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Donald Drumpf Theatre #232: Tariffs for the Penguins, Or Was It All a Dream? · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's time again for Donald.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: Drunk.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Theater.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: No one knows what is up or down.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: Jack White.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: Legal or impeachable.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is made believe in Donald.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Drunk.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: Theater.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: So let's pull the curtain back.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: We are controlling transmission.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: If we wish to make it louder.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_03: We will bring up the body.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:33
  You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,
• 0:36
  of things and ideas.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: You've just crossed over into...
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I hear it's fake news, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fake news, okay?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, would I do that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 1:04
  The president of the United States has the authority to do what
• 1:07
  the president has
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: the authority to do.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've declared myself as king.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I learned a lot from Richard Nixon.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: I could cause panic much better than even you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I could do much, I would make you look like a minor league player.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I would get.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: The things that this show has called him,
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: this approach is,
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I guess it's kind of like we're living in the twilight zone.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Honey, wake up.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: You won't believe the dream I just had.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: But don't you want to hear about it?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: What is it?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: You are never going to believe this.
• 1:50
  You know those tariffs Donald Trump announced last week that
• 1:53
  sent stock markets
• 1:54
  crashing and caused a global financial tailspin and sparked
• 1:56
  intense backlash from
• 1:57
  his own supporters on Wall Street and in the Republican Party
• 2:00
  and shattered
• 2:01
  American alliances and used made-up numbers and put tariffs on
• 2:04
  penguins and
• 2:05
  caused his own advisers to engage in a public war of words in
• 2:08
  which one of them
• 2:08
  called the other a moron and forced Trump to issue a statement
• 2:11
  telling everyone to
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: be cool and hang tough,
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: except he accidentally wrote the words Hank Tough,
• 2:16
  which sounds like the name of a fake adviser he would invent to
• 2:20
  blame for his
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: stupid tariff plan.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: Don't blame me.
• 2:22
  Blame senior White House adviser Hank Tough and his buddy,
• 2:25
  the Lemonade Kingpin,
• 2:26
  Mike Hard.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, this...
• 2:28
  might shock you,
• 2:29
  but today Trump paused most of those tariffs for 90 days.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: One day after,
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: his White House said he would not pause tariffs,
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: and about two months after he announced,
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: then paused,
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: then announced,
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: then paused,
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: then announced tariffs on Canada and Mexico,
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: then left them out of the tariff announcement,
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: then said he wouldn't pause them,
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: then paused them?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I mean, at least we're two years into the Trump presidency, right?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: What? !
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's only been 80 days.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: All right, don't freak out.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: Just be cool, everybody.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: Hank tough.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck all you hoes.
• 3:00
  Get a grip, motherfucker.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was all a dream.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: Dream.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then I had this dream.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: The markets are already reacting to Donald Trump's historic election.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's projected win is turbocharging Wall Street.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: Right now, the Dow futures over a thousand points.
• 3:23
  The fence sitters and skeptics are jumping on the Trump
• 3:25
  bandwagon as if the
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: president elect said higher stock prices and lower taxes for all.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: And that's how you get today's action with the Dow gaining 440 points.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: This is to an all time high.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_03: We're stepping into,
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: I would say,
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: the most pro-growth,
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: pro-business,
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: pro-American administration I've perhaps seen in my adult lifetime.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone is incredibly enthusiastic,
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: really about a new administration that's about efficiency,
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: removing the impediments to growth,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: deregulation.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: I think, you know, a lot of confidence that comes from that.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of bankers, they're like dancing in the street.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: Liberation Day,
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: a day so important that it got a special name,
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: but not so important that we don't get the day off for a special cookout.
• 4:15
  Liberation Day fell on a Wednesday this year when Trump laid
• 4:18
  out a sweeping new
• 4:18
  tariff plan he says will restore fairness to world trade by
• 4:23
  adding a 10% surcharge
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: on pretty much everything important to America.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: But some folks had their own names for the big day.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's recession day.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Could be obliteration day.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: Call it a little bit more like a crash test day.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: Hypertension Day, because it's going to give us all a heart attack.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: I call the bash that heads in of your trading partner's day.
