Latest / Privycast / Ep. 66 Making Brown on the Back 9 (Golfing and Bathrooms)

Transcript

Ep. 66 Making Brown on the Back 9 (Golfing and Bathrooms) · Privycast

0:00
>> Speaker A: Don't get poison oak on your ding dong.
0:03
Like, you don't want that.
0:05
That's zero out of ten bad time.
0:08
I haven't had it. Thank God.
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But I'm speaking from,
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like, anytime anything
0:16
interacts with your nethers, it's always
0:19
bad.
0:23
Welcome back to privy Rivy is a
0:25
podcast about bathrooms
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recorded in my home bathroom.
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I'm your host, hunter Hoover. I love
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bathrooms, and, uh, I'm finding
0:36
that I've spent a lot of time in them
0:39
recently. I have a couple of, um,
0:43
bathroom updates at the top of the show here. I'll
0:46
get them out of the way, uh, in case you
0:48
don't listen to the show, to hear me talk about going to the
0:51
bathroom. And the first is
0:53
that Applebee's is
0:56
definitely a zone for
0:59
me know, people give
1:02
taco Bell a pretty rough shake.
1:04
Um, but it is not taco bell who is doing
1:07
me dirty. Uh, it is definitely
1:10
Applebee's.
1:13
A few weeks ago, I would say about a week and a half
1:16
ago, um, after young adults group, we like
1:19
to go out on the town and get a
1:21
snack and a bite to eat. And often the only
1:24
thing open, or the only thing worth
1:27
eating at that is still open, that is also
1:30
cost effective. Um, at the time, is
1:33
Applebee's. Um, we're not eating at Red Robin right now because
1:36
the red robin in our local neighborhood had the
1:39
yucky maggot boys. And so we're not going
1:42
there currently. And so
1:44
one of the things that's happening as a result,
1:48
one of the things that is happening as a result,
1:51
uh, is,
1:54
yeah, we're limited on where we are able to
1:57
eat comfortably. Uh, and so
2:00
we went out to Applebee's again, as
2:03
you want to do in
2:06
the city of Albany here. And,
2:08
uh, I didn't go crazy or
2:11
anything. I got a humble tray of
2:14
eight chicken wings and some waffle
2:16
fries. And it's not healthy by any
2:19
stretch of the imagination, but I didn't go
2:22
hog wild about it. And
2:25
later that night, I had a
2:28
quad flush deluxe four
2:30
flush job and was
2:33
sitting, uh, on ye oldie
2:36
recording throne for an hour
2:39
and 40 minutes. And I know you hear
2:42
that and you go like, yeah, right. I
2:44
stood up. The longest I stood up for was
2:47
maybe three minutes, during which time I washed
2:50
my hands and was deceived
2:53
into thinking I would be able to return
2:56
to bed to get some more slumber.
2:59
Uh, nay, verily,
3:02
I got absolutely roached and poached by my
3:05
own bowels. And it probably
3:07
has nothing to do with the pound and a half of
3:10
cheese that Applebee's put on top of my waffle
3:13
fries, but
3:17
Applebee's is doing me dirty. Also,
3:20
uh, there's these things called ghost
3:22
kitchens. Uh, essentially, from what I can tell
3:25
is companies who don't have the
3:28
stones to build a restaurant in an area
3:31
or are just fiscally responsible
3:34
not to, they will rent out kitchen
3:37
use of an already
3:39
established location, in this case,
3:42
Applebee's, and
3:45
they will make their wares out
3:48
of the Applebee's kitchen and sell them.
3:51
And so, um, I was out doing some
3:53
doordash, and this homie's order pops
3:56
up, and it's like, hey, y'all go on over to cosmic
3:59
wings. Now, here's the deal.
4:01
Albany's not that big. Albany, Oregon's not that big.
4:04
And I'm going, there is not a, uh, cosmic
4:07
wings here. And I drive on over to
4:11
Apple. Well, I punch in the thing, and it says,
4:13
hey, here's your navigation. And I'm looking, I'm like,
4:16
well, that's Applebee's. So I drive over there, and then it says in
4:19
the. You know, you pick these up at
4:22
Applebee's. This is where you do this. And, uh,
4:25
I go, uh. Ah, well, okay. And I go in,
4:27
and she hands me this small tray
4:30
of chicken wings, and I look down, and I'm like, oh,
4:33
this dude's about to have a rough night.
