Latest / Classic Drama Book Collection / Demian, The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth - Herman Hesse

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Demian, The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth - Herman Hesse · Classic Drama Book Collection

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Introduction to Damien, the story of Amils Saint Clair's youth.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I wanted only to try to live in obedience to
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: the promptings which came from my true self? Why was
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: that so very difficult? In order to tell my story,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: I must begin far back. If it were possible, I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: should have to go back much further still, to the
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: earliest years of my childhood, and even beyond to my
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: distant ancestry. Authors in writing novels usually act as if
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: they were God, and could, by a broadness of perception,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: comprehend and present any human story as if God were
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: telling it to himself, without veiling anything, and with all
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: the essential details. That I cannot do any more than
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: can the authors themselves. But I attach more importance to
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: my story than can any other writer to his, because
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: it is my own, and it is the story of
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: a human being, not that of an invented, possible idealer,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: otherwise non existent creature, but that of a real, unique,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: living man. What that is a real living man, one
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: certainly knows less today than ever, For men are shot
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: down in heaps, men of whom each one is a precious,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: unique experiment of nature. If we were nothing more than individuals.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: We could actually be put out of the world entirely
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: with a musket ball, and in that case there would
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: be no more sense in relating stories. But each man
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: is not only himself. He is also the unique, quite special,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: and in every case the important and remarkable point where
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: the world's phenomena converge in a certain manner, never again
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: to be repeated. For that reason, the history of everyone
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: is important, eternal, divine. That reason, every man, so long
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: as he lives at all and carries out the will
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: of nature, is wonderful and worthy of every attention. In
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: everyone has the spirit taken shape. In every one, creation suffers.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: In every one is a redeemer, crucified. Few to day
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: know what man is. Many feel it, and for that
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: reason die the easier, as I shall die the easier.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: When I have finished my story, I must not call
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: myself one who knows. I was a seeker and am still.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: But I seek no more into stars or in books.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I am beginning to listen to the promptings of those
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: instincts which are coursing in my very blood. My story
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: is not pleasant. It is not sweet and harmonious, like
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: the fictitious stories. Its macks of nonsense, and perplexity, of
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: madness and dreams, like the lives of all men who
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: do not wish to delude themselves any longer. The life
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: of every one is away to himself, the search for
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: a road, the indication of a path. No man has
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: ever yet attained to self realization. Yet he strives thereafter,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: one plottingly another, with less effort, each as best he can.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Each one carries the remains of his birth, slime and
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: eggshells of a primeval world with him to the end.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Many a one will remain a frog, a lizard, an aunt.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Many a one is top part man and bottom part fish.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: But every one is a projection of nature into manhood.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: To us all the same origin is common our mothers.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: We all come out of the womb. But each of
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: us an experiment, one of nature's litter, strives after its
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: own ends. We can understand one another, but each one
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: is able to explain only himself. End of introduction, Chapter one,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Two Worlds, Part one. I will begin my story with
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: an event of the time when I was ten or
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: eleven years old and went to the Latin school of
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: our little town. Much of the old time fragrance as
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: wefted back to me. But my sensations are not unmixed.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: As I pass in review my memories, dark streets and
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: bright houses and towers, the striking of clocks and the
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: features of men, comfortable and homely rooms, rooms full of
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: secrecy and dread of ghosts. I since again the atmosphere
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: of cozy warmth, of rabbits and servant girls, of household
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: remedies and dried fruit. Two worlds passed there, one through
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: the other. From two poles came forth day and night.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: The one world was my home, but it was even
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: narrower than that, for it really comprised only my parents.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: This world was, for the most part, very well known
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: to me. It meant mother and father, love and severity,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: good example, and school. It was a world of subdued luster,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: of clarity and cleanliness. Here were tender, friendly words, washed hands,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: clean clothes, and good manners. Here the morning Hymn was
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: sung and Christmas was kept. In this world were straight
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: lines and paths which led into the future. Here were
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: duty and guilt, evil, conscience and confession, pardon and good resolutions,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: love and adoration, Bible texts and wisdom. To this world,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: our future had to belong. It had to be crystal, pure, beautiful,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: and well ordered. The other world, however, began right in
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the midst of our own household, and was entirely different,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: had another odor, another manner of speech, and made different
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: promises and demands. In this second world, where servant girls
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: and workmen, ghost stories and breath of scandal, there was
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: a gaily colored flood of monstrous, tempting, terrible, enigmatical goings on,
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  Speaker 1: things such as the slaughter house and prison, drunken men
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: and scolding women, cows in birth throws, plunging horses, tales
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: of burglaries, murders, suicides. All these beautiful and dreadful, wild
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: and cruel things were round about in the next street,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: in the next house. Policemen and tramps passed to and fro,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Drunken men beat their wives. Crowds of young girls flowed
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: out of factories in the evening. Old women were able
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: to bewitch you and make you ill. Robbers dwelt in
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: the wood. Incendiaries were rounded up by mounted policemen. Everywhere
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: see that andreeked this second passionate world everywhere except in
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: our rooms, where mother and father were. And that was
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: a good thing. It was wonderful that here in our
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: house there were a peace, order and repose, duty, and
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: a good conscience, pardon and love. And wonderful that there
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: were also all the other things, all that was loud
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: and shrill, sinister and violent, yet from which one could
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: escape with one bound to mother. And the oddest thing
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: was how closely the two worlds bordered each other, how
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: near they both were. For instance, our servant Lena, as
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: she sat by the sitting room door at evening prayers
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: and sang the hymn with her bright voice, her freshly
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: washed hands laid on her smoothed out apron belonged absolutely
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: to father and mother, to us, to what was bright
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: and proper. Immediately after in the kitchen, or in the
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: wood shed, when she was telling me the tale of
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: the Headless Dwarf, or when she quarreled with the women
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: of the neighborhood in the little butcher's shop, then she
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: was another person, belonged to the other world, and was
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: enveloped in mystery. It was the same with everything and everyone,
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: especially with myself. To be sure, I belonged to the bright,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: respectable world. I was my parent's child, but the other
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: world was present in everything I saw and heard, and
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I also lived in it, although it was often strange
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: and foreign to me, although one had there regularly a
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: bad conscience and anxiety. Sometimes I even liked to live
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: in the forbidden world best, and often the homecoming into
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: the brightness, however necessary and good it might be, seemed
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: almost like a return to something less beautiful, to something
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: more uninteresting and desolate. At times I realized this. My
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: aim in life was to grow up like my father
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  Speaker 1: and mother, as bright and pure, as systematic and superior.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: But the road to attainment was long. You had to
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: go to school and study and pass tests and examinations.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: The road led past the other dark world and through it,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and it was not improbable that you would remain there
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: and be buried in it. There were stories of prodigal
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: sons to whom that had happened. I was passionately fond
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: of reading them. There the return home to father and
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: to the respectable world was always so liberating and so sublime.
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  Speaker 1: I quite felt that this alone was right and good
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  Speaker 1: and desirable. But still that part of the stories, which
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: dealt with the wicked and the profligate, was by far
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: the most alluring, and if one had been allowed to
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: acknowledge it openly. It was really often a great pity
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: that the prodigal repented and was redeemed. But one did
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: not say that, nor did one actually think it. It
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: was only present somehow or other, as a presentiment or
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: a possibility down deep in one's feelings. When I pictured
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: the devil to myself, I could quite well imagine him
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: down below in the street, openly or in disguise, or
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: at an annual fair, or in the public house. But
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I could never imagine him with us at home. My
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: sisters also belonged to the bright world. It often seemed
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: to me that they approached more nearly to father and mother,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: that they were better and nicer manner than myself, without
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: so many faults. They had their failings. They were naughty,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: but that did not seem to me to be deep rooted.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: It was not the same as for me, for whom
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: the contact with evil was strong and painful, and the
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: dark world so much nearer. My sisters, like my parents,
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: were to be treated with regard and respect. If you
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: had had a quarrel with them, your own conscience accused
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: you afterwards as the wrong doer and the cause of
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: the squabble as the one who had to beg pardon
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: for in opposing my sisters, I offended my parents, the
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: representatives of goodness and law. There were secrets which I
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: would much sooner have shared with the most depraved street
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: urchins than with my sisters. On good, bright days when
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: I had a good conscience, it was often delightful to
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: play with my sisters, to be gentle and nice to them,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: and to see myself under a halo of goodness. That
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  Speaker 1: was how it must be if you were an angel.
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  Speaker 1: That was the most sublime thing we knew, to be
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  Speaker 1: an angel, surrounded by sweet sounds and fragrance like Christmas
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  Speaker 1: and happiness. But oh how seldom were such days and
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: hours perfect. Often when we were playing one of the nice, harmless,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: proper games, I was so vehement and impetuous, and I
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: so annoyed my sisters that we quarreled and were unhappy. Then,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: when I was carried away by anger, I did and
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: said things the wickedness of which I felt deep and
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: burning within me even while I I was doing and
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: saying them. Then came sad, dark hours of remorse and contrition.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: The painful moment when I begged pardon, then again a
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: beam of light, a peaceful, grateful happiness, without discord for
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: minutes or hours. I used to go to the Latin school.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: The sons of the Mayor and of the head forester
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: were in my class, and sometimes used to come to
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: our house. They were wild boys, but still they belonged
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: to the world of goodness and of propriety. In spite
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: of that, I had close relations with neighbors, boys children
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: of the public school, whom in general we despised. With
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: one of these, I must begin my story one half holiday.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I was little more than ten at the time. I
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: went out with two boys of the neighborhood. A public
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: school boy of about thirteen years joined our party. He
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: was bigger than we were, a course and robust fellow,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: the son of a tailor. His father was a drunkard,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: and the whole family had a bad reputation. I knew
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Frank cromer Well. I was afraid of him, and was
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: very much displeased when he joined us. He had already
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: acquired manly ways and imitated the gait and manner of
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: speech of the young factory hands. Under his leadership, we
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: stepped down to the bank of the stream and hid
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: ourselves from the world under the first arch of the bridge.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: The little bank between the vaulted bridge wall and the
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: sluggishly flowing water was composed of nothing but trash of
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: broken china and a garbage of twisted bundles of rusty
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: iron wire and other rubbish you sometimes found there useful things.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: We had to search the stretch under Frank Cromer's direction
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: and show him what we found. He then either kept
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: it himself or threw it away into the water. He
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: bid us note whether the things were of lead, brass
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: or tin. Everything we found of this description he kept
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: for himself, as well as an old horn comb. I
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: felt very uneasy in his company, not because I knew
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: that Father would have forbidden our playing together had he
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: known of it, but through fear of Frank himself. I
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: was glad that he treated me like the others. He
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: commanded and we obeyed. It seemed habitual to me, although
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: that was the first time I was with him. At
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: last we sat down, Frank spat into the water and
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: looked like a full grown man. He spat through a
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: gap in his teeth, directing disputem in any direction he wished.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: He began a conversation, and the boys vied with one
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: another in bragging of schoolboy exploits and pranks. I was silent,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: and yet if I said nothing, I was afraid of
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: calling attention to myself and inciting Cromer's anger against me.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: My two comrades had from the beginning turned their backs
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: on me and had sided with him. I was a
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: stranger among them, and I felt my clothes and manner
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: to be a provocation. It was impossible that Frank should
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: like me, a Latin schoolboy and the son of a gentleman,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: and the other two, I felt, as soon as it
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: came to the point, would disown me and leave me
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: in a lurch. At last, through mere fright, I also
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: began to relate a story. I invented, a long narration
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: of theft, of which I made myself the hero. In
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: a garden by the mill on the corner, I recounted,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: I had one night, with the help of a friend,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: stolen a whole sack of apples, and those none of
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: the ordinary sorts, but Russets and golden pippins, the very best.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: In the danger of the moment, I had recourse to
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: the telling of this story, which I invented easily and
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: recounted readily. In order not to have to finish off
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: immediately and so perhaps be led from bad to worse.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: I gave full scope to my inventive powers. One of us,
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: I continued, always had to stand sentinel while the other
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: was throwing down apples from the tree. And the sack
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: had become so heavy that at last we had to
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: open it again and leave half the apples behind. But
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: we returned at the end of half an hour and
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: took the rest away with us. I hoped at the
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: end to gain some little applause. I had warmed to
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: my work and had let myself go in my narration.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: The two small boys waited quiet and expectant, but Frank
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Cromer looked at me penetratingly through half closed eyes and
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: asked me in a threatening tone, is that true? Yes?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I said, really and truly. Yes, really and truly, I
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: asserted defiantly, though inwardly I was stifling through fear. Can
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: you swear to it? I was terribly frightened, but I
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: answered without hesitation. Yes, Then say I swear by God
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: and all that's holy. I said, I swear by God
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: and all that's holy. I go on that he and
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: turned away. I thought that everything was now all right,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: and was glad when he got up and made for
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: the town. When we were on the bridge, I said
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: timidly that I must go home now. Don't be in
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: such a hurry, laughed Frank. We both go the same way.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: He dawdled on, and I did not tear myself away,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: especially as he was actually taking the road to our house.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: As we arrived, I looked at the heavy brass knocker,
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: the sun on the window, and the curtains in my
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: mother's room, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Home
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: at last. What a blessing it was to be at
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: home again, to return to the brightness and peace of
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: the family circle. As I quickly opened the door and
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: slipped inside, ready to shut it behind me, Frank Cromer
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: forced his way in as well. He stood beside me
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: in the cool, dark stone corridor, which was only lighted
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: from the courtyard, held me by the arm and said softly,
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: not so fast. Terrified, I looked at him. His grip
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: on my arm was one of iron. I tried to
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: think what he had in his mind, whether he was
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: going to maltreat me. I wondered if I should scream,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: whether any one would come down quickly enough to save me.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: But I gave up the idea. What's the matter, I asked,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: What do you want? Nothing much. I only want to
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: ask you something, something the others needn't hear. Well, what
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: do you want me to tell you? I must go upstairs.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: You know you know, don't you whose orchard that is
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: by the mill on the corner, said Frank softly. No,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think it's the miller's. Frank had
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: wound his arm around me, and he drew me quite
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: close to him, so that I had to look up
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: directly into his face. His look boded ill. He smiled maliciously,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: and his face was full of cruelty and power. Now, kid,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I can tell you whose the garden is. I have
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: known for a long time that the apples had been stolen,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: and I also know that the man said he would
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: give two marks to any one who would tell him
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: who stole the fruit. Good heavens, I exclaimed, But you
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: won't tell him anything. I felt it was useless to
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: appeal to his sense of honor. He came from the
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: other world for him. Betrayal was no crime. I felt that,
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: for a certainty in these matters, people from the other
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: world were not like us. Say nothing, laughed Cromer. Look here,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: my friend. You think I am minting money and can
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: make two shilling pieces myself. I'm a poor chap and
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I haven't got a rich father like yours. And when
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I get the chance of earning two shillings, I must
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: take it. He might even give me more. Suddenly he