• 4:44
  Maybe we should call it libation day because,
• 4:47
  you know,
• 4:47
  Wall Street's all over the place.
• 4:49
  They might start hitting the sauce at 4 o'clock when they
• 4:52
  finally unveil this thing.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe even sooner.
• 4:55
  Yesterday,
• 4:56
  Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: Asia, South America.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_03: Narnia, Arendelle, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: If you can imagine it, Trump slapped a tariff on it.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: And today, the reviews came in.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: Carnage on Wall Street.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Markets falling, tumbling.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: Stocks plunging.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Down, down, down.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: The Nasdaq's getting crushed.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: Small caps are getting crushed.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: This is a shock to the system.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: It is ugly out there.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Worse than worst case scenario.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Stocks are getting slashed and burned.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: $2.5 trillion vaporized.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: $2.5 trillion vaporized.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Your kid's college fund disintegrated.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Your 401k given the death penalty.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: Your pension waterboarded in Guantanamo.
• 5:44
  Those stocks your nana gave you 20 years ago accidentally
• 5:46
  stepped on a landmine
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: while vacationing in Vietnam.
• 5:50
  Economists say we could be on the verge of a recession,
• 5:53
  so things are looking scary right now.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: But don't worry.
• 5:57
  The only thing the president is better at than negotiating is
• 6:01
  speaking soothing
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: words of comfort in times of need.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: We have heard from President Trump.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: He took the Truth Social, wrote this.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: The operation is over.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_03: The patient lived and is healing.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: The prognosis is that the patient will be far stronger,
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: bigger,
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: better,
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_03: and more resilient than ever before.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, I feel so much better now.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: I mean,
• 6:22
  always reassuring when the surgeon comes out screaming at the
• 6:25
  top of his lungs,
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: the patient is fine.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is going great.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: Does anybody have a mop?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: The thing is, the patient didn't need major surgery.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: We just needed a teeth cleaning.
• 6:38
  No one wants to wake up from heart surgery to their dental
• 6:41
  hygienist shouting,
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: I think he's going to live.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: Now look,
• 6:45
  you could argue that it's bad that my retired 78-year-old mom
• 6:49
  is polishing up her
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: resume now,
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: but to Donald Trump,
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: it's all worth it because we're correcting a grave injustice.
• 6:56
  President Trump says the higher penalties come in response to
• 6:59
  tariffs those
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: countries impose on American products they import.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: Reciprocal.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: That means they do it to us and we do it to them.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: Very simple.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's very simple in that it is simply not true.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: All right,
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: the reality,
• 7:15
  the reality is that the numbers on his board are not the
• 7:18
  tariffs other countries
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: are charging us.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_03: They actually represent the trade deficit between the U.S.
• 7:24
  and those countries,
• 7:25
  meaning we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just going to repeat this.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: Those numbers don't represent the tariffs.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: They represent that we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us.
• 7:39
  That means we're basically punishing other countries for
• 7:42
  selling us stuff that we want.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: When Trump made his big tariff announcement at the White House last week,
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_03: he held up a chart that looked like he stole the menu from a drive-thru.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: ticked off a bunch of numbers no one could read or understand.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: India, 52%.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: Switzerland, 61% to 31%.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, look at Cambodia, 97%.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to bring it down to 49%.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: United Kingdom, 10%, and we'll go 10%.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: South Africa, oh, 60%, 30%.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Brazil, 10%, 10%.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Bangladesh, 74%.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: Pakistan, 58%.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: Sri Lanka.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: 88%.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: Why did saying South Africa make him so sad?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: South Africa.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_03: If you're wondering where those numbers came from, I can explain.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: The Office of the USTR,
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: which stands for United States Trade Representative,
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: uses a complicated statistical method.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: They pull those numbers from DTASS, which stands for Donald Trump's ass.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: None of these numbers made any sense.
• 9:05
  And you could tell they didn't make any sense because even
• 9:07
  Trump's cabinet
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: officials couldn't defend it.
