Latest / Motherhood Uncut / How to Show Up Fully With Christine Hassler

Transcript

How to Show Up Fully With Christine Hassler · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Motherhood Uncut podcast, where we talk honestly about the reality of motherhood.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Kate Kripke.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is a space for mothers to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially those navigating the intersection of raising young kids while also maintaining passions, a purpose, and work outside of motherhood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it's called Uncut because we do not hold back here.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Through expert conversations, personal stories, practical tools, and honest reflection, we explore what it means to care for ourselves, stay connected to our kids, and remember that we can feel hard things and still be okay.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: All right, listeners, today I have a very special conversation for you.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'm talking with Christine Hessler.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Christine is a master coach, spiritual psychologist, facilitator, and speaker with 20 years of experience.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: She's the best-selling author of three books, most recently, Expectation Hangover: Free Yourself from Your Past, Change Your Present, and GWA You Really Want.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And she's the host of top-rated podcast, Life Coaching with Christine Hassler, where she coaches people live on the show.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Christine is known globally for her ability to identify what is holding someone back and compassionately guiding them to clarity.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: She also works with companies and organizations to increase productivity and decrease the stress of their employees.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Christine has a master's degree in spiritual psychology and implements elements of NLP, psychology, spirituality, science, and her own diverse life experiences into her work.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: She's appeared on the Today Show, CNN, ABC, CBS, Fox, eStyle, and the New York Times.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what makes today's conversation especially meaningful is that Christine was also my client.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: After her baby was born, she struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety, and like so many mothers, had to navigate the challenge of appearing stable and strong on the outside while feeling lost on the inside.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: In this conversation, Christine shares what it was like to come to terms with the reality of being human, of being a mother, even when she wanted to be superhuman.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: She offers a powerful example of what it means to prioritize healing and commit to your well-being in service of your children, your partner, your friends, your family, your clients, and your community.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, and the world.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: The women I work with are often deeply thoughtful, capable, ambitious mothers who care tremendously about their children and also about the work passions and purpose they hold outside of motherhood.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: But somewhere along the way, anxiety, guilt, overwhelm, and pressure begin pulling them out of the present moment and away from the experience they long to be having.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: The Calm Connection Accelerator is my 12-week experience designed to help mothers move from survival mode into greater calm, confidence, steadiness, and connection, both with themselves and with their children.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: If that resonates with you, I'd love to invite you to book a call with me.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: We'll talk through what's feeling hardest right now, what you most want for yourself and your family, and whether the Calm Connection Accelerator feels like the right next step for you.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: You can find more information and the link to book a call in the show notes.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: So welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast, Kristen.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to be here.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking it was over two years ago that I reached out to you for support.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so glad I found you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's so, first of all, can we just talk about how weird time is?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: So weird.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like what you're raising kids because it's really obvious how fast it goes.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's so obvious how fast it goes.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're in it, we're in the it and when we're in the thick of it, it feels like it's never gonna end.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: So can you just talk a little bit about what was happening for you when you reached out two years ago?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: What you were experiencing as a new mom.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I felt like I was dying.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um I felt a tremendous amount of guilt because I had a baby easily and naturally later in life.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I heard a lot of you're so lucky, you're so blessed, it's a miracle, isn't it the best thing ever?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I never not love my child.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: That was very easy.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the transition was really hard.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a baby.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And is this her?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Was this a reaction to my own anxiety?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a combination of both?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But the the truth is I didn't have a quote unquote easy baby.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: She had a lot of gas, we had breastfeeding challenges, she sleep was just not her thing.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um it still really isn't, but she's gotten much better.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was it was hard.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, had her at 44 and have been an entrepreneur at that point for 20 years.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I quit working for anyone else at 23, 24, been my own boss, done my own thing.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a lot of freedom.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And motherhood, especially early motherhood, there's not a lot of freedom.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, there is not.