Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep27: Factory of Farts/ Comedy Breakdown 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep27: Factory of Farts/ Comedy Breakdown 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just got back from the airport and I saw my favorite thing there.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's guys traveling back from having had hair transplant surgery.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have you guys have you seen this?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Dudes in like the full yes, head wrap, usually from Turkey, yes.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: 100% no, because okay, like women, we can go to like the Dominican Republic and we can get fake tits, an ass, come back, and find a husband.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: But men, they go to Turkey, they get their new hairline, they come back, and they find out that that wasn't the problem.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I oh, it makes me feel so good.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel so good.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I love it, I love it.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: You guys can see me, I'm physically present, yes, you guys, all of you can see me.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wearing pants.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't usually do this.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is new for me.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's I'm from the South where they want like our vaginas accessible to God or something.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not really sure, but like we just did not wear pants, but I just started wearing pants.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And quick question Is it supposed to feel like it's kind of inside you all of the time?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is that just when you sit.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just when I sit.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Truly, when I sit, it's a problem.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: If I ride a bike, I have to file a police report.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's the whole thing.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And like on a hot day, stewed is the only word that I can think that would describe it accurately.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And look, I want him to eat it, right?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want him to have to slurp it up with a spoon.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a situation.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Look, like pants for dudes, okay?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: They take into account that you have external genitalia.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm too poor to have ever been to a tailor, but they like, I hear, ask you, like, does it hang to the right or the left?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And they like make a little pouch for your.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know how it works, okay?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: But pants for women are not like that.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Pants for women act like all of our vaginas look like we gently rested on a credit card for like a few seconds.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just a line and a boop at the end.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: But my vagina's not like that.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: My vagina is three-dimensional.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: My vagina's like coming at you.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm wearing these pants, and I gotta make sure I don't swivel my hips too much, or I might accidentally perform a clitoridectomy and slice it right off, and I can't live with that kind of pressure.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I did get a pair of pants for free.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you all can do this.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's within all of your power to get free pants.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: All you have to do, you make friends with someone who's about your size, okay?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then you slowly emotionally sabotage them over the course of months.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: You ask leading questions like, oh, he hasn't proposed yet.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: They eat more, they eat less, they lose weight, they gain weight, boom.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You get free pants.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's so simple.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: All you have to do is like hurt the people you love.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's like super easy.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I got this pair of pants, and it was buttonfly?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know they were still doing this.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was like something for the Amish, or maybe like to help with iron rations during the war.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really understand it, but it takes me like an additional 15 seconds to get in and out of them.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a barrier between me and my genitals, you know?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And now, annoying.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I wish that I had had these when I was drinking and in my 20s.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are so many dudes I would have never slept with.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: If I had to just like take a few seconds and think about it, you know?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I could be somewhere around the third button, and I'd just be like, he's like not even that good at guitar.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I here?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is also uh, I'm gonna ask the ladies a lot of questions.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I care about what women think just more.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's just sorry, that's just me.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you, ladies.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what's the weirdest thing you ever worried your pussy smelled like?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Fish?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's the most basic answer.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, fish is like entry level, like a kindergartner would have said fish.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, grow up.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: At least name a type of fish, like a salmon, a herring, something.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I worry about it all the time, and several people, a normal number of people, have told me it smells normal, okay?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I still worry about it, to the point where, like, if I'm if I walk by someone eating something and I get a whiff, first thought is always, is it me?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I walked by a lady eating salt and vinegar chips.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I must have like forgotten to wash a flap and now I'm brewing kombucha.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is just, when I was growing up in the suburban grocery store, like half of an aisle was dedicated to make it smell different.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like whatever your vagina smells like, no.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Your vagina should smell like the abstract concept of a night during summertime.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's what your pushy should smell like, you know.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: But um quick question.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dudes! Thanks.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's the weirdest thing you ever worried your dick smelled like?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look, however much you guys are worried about it, you should be worried about it more, okay?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have had sex with a man to avoid blowing him because his dick smelled so weird.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And look, I was already there, so I needed to get mine, okay?