• 9:09
  President Trump laid out with a giant graphic of all the
• 9:12
  countries where tariffs
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: were going to,
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: what he called reciprocal tariffs,
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: were going to be imposed.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: And you're imposing a 10% tariff on the Heard and McDonald Islands.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: The Heard and McDonald Islands have zero human inhabitants.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: They have zero exports.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: They have zero imports.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: They do have a lot of penguins.
• 9:30
  Why are you putting import tariffs on islands that are entirely
• 9:34
  populated by penguins?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I mean, come on, Jake.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: Obviously, here's the bottom line.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: We live under a tariff regime from other countries.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: We have too long seen the idea that America goes first.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, come on, whatever.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: Listen,
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: the people that are leading this are serious,
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: intentional,
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: patriotic,
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: the smartest people I've ever worked with.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: That chart is ridiculous for a number of reasons.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: For one thing,
• 10:07
  it features an estimate of tariffs charged to the USA by other
• 10:10
  countries that no
• 10:11
  one could figure out until a financial journalist realized it
• 10:14
  was just how much we
• 10:15
  export to that country minus how much we import from them
• 10:19
  divided by how much we import,
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: which is just...
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: Stunningly done, because those things have nothing to do with tariffs.
• 10:26
  It'd be like trying to figure out the square footage of your
• 10:28
  home by dividing your
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: phone number by your dog's age.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: Or taking your temperature by measuring your head's distance to the sun.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna get you the answer that you're looking for.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now,
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: the White House disputed that claim,
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: releasing this more complicated-looking equation they said they'd use.
• 10:46
  But people quickly pointed out that one symbol meant exports,
• 10:49
  one meant imports.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: And the other two numbers were variables set at four and one quarter,
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: so they canceled each other out,
• 10:54
  meaning it's the same stupid equation everyone said it was in
• 10:58
  the first place.
• 10:59
  Now tariffs,
• 11:00
  my favorite word,
• 11:02
  tariff,
• 11:03
  which of course is short for a tariffic idea.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: They're the backbone of my incredible plan for our economy.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's actually even better than a plan because it's gonna do Magda.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: Magda, make America Great Depression again.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know what, it'll be great.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: It'll be better than great.
• 11:21
  It'll be a fantastic,
• 11:23
  unbelievable depression,
• 11:24
  the likes of which you've never seen before.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: We like to say the likes of which we've never seen before.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know, this depression is gonna be so great.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: We'll be the ones eating the cats and the dogs.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's gonna be fun.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Low and slow, you gotta breeze it.
• 11:39
  You know,
• 11:40
  yes,
• 11:41
  the stock market has crashed temporarily,
• 11:43
  but that is all part of the plan.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's simple economics, okay?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: If the stock market goes down and down and down and down and down,
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: that means there's nowhere to go but up or perhaps further down.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: But we gotta do these tariffs, folks.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_03: We have to.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: No idea why, but we have to do it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's a series of random numbers.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's not actually about tariffs.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's about other countries not buying enough of our stuff.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Although Howard Lutnick, Commerce Secretary, had another way to put it.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, the European Union won't take chicken from America.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: They won't take lobsters from America.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: They hate our beef because our beef is beautiful and theirs is weak.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's unbelievable.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: We can't sell corn to India.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: We can't sell rice to Asia.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Yeah,
• 12:34
  although I'm not sure tariffs are the reason we can't sell rice
• 12:38
  to Asia.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:40
  I'm not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how
• 12:43
  his tariffs work,
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: because he's Donald Trump.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't understand how to make money running a casino.
• 12:47
  The important thing is that there are adults in the room,
• 12:51
  like Scott Besson,
• 12:53
  Treasury Secretary.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: That guy's gonna have the answers we need.
• 12:56
  What do you expect the stock market to look like when it opens
• 12:58
  tomorrow in reaction to this?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: Should we view these as permanent?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: Again, I think we're going to wait and see how this plays out.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: Do you plan on having negotiations before that date?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: I just don't know if there are going to be negotiations.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: Canada and Mexico notably missing on that chart.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: Why is that?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not sure.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: I know nothing.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Nothing.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe they can't give us clarification because there isn't clarification.
