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#HURDLEMOMENT: My Experience With Depression · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: If you can have faith that there are good things
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  Speaker 1: ahead of you, no matter how dark it may be
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  Speaker 1: in the moment, then that that is where your power lies.
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  Speaker 1: Right Hey, everybody, Emily and body here, you are listening
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  Speaker 1: to Hurdle, a wellness focused podcast where I connect with
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  Speaker 1: everyone from your favorite athletes to top experts and industry
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  Speaker 1: CEOs about their highest highs, toughest moments, and everything in between.
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  Speaker 1: We all go through hurdles in life, and my goal
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  Speaker 1: through these discussions is to empower you to better navigate
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  Speaker 1: yours and move with intention so that you can stride
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  Speaker 1: towards your own big potential and of course have some
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  Speaker 1: fun along the way.
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  Speaker 2: Today I.
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  Speaker 1: Am talking about something that I have been keeping close
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  Speaker 1: to the vest, so to speak, for a really long
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  Speaker 1: time now, I guess to be a little bit more
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  Speaker 1: specific since February of this year, and that is my
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  Speaker 1: journey navigating anxiety and depression. I knew that I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: going to record on this or talk about this until
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  Speaker 1: I truly felt ready and good.
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  Speaker 2: I say it all the time on the show.
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  Speaker 1: It's something that Ash Wilking said to me when we
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  Speaker 1: sat down a few years back, and it's that you
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  Speaker 1: have to be careful that the sword you use to
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  Speaker 1: help others isn't the one that you fall on. And
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  Speaker 1: for me, I can truly say that now I have
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  Speaker 1: come so far in my journey, and I have such
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  Speaker 1: a deep and beautiful understanding of where I'm at, where
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  Speaker 1: I was, the lessons that I've learned from this chapter
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  Speaker 1: in my life, and so much more, and I feel
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  Speaker 1: truly at peace and comfortable to speak on it. I
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  Speaker 1: also feel very purposeful and speaking on it right now.
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  Speaker 1: This episode originally coming out Thanksgiving week, and it's a
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  Speaker 1: time of year where we slow down and reflect a
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: bit and think about everything that's happened. And I am so,
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  Speaker 1: so so thankful to be here having this conversation, thinking
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  Speaker 1: about how far I've come and how grateful I am
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  Speaker 1: to be out on the other side of what was
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  Speaker 1: a really difficult hurdle for me.
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  Speaker 2: I'm happy to report.
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  Speaker 1: That these days, I do, genuinely, for the most part,
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  Speaker 1: feel very very happy and very lucky, and I want
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: you to know that I am truly good.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so good.
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  Speaker 1: I feel supported and loved and so sure that I
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  Speaker 1: have the most wonderful people in my life, and I
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  Speaker 1: feel bright and that feels good. I also want to
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  Speaker 1: reiterate that I am not a licensed expert to help
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  Speaker 1: anyone else with their mental health journey.
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  Speaker 2: So with that said, although.
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  Speaker 1: I can speak on my own experience, if you or
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  Speaker 1: someone you know is struggling, I highly encourage you to
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  Speaker 1: speak with a licensed therapist or psychiatrist and know that
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  Speaker 1: there are other resources which I will list in the
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  Speaker 1: show notes, including a few different national helplines. And the
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  Speaker 1: last thing that I do want to say before I
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  Speaker 1: get into today's episode is that I am so grateful
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  Speaker 1: to everyone and every single person who has supported me
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  Speaker 1: during this chapter. I know that there are going to
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  Speaker 1: be people that listen to this that are in my
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  Speaker 1: life and that I care about that maybe I haven't
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  Speaker 1: opened up to entirely about this chapter. And then also
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  Speaker 1: I am opening up about this for strangers to hear
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  Speaker 1: as well. And I'm doing this truly because I believe
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  Speaker 1: that there were people that helped me along the way
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  Speaker 1: that we're vocal about their journey, that helped me get
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  Speaker 1: over this hurdle, and I.
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  Speaker 2: Want to do the same for others.
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  Speaker 1: Know that if we are close irl and we haven't
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  Speaker 1: spoken about this, it has nothing to do with you
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  Speaker 1: and everything to do with me, and that's it.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, here goes nothing with that.