4:36
Because I sure did, because I ate the same thing,
4:39
and I got, like, super chaz deluxe on
4:41
this mess. So,
4:44
uh, if you're out there and you
4:46
had the tray of eight chicken wings from Applebee's
4:49
and it did, you foul. Let us
4:52
know. Privy cast. But right out of the gate
4:55
here, I want to share a brief hunter's
4:58
anecdotes, uh, to keep you afloat to
5:01
get us started.
5:11
This hunter's anecdotes is called
5:14
camp plunger out of proportion.
5:17
Uh, so a few weeks ago, about. Actually almost a
5:20
month ago now, I was, uh, helping out with a
5:22
kids summer church camp, and, uh, I
5:25
was asked to come out and speak. Had a great time.
5:28
And one of the things about camp, especially when it's
5:31
camp for little kids, is the food
5:34
is just phenomenal.
5:38
It's just comfort food and food that they
5:41
know that small children are going to eat without complaint
5:44
and without anxiety. So we're talking
5:46
pizza and chicken nuggets and pancakes,
5:49
like all of the things that I thrive on
5:52
as an adult man. And
5:55
so we're out there, and
5:57
camp food is really good. There's a lot of cheese involved,
6:00
and there's a lot of Mac and cheese in the mix.
6:03
Um, and one of the things that
6:06
this camp food does, especially to these kiddos,
6:09
is it kind of plugs them up, for lack of a
6:12
better saying it. Half these campers either are
6:14
constipated and the other half are, like, on
6:17
overdukey mode. And
6:20
the camp that we were at, uh, they had a
6:23
custodian guy, and I don't know if that was his official title.
6:26
I think it was, like, other duties as
6:28
assigned custodian. Because my
6:31
guy was out here, like, doing all sorts of weird od
6:34
jobs. But he
6:37
didn't necessarily come to this task
6:39
prepared because the report goes out
6:42
to him, hey, the girl's
6:45
camp bathroom is
6:48
plugged again. And you
6:51
can kind of see this guy rolls his eyes. He's like, oh, my
6:53
gosh, I am not believing this. Again.
6:58
He goes out there and he's talking
7:00
to me and a couple of other people
7:03
describing how this toilet is plugged. Now,
7:06
if you know me, uh, I'm all on
7:09
board for seeing a good clogged toilet. I'm all about
7:12
it.
7:15
It enthralls me. And so this guy gets ready to
7:18
take off on his little quad, like, four x
7:21
four little buggy. And I, like,
7:24
run up and hop in the buggy with him's like, I'm coming with you.
7:27
I've got ten, plus almost 15
7:29
years of janitorial experience.
7:32
You say this is like a, uh, level seven
7:35
clog. I'll be the judge. Do you know what I'm saying?
7:38
And so we're going out here, and
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before we do that, he's, like, standing right next to where
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all the people are, like, loading up food for
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their dinner, like, talking loudly about this
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clog. And it's like, this guy is a
7:53
champion. And so I involved
7:55
myself with the clog, and we go
7:58
into the girls camp bathroom. After
8:01
disclosing we were entering and shutting the
8:04
bathroom down to avoid bad
8:07
situation. And I go in,
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and here's the
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deal. The toilet was
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plugged, but it wasn't
8:18
that bad, my dude.
8:21
These little kids did clog this toilet,
8:24
and it was clogged like woofie,
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but it had mostly
8:29
clogged down the s bend somewhere. We're not talking,
8:32
like, a surface clog. We're talking, like, a
8:35
sub edge of the toilet bowl
8:37
clog. This is something that a basic
8:40
plunger is totally going to be able to
8:43
handle. But here's the trouble with the thing. I'm
8:46
standing there, and I go, well, homie, where's your plunger? And
8:49
my dude starts tearing through the closet in the bathroom.
8:52
He's going all over into all the other stalls.
8:54
Guy doesn't have a plunger,
8:57
like, rolled out on this plunge
9:00
job to unclog this girl's bathroom
9:03
toilet with no plunger. He
9:05
didn't bring his materials to class.