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: But your penises literally make cheese, and you're not the slightest bit worried about it?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're not like a little bit concerned.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Look, partially, I would like to elevate women to for us to be able to rise above, to not have to worry about these kinds of things.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly, I would like men to feel weighed down.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want before you receive oral pleasure, for you to have to think, what did I eat for the last 72 hours?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's my political platform.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: I need to tell you guys this is very important that I am a nice lady.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You all need to know I'm a nice lady, and I sleep with men.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I tried not to, but I'll explain.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so my friend was like super nervous to come out to me, and I wanted to make her feel comfortable.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I just overshot that by a lot.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I went down there and I tried really hard, which is a thing that people who are bad at things say, and they like, they like, I can't be gay.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: They like kick me out.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, you're not good enough to be a lesson.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I sleep with men, and because I'm a saint on this earth, I sleep with men with a variety of penis sizes.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a nice lady, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, if it's bigger than an acorn, I can figure it out, right?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: A nice lady.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: But recently this thing has been happening, and I don't know why, where only dudes with big penises are trying to date me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I I look, the stimula remains the same, but the output different, right?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And these guys, these men, they're swinging baseball bats around, and it doesn't require licensure of any kind.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And these dudes are trying to blow up my back or whatever, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm a lady in my 30s.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is your dick gonna do that time and gravity haven't already done?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, these dudes are trying to get up in these guts, okay?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: But like, the guts are where the farts are made.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: So these dudes are in there pushing things around, pushing out farts before they're even ready yet.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Proto-farts, if you will.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly I've got to act like a southern debutante, all, oh, I'm so overwhelmed with the quality of the love making.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then I gotta like run to the bathroom and try to push out every fart I've even thought of having.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then like stroll in casual, like, hey, hey, what's up?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, dudes, are you guys cool with us farting on your dicks or not?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, all these dudes are asking for anal, anal, only do anal.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I looked it up, lots of law books, and apparently I don't have to do it, so I'm not gonna.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And but like, consider me farting on your dick as an amoose bouche too, anal.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like a compliments of the chef.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not a phys I'm not a physicist, obviously, but like seventh grade science, basic stuff, is like, okay, if you put something into a limited space, something has to come out.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's just science.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, if I don't fart at all.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying you have a small dance.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's science, it's not me, it's science.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm gonna get a little uh a little dark for just a second.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just a second.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Two years ago I had a stroke and it took away half of the feeling in my body, which is unfortunate.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if you guys were gonna try to get my attention, don't tap me on the right.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I don't know any of you, so don't fucking touch me.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like, I feel like the universe was like, okay, you have 50% less feeling.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we are gonna give you 500% more dick.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I was asking for.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like healthcare for women or maybe like voting rights, but dick it is again.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh um, I did have a stroke.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I did lose 50% of the feeling in my body.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So now it does take twice as long to come.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It um 50% less feeling, twice as long to come.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: So now it's an intolerable 90 seconds, and I don't know how you guys are living, but I do want to use my experience to help other people.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, have we thought of this for dudes who come too quickly?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not the whole stroke, but part of it.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, some of you, not not fans, okay, fair.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, how long should it take a man to come from penetrative sex?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: 15 minutes.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: 10 minutes.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I heard 10, I heard 15, and I heard 30.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you said 30.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, how old are you?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are you in your 20s?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I thought so.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's a 20-year-old answer, okay?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because no, a woman in her 30s back there said 10 minutes because she has things to do, okay?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: She has responsibilities.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's these young people who are like, I'm 25 and I said 10 minutes.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you have a good job, okay?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Congratulations, get a better job.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um but seriously, truly, it's some of these young clowns out here are like, uh, I want sex to last 30 minutes, which means, okay, so you want sex to last a full sitcom with commercials.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: That seems reasonable to you.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, 25, sorry, let me translate.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you want sex to last, ooh, 75 TikToks.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: That makes sense?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: That seems reasonable?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, that's like getting punched in the vagina.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, I'm sorry, I'm just like very upset by this.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Dudes, if you take longer than 15 minutes to come, we assume you don't like us, okay?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're literally inside me, and I'm like, I guess this means he doesn't like me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, coming in a reasonable amount of time.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Canise.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Goodbye forever.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Goodbye, goodbye.