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Stepping Off the Treadmill · Lean Out Podcast

0:06
Welcome to the lean out podcast.
0:08
I'm your host, Dr.
0:09
Don baker.
0:10
Are you looking for a new approach to finding authentic and sustainable work-life balance?
0:15
You've come to the right.
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Place.
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For inspiration.
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information.
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and a community.
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community.
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of like-minded.
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Professionals.
0:21
Let's get to the show.
0:28
Hello?
0:29
Hello.
0:29
Thanks for being here.
0:31
I just realized that amazingly the are less than a hundred days left in this year.
0:36
What have you been wanting to do that?
0:38
You haven't started yet?
0:39
Is there a goal or a project that isn't finished?
0:43
If you need that nudge to take your work life balance in a different direction.
0:47
Consider one-on-one coaching with me.
0:49
Details can be found@mywebsitepracticebalance.com slash coaching.
0:55
You can read about my services there and also set up a free discovery call where we can talk about your concerns and how coaching might help.
1:03
In this solo cast episode, I'm sharing my most favorite chapter of lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance.
1:11
This is chapter five, titled stepping off the treadmill.
1:15
This is the chapter where the book takes a turn from criticizing the lean in culture and setting up the current problems faced by women and high octane professions.
1:24
It acknowledges that the system is broken.
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But stresses that you have the power to make changes instead of waiting for a slow evolution of culture.
1:33
Chapter five also addresses many of the common belief systems that hold us back from leaning out right now.
1:40
When you understand these and recognize your own patterns in them, you can then do the work to cultivate the confidence and vision for your lean out journey.
1:49
As a primer to this episode and the reading of the chapter I'm going to read the sidebar.
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That is included on page 47.
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It's called the truths of the treadmill.
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Number one.
2:00
Even though it costs a lot to replace you.
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You are easily replaceable.
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Number two.
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There is no loyalty in the workplace.
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Number three.
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You are not a savior, your clients and patients will be okay without you.
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Number four.
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Many people are worried about what others think of them, but most of the time people are too busy thinking about themselves.
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Number five.
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You can have allegiance to your clients and patients, and also to yourself at the same time.
2:31
What do you think of these?
2:32
Are these truth bombs or am I completely off the mark?
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Share your thoughts by sending me a DM on Instagram or leaving a comment on the post associated with this episode@practicebalance.com.
2:44
And now for the chapter.
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Chapter 5.
2:50
Stepping off the treadmill.
2:52
You do well, and people give you praise, and you want to continue doing well.
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But I hadn't asked myself the why, and really developed a sense of self worth and self love, independent of those achievements.
3:04
Physician and CrossFit champion, Julie Fouché.
3:09
In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg mentions seeing women leaning back at the boardroom table, as if to say, I'm not sure I want to commit at this level, or I'm not cut out for being at the table.
3:21
She tells women that the time to pay attention to work life balance is when something happens or when a child is born.
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I propose that time is now.
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You do not want to get to a point when, as she says, a break is needed.
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Because most likely you'll be suffering with one of the costs mentioned earlier.
3:39
It is not lazy, irresponsible, nor unprofessional to consider and possibly give up your position on the treadmill of achievement.
3:48
On the contrary, cultivating self awareness and making needed changes to your work life balance is the most responsible thing you can do.
3:55
For yourself, for your family, and for your patients and clients.
4:00
It takes courage to step off the familiar treadmill and onto an unworn, unconventional path.
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To your own fulfillment.
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This is not about leaning back.
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It's about leaning out.
4:13
Women are particularly susceptible to the trappings of the treadmill of achievement.
4:17
Women consistently score higher than men on the trade of agreeableness and psychological testing.
4:23
They often have a difficult time rocking the boat and tend to lean toward maintaining cooperation and harmony.
4:30
As Sheryl Sandberg pointed out in lean in women are on average, less confident in their abilities.
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Especially those that confer adaptability and innovation.
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In her mind, women tend to lean back instead of taking on a big project or speaking up about a promotion, and thus they do not end up on the path to coveted leadership roles.
4:51
In my mind, this is not the issue.
4:53
Yes, women frequently lack the self confidence to ask for exactly what they want.
