Latest / The No Cry Zone / What’s Holding You Hostage?

Transcript

What’s Holding You Hostage? · The No Cry Zone

• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Makes me hope you stay.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Question What's holding you hostage?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Jim Best here.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: We are in the no cry zone for a more precise take on living.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to start by reminding you of the importance of being a net positive and giving you a simple question that will improve your interaction and relationship with most people.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them sincerely, what are you excited about lately?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then be ready to listen.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what's great about that question.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It gets people to look beyond today's troubles or tedium and encourages them to think of the good that is to come.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's good for everybody.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, in order to s ask that question sincerely, we've got to be the type of person to be trusted with sincerity.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a great responsibility for each of us to have.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's what I'm excited about.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today's intro song is What Is It About You?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's by Brazen Candor, and it is from their newest, just dropped album, Wait What?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a spectacular selection of songs.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Please check it out.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: People keep asking me which song is your favorite?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It depends.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It kicks off with Cottonwood, then slides into the hypnotic Wednesday.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's got all the recent classics earlier that week, all in all, Highways and Byways, partial to, and a super fun, anybody seen the landlord.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I will say I love Top of My Torture Line.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is just a funny and well done song.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Some people really like the chorus part of Sunset Suites.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, Can I Lose You Once More, Please?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I never get tired of that one.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, if you like music, you should get, wait, what?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: 15 songs.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and it ends with a monster rock and roll song called Dap Me Back Up.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I love the chorus.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You love me so good, but treat me so bad.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're the worst habit that I ever had.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I think I finally had enough, you come back strong and dap me back up.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my review.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm biased, but honest and generally harmless.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And put that question into play.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: What are you most excited about lately?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, today I want you to think about the things that are holding you hostage.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there are some.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're not in the basement.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's no tape over your mouth, thankfully.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody has a gun.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's no ransom note.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: This hostage situation is much quieter than that.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly why it can last for years.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're held hostage by things that have absolutely no physical power over us, such as an expectation, a relationship, something that happened ten years ago, something we're afraid might happen tomorrow, someone else's opinion, or your own potential.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now that last one is particularly interesting.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can be held hostage by the version of yourself that nearly showed up.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: The person who was going to start Monday.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: The person who was going to make the call.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Change careers, get in shape, end that relationship, repair that relationship, take the trip, start the business.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: But something wasn't quite right.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was the timing, the money, the circumstances, the confidence.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So that person remains just over the horizon.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Potential is a polite kidnapper.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: It never raises its voice.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't threaten you.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: It just keeps the real you in the next room slightly out of reach until you think you're ready.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow you're never quite ready.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can also be held hostage by other people's potential.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: That may be even more dangerous.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: You stay because they could change.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they promise they're going to change.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You wait because they might finally understand.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You keep investing because occasionally you get another glimpse of the person you've been waiting for.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're waiting for the representative instead of dealing with the person standing right in front of you.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And there is an important distinction here.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hope can be useful.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about this before.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: But hope is not evidence.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can care about somebody, you can wish them well, you can believe they are capable of becoming something more, but you don't have to put your own life in escrow while you wait.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love that exists primarily in the future is a strange and often futile arrangement.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You've essentially given yourself an unpaid internship in someone else's personal development department.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And you're waiting.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's the past holding you hostage.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can be held hostage by a story that already happened.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Something somebody did to you, something you did, a failure, a betrayal, a humiliation, a terrible decision.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes one old wound gets a louder microphone than the entire present.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your life may have changed enormously.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may have changed enormously.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: The people around you may have changed.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: The circumstances may no longer even exist.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But you keep answering a question nobody is asking anymore.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you're a hostage.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's another hostage situation that I think is increasingly common.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Being held hostage by the need to be understood.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You start editing the sentence before it even leaves your mouth.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: How will this sound?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Will they misunderstand me?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Will somebody be offended?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Does it conflict with something I might have said before?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Will they think less of me?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Could this be used against me somehow?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you become so skilled at editing yourself that nobody actually knows what you're gonna say next, and nobody actually gets to meet you.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Visibility has a price.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you say what you think, somebody may disagree.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you make something, somebody may criticize it.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you take a position, somebody may dislike it.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you live differently, somebody may question it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's the visibility tax.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about that last week in a no-cry zone.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the problem again.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Paying that tax in advance with silence is still paying it.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: You just don't get any of the benefits.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's no possible good that really comes from it.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's only the possibility of damage that you're preventing.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, we can be held hostage by comfort dressed up as strategy.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: This one is sneaky because it sounds smart.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm waiting for the right conditions.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: I want to think about it some more.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just being prudent.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'll know when the time is right.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just you wait and see.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes those things are pretty much true, and sometimes it's fear with a calendar wasting your time.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to do.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Don't romanticize this, don't overthink it, don't overcomplicate it, don't turn it into a psychological excavation, don't explain it and don't defend it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely don't write a 14-page autobiography about why it happened, blaming close relatives and former friends.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just name it.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're walking while you're listening to this, say it out loud.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I am hostage to blank.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Complete the sentence.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Make it true for your authentic self.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: What are you hostage to?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It may be a lot of things that you're hostage to right now.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know I could list at least five or six things that sometimes I let myself feel hostage to.