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  Speaker 3: Let's get to it, Let's get to hurdling.
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  Speaker 1: It was Monday, January thirty first, the first time that
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  Speaker 1: I wondered if maybe I was depressed. I had just
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  Speaker 1: finished up my workday and I was looking forward to
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: quote unquote meeting up with friends to take a Peloton class.
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  Speaker 1: And something happened with the system and there was a
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  Speaker 1: glitch and I couldn't log in. I remember feeling really
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  Speaker 1: frustrated a little more than the situation should warrant, and
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  Speaker 1: I made the decision to cook myself a nice dinner
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  Speaker 1: instead of working out, which sounded great at the moment.
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  Speaker 1: I went over to my cat minute to get a
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  Speaker 1: pan out of the bottom area, and when I pulled
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  Speaker 1: out the pan that I wanted to use, it triggered
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  Speaker 1: an avalanche of all of the pans in the cabinet,
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  Speaker 1: and as they all clamored and fell onto the floor
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  Speaker 1: around my feet, I fell on the floor too, and
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  Speaker 1: I sat there beside myself, crying, overwhelmed, overwhelmed with so
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  Speaker 1: many feelings that I can barely articulate right now. I
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  Speaker 1: felt alone and frustrated and angry and so many things,
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  Speaker 1: And in this moment, I knew that.
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  Speaker 2: Something was off.
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  Speaker 1: Now to premise what I had been navigating up until
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  Speaker 1: this point, I would for maybe six weeks to two
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  Speaker 1: months by the beginning of February, I had been feeling off.
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  Speaker 1: I had been feeling stuck. I was sitting at my
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  Speaker 1: computer during the workday and nothing was happening, and I
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  Speaker 1: would feel as though hours and hours would go by,
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  Speaker 1: and I'd ask myself, where did the time go. I
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  Speaker 1: felt incapable of doing the things that I was once
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  Speaker 1: thriving at doing small tasks, felt absolutely like I was
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  Speaker 1: gearing up to climb everest. And I keep going back
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  Speaker 1: to the words stuck because I recall that earlier that day,
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  Speaker 1: I had been watching a video on social media and
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  Speaker 1: someone who was speaking on the topic of anxiety and depression.
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  Speaker 1: She said that for her, when it came to identifying
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  Speaker 1: her symptoms, the word that she kept coming back to
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  Speaker 1: was that it was.
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  Speaker 2: That she felt stuck.
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  Speaker 1: At this time in my life, I had worked with
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  Speaker 1: a therapist, in fact, a couple of different therapists. I
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  Speaker 1: had recently started working with a life coach, and I
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  Speaker 1: feel as though I had a good grasp on a
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  Speaker 1: routine that typically in lives prior it felt like, helped
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  Speaker 1: me come back to come and navigate what was often
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  Speaker 1: unpredictable days, a busy schedule, traveling, and all the feelings
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  Speaker 1: that go hand in hand with being a woman in
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  Speaker 1: your mid thirties. And so back to that evening, I
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  Speaker 1: get up off the floor and I text one of
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  Speaker 1: my dearest friends who happens to also be a doctor,
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  Speaker 1: and I asked her to give me a call when
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  Speaker 1: she had some time. She this never happens, this is
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  Speaker 1: one of those like this happens for you in retrospect moments.
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  Speaker 1: But she called almost right away, and I said to
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  Speaker 1: her when she picked up the phone, I said, I
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  Speaker 1: need to talk to you as both my best friend
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  Speaker 1: and a doctor.
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  Speaker 2: And she listened and.
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  Speaker 1: I told her how I had been feeling and what
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  Speaker 1: was going on, and how for the first time in
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  Speaker 1: my life, I was wondering if this was something bigger
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  Speaker 1: than me, if this was something that maybe I had
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  Speaker 1: never navigated before. And trust me, I have been in
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  Speaker 1: situations that have felt emotionally challenging, ranging from your oh
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: so typical breakup to losing my job. But Never has
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  Speaker 1: it felt so completely out of my control. Never have
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  Speaker 1: I ever been able to not implement habit or speak
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  Speaker 1: to someone and notice a measurable shift. And after speaking
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  Speaker 1: to her, I asked her, I said, do you think
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  Speaker 1: that maybe it's time I look into going on medication?
