,
• 23:56
  Speaker 9: this is where it differs. You know, because I've had
• 23:58
  Speaker 9: a couple of kids latcher when I.
• 24:00
  Speaker 5: When I, when I was drafted to Bakersfield, the kids
• 24:03
  Speaker 5: would come mouths open, ready to latch because the last Santa,
• 24:07
  Speaker 5: the last Santa, promoted latching, and so they had to retrain.
• 24:11
  Speaker 5: I used to it. No, it wasn't a female.
• 24:14
  Speaker 7: It's a female. I would have known, I would have
• 24:16
  Speaker 7: jumped on it was.
• 24:17
  Speaker 5: It was not it was. It was it was a man.
• 24:19
  Speaker 5: And that man actually ended up going on to be arrested.
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: But he had conditioned the whole community into thinking that's
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: what Santa did. And and and they they would write
• 24:30
  Speaker 5: letters into Santa. And you maybe got some of these
• 24:33
  Speaker 5: Santa from the kids in Bakersfield saying I want some
• 24:37
  Speaker 5: teeth jams. I want some tooth gyms so that I
• 24:39
  Speaker 5: look good when I'm latching onto you. Yeah, tooth jam
• 24:43
  Speaker 5: they line up. They look like a bunch of baby birds.
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: I didn't know what they were talking about.
• 24:47
  Speaker 5: They wanted tooth gems little to put on their teeth.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: That is horrible.
• 24:50
  Speaker 7: That's terrible. Those don't come off for a while.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: Have you guys been pooped by the kids multiple times? Yes,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: me too.
• 24:57
  Speaker 8: The poop is the hardest part because then you have
• 25:00
  Speaker 8: to stop the line and you miss your whole lunch
• 25:02
  Speaker 8: break because you gotta clean it up. Lunch breaks are important.
• 25:05
  Speaker 8: I get a fifteen Oh, that's great. I go to
• 25:08
  Speaker 8: Auntie Annie's sometimes get a nice, sweet little.
• 25:10
  Speaker 5: Prince for a lunch.
• 25:14
  Speaker 7: I don't get fifteen minutes.
• 25:15
  Speaker 8: And this is an just a voucher for ten bucks.
• 25:19
  Speaker 9: And just to clarify again, this is every month besides
• 25:22
  Speaker 9: the month of seventie.
• 25:24
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I don't do Christmas every other month.
• 25:27
  Speaker 4: Though.
• 25:27
  Speaker 5: I want to say, I think you are a hero.
• 25:29
  Speaker 5: I really think you're a hero. And I and I
• 25:31
  Speaker 5: think everybody here is being misogynistic to you. I agree.
• 25:35
  Speaker 5: I want to stand up and I want to say
• 25:37
  Speaker 5: I want to champion a female Santa Claus. If you
• 25:39
  Speaker 5: were a woman, I would actually I would prefer that.
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: You would prefer me to be a woman. Yeah, son,
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: what are you? What right? You're nineteen years old. I
• 25:50
  Speaker 4: was gifting you presents a mirror two years ago and
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: you have the nerve to tell me who shouldn't shouldn't
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: be a woman?
• 25:59
  Speaker 5: You know what? Can I be honest with you? Santa?
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: No?
• 26:02
  Speaker 5: You know what I'm I'm standing up for you. I'm here.
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: The bike could easily go to some other kid.
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: Old on a minute. You are my hero, and to
• 26:14
  Speaker 5: be a hero for you, I'm standing up for my hero.
• 26:16
  Speaker 5: Let me tell you what the reason I wanted to
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: become a Santa Nod is not because it's the only
• 26:20
  Speaker 5: job I can work.
• 26:21
  Speaker 6: I could.
• 26:21
  Speaker 5: I could work for a Salvation Army. As a Santa.
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: I could work, I could, I could, I can. I
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: could work and sell newspapers. Look guy who sells newspapers
• 26:29
  Speaker 5: with this beard in my body? Okay, I'm trying to
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: defend you. Yes, but what I will tell you is
• 26:35
  Speaker 5: that I started becoming a Santa because the gifts you
• 26:37
  Speaker 5: started giving me were not good. And if I could
• 26:40
  Speaker 5: help with that, Oh, I could fix that. I'm sorry.