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, especially if you're breastfeeding too, you know?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so uh it was a big transition.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And and for me, who as a high achiever was used to being good at things, yeah.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And really did things in my life I was good at.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like my life was at the point where I could really just focus on the things I was good at.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then to feel like, oh my gosh, I suck at this.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I am not, like everyone said, Oh, I'll just come easily and you'll know what to do.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know what to do at every moment.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like I outsourced a lot of my own inner knowing.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, part of why I've ultimately chosen not to have a second baby.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: But one of the reasons I did is I didn't want just a redemption birth.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had the home birth I wanted, but I I wanted a redemption like postpartum, yeah.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, of taking all the work that we did and all the things that I've learned and really integrating it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: So when I reached out to you, I was really at my wit's end.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had told my husband and my best friend, like, I'm not okay.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And neither one of them, I don't know if I didn't say it with enough emphasis, or they thought I was just having a dramatic moment, but neither one of them really did much.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was scrolling and you posted something about a you, a high achieving woman who, you know, was finding the transition to motherhood difficult.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'd never seen any of your work.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know anything about you.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I set up a call.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think you were enrolling for a program, and I'm like, no, I actually need I need you to be my coach.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it was just an instant, like really feeling seen in the you really helped me have the both and of like I can both love my child and be so grateful that I've had this experience in this baby and freaking hate it at times and have it be really hard at times.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: At a certain point as adults, we can choose to do the things that we are successful in and say, oh, that other thing that I'm not so good at, I'm just gonna choose not to do it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then we have a baby, and many of us bring the same high-achieving skills, the problem solving, the planning, the organizing, the fixing into this thing called motherhood.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't work.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So can you speak to that when you tried to fix and plan and problem solve your way through those early days?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Mike, I was in a total trauma response.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was in hypervigilance a hundred percent.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the problem with constantly trying to fix my child is that I had to consistently look at her through the lens of something is broken, which is one of my biggest wounds.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so then I realized I was doing that, and I'm like, oh, now I'm really effed because now I'm like perpetuating my own trauma onto my child.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then I tried to fix that.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was like, and that was such a thing I remember in our work is to move from out of this is not a problem and out of fix it mode and into present mode.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, and you know, one thing that I have grief over that I'll never be able to recreate is I like just kind of like, and I think a lot of new moms will relate to this, especially with your first child.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't really remember a lot.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was so in my head and so in hypervigilance, like those moments of her sleeping on my chest, you know, in those moments where there was nothing wrong and I could be in those bliss, it was almost like I wouldn't allow myself to have those moments because I was bracel for whatever I thought was coming.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so something I've done now and then I've been doing since I really kind of got out of a lot of my postpartum depression and anxiety, which we can talk about, is being really present with my child.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like this morning, she will sometimes she sleeps in her own bed, sometimes she doesn't.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't make it a problem.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, whatever.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And last night she happened to sleep in our bed from midnight on, and she woke up super early, as she tends to do.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, it's not time to wake up.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, okay, can I snuggle with you, mommy?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we're snuggling, and I I have learned to just really appreciate that moment because in the next five minutes, she could then start being grumpy because she wants to get up.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: She could fall back asleep.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have no idea what's going to happen next.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: As much as we think we can predict our children and motherhood, I have learned that we we we we know our kids, we know their patterns, we can see a meltdown coming, like those kinds of things, but we do not have control over them, which has been my biggest lesson.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna savor this moment.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I have gotten a lot more present and and have kind of dealt with my grief over not really being, I was there physically, but not really being fully there when she was really, really little and going, well, she's still little, she's three and a half.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can we can have these moments now.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I savor them.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in the moments where she, where it's not where it's not super easy, I don't make that mean anything, you know, because I used to, oh, you know, she didn't sleep.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: That means this or that, or like, you know, I was constantly trying to like not diagnose, but come up with a way to make myself feel like I had certainty.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I had none.