4:58
The problem is, in many cases, they don't even know what they want because they've been keeping their heads down on the treadmill, doing the work, and watching their feet pound the treads.
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All the while absorbing outside messages about what they think they should want.
5:13
Truths of the treadmill.
5:15
Even though it costs a lot to replace you, you are easily replaceable.
5:20
There is no loyalty in the workplace.
5:23
You are not a savior.
5:25
Your clients and patients will be okay without you.
5:29
Many people are worried about what others think of them, but most of the time people are too busy thinking about themselves.
5:37
You can have allegiance to your clients and patients, and also to yourself, at the same time.
5:43
What's keeping you from leaning out?
5:46
The momentum of the treadmill is so strong, it can feel daunting to think about taking that first step onto solid ground.
5:54
Why might you not feel so courageous to ask for a unique work schedule?
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To take an unexpected career turn?
6:00
Or to say no to increased responsibilities?
6:03
Here are some common thoughts and feelings that might be causing you to refrain from leaning out.
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By identifying which ones apply to your situation, you will learn to separate the truth from the fiction.
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Fixed Mindset I grew up thinking that all my personality traits were set in stone.
6:22
I was smart, good at English, and I loved art and music.
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On the flip side, I was decidedly not outdoorsy, rugged, nor strong.
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Yet somehow I ended up rock climbing, living on the road, and pursuing scientific career paths.
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Fixed Mindset My choices defied so many of the things I had been told in those early adult years by my parents, my teachers, other people, and even me about who I was.
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I ended up accidentally proving the tenets of what psychologist and researcher Carol Dweck refers to as the growth mindset.
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People who have a growth mindset view weaknesses, challenges, and setbacks as opportunities to learn.
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They realize they can change their circumstances with persistence, new learning, and hard work.
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People who continue with a fixed mindset do not open themselves to the possibilities outside their comfort zones.
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Neuroplasticity research has shown that our brains can rearrange their well worn circuitry of thinking to form new pathways.
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We can learn new skills, take new paths, and adapt to change.
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When you embrace a growth mindset, you release limiting beliefs about what you can and can't do.
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Suddenly, all the things you've written off about your work or life situation seem possible.
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Victim Mindset As an extension of the fixed mindset, you might see yourself as a victim of your circumstances.
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This results in a feeling of powerlessness.
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In the burnout realm, there is a lot of talk about moral injury.
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The system is broken and there is evidence of it everywhere.
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A study of primary care physicians found that to provide adequate preventative and chronic disease care based on payer standards, doctors would need 27 hours per day.
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High workplace demands with low resources in a toxic culture of favoritism and non transparency have been described commonly in law firms.
8:20
While these problems should not be diminished, there exists a duality.
8:25
Systems and organizations will need to change.
8:27
An increased awareness of the costs of this culture is helping.
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You cannot control the speed at which the change takes place, but you can control your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
8:39
You don't have to wait for things at work to get better.
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The change must come from within you.
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Doubt.
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Doubt in your abilities you Whether they be work related skills or other abilities such as negotiation, leadership, or entrepreneurial prowess might be keeping you from leaning out.
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These feelings are very common, especially for high achievers.
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Imposter syndrome, a condition where self doubt is amplified to the point of feeling fraudulent, has been reported as high as 70 percent among doctors and lawyers in multiple studies.
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Recognize that you are not alone.
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Famous performers, notably Barbra Streisand, Tom Hanks, and Maya Angelou, expressed feeling like an imposter.
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The rise of the internet and social media has given us access to more information and resources for skills acquisition than ever before.
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A regular person could actually learn to perform like the ranks of those mentioned above.
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The beauty of this is that, as summarized by creative entrepreneur Chase Jarvis, No one cares about your pedigree anymore.
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What was considered standard for our parents is no longer a reality, he said.
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You have every right to be where you are now, and you can do anything you want with the skills you've acquired.
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The sky's the limit.
10:00
Remind yourself of your many amazing accomplishments.
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Revisit your photo archive, journals, resume, CV, and brag sheets to jog your memory.
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Reframe the doubts that show up in your head by employing a growth mindset, as above.
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Maybe you haven't mastered that specific skill.
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Yet.
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Worry.
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Maybe what you want deep down is something entirely different than what you're doing now.
10:26
Are you thinking about a job change?