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: let me go free. Our house no longer gave me
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: an impression of peace and safety. The world fell to
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: pieces around me. He would report me as a criminal.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: My father would be told. Perhaps even the police might
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: come for me. The terror of utter chaos menaced me.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: All that was ugly and dangerous was aligned against me.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: The fact that I had not stolen at all did
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: not count in the least I had sworn to it. Besides, Oh, dear,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: oh dear. I burst into tears. I felt I must
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: buy myself off. Despairingly, I searched all my pockets, not
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: an apple, not a pen knife, absolutely nothing all. At
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: once I thought of my watch. It was an old
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: silver one which wouldn't go. I wore it for no
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: special reason. It came down to me from my grandmother.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I drew it out quickly, crumber, I said, listen, you
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: mustn't give me away. That wouldn't be nice of you.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Look here, I'll give you my watch. I haven't anything else,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: worse luck. You can have it. It's a silver one.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: The mechanism is good. There is only one little thing wrong.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: That's all. It needs repairing. He smiled and took the
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: watch in his big hand. I looked at his hand
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: and felt how coarse and hostile it was, how it
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: grasped at my life and peace. It's silver, I said timidly.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't give a straw for your silver and your
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: old watch. He said, with deep scorn. Get it repaired yourself.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: But frank, I exclaimed, quivering with fear lest he should
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: go away. Wait a minute, do take the watch. It's
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: really silver, really and truly, and I haven't got anything else.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: He gave me a cold and scornful look. Very well,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: then you know who I am going to or I
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: can tell the police. I know the sergeant very well.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: He turned to go. I held him back by the sleeve.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: I could not let that happen. I would much rather
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: have died than bear all that would take place if
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: he went away like that. Frank, I implored, hoarse with emotion.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Please don't do anything silly. Tell me it's only a joke,
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: isn't it. Oh, yes, a joke, but it might cause you,
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: dear Do tell me, Frank, what to do. I'll do anything.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: He examined me critically through his screwed up eyes, and
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: laughed again. Don't be silly, he said, with affected affability.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: You know as well as I do. I've got the
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: chance of earning a couple of marks, and I'm not
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: such a rich fellow that i could afford to throw
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: it away. You know that well enough. But you're rich.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Why you've even got a watch. You need only give
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: me just two marks and everything will be all right.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: I understood his logic. But two marks for me that
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: was as much and just as unobtainable as ten as
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: a hundred as a thousand marks. I had no money.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: There was a money box that my mother kept for me,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: with a couple of ten and five fenneg pieces inside,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: which I received from my uncle when he paid us
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: a visit, or from similar sources. I had nothing else
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: at that age. I received no pocket money at all.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: I have nothing, I said, sadly. I have no money
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: at all, but I'll give you everything I have. I've
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: got a book about red Indians and also soldiers and
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: a compass. I'll get that for you. But Cromer only
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: screwed up his evil mouth and spat on the ground.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Quit your joy, he said commandingly. You can keep your
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: old trash, yourself a compass. Don't make me angry, do
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: you hear? And hand over the money. But I haven't
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: any I never get money. I can't help it very well.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: Then you'll bring me the two marks in the morning.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I shall wait for you in the market after school.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: That's all. If you don't bring any money, look out, yes,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: But where shall I get it? Then? Good lord? If
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: I haven't any there's enough money in your house. That's
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: your business. Tomorrow after school then, and I tell you
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: if you don't bring it, his eyes darted a terrible
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: look at me. He spat again and vanished like a shadow.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: I could not go upstairs. My life was ruined. End
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: of Chapter one, Part one, Two Worlds. Chapter one, Two Worlds,
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Part two. I wondered if I should run away and
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: never come back, or go and drown myself. But these
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: thoughts were not clearly formulated. I sat crouched in the
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: dark on the bottom step, and I surrendered myself to
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: my misfortune. There. Lena found me in tears as she
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: came down with a basket to get wood. I begged
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: her to say nothing on her return, and I went up.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: My father's hat and my mother's sunshade hung on the
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: rack near the glass door. All these things reminded me
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: of home and tenderness. My heart went out to them,
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: imploringly and grateful for their existence. I felt like the
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: prodigal sun when he looked into his old homey room
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and sensed its familiar atmosphere. All this, the bright father
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: and mother world, was mine no longer, and I was
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: buried deeply and guiltily in the strange flood ensnared in
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: sinful adventures, beset by enemies and dangers, menaced by shame
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: and terror. The hat and sunshade, the good old sandstone floor,
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: the big picture over the hall cupboard, and the voice
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: of my elder sister in the living room. All this
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: was dearer and more precious to me than ever. But
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: it was no longer consolation and secure possession. All of
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: it was now a reproach. All this belonged to me
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: no more. I could share, no more in its cheerfulness
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: and peace. I carried mud on my shoes that I
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: could not wipe off on the mat. I brought shadows
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: in with me of which the home world had no knowledge.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: How many secrets had I already had, how many cares?
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: But that play a mere nothing compared with what I
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: was bringing in with me that day. Fate was overtaking me.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Hands was stretched out after me, from which even my
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: mother could not protect me, of which she was to
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: be allowed no knowledge. It was all the same. Whether
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: my offense was thieving or a lie. Had I not
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: taken a false oath by God? My sin was not this?
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: Or that I had tendered my hand to the devil.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: Why did I follow him? Why had I obeyed Cromer
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: more than ever I did my father? Why had I
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: falsely invented the story of the theft? Why had I
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: plumed myself on having committed a crime as if it
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: had been a deed of heroism. Now the devil had
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: me by the hand, Now the evil one was pursuing me.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: For a moment I felt no further dread of the morrow,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: But I had the terrible certainty that my way was
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: leading me further and further downhill and into the darkness.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: I realized clearly that from my wrongdoing, other wrongdoings must result.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: That the greetings and kisses I gave to my parents
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: would be a lie, that a secret destiny I should
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: have to conceal hung over me. For an instant confidence
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: and hope came to me like a lightning flash as
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: I gazed at my father's hat. I would tell him everything,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: would accept his judgment and the punishment he might meet out.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: He would be my confidante and would save me. Confession
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: was all that would be necessary, as I had made
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: so many confessions before. A difficult, bitter hour, A serious
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: remorseful plea for forgiveness. How sweetly that sounded, how tempting
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: that was, But nothing came of it. I knew that
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I should not do it. I knew that I had
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: now a secret, that I was burdened with guilt for
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: which I myself would have to bear the responsibility alone.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: Perhaps I was, at this very moment at the cross roads.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Perhaps from this hour henceforth I should have to belong
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: to the wicked forever share secrets with the bad, depend
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: on them, obey them, and become as one of themselves.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: I had pretended to be a man and a hero.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Now I had to take the consequences. I was glad
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: that my father, as he entered and found fault with
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: my wet boots, it diverted his attention from something worse,
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: and I allowed myself to suffer his reproach, secretly thinking
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: of the other. That gave birth to a peculiar new
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: feeling in me, an evil, cutting feeling, like a barbed hook.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I felt superior to my father. I felt, for an
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: instant's duration, a certain scorn of his ignorance. His scolding
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: over the wet boots seemed to me petty, if you
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: only knew, I thought, and looked upon myself as a
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: criminal who was being tried for having stolen a loaf
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: of bread while he ought to confess to having committed murder.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: It was an ugly and repugnant feeling, yet strong and
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: not without a certain charm, And it changed me to
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: my secret and my guilt more securely than anything else.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Perhaps Cromer had already gone to the police and given
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: me away, I thought, And a storm is threatening to
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: break over my head, while here I am looked upon
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: as a mere child. This was the important and permanent
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: element of the whole event up to this point of
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: my narration. It was the first cleft in the sacredness
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: of parenthood. It was the first split in the pillar
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: on which my childhood had reposed, and which everyone must
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: overthrow before he can attain the self realization. The inward
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: fundamental basis of our destiny is built up from these events,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: which no outsider observes. Such a split or cleft grows
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: together again, heels up and is forgot, but in the
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: most secret chamber of the soul, it continues to live
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: and bleed. I myself felt immediate terror in the presence
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: of this new feeling. I would have liked to embrace
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: my father's feet there and then to beg his forgiveness.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: But one cannot beg pardon for something fundamental, and a
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: child knows and feels that as well and as deeply
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: as any adult. I felt the need to think over
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: the affair, and to consider ways and means for the morrow,
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: but I did not get around to it. My whole
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: evening was taken up solely in accustoming myself to the
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: changed atmosphere of our living room. Clock and table, Bible
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: and looking glass, bookcase and pictures seemed all to be
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: saying goodbye to me. With freezing heart, I had to
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: stand by and watch my world, the good, happy time
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: of my life, sever itself from me, to be relegated
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: to the past. I was for just to realize that
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: I was being held fast to new sucking roots in
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: the darkness of the unfamiliar world outside. For the first time,
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: I tasted death, and death tasted bitter, for it is
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: birth with the terror and fear of a formidable renewal.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I was glad to be lying at last in bed.
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: But first I had passed through purgatory in the form
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: of evening prayers, and we had sung a hymn, one
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: of my favorite ones. Alas I did not join in,
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: and each note was gall and poison for me. I
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: did not join in the common prayer either. When my
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: father gave the blessing, and when he finished be with
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: us all, I tore myself convulsively from the circle. The
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: grace of God was with them all, but with me,
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: no longer cold and very tired, I went away after
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: I had lain a while in bed, wrapped around in
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: warmth and safety. My troubled hearts strayed back once again
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: and fluttered uneasily. In the past, Mother had wished me
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: good night, as she always did. Her steps sounded, yet
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: in the room, the light of her candle gleamed through
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: the crack in the door. Now, I thought, now she
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: will come back again. She has felt my need. She
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: will give me a kiss and will ask in tones
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: kind and full of promise, what is the matter. Then
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: I can weep. The lump in my throat will melt away.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: I will throw my arms about her and will tell her,
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: and everything will be all right. I shall be saved.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: And when the crack in the door had become dark again,
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: I still listened for a while and thought she must come.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: She must. Then I came back to reality and looked
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: my enemy in the face. I saw him clearly. He
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: had one eye closed, his mouth left uncouthly. While I
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: gazed at him, and the inevitable nodded my heart. He
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: became bigger and more ugly, and his wicked eye lit
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: up devilishly. He was close beside me until I dropped
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: off to sleep. But I did not dream of him,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: nor of the day's events. I dreamed instead that we
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: were in a boat, my parents, my sisters, and I
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: lapped in peace and the brightness of a holiday. I
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: woke up in the middle of the night with the
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: aftertaste of bliss. I still saw the white summer dresses
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: of my sisters glistening in the sun, and then fell
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: from my paradise back to reality, and the enemy with
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: the wicked eye stood opposite me. I looked ill when
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Mother came in quickly in the morning and told me
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: how late it was, and wanted to know why I
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: was still in bed, And when she asked what was
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: the matter with me? I vomited. But I seemed to
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: have gained a point. I rather liked to be somewhat ill,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: and to be allowed to spend the morning in bed,
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: drinking kammeal tea, to listen to Mother clearing up in
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: the next room, and to hear Lena outside in the
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: corridor opening the door to the butcher. To stay away
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: from morning school was rather like a fairy story, and
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: the sun which played in the room was not the
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: same you saw through the green curtains at school. But
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: today all this had lost its charm for me. It
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: had a false ring about it if I had died,
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: But I was only slightly ill, as I had often
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: been before, and nothing was gained by that. It prevented
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: me from going to school, but it did not protect
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: me in any way from Cromer, who would be waiting
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: for me in the market at eleven o'clock. And Mother's
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: friendliness was this time without comfort. It was burdensome and painful.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: I soon pretended to be asleep again and thought the
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: matter over, but all to no purpose. I had to
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: be in the market at eleven o'clock. For that reason,
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: I got up at ten and said that I was better.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: As usual in such cases, I was told that either
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I must go back to bed or go to school
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: in the afternoon. I said I would rather go to school.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I had formed a plan. I dared not go to
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: Cromer without money. I had to get possession of the
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: little savings box which belonged to me. There was not
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: enough money in it, far from enough, I knew, but
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: it was still a little, and something told me that
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: a little was better than nothing, for at least Cromer
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: had to be appeased. I felt horrible as I crept
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: in my socks, into my mother's room and took my
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: box from her writing table. But it was not so
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: horrible as the previous day's experience. My heart beat so
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: fast I nearly died, and it was no better when
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: I found, at the first look down below on the
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: stairs that the box was locked. It was easy to
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: break it open. It was only necessary to cut through
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: a thin plate of tin. But the action caused me pain,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: for only in doing this was I committing theft. Up
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: to then I had only taken lumps of sugar and
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: fruit on the sly. Now I had stolen something, although
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: it was my own money. I realized I had taken
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: a step nearer Cromer and his world, that I was
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: slipping gradually downwards, and I adopted an attitude of defiance.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: The devil could run away with me if he liked.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: There was no way out. I anxiously counted the money.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: It had sounded so much in the box. Now in
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: my hand it was miserably little. There were sixty five fennigs.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: I hid the box in the basement, held the money
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: in my closed fist, and went out of the house
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: with a feeling different from any with which I had
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: ever left the portal before some one called me from above,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: I thought, but I went quickly on my way. There
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: was still plenty of time. I sneaked by a roundabout
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: way through the streets of a changed beneath the clouds
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: I had never seen before, by houses which seemed to
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: spy on me, and people who suspected me. On the way,
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: I recollected that one of my school friends had once
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: found a coller in the cattle market. I would have
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: liked to pray to God to work a miracle and
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: allow me to make such a treasure trove, but I
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: had no longer the right to pray, and even then
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: the box would not be made whole again. Frank Cromer
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: saw me in the distance. However, he came along very
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: slowly and seemed not to be looking out for me.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: As he approached me, he beckoned me commandingly to follow.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: He passed on tranquility, without once looking round, went down
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: Straw Street and over the bridge, and stopped on the
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: outskirts of the town in front of a new building.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: No one was working there. The walls stood bare, with
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: out doors or windows. Cromer looked round and then went
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: through the doorway. I followed him He stepped behind the wall,
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: beckoned to me and stretched out his hand. That makes
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: sixty five fenniggs, he said, and looked at me. Yes,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: I said timidly. That's all I have. It's too little,
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: I know, but it's all I haven't any more. I
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: thought you were cleverer than that, he exclaimed, blaming me
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: in what were almost mild terms between men of honor.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: There must be honest dealing. I will not take anything
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: from you except what is right. You know that take
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: your fenigs back there. The other you know, who doesn't
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: try to beat me down, he pays, But I have
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: absolutely nothing else. That was my money box. That's your affair.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: But I don't want to make you unhappy. You still
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: owe me one mark thirty five finnigs. When can I
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: have it? Oh? You'll soon have it, certainly, Cromer. I
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: don't know yet. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after I
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: shall have some more. You understand that I can't tell
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: my father, don't you. That's no concern of mine. I
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: don't want to harm you. If I liked, I could
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: get the money before noon. You see, and I'm poor.
