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The Harshest Burns from the Roast of Justin Bieber 😁🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_10: What do you get when you give a teenager$200 million?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_10: A bunch of husbands calling you a lesbian for two hours.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_08: It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's Dick.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_08: Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_08: If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_08: You might know Ludacris from your mom's that's what I call music CD.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_08: Come on, let's hear it for Shaq.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_08: Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_08: Please don't eat me.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_08: Shaq has shattered eight backboards and 79 cervixes.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_08: Snoop's son just got accepted to play Division I college football.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_08: So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_08: And now, speaking of someone who probably doesn't know he has a son, Justin.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_08: Bieber is here.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_08: Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9-11, and I always regretted growing up without a dad.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_08: Until I met your dad, Justin.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_08: Now I'm glad mine's dead.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_08: And now for the greatest transition in the history of comedy, uh, two people from the movie Soul Plane are here.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_08: Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_03: There is a lot of star power up here.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: These men combined have made millions in child support payments.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Kevin does all of his own stunts.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: He climbs into his own chair, he goes up on his wife.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know, a lot of people don't know this.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: Shaquille is an Arabic name for handsome, and O'Neal is the Irish word for just kidding.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: Shaq's dick is so big he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here once a year at These Roasts.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_03: How's the Uber driving going?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: Chris Delia finally answers the question.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm excited, Snoop's here.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: Snoop, you look like Shaq Skeleton.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: All these rappers on stage, and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: Justin Bieber, everybody.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: Justin Selena Gomez had to f you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal, Shaq Diesel, and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And trust me, Martha knows how to work that mother f boy.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Once you go shack, you never go back, ain't that right, Martha?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm not the only baller here tonight.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: What's up, Snoop?
• 3:19
  unknown: How'd it go, baby?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Snoop made a reggae album.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: If you're a rap fan, you may not have it.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're a reggae fan, I know you don't fing have it.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Look at all these scrubs on the stage.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Chris Delia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davison, Jeff Ross.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Look at Jeff.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Justin, as a father of six, you gotta straighten up, son.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Jim Jones only didn't even score that low.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And he uses your music to f torture people.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: But thanks to that music, Justin is worth over$200 million.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And in prison, four packs of cools.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: That man has suffered enough.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_04: Baby is the most hated video online, like statistically, if you check that shit out, okay?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_04: And there are also ISIS videos online, okay?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_04: That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming death to America and sawing someone's head off and thought, nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda in a bowling alley.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you, guy, half my age.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_04: Seriously, man.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_04: I'm proud of you.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_04: You have it all.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_04: You literally are a guy who has it all, except for respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's because Martha Stewart changes people's lives for the better.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, ludicrous.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You have three kids with three different women.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bedlins.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing you'll need is a shank.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I found bubbolicious works best, and it's so much fun to say.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dike, and I stuck her.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, Justin, my final piece of advice is call me.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: Or not!
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out of it!
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_06: Martha Stewart's here because Paula Dean refused to sit with this many black folk.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_06: Martha, I want to f you so bad.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_06: I bet your pubic hair is fifty shades of gray.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_06: Martha went to prison for dumping worthless stock for idiot consumers to buy.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_06: Which reminds me, Ludacris' new album drops tomorrow.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_06: But enough about Ludacris.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_06: Let's talk about FuCris, Shaquille O'Neal.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_06: Shaq's dick is so big he uses it as a selfie stick.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_06: Snoop, you look like a retired WNBA player.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_06: The only person that's inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson's dad inside the World Trade Center.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_06: Thanks, Pete.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_06: Justin, I feel like the roast fans really want blood this time.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_06: Even though most of your fans haven't even gotten their periods yet.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_06: But if you can take a joke, then so can the believers watching tonight.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_06: Because face it, Bebes, you become a cocky little shit.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_06: You are the King Joffrey of pop.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: Anyway, Beebs, you have such a huge career behind you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_06: You're probably thinking that none of us know what we're talking about.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_06: Because you're gonna fly out of here on a private jet full of cash and models, and we'll all be trying to finger bang Martha Stewart at the after party.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_06: And you know what, Beebe, you're right.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_06: And I know you'll never end up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_06: Respected.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_09: I don't need no warm-up.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_09: I've been smoking and drinking.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_09: I feel real good about myself.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_09: Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_09: Which only goes to prove that Usher ain't black.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_09: Now, Justin, most niggas like myself, we go a little crazy when we get famous.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_09: But nigga, you bought a monkey.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_09: I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_07: It's amazing to have Kevin Heard and Shaq here.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_07: Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's of mice and men?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_07: Shaq's a very unique player in NBA history.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_07: He's the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size, IQ, and jersey all be the same number.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_07: Shaq is a police officer in Florida.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_07: If you want to escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_07: Just and he'll fall eventually.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_07: Snoop is here, Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dio, Double G.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_07: Snoop looks like a cool ass salamander.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_07: Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit is if you stand behind Shuge Knight's car in a parking lot.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_07: Uh Chris, I don't know if you know this about Chris.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_07: He doesn't smoke weed, he doesn't drink, he's never done any drugs.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_07: His only vice is performing horrible stand-up comedy.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_07: All around the country.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_07: It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying his talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_07: You just look real vague, man.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_07: You have a weird, vague ass face, and I don't like it.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_07: Seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you, I don't have fun.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_07: And now the man of the hour.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_07: Justin Bieber, they say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_07: I'm just here because this is a real good opportunity for me.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_07: Uh I hate your music, man.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_07: I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_05: Uh listen, I don't have a lot of time, all right?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_05: I'm currently over at stage 24 hosting Spike TV's Your Mother's a Fat Bitch award show.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_05: As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_05: Here's a couple things I know.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_05: October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_05: Kaboom! March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to stop playing a video game.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_05: Say what?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_05: If anything, not only do you need to continue to live your life with the same reckless abandon, I suggest you turn up the heat.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_10: Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, alright?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_10: What do you get when you give a teenager$200 million?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_10: A bunch of hasbands calling you a lesbian for two hours.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_10: Alright, alright.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_10: I'm playing.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_10: Kevin is so short he calls Lil Wayne Wayne.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_10: I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_10: Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_10: And Martha, thanks for coming.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_10: I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_10: I'm a huge fan of Crystal Leah.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_10: Chris gets a ton of girls.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_10: You wanna know why?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_10: Because I'm a big fan of Christalia.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_10: That's right, hey! Thank you.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_10: Luta.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_10: Luta and I had a lot of hours making the song Baby Together.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_10: In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_10: Snoop Doggy Dog.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_10: What's up, man?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_10: He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually the Billboard's top male artist the year I was born.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_10: And look at you now, Snoop.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_10: You're one of the ten dudes at my row sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_10: How cool is this?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_10: So cool.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_10: You made it.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_10: Howdy, man.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_10: Howdy.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_10: Thank you so much and good night.