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Is it better to have an absent parent or a present parent that is toxic? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're answering the question, is it better to have a
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  toxic parent or an absent parent?
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  If you're new here. My name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
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  another episode of the Narcissist Code.
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  Boom. I feel like I just got raised
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  from the dead, right? Yeah, y'all.
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  So this is a tough question to answer right here.
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  Y'all, A lot of people ask this. A lot of people debate this
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  right here. And this is just my perspective
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  as a diagnosed narcissist. Y'all this is, this is I Look,
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  I'm open to debate. Not that this.
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  I'm open to debate, not disrespect.
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  You know, I like we can debate, not disrespect.
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  We can do this D word, not the other D word.
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  You know, before we hop into today's episode, y'all make sure
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  you check out my kids book. Remember, it's not your fault to
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  help kids deal with toxic households and setting
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  boundaries and tell them the truth and things like that.
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  It's valuable on Amazon. But yes, y'all, yeah, so my
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  perspective on this right here, y'all, if you're dealing with a
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  narcissistic person, a narcissist, what movie I think
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  I'm dealing with in these spaces, is it better that that
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  narcissist is around or absent, huh.
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  Huh. And so this the dilemma, isn't
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  it? Because you see a lot of people
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  and I see I get the, you know, you get the both sides dilemma
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  where people are just like, well, I understand both sides.
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  Like kids need both their parents in their lives.
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  Kids need both parents around and being active and things like
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  that, regardless if their parent is toxic, they need both parents
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  in their life. So this is me right here.
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  Y'all. I truly believe that this is my
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  thought process right here and I'm over again.
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  Y'all I'm open. I think just for me it to me
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  it's better to have that absence.
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  This is just for me right here. And I'm look, I'm going to side
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  both sides right here. I'm going to do both sides.
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  I understand it right here. But.
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  But to me, if you are making the argument that it's better to
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  have an absent parent, this is how my mind goes on it right
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  here. At least they're not around the
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  toxicity. At least they don't have that
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  toxic neglect that they that they experience.
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  But I mean both both are abusive.
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  Yeah, both is a form of, like, emotional abuse.
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  Willful absence is still typically considered neglect,
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  neglectful, or, you know, emotionally abusive and
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  emotionally neglectful and whatnot.
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  But to me, it's just like, it's better to not have that parent
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  in the picture. Being emotionally manipulative,
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  being emotionally abusive, being sometimes physically abusive.
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  Sometimes they can physically hurt their kids.
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  You know, that present toxic parent.
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  No matter if it's they, if they're still living in the same
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  household or they get 5050 custody, or they get every other
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  weekend, Whatever it is, I believe that the absence is
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  better than the presence because I just like when they are
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  around, right? With a narcissistic parent,
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  they're toxic and they're around.
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  They can try to brainwash the kid, you know, because they
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  they're not. A lot of them are not
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  emotionally connected to the kids, you know.
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  So it really just depends on the that connection that they have
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  to the kids. Some of them are present but
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  absent at the same time. Some of them are present and
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  neglectful. But to me, I just feel like if
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  you are around this person, if you're around that, if that
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  parent is consistently around and in the picture 100% of the
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  time, it's just like the kid doesn't have, the kid doesn't
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  stand a chance sometimes, You know, even if the other parent
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  is around 100% of the time, combating that, the other parent
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  is getting the emotional and physical abuse sometimes as
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  well, you know? So if you're in a relationship,
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  if you're in a relationship or marriage or whatever, y'all are
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  living together, trying to cohabitate and trying to parent
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  a child together, you you are getting emotionally
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  narcissistically abused or sometimes physically abused and
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  so is your kid. You know?
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  If you are getting abused and you are trying your best to love
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  your kid, it's almost, almost impossible.
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  Y'all to give your kid full love and care.
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  If you are a victim of abuse yourself, you know, because the
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  kids get it too. So in that household, in that
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  household right there, where that parent, that toxic parent
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  is present 100% of the of the time, it's like the kids don't
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  stand the chance to have an emotionally, any kind of
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  emotional safety. You know, the kids in that
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  household tend to retreat within themselves because they can't
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  express themselves emotionally for fear of retribution, for
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  fear of being emotionally attacked, for fear of being, you
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  know, emotionally beat up or whatever.