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A deep cut to your hours?
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Starting your own business, or maybe even a radical shift in your career?
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You might be worried about things like what your co workers, friends, or family will think about it.
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One of my favorite internet memes says, Stop worrying about other people liking you.
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Most people don't even like themselves.
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Interestingly, research on what is called the beautiful mess effect reveals that when people show vulnerability in asking for help or other scenarios, they are viewed by others in a more positive light.
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It's difficult for many of us to accept, but here is one truth.
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What other people think does not matter.
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And even that is questionable because the other people are likely not even having thoughts about you.
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The only opinion that matters is your own.
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Write that down.
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Say it to yourself over and over again.
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Another common worry is about money.
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How can I afford to make a big change?
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Don't let a lack of planning up until this moment deter you.
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Think of the associated non monetary costs.
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What if continuing in your current situation causes you health problems, family issues, or a divorce?
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Being that you're a high achiever, here is another tactic.
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Start saving money now.
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Do whatever you can.
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Open a separate account, cut back on one expense, and earmark that unspent cash for your emergency fund, etc.
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There will never be a perfect time when you feel financially secure enough to make a big switch in your career, but having taken some proactive steps will give you the confidence that you're on the right track.
12:06
Brene Brown, PhD, defines worry as the thinking part of anxiety.
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the negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.
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As such, you can train your brain to bring yourself back to the present moment and out of the doom and gloom future.
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We'll talk more about simple mindfulness techniques in chapter 9.
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Fear.
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Evolutionarily, fear is a swift, present moment emotion that protects us from physical harm.
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If you feel paralyzed by fear of leaning out, question what you're really most afraid of.
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If you're Likely it's not impending harm.
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What you're probably feeling is anxiety and vulnerability at the idea of exposing your authentic self and your true desires.
12:49
In The Atlas of the Heart, Dr.
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Brown also discusses how anxiety and excitement register similarly in the brain.
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Perhaps what you're feeling can be reframed in a positive light.
13:01
In high achieving professions with so many tests and hoops that must be jumped through, we've been conditioned to fear failure.
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Failure doesn't have to be a bad thing.
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It's an essential part of life.
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We can reframe failure as well.
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What if it were easy?
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What if no one batted an eye?
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Coaching client Rebecca knew from the start that she wanted to negotiate lower work hours for her private practice anesthesiology job.
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But she felt stuck in her own mind.
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She was teetering on the edge of burnout.
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Long days in the operating room and frequent nights on call drained her energy to the point where she wasn't able to be present with her toddler when she was home.
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There was only one other physician in her group who worked a reduced clinical load and that person had done a poor job of negotiating and maintaining the necessary boundaries.
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Rebecca could not follow in those footsteps.
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She would have to design and propose her own arrangement to the partners.
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However, she was relatively new to the practice, only a couple years out of fellowship.
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She feared what the partners would think of her, and she feared repercussions.
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Her thoughts were, it would look bad for me to ask for a lighter schedule at this point in my career.
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I'm one of the only specialty fellows.
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What will they think?
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What will I do if I completely screw this job up?
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Rebecca was still in the fear based mindset many of us can relate to.
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Residency mode.
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She still saw herself as the lowest of the low, paralyzed by the fear that if she messed up, she could be hurt, usually with more work and less sleep, by people more senior.
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Many physicians in training live in this mode for years, and it does not just fade away once the training phase is complete.
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This thought pattern becomes ingrained, and it's tough to get rid of.
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After finally letting go of the fear and asking for what she needed, Rebecca said to me in follow up, I was surprised there wasn't more blowback.
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Work became pleasurable again, and she was able to view call nights as a challenge instead of dreading them.
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Most importantly, she was able to enjoy being with her family again during critical years of her child's life.
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There's rarely as much blowback as you think there will be.
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People are too caught up in their own dramatic stories to care much about what you do.
15:21
Guilt.
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You might have guilt related to leaning out because the change you want to make means you'd have to leave your patients, clients, co workers, or other team members.
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Maybe you feel guilty that you're not dedicating enough to the calling of your chosen profession.
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You wasted a spot in medical school, law school, or the like.
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As the trolls put it, the feeling of guilt comes from not meeting a set standard or not following a rule.