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  Speaker 1: And she said, as your best friend, I hate to
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  Speaker 1: hear that you feel this way, and it's also completely
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  Speaker 1: understandable that you feel how you feel.
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  Speaker 2: She totally totally validated my feelings.
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  Speaker 1: She said, as a doctor, if you were my patient,
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  Speaker 1: I would probably ask you some more questions. And since
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  Speaker 1: I'm not your doctor, what I would recommend to you
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  Speaker 1: is that maybe for the next two weeks you do
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  Speaker 1: the things that you know you have in your toolbox, right,
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  Speaker 1: you commit some time to actively trying to get out
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  Speaker 1: of this funk as we've described it, not trying to
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  Speaker 1: downplay your feelings, but just saying, like, let's give this
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  Speaker 1: one more go before you make the decision to lean
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  Speaker 1: into medication. And should that be an avenue that you
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  Speaker 1: want to pursue. I'm here to answer whatever questions you
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  Speaker 1: might have. And since she doesn't live in New York State,
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  Speaker 1: I would have to then seek out a physician who
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  Speaker 1: would be able to sit down with me and then
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  Speaker 1: prescribe me said medication. Now, for those of you who
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  Speaker 1: may not be familiar with treatment for anxiety and depression,
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  Speaker 1: there are a few different avenues that you can go
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  Speaker 1: down for treatment, including talk therapy, psychotherapy, and then of
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  Speaker 1: course medications. There are a lot of different types of antidepressants,
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  Speaker 1: and I decided to look into an SSRII, which stands
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  Speaker 1: for a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Generally speaking, as ex me,
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  Speaker 1: these can be safer and cause fewer side effects. And
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  Speaker 1: I'll say this, like after that night, that night was
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  Speaker 1: It's like an inflection point for me. Right, It's a
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  Speaker 1: moment that I think back on and it feels so
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  Speaker 1: like it was just yesterday. But I did notice that
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  Speaker 1: opening up about how I was feeling was a really
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  Speaker 1: big help. But as the days went on, a couple
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  Speaker 1: weeks down the road, I realized that I was still stuck.
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  Speaker 1: I was still sitting and staring at my computer. I
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  Speaker 1: still felt unproductive, I still felt as though I wasn't capable.
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  Speaker 1: I felt a lack of hope. And I, notably, despite
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  Speaker 1: implementing and being really strict on the habits that otherwise
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  Speaker 1: are used to make me feel really good in my body.
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  Speaker 2: It just it wasn't the same.
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  Speaker 1: I went out on a Thursday in mid February and
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  Speaker 1: drank a bottle of wine with friends, and I woke
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  Speaker 1: up the next morning feeling really foggy. But bigger than that,
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  Speaker 1: I woke up feeling beside myself and so alone and
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  Speaker 1: not in a good place. And I knew in that
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  Speaker 1: moment that something needed to change. And I typically go
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: for a walk with a friend of mine on Friday
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  Speaker 1: mornings who lives in the neighborhood. I texted her and
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I said I need to meet earlier. And we met earlier,
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  Speaker 1: and I remember distinctly like walking down Fourth I think
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  Speaker 1: it's Fourth Avenue, and she was walking up Fourth Avenue
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  Speaker 1: and when I got to her, I just melted into
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  Speaker 1: her arms like sobbing. And this was not all that
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: long after Omercron was really wild in New York, and
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  Speaker 1: so I was wearing a mask, and I remember she
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: said to me, take off the mask so you can breathe.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: And I just stood there, sobbing and trying to come
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: up with words to articulate how I felt. And we
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  Speaker 1: started to walk and I think We walked for three
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: or four miles before we sat down and we had breakfast,
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: and I looked at her and I just knew in
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  Speaker 1: that moment that I needed to make a change and
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  Speaker 1: I needed to figure this out. And so that day
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  Speaker 1: I made a doctor's appointment that was two weeks out
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: because I couldn't find one before then, and I, at
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: least in that moment, knew that I had an avenue
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: that I could pursue to hopefully talk to someone to
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  Speaker 1: get the help that I needed. The day of the