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  Sometimes physically beat up, you know, because the physical
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  abuse is not, it happens too, though they physically abuse the
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  kids too, you know. So for me, I just, I I would
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  personally just think that the absence is better just don't be
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  around, you know. Well, I, I, I, yeah.
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  Can your kid suffer from you? Not from that toxic parent not
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  being around. Yeah.
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  Absolutely. Yes, absolutely, 100%.
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  Yes. I am one of the parents.
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  I'm like I said when you look at the when I look at it, my dad is
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  probably highly narcissistic, right.
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  He's probably got a lot of narcissistic qualities, a lot of
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  narcissistic traits. I don't know him good enough to
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  just say, Oh yeah, my dad's narcissist.
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  I know he had childhood trauma. I know his his dad unalived
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  himself and I think my dad found him.
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  You know, I think that did transpire.
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  I think that played out right there.
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  Well, my, I said my dad found his dad unalive at like 7 or 8
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  years old. And that contributed to my dad
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  just not being being emotionally sunted, not not growing up
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  emotionally. You know, there was a big
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  contribution to that right there in that space.
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  So, but the way my mind is working on the space right now,
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  we're working within this dynamic is just like, OK, my dad
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  went through this. My dad suffered, My dad had this
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  happen to him and whatnot, you know?
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  But it just goes into that space, into that dynamic where
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  even though he wasn't around, yeah, I felt that neglect and
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  whatnot. But I feel like if he was around
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  100% of the time his, his emotional neglect would have
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  been felt even worse because his his presence would have been
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  there. But he's just like being ignored
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  would have just seemed like it would have hurt more, you know,
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  being physically present and being emotionally ignored is a
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  wild dynamic. You know?
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  It just, it just does. It just happens that way
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  sometimes. Like, I'm not, this is not to
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  judge anybody that because you can't control whether or not the
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  toxic parent is involved unless you get restraining orders and
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  things like that or full custody and stuff like you can't control
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  it. But in my mind, I would just
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  feel like the absence is better, you know, Because at least you,
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  especially if you are an emotionally healthy parent or
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  the other parent, is an emotionally healthy parent.
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  You can just pour love into that child, you know.
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  You can pour love into that child.
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  You can. You don't have to talk negative
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  about the other parent being absent.
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  You know the child can grow up and make their own decisions and
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  make their own formulate their own thoughts about their absence
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  when it when the time comes. But I just feel like if you are
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  there for them emotionally, if you reassure them, if you
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  validate them consistently, they have a better chance of coming
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  out. You know, emotionally strong as
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  opposed to, you know, having a toxic person that's around 100%
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  of the time or 50% of the time or 25% of the time.
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  Well, however often they they that they are around, you know,
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  I see this in my, I see this in my my real life sometimes with
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  toxic parents that, you know, abandoned or don't or or are not
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  there for their kids. You know, the the both of the
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  kids struggle. The kids do struggle.
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  But I just feel like they understand it from a different
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  perspective. Like especially if they
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  understand that they kind of grow up and they they get smart
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  enough to know that their parent or other parent, you know,
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  struggle mentally. They have mental.
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  They have their own mental health issues and whatnot.
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  You know, they can help with some grace and some empathy
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  towards their absent parent. But a toxic, abusive parent
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  that's consistently around is like the the kids might grow up
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  and distance themselves anyway, you know, the kids might grow
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  up. Understand that this person is
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  neglectful and abusive and distance themselves as adults.
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  They just distance themselves as adults.
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  She's like, I don't want to talk to you no more.
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  I'm done with you. We don't.
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  We don't need to be here. We don't need to.
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  We don't need to speak. We don't need to interact.
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  You know, you're my parent and that's it.
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  Sometimes that happens as well, you know, but it's a whole, it's
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  a it's a different world now. Y'all that we that a lot of
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  people face. A lot of people deal with a lot
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  of people who struggle and a lot of people battle with right now.
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  So for me, like I said, especially like and this is what
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  I just tell people this is. I say that.