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: You wear nice clothes and you get something better to
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: eat for dinner than I do, but I won't say anything.
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: I am willing to wait a few days. The day
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: after tomorrow, in the afternoon, I will whistle for you.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: Then you will bring it along. You can recognize my whistle.
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: He gave me a whistle that I had often heard before. Yes,
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: I said, I know it. He went away, as if
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: I didn't belong to him. It had been only a
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: transaction between us, nothing further. Even to day. I believe
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: Cromer's whistle would terrify me if I heard it again suddenly.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: From then on, I heard it often, it seemed, I
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: heard it continually and always. No place, no gain, no work,
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: no idea in which this whistle would not sound. I
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: was dependent on it. It was now the messenger of
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: my fate. On mild, glowing autumn afternoons, I was often
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: in our little flower garden, which I loved Dearly, A
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: peculiar impulse made me take up again boyish games which
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: I had played formerly. I played as if it were
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: that I was a boy who was younger than I was,
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: and still good and free, innocent and secure, but in
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: the middle of the game, always expected, and yet always
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: terribly disturbing and surprising sounded Kromer's whistle, destroying the picture
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: my imagination had painted. Then I had to go. I
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: had to follow my tormentor to evil and ugly places,
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: had to render an account and let myself be donned.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: The whole business may have lasted a few weeks, but
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: it seemed to me like a year or an eternity.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: I seldom had money a five or ten fenning piece
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: to from the kitchen table when Lena left, the market
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: basket standing there. Each time I was blamed by Chromer
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: and heaped with abuse, it was I who deceived him
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: and kept back what was his due. It was I
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: who robbed him and made him unhappy. Seldom in life
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: has need so oppressed me. Seldom have I felt a
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: greater helplessness, a greater dependence. I had filled up the
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: savings box with toy money. No one made any inquiries,
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: but that as well could be discovered any day. I
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: was even more afraid of Mother than of Cromer's harsh whistle,
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: especially when she stepped up to me softly. Was she
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: not going to ask me about the money box? As
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: I presented myself to my evil genius several times without money,
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: he began to torment and make use of me after
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: a different fashion. I had to work for him. He
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: had to see to various things for his father. I
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: did that for him, or he made me do something
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: more difficult, hop on one leg for ten minutes, or
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: fasten a scrap of paper onto the coat of a passer.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: By many nights, these torments realized themselves in my dreams,
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: and I wept and broke out in a cold sweat
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: in my nightmare. For a time I was ill. I
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: often vomited and felt cold, But at night I lay
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: in a fever, bathed in perspiration. Mother felt that something
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: was wrong and displayed much sympathy on my behalf. But
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: this tortured me because I could not respond by confiding
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: in her. One evening, after I had already gone to bed,
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: she brought me a piece of chocolate. This action was
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: a souvenir of former years, when if I had been good,
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: I was often rewarded in this way before going off
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: to sleep. Now she stood there and held the piece
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: of chocolate out to me. This so pained me that
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: I could do nothing but shake my head. She asked
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: what was the matter with me, and stroked my hair
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: I could only sob out nothing. Nothing, I won't have anything.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: She put the chocolate on my bed table and went away.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: When she wished subsequently to question me on the matter,
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: I made as if I knew nothing about it. Once
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: she brought the doctor to me, who examined me and
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: prescribed cold ablutions in the morning. My estate at that
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: time was a sort of insanity. I was shy and
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: lived in torments like a ghost in the midst of
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: the well ordered peace of our house. I had no
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: part in others lives, and could seldom, even for as
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: much as an hour, forget my miserable existence. In the
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: presence of my father, who often took me to task
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: in an irritated fashion, I was reserved and wrapped up
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: in myself. End of Chapter one, Two Whorlds, Chapter two,
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: King Part one. Deliverance from my troubles came from quite
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: an unexpected quarter, and with it something new entered into
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: my life, which has up to the present day exercised
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: a strong influence. A short time before, we had had
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: a new boy at our Latin school. He was the
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: son of a well to do widow who had moved
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: to our town. He was in mourning and wore a
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: crape band round his sleeve. His form was above mine,
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: and he was several years older. But I soon began
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: to take notice of him, as did all of us.
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: This remarkable boy impressed one as being much older than
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: he looked. He made on no one the impression of
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: being a mere schoolboy. With us childish youngsters. He was
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: as distant and as mature as a man, or rather
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: as a gentleman. He was by no means popular. He
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: took no part in games, much less in the fooling.
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: It was only the self conscious, decided tone which he
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: adopted towards the masters that pleased the others. His name
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: was Max Damien. One day, it happened, as it occasionally
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: did in our school, that for some cause or other,
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: another class was sent into our large school room. It
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: was Damien's form. We little ones were having biblical history.
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: The big ones had to write an essay while we
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: were having the story of Cain and Abel knocked into us.
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: I kept looking across at Damien, whose face fascinated me strangely,
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: and saw his wise, bright, more than ordinarily strong features,
• 45:39
  Speaker 1: bent attentively and thoughtfully over his task. He did not
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: look at all like a schoolboy doing an exercise, but
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: like a research worker solving a problem. I did not
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: find him really agreeable. On the contrary, I had one
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: or two little things against him with me. He was
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: too distant and superior, he was much too provokingly sure
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: of himself, and the expression of his eyes was that
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: of an adult, which children never like, rather sad, with
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: occasional flashes of scorn. Yet I could not resist looking
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: at him, whether I liked him or not. But the
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: minute he looked in my direction, I looked away somewhat frightened.
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: If today I consider what he looked like as a schoolboy,
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: I can say that he was in every respect different
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: from the others, and bore the stamp of a striking
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: personality and therefore attracted attention. But at the same time
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: he did everything to prevent himself from being remarked. He
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: bore and conducted himself like a disguised prince who finds
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: himself among peasant boys and makes every effort to appear
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: like them. He was behind me on the way home
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: from school, when the others had run on. He overtook
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: me and said hello. Even his manner of greeting, although
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: he imitated our schoolboy tone. Voice was polite and like
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: that of a grown up person. Shall we go a
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: little way together, he questioned in a friendly way. I
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: was flattered and nodded. Then I described to him where
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: I lived. Oh there, he said, laughingly. I know the
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: house already. There is a remarkable work of art over
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: your door, which interested me at once. I did not
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: guess immediately to what he was referring, and was astonished
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: that he seemed to know our house better than I did.
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: There was indeed a sort of crest which served as
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: a keystone over the arch of the door, but in
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: course of time it had become faint and had often
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: been painted over. As far as I knew, it had
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with us or with our family. I
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: don't know anything about it, I said, timidly. It's a
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: bird or something like it. It must be very old.
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: They say that the house at one time belonged to
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: the abbey. Very likely, he nodded. We'll have another good
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: look at it. Such things are often interesting. It is
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: a hawk, I think. We continued our way. I was
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: considerably embarrassed. Suddenly Damien laughed, as if something funny had
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: struck him. Oh, I was present at your lesson, he said,
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: with animation, the story of Cain who carried the mark
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: on his forehead? Was it not? Do you like it? Generally?
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: I used not to like anything of all the things
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: we had to learn, but I did not dare to
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: say so. It was as though a grown up person
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: were talking to me. I said, I liked the story
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: very much. Damien tapped me on the shoulder. No need
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: to pretend with me, old fellow. But the story is
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: really rather remarkable. I think it is much more remarkable
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: than most of the others we get at school. The
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: master didn't say very much about it, only the usual
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: things about God and sin et cetera. But I believe
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: he broke off smiled and questioned, hmm, but does it
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: enters you well? He continued, I think one can conceive
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: this story of Cain quite differently. Most things we are
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: taught are certainly quite true and right, but one can
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: consider them all from a different standpoint from the masters,
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: and most of them have a much better meaning. Then.
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: For instance, we can't be quite content with the explanation
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: given us with regard to this fellow Cain and the
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: mark on his forehead. Don't you find it so too.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: It certainly might happen that he should kill one of
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: his brothers in a quarrel. It is also possible that
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: he should afterwards be afraid and have to come down
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: a peg, But that he should be singled out into
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: the bargain with a decoration for his cowardice, which protects
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: him and strikes terror into every one else. That is
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: really rather a god. Certainly, I said interested. The case
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: began to interest me. But how else should one explain
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: the story? He clapped me on the shoulder. Quite simply.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: The essential fact, and the point of departure of the
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: story was the sign. Here was a man who had
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: something in his face which terrified other people. They did
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: not dare to molest him. He made a big impression
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: on them, he and his children. Perhaps, or rather certainly,
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: it was not really a sign on his forehead like
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: an office stamp. Things are not as simple as that
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: in real life. I would sooner think it was something
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: scarcely perceptible, of a peculiar nature. Not a little more
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: intelligence and boldness in his look than people were accustomed to.
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: This man had power. Other people shrank from him. He
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: had a sign. One could explain that as one wished,
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: and one always wishes what is convenient and agrees with
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: one's opinions. People were afraid of Cain's children. They had
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: a sign, and so they explained the sign, not as
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: it really was a distinction, but as the contrary. The
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: fellows with this sign were said to be peculiar, and
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: they were courageous as well. People with courage and character
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: are always called peculiar by other people. That a race
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: of fearless and peculiar men should rove about was very embarrassing,
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: and so people attached a surname and a story to
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: this race in order to revenge themselves on it, in
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: order to compensate themselves more or less for all the
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: terror with which it had inspired them. Do you understand? Yes?
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: That means to say then that kin was not at
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: all wicked, and the whole story in the Bible isn't
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: really true. Yes and no. Such ancient primitive stories are
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: always true, but they have not always been recorded and
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: explained in the proper manner. In short, I mean that
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: Cain was a thundering good fellow, and this story got
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: attached to his name simply because people were afraid of him.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: The story was merely a report something people might have
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: set going in a gossiping way. And it was true
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: in so far as Kin and his children did actually
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: wear a sort of sign and were different from most people.
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: I was much astonished. And do you believe, then, that
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: the affair of the murder is absolutely untrue? I asked,
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: much impressed. Not at all. It is certainly true. The
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: strong man killed a weak one. One may doubt, of course,
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: whether it was really his brother or not. It's not important,
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: for in the end all men are brothers. A strong
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: man then has killed a weak one. Perhaps it was
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: a deed of heroism, perhaps it was not. But in
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: any case, the other weak people were terrified. They lamented
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: and complained, and when they were asked, why don't you
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: simply kill him as well? They did not answer, because
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: we are cowards, But they said instead, you can't. He
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: has a sign. God has singled him out. The humbug
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: must have arisen something after this style. Oh I'm keeping
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: you from going in goodbye. Then he turned into old
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: Street and left me alone, more astonished than I had
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: ever been before. Scarcely had he gone, when everything that
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: he had said seemed to me quite unbelievable. Cain a
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: noble fellow, Abel a coward. Cain's sign a distinction. It
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: was absurd, It was blasphemous and infamous. What was God's
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: part in the matter? Had he not accepted Abel's sacrifice?