• 26:43
  Speaker 5: I was excited to see you, and I'm happy to
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: see you because I'm trying to be you. But I
• 26:46
  Speaker 5: actually I am trying to be better than you because
• 26:47
  Speaker 5: you're the past and I want to be the future
• 26:49
  Speaker 5: of Santa's.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, you're a hero.
• 26:53
  Speaker 6: Thank you.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: Have you ever thought about being a sired Have you
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: ever thought about doing Santa work at the hospital, because
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: you seem like you have a good a good knack
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: for it.
• 27:00
  Speaker 5: I'm not interested now.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Those Santa's are the hardest working. I'll say it all
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Santa's and then the.
• 27:06
  Speaker 5: I just don't like the air in the hospital makes
• 27:07
  Speaker 5: my nose feel weird.
• 27:09
  Speaker 7: It's in there.
• 27:10
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 27:10
  Speaker 8: Also, their outfits are just not pristine. They barely wash
• 27:13
  Speaker 8: their boots or shine them at the hospital.
• 27:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah, you're talking about the nurses.
• 27:17
  Speaker 6: Do you ever go to visit hospitals? It's real, Santa.
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: No, you know I it. It just now is crossing
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: my mind that that's something I could be doing. Yes,
• 27:28
  Speaker 4: I think it could be a good thing. Right now,
• 27:34
  Speaker 4: you miss them?
• 27:35
  Speaker 6: I don't.
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: I don't like the way it feels in there. Gives
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: me the ick.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: But what you said is their Santa suits are bad.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I mean at.
• 27:44
  Speaker 7: Their total message.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I'm in Alexander McQueen.
• 27:48
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and it's frightening.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: What kind of.
• 27:49
  Speaker 7: Salary do you have?
• 27:50
  Speaker 5: It is?
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: I mean, Alexander McQueen is a very intense designer. You've
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: got shuds everywhere, big sleeves.
• 27:58
  Speaker 9: You work in the Alexander Queen every once in a while, right,
• 28:01
  Speaker 9: you'll sit there and oh, that's what.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: They have me in in the Alexander McQueen.
• 28:04
  Speaker 4: But then the flagship store.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And every once in a while we'll do
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: a Barnes and Noble day where my Santa hat says
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: go read and we'll do a promo with Barnes and Noble.
• 28:15
  Speaker 7: That hat's all leather, correct, and you have a leather
• 28:17
  Speaker 7: cape usually.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, the Queen.
• 28:20
  Speaker 7: If you'd ever want to throw it.
• 28:22
  Speaker 8: My way, just for maybe one of my submission tapes,
• 28:26
  Speaker 8: let me now sure?
• 28:28
  Speaker 7: Okay, my god?
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: Can I ask you guys something? Uh? Why why do
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: you want to do this?
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: You know what?
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: What is the thing that drives you to imitate me
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: instead of being yourselves? What is it you think that
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: about me that that would make you want to do this?
• 28:51
  Speaker 9: Well, I'll start I am utterly confused. I was not
• 28:58
  Speaker 9: ready for this. I was expecting this.
• 29:02
  Speaker 5: Feels like some viral video like when Adele saying, for
• 29:05
  Speaker 5: all the personators.
• 29:07
  Speaker 9: I'm sitting next to the real Santa Claus, the first
• 29:12
  Speaker 9: woman Santa Claus, the youngest, nineteen year old Santa Claus,
• 29:16
  Speaker 9: the richest Santa Claus, and then me, I'm just your
• 29:19
  Speaker 9: regular old Santa Claus. And I'm also in the Devil's Angels.
• 29:22
  Speaker 9: That's all I do.
• 29:23
  Speaker 6: You know the.
• 29:24
  Speaker 5: Biker game Hells Angels Angels.
• 29:27
  Speaker 6: We go, We've changed it to the Devil's Angels.
• 29:30
  Speaker 4: See that's something Hell was generic.
• 29:33
  Speaker 6: We felt it was being co opted, so we took it.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Are you guys vaccinated?