9:08
He's not prepared. And so we go back
9:11
down, he goes, well, I bet there's a plunger in the kitchen. And I'm sitting
9:14
here going, well, yeah, maybe, but
9:17
you're going to want a toilet plunger. And somehow
9:20
he procured a toilet plunger from the
9:22
kitchen. That's another story. I
9:25
don't understand why the toilet plunger was in the kitchen,
9:28
but maybe they just bought a plunger and said, this will
9:31
work for everything. But the
9:34
toilet wasn't that bad. And we go back, and he's like, him and
9:37
Han about getting how to do it,
9:40
and I'm like, guy, I just snagged the plunger. And I just
9:43
do what I do best.
9:47
Just getting that on that
9:49
toilet and just really busting up the clog,
9:52
and he's sitting there, like, trying to flush it while I'm doing it.
9:55
I was like, guy, you got to bust this nonsense up. Like, you got
9:58
to plunge it for a little bit to clear the
10:00
line before you start
10:03
hitting the flusher. Just. And
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so the toilet wasn't that bad. It took me, like, maybe
10:09
two minutes plunging and flushing to get this thing dealt
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with. But these little kids clogged the toilet
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so many times that week because there's too much
10:17
cheese and chicken nuggets, which normally I'd
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say isn't a possibility.
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But for just pure
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concern of this camp's plumbing, uh, we're going to
10:28
go ahead and say it was.
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We're going to dive right into our topic this week. It's
10:40
privy summer. And speaking,
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uh, of summer, it's in full swing.
10:46
It's hotter than a yak out here.
10:49
And speaking of, you know, what is
10:51
swinging in summer?
10:54
Golf clubs.
10:57
This week on the pod, we're talking about making
11:00
brown in the back nine. What's the
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history of bathrooms on the golf
11:05
course? What's the etiquette for taking a
11:07
deuce while hitting one off of the green
11:10
or the fairway? You can tell how many times
11:13
I've played golf. And we have a very
11:16
special installment of poo in the news to
11:19
round off the episode. But first, we got to talk about
11:22
bathrooms a little bit. That's why we're here. As with
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most outdoor summer activities,
11:29
golfers use the
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revered Porta potty many times.
11:34
So I got the astute pleasure of
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using a, uh, hymns and herms,
11:39
uh, porta potty situation at the Oregon coast. They
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had a blue and pink one, and though not marked for
11:45
his and hers, it was kind of implied. I did
11:48
use the one that would stereotypically be considered the
11:51
hers, and I will report it was full of
11:54
poop. So that's fun. And
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was in the exact same condition as
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the hymns toilet. So, like,
12:01
ladies, you're doing just
12:04
as awful stuff. That's all I'm saying about it.
12:07
But what's the history of bathrooms
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and the golf course? Like I said, most m
12:14
golfers today will use the revered Porta
12:16
potty if those amenities are found
12:19
on their golf course of choice.
12:21
However, this landscape and this
12:24
expectation of porta potties on the golf course,
12:27
things, uh, have changed. And we're
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going to take a brief look at the history of golf
12:33
before we dive into where these golfers
12:37
squat, their little golfers, you know what I'm saying?
12:40
In short, the earliest mentions of
12:43
golf are around the twelve hundreds in
12:45
the Netherlands. However,
12:48
this golfing air quotes golfing
12:51
didn't look like the golfing that
12:55
the homies are doing today. Uh, mostly
12:57
they were hitting with a ball
13:00
of varying
13:03
sizes. But all I would say, in the small category of
13:06
ball, they're hitting it with various
13:09
instruments, stick shaped and
13:11
otherwise, toward an agreed upon
13:14
goal. Now, if you've ever played,
13:17
like, rudimentary disc golf, where you
13:19
don't have the cages, but you're just like, oh, first to
13:22
hit the trunk of the tree wins. That was like golf back
13:25
then. Like, first person to hit it
13:28
through the door of the clubhouse wins.
13:32
They probably didn't have a clubhouse, but this was the
13:34
essential state of golf until the
13:37
Scottish came up with what looks
13:40
a lot like what we have as golf today.
13:43
The Scots took the golf c
13:46
o l f golf that the Dutch
13:49
were playing, and they made some minor tweaks to
13:52
it. And here's the interesting thing.
13:54
The early mentions of this golf, or
13:57
kolf, are of it being banned
14:00
or frowned upon in Scotland. So,
14:03
like, Scotland hijacks
14:06
golf from the Dutch, and then, like, shortly thereafter,
14:09
it gets banned in their country.