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: Did he not love Abel? Damien's story was nonsense. I
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: suspected him of making fun of me, and of wishing
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: to mislead me, the devil of a clever fellow. And
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: he could talk but well. Still, I had never thought
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: so much about any of the biblical or other stories before,
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: and for some time past, I had never so completely
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: forgotten Frank Cromer. For hours, for a whole evening at home,
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: I read through the story once again, as it stands
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: in the Bible, short and clear. It was quite foolish
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: to try to find a special secret meaning. If it
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: had one, every murderer could look upon himself as a
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: favorite of God. No, it was nonsense. But Damien had
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: a nice way of saying such things so easily and pleasantly,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: as if everything were self evident. And then his eyes
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: my ideas were certainly a little upset, or rather they
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: were very much confused. I had lived in a bright,
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: clean world. I myself had been a sort of able,
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: and now I was so firmly fixed in the other
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: and had sunk so deeply. But really, what could I
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: do to help it? What was my position? Now? A
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: reminiscence glowed in me, which for the moment almost took
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: away my breath. I remembered that wretched evening from which
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: my present misery dated, when I looked for an instant
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: into the heart of my father's bright world and despised
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: his wisdom. Then I was kin and wore the sign.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: I imagined that it was in no way shameful, but
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: a distinction, and in my wickedness and unhappiness, I stood
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: on a higher level than my father, higher than good
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: and pious people. It was not in such a clear
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: thinking way that my experience then presented itself to me,
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: But all this was contained therein. It was only a
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: flaming up, a feeling of strange emotions, which caused me
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: pain and yet filled me with pride. When I considered
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: the matter, I saw how strangely Damien had spoken of
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: the fearless and the cowards, how curiously he had explained
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: the mark on Cain's forehead, how singularly his eyes had
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: lit up those peculiar eyes of a grown person, and
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: indistinctly it shot through my brain. Is not he himself,
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: this Damien a sort of Cain? Why did he defend
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: him if he did not feel like him? Why had
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: he this force in his gaze? Why did he speak
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: so scornfully of the others of the fearsome, who are
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: really the pious and the well considered of God? This
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: thought led me to no definite conclusion. A stone had
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: fallen into the well, and the well was my young soul.
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: And this business with Cain, the murderer and the sign
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: was for a long, a very long time, the point
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: from which my seekings after knowledge, my doubts, and my
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: criticisms took their departure. I noticed that the other boys
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: also occupied themselves a good deal with Damien. I had
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: not told any one of his version of the story
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: of Cain, but he appeared to interest the others as well.
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: At least many rumors concerning the new boy became current.
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: If only I still knew all of them. Each would
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: help to throw fresh light on him, each would serve
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: to interpret him. I only remember. The first rumor was
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: that Damien's mother was very rich. It was also said
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: that she never went to church, nor the son either.
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: Another rumor had it that they were Jews, but they
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: could just as easily have been in secret Mohammedan's. Furthermore,
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: tales were told of Max Damien's strength. So much was
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: certain that the strongest boy in his form, who challenged
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: him to a fight, and who at his refusal branded
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: him a coward, suffered a terrible humiliation at his hands.
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: Those who were there said that Damian had simply taken
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: him by the nape of the neck with one hand,
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: and had brought such a pressure to bear that the
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: boy went white and afterwards crawled away, and that for
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: several days he was unable to use his arm. For
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: a whole evening, a rumor even ran that he was dead.
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: For a time, everything was asserted and believed, everything that
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: was exciting and wonderful. Then there was a satiety of
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: rumors for a while. A little later new ones circulated
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: which asserted that Damien had intimate relations with girls and
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: knew everything. Meanwhile, my affair with Frank Cromer took its
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: inevitable course. I could not get away from him, for
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: although he left me in peace for days together. I
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: was still bound to him. In my dreams. He lived
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: as my shadow, and thus my fantasy credited to him
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: with actions which he did not in reality do, so
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: that in dreams I was absolutely his slave. I lived
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: in these. I was always a deep dreamer, more than
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: in reality. These shadowy conceptions wasted my strength and my
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: life force. I often dreamed, among other things, that Cromer
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: ill treated me, that he spat on me and knelt
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: on me, and what was worse, that he led me
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: to commit grave crimes, or rather I was not led,
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: but simply forced through his powerful influence. The most terrible
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: of these dreams, from which I woke up half mad,
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: presented itself as a murderous attack on my father. Cromer
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: wedded a knife and put it in my hand as
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: we were standing behind the trees of a lane and
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: lying in wait for some one whom I knew not.
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: But when some one came along and Cromer threw a
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: pressure of the arm informed me that this was the
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: man whom I was to stab, it turned out to
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: be my father. Then I woke up with all these troubles.
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: I still thought a great deal about Cain and Abel,
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: but much less about Damien. It was strangely enough in
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: a dream that he first came in contact with me again.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: I dreamed once more of assault and ill treatment, which
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: I suffered, but instead of Chromer this time it was
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: Damien who knelt upon me. And what was quite new
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: and profoundly impressive. Everything that I suffered resistingly and in
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: torment at the hands of Chromer, I suffered willingly from Damian,
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: with a feeling which was composed as much of joy
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: as of fear. I had this dream twice then Kromer
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: occupied his old position in my thoughts. For a long time.
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: I have not been able to separate what I experienced
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: in these dreams from what I underwent in reality. But
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: in any case, my evil relation with Chromer took its
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: course and was by no means at an end. When
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: I had, at last, by petty thefts paid the boy
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: the sum ode no for now he knew of these thefts,
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: as he always asked me where the money came from,
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: and I was more in his hands than ever. He
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: frequently threatened to tell my father everything, And my terror
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: then was scarcely as great as the profound regret that
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: I had not myself done that in the beginning. However
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: miserable as I was, I did not repent of everything,
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: at least not always, and sometimes felt I thought that
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: things could not have helped, Being as they were. The
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: hand of fate was upon me, and it was useless
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: to want to break away. I conjecture that my parents
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: suffered not a little in these circumstances. A strange spirit
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: had come over me. I no longer fitted into our community,
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: which had been so intimate, and for which I often
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: felt a maddening homesickness as for a lost paradise. I
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: was treated, particularly by my mother, more like a sick
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: person than like a miserable wretch. But the actual state
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 1: of affairs I was able to observe best in the
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: conduct of my two sisters. It was quite evident from
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: their behavior, which was very considerate and which yet caused
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: me endless pain, that I was a sort of person possessed,
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: who was more to be pitied than blamed for his condition,
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: but yet in whom evil had taken up residence. I
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: felt that I was being prayed for in a different
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: way from formerly, and realized the fruitlessness of these prayers.
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 1: I often felt burning within me an intense longing for relief,
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: an ardent desire for a full confession. And yet I
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: realized in advance that I should not be able to
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: tell everything to father and mother properly in explanation of
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: my conduct. I knew that I should be received in
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: a friendly way, that much consideration and compassion would be
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: shown me, but that I should not be completely understood.
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: The whole affair would have been looked upon as a
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: sort of backsliding, where it was really the work of destiny.
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: I know that many people will not believe that a
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: child scarcely eleven years old could feel thus, but I
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: am not relating my affairs for their benefit. My narration
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: is for those who know mankind better. The grown up
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: person who has learned to convert part of his feelings
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: into thoughts feels the absence of these ideas in a
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: child and comes to believe that the experiences are likewise lacking.
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: But they have seldom been so vivid, and not often
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: in my life have I suffered as keenly as then.
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 1: One rainy day, I was ordered by my tormentor to
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: castle place, and there I stood, waiting and digging my
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: feet in the wet chestnut leaves which were still falling
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: regularly from the black dripping branches. Money I had none,
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: but I had brought with me two pieces of cake
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: that I had stolen, in order to at least be
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: able to give Cromer something. I had long since been
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 1: accustomed to stand about in any odd corner waiting for him,
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: often for a very long time, and I put up
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 1: with the unalterable Cromer came at last that day. He
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 1: did not stay long. He poked me several times in
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: the ribs, laughed, took the cake, and even offered me
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 1: a Moldy's cigarette, which, however, I did not accept. He
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: was more friendly than usual, Oh, he said, as he
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: went away, before I forget. Next time you can bring
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: your sister along, the elder one. What's her name? Now?
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: Tell the truth. I did not understand and gave no answer.
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: I only looked at him wonderingly, don't you get me?
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: You must bring your sister along, But Cromer, that won't do.
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: I mustn't do that, and besides, she wouldn't come. I
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: thought this was only another pretext for vexing me. He
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: often did that, requiring me to do something impossible, And
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 1: so terrifying me, and often after humiliating me, he would,
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: by degrees become more tractable. I then had to buy
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 1: myself off with money or with some other gift. This
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 1: time he was quite different. He was really not at
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: all angry at my refusal. Well, he said airily, you'll
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: think about it, won't you. I should like to make
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: your sister's acquaintance. It will not be so difficult. You
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: simply take her out for a walk, and then I
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: come along tomorrow. I'll whistle for you, and then we
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: can talk more about it. When he had gone, a
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: glimpse of the meaning of his request dawned on me.
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: I was still quite a child, but I knew by
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: hearsay that boys and girls, when they were somewhat older
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: did things which were forbidden, things of a secret and
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: scandalous nature, and now I should also have to. It
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 1: was suddenly quite clear to me how monstrous it was.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: I immediately reson never to do that. But I scarcely
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 1: dared think of what would happen in that case, and
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: how Cromer would revenge himself on me. A new torment began.
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: I had not yet been tortured enough. End of Chapter
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: two Part one, Cain Chapter two, Cain, Part two. I
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 1: walked disconsolately across the empty square, my hands in my pockets,
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: fresh torments, a new servitude. Suddenly, a fresh, deep voice
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: called to me. I was terrified and began to run on.
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: Some one ran after me. A hand gripped me from behind.
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: It was Max Damien. I let myself be taken prisoner.
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: I surrendered. It's you, I said, uncertainly. You frightened me.
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 1: So he looked at me, and never had his glance
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: been more like that of an adult, of a superior
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: and penetrating person. For a long time past. We had
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 1: not spoken with one another. I am sorry, he said,
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: in his courteous and at the same time very determined manner.
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 1: But listen, you mustn't let yourself be frightened like that.
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: Oh that can happen sometimes, so it appears. But look here.
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 1: If you shrink like that from some one who hasn't
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: heard you, then this some one begins to think. It
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 1: makes him curious. He wonders what can be the matter this?
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: Somebody thinks to himself, how awfully frightened you are? And
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: he thinks further. One is only like that when one
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 1: is terrified. Cowards are always frightened. But I believe you
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 1: aren't really a coward, aren't I right? Of course you
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: aren't a hero either. There are things of which you
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: are afraid. There are also people of whom you are afraid,
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: and that should never be No one should ever be
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: afraid of other people. You aren't afraid of me, or
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: are you? Perhaps? Oh? No, of course not, there you see,
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: but there are people you are afraid of. I don't know.
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 1: Let me go. What do you want of me? He
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: kept pace with me. I was going quicker with the
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 1: idea of escaping. I felt his look directed on me
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: from the side, just as soon he began again that
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, well with you. In any case, you needn't
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: be afraid of me. I would very much like to
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: try an experiment with you. It's funny and you can
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: learn something that's very useful. Listen. I often practice an
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: art which is called mind reading. There's no witchcraft in it,
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 1: but it seems very peculiar if some one doesn't know
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 1: how to do it. You can surprise people very much
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: with it. Well, let us try it. I like you,
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: or I interest myself in you, and I would like
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: to find out what your real feelings are already made
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: the first step toward doing that. I have frightened you.
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: You are then easily frightened. There are things and people
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: of which and of whom you are afraid. Why is it?
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 1: One need be afraid of no one. If you fear somebody,
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: then it is due to the fact that he has
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 1: power over you. For example, you have done something wrong
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: and the other person knows it, then he has power
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: over you. Do you get me? It's clear, isn't it.
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 1: I looked helplessly into his face, which was serious and
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: prudent as always, and kind as well, but without any tenderness.
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 1: His features were rather severe. Righteousness are something I can
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: lay therein. I was not conscious of what was happening.
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: He stood like a magician before me. Have you understood,
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 1: he questioned again. I nodded. I could not speak. I
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 1: told you mind reading looked rather strange, but the process
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 1: is quite natural. I could, for example, tell you more
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 1: or less exactly what you thought about me when I
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 1: once told you the story of Cain and Abel, but
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 1: that has nothing to do with the matter in hand.
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 1: I also think it possible that you have dreamed of me.
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: But let's leave that out. You're a clever kid. Most
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 1: of them are so stupid. I like talking now and
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: then with a clever fellow whom I can trust. You
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 1: have no objections, have you? Oh? No, only I don't understand.
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 1: Let's keep to our old experiment. We have found that
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 1: the boy s is easily frightened. He is afraid of somebody.
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: He apparently shares a secret with this other person, which
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: causes him much disquietude? Is that about right? As in
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 1: a dream? I lay under the influence of his voice,
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: of his personality. I only nodded. Was not a voice
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 1: talking there which could only come from myself, which knew all,
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: which knew all in a better clearer way than I myself.
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: Damien gave me a powerful slap on the shoulder. That's right, then,
• 1:11:11
  Speaker 1: I thought, So now, just one question more? Do you
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: know the name of the boy who has just gone away?
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: I sank back. He had the key to my secret,
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: this secret which twisted back inside me as if it
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 1: did not want to see the light. What sort of fellow?
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: There was no one there except myself, he laughed. Don't
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: be afraid to tell me, he said, laughingly. What's his name?
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: I whispered, do you mean Frank Cromer. He nodded contentedly. Bravo,
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: you're a smart chap. We shall be good friends yet.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: But now I must tell you something else. This Cromer
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: or whatever his name is, is a nasty fellow. His
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: face tells me he's a rascal. What do you think? Oh? Yes,
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 1: I sobbed. He is nasty. He's a devil. But he
• 1:12:05
  Speaker 1: mustn't know anything. For God's sake, he mustn't know anything.
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 1: Do you know him? Does he know you? Don't worry.
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 1: He's gone and he doesn't know me, not yet, But
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 1: I should like to make his acquaintance. He goes to
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 1: the public school, yes, in which standard in the fifth?
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: But don't say anything to him. Please don't say anything
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: to him. Don't worry. Nothing will happen to you. I
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: suppose you wouldn't like to tell me a little more
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: about this fellow Cromer. I can't, no, let me go.
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 1: He was silent for a while. It's a pity, he said.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: We might have been able to carry the experiment still further.
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: But I don't want to bother you. You know, don't
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 1: you that it is not right of you to be
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: afraid of him? Such fear quite undermines us. You must
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: get rid of it. You must get it if you
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 1: want to become a real man. Do you understand? Certainly
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: you are quite right, But it won't do You don't know.