• 29:38
  Speaker 5: Yes, yes, yes, of course Santa?
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: Or what Santa?
• 29:45
  Speaker 6: Oh did you miss that? You missed the whole?
• 29:49
  Speaker 5: Why?
• 29:49
  Speaker 4: What? What did I did I miss something?
• 29:51
  Speaker 6: What?
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: Santa?
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: You I got polio, I got the polio vaccine.
• 29:55
  Speaker 9: You got polio and then you got the polio vaccine
• 29:59
  Speaker 9: or you just got the vaccine.
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: Well, yeah, you get polio and then you go. I went, oh, no,
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: I had polio, so I went down to the States
• 30:05
  Speaker 4: and I got a polio can I asked.
• 30:06
  Speaker 9: You something did bolto the dog deliver that to you
• 30:09
  Speaker 9: up in the north Pole.
• 30:09
  Speaker 4: Who the fuck is that?
• 30:12
  Speaker 7: My god, it's all mass.
• 30:13
  Speaker 5: You really need to get vaccinated. You are actually legitimately
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: the textbook definition of a super spreader if.
• 30:20
  Speaker 7: You got polio not too long ago. I'm really worried
• 30:22
  Speaker 7: about this meeting.
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: What am I spreading? You guys are all listen. I
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: don't know what's going on down here. A lot of
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: the time I can only see into your brains or
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: presents you want, what letters you send me. I'm not
• 30:34
  Speaker 4: watching your everyday lives.
• 30:37
  Speaker 9: You can see into our brains what presents we want.
• 30:39
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that should be part of the Lord. Then we
• 30:42
  Speaker 4: wouldn't have to waste so much paper.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: You should be taken care of by the state's best doctors.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: You quite literally bring anything to anyone from anywhere.
• 30:51
  Speaker 7: He doesn't like hospitals, and I don't blame them.
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well, yes, so I'm not picking up any germs
• 30:56
  Speaker 4: from the hospital. I'm I'm visiting largely people who are
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: not sick enough to be in a hospital.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Okay, anyway, I'll say why I thought I do this.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: I do this job because that was your question, right, Sannah?
• 31:10
  Speaker 7: Why we guess why do this?
• 31:13
  Speaker 6: Mmm, Oh, you're gonna answer, but you don't have any
• 31:18
  Speaker 6: Well I'll answer.
• 31:19
  Speaker 7: I'll answer.
• 31:21
  Speaker 9: I do this as a great way to give back
• 31:23
  Speaker 9: to kids and the community. I have come from a
• 31:26
  Speaker 9: really rough background, have been in bad situations before, and
• 31:30
  Speaker 9: I find that the innocence is something that we need
• 31:33
  Speaker 9: to protect. And so I'm so happy.
• 31:37
  Speaker 4: Are you gunning for my job? Buddy?
• 31:40
  Speaker 10: What?
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: No, You've got some fucking nerves.
• 31:42
  Speaker 5: Okay, No, talking about the innocence.
• 31:44
  Speaker 4: Of children, that's my deal.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: Oh God, you asked the question.
• 31:49
  Speaker 6: You don't know who the fuck?
• 31:50
  Speaker 4: I know what?
• 31:51
  Speaker 6: I I don't know who the fuck? I know what?
• 31:54
  Speaker 7: Do you guys are?
• 31:55
  Speaker 6: I am?
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: She hasn't known.
• 31:58
  Speaker 7: Woman and I have a name?
• 32:00
  Speaker 5: What is your name?
• 32:00
  Speaker 7: Rip Kirby?
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Hey, okay, Lady Santa, why do you do this?
• 32:05
  Speaker 6: Oh my god?
• 32:06
  Speaker 8: I do this to encourage other women to start taking
• 32:09
  Speaker 8: roles that we were born to do, like Santa, mailmen,
• 32:14
  Speaker 8: construction workers and god.
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: Anyways, trying the usurp go.