• 13:27
  We just assume they have a good reason for imploding the
• 13:29
  economy because why else
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: would you implode the economy?
• 13:33
  But then you uncover something like this and you realize I'm
• 13:36
  not sure they even
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: know what they're doing.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: Every country on the list faces at least 10 percent tariffs,
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: even small,
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: remote places like the Heard and McDonald Islands.
• 13:46
  They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers,
• 13:49
  home to many penguins,
• 13:51
  but no people.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: We put a 10 percent tariff.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: We put a 10 percent tariff on an island that only has penguins.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: Look,
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: I know old people butt dial strangers all the time,
• 14:06
  but this is the first time I've heard of someone butt tariffing
• 14:08
  an entire country.
• 14:10
  President Trump will do nothing that interferes with the
• 14:12
  success of the country,
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: the success of the economy.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's absolutely his number.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: Other than our national defense, that's his number one issue.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I think he's going to be very thoughtful about tariffs.
• 14:22
  Man,
• 14:22
  what a bummer when your money is on thoughtful and then you
• 14:24
  wake up to penguin tariffs.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: AKA the opposite of thoughtful.
• 14:29
  In fact,
• 14:29
  penguin tariffs should be new slang for when someone is deeply unthoughtful.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, my God.
• 14:35
  You got me an Amazon gift card for our anniversary where they
• 14:39
  sold out penguin tariffs.
• 14:42
  It's tariffs where they put things on that make it impossible
• 14:45
  for you to sell a car.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's not a money thing.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: They make it so difficult, the standards and the tests.
• 14:51
  They drop a bowling ball on the top of your car from 20 feet up
• 14:54
  in the air,
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: and if there's a little dent,
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: they say,
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: no,
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry,
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: your car doesn't qualify.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: They drop bowling balls on cars and anvils on heads,
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: and then they paint fake tunnels on the sides of cliffs.
• 15:06
  We have to strap ourselves to rockets to catch them,
• 15:08
  but it doesn't work.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: So you walk across the cavern,
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: and then you realize halfway through,
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: we're standing on thin air,
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: and then we hold up a little sign that says,
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: uh-oh,
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: nobody knows where the little sign comes from,
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: but we always have the little sign.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_03: It comes in handy, and then we fall, and there's a whistling sound.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then a boom!
• 15:27
  And I remember,
• 15:28
  you know,
• 15:28
  Roadrunner came up to me,
• 15:30
  big Roadrunner,
• 15:31
  strong Roadrunner.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_03: One minute he wasn't there, and then he was there, and then...
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Tears pouring down his eyes onto his big cartoon feathers, giant feet.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: And he said to me, he said to me, sir, he said to me.
• 15:42
  Today was the first day of trading on Wall Street since Trump
• 15:46
  slathered our economy
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: in honey and staked it down next to a fire ant hill.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: And the Dow Jones nosedived 1,700 points.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: Joining the S&P and NASDAQ in having their biggest drop since 2020.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: So...
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_03: Worst day for our economy since COVID.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: Just a little reminder, this time he's the disease.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just spitballing here.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_03: Has anyone thought about injecting our money with bleach?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's going very well.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: The markets are going to boom.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: The stock is going to boom.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: The country is going to boom.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: Boom, the traditional sound for when everything stays intact.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: And he's right.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: Today, the market fall down, go boom.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_03: From the day of my election,
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: the stock market went up in my first term,
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: 88% with Nasdaq going up,
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: 155% more than any president has ever had in any term in office by far.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: And I think we're going to blow that away.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe the numbers won't show,
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: but I think they're going to show much better than even those numbers.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_03: So, wait, I heard you right.
• 17:11
  The numbers will be better,
• 17:12
  but also those same numbers might not show it?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: How can numbers be better if numbers don't show it?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, holy .