14:11
James II, he's the king. King
14:14
Jimmy prohibited the game, as it,
14:17
quote, distracted from the military
14:20
and archery practice. You've got these
14:23
military and archery people out there, and they're
14:26
supposed to be practicing, know, doing their
14:28
warm ups or doing their procedures and
14:31
their marksman training. And my dudes are bored and
14:34
they're smacking golf balls around like, you can't
14:37
blame. But yeah, King James was
14:40
like, you know what? No fun for you. Stop
14:43
it. Later, when Mary Queen of
14:46
Scots'husband was murdered, she
14:49
was criticized for playing golf when she,
14:52
quote, should have been mourning.
14:54
Golf was included on a list of banned
14:57
activities to do on the Sabbath in
15:00
Scotland. And within a hundred years,
15:03
they transitioned from this idea of
15:06
golf being this taboo and banned thing that
15:08
you do, apparently when your husband dies to cope with
15:11
it, to being the
15:14
almost national sport.
15:17
With golf tournaments
15:20
being hosted in the country, golf
15:23
became, uh, more widespread and became a national
15:26
competition by the 17 hundreds.
15:29
And there have been a lot of changes to the game. Uh,
15:32
most notably, wood clubs turned into metal
15:35
clubs, golf bags using animals
15:38
as carts, uh, prior to
15:41
electricity, and other powered
15:43
carts, originally, a lot
15:46
of the holes were eleven whole courses that you played
15:49
out and then back in reverse. They would have
15:52
almost two holes per two
15:55
courses per hole, I guess, is the way to think of
15:58
it. And then they combined
16:00
into short holes to form nine and later,
16:03
18, which is what they have to date.
16:05
But one development that followed
16:08
the development of the rest of the world was how you
16:11
went to the bathroom while playing golf.
16:14
For those who don't play golf, like me,
16:17
uh, I do play miniature golf.
16:21
I will smack some mini golf
16:24
right up and down. Um, I
16:27
love mini golf. I think mini golf is real
16:29
golf. And we should call
16:32
not mini golf big golf. So
16:35
for the rest of this, when I say golf, I'm going
16:38
to try to remind you that I mean big
16:41
golf. So for those who don't play
16:44
big golf, like me, you may be surprised here, the whole
16:46
game could take two to 4 hours to complete.
16:50
Hugh, that is a long,
16:54
just time to be playing
16:56
golf in general. In my opinion, maybe it's not.
17:00
And before we talk about what you do for
17:03
bathrooming during those two to 4
17:05
hours, back in the day, it looked a lot
17:08
like most pooping and peeing did at the time. You
17:11
went and hit the bush, you sprayed skeet
17:14
into the street and you put brown in
17:17
the bush like you dig a
17:20
cathole and let that joker fly. You're
17:23
in the woods. It's golf. We're not
17:26
talking about the prim and proper golf
17:28
fairways that we have today. No, this was
17:31
a different time. But again, the golf
17:34
course was less groomed and maintained and now things
17:37
are different. People are so hoity toity about their
17:40
golf grass. It's like, oh, don't chip it. Um,
17:43
so what do people do for the
17:45
bathroom? And what was the
17:48
progression from bushweed to where we are
17:51
today. Like, how did we go from
17:53
getting sully deep in the poison oak? Don't get
17:56
poison oak on your ding dong.
17:59
You don't want that. That's zero out of ten
18:02
bad time. I haven't had it,
18:05
thank God. But I'm speaking
18:08
from anytime anything
18:11
interacts with your nethers, it's always
18:14
bad. So, like, poison oak has
18:17
to be bad. That's the logic there. In case you didn't
18:20
understand, that's called privy splaining.
18:23
And, uh, uh, as you might guess,
18:26
there's not a lot of information
18:29
on this development in golf because most
18:31
people, when they're going out to play golf, they're not like giving
18:35
an insane amount of thought to like,
18:37
I wonder what the turd making situation on this
18:40
joker is going to be, huh? You know what, it'll be fine. I'll
18:43
just go. In the late 17 and early
18:46
18 hundreds, they did start to care about the holes being
18:49
dug and things being left behind. It's like, hey, cut
18:52
that out. And likely golf
18:54
managers would dig their privy pits on
18:57
site and at the beginning or end of the halfway
19:00
point of the chorus for your brown deposits. So
19:03
they would dig a, ah, centralized
19:05
cesspit for you to go and put an outhouse out there
19:08
for you to go like drop scoot in, really
19:11
plop one in the fairway, you know what I'm saying?