• 32:23
  Speaker 9: I also have got something to admit. I'm sure you
• 32:25
  Speaker 9: also do this in the off season when I'm not
• 32:27
  Speaker 9: playing Santa, I will, you know, sometimes moonlight as God,
• 32:31
  Speaker 9: I will play God and malls in different places.
• 32:34
  Speaker 7: I work in the off season.
• 32:35
  Speaker 6: Yeah, you're so, you're during December.
• 32:38
  Speaker 8: So when it's December, I go to all the nativity
• 32:41
  Speaker 8: sets and I replace the plastic ones sometimes and I
• 32:45
  Speaker 8: stand there as God just a couple of times to
• 32:48
  Speaker 8: get a little to feel like what it's like.
• 32:51
  Speaker 5: And I've never seen God embodied in a Nativity scene.
• 32:56
  Speaker 7: Sherman oaks a lot.
• 32:57
  Speaker 5: Are you talking about the baby Jesus themselves?
• 33:00
  Speaker 7: No, I was talking about the guy who's in the back.
• 33:02
  Speaker 8: You've never seen the guy in the back of the
• 33:03
  Speaker 8: Nativity scenes wavings. There's a whole nativity scene.
• 33:08
  Speaker 7: This is hilarious. You guys haven't seen it.
• 33:10
  Speaker 4: There's a whole.
• 33:11
  Speaker 8: Nativity scene and then like a couple of yards away,
• 33:14
  Speaker 8: there's always a man in the back and he has
• 33:16
  Speaker 8: to have a movable arm, and that's God.
• 33:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, that actually does check out. That was
• 33:23
  Speaker 4: what the original The Birth of Jesus looked like. Were
• 33:28
  Speaker 4: you there, well, yeah, I was, she was he had
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: I just I just yes.
• 33:34
  Speaker 6: That doesn't lead to that.
• 33:37
  Speaker 7: I know my dates.
• 33:39
  Speaker 4: In the air, I guess that would be zero. A
• 33:43
  Speaker 4: d running rampant was running rampant you read Mesopotamia. That's
• 33:52
  Speaker 4: where this happens.
• 33:54
  Speaker 6: We are very confused.
• 33:56
  Speaker 11: Happened around that time? Continue your story anywhere. The year
• 33:59
  Speaker 11: is zero out a d. The year is zero after
• 34:02
  Speaker 11: the death of Christ, running rampant.
• 34:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well that thank you for setting the scene, because
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: that's what happened. I heard of a little baby who
• 34:15
  Speaker 4: was about to be born, and you know, I stopped
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: in the Mesopotamian region.
• 34:23
  Speaker 6: Continue, yeah, no, continue.
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: Look incredible hummus over there anyway.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: I was, oh my god.
• 34:30
  Speaker 4: God God, I'm talking about Mesopotamia. All right, I feel
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: like I've said something offensive.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: Look, I can't get over the fact that we're here
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: with the real and he's this and heading holiday cherry
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: spreading polio.
• 34:50
  Speaker 5: Okay, So I want to hear about when you saw Jesus.
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: Okay, Look, I heard about a baby being born, and
• 34:55
  Speaker 4: I that was like sort of a There wasn't a
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: lot to do back then, So if you heard of
• 34:59
  Speaker 4: a baby being born, you go, okay, I'd like to
• 35:02
  Speaker 4: see that. So I did go over to the manger,
• 35:05
  Speaker 4: and I was kind of just hanging out in the back.
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: I didn't get in any of the photos, which is
• 35:10
  Speaker 4: why you don't see me in a lot of the
• 35:12
  Speaker 4: lore that makes sense. But right as this baby was born,
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: I was sort of hit with this awesome idea for
• 35:18
  Speaker 4: a holiday, and I was like, Okay, I think I
• 35:22
  Speaker 4: think there's something here. I have a kernel of an idea.
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: So I I went to the North Pole and I
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: started working on it. I started sketching out ideas for
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: the holiday before it was called uh tree Tree Night,
• 35:38
  Speaker 4: and uh. There were a lot of names that were
• 35:40
  Speaker 4: thrown out that didn't work. There were tree Tree Night,
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: present day, present day.
• 35:46
  Speaker 8: Yeah, present day fine, because it's like is it present
• 35:51
  Speaker 8: day or present day?