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  Speaker 1: doctor's appointment arrives, and that morning I get a call
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  Speaker 1: that the doctor had to call out that the next
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: available appointment wasn't for three more weeks. And if you
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: had seen me in that moment, I was beside myself,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: frustrated about my lack of access, frustrated about how much
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: this was going to cost me to try to see
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: someone at my wits end, knowing that and this is
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: something that I'll get into shortly. But if I was
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  Speaker 1: to get on medication literally that day, SSRIs take a
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: moment to start working to build up in your system.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: So even if I had gone to the doctor that day,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: God prescription filled the prescription it could be between two weeks,
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  Speaker 1: and gosh, for some people it can take as much
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: as two months to truly feel relief, right, And so
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: I'm crying and texting my life coach, and she says
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: to me, bless her, how can you think about if
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  Speaker 1: this is working for you right now? And I said,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: I was like, I know where you're going with this,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: and I hear you, but right now, I just need
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  Speaker 1: to feel truly sad in this moment, because I am
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: so frustrated. In that moment, I remembered that a friend
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  Speaker 1: of mine told me she got her prescription when she
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: had her own similar hurdle moment of sorts, navigating her
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: mental health through one medical and it was during the pandemic,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: and that was when you couldn't go in person to
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: see a physician, I believe, And so she did it
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: in a virtual online on the phone consultation. And so
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I said, effet, if I can throw two hundred dollars,
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  Speaker 1: I'm very lucky that I had this capability throw two
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: hundred dollars at this and join one medical and get
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: a same day doctor's appointment, which wasn't available to me otherwise,
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  Speaker 1: and get this prescription that I'm all in, and so
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  Speaker 1: that's what I did. I joined one medical I got
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  Speaker 1: an appointment later that day with a nurse practitioner, and
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I sat down in her office and I just sobbed,
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  Speaker 1: and I was so frustrated and tired of having to
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  Speaker 1: chase my tail around my legs to get help for
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: this thing. And how broken is our system that I
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't find someone who could
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  Speaker 1: help me.
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  Speaker 2: Get the help that I needed.
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  Speaker 1: And that is as someone who, like I, despite the
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: hurdles that I faced, like feel privileged with my access
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: to care anyway, anyway, I mean, that's a whole other conversation.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: But I left that day and had a prescription and
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: filled my prescription. And I don't necessarily feel like it's
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: important for me to tell you what I ultimately went on,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: and I won't talk about the dosage that I went on,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: but what I will I'll say is that within two
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: weeks I felt different, and the words that came back
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: into my vocabulary were capable and hopeful, And instead of
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: sitting on the kitchen floor crying tears that I felt
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: like I had no control over, I felt, for the
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: first time in so long, like truly present in my
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: body and joyous and capable and hopeful and good and relieved.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: And it kills me when I think I that word relief, right.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I spoke with Kelsey Plumb a week or two ago
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: on the show. She's a WNBA player, and she talks
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: about how during the what should have been I hate
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: the words should, but what should have been by popular standards,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: the most joyous time in her life the first n
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: WNBA draft pick twenty seventeen. She was in the darkest
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: place and no one around her new and that it
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: took her years through therapy and different medications until she
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: finally found relief. And so I feel truly blessed, like
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: truly absolutely blessed that for me, in a time that
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: felt so difficult, that I was able to have access
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: to something that could help me feel better in my
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: body in a shorter amount of time. With that said,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: everyone is different, and this is the journey that felt
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: right for me.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: A note on side effects.