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: You have seen that I know a lot more than
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 1: you thought. Do you owe him any money? Yes? I do,
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: But that isn't the essential point. I can't tell. I can't.
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 1: It won't help matters. Then if I give you the
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 1: amount you owe him, I could very well let you
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: have it. No, no, that's not the point. And please
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 1: don't say anything to anybody, not a word. You are
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 1: making me miserable. Rely on me, Sainclair. Later you can
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: share your secrets with me. Never never, I exclaimed, vehemently,
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: just as you please. I only mean perhaps you will
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: tell me something more later on, only of your own
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: free Will you understand? Surely you don't think I shall
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: act like Cromer. Oh no, but you don't even know
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: anything about it, absolutely nothing. But I think about it,
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 1: and I shall never act like Cromer. Believe me. Besides,
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: you don't owe me anything. We remained a long time silent,
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 1: and I became more tranquil. But Damien's knowledge became more
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: and more of a puzzle to me. I'm going home now,
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 1: he said, and in the rain he drew his coat
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: more closely about him. I should only like to repeat
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 1: one thing to you, since we have gone so far
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: in the matter. You ought to get rid of this fellow.
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 1: If there's nothing else to be done, then kill him.
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: It would impress me and please me if you were
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: to do that. Besides, I would help you. I was
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: again terrified. I suddenly remembered the story of Kine. I
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 1: had an uncanny feeling, and I began to cry softly.
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: So much that was weird seemed to surround me. Ah right,
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: Max Damien said, smiling, Go home now. We will put
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: things square. Although murder would have been the simplest in
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 1: such matters, the simplest way is always the best. You
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 1: aren't in good hands with your friend Cromer. I came home,
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: and it seemed to me as if I had been
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 1: away a year. Everything looked different between myself and Cromer.
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 1: There now stood something like future freedom, something like hope.
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 1: I was lonely no longer, And then I realized for
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: the first time how terribly lonely I had been for
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 1: weeks and weeks, and I immediately recollected what I had
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 1: on several occasions turned over in my mind that a
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 1: confession to my parents would afford me relief and yet
• 1:15:44
  Speaker 1: would not quite liberate me. Now I had almost confessed
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 1: to another, to a stranger, and as if a strong
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 1: perfume had wafted to me since the presentiment of salvation.
• 1:15:58
  Speaker 1: Still my fear was far from being overcome, and I
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 1: was still prepared for long and terrible mental wrestlings with
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 1: my evil genius. So it was all the more remarkable
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 1: to me that everything passed off so very secretly and quietly.
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 1: Cromer's whistle remained absent from our house for a day,
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 1: two days, three days, a whole week. I dared not
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 1: believe my senses, and lay inwardly on the watch to
• 1:16:27
  Speaker 1: see whether he would not suddenly stand before me, just
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 1: at that moment when I should expect him no longer.
• 1:16:33
  Speaker 1: But he was and remained away. Distrustful of my new freedom,
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 1: I still could not bring myself to believe in it wholeheartedly,
• 1:16:42
  Speaker 1: until at last I met Frank Cromer. He was coming
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 1: down the street straight in my direction. When he saw me,
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 1: he drew himself together twisted his features in a brutal
• 1:16:53
  Speaker 1: grimace and turned away without more ado, in order to
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: avoid meeting me. That was a wonderful moment for me.
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 1: My enemy ran away from me. My devil was afraid
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: of me. Surprise and joy shook me through and through.
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 1: In a few days, Damien showed himself once again. He
• 1:17:15
  Speaker 1: waited for me outside school. Hello, I said, good morning, Sinclair.
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 1: I only wanted to hear how you're getting on. Cromer
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: leaves you in peace, doesn't he? Did you manage that?
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 1: But how did you do it? How? I don't understand it.
• 1:17:34
  Speaker 1: He hasn't come near me splendid. If he should come again,
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 1: I don't think he will, but he's a cheeky fellow.
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 1: Then simply tell him to remember Damien. But what does
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 1: it all mean? Have you had a fight with him
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 1: and thrashed him. No, I'm not so keen on that.
• 1:17:55
  Speaker 1: I simply talked to him as I did to you,
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 1: and I made it clear to him that it is
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 1: to his own advantage to leave you in peace. Oh
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: but you haven't given him any money. No, kid, you've
• 1:18:09
  Speaker 1: already tried that way yourself. I attempted to pump him
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: on the matter, but he disengaged himself. The old embarrassed
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 1: feeling concerning him came over me an odd mixture of
• 1:18:21
  Speaker 1: gratitude and shyness of admiration and fear of affection and
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 1: inward resistance. I had the intention of seeing him again soon,
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 1: and then I wanted to talk more about everything about
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 1: the Cane affair as well, but I did not see him.
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: Gratitude is not one of the virtues in which I believe,
• 1:18:42
  Speaker 1: and to require it of a child would seem to
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 1: me wrong. So I do not wonder very much at
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 1: the complete ingratitude which I evinced towards Max Damien to day.
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 1: I believe positively that I should have been ruined for
• 1:18:56
  Speaker 1: life if he had not freed me from Cromer's clutches
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 1: at that time. Also, I already felt this release as
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 1: the greatest event of my young life, but I left
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 1: the deliverer on one side as soon as he had
• 1:19:09
  Speaker 1: accomplished the miracle. As I have said, ingratitude seems to
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 1: me nothing strange. Solely the lack of curiosity I evinced
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 1: is odd. How was it possible that I could continue
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 1: for a single day my quiet mode of life without
• 1:19:27
  Speaker 1: coming nearer to the secrets with which Damien had brought
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 1: me in contact. How could I restrain the desire to
• 1:19:33
  Speaker 1: hear more about Kine, more about Cromer, more about the
• 1:19:37
  Speaker 1: thought reading. It is scarcely comprehensible, and yet it is so.
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 1: I suddenly saw myself extricated from the demoniacal toils, saw
• 1:19:48
  Speaker 1: again the world lying bright and cheerful before me. I
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 1: was no longer subject to paroxysms of fear. The curse
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 1: was broken. I was no longer a tormented and condemned creature.
• 1:20:00
  Speaker 1: I was a schoolboy again. My temperament sought to regain
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 1: its equilibrium and tranquility as quickly as possible, and so
• 1:20:10
  Speaker 1: I took pains, above all things to put behind me
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 1: all that had been ugly and menacing, and to forget it.
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 1: The whole long story of my guilt, of my terrifying anxiety,
• 1:20:22
  Speaker 1: slipped from my memory wonderfully quick apparently without having left
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 1: behind any scars or impressions whatsoever. The fact that I
• 1:20:32
  Speaker 1: likewise tried as quickly to forget my helper and deliverer
• 1:20:35
  Speaker 1: I understand today as well. Instinctively, my mind turned from
• 1:20:40
  Speaker 1: the damning recollection of my awful servitude under Cromer, and
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: I sought to recover my former, happy, contented mental outlook,
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 1: to regain that lost paradise which opened once more to
• 1:20:52
  Speaker 1: me the bright Father and Mother world, where my sisters
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 1: dwelt in the fragrant atmosphere of purity, in loving kindness,
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 1: such as God had extended to Abel. On the very
• 1:21:04
  Speaker 1: next day, after my short conversation with Damien, when I
• 1:21:08
  Speaker 1: was at last fully convinced of my newly born freedom
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: and feared no longer a relapse to my condition of slavery,
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 1: I did what I had so often and so ardently
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 1: desired to do. I confessed. I went to Mother and
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 1: showed her the little savings box with the broken lock,
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 1: filled with toy mark pieces instead of with real money,
• 1:21:30
  Speaker 1: and I told her how long I had been in
• 1:21:32
  Speaker 1: the thrall of an evil tormentor through my own guilt.
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 1: She did not understand everything, but she saw the money box,
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 1: she saw my altered look and heard my changed voice.
• 1:21:43
  Speaker 1: She felt that I was healed, that I had been
• 1:21:45
  Speaker 1: restored to her, And then, with lofty feelings, I celebrated
• 1:21:50
  Speaker 1: my readmission into the family, the prodigal son's return home.
• 1:21:55
  Speaker 1: Mother took me to father. The story was repeated. Questions
• 1:21:59
  Speaker 1: and exclamations of wonder followed in quick succession. Both parents
• 1:22:04
  Speaker 1: stroked my hair and breathed deeply, as in relief from
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 1: a long oppression. It was all lovely, like the stories
• 1:22:12
  Speaker 1: I had read. All discords were resolved in a happy ending.
• 1:22:17
  Speaker 1: I surrendered myself passionately to this harmonious state of affairs.
• 1:22:21
  Speaker 1: I could not have enough of the idea that I
• 1:22:24
  Speaker 1: was again free and trusted by my parents. I was
• 1:22:27
  Speaker 1: a model boy at home, and played more frequently than
• 1:22:30
  Speaker 1: ever with my sisters. At prayers, I sang the dear
• 1:22:34
  Speaker 1: old hymns with the blissful feeling of one converted and redeemed.
• 1:22:39
  Speaker 1: It came straight from my heart. It was no lie
• 1:22:42
  Speaker 1: this time. And yet it was not all as it
• 1:22:46
  Speaker 1: should have been. And this is the point which alone
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 1: can truly explain my forgetfulness of Damien. I ought to
• 1:22:55
  Speaker 1: have made a confession to him. The confession would have
• 1:22:58
  Speaker 1: been less touching and less specious, but for me it
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: would have borne more fruit. I was now clinging fast
• 1:23:06
  Speaker 1: to my former paradisaical world. I had returned home and
• 1:23:10
  Speaker 1: had been received in grace, But Damien belonged in no
• 1:23:15
  Speaker 1: wise to this world. He did not fit into it.
• 1:23:19
  Speaker 1: He also in a different way from Cromer, but nevertheless
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 1: he was also a seducer. He too bound me to
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 1: the second evil, bad world, and of this world. I
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 1: never wanted to hear anything more. I could not now,
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 1: and I did not wish to give up able and
• 1:23:36
  Speaker 1: help to glorify Kane. Now when I myself had again
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 1: become an able. So much for the outward correlation of events,
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 1: but inwardly it was like this. I had been freed
• 1:23:50
  Speaker 1: from the hands of Cromer and the devil, but not
• 1:23:53
  Speaker 1: through my own strength and effort. I had ventured a
• 1:23:56
  Speaker 1: footing on the paths of the world, and they had
• 1:23:59
  Speaker 1: been too slippy for me. Now that the grasp of
• 1:24:03
  Speaker 1: a friendly hand had saved me, I ran back, without
• 1:24:06
  Speaker 1: another glance, round to mother's lap, to the protecting, godly
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 1: and tender security of childhood. I made myself younger, more
• 1:24:15
  Speaker 1: dependent on the others, more childlike than I really was.
• 1:24:19
  Speaker 1: I had to replace my dependence on Cromer by a
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 1: new one, since I was powerless to strike out for myself,
• 1:24:26
  Speaker 1: so I chose, in the blindness of my heart, the
• 1:24:30
  Speaker 1: dependence on father and mother, on the old, beloved, bright world,
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 1: on this world, which I knew already was not the
• 1:24:38
  Speaker 1: sole one. Had I not done this, I should have
• 1:24:41
  Speaker 1: had to hold to Damien, to entrust myself to him.
• 1:24:46
  Speaker 1: The fact that I did not appeared to me then
• 1:24:49
  Speaker 1: to be due to justifiable distrust of his strange ideas,
• 1:24:53
  Speaker 1: in reality it was due to nothing else than fear,
• 1:24:57
  Speaker 1: For Damien would have required more of me then did
• 1:25:00
  Speaker 1: my parents, much more by stimulation and exhortation, by scorn
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 1: and irony. He would have tried to make me more independent,
• 1:25:10
  Speaker 1: alas I know that to day, nothing in the world
• 1:25:13
  Speaker 1: is so distasteful to man as to go the way
• 1:25:16
  Speaker 1: which leads him to himself. And yet about half a
• 1:25:22
  Speaker 1: year later I could not resist the temptation to ask
• 1:25:25
  Speaker 1: my father, while we were out for a walk, what
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 1: was to be made of the fact that many people
• 1:25:31
  Speaker 1: declared Cain to be better than able. He was much
• 1:25:34
  Speaker 1: surprised and explained to me that this was a conception
• 1:25:38
  Speaker 1: by no means novel. It had even emerged in the
• 1:25:41
  Speaker 1: early Christian era and had been professed by sects, one
• 1:25:45
  Speaker 1: of which was called the Canaanites. But naturally this foolish
• 1:25:50
  Speaker 1: doctrine was nothing else than an attempt of the devil
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 1: to undermine our belief. For if one believes that Cain
• 1:25:57
  Speaker 1: was right and Abel was wrong, then it follows that
• 1:26:00
  Speaker 1: God has erred, and that the God of the Bible
• 1:26:03
  Speaker 1: is not the true and only God, but a false one.
• 1:26:07
  Speaker 1: The Canaanites really used to profess and preach something approximating
• 1:26:11
  Speaker 1: this doctrine. But this heresy vanished from among mankind a
• 1:26:15
  Speaker 1: long time ago, and he wondered the more that a
• 1:26:18
  Speaker 1: school friend had been able to learn something on the subject. Nevertheless,
• 1:26:23
  Speaker 1: he earnestly exhorted me not to let these ideas occupy
• 1:26:27
  Speaker 1: my attention. End of chapter two Cain. Chapter three, The
• 1:26:35
  Speaker 1: Thief on the Cross, Part one. I could describe scenes
• 1:26:41
  Speaker 1: of my childhood spent in peaceful security at the side
• 1:26:45
  Speaker 1: of father and mother. Relate how I passed this period
• 1:26:48
  Speaker 1: of my life, playing contentedly in the midst of surroundings,
• 1:26:52
  Speaker 1: brightened by love and tenderness. But others have done that.