• 11:35
  unknown: Yes.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Gosh.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, so many things you just spoke about, I think many, many, many moms can identify with.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them is this like, you know, this like if we're good at solving problems, if we consider ourselves a problem solver, and maybe that's because we had to solve problems when we were kids, or our work requires it, or whatever that's sort of like on your toes, I can fix things when problems come up.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe a helper, like the those of us who are just like chronic helpers, right?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Our brain is then going to be wired to look for problems to solve.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: So to your point, you had this little baby in your arms who, in the moment, there was no problem.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: But your brain, our brains in those moments, can make up problems so that we can jump into that skill that we are quite good at, which is solving problems.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it does this thing where it gets us away from the moment where in that moment, there's no problem.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Here we are with our kiddo.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: But our heads, our brains spin, right?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: We go off in a million different directions.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um can you, I'm just curious.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think it would be helpful for other people to hear.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: You just mentioned a few minutes ago both and thinking, which of course is something that we talked a ton about in our work, right?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: When you were a new mom when when your daughter was little, you were stuck in what we might call rigid thinking, right?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: All or nothing, either or.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can you speak to that?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: What are the sort of things that you got rigid about?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: And how did that rigid thinking help or not help the situation for you when she was living?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it it helped in that I was able to attract great people like you to support me.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was able to find a great lactation consultant, I was able to find great bodyworkers, I was able to find someone that helped me do the sleep thing in a way that was enough in alignment with my values and what I wanted, but still actually got me to sleep and her to sleep.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so you know, I think with any of these, because I think they're protector parts, like they have a high function.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there is value.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I would say there was a lot more um things that were not so valuable in my rigid thinking and my black and white thinking that it really was fear-based thinking of uh, and you know, for me, where it got confusing is I I thought this is how you love.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like you, I love this baby so much, I have to do everything optimal and then add in the pressure that I'm spiritual psychologist and life coach since 2004 with a specialty in developmental psychology and inner child work.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it added in a whole other layer of I should know, and these are all the ways I can fuck up my child.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my God, I think I'm doing some of them.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And is she gonna have an anxious attachment?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And just like having all my knowledge of childhood development added in a whole other layer of rigid thinking because I was like, there's there's one way to do this right, you know, and there's one way to do this in a way that doesn't, you know, send her to therapy for 30 years.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so that pressure just reinforced it.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so the costs to that were, like we said, um having a hard time just like being in the moment, right?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had to come to great peace with this because you know, and and part of how I've come to peace with it is thinking, and another thing you helped me with, like Athena knew what she was signing up for.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like she chose this, we chose to have the first year and a half that we did.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I really have such a beautiful, secure relationship with her now.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so glad that I did this work in her early years, as much as a part of me would like to think I really damaged her.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm I can tend to be really, really hard on myself.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what people that love me have told me is like you were actually just really trying to get it right.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that created anxiety and like she's gonna be okay.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so to other mamas who may be hard on themselves, because you're like, oh my gosh, I spent so much time and like trying to be a perfectionist or being so rigid, like at the core of it, your highest intention is you were trying to get it right.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I do believe children can feel our intentions, you know, like the the intentions really, really are good.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for me, it just caused a lot of stress.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think that hypervigilance and thinking, along with just the hormonal, you know, having a baby while also probably being in perimenopause was like an interesting, like, hormonal concoction that I wasn't really prepared for.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think there's the real hormonal element of postpartum depression and anxiety that I think perpetuated my rigid thinking as well.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think the parts of my brain that were flared tended to go more towards that.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it it I think it impacted my relationship with my husband as well, and impacted how he fathered, you know.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like I still have to say to him sometimes, like if she misses, you know, she doesn't take a nap or she sleeps funny or we're eating off scale or whatever, like, like it's okay, you know, that we can't we can't, it's not a big deal.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So for anyone that can kind of relate to that perfectionism and that right, wrong, good, bad thinking, um when when you see it, when you zoom out and you realize you're doing it, the tendency can be then to beat yourself up for it, which then just moves you from rich, rigid thinking to like self-critical thinking, which isn't a good place to necessarily go to.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: And shame.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so much shame and guilt.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: So much shame and guilt.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the other thing with the rigid thinking is if I believe there's a right or wrong or good or bad, and that I was in the wrong or the bad, then like so so much shame, which then created more hypervigilance, and then the loop just continues.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's such a painful, painful loop.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um so, so I I actually have some questions for you about the the work mom overlap that I want to get to in a moment.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: But Christine, you I, you know, one of the things you just mentioned this idea of trying to do the right thing, right?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: It which is it which is so well-intentioned.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I would believe you, I believe you.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think that our internal energy gets passed along to our kids, to our babies, right?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: So, so it's the intention is an important thing to remember here.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: And there is no one right way to raise a child.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: I believe that with every cell in my body.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: And out there in the big wild world, wide world of internet and social media, people are saying very different things from that.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: People have strong opinions, like this is right, this is wrong, this is good, this is bad.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: So to be fair to all of us, we may have a tendency towards rigid thinking, but the world is talking to us in rigid ways also.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: So it's easy to get caught into that.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, the whole sleep thing really caught me.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: And for many people.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess, can you speak, Christine?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: You know, as you know, my work really focuses a lot on the stories we have that we bring into motherhood with us about ourselves, about motherhood.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: They can kind of make it or break it for us when it comes to our anxiety or lack thereof, right?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: So many of us come into motherhood with these kind of fear-based beliefs about ourselves or fear-based beliefs about motherhood that just set us up to kind of in a panic way be like, oh, I have to not mess up my child, right?