19:14
As time would progress, many courses would
19:17
stick to the standard chemical portable toilet.
19:20
The beautiful bloom juice, uh,
19:22
hopefully a little better kept than the ones at the state
19:25
fair and public park. I went to the Lynn county
19:28
fair. Um, not that many
19:30
porta potties. Uh, they actually had good bathroom
19:33
access. It was actually pretty impressive, but,
19:36
man. And then I went to the Oregon coast, like I said,
19:39
I used the hers Porta potty and it was in better shape than
19:42
the toilets at the coast. So, like,
19:45
step, um, know sometimes those porta potties are
19:48
good. Shout out to best pots for supplying the
19:51
hymns and herms. There's something
19:54
so poetic about
19:56
this sport that has kind of taking on
19:59
the Persona of the thing that rich guys
20:02
and gals play or
20:05
people do to get out of the house
20:08
for a while. And it's kind of like what I
20:11
would say, a high income sport.
20:15
It's something so poetic about those group of
20:18
people having to stack logs in the blue lake
20:21
of a portable toilet. Like, it does
20:24
your heart good. It makes you glad in your
20:26
soul. Yeah,
20:31
my homie's sitting on a small fortune of generational
20:34
wealth, but you have to take a deuce into
20:37
the blue lake just like everybody else, bud.
20:40
So it's the great equalizer.
20:43
Does your heart glad. Other
20:46
golf courses and, uh, clubs
20:49
would put in outdoor plumbing to the bathrooms,
20:52
uh, on the back nine. And as the golf clubhouse
20:55
became a thing, it, too, would house a bathroom amenity,
20:58
uh, of a standard shopping mall. Like, they're going to have
21:01
multiple bathrooms, that type thing. But others would
21:03
put, um. And so the history on the
21:06
golf course is just that. You used to use the
21:09
sticks, and
21:12
now there is at least one, but sometimes
21:15
two bathrooms located on the course. One
21:18
at the clubhouse at the beginning, and I guess,
21:21
also the end, and one on
21:24
the halfway point, the back nine.
21:27
But all of this history
21:29
doesn't tell us anything about what golf
21:32
etiquette says you should do to hit up
21:35
those amenities, because
21:37
you often don't go golfing by yourself.
21:42
Think of it like this. You're watching the big
21:45
game, the super bowl, and
21:51
Mr. Farv, I think, is one.
21:54
He throws a very long pass,
21:57
um, which for some reason is called a catholic
22:00
thing. He does a Hail Mary. Maybe he
22:03
sinned, I don't know. Um, but he
22:05
sins really hard and throws a pass very
22:08
far. And, um, right as my
22:11
dude's getting ready to catch it, he just makes the
22:14
tea with his hands. He's like, time out. I have to take a poop.
22:17
And he just runs in the locker room.
22:19
So when you're out golfing with your
22:22
buddies and you're in the golf
22:24
party, having to walk or ride
22:27
a cart, five to ten plus minutes.
22:30
Remember, you are way out there. If you're
22:32
walking, it could be a 20 to 30 minutes walk
22:35
back and then back from the
22:37
clubhouse. If you're driving maybe five to ten minutes,
22:40
and then you got to make the stop. You're looking at, like,
22:43
30 minutes to an hour of
22:46
delay. Big Tony has to get home to his
22:48
wife because, you know, she's
22:51
pissed that he's even out with the guys
22:54
again. Like, you're going golfing again on a
22:56
Saturday? We were supposed to go to
22:59
the market. I have heirloom
23:02
tomatoes I want to buy Tony.
23:05
And then Tony's bud. Little
23:08
Tony gets confusing to be,
23:11
um, you know, he's out here. He's
23:14
like, hey, big Tony, you remember
23:17
when we got those breakfast burritos on the way in today? He's like,
23:20
yeah, uh, it was rad. He goes, yeah, I'm about to make
23:23
a rad in my pants right now. I gotta go back. And big
23:26
Tony's like, you've got to be kidding me? And you're like this
23:29
schmo driving all the way back to the clubhouse
23:31
because you had too much Applebee's.
23:35
Or, I mean, sorry, m too
23:37
much breakfast burrito. People who play
23:40
golf probably don't go to Applebee's. That's my
23:43
guess on it. That's just my optics on that
23:46
situation. So what do you do?
