Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 348: Tammy's Take #34: The Childhood Voice That's Still Running Your Life

Transcript

E 348: Tammy's Take #34: The Childhood Voice That's Still Running Your Life · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes, where we take powerful conversations with our guests and turn them into practical strategies you can use right here, right now.
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  So if you missed my first conversation with Isabelle Chiara, I highly recommend you go back and listen to that episode after this one.
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  Isabelle has such a unique way of looking at healing, and both of our conversations have centered around something I believe every adult child of dysfunction needs to understand.
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  Healing starts from within, from the inside out, not from the outside in.
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  So in today's conversation, or actually yesterday's conversation, Isabelle said something that really caught my attention.
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  She talked about paying attention to the conversation you're having with yourself.
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  When she said that, I couldn't help but think, "Yes, but it goes so much deeper than that."
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  Because after years of working with adult children of dysfunction, I've come to believe that something that has completely changed the way I coach people.
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  The voice in your head isn't always yours.
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  Think about that for a moment.
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  How many times have you caught yourself saying, "I'm so stupid.
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  I never do anything right.
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  I always mess things up.
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  I should've known better.
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  Why can't I do everything?
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  I'm just too sensitive."
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  The list goes on and on.
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  And find that people actually assume that's just who they are.
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  I don't.
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  I think those are borrowed voices.
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  You see, none of us came into this world criticizing ourselves.
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  A two-year-old doesn't look in the mirror and think, "I'm not good enough."
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  Children learn who they are by listening to the people around them.
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  If you grew up in a home where you were encouraged, comforted, and made to feel safe, those voices became part of your inner world.
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  But if you grew up walking on eggshells, if love felt conditional, if your emotions were ignored, if you made a mistake and you got punished, or even if you learned that what you said didn't matter Your brain adapted,
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  not because something was wrong with you, because that's what children do.
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  Children don't question their caregivers, they question themselves.
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  A child can't survive believing the people they depend on aren't safe.
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  So instead, they make a different conclusion.
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  They internalize it.
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  They flip it around.
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  They figure it must be me.
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  I'm too much.
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  I'm not enough.
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  If I could just be better, maybe I'd finally be loved.
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  Those are the things children think in their heads, and those beliefs do not stay in childhood, my friend.
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  They become automatic thoughts.
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  These automatic thoughts create emotions, and these emotions create physical sensations in the body.
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  So what happens?
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  Your shoulders tighten, your jaw clenches, your breathing is shallow.
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  Oh my goodness, how many of us walk around and you're taking a shallow breath?
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  Pay attention right now to how you're breathing.
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  So many people are taking short breaths.
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  Your stomach cannot up.
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  It feels like something's sitting in your stomach.
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  You have no appetite, just, ugh, it feels that gross feeling.
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  Eventually, honestly, your body starts reacting physically before you've even had a conscious thought.
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  That's why I say your inner voice doesn't just live in your mind.
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  It becomes your nervous system.
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  And this is why so many people get frustrated with healing.
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  Because they've read the book, they've listened to the podcast, they've repeated the affirmations, they've tried positive thinking, but every time something stressful happens, their body reacts before their mind has a chance to catch up.
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  You can stand in the mirror all day and say, "I'm worthy, I'm enough, I'm safe," but if your nervous system has spent 30 or 40 years preparing for criticism, rejection, or abandonment, your body isn't quite convinced yet that
• 3:28
  you are safe.
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  And that's okay, because healing isn't about forcing yourself to believe something your body isn't ready for Healing is about creating enough safe spaces that your body slowly begins to believe a new story.
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  That's why I teach healing through body, mind, and spirit, because you can't separate them.
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  Your thoughts affect your body, your body affects your thoughts.
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  And when you reconnect with your spirit, with who you truly are beneath all those survival strategies, you begin to realize that honestly, you're something beautiful.
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  You were never broken.
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  you adapted, and you did it well.
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  You did it out of survival.
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  Your nervous system did exactly what it was designed to do.
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  It protected you.
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  The problem is, is that what protected you as a child may now be preventing you from fully living as an adult.
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  So let me leave you with a simple exercise this week.
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  The next time you catch yourself criticizing yourself, don't argue with the thought.
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  Don't try to replace it with a positive affirmation.
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  Just pause.
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  Take a slow, deep breath, and ask yourself one question: "Whose voice is this?
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  Is it really yours?
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  Or does it sound like a parent, or a teacher, or an ex-partner, or a sibling, or someone who constantly made you feel like you weren't enough?"
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  Because the moment you recognize the voice isn't yours, you create a little space, and in that space, you get to choose a different response.
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  Maybe instead of saying, "I'm such an idiot," you simply saying, "I'm learning."
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  Instead of saying, "I always ruin everything," maybe you could just say to yourself, "I made a mistake, and mistakes are part of being human."
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  And notice that I'm not asking you to jump from self-hatred to complete self-love overnight.
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  Your nervous system probably wouldn't believe that either, honestly, but it might believe, "I'm learning."
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  Healing usually happens in believable steps, not giant leaps.
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  So this week, every time your inner critic shows up, pause, take a dep- take a breath, and ask yourself, "Whose voice is this?"
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  And then ask one more question: "If that voice isn't mine, what would my voice sound like?"
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  Because I truly believe that's the voice you've been searching for all along.
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  If today's episode resonated with you, if you recognize that inner voice, if you're tired of living in survival mode, or if you're wondering what your next step in healing looks like, I would absolutely love to help you.
• 5:48
  I offer a complimentary clarity and calm call where we'll spend time talking about where you are, what's keeping you stuck, and some practical next steps you can begin taking right away.
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  There's absolutely no pressure, my friends.
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  It's simply an opportunity to connect, ask questions and see if working together is the right next step for you.
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  You can schedule your free call using the link in the show notes.
• 6:08
  Thank you so much for spending time with me today, and remember, healing through body, mind, and spirit is not about fixing who you are.
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  It's about helping you stop surviving and start living, and going back to who you were born.
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  I'll see you next week, and I hope you have a beautiful week and a beautiful day.
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  Love you guys.