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: He's going to start changing the numbers, isn't he?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: For too long, 1, 2, and 3 have been the lowest digits.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Today, that changes.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: The high numbers have behaved very badly, oftentimes even savagely.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: Let's not forget that horrible day when 7, 8, 9... Well, you know what?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not an economist.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Who am I to assume this is bad?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: Let's check in with the markets.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe everything is working out great.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: This is an ABC News special report.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Good morning, I'm Diane Macedo.
• 17:49
  We're coming on the air because the stock market is plummeting
• 17:52
  in response to
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: President Trump's escalating trade war.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: The Dow is down more than a thousand points right now at the open.
• 18:00
  Economists are warning these tariffs could cause higher
• 18:02
  inflation and a possible recession,
• 18:04
  with Americans forced to pay more for everything from produce
• 18:07
  to clothing,
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: electronics to cars.
• 18:09
  When President Trump paraded an oversized chart into the Rose
• 18:12
  Garden as part of his
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: pitch for global tariffs,
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: Their plans contain math errors, serious math errors.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: There's the formula.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's gibberish.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: How did they get to those tariff rates?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's sort of a simple formula.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: Multiply 4,733.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: Plus another probably 75 to 150.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_03: Now take that number and cut it in half.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Make it 500,000.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Divided by pi.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: Multiply times the numbers that you wouldn't believe.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Zero with an arrow pointing left.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_03: A massive number, the biggest number ever.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Market fear, yeah, it looks like that.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's been off the charts all day.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: J.P.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: Morgan raises the odds of a global recession to 60%.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: There will be blood.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: This is very bad.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: It is ugly out there.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's a Pepto-Bismol moment.
• 19:05
  Does anyone know the name the administration has for the
• 19:09
  countries that they think
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: are ripping America off the worst?
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_03: The countries formerly known as our allies.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: The dirty 15.
• 19:18
  The dirty 15.
• 19:18
  The dirty 15.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: How many countries comprise the dirty 15 countries?
• 19:29
  It has to be 15 I don't like it when we're this dumb That's
• 19:36
  where we're different.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: I like it better when we're this time
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to say 23.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: 29 countries.
• 19:46
  The dirty 15 actually refers to the 15% of 194 countries in the
• 19:51
  world that are in America.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: So that's 29 countries.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: But actually,
• 19:55
  nobody really knows for sure because the administration has not
• 19:59
  given any clarity
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_03: on who all the countries are.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: I would like to file a motion that we be known as the dirty five.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: Can we be the dirty eight?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, that's better.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: The dirty eight, because there's five of us.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: Now, we have all these tariffs in place from America.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: Question, what can countries affected by these changes do?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: Buy Trump's meme coin.
• 20:28
  I feel like as a sitting congressman,
• 20:30
  I kind of want you to have a better response.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: The whole country does.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 20:36
  his once loyal gaggle of gazillionaires is turning on him
• 20:40
  because they're losing so
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: much money.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: So today he wrote,
• 20:43
  the United States has a chance to do something that should have
• 20:46
  been done decades ago.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: Don't be weak.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_03: Don't be stupid.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: Be strong and stupid.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: Also, don't be a panicking.
• 20:55
  And then in parentheses,
• 20:56
  he explains that means a new party based on weak and stupid people.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: Hey,
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: look,
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not an expert when it comes to the economy,
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_03: but I am an expert when it comes to nicknames.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: And panicking is not going to catch on.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: Stop trying to make fetch happen.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: It's not going to happen.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: J.P.
• 21:13
  Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon in a letter to shareholders says tariffs
• 21:16
  will likely
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: increase inflation,
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: slow the U.S.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: economy and could cause a recession.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: Billionaire hedge fund manager Bill Ackman,
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: who endorsed President Trump's campaign,
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: posted on X that if Trump doesn't pause the tariffs,
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_03: we're heading for a self-induced economic nuclear winter.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_03: I went deep on the numbers today and the numbers did not make any sense.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: What bothered me,
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: Aaron,
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: was that they really did,
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: over and over again,
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: the president said,
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_03: listen,
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: it's going to be reciprocal.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: So you do it, we do it.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: And that was going to be so good.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I really believed in it.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel like a sucker tonight.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: The president urging folks not to panic here.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: He's putting out a tweet saying, be cool.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is going to work out well.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: The U.S.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: will be bigger and better than ever before.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, you take that to the bank.