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While guilt is a very useful and important emotion when we've actually done something wrong, it muddies the waters when the deviation in question is from a completely made up standard.
16:01
You might have made it up or it might have been fabricated by the culture.
16:05
Pick a rule that you identified from the previous chapter and remember that rule might not be based on anything other than arbitrary standards you think you need to meet.
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If you lean out, are you doing something wrong?
16:18
Who are you hurting?
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It's not your job to be a savior.
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Shame.
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While guilt stems from feeling you've done something wrong, shame encompasses a wider feeling that you are what is wrong.
16:32
Shame burrows deeply into your sense of self worth.
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The needs to do more and to be perfect are both rooted in shame.
16:40
Many women, me included, grew up wanting everyone to like them.
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We have historically felt the need to prove we're worthy by doing, but also prove we're likable by appearing perfect and never rocking the boat.
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The foundation of shame is judgment and lack of love for yourself.
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So, to stand up for yourself and what you want out of your life, you must bring the love back.
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Cultivate self awareness.
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Learn your triggers, the origin of your shame, usually things said and done when you were growing up, and your default coping mechanisms.
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Grow your self compassion by treating yourself the way you would treat a dear friend, or better yet, your own child.
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Depending on how deep your shame runs, it might be a good idea to work with a therapist and or a coach.
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See chapter 9 for more on these concepts.
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All or nothing thinking.
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When I was burned out and ill, I pondered the ultimate question.
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Should I quit medicine and go work at Starbucks or get a job at the local climbing gear shop?
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I was blinded by all or nothing thinking.
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If I couldn't practice anesthesiology at the highest, most prestigious level, then I should just forget it and go work retail.
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What about the in between?
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If I had really gone down the rabbit hole of leaving my residency, there are so many other things I could have investigated.
18:02
medical devices, pharma, medical writing, and consulting.
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As time goes on, this kind of list only grows when you suffer from all or nothing thinking.
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A complete pivot to a different industry could be the solution to your work life balance problems.
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But if you're feeling unbalanced in your current work situation, that doesn't mean you have to leave.
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Order a different arrangement that's not on the menu.
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Part time, virtual days, job sharing, a sabbatical, or even just a shift in roles.
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Just because no one has asked for it before doesn't mean you can't be the first.
18:39
There are so many shades of gray in between the black and white that most people see at work.
18:45
Sunk cost fallacy.
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An extension of all or nothing thinking is the sunk cost fallacy.
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It's easy to think that if you spent so long training to work in your field, you have to do it all the way in order to be worthy.
19:00
Any career path will give you specific skills and also cultivate your innate strengths.
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Do you know what yours are?
19:07
Make sure to complete the exercise at the end of Chapter 2.
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They can likely translate to many different work possibilities.
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Remember that, while you might still owe money in loans related to schooling, you owe no one any particular amount of time.
19:23
You did not pursue your profession to feel enslaved by it.
19:27
Everything has a cost, and as discussed above in the worry section, that includes not taking action.
19:34
Confusion.
19:36
Maybe things have been feeling off.
19:39
Perhaps you're developing some negative habits or even some health issues.
19:43
Maybe you're overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things on your to do list on a daily basis.
19:49
You might feel the need for change, but you don't even really know what you want.
19:54
In many of my Facebook groups for women physicians, I frequently read anonymous posts that start like these.
20:01
I'm trying to decide if I should leave clinical medicine or if I'll have regrets.
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I'm not sure what I'm looking for, commiseration or permission.
20:10
I really need some advice on a life changing decision.
20:14
Asking for advice from others is fine, but the root of confusion is a fundamental lack of understanding of yourself.
20:21
Read on for ways to take much needed time for self inquiry and develop deeper self knowledge, which will help you figure out your direction.
20:31
The rest of this book focuses on how to find the courage to move forward and design your authentic work life balance.
20:37
If Courage doesn't have to mean quitting.
20:40
It means showing the world more of what makes you, you.
20:44
Being true to what you value most and being unapologetically determined to take the steps.
20:50
It means showing yourself the kind of integrity you've worked so hard to bring to your clients, colleagues, and patients.
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Exercise.
20:59
Break the rules.
21:00
You don't have to experience a major crisis to wake up to a life you didn't really sign on for.