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: I have to find the right answer.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: What were some of the beliefs you came into motherhood with about yourself and or mothering in general, motherhood in general?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it was in like I think I really thought it would come easy because of the level of awareness and work that I had done.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was really humbling.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my biggest fear around motherhood was worry and something happening to her.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, that was made manifest in the rigid thinking.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I'm coming into motherhood with, oh my gosh, motherhood includes loving something so much you constantly have something to worry about.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the biggest reason I waited as long as I did to become a mom, because I really was negotiating inside myself, like, can I deal with having this anxiety the rest of my life?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I mean, no matter how I mean, I'm nearly 50 and my mom still worries about me.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms worry, right?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's a belief.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Anxiety means I like if I'm feeling anxious, that means I love my child.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I had worry and love tied together.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I actually did not know how to love without worry.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, even when I first met my husband, I worried so much about him dying.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: When I was a little girl, I worried so much about my mom dying.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: So this is like a thing that has been in me, right?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: A real fear-based thing that um, you know, almost prevented me from having a kid in the first place.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, when I actually did, and it wasn't just a concept when she was actually there, I really had to confront that belief around like my job is to worry about this thing.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if I worry enough, I will keep her safe.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to press pause for a moment because I think that is actually a very the quintessential definition of anxiety in motherhood, new motherhood, but many moms to your, I mean, we just Said your mom is, you know, she's no longer postpartum, and right.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: So there, there, that we can carry that with us.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: You said, I did not know how to love without worry.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: And if we can just pause, and even our listeners to just pause and ask themselves, is there a flavor of that that they come into motherhood with?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do they come into motherhood with this idea that good moms constantly worry about their children?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: We could say this in so many different ways, right?
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or anxiety is a sign of love.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Or, I mean, you've said it so beautifully so many different times, but if we believe that to be true, we're gonna constantly find things to worry about.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, worry can be, I mean, yes, I think worrying about our children is like comes with the territory on some level, but we're talking about that chronic disorienting, pulling us out of the moment, keeping us up at night, rigid thinking, not able to take nonstop, googling nonstop.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's really interesting how tied in that can be to a belief we have around love and mothering in general.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: So safety and safety.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like keeps me safe.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, so how would you articulate what your new belief is?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, there's a couple things.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've come to the terms with the way I'm wired and just me in general.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't think I'm ever not gonna worry.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I make my worry not a problem.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, oh, yeah, I'm doing my worry.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: There it is.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Of course I'm doing that because like that's just what I know and what I tend to do when I feel scared or stressed.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is like I just make space for it.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that when I do take action, my come from is not fear.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: In the past, the worry would be the fuel.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it would be what I what I used, it would be the hypervigilance, it would be that.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: So so now like it's it's like okay, I worry, period.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and some of the beliefs is everything I worry about is not true.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that I I love how do I say this in a belief way?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to feel into what like I actually believe.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I truly do believe that whatever like I need to know about my child, I'm gonna know.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm I don't need to like worry to to figure it out.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I actually believe in my connection with my child and my own motherly knowing about what's best for her.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I also believe, you know, she's just three and a half, but I also believe that she knows what's best for her.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: And and I really want to empower her in that too.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm always worrying about her and trying to control everything, then where's where's her sovereignty?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, where's her autonomy?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where's really developing her her own inner knowing and intuition?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then, you know, with love, I've really kind of paired love and truth together.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what really helps me love more freely is not getting caught up in fear-based untruths, but really in truth statements like she's okay.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, there's nothing to do.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is normal.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is normal has helped me a lot.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just that statement has helped me a lot.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is normal, is such is sort of the other side of what if this isn't a problem, right?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like it's okay.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: This is normal.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, normal, we think it normal looks one certain way, but there's such a range, normal can look a million different.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: So you just spoke to something, it's really interesting.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: I remember you and I talked about this quite a bit.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, anxiety and intuition feels different.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: That deep knowing that you're describing that you trust now, which you know was always there, but you didn't always trust that it was there, at least in the beginning, right?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: You had a lot of doubt and fear.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: But that intuition is not anxiety, it doesn't feel like anxiety, right?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's calm, it's grounded, it's not fueled by what ifs, it's not fueled by the racing heart.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like you find yourself in your child's room.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: You don't think about going into your child's room, you just find yourself there because there was some intuitive sense that she needed you for something, right?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas anxiety can be spinny and we go back and forth and we sit in that kind of hot, tight, sweaty, angsty space.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: That I I remember us talking about that.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: But do you want to speak to that for a moment?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know this also moves into your work that you do with people, right?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, I can I tell a story that may tie into it.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: So um, this was a few weeks ago, and Athena goes to little, little preschool.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: She goes to Montessori school and then in nature school, and it was Monday, and um she just came to me and said, Mom, I I I I don't want to go to school.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't want to go to school today.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And in the past, I wouldn't, I that would have triggered my anxiety right away because I would have gone, oh my gosh, is something wrong at school?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: If she doesn't go to school now, am I gonna start a pattern?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: What is the teacher gonna think of me?