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  Speaker 1: Just with any medication, of course, there's room for something
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: to happen as a byproduct. For me, I gained a
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: little bit of weight, I would say, between like eight
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: and ten pounds and that was definitely it. It was
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: challenging for me, as someone who has a history of
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: weight loss, navigating how that made me feel. But ultimately
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I knew that I felt better mentally, so much better
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: than I had before, and I would gain those eight
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: to ten pounds all over again if it meant that
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I could find that relief. Of course, this was just
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: my situation I as I mentioned, no other people on
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: medication for depression that did not experience weight gain or
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: other side effects. It's so interesting for me reflecting back
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: on it, because I think about some of the things
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: that happened in December and January leading up to this
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: big hurdle moment for me. I similar to some of
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: the years when I felt truly unhappy in my body
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: in early college and high school. I don't have a
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: lot of memories from December twenty one in January twenty two.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: There are parts of that period of time that I
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: have totally blacked out, and things that I have said
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: and things that I did that I struggle with that,
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: but what I know is that I did the best
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I could at the time with what I had. I
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: also think about that time and my experience, knowing that
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: my personality was that I didn't want to burden the
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: people that cared about me with these feelings. But when
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I say that now and I think back to that
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: period of time, the reality is is that I know
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: that the people that care about me would have wanted
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: to know, because they would have wanted to help me.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: I think I have so much much pride in being
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  Speaker 1: this woman, single in my mid thirties, an entrepreneur, doing
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: this thing, trying to just like thrive to the best
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: of my ability, that I never want to.
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  Speaker 2: Show like a weakness, right.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: But I know now, and I've known for so long,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: that there is so much grace to be had, and
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: that vulnerability is relatable. It's part of the reason why
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you this story, why I'm opening up here.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: Perfection is not relatable, period, And I knew in telling
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: this story that I wanted to make sure that I
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: was offering concrete, actionable takeaways to whoever's listening to this,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: and hopefully that those takeaways from my journey can help
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: you on yours. So the first thing I'll say, the
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: first lesson is that I know we say this all
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: the time, but you really have absolutely no f.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: And clue what someone is going through on their own time.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: It could literally even be your closest friend who is
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: struggling in some capacity at this point. Genuinely, like even
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: some of my closest friends, and for sure like maybe
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: my extended family. You know, they don't know to the
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: extent that I've just described what I went through, and
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: I want to make sure that I reiterate that again
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: that had nothing to do with you, and everything that
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: had to do with me and how I needed to
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: navigate that situation at the time. I also say the
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: you don't know what someone's going through tidbit because I
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: hope that that encourages everyone and anyone to approach all
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: situations with grace. You never know who was sitting on
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: their kitchen counter the night before with their head in
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: their hands, just trying to cope and get to the
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: next breath the next day, the next to do right.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: And so yeah, that grace is it's really important. Like
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: I said, the second takeaway really is that if you
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: decide that going on a medication might be right for you,
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: know that it will take time to kick in. And
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: that was something that was really difficult for me as
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: I had to navigate all these different doctor's appointments, because
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: all I wanted so badly was that relief that I
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: knew was already so far away.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: So have some.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: Patience and perhaps find other strategies. Make sure you have
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: people to talk to to discuss how you're feeling as
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: perhaps that kicks in. And also let it be known
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: that like medication may be something that you think will
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: work for you, and then and it's just not the
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: right fit. You might not like how you feel on it.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: There are so many different things that can happen. My
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: third takeaway, and these kind of go together, is that
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: you would probably be very surprised if you knew how
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: many people around you are taking something to navigate anxiety
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: and depression. I so many people, so many people, And
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: it wasn't until I vocalized what I was going through
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: that people in my life that I have extremely open
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: and beautiful relationships with mentioned that they too were on
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: something and I just didn't know. And to talk to
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: those people and hear their experiences with being on an
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: SSRI and the good and for a few the bad
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: and things to be cognizant of it was so helpful.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: It was so helpful, the things that I didn't know
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: beforehand about it taking time to kick in, or that
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: when you start, you're probably going to want to go
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: up in dosage, but you have to start at one
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: place and then communicate with your physician before they can
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: up you to that next level. These were things I
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: would have had no clue about, hadn't I found someone
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: to speak to about this. Anxiety and depression does not discriminate.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: So just because someone looks like they have it all together,
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: perhaps on your social media, that means absolutely nothing because
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: maybe they too now have the tools that I've expressed
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: that have been helpful for me, like medication and a