• 1:26:57
  Speaker 1: I am only interested in the steps I took in
• 1:26:59
  Speaker 1: life in order to attain self realization. All the pretty
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 1: resting places, happy isles, and children's paradises whose charm is
• 1:27:08
  Speaker 1: not unknown to me. I leave lying behind me in
• 1:27:12
  Speaker 1: the shimmer of a distant horizon, and I have no
• 1:27:15
  Speaker 1: desire to set foot there again. For that reason, I
• 1:27:19
  Speaker 1: will speak so far as I intend to dwell on
• 1:27:22
  Speaker 1: the period of my childhood, only of new events which
• 1:27:25
  Speaker 1: overtook me, and of what impelled me forward, enabling me
• 1:27:29
  Speaker 1: to throw off my shackles. These impulses always came from
• 1:27:34
  Speaker 1: the other world. They always brought fear, coercion, and a
• 1:27:38
  Speaker 1: bad conscience in their train. They were always of a
• 1:27:41
  Speaker 1: revolutionary tendency and a danger to the peace in which
• 1:27:45
  Speaker 1: I would willingly have been allowed to remain. There came
• 1:27:50
  Speaker 1: the years in which I had to discover anew that
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 1: there was within me, an instinct which had to lie
• 1:27:57
  Speaker 1: close and concealed in the bright world of more moor sanction.
• 1:28:02
  Speaker 1: As to every man, the slowly awakening sense of sex
• 1:28:05
  Speaker 1: came to me as an enemy and a destroyer, as
• 1:28:09
  Speaker 1: something forbidden, as seduction and sin. What my curiosity sought
• 1:28:15
  Speaker 1: to know, what caused me dreams, desire, and fear, the
• 1:28:19
  Speaker 1: great secret of puberty that was not at all in
• 1:28:22
  Speaker 1: keeping with the guarded happiness of my peaceful childhood. I
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 1: did as everyone else, I led the double life of
• 1:28:29
  Speaker 1: a child who was yet a child no longer. My
• 1:28:33
  Speaker 1: conscious self lived under the conditions sanctioned at home. It
• 1:28:37
  Speaker 1: denied the existence of the new world whose dawn glimmered
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 1: before me. But I lived as well in dreams impelled
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 1: by desires of a secret nature, upon which my conscious
• 1:28:48
  Speaker 1: self anxiously attempted to build a new fabric as the
• 1:28:51
  Speaker 1: world of my childhood fell into ruins about me. Like
• 1:28:56
  Speaker 1: almost all parents, my own did nothing to help the
• 1:28:59
  Speaker 1: awakening life instincts, about which not a syllable was uttered.
• 1:29:04
  Speaker 1: They only aided with untiring care my hopeless attempts to
• 1:29:08
  Speaker 1: deny the reality and to continue my existence in a
• 1:29:11
  Speaker 1: childlike world which was ever becoming more unreal and more mendacious.
• 1:29:17
  Speaker 1: I do not know whether parents can do much in
• 1:29:19
  Speaker 1: such a case, and I make mine no reproach. It
• 1:29:22
  Speaker 1: was my own affair to settle my difficulties and to
• 1:29:25
  Speaker 1: find my way, And I carried through the business badly,
• 1:29:29
  Speaker 1: like most of those who are well brought up. Every
• 1:29:33
  Speaker 1: man passes through this difficulty. For the average person, this
• 1:29:37
  Speaker 1: is the point in his life where the demands of
• 1:29:40
  Speaker 1: his own life come most in conflict with his surroundings,
• 1:29:44
  Speaker 1: where the road forward has to be attained through the
• 1:29:46
  Speaker 1: bitterest fighting. For many people, this is the only time
• 1:29:50
  Speaker 1: in their lives that they experience the sequence of death
• 1:29:53
  Speaker 1: and rebirth that is our fate, when they become conscious
• 1:29:57
  Speaker 1: of the slow process of the decay and breaking up
• 1:30:00
  Speaker 1: of the world of their childhood, when everything beloved of
• 1:30:04
  Speaker 1: us leaves us, and we suddenly feel the loneliness and
• 1:30:07
  Speaker 1: deathly cold of the universe around us. And for very
• 1:30:11
  Speaker 1: many this pitfall is fatal. They cling their whole life long,
• 1:30:16
  Speaker 1: painfully to the irrevocable past, to the dream of a
• 1:30:19
  Speaker 1: lost paradise, the worst and most deadly of all dreams.
• 1:30:25
  Speaker 1: But to return to the story. The sensation and dream
• 1:30:29
  Speaker 1: pictures in which the close of childhood presented itself to
• 1:30:32
  Speaker 1: me are not important enough to be described. The important
• 1:30:36
  Speaker 1: point was that I was once again conscious of the
• 1:30:39
  Speaker 1: existence of the dark world, the other world. What Frank
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 1: Kromer had once been to me, was now present within myself,
• 1:30:47
  Speaker 1: and so from the outside as well, the other world
• 1:30:50
  Speaker 1: once more gained power over me. Several years had passed
• 1:30:55
  Speaker 1: since my affair with Cromer, the dramatic and guilty time
• 1:30:59
  Speaker 1: of my life behind me at that time, and seemed
• 1:31:03
  Speaker 1: to have passed like a quick nightmare into nothingness. Frank
• 1:31:07
  Speaker 1: Cromer had long since disappeared from my life. I scarcely
• 1:31:11
  Speaker 1: gave it a moment's thought if I chanced to meet him.
• 1:31:14
  Speaker 1: But the other important figure in my tragedy, Max Damien,
• 1:31:18
  Speaker 1: never entirely disappeared from my life. However, for a long
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 1: time he stood on the far horizon, visible but not
• 1:31:26
  Speaker 1: affecting me only by degrees. He approached me again, and
• 1:31:30
  Speaker 1: I came once more under the ray of his power
• 1:31:32
  Speaker 1: and influence. I will try to recollect what I know
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 1: of Damien. In that period, perhaps for a year or longer.
• 1:31:42
  Speaker 1: I did not have a single conversation with him. I
• 1:31:45
  Speaker 1: avoided him, and he in no wise forced himself on me.
• 1:31:49
  Speaker 1: Once or twice when we met, he nodded to me
• 1:31:52
  Speaker 1: in friendly greeting. Then it seemed to me at times
• 1:31:55
  Speaker 1: that there was a note of scorn or ironical reproach
• 1:31:58
  Speaker 1: in his friendliness, but that might only have been imagination
• 1:32:01
  Speaker 1: on my part. My relation with him, and the strange
• 1:32:05
  Speaker 1: influence he had exercised over me, were as if forgotten
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 1: by him as well as by me. I tried to
• 1:32:13
  Speaker 1: recall his face. As I recollect him, I see that
• 1:32:16
  Speaker 1: I was conscious of his existence after all, and took
• 1:32:19
  Speaker 1: notice of him. I can see him going to school
• 1:32:23
  Speaker 1: alone or with some of the other big boys. I
• 1:32:26
  Speaker 1: see him walking among them like a stranger, lonely and still,
• 1:32:30
  Speaker 1: like a celestial body, enveloped in a different atmosphere and
• 1:32:34
  Speaker 1: subject to his own laws. No one liked him. He
• 1:32:39
  Speaker 1: was intimate with no one except his mother, and his
• 1:32:42
  Speaker 1: relations with her did not seem like those of a child,
• 1:32:45
  Speaker 1: but those of a grown up person. The masters left
• 1:32:49
  Speaker 1: him as much as possible in peace. He was a
• 1:32:52
  Speaker 1: good pupil, but he did not go out of his
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 1: way to please them. From time to time we heard
• 1:32:57
  Speaker 1: in gossip of a word, a comment or retort he
• 1:33:00
  Speaker 1: had made to a master, and which left nothing to
• 1:33:03
  Speaker 1: be desired in the way of blunt challenge or irony.
• 1:33:07
  Speaker 1: I call him to mind as I closed my eyes,
• 1:33:11
  Speaker 1: and I see his picture emerge. Where was it, ah,
• 1:33:15
  Speaker 1: Now I have it again. It was in the street
• 1:33:18
  Speaker 1: in front of our house. There. One day I saw
• 1:33:21
  Speaker 1: him standing a note book in his hand. I saw
• 1:33:25
  Speaker 1: that he was drawing. He was drawing the old crest
• 1:33:28
  Speaker 1: with the bird over the door of our house, and
• 1:33:31
  Speaker 1: I stood at a window concealed behind a curtain and
• 1:33:34
  Speaker 1: gazed at him. I saw with astonishment his attentive, cool,
• 1:33:39
  Speaker 1: bright features turned to the crest, the features of a
• 1:33:42
  Speaker 1: man of a research worker or an artist, superior and
• 1:33:46
  Speaker 1: full of will power, oddly bright and cool, with knowing eyes.
• 1:33:52
  Speaker 1: And again I can see him. It was a little
• 1:33:55
  Speaker 1: later in the street. We'd come out of school and
• 1:33:57
  Speaker 1: were all standing round a horse that had fallen and down.
• 1:34:01
  Speaker 1: It lay still, harnessed to the shaft in front of
• 1:34:04
  Speaker 1: a peasant's cart, and sniffed the air pitifully with open nostrils,
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 1: while blood flowed from an invisible wound, so that the
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 1: white dust in the street darkened as it became slowly saturated.
• 1:34:17
  Speaker 1: As I, with a feeling of nausea, turned my gaze away,
• 1:34:21
  Speaker 1: I saw Damien's face. He had not pressed forward. He
• 1:34:25
  Speaker 1: stood furthest back of all, rather elegant, quite at his ease,
• 1:34:29
  Speaker 1: as was proper to him. His gaze seemed to be
• 1:34:33
  Speaker 1: directed at the horse's head, and expressed again that deep, quiet,
• 1:34:37
  Speaker 1: almost fanatical, and yet calm, attentiveness. I could not resist
• 1:34:42
  Speaker 1: watching him some considerable time, and I remember feeling, though
• 1:34:46
  Speaker 1: quite unconsciously, that there was something very peculiar about him.
• 1:34:51
  Speaker 1: I saw Damien's face. I saw not only that he
• 1:34:54
  Speaker 1: had not the face of a boy, but that of
• 1:34:57
  Speaker 1: a man. I saw still more, I thought, I saw,
• 1:35:01
  Speaker 1: or felt that it was not the face of a man, either,
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 1: but something else. Besides. There seemed to be almost something
• 1:35:08
  Speaker 1: of the woman in his features. And particularly it seemed
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 1: to me, for a moment, not manly or boyish, nor
• 1:35:15
  Speaker 1: old or young, but somehow or other, a thousand years old,
• 1:35:20
  Speaker 1: not to be measured by time, bearing the stamp of
• 1:35:23
  Speaker 1: other epochs. Animals could look like that, or trees or stones.
• 1:35:29
  Speaker 1: I did not realize that precisely. I did not experience
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 1: the exact sensation which I, a grown up person, am
• 1:35:36
  Speaker 1: now describing. But what I felt then approximated in some
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 1: way to what I have just related. Perhaps he was beautiful,
• 1:35:44
  Speaker 1: perhaps he pleased me, Perhaps even he was repugnant. I
• 1:35:48
  Speaker 1: could not then determine. I saw only that he was
• 1:35:52
  Speaker 1: different from us. He was like an animal, or a
• 1:35:54
  Speaker 1: spirit or a picture. I know not what he was like,
• 1:35:58
  Speaker 1: but he was different, in conceivably different from us. All
• 1:36:03
  Speaker 1: my reminiscence tells me nothing more, and perhaps even what
• 1:36:07
  Speaker 1: has been described has arisen in part from later impressions.
• 1:36:13
  Speaker 1: Until I was several years older, I did not come
• 1:36:15
  Speaker 1: into close contact with him again. Contrary to custom, Damien
• 1:36:20
  Speaker 1: had not been confirmed with the boys of his year,
• 1:36:23
  Speaker 1: and in consequence fresh rumors concerning him were set afloat
• 1:36:27
  Speaker 1: in school. They were again saying that he was really
• 1:36:30
  Speaker 1: a Jew, or no a heathen, and others pretended to
• 1:36:33
  Speaker 1: know that he and his mother professed no religion or
• 1:36:37
  Speaker 1: that they belonged to a bad sect in mythology. In
• 1:36:40
  Speaker 1: connection with this, I seem to remember that he was
• 1:36:43
  Speaker 1: suspected of living with his mother as with a mistress.
• 1:36:47
  Speaker 1: Presumably the facts were that he had been up to
• 1:36:50
  Speaker 1: that time brought up without any denominational creed, and that
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 1: it was now thought that this might be disadvantageous for
• 1:36:57
  Speaker 1: his future career. In any case, his mother now decided
• 1:37:01
  Speaker 1: after all, to allow him to be prepared for confirmation
• 1:37:05
  Speaker 1: two years later than the boys of his own age.