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is she really sick?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm my mind would have just started trying to analyze why she didn't want to go to school and making it a problem versus like really feeling into her energy and going, yeah, no school today.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like she actually needs to just be with me.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what was so great is because I was able to really tap into my intuition of like, and it's not that like there was gonna be a problem at school, it's just like right there she needed not to go.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And but I had a full day planned, and so I said, you know, baby, I really, I really hear you that school is not feeling like where you need to be right now.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I agree with you, and and I also have plans, and so we can have a grown-up day.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can come work out with me.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have a microneedling appointment, I have a call, you can read some books to, and that's gonna be our morning.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, Okay, mommy, I want a grown-up day.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Okay, and if at any point that's you can you want a kid day, I can drop you off at school.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Okay.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: And she came and she was she was an angel.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: She had the best because she just really needed to be close to me that day.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I I messaged the teacher and she said, Oh, this is gonna start a pattern.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'd encourage you to bring her.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you know me, Kate.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: The in the past, I would have let that spiral me.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: I would have even gotten mad at the teacher or let her think, oh my gosh, that's true.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: And how do I not make it a pattern?
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And just spun out.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just like, no, that's just not true for us.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Respect to the teacher, all those types of things.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the next day, she was totally fine.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: There were no transition issues.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just share that story because it's like huge progress for me.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I'm so glad I've done this work because I'm actually able to discern, like, into I was able to feel intuitively what she needed in that moment without getting into any of the anxiety of like, is this a pattern?
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is something really wrong?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: What about my day?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was able to have a both and I was able to have like the both be there for my kid and not cancel my whole day.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because in the past, I would have underestimated her, gone like, well, she needs me, so I have to cancel my whole day.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I get to be the martyr mother of I can never have my time and my space and what's for me.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And we were really able to have the both and she was able to be with me, I was able to have my day, and we were able to move through without anxiety.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's really been the work for me is stopping my mind from going to a million different scenarios, uh, keeping fear-based thoughts at a bay, at bay as best I can.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't do this 100% of the time, but I do it more than not, and really feeling into like what is for the highest good of this mother-daughter family dynamic right now.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's where moms we can lose our power, is because we can get too, for lack of a better word, brainwashed by all the things out there, by the standards, by how our kid has behaved in the past, and not take them for where they're at right now.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: We underestimate ourselves, we underestimate our kid, and we and that rigid thinking.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if if I had thought this is the way my day is going and this is the way her day is going, and like there's no wiggle room in that, then we both really would have been stuck.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, that's a that's an easy example of not going to school, but I've used it in situations where she's woke up in the middle of the night throwing up or she's had a really high fever and going, Do I need to call a doctor?
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is this okay?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, this is this is like I feel like she's just moving through something.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: And even going back to early motherhood, like in those moments where I had quiet and I really could feel in, because there were those moments, I actually just kind of knew I was having trouble moving into motherhood, and she was actually having trouble to like being a soul adjusting to a human body.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like she just really didn't like being a baby that much.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen as she as she talked, as she got mobility, as she started feeding herself, like the more autonomy this girl gets, the happier she is.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: And like there's kind of what we do to our kids, and then there's just who they are and like who they come in as.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: And now that she's getting older, I'm seeing that a lot of this stuff, like I thought I did, or I did something wrong, or is because of what I did.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of just her and like who she is.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, I mean, I love everything that you're saying.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: So beautiful and such a shift in perspective and so freeing to not take everything so personally and to give our kids permission to just be themselves, even if being themselves means they're uncomfortable, right?