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  I say all that to say this right here, Y'all if you are dealing
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  with a, you are dealing with a situation where you have a toxic
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  parent that you're trying to Co parent with, you can't force
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  them to be a parent. That's what I'm saying right
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  there. Like if they are willfully
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  absent, you might can go out to them financially, but you can't
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  force them to be a parent time wise because that's when they
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  like if you try to force the time on them, they that's when
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  they can get very emotionally neglectful, very emotionally
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  abusive, very emotionally. They they just disconnect from
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  the kids, you know, they just disconnect from their kids and
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  whatnot in person. And that's.
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  And that sucks. Like I said, it's neither
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  situation is easy. Y'all.
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  And like I said, that's why I'm saying I'm not judging anybody
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  for whichever decision that you make.
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  Like neither decision is easy. Neither way is easy.
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  Like both the kids are going to struggle regardless.
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  But for me, I feel like they have a better fighting chance if
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  the toxic person is just gone. Not dead, you know, of course,
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  but just out of the picture. Just not here, just not around,
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  so to speak. Because even though you have to
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  struggle with that, Even though they struggle with their
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  absence, their present, the the present emotional neglect that
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  they experience every single day with their parent around or the
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  toxicity or the abuse that they watch the other parent go
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  through. Like if they're.
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  If your kids are watching you get abused, that is.
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  It's like second hand smoke right there.
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  You know, they like if your kids are watching you get abused,
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  that's the second hand abuse. Then they're first hand abuse,
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  they're watching their other parent get abused and they grow
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  up in an abusive household and they think abuse is OK And they
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  they they they might mirror your relationship as an adult.
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  So imagine your kid watching you get abused and they grow up and
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  find an abusive relationship and like that's how my parents were
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  also. I think this is normal, you
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  know, this is normal because this is my parent, my this is my
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  parents relationship. Play it all over, played out all
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  all over again, you know, so that can happen as well where
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  they will they that that can be a space of it right there.
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  Y'all you know, that can be a space.
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  So This is why I'm just trying to help people out.
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  I'm trying to help people understand and trying to help
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  people connect and not this not disconnect.
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  You know that it's like either way the kids are going to
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  struggle, but I feel like they have a greater fighting chance
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  that that toxic parent is just not around.
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  Other people want to disagree. Just like, yeah, the other
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  parent should be if the if the other parent is around and
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  emotionally neglectful, you can make up for you can compensate
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  for that like that that deficit that they're going to
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  experience. I understand that as well.
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  I I get that like say if the other parent chooses the other
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  toxic parent, right. If they choose to be around.
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  I understand you feel like you can make up for the emotional
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  neglect. You know you can make up for the
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  physical physical neglect and whatnot.
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  I feel like I understand that. You know what I say.
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  I understand both sides of the of the dynamic like you feel
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  like you can compensate for the your other other parent not
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  being there and you know you can explain in a way.
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  Sometimes you can just sue, you can soften the blow because
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  sometimes you don't have a choice whether or not they're
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  around you know, but you can soften the blow.
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  You can like you can provide your child with an emotional
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  safe place. Emotional safe place.
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  Because if y'all are Co parenting in different
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  households, then yeah, even if it's 5050, they have a 50% of
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  the time. They have an emotionally healthy
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  household with you. Hopefully, hopefully.
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  If you're emotionally healthy, you know you got to work on you
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  too. They have a emotionally healthy
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  household to go back to, to thrive in.
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  Yeah, the other household might not be healthy at all, but they
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  at least they can come home to you and decompress, you know, at
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  least they can come home to you and survive.
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  Have a chance of surviving and living a healthy life.
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  You know, being with. Y'all thank Y'all for tuning
• 12:18
  into another episode. I'm truly thankful that y'all
• 12:20
  are here with me. Y'all grown with me like and
• 12:23
  subscribe for more. And of course, of course of
• 12:24
  course Mental illness is out peace.
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  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
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  You are a mental illness Rockstar and I appreciate you
• 12:32
  for being here. If you haven't already, make
• 12:34
  sure to click on the screen to subscribe to the channel and
• 12:36
  watch another one of my videos on my playlist.
• 12:38
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• 12:41
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• 12:43
  fault on Amazon, so check that out.
• 12:46
  Thank you. I will see you in the next
• 12:47
  video. Peace.