• 35:52
  Speaker 7: Like gift like.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: Last year present day.
• 35:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 35:55
  Speaker 6: So that's very interesting. I had. This is very interesting.
• 35:59
  Speaker 9: You know, the birth of Jesus Christ gave you the
• 36:01
  Speaker 9: idea for Christmas.
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: It did.
• 36:03
  Speaker 9: So you weren't in the North Pole or Santa Claus
• 36:06
  Speaker 9: before that.
• 36:06
  Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I I well, I was named Santa Claus.
• 36:10
  Speaker 6: Oh a classic name for that region.
• 36:12
  Speaker 5: You know, Santa I actually came up with holiday at
• 36:16
  Speaker 5: my school. We did Hawaiian Shirt Fridays in my high school,
• 36:21
  Speaker 5: and I came up with that. Every April we'd wear
• 36:24
  Speaker 5: a Hawaiian shirt on the third Friday.
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's cute.
• 36:28
  Speaker 7: That's very similar.
• 36:29
  Speaker 5: So I feel like, you know, I love I love
• 36:31
  Speaker 5: making holidays too.
• 36:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, well, I mean, I mean keep at it.
• 36:36
  Speaker 4: That sounds like something.
• 36:37
  Speaker 5: Thanks so much.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: It sounds like it could be something.
• 36:39
  Speaker 5: Thanks guys.
• 36:41
  Speaker 9: So you want to do that holiday every month? You
• 36:43
  Speaker 9: want to make it a monthly holiday in the States.
• 36:45
  Speaker 5: Uh? Yeah, I guess that would be awesome if people
• 36:48
  Speaker 5: were interested in it. Go to Hawaiian shirt Friday dot
• 36:52
  Speaker 5: net slash contact and you can email me if you're interested.
• 36:59
  Speaker 5: The whiz on the web site I am.
• 37:01
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 37:01
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it's easy to make a website.
• 37:03
  Speaker 7: Love you to help me with my reel?
• 37:05
  Speaker 5: Yeah? What do you have in your reel?
• 37:06
  Speaker 6: So far?
• 37:07
  Speaker 7: It's just me walking down a hill.
• 37:10
  Speaker 6: It's good.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: It's also this is good.
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: It's a.
• 37:15
  Speaker 6: It's also very important. It's always higher off.
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: This is so good.
• 37:21
  Speaker 7: It's also it's also me.
• 37:23
  Speaker 8: I have this little patch of fake snow in the
• 37:25
  Speaker 8: back of my mom's house, and I walk down it
• 37:27
  Speaker 8: and then I slip and go ho ho ho, and
• 37:31
  Speaker 8: then she throws a kid at me and I hold it.
• 37:33
  Speaker 7: That's a quick that's a quick edit.
• 37:36
  Speaker 8: Uh kid, it's our neighbor friend we'll care the line
• 37:40
  Speaker 8: you don't want that kid to latch?
• 37:43
  Speaker 7: Oh yeah, I forgot about the latching.
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: So what did you do for your monologue?
• 37:48
  Speaker 8: I did something from thirteen going on thirty Classic. I
• 37:54
  Speaker 8: love that movie and just because it was you know
• 37:58
  Speaker 8: that part where she is it? Yeah, Oh wow, I'm
• 38:05
  Speaker 8: becoming someone new, someone I didn't expect.
• 38:09
  Speaker 7: My body's changing, and so is my heart.
• 38:12
  Speaker 8: I'm mature and I'm an adult and I still have
• 38:15
  Speaker 8: a crush and a lot of boys.
• 38:18
  Speaker 7: I did this exactly. I think this one's better.
• 38:20
  Speaker 8: Actually, Oh my god, I got notes from my mom
• 38:23
  Speaker 8: and said she said it was fabulous.
• 38:24
  Speaker 6: Okay.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: I never give tips to people, okay, because I am
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: exhausted and don't have time, but I'm gonna give you
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: a tip right now. If you're gonna go in front
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: of the Grove casting office or the Americana.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you cannot do that monologue.