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's something you and I talked so much about is sort of our fear of emotional discomfort and our our sense that we many of us come into motherhood with a sense that our job is to make sure that our children feel no emotional discomfort.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a setup.
• 33:07
  unknown: Yeah.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so you're really describing uh a beautiful shift in which you learned or evolved into your ability to choose connection over control.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of us, especially in early early motherhood, we're trying to control, to your point.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: We're trying to control the unpredictable or the uncertain.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: And this is just a moment, this beautiful story of choosing connection.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you said yes to both of you.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: Versus, you know, in in the very beginning, and I'm sure there are a lot of moms like this, the thought is, well, do I send her to school so that I can do my day?
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: Or do I keep her home and then I have to cancel my day?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: And in many ways, what I hear you so artfully doing here is that you are allowing both of you to have agency.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: Neither of you had to give up your agency.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_01: You said to her, hey, you got a couple choices here.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: Choice number one, you have a kid day, you go to school.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: Choice number two, you have a grown-up day, you're with mommy.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: Those are your choices.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: You gave her the agency to choose.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: And you also allowed yourself to still have agency about what do I want and need my day to look like without sacrificing your needs in order to meet her needs.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it is like a beautiful example of all the work that you did.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't just it was the work, and it was going to those uncomfortable places inside myself with you and all the work that I did in my whole life, but especially, you know, motherhood brings up a lot, and you kind of don't know what you haven't uncovered until you have a baby.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like going through the process of motherhood, even if you've done a ton of personal development work, like I have, you name it, I've done it.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um being a mom and stepping through that portal and being initiated into motherhood, it it's humbling.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: It does bring up so much pre-verbal, subconscious trauma response stuff that um, you know, unfortunately, a lot of women don't have the support to navigate.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: And those of us that do, I think we have a duty to be generational pattern breakers, you know, um, and to like really make our own work a priority, like a like a non-negotiable priority.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um because how do we then then we just kind of pass it on if if we don't.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing, you know, I was so much trying to control her, but I believe children in so many ways, yes, they they're their own people, their their own soul imprint and they they have their own personality and they come in with their own lessons, but they're also like feeling everything we're feeling.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as I shift, she shifts.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it, it, it, it, I see it over and over and over again.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: The more my husband and I work on our marriage, the better she sleeps, you know, like the calmer she is, the more I am taking care of myself and stepping into my purpose, and the more I see her thrive.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think we spend a lot, we buy into the misconception as mothers that it's all out here, that we need to like pack the right lunch or you know, make the right arts and crafts or do the right thing when like really doing our own inner work, like the actual inner work, not just you know, going to yoga, is what our kids feel the most.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: Beautifully said, and we have to go first because to your point, we can think that we are we need our children to change for us to feel better.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: And what you're really saying is, hey, we're the grown-ups in the room.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 37:18
  unknown: Yeah.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: Use the word duty, and I actually really appreciate that word.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: It is our duty, it is our obligation on some level to if we have the resources and the capacity to really do that work in service of our children and in service of future generations, for sure.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is where high-achieving women that have the career and motherhood sometimes will make an excuse not to do because time is so uh it's hard anyway to balance.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so glad because I came to you, you know, when I was in some of the busiest times of my business.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm so glad I made it a priority, even though it was hard and even though it would be easy to justify, I'll do this later, or like I really need to work.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: Those were my comfort zones, you know?
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for a lot of women, you know, work can be kind of the comfort zone and the area you want to spend more time in, especially when motherfuckers are successful over there, right?
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is I got control over here.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm like, I I see my I recognize myself over here.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: But I can't emphasize, well, thank you enough for the work that you do and emphasize enough for moms to like make the time and space for it, because it really does matter.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: I want us to just dabble for just a moment uh here because um, yes, you're speaking to something that's near and dear to my heart, as you know.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_01: I want more women to trust that they can pursue the careers that they feel passionate about and that are purpose-driven, and they've spent a lot of time and energy uh working towards and raise healthy children and have beautiful relationships with their kids.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: I I see too many women stop working because they don't believe, they believe that their kids will suffer if they keep working.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: And um, as you know so well, that is not what I believe.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_01: And and certainly I see women proving that otherwise all the time, right?