• 1:37:08
  Speaker 1: Hence it came about that for months he was my
• 1:37:11
  Speaker 1: classmate in the confirmation class. For a time I kept
• 1:37:15
  Speaker 1: out of his way. I did not want to have
• 1:37:17
  Speaker 1: anything to do with him. Too many mysterious rumors had
• 1:37:20
  Speaker 1: become attached to his name. But above all things, I
• 1:37:24
  Speaker 1: was worried by a sense of obligation implanted in me
• 1:37:27
  Speaker 1: since my affair with Cromer, and just at that time
• 1:37:31
  Speaker 1: I had enough to do with my own secrets. For
• 1:37:35
  Speaker 1: the confirmation class coincided with the period when I was
• 1:37:38
  Speaker 1: definitely enlightened on matters of sex, and in spite of
• 1:37:42
  Speaker 1: my good will, my interest in the pious instruction was
• 1:37:46
  Speaker 1: on that account greatly diminished. The things of which the
• 1:37:49
  Speaker 1: clergyman spoke lay far from me in a still sacred
• 1:37:53
  Speaker 1: on reality. They may have been quite beautiful and valuable,
• 1:37:57
  Speaker 1: but in no way real and stirring, as were or
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 1: in the highest degree these other things. The more indifferent
• 1:38:04
  Speaker 1: I became under these conditions to our spiritual instruction, the
• 1:38:08
  Speaker 1: more was my interest drawn towards Max Damien. Again, something
• 1:38:13
  Speaker 1: or other seemed to unite us, as nearly as I remember,
• 1:38:17
  Speaker 1: it began in class early one morning, while the light
• 1:38:20
  Speaker 1: was still burning in the school room. The clergyman taking
• 1:38:24
  Speaker 1: the confirmation class happened to be talking about Cain, and
• 1:38:27
  Speaker 1: Abel I hardly paid any attention. I was sleepy and
• 1:38:32
  Speaker 1: scarcely listened then, with raised voice, the clergyman began to
• 1:38:36
  Speaker 1: speak fervently of Kin's sign. At this moment I felt
• 1:38:40
  Speaker 1: a sort of contact or exhortation, and looking up, I
• 1:38:44
  Speaker 1: saw Damien's face turned toward me from a row of
• 1:38:47
  Speaker 1: desks in front, with a bright, speaking look which could
• 1:38:51
  Speaker 1: have expressed scorn as much as seriousness. He looked at
• 1:38:55
  Speaker 1: me for a moment only, and suddenly I was listening
• 1:38:57
  Speaker 1: intently to the clergyman's words. I heard him speak of
• 1:39:01
  Speaker 1: Kine and the mark on his forehead, and suddenly I
• 1:39:04
  Speaker 1: felt deep within me the knowledge that the story could
• 1:39:07
  Speaker 1: have a different signification, that it could be looked at
• 1:39:11
  Speaker 1: from another view, that it was possible to be critical.
• 1:39:16
  Speaker 1: From that instant, the bond of communication between Damien and
• 1:39:19
  Speaker 1: myself was again established. And oddly enough, scarcely had this
• 1:39:24
  Speaker 1: sense of a certain solidarity between us presented itself to
• 1:39:28
  Speaker 1: my mind than I saw it transferred, as if by magic,
• 1:39:32
  Speaker 1: from the ideal world to the world of space. I
• 1:39:35
  Speaker 1: did not know whether he had been able to arrange
• 1:39:38
  Speaker 1: it himself, or whether it was pure chance. At that
• 1:39:41
  Speaker 1: time I believed firmly in chance. But a few days
• 1:39:44
  Speaker 1: after I noticed Damien had suddenly changed his place and
• 1:39:48
  Speaker 1: was now sitting directly in front of me. I recollect
• 1:39:52
  Speaker 1: still how pleasant it was, in the midst of the
• 1:39:54
  Speaker 1: miserable workhouse atmosphere of the overcrowded school room to sense
• 1:39:59
  Speaker 1: the delicate, fresh aroma of soap from his neck in
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 1: the morning. A few days later he had changed again,
• 1:40:06
  Speaker 1: and now he sat next to me, And there he stayed,
• 1:40:10
  Speaker 1: occupying the same place through the whole of that winter
• 1:40:13
  Speaker 1: and spring. Morning lessons had quite changed. They were no
• 1:40:18
  Speaker 1: longer sleepy and boring. I looked forward to them. Sometimes
• 1:40:22
  Speaker 1: we both listened to the clergyman with the greatest attention.
• 1:40:26
  Speaker 1: A glance from my neighbor would suffice, calling my attention
• 1:40:29
  Speaker 1: to a strange story or a peculiar text, and another
• 1:40:33
  Speaker 1: glance from him, a very decided one, acted on me
• 1:40:36
  Speaker 1: as an admonition, arousing criticism and doubt. But very often
• 1:40:42
  Speaker 1: we were bad pupils and heard nothing of the lesson.
• 1:40:45
  Speaker 1: Damien was always courteous towards masters and schoolfellows. I never
• 1:40:50
  Speaker 1: saw him commit a schoolboy prank, never heard him laugh
• 1:40:53
  Speaker 1: out loud or talk in class. He never drew on
• 1:40:56
  Speaker 1: himself the master's blame. But noiseless. Rather by signs and
• 1:41:02
  Speaker 1: glances than by whispered words. He knew how to let
• 1:41:05
  Speaker 1: me share in his own occupations. These were in part
• 1:41:09
  Speaker 1: of a peculiar nature. For instance, he told me which
• 1:41:13
  Speaker 1: of the fellows interested him, and in what manner he
• 1:41:16
  Speaker 1: studied them. He judged many of them with accuracy. He
• 1:41:21
  Speaker 1: used to say to me before the lesson, when I
• 1:41:24
  Speaker 1: signal to you with my thumb, so and so will
• 1:41:26
  Speaker 1: look round at us, or will scratch his neck, et cetera.
• 1:41:30
  Speaker 1: Then during the lesson, when I scarcely gave a thought
• 1:41:33
  Speaker 1: to what he had told me, Max would attract my
• 1:41:35
  Speaker 1: attention by suddenly bending his thumb. I would look up
• 1:41:39
  Speaker 1: quickly at the boy already designated, and every time, as
• 1:41:42
  Speaker 1: if attached to a wire, the fellow would make the
• 1:41:45
  Speaker 1: gesture required of him. I bothered Max to try this
• 1:41:49
  Speaker 1: on the Master, but he did not want to do it.
• 1:41:52
  Speaker 1: But once, when I came into class and told him
• 1:41:55
  Speaker 1: I had not done my preparation and that I hoped
• 1:41:57
  Speaker 1: the clergyman would not question me. That day, he helped me.
• 1:42:02
  Speaker 1: The Master looked around for a boy to recite a
• 1:42:04
  Speaker 1: portion of the Catechism, and his roving eye rested on me.
• 1:42:08
  Speaker 1: He approached me slowly, stretched out his finger in my direction,
• 1:42:13
  Speaker 1: and already had my name on his lips, when suddenly
• 1:42:16
  Speaker 1: he became absent minded or uneasy, put his hand to
• 1:42:19
  Speaker 1: his collar, stepped up to Damien, who looked fixedly into
• 1:42:23
  Speaker 1: his face. He seemed to want to ask him something,
• 1:42:27
  Speaker 1: but he turned away, to our surprise, coughed a little,
• 1:42:30
  Speaker 1: and put his question to another boy. These jokes amused
• 1:42:34
  Speaker 1: me very much, but only gradually did I notice that
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 1: my friend frequently played the same game with me. It
• 1:42:41
  Speaker 1: would happen that on my way home from school, I
• 1:42:44
  Speaker 1: had suddenly the feeling that Damien was a little way
• 1:42:47
  Speaker 1: behind me, and when I turned around there he was
• 1:42:50
  Speaker 1: sure enough. Can you really make another person think what
• 1:42:54
  Speaker 1: you want him to? I ask him. He gave me
• 1:42:57
  Speaker 1: information on the subject readily enough, quietly and pertinently, in
• 1:43:02
  Speaker 1: his grown up manner. No, he said, that can't be done.
• 1:43:07
  Speaker 1: That is to say, one hasn't a free will, even
• 1:43:10
  Speaker 1: if the parson acts that way. Neither can the other
• 1:43:13
  Speaker 1: person think as he will, nor can I make him
• 1:43:15
  Speaker 1: think what I want him to. But you can't observe
• 1:43:19
  Speaker 1: some one well, And then you can say fairly exactly
• 1:43:22
  Speaker 1: what he thinks or feels. In this way, you can
• 1:43:25
  Speaker 1: generally predict what he will do the moment after. It's
• 1:43:28
  Speaker 1: quite simple, but people merely do not know it naturally.
• 1:43:32
  Speaker 1: It requires practice. To take an example from the butterfly world,
• 1:43:37
  Speaker 1: there is a certain species of moth of which the
• 1:43:40
  Speaker 1: female is much rarer than the male. The moths reproduce
• 1:43:44
  Speaker 1: like other animals. The male impregnates the female, who then
• 1:43:47
  Speaker 1: lays the egg. Suppose you have in your possession a
• 1:43:50
  Speaker 1: female of this type of moth. Naturalists have often made
• 1:43:55
  Speaker 1: the experiment. Then the male moths fly in the night
• 1:43:58
  Speaker 1: to this female. They even make a flight of several
• 1:44:01
  Speaker 1: hours duration. Think of it, from many miles around. All
• 1:44:05
  Speaker 1: the males are conscious of the whereabouts of the only
• 1:44:08
  Speaker 1: female moth in the district. People have tried to explain that,
• 1:44:12
  Speaker 1: but it is not easy. Moths must have a sense
• 1:44:16
  Speaker 1: of smell, or something like it, which allows them to
• 1:44:19
  Speaker 1: pick up and follow an almost imperceptible scent like a
• 1:44:23
  Speaker 1: good hound. You understand, there are such things. Nature is
• 1:44:28
  Speaker 1: full of them, and no one can explain them. Now
• 1:44:32
  Speaker 1: I draw the conclusion that if among this class of
• 1:44:34
  Speaker 1: moths the females were as abundant as the males. Then
• 1:44:38
  Speaker 1: these latter would not have such a refined sense of smell.
• 1:44:42
  Speaker 1: They have it simply because they have been trained like that.
• 1:44:46
  Speaker 1: If an animal or a man concentrates his whole attention
• 1:44:49
  Speaker 1: and his whole will power on a certain thing, then
• 1:44:52
  Speaker 1: he attains it, that's all. And it is just the
• 1:44:56
  Speaker 1: same with what you have asked me. Observe a man
• 1:44:59
  Speaker 1: severeciently well, and you will know more about him than
• 1:45:02
  Speaker 1: he does himself. It lay on the tip of my
• 1:45:07
  Speaker 1: tongue to mention the word mind reading, and so to
• 1:45:10
  Speaker 1: remind him of the scene with Chromer, now relegated to
• 1:45:13
  Speaker 1: such a distant past. But the odd thing between us
• 1:45:17
  Speaker 1: both was that neither he nor I ever made the
• 1:45:19
  Speaker 1: slightest reference to the fact that several years ago he
• 1:45:22
  Speaker 1: had intervened so decisively in my life. It was as
• 1:45:27
  Speaker 1: if formerly there had been nothing between us, or as
• 1:45:30
  Speaker 1: if each of us reckoned that the other had forgotten
• 1:45:32
  Speaker 1: the affair. It even happened once or twice when we
• 1:45:36
  Speaker 1: were together, that we met Frank Kromer in the street,
• 1:45:39
  Speaker 1: but we exchanged no look, neither did we speak of him.
• 1:45:43
  Speaker 1: But what has that got to do with will power?
• 1:45:46
  Speaker 1: I asked. You said it was no such thing as
• 1:45:48
  Speaker 1: free will, And then you said one only had to
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 1: concentrate one's will on something to be able to attain
• 1:45:55
  Speaker 1: one's ends. That doesn't agree. If I am not master
• 1:45:59
  Speaker 1: of my will I will, then I can't direct it
• 1:46:01
  Speaker 1: here or there as I wish. AH good question, he said, laughing.
• 1:46:08
  Speaker 1: You should always ask questions, you must always doubt. But
• 1:46:12
  Speaker 1: the explanation is very simple. If a moth, for instance,
• 1:46:16
  Speaker 1: wants to concentrate his will power on a star or
• 1:46:20
  Speaker 1: something like that, he can't do it. Only he doesn't try.
• 1:46:25
  Speaker 1: He seeks only what has sense and value for him,
• 1:46:29
  Speaker 1: satisfies his needs. He gets what he absolutely must have,
• 1:46:34
  Speaker 1: and it is just there that the unbelievable succeeds. He
• 1:46:37
  Speaker 1: develops the marvelous sixth sense that no other animal besides
• 1:46:42
  Speaker 1: him has. People in our position have more elbow room, certainly,
• 1:46:47
  Speaker 1: and more interests than an animal. But even we are
• 1:46:50
  Speaker 1: confined to a comparatively small space beyond which we cannot go.
• 1:46:56
  Speaker 1: To be sure, I can imagine this or that, I
• 1:46:59
  Speaker 1: make myself blok believe that I absolutely want to get
• 1:47:02
  Speaker 1: to the North Pole or somewhere, But I can only
• 1:47:05
  Speaker 1: carry that out and wish it strongly enough, when the
• 1:47:08
  Speaker 1: desire lies right in myself, when my whole being is
• 1:47:12
  Speaker 1: really filled with it. As soon as that is the case,
• 1:47:16
  Speaker 1: as soon as you try to carry out an inward command,
• 1:47:19
  Speaker 1: then you succeed. Then you can harness your will as
• 1:47:22
  Speaker 1: you would a good nag. If, for instance, I resolved
• 1:47:26
  Speaker 1: that our good mister Parson shall not wear his spectacles
• 1:47:30
  Speaker 1: for the future, then that wouldn't work. That is merely play.
• 1:47:34
  Speaker 1: But when last autumn I had the fixed intention of
• 1:47:37
  Speaker 1: getting myself moved to another desk, I succeeded. Someone suddenly
• 1:47:42
  Speaker 1: arrived who came before me in the alphabet, and who
• 1:47:45
  Speaker 1: up to then had been ill. Because someone had to
• 1:47:48
  Speaker 1: make room for him. It was naturally I who did it,
• 1:47:51
  Speaker 1: because my willing it had made me ready to seize
• 1:47:54
  Speaker 1: the opportunity. Yes, I said, that seemed to me very
• 1:47:59
  Speaker 1: strange time. From the moment we began to get interested
• 1:48:03
  Speaker 1: in one another, you managed to get nearer and nearer
• 1:48:06
  Speaker 1: to me. But how was that you did not immediately
• 1:48:10
  Speaker 1: take a place next to me For a few lessons
• 1:48:13
  Speaker 1: At first you were sitting in the row of desks
• 1:48:15
  Speaker 1: in front of me. Weren't you How did that come about?