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You can break your own rules.
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First, you must identify them.
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A good way to start is to think of all the roles you have in your life, all the instruments in your orchestra.
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Some that might come up for you include doctor, lawyer, engineer, dentist, accountant, mother, Daughter, sister, wife, caregiver, athlete, entrepreneur, even just woman.
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Write them all out on a piece of paper or in a journal, and then brainstorm the unwritten rules you abide by for each role.
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While reflecting on all the rules you've identified, ask yourself, is this rule absolutely true?
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Is this rule serving me?
21:50
Where did this rule come from?
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What would really happen if I break this rule?
21:55
Melina's Journey.
21:59
Do what you love and the money will follow.
22:02
Melina gave this advice for anyone who has concerns about how they might weather the financial insecurities of leaning out.
22:09
She spent years in marketing for high powered clients, including a ski resort chain in the Lake Tahoe area.
22:15
As an early adopter of marketing in the digital age, making herself always available had its costs.
22:22
I ended up working with phenomenal clients all around the world, but at the same time sleeping with my phone, she said.
22:29
She decided that this kind of work life was not sustainable.
22:33
I wanted to find a way that I could fit my work into my life instead of the other way around, she said.
22:40
She and her husband decided to take a 10 day trip to Baja California Sur, Mexico.
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Little did they know there would be absolutely no internet available.
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A time in solitude, in nature, and away from devices allowed her to be present and reconnect with her values.
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She also connected with her fears, which put her in a deep state of flow.
23:00
She was forced to pay complete attention in the moment.
23:04
On this trip, they decided to try kiteboarding lessons.
23:07
It was a super scary experience and the only time I was ever able to fully focus on something outside of work.
23:14
Melaina had spent plenty of time outside hiking and skiing before, and she was no stranger to meditation and yoga.
23:21
But nothing had ever given her that complete sense of flow like kiteboarding.
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Also, she said, The feeling of fear made me feel human and vulnerable.
23:31
During this experience, Melaina realized she had been missing out on living and needed to return to finding joy in things outside of work.
23:39
That intense flow experience, the sense that time either speeds up or stands still while you are fully engaged and immersed in an activity, also opened up a world of inquiry for Milena.
23:50
She immersed herself in studies of mindfulness practices and the neuroscience of well being.
23:55
This is where her business, Unhustle, was born.
23:59
Through her company, Milena challenges others to examine their work addiction and build in adequate recovery systems through play, immersive experiences, and mindfulness practices.
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Her daily work now looks like deep, creative time developing visual messaging, writing projects, corporate wellness offerings such as speaking in retreats, and a book.
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This is sandwiched by her own mindfulness practice and time spent outdoors, doing things she loves on the water, like kiteboarding and paddleboarding.
24:30
And Melaina and her husband recently moved full time to Baja.
24:34
While Melaina now defines success as being grounded in her values, it's Living in a place she loves, and doing what she loves.
24:41
She is still in the position where she must market herself to spread her message.
24:46
Accordingly, her biggest challenge is still dealing with my ego and my internal hustle.
24:52
She manages her comparison to others by having a strong belief in why she made the changes she did.
24:58
After a transformation born out of fear, Melaina's best advice for women who find themselves stuck on the treadmill of achievement is to find your courage.
25:07
Thank you for watching! Be more pirate, she says.
25:10
Have a purpose and a mission you're willing to die for, even if it's just your family.
25:15
She encourages others to view their worries without financial insecurity by reversing the way they look at money.
25:21
Wealth is so much more than money, she says.
25:24
Wealth is your health, your relationships, and your sense of purpose and contribution.
25:29
Many people have it backward in that they think making lots of money will facilitate fun, passion, and purpose later in life.
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Malena urges you to search out your why now, and the money will follow.
25:44
Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast.
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If you find these conversations inspiring and useful, please forward them to a friend and also leave a review on iTunes or Spotify so that other people can find them easier.
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If you want to get in touch with me, you can find me at my website, practice balanced.com, where you can subscribe to my newsletter and get updates regularly about new podcast episodes, blog posts, speaking, engagements, and coaching services.
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You can also support my work by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance for yourself, a friend, family member, or coworker.
26:28
Have a great day and we'll see you next time