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_01: Two things, Christine.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one is just to go back to something you said earlier, you know, you are in a career where you are a teacher, you are a mentor, you are a coach, you are the person who knows the answers.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_01: People come to you for support.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there are many careers and professions like that: doctors, teachers, coaches, um, any person that is a kind of public figure in some way that has a persona that people see as having it all together.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_01: That is something I've really been so grateful of for your willingness to speak openly about this, because I think that is something that will keep a lot of women in the closet when they are struggling in motherhood because they feel like, to your point, I should know better.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: I should know.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: I can't have people know that I'm floundering in this place of my life when they're hiring me or my role is to help them not flounder.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what is that?
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love to hear you speak a bit about that.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then I have one follow-up question about this quote quote unquote balance thing.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't love that word, but I want to talk about that.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: But could you speak to this first part?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, I think it's a both and.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think that what I really had to get to inside myself was just because I'm learning here and I'm struggling here does not make me less qualified or less effective over here.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: And not compartmentalize myself, but really love all aspects of myself.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is really important for working women, is um because there were moments where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm the biggest fraud there is.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm struggling so much, and I'm supposed to know these things.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wait a second, this is the first time I've done this.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is the first time I've had a kid.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want to do it well.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so rather than allowing my struggle to impact my self-worth in a negative way, I really held it as wow, like this is gonna make me even better at what I do.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like my range, my depth, my rawness, my vulnerability.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think it matters, even if you're a lawyer, even if you're an engineer, even if you're not in a career that involves like psychology, chances are you're working with other humans.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and I think motherhood just really teaches you a lot about your capacity and your adaptability and your will and your ability, if you do the work, to navigate uncertainty.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so I found great like comfort and work, especially in New Motherhood, I think kept me from going deeper into depression because I still could access me, like the parts of me that I was grieving.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, there she is.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not just this not that you're never just a mom, but new motherhood especially can feel so consuming.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Consuming.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I can see why, and I am just I am an advocate for women doing whatever works best for them and their family.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you want to not work and be a homemaker, amazing.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to work part-time, amazing.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to take a few years off and go back to work, amazing.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to work full-time all-time, amazing.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's all about your come from and your why in terms of in terms of why you're doing it.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I do find that most women, and I just got back from hosting my women's retreat.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like very tapped into this.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think we're kind of like sold, like men have purpose and women are relational.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, that's very outdated, limited definition of the masculine and feminine.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think women, we're the ultimate channels, we're the ultimate vessels.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so it is important for our mental health and well-being, however, that looks, that we feel like we are expressing and sharing our gifts in the world.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when we aren't doing that, um, I feel like we feel like we aren't actually living into our full authenticity and potential.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's a really, I love how dynamic this, these ideas are that you're talking about because they're they fit into the story of whatever woman is listening to this episode, whatever she wants.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: For herself in this season of life is okay.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: And you and many women out there, you were at risk, because of what society tells us, of saying, well, I'm struggling so much in new motherhood.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm worried about my attachment with my baby.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm worried that I'm doing this wrong.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm exhausted.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I have no time.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_01: So therefore, I have to stop working so that I can focus on this.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the point that you're making is, but work is where you had a connection to the part of you that really fueled, like, you know, fill in the blank motivation, creativity, energy.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_01: And we needed to borrow from that over here in motherhood.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_01: So if you had stopped working because you told yourself that what your baby needed and what you needed was to just be a mom, that would have, you would have let go of that channel to the parts of you that were also very much alive, as well as the parts of you that didn't know what you were doing and were scared of uncertainty and doing this mom thing for the first time.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I love the way you just described that.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's really um, it's really profound.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I think for for for me and for a lot of moms I've talked to, um, you know, it it is different being the mom than being the dad.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say I do work less and my career not suffered, but took a dip or kind of plateaued more than my husband's did.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um I I do think the mom role and the dad role are different.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I also just really surrendered and accepted and made peace with the fact that it was a season.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I now enjoy motherhood.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_00: I I delegate and outsource a lot of it that I don't like, um, like cooking and cleaning and like a lot of those stuff.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know not all moms have that freedom.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm and I'm totally grateful for it.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there's other sacrifices in my life that I make so that I can have that.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or I won't say sacrifices, choices.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_00: Choices, yep.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I choose to work less.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: I could work more.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I could, and I would enjoy working more.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I also know my daughter's three and a half.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I, she's not gonna be little forever.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm making a choice that feels really honoring to her, to me, and to this season I am in life, because my my earning potential and career is infinite and my time with her is finite.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've really had to come to a both and, and maybe this is sort of coming to your question on balance.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, is um to me, because I don't love the word balance either, it's like knowing that things can change.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, I've really had to look at what season are we in right now?