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: But focus on the big one.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to what somebody thinks of me.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to something that happened five years ago.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to somebody else's potential.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to the person I keep promising I'm going to become.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to an old mistake I made.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to being comfortable.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's a useful test.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't finish that sentence without immediately adding a paragraph of justification, you may have found your hostage situation too much explaining.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just name what is holding you hostage.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because once something has a name, it becomes much harder for it to hide.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is Jim Best in the no-cry zone for a sharper take on life.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna take a short break.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: When we come back, we're gonna do something about what we're being held hostage to.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, Brazen Candor wants to find out what is it about you?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: What is it about?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: What is it about?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: All right, are you ready?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: This part of the podcast is called Take the Keys.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's find out why.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: First, remember that question.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are you excited about lately?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Great question.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, back to work.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Before the break, I ask you to complete one sentence.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to blank.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now comes the uncomfortable part.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't squirm.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you earn your sustainable progress.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: No free cupcakes.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: A hostage who discovers the door is unlocked and continues sitting there isn't really a hostage anymore.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's a tenant.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's an important distinction.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are things that happen to us that we generally do not control.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: There are circumstances we didn't choose, there are injuries we didn't invite, there are people who behave badly, there are losses we cannot reverse.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Ownership does not mean pretending those things didn't happen.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ownership means deciding who gets the keys now.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes without realizing it, we keep handing the keys back.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: So let's take the keys.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not metaphorically someday today, now.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the first move probably isn't going to be dramatic.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's probably going to be ugly and small, but effective.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do the thing the hostage version of you has been postponing.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Make the call, send the email, take the walk, open a document, have the conversation, cancel the thing, schedule the thing, say no, say yes, but do something before your motivation fades.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the traps we fall into is believing that motivation must precede action.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I feel confident.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I'm ready.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do it when I'm less afraid.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But feelings often follow action more reliably than action follows feelings.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: So do those things, the small things, whatever it was you're holding back from doing.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes confidence doesn't open a door.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes opening the door creates confidence.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, stop being the unpaid warden of somebody else's potential.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean abandoning people.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean becoming cold or heartless or cruel.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean you stop caring.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can encourage them, you can support them, you can cheer from the stands, but you don't have to sit in the cell with them waiting for their character change.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Their development is their responsibility.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yours is yours.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stop waiting for other people.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Third, put a date on your old story.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean that quite literally.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not someday I'll get over it, not eventually I'll move on.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Pick a date in the near future.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not next year.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's September 15th.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's October 1st.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's September 30th, which many of you know is maximum momentum day.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's next Tuesday.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever makes the most sense.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: However, have a sense of urgency.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: The event doesn't disappear on that date.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not pretending it never happened.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're changing its job.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Before that date, maybe it was pain.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was anger, maybe it was unfinished business.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: After that day it is allowed to be information now.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is not allowed to be your identity.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's a significant difference, isn't it?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Something that happened to you can teach you without continuing to define you.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Something that happened to you can inform you without holding you hostage forever.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, say one unedited sentence.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not the entire speech you've been rehearsing for six years.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's ready for that yet.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just one sentence.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Say it to somebody capable of hearing it.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Say it to someone who's interested.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the sentence is I don't want to do this anymore.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it just doesn't work for me.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's I've changed my mind.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: It could be I need something different.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I disagree, I want this, I don't want that.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: But say something that is genuinely you.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Practice paying the visibility tax and small bills.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to become fearless.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to become slightly less willing to let fear make your decisions.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something else that's really important.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: After you start taking effective action, you may still feel the old pull.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: The doubt may come back.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: The old story may start talking again.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: You may suddenly want to return to what was familiar, and somebody wants you back as a hostage.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't mistake that feeling for evidence that you made the wrong decision.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: You've made the right decision.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's just muscle memory recalling the chain.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Walk away anyway.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: And since I'm recording this outside, there's something appropriate about ending here.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: The park doesn't care about your narrative.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: The trees aren't interested in your explanation.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: The air doesn't negotiate.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: The path doesn't ask whether you're completely ready.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: The path keeps going, and maybe that's why getting outside can sometimes help us see these things more clearly.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Life doesn't require the perfect explanation, only we sometimes think it does.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: What life requires is participation, and it should be full participation.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the no cry zone assignment for you.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now finish a second sentence, the first one.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hostage to blank.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then today I take the keys by blank.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Name an action.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Make the second blank something you can actually do.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not someday, not when you're ready.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Today.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a considerable difference between being trapped and remaining somewhere after you discover the door is unlocked.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Take the keys and get out there.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like the drive to Cottonwood on the album from Brazen Candor.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: The traffic's scary good.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, feedback is the breakfast of champions.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let us know how you're doing and let us know how we're doing.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is Jim Best.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can reach me at media at upwardsbest dot com.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the No Cry Zone for a more precise take on life.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have a fantastic week.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I hear there are plenty more available.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Take as many as you'd like on your way out.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: See you next week.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: What is it about?