• 22:02
  Nobody knows more about cool than a 78-year-old golfer with
• 22:05
  words on his hat.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's cooler than an island penguin ripping the U.S.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: off with unfair trade deals.
• 22:12
  So far,
• 22:13
  panicking Skywalker has wiped out $11 trillion since
• 22:17
  Inauguration Day.
• 22:18
  Gone,
• 22:19
  just into thin air,
• 22:20
  but at least we won't have tampons in the boys' bathrooms.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: The markets lost more than $6 trillion in value.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_02: Was this disruption always part of the plan, Mr. Secretary?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: Look,
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: Chris,
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: markets are organic,
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: the animals,
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: and you never know what the reaction's going to be.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_03: One thing that I can tell you is the Treasury Secretary,
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_03: what I've been very impressed with is the market infrastructure,
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: that we had record volume on Friday,
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: and everything is working very smoothly,
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: so the American people can be very,
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: take great comfort in that.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: Relax, that's right.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody curl up and burn a good book.
• 23:04
  The guy who sounds like he's BSing his way through an oral
• 23:08
  report because he didn't
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: read the materials has it all under control.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: And then we have the director of the National Economic Council,
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: Kevin Hassett,
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: who's quite a gifted suckler of teat.
• 23:19
  So if you're saying that he's waiting on great deals and 50
• 23:23
  countries have already
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: come to the table,
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: have any of them been great deals,
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: good enough for him to negotiate with?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen some deals that are great,
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: and President Trump is going to decide if they're great enough.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: But again,
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: after decades and decades of mistreating American workers,
• 23:40
  it's going to be tough to get them to decide to really come to
• 23:42
  the table and sign
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: on the dotted line.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: But when he does,
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: he's going to sign with that big,
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: long,
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: beautiful signature,
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: and he'll have made a great deal for America.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds like Kevin might have some pictures of Trump under his mattress.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: SWIFT retaliation.
• 23:57
  Both China and the European Union are responding to President
• 24:00
  Trump's tariffs.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: China has announced its own retaliatory tariffs, 84 percent on all U.S.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: goods it imports.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: According to the European Union,
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: almonds,
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: orange juice,
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_03: poultry,
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: soybeans,
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_03: steel and aluminum products,
• 24:14
  tobacco and yachts imported from the United States now will
• 24:18
  have a 25 percent levy
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: on them.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: This is not a negotiation.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: It's not the kind of thing you can negotiate away.
• 24:25
  I don't think there's any chance that President Trump's going
• 24:28
  to back off his tariffs.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: The president made it clear yesterday this is not a negotiation.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: Trump posted this morning, my policies will never change.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: Now,
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: Trump is celebrated by putting tariffs on every country in the world,
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: including 104% on products made in China,
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_03: which is probably fine.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, how many products are made in China?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is made in China.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know those stickers that say made in the USA?
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: Those are made in China.
• 24:55
  And when you think about all the stuff we buy from China,
• 24:58
  I mean,
• 24:59
  it's significant.
• 25:00
  I mean,
• 25:00
  for instance,
• 25:02
  this Trump brand reusable water bottle made in China.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_03: This Trump shot glass made in China.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: This Trump windbreaker made in China.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: This Trump American flag hat made in China.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: This Trump flask, this Trump pink thing, all made in China.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_03: One prominent country that is not on the list of tariffs is Russia.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_03: None of this makes any sense,
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: especially because just yesterday,
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's White House said he was definitely not considering a pause.