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what season am I in with my child or for people that have children?
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: And like, what's gonna work the best in this in this particular season?
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't feel balanced at all times.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: And there are times when I'm working at 10 o'clock at night after she's in bed, and there are times where I'm canceling things, and my work life doesn't look like it does before motherhood, but I just don't make that wrong, you know, and I also don't expect balance because I just don't know how it's how it's possible.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think the thing, and I'll I'll kind of wrap it up with this.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_00: The thing for me that has been most helpful is structure and routine.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I like an early bedtime.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: We do an early bedtime that works really well for me and my family.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we have a routine in terms of support.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes, as we talked about, there's no certainty and there's no predictability.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I have found that structure and routines work really well for me and my family because it I know when I'm gonna work, it gives me a sense of balance and it it works well.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like when people say, Oh, we're having this event at 6:30, kids are welcome.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: My family doesn't go because that messes up dinner and bedtime.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: And unless it's something I really, really want to go to, I'm like, no, that's when we're doing our bedtime routine.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: And having those that to me, that doesn't feel rigid.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: That that structure actually gives me a lot of freedom.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: It is based on your values, right?
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's that that is so gosh, just to it is really coming full circle.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you're you have given yourself permission to get curious, you and your family have to get curious about what are our values and how do we make decisions, how do we make routine-based decisions or yes or no decisions that are in line with our values?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it's okay to make decisions in line with your values, even if people are disappointed by those things, right?
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're also talking about flexibility and fluidity and context, which is the opposite of rigid parenting, right?
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_01: So that we can move in and out of things knowing that in the big picture, we're looking for feelings, we're looking to feel a certain way, fulfilled, connected, purposeful, rested, right?
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_01: Creative, motivated, all whatever your answer is, whatever someone's answer is.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that involves making different choices at different times within the structure, the value-based structure.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Christine, I just adore you.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: I really likewise.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very grateful for you.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_01: Appreciate you coming here to talk on this platform and she share your insights and your struggles, your vulnerabilities, and all your wins.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, can you tell people where they can find you if they want to learn more about you and your work?
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, sure.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my podcast, I coach people on the air.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then I also have guests.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: Kate, you've been on the show.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's Life Coaching with Christine Hassler.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then my name is my website, my Instagram, and all those things.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_01: We'll make sure everything is linked in the show notes so that people can find more about you and your work.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, any parting words of wisdom, which is a really interesting question to ask.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_01: I think we all need mama mentors.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think that uh many people that listen to this podcast and others don't have communities uh to go to.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so if there's someone listening right now who's really in the thick of it and is feeling so much anxiety, guilt, overwhelm.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_00: What little I want to say something to that person and the person that may not be feeling that much guilt or overwhelm.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_00: So to the person who is really feeling in it, you're not alone.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're so not alone.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_00: The more I've been out about how motherhood has actually been for me, the more other mothers have been like, oh my God, me too.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like me too.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so you're not, you're not alone and get get support, whatever that looks like, because it is it is possible you don't have to suffer through it.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think that another misconception about motherhood is it just has to be hard.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_00: And like you just have to suffer through it, and that's just part of it.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and to the woman that doesn't maybe think anything's wrong, like I didn't think I had postpartum depression and anxiety because I was still highly functioning.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so and I waited a little too long to get help.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I would just say, like, even if you don't aren't struggling that much, um, if any of this feels new or overwhelming in any way, like find your support team soon because it's it's almost easier to start laying new patterns and foundations when things aren't really bad, like when you haven't hit your rock bottom.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think any of us in motherhood need allies and need support and need real true guides like you, Kate, who have both the professional training and the lived experience of motherhood who can can shine a light on the path and go, Oh, I know where you are right now.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: And here are some things that can help.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_01: All right, listeners, if you found this episode helpful in any way, or if there's someone in your life who you think might benefit from hearing it, I would be so grateful if you take just a moment to subscribe, rate, review, or share this episode with a friend.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, it does feel good to know this podcast is resonating with you.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_01: But honestly, the bigger reason I ask is because the more subscriptions, ratings, and reviews the podcast receives, the more accessible it becomes to mothers who may really need this kind of support and conversation.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_01: And as we all know, motherhood was never meant to be done alone.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_01: But it really does take a village to raise a mom too.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for helping us grow this community, one conversation at a time.