23:48
I reached out to a buddy who I knew played some golf, and
23:51
since I don't thwack balls, I had to ask someone
23:54
who did, and he said, it's kind of
23:57
an unspoken rule. Like, you go
24:00
at the beginning or end, like, when you're starting your round or
24:03
when you're ending the game, but you try not to go in the middle
24:06
because you're delaying other people's games. And in the
24:09
case of big Tony, their lives, if you have
24:11
to pee, you can still absolutely hit the bush.
24:14
Which I like that. I like that
24:17
golfing like this kind of rich ish
24:20
sport has the same bush wee rules as
24:23
going on a hike. It's great. We agreed.
24:26
He also noted, um, shout out to
24:28
Josh. Stay tuned. That's all I'm going to say about
24:31
that. He noted that there's
24:34
something, like, so good
24:38
about seeing some
24:41
rich businessman or generational
24:44
wealth golfer hose down a bush, just
24:46
like common backwoods
24:49
campers. It's delightful. He
24:52
also noted that, um, many times,
24:54
golfers play under
24:57
the influence of
25:00
alcohol and that this alcohol often wages
25:03
war on their tiny rich bladders.
25:05
I should note, while this is the expected
25:08
action, it could directly disparage
25:11
the woman golfer. Um, like, you could go bushweed,
25:14
but if you're a lady, you might not want to do
25:17
bushweed, especially if you're playing golf with a bunch of
25:19
dudes. Sometimes the lady need to hit the
25:22
loo for things outside one and two, and
25:25
they probably aren't going to be leaving the spent product on the green.
25:28
You know what I'm saying? Or maybe they
25:31
should. Maybe they should just toss the spent feminine
25:34
hygiene product right in the middle of the rough
25:37
for these old rich dudes to find. Be like, hey, look what I
25:40
deal with. Do you deal with this? Heck no, you
25:42
don't. They make golf clubs that you
25:45
can pee into, so that's cool. It's mostly a gag gift,
25:48
but it still exists, so it ought to be mentioned.
25:51
But as we will see,
25:54
golf club owners might be stuck between
25:57
a rock and a hard place. Or,
26:00
as is the case in this poo in the
26:02
news, a meth lab and a nasty
26:05
surprise.
26:11
The first article in this poo in the news, uh,
26:14
as with all good bathroom articles, is
26:17
from nearly ten years ago, uh, and it
26:20
is brought to us by a local Oklahoma news
26:22
station. The article is titled
26:25
Porta Potty. Meth lab found on golf
26:28
course. So,
26:30
this takes place in Purcell, Oklahoma. And, uh,
26:33
it says, undercover drug agents
26:36
diffuse a miniature meth lab
26:38
found inside
26:41
of a Porta potty in the middle of a golf
26:44
course. Tuesday. Again, ten years ago in
26:46
Purcell, Oklahoma, the staff at
26:49
the golf club noticed strange
26:52
sports drink bottles with chemicals inside the Porta
26:55
potty and called the police. Good on
26:57
you. Yeah, I mean,
27:00
like, sports drinks
27:03
already kind of look like strange chemicals inside
27:06
of a bottle, so I would be interested to know
27:09
what that looked like. But the officers
27:12
arrived and realized someone had been inside making
27:14
meth using the, quote, shaken bake
27:17
method, um, that'll do Ricky Bobby's heart.
27:20
Real proud to know that he's got a shaken bake
27:22
method, um, of making meth named after
27:25
him. Three bottles were found. Two
27:28
of them exploded before the detectives arrived,
27:31
and the agents were able to neutralize the third bottle
27:33
without harmful chemicals shooting out into the
27:36
air and all over everyone. And one
27:39
of the department corporals
27:42
of the area, he said if someone would have been in the porta potty when
27:45
that thing would have exploded, um, they would have
27:48
been hit by flying chemicals and plastic and all other
27:51
sorts of things. Investigators
27:54
said they have a lead on one suspect, but said
27:57
they believe others could be involved.
28:01
The inside of the unit was damaged, but
28:03
agents were able to submit latent fingerprints to a
28:06
crime lab. So that's fun.
28:09
Some guy snuck onto a golf course to pull a full
28:12
Walter white and make some toilet meth.
28:15
Because why not do that on the golf course? You
28:18
know, the article notes
28:21
that one of the bottles exploded, and if someone had been in
28:23
there, it would have been bad. So I guess.