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: Okay. Can I interrupt for a moment? Oh yes, Santa,
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: Maybe you can't do that monologue for the Grove or
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: the Americana, but you could sure as hell do it
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: for me, because you know what I'm trying to say
• 38:55
  Speaker 4: is I think you've changed my mind on female Santa's Wow.
• 39:01
  Speaker 8: Yes, I knew thirteen's going to work out.
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: That's my favorite movie.
• 39:07
  Speaker 7: I was She's pretty and pink, and then I thought, now.
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, no, you you've really got something. I would
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: be happy to put your name in at any mall
• 39:17
  Speaker 4: in America. Let me tell you that.
• 39:19
  Speaker 7: Yeah, you know what, Hanna.
• 39:21
  Speaker 4: In the I could do the Americana. Yeah, oh, she's
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: coming from my reck. Caruso is a good friend. No
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: call him up.
• 39:29
  Speaker 6: I believe that, I will say.
• 39:31
  Speaker 9: I think though, if somebody received that letter, it would
• 39:34
  Speaker 9: seem like fake. It would seem like hire this person.
• 39:37
  Speaker 9: Love Santa Claus feels like you wrote it. That's all
• 39:40
  Speaker 9: I'm going to say. That's all I'm gonna say.
• 39:42
  Speaker 6: Yeah. So, I don't know.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: I feel a little overlooked here as someone who's been
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: working at the grove. You think a letter of recommendation
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: from Santa is going to do?
• 39:49
  Speaker 6: What did it take you to get there?
• 39:51
  Speaker 7: That sounds like you're in a retirement.
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: I think a blow job after blow.
• 39:56
  Speaker 7: A second?
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: I did how we all ways did it? Back in
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: the day, I slept my way to the top.
• 40:02
  Speaker 7: I wish I knew who I could have slept with.
• 40:04
  Speaker 7: I would have loved to get to the top.
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: It's not like that anymore, honey. They want to see
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: you walk downhill. So good thing you have that in
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: your room.
• 40:10
  Speaker 7: Is it's the beginning shot in the end shot.
• 40:14
  Speaker 9: Yet again, I am absolutely flabbergasted. This is not the
• 40:20
  Speaker 9: round table conversation I expected to show up for.
• 40:23
  Speaker 6: But I am learning a lot.
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: Can I ask, what do you do eleven months out
• 40:27
  Speaker 4: of the year.
• 40:28
  Speaker 9: We run a meth train basically from New Mexico all
• 40:32
  Speaker 9: the way up to northern Canada.
• 40:35
  Speaker 4: Okay, and kid, what do you do eleven months out
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: of the year. I?
• 40:39
  Speaker 5: Uh, well, I'm trying to get Hawaiian suare Friday, going
• 40:42
  Speaker 5: a lot of time, taking them a lot of my time.
• 40:46
  Speaker 5: And then I also, when it's not Santa Claus season,
• 40:50
  Speaker 5: I work at a Marshall's doing what just folding clothes
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: and closing up and opening up in the mornings. I
• 40:59
  Speaker 5: have to clean up some time times if somebody knocks
• 41:00
  Speaker 5: over one of the jugs and juices we sell, Oh,
• 41:05
  Speaker 5: juice is old.
• 41:06
  Speaker 7: Yeah, it all feels very expired to me.
• 41:08
  Speaker 6: The juice.
• 41:09
  Speaker 5: Here's a little tip, don't get the juice judge at
• 41:12
  Speaker 5: Marshalls at.
• 41:13
  Speaker 6: The clothing store. Marshals don't get what about.
• 41:17
  Speaker 7: The body lotions. Sometimes it's already hardened when I open it.
• 41:20
  Speaker 5: That's actually that means it's working. Oh good to the
• 41:23
  Speaker 5: harder the lotion, the newer it is, and then the
• 41:26
  Speaker 5: softer it is, the older it is. At Marshall. This
• 41:28
  Speaker 5: is a Marshall's secret.
• 41:29
  Speaker 6: I love.
• 41:30
  Speaker 5: If I could do Marshalls full time, I could, but
• 41:32
  Speaker 5: I'm freelance there right now. So they needed to take
• 41:34
  Speaker 5: a month off every every.