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: therapist and a life coach, and a regular wellness routine
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: and a regular fitness routine.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: Maybe they have done all of this.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Work so they can show up as a better, happier
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: version of themselves, which empowers them to be there for you.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: And you, again, had no idea that this legwork even happened.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: You know, I've had so much empathy for everyone that
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: has given me their time and come on the show
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: and talk to me about their experience navigating anxiety and depression.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: But it wasn't until I went through this hurdle moment
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: on my own that I really understood, and we hear
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: that saying you know frequently, right, It's like I might
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: not understand, but I stand, And it kills me that
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: there is such a stigma about asking for help, help
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: that can make you enjoy your life, because we all
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: deserve that, we deserve the joy I mentioned earlier when
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: my life coach asked me if I could think about
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: the doctor canceling on me as something that maybe was
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: happening for me, and in that moment, it was completely
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: impossible for me to think that way because I was
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: just so beside myself. But in retrospect, I felt really
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: grateful that it happened because I ended up seeing a
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: great expert, a great nurse practitioner at one medical who,
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: as I mentioned, I had to follow up with multiple times,
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: and she had a care and concern for me that
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I am convinced the woman at the walk in clinic
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: just would not have had. And that I think is
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: the biggest through line of all of this for me
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: now when I look back on the last year almost
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: of navigating this is that it did happen for me,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: and just like every hurdle moment, it is so hard
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to see the bright side to look for the sun
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: when you feel like the curtains are drawn and you're
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: sitting in the dark. But the reality is is that
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: if you can have faith that there are good things
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: ahead of you, no matter how dark it may be
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: in the moment, then that that is where your power lies.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Right no matter how lost, stuck, hopeless, not capable, I felt.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: I always trusted that I would find a way out.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I really really did, and I had to come to
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: terms with and be okay with the fact that it
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: wouldn't happen in a snap of my fingers.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: Right, it wouldn't.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: But if I had patience and I did the best
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: I could to surround myself with people that truly cared
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: about me, like truly cared about me.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: I I remember.
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: When things started to get better and I was coming
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: out of a fog, the friends that knew truly like
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: what was going on with me at my core when
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: they check on me as a single thirty four year
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: old woman, I'm like sitting here shaking my head because
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: it felt I felt so blessed, like so truly fortunate
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: to have people in my life that wanted so much
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: good for me, And how dare I ever think that
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: my feelings to those people would ever be a burden.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: You will never be a burden to people who genuinely
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: care about you. And anyone who ever makes you feel
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: that way, anyone who ever makes you feel othered, They're
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: not your person. Now. Of course, I say that with
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: a caveat that things happen, and apologies can happen too,
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: But know that on a regular basis, you deserve to
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: feel loved, You deserve to feel joy.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I can't say that enough.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: And you truly truly have so much value and worth,
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: no matter what that little voice in your head is
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: saying otherwise. I do want to also make sure that
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I note that in my experience, I'd never had any
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: sort of suicidal thoughts. But of course I mentioned Kelsey Plum.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: She speaks on navigating those other people I've had on
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: the show. I know Alex silver Fagan talks so beautifully
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: and openly about her mental health struggles as well. I
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: also can't forget Alexi Papas. I mean, these are just
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: some of the great conversations I've had that touch on
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: a lot of the themes and the things that I've
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: spoken about throughout this episode. Regardless of what symptoms or
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: your experience may be, know that you are not alone
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: in how you feel, and that there is light at
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: the end of the tunnel. Again, I'm including in the
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: show notes some resources if this really rings true for you,
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I'm happy to do that. And I hope man that
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: my story helps someone else, and I hope that my
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: story encourages you to be kind, and I hope that
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: you know. It's so crazy as I sit here and
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: think about the different types of people that could be
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: listening to this right now, and I thought that I'd
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: feel a little anxious about it, but mostly I just
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: feel at peace. I'm better for what I went through,
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: and I'm better for knowing what I know now. To
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: wrap up maybe some loose ends. Like I said in
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: the intro, I truly just feel I feel like a
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: light inside of me these days, and I feel confident
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: and happy and like I'm back to feeling good in
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: my body. While I'm still at this point taking medication
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: for this, I have had conversations about eventually weaning off
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: of the medication and seeing how that feels. Now that
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: I do genuinely just feel a lot more homeostasis in
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: my life. It's something I'm interested in, but not something
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: i'm necessarily running to, so I'll do the best I
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: can with what i have. I'll keep using the tools
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: in my toolbox, and I just want to say thank
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: you for the space, for listening and for encouraging me,
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: even maybe without knowing, during some really difficult days, I'm
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: better because of you. And I mean that another hurdle conquered.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Catch you guys next time.