28:26
Here's the public service announcement
28:29
psa loading out right
28:31
here at, uh, the middle of the poo of the news.
28:34
If you go into a porta potty and you
28:37
see just, like, bottles lying around, or you look down into the
28:40
blue lake and you see, like, weird, strange looking
28:43
bottles, maybe just don't use it
28:46
because you could sit down and it could spray
28:48
chemical meth up your bung holio. And that
28:51
seems bad. Like, I'm pretty confident
28:54
that's bad. And I'm sure this happens on
28:57
non golf porta potties, but
29:00
it's just so fun that it happened on a golf
29:03
course. It's so poetic.
29:06
It's such a great commentary. But
29:09
maybe you're trying to fight the power. Or maybe someone is
29:12
making meth in the golf course. Porta potty. You just
29:15
can't make it to the clubhouse because
29:17
sometimes nature calls.
29:20
And this brings us to our second
29:23
poo in the noose. And this article is
29:26
called mystery pooper targeting
29:29
holes of norwegian golf course.
29:31
This article is from 2015, and it was
29:34
originally sent to me by friend of the show Iron
29:37
Snyder. Shout out, uh, Iron. This one's been sitting in my
29:40
hopper for a while, and I just had
29:43
to pair it with the right episode
29:46
originally. So this article, again is
29:49
from, uh, July 24,
29:51
2015. Uh,
29:54
harfs Fjord, Norway.
29:57
I love norwegian words because you get those fun
30:00
j's in there. You get that? Fjord.
30:03
Fjord. Harfs
30:05
Fjord, Norway. It
30:08
says, the groundskeeper of a norwegian
30:11
golf course said, quote,
30:14
a mystery pooper has been targeting
30:17
golf course holes, and they must be a
30:19
man, because, again, this is part of the
30:22
quote, the poos are
30:25
too massive to be from a woman. First
30:28
of all, how dare you?
30:31
If women want to take huge,
30:33
disgusting turds, they dang well
30:36
can. Thank you very much. It's
30:39
2022. Guy
30:42
or girl? I'm not going to tell you how to live your
30:45
life. Kenneth Tenfjord.
30:48
So good. Yep, Kenneth, it's probably a guy.
30:51
Groundskeeper at the Scavenger golf club
30:54
said he has been finding human
30:57
feces and toilet paper in golf course
30:59
holes since 2005.
31:02
Now, if you need to bring it
31:05
back to memory, this article was
31:08
written in 2015. My
31:10
dude has been plopping
31:13
beefers in golf course holes
31:16
for ten years. So
31:19
good. Tenthiord,
31:22
the groundskeeper, says that he has a
31:24
couple of favorite holes. Uh, I bet he
31:27
does. And we know that it is a man, because, again,
31:30
the poohs are too massive. Sexist.
31:33
He poos only on weekdays. At least he
31:36
honors the Sabbath. Do you know what I'm saying?
31:39
On weekends, he has never found poo
31:42
ten. Fjord says that the fecal
31:45
discoveries are usually accompanied by used toilet
31:48
paper, and he's wiping like the dude's got it figured
31:51
out. The managing director of the club, whose
31:53
name I'm gonna go for because it's another
31:56
fun conglomerate, norwegian
31:59
name Steiner
32:00
Flozvick,
32:04
said the mystery pooper used to arrive
32:07
via bicycle. In the early morning
32:09
dew, we would observe bicycle tracks on the
32:12
course. Footsteps showed that he had done his
32:14
business, and the bicycle tracks disappeared
32:17
back the way they came. Dudes rolling up on a
32:20
bike like stranger things
32:23
season one style, and running out in the middle of
32:26
this golf course to relieve himself just
32:28
because
32:31
Frod Jormland, can we get
32:34
any more weird names on this article? It's not
32:37
even that long. Like, there's so
32:40
many weird names on this thing. Another
32:42
groundskeeper said the club installed
32:45
high powered spotlights to discourage
32:48
the defecation. And
32:51
this is the article. This is
32:54
not the bathroom jokes we make here
32:57
at privy. But
33:01
they call this man the poopitrator.
33:04
Now, listen,
33:07
it's not bad.
33:10
It's really good. Uh, but
33:13
they say that this guy disabled these
33:15
spotlights. Got him.