• 41:36
  Speaker 4: So that they don't have to pay you health insurance.
• 41:39
  Speaker 7: So you're not getting health in fee.
• 41:41
  Speaker 5: No, I don't need it. I'm on my mom and dads.
• 41:45
  Speaker 6: I keep on forgetting your nineteen.
• 41:46
  Speaker 5: I'm nineteen, but I do need health insurance. To be clear.
• 41:50
  Speaker 5: I have a lot of problems.
• 41:52
  Speaker 7: What's going on?
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: Okay?
• 41:54
  Speaker 5: I just get I sunburned so easily it turns into
• 41:57
  Speaker 5: a really really hard.
• 41:58
  Speaker 8: Burnd that is awful.
• 42:03
  Speaker 6: Get some sp I will help you with that.
• 42:05
  Speaker 7: You should get some SPF at Marshall's and maybe some
• 42:07
  Speaker 7: ala vera.
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: So years ago the government wants us to use that,
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: and I won't use it.
• 42:13
  Speaker 5: Years ago, they accidentally switched the sunscreen and mayonnaise at
• 42:18
  Speaker 5: the factory and they never fixed it at Marshalls.
• 42:20
  Speaker 7: Wait, where's the factory.
• 42:21
  Speaker 5: The factory it's in Senegal. Oh yeah, I.
• 42:24
  Speaker 7: Would love to check that out.
• 42:26
  Speaker 6: Wow. Kind of what you do year round?
• 42:30
  Speaker 9: And so and you're off here you're pretending to be God.
• 42:34
  Speaker 9: Is there anything else that you do? Well?
• 42:36
  Speaker 7: I hang out with my mom. We hang out.
• 42:39
  Speaker 8: We cook different dishes every week. I take a turn,
• 42:42
  Speaker 8: she takes a turn. Sometimes I enjoy a cast role,
• 42:46
  Speaker 8: sometimes she does a minister any soup.
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: I started freaking me out. How well adjusted you are?
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: I don't I don't know anyone like this anymore.
• 42:54
  Speaker 8: Well, I was homeschooled and my mom is a single mom,
• 42:59
  Speaker 8: and I never really left the house that much except
• 43:01
  Speaker 8: for hanging out with the neighbor kid who's in my reel.
• 43:04
  Speaker 8: And then yeah, I started baking bread, which has been
• 43:07
  Speaker 8: really fun. And my mom's my best friend and she's
• 43:09
  Speaker 8: kind of the only person that I talked to. This
• 43:11
  Speaker 8: is the most social activity I've had in a really
• 43:15
  Speaker 8: long time, besides the kids.
• 43:17
  Speaker 5: You're doing great, rip, Thank you so much.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: I feel like this sit down really did a lot
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: for each one of us.
• 43:24
  Speaker 6: Well, yeah, we gotta beat real, Santa Claus.
• 43:27
  Speaker 5: Yes, and well what do you do year round?
• 43:29
  Speaker 6: Yeah, and you're not being sent.
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: Oh I take baths and I count, go to count
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: to what what do you count?
• 43:39
  Speaker 5: Two?
• 43:40
  Speaker 6: And where do you count?
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: I love to count. I love to count.
• 43:44
  Speaker 5: What's what's the biggest number you ever got up to?
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: The biggest one fifty two thousand, thousand, thousand one.
• 43:57
  Speaker 5: And how long did that take you to get up to?
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: Oh it's a big monday.
• 44:01
  Speaker 4: I know how you got to one fifty two thousand,
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: because that's not a real number. It was because I
• 44:05
  Speaker 4: gave you that faulty abacus forty years ago.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: Oh and it changed my life.
• 44:11
  Speaker 9: Santa Can I ask what you're doing year round? Because
• 44:14
  Speaker 9: I know December twenty fifth is definitely your day. Well
• 44:19
  Speaker 9: what does old Saint Nick get up to?
• 44:21
  Speaker 4: Oh we do a lot of reindeer racing. Reindeer racing,
• 44:28
  Speaker 4: I do. I watch Love Island. I love that show fun.