• 25:35
  Is he considering at all potentially holding off on imposing
• 25:39
  some of them before
• 25:39
  the deadline or maybe later reversing them because he's having
• 25:43
  these negotiations
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_02: and having these good talks with other leaders?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_03: The president was asked and answered this yesterday.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: He said he's not considering an extension or a delay.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: I spoke to him before this briefing.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: That was not his mindset.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_03: He expects that these tariffs are going to go into effect.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: It is 11.59 and 48 seconds,
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: which means we are just moments away from the president's new tariffs.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's President Trump's long-awaited tariff day.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's reciprocal tariff day.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the tariffs are here.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: All right, it is tariff day.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: Happy tariff day, everyone.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's what Trump is replacing Juneteenth with.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_03: This is CNN breaking news.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: The president announcing just minutes ago that he's now,
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_03: authorized a 90-day pause on some of his new tariffs.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: The trade war is over, but it's tariff day.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_03: Notably though,
• 26:40
  the president is raising the tariff applied to China from the
• 26:45
  United States to 125%
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: effective immediately.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: So this pause applies to other countries, not China.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: Trump, I don't understand what happened here.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: You tanked global stock markets.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: You put us on the verge of a recession.
• 26:58
  You told everyone to build factories in America because the
• 27:00
  tariffs wouldn't go away.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then you took them away.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: What happened?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: Did you just get spooked by the markets?
• 27:08
  Is that because of the whiplash that we've been seeing across
• 27:11
  the financial market?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: No, this was his strategy all along.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely brilliant move.
• 27:18
  Brilliant not only economically,
• 27:20
  politically,
• 27:21
  it was good for the American worker.
• 27:22
  He's negotiator in chief,
• 27:24
  he's landing the plane,
• 27:26
  it's the master of the deal.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_03: I mean you're watching the art of the deal in real time here.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_03: Many of you in the media clearly missed the art of the deal.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, the art of the deal.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_03: Create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's truly masterful, Donald.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_03: I don't mean to be dramatic, but this is the worst tariff day ever.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: This whole trade war was launched on incoherent arguments.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_03: You stuck to your guns for incoherent reasons,
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_03: and now you're pulling back for incoherent reasons.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_03: Is there anything you can say that actually makes sense?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_03: No other president would have done what I did.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: No other president.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_03: What is Trump's strategy here with these tariffs?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone's scared.
• 28:10
  There's so much uncertainty and there's no,
• 28:13
  this is no way that you can actually run an economy.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: Desi, be cool, okay?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: Trump knows exactly what he's doing.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: He put tariffs that destroyed the global economy,
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_03: so then he took them off and now it's only mostly destroyed.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_03: Now to avoid tariffs coming back,
• 28:26
  other countries will cut deals with us for better trade terms
• 28:29
  and our deficit drops
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_03: to zero.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_03: Problem solved.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I see.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when we drop all the tariffs.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_03: No, bitch.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: Then we hit them even harder.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: 400% tariffs.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_03: We bomb their factories.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: We catch those penguins on that island and we eat them.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: Then the other countries will really come begging.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: We can get whatever we want, baby.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: Ikea furniture comes assembled.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_03: Honda Accords, trunks full of Nike sneakers.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_03: We'll get to pee on their currency while they watch.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: Then we've won.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: Gross, but fine.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: Then the trade war ends.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, then it makes sense for the trade war to end.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: But psych, bitch, 4 billion percent tariffs.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_03: You're in our house now.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: The new iPhone, $3.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: Nike sneakers comes with a Honda Accord.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: Then we pee on their currency again.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_03: They're not even watching.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's just the only way we can pee anymore.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_03: Olivia, why?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: How does any of this make up the trade deficit?
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Desi, baby girl, it's not the trade deficit.
• 29:37
  This is all to make up for Donald Trump's enormous deficit of
• 29:40
  attention and love.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: He said as much last night.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up, kissing my ass.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_03: They are dying to make a deal.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_03: Please, please make a deal.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: See?
• 29:57
  He's just a boy,
• 30:00
  standing in front of the world,
• 30:03
  asking to have his ass kissed.
• 30:06
  And once the world fills the aching hole in his heart,
• 30:09
  the tariffs will end.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_03: But that will never happen.
• 30:13
  There's not enough attention in the world to make him feel like
• 30:16
  a human again.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly, bitch.