33:18
It says he climbed up a tree next to the lights and,
33:21
quote, wriggled far out. Wriggled with a
33:24
wr, by the way, on a branch, and
33:27
dismantled the spotlights. Like,
33:30
how he managed to do that without electrocuting
33:33
himself. This groundskeeper says he has no
33:35
idea. And sometimes you hear a
33:38
story and you think to yourself,
33:41
uh, is this a simulation? Like, is this
33:43
real?
33:46
Is this all made up?
33:49
Like, this dude, for ten years,
33:52
frequented the same golf course in
33:55
Norway and pooped in the
33:57
golf course holes and in
34:00
the green for ten years, and
34:03
they never caught the guy.
34:06
The kids I work with in the high school can't even
34:10
devious lick a hand
34:12
sanitizer bottle without getting caught. And my
34:15
dude took a crap in golf course holes for ten
34:18
years. Scott clean didn't get
34:20
caught. They need to figure out their security and
34:23
get some better lights. Like, if this guy is able to just shimmy
34:26
up and put him out of commission, they never got,
34:29
like, could you imagine? You thwack your ball
34:32
real good. You really just
34:35
put some Scottish on that ball. Not English. It's
34:38
from Scotland, so we had to do Scottish. But
34:41
you really just get some pepper behind that
34:43
ball. You switch to donkey
34:46
Kong, and you hit the power button, and you just
34:49
kaplamo that golf ball, and it
34:52
soars right down kerplunky. Hole
34:55
in one. You're on
34:58
cloud nine. You're thrilled.
35:01
And then you walk up to the hole, probably
35:03
with gloved, white gloved hand, and
35:06
you reach into the hole, and there's just
35:09
poop with your ball.
35:14
Your ball is resting on top of a turd.
35:17
It's the perfect crime. I will note
35:20
in 2015, it says that the guy just kind of
35:23
stopped. And I tried to find any form of information. I
35:26
couldn't. Some mysteries will never be solved. And if you have
35:29
more information about this
35:32
golf hole pooper,
35:36
you got to send it our way.
35:39
This brings us to the end of
35:42
poo in the news, privy golf
35:44
edition.
35:48
And this also brings us to the end of another
35:51
episode. If you're going golfing, this
35:53
summer, remember, it's okay to go in the bush. Your
35:56
friends might actually prefer it. And
35:59
if you're on the golf course and you see a picture of
36:02
the old John, the old priv,
36:04
send us a picture. We'd love to see that.
36:08
Follow us on social media. We're at Privycast.
36:11
We're posting lots of crazy stuff over there. Um,
36:14
tread lightly on the TikTok. That's all I'm going to say about
36:17
it. Sometimes things get out of hand there. You can
36:20
send us an email, suggestion, topic,
36:23
ideas, anything you'd like to send us, within
36:26
reason, I tell you. Uh, to
36:28
privycast@gmail.com. We'd love to hear from
36:31
you. Um, if you want to see the nonsense that I'm doing, I'm
36:34
over at owlet seven. Uh,
36:36
I'm doing Pokemon go and weird treats. That's kind of my
36:39
thing. As always, we'd like to thank Kevin
36:42
McLeod for the use of bar room ballet
36:45
as our intro and outro music. You can find
36:47
Kevin's music at, uh,
36:49
incompetent.com. His music is
36:52
licensed under Creative Commons license
36:54
Attribution 40. Thanks, Kevin.
36:57
We would also like to thank Pottington Bear for the
37:00
use of all the colors in the world as the
37:03
hunter's anecdotes, intro and outro, and
37:06
for the use of camp as the
37:09
poo in the news intro and outro.
37:12
You can find Pottington Bears
37:14
music@pottingtonbear.com.
37:16
Thanks, Pottington. Leave us a
37:19
rating or review. We'd love to hear from you. Uh, we're going to
37:22
read some of those on the show. The five star options are
37:25
preferred. And make sure you write us a review. If you
37:28
want me to have to read that, I will read it.
37:31
Uh, and so go to
37:34
Apple podcasts. Leave us a review. It helps others
37:37
find the show, makes, um, that show a little more
37:40
searchable. We'd love for you to do that, and we appreciate it if you
37:43
do. Thank you so much. This brings us to the
37:45
end of another episode of privy. Thank you so
37:48
much for joining us. And now,
37:51
as always, don't forget
37:54
to flush close.