• 44:32
  Speaker 7: Oh that's fun.
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: That's good for you.
• 44:34
  Speaker 4: And to be Frank occasionally killing the elves for sport,
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: which is kind of why I'm here. The North Pole
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: cops are after me. They're after me hard, and they're
• 44:45
  Speaker 4: after me for real. This.
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: No, I've been wanting to ask you about that sparkly
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: candy cane ankle bracelet you have on.
• 44:52
  Speaker 4: Yes, well, each charm it's like a Pandora bracelet. Each
• 44:55
  Speaker 4: charm is four and L five. Hunted.
• 44:58
  Speaker 7: Why did you hunt the elves? Did they do something naughty?
• 45:03
  Speaker 4: Well, sometimes people do things for no reason at all.
• 45:09
  Speaker 4: Sometimes sometimes you don't know why you've done something. You
• 45:13
  Speaker 4: just wake up in the morning and you've done it. Yeah,
• 45:16
  Speaker 4: and you can't and you have to live with yourself forever.
• 45:19
  Speaker 5: Guys, I have a confession.
• 45:20
  Speaker 7: Okay, I can feel it.
• 45:24
  Speaker 5: There's no Hawaiian Friday website.
• 45:26
  Speaker 7: I know, son, What Why would you ever lie about
• 45:30
  Speaker 7: something like that? You made a website?
• 45:32
  Speaker 5: I wanted to impress Sanna. I've been going back and
• 45:34
  Speaker 5: forth between liking him and wanting to stand up to him.
• 45:36
  Speaker 5: I feel like you're like my dad. I want to
• 45:39
  Speaker 5: impress you, and I also hate you kind of, and
• 45:42
  Speaker 5: I also want to be better than you. But I
• 45:43
  Speaker 5: want to be you overall.
• 45:45
  Speaker 4: And let me tell you something. I can smell that
• 45:47
  Speaker 4: on you. Yeah, So why don't you take a couple
• 45:51
  Speaker 4: of years work on yourself, work on your craft, maybe
• 45:56
  Speaker 4: take a break from them all. Maybe take a break
• 45:58
  Speaker 4: from trying to be me, from trying to fix me.
• 46:00
  Speaker 4: You can't fix this.
• 46:02
  Speaker 7: Don't do that.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: Oh, I have a confession to make what I didn't
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: work hard for my position. Yeah, my dad is grove Glennie.
• 46:16
  Speaker 8: Lenny, So that means you can contact him from me,
• 46:18
  Speaker 8: the owner of the grove.
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: And that's how I got this job.
• 46:24
  Speaker 4: Sold the grove to grow growth Lenny's and that's my father,
• 46:30
  Speaker 4: and that's how I have this job.
• 46:32
  Speaker 7: I've been trying to email mister Glennie for years. Do
• 46:37
  Speaker 7: you think that you could forward?
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: Sure?
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: It's time I finally use my nepotism for some good.
• 46:44
  Speaker 7: Which is to help me. Two three Okay.
• 46:50
  Speaker 6: Okay, this has been Artists on Artists and Artists and
• 46:53
  Speaker 6: Artists answer the question.
• 46:54
  Speaker 5: Now.
• 46:54
  Speaker 6: That's why we call it showbiz. Good Night.
• 46:59
  Speaker 7: Artist.
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: Artists on, Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood roundtable
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: podcast created and performed and produced by Kylie Braakman, Jeremy Colhane,
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: Angela Jerretana, and Patrick MacDonald. AOAOAOA is a Sugar twenty
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: three podcast. Michael Mayer and Michael Sugar Executive producers Liam
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: Billingham producer. Production support by Angelo Ristano and Anthony di Francesco.
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: Music is by Gabriel Ponton. The opinions expressed on this
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: podcast do not reflect the opinions of anyone who works
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: on it, not even the performers, because this is an
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: improvised podcast and we're stupid. Full video versions of AOAOAOA
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: are available on YouTube, so please like and subscribe and
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: leave us a five star review wherever you get your podcasts.
• 47:37
  Speaker 7: Good night, Hollywood,