• 1:48:20
  Speaker 1: It was like this, I wasn't quite certain where I
• 1:48:23
  Speaker 1: wanted to go. When I wished to move from my
• 1:48:25
  Speaker 1: first place, I only knew that I wanted to sit
• 1:48:28
  Speaker 1: further back. It was my wish to move towards you,
• 1:48:32
  Speaker 1: but I was not conscious of this at the time. Simultaneously,
• 1:48:36
  Speaker 1: your own will was working with mine and helped me.
• 1:48:40
  Speaker 1: It was only when I sat in front of you
• 1:48:42
  Speaker 1: that I realized my wish was only half fulfilled. I
• 1:48:45
  Speaker 1: noticed that really I had desired nothing else than to
• 1:48:48
  Speaker 1: sit next to you. But on that occasion no newcomer arrived. No,
• 1:48:54
  Speaker 1: but then I simply did what I wished and sat
• 1:48:56
  Speaker 1: next to you without hesitation. The boy with whom my
• 1:49:00
  Speaker 1: changed places was simply surprised and let me do it
• 1:49:03
  Speaker 1: without further say. And the parson indeed noticed once that
• 1:49:08
  Speaker 1: a change had taken place. In fact, whenever he looks
• 1:49:11
  Speaker 1: at me, something worries him secretly. That is to say,
• 1:49:15
  Speaker 1: he knows my name is Damien and that something must
• 1:49:19
  Speaker 1: be wrong that I, whose initial is d am sitting
• 1:49:22
  Speaker 1: back there among the s's. But that does not penetrate
• 1:49:27
  Speaker 1: his consciousness because my will is against it, because I
• 1:49:31
  Speaker 1: prevent him again and again. From becoming conscious of it.
• 1:49:35
  Speaker 1: He notices now and then that something is wrong. He
• 1:49:38
  Speaker 1: looks at me and begins to study the question the
• 1:49:41
  Speaker 1: good fellow, But I have a simple means at my disposal.
• 1:49:46
  Speaker 1: I look at him very, very fixedly in the eyes.
• 1:49:50
  Speaker 1: Hardly anyone can bear that. They always get restive. If
• 1:49:54
  Speaker 1: you want to get something out of a person and
• 1:49:57
  Speaker 1: you fix him unexpectedly with your eyes, and if he
• 1:50:00
  Speaker 1: doesn't get restive, then give it up. You won't get
• 1:50:03
  Speaker 1: anything out of him ever. But that happens seldom. I
• 1:50:07
  Speaker 1: know only one single person with whom this trick won't
• 1:50:10
  Speaker 1: help me. Who is that? I asked quickly. He looked
• 1:50:15
  Speaker 1: at me with eyes somewhat closed, as his fashion was
• 1:50:18
  Speaker 1: when he meditated. Then he looked away and gave no answer.
• 1:50:22
  Speaker 1: And in spite of my lively curiosity, I could not
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 1: bring myself to repeat the question. But I believe he
• 1:50:29
  Speaker 1: was referring to his mother. He seemed to live on
• 1:50:33
  Speaker 1: very intimate terms with her, but he never spoke about her,
• 1:50:37
  Speaker 1: never invited me to his house. I scarcely knew what
• 1:50:41
  Speaker 1: his mother looked like. End of Chapter three, Part one,
• 1:50:46
  Speaker 1: The Thief on the Cross, Chapter three, The Thief on
• 1:50:51
  Speaker 1: the Cross, Part two. Several times I attempted to imitate
• 1:50:57
  Speaker 1: Damien's example by concentrating my will power on something so
• 1:51:02
  Speaker 1: firmly that I would have to attain it. I had
• 1:51:05
  Speaker 1: desires which seemed to me sufficiently pressing, but nothing came
• 1:51:10
  Speaker 1: of it. I could not bring myself to talk matters
• 1:51:13
  Speaker 1: over with Damien. I should not have been able to
• 1:51:15
  Speaker 1: make him understand what I wanted. He did not ask either.
• 1:51:20
  Speaker 1: My faith in matters of religion had meanwhile suffered many
• 1:51:23
  Speaker 1: a breach. Yet in my manner of thinking, which was
• 1:51:27
  Speaker 1: entirely under the influence of Damien, I was to be
• 1:51:30
  Speaker 1: distinguished from those of my schoolfellows who professed an entire disbelief.
• 1:51:36
  Speaker 1: There were a few such who let occasional phrases be
• 1:51:39
  Speaker 1: overheard to the effect that it was laughable and unworthy
• 1:51:43
  Speaker 1: of man's dignity to believe in a God, and that
• 1:51:47
  Speaker 1: stories such as those of the Trinity and the Immaculate
• 1:51:50
  Speaker 1: Conception of the Virgin Mary were simply a joke. It
• 1:51:54
  Speaker 1: was disgraceful, they said, that such rubbish was peddled about
• 1:51:58
  Speaker 1: to day. This was by no means my way of thinking.
• 1:52:02
  Speaker 1: Even where I had doubts. The whole experience of my
• 1:52:05
  Speaker 1: childhood taught me to believe in the efficacy of a
• 1:52:08
  Speaker 1: godly life, such as that led by my parents, which
• 1:52:12
  Speaker 1: I knew to be neither contemptible nor hypocritical. On the contrary,
• 1:52:17
  Speaker 1: now as before, I had the greatest reverence for the
• 1:52:20
  Speaker 1: spirit of religion. Only Damien had accustomed me to consider
• 1:52:25
  Speaker 1: and explain the stories and articles of belief from a
• 1:52:28
  Speaker 1: more liberal and more personal point of view, a point
• 1:52:32
  Speaker 1: of view in which fantasy and imagination had their share
• 1:52:36
  Speaker 1: at least. I always took great pleasure and enjoyment in
• 1:52:39
  Speaker 1: the interpretations he suggested to me. To be sure, much
• 1:52:43
  Speaker 1: seemed to me too crude, such as the Affair of Cain.
• 1:52:48
  Speaker 1: And once, during the preparation for confirmation, I was terrified
• 1:52:52
  Speaker 1: by a conception which, if that were possible, seemed to
• 1:52:56
  Speaker 1: me even still more daring. The Master had been speaking
• 1:52:59
  Speaker 1: of Golgotha, the biblical account of the passion and death
• 1:53:03
  Speaker 1: of Christ had from my earliest years made a deep
• 1:53:07
  Speaker 1: impression on me. As a little boy. On such days
• 1:53:10
  Speaker 1: as Good Friday, after my father had read out to
• 1:53:13
  Speaker 1: us the story of the Passion, I had lived in
• 1:53:16
  Speaker 1: imagination and with much emotion in Gethsemone and on Golgotha,
• 1:53:21
  Speaker 1: in that world so poignantly beautiful, pale and ghost like,
• 1:53:26
  Speaker 1: and yet so terribly alive. And when I listened to
• 1:53:29
  Speaker 1: the Passion, according to Saint matthew By Bach, I felt
• 1:53:33
  Speaker 1: the mystical thrills of this dark, powerful, mysterious world of
• 1:53:36
  Speaker 1: passion and suffering. I find in this music even today,
• 1:53:41
  Speaker 1: and in the Actus Tragicus, the essence of all poetry
• 1:53:45
  Speaker 1: and of all artistic expression. At the conclusion of the lesson,
• 1:53:50
  Speaker 1: Damien said to me contemplatively, there's something in this sinclair
• 1:53:55
  Speaker 1: which I don't like. Read through the story, consider it.
• 1:53:59
  Speaker 1: There's something there which sounds insipid. I mean, this business
• 1:54:03
  Speaker 1: of the two thieves, it's sublime, the three crosses standing
• 1:54:07
  Speaker 1: side by side on the hill. But what about the
• 1:54:09
  Speaker 1: sentimental story of the honest thief, which reads more like
• 1:54:13
  Speaker 1: a tract. First he was a criminal who had perpetrated
• 1:54:16
  Speaker 1: crimes and God knows what, And now he breaks out
• 1:54:20
  Speaker 1: in tears and is consumed by feelings of contrition and repentance.
• 1:54:25
  Speaker 1: I ask you, what's the sense of such a repentance?
• 1:54:28
  Speaker 1: Two steps from the grave it's nothing but a real
• 1:54:31
  Speaker 1: Parsons story, mawkish and mendacious, larded with emotion, and having
• 1:54:37
  Speaker 1: a most edifying background. If today you had to choose
• 1:54:42
  Speaker 1: one of the two thieves as your friend, or if
• 1:54:44
  Speaker 1: you consider which of the two you would sooner have trusted,
• 1:54:47
  Speaker 1: it would most certainly not be this weeping convert. No,
• 1:54:51
  Speaker 1: it's the other one, who's a real fellow with plenty
• 1:54:54
  Speaker 1: of character. He doesn't care a straw about conversion, which
• 1:54:58
  Speaker 1: in his case can mean simply nothing more than pretty speeches.
• 1:55:02
  Speaker 1: He goes his way bravely to the end, without being
• 1:55:05
  Speaker 1: such a coward as to renounce the devil in the
• 1:55:08
  Speaker 1: last moment, who up to that point has had to
• 1:55:11
  Speaker 1: help him. He is a character, and in Biblical history,
• 1:55:15
  Speaker 1: people of character always come off second best. Perhaps he's
• 1:55:20
  Speaker 1: a descendant of Cain, don't you think so? I was dismayed.
• 1:55:25
  Speaker 1: I had believed myself to be quite familiar with the
• 1:55:28
  Speaker 1: story of the Crucifixion, and now I saw for the
• 1:55:31
  Speaker 1: first time what little personal judgment I had brought to
• 1:55:34
  Speaker 1: bear on it, with what little force of imagination and
• 1:55:38
  Speaker 1: of fantasy I had listened to it and read it.
• 1:55:41
  Speaker 1: Damien's New ideas therefore were quite annoying, threatening to overthrow
• 1:55:46
  Speaker 1: conceptions the stability of which I had believed it necessary
• 1:55:49
  Speaker 1: to maintain. No one could not deal with anything and
• 1:55:53
  Speaker 1: everything like that, certainly not with the all holiest as always.
• 1:55:59
  Speaker 1: He noticed my position immediately, even before I had spoken
• 1:56:02
  Speaker 1: a word. I know, said he in a tone of resignation.
• 1:56:07
  Speaker 1: It's the old story. Everything is all right until you're
• 1:56:11
  Speaker 1: serious about it. But I'll tell you something. This is
• 1:56:14
  Speaker 1: one of the points where one can clearly see the
• 1:56:17
  Speaker 1: shortcomings of this religion. The fact is that this God
• 1:56:21
  Speaker 1: of the old and of the New dispensation may be
• 1:56:24
  Speaker 1: an excellent conception, but he is not what he really
• 1:56:27
  Speaker 1: ought to be. He is everything that is good, noble, fatherly, beautiful, sublime,
• 1:56:33
  Speaker 1: and sentimental, certainly, but the world consists of other things
• 1:56:37
  Speaker 1: which are simply ascribed to the devil. All this part
• 1:56:41
  Speaker 1: of the world, a good half, is suppressed and hushed up,
• 1:56:45
  Speaker 1: just the same as they praise God as the father
• 1:56:48
  Speaker 1: of all life, but pass over the whole sex life
• 1:56:52
  Speaker 1: on which all life depends, and declare it to be
• 1:56:55
  Speaker 1: sinful and the work of the devil. I have nothing
• 1:56:58
  Speaker 1: to say against honoring this God, Jehovah nothing at all.
• 1:57:02
  Speaker 1: But I think we should reverence everything and look upon
• 1:57:05
  Speaker 1: the whole world as sacred, not merely this artificially separated
• 1:57:10
  Speaker 1: official half of it. We ought, then, to worship the
• 1:57:13
  Speaker 1: devil as well as God. I should find that quite right.
• 1:57:18
  Speaker 1: Or we ought to create a God who would embody
• 1:57:20
  Speaker 1: the devil as well, and before whom we should not
• 1:57:23
  Speaker 1: have to close our eyes when the most natural things
• 1:57:26
  Speaker 1: in the world take place. Contrary to his custom, he
• 1:57:31
  Speaker 1: had become almost vehement, But he smiled again immediately, and
• 1:57:34
  Speaker 1: pressed me no further. But in me these words encountered
• 1:57:38
  Speaker 1: the riddle of my whole boyhood, which I had hourly
• 1:57:41
  Speaker 1: carried with me, but of which I had never spoken
• 1:57:44
  Speaker 1: to any one. What Damien had said about God and
• 1:57:48
  Speaker 1: the devil, about the official godly world and the suppressed
• 1:57:52
  Speaker 1: devil's world, that was exactly my own idea, my own myth,
• 1:57:57
  Speaker 1: the idea of the two worlds, or too heavy of
• 1:58:00
  Speaker 1: the world, the light and the dark. The realization that
• 1:58:04
  Speaker 1: my problem was a problem of humanity as a whole,
• 1:58:07
  Speaker 1: of life and thought in general, suddenly dawned on me,
• 1:58:11
  Speaker 1: And this recognition inspired me with fear and awe as
• 1:58:15
  Speaker 1: I suddenly felt, to what extent my own innermost personal
• 1:58:19
  Speaker 1: life and thought were part of the eternal stream of
• 1:58:22
  Speaker 1: great ideas. The realization was not joyful, although it confirmed
• 1:58:27
  Speaker 1: my mode of thought and made me happy to a
• 1:58:29
  Speaker 1: certain extent, it was hard and tasted raw, because a
• 1:58:34
  Speaker 1: hint of responsibility lay therein telling me to put away
• 1:58:38
  Speaker 1: childish things and to stand alone. I told my friend
• 1:58:44
  Speaker 1: the first time in my life I had revealed so
• 1:58:46
  Speaker 1: deep a secret of my conception of the two worlds,
• 1:58:49
  Speaker 1: a conception which had been formed since the earliest years
• 1:58:52
  Speaker 1: of my childhood. He at once saw that I was
• 1:58:55
  Speaker 1: in thorough agreement with him, but he was not the
• 1:58:58
  Speaker 1: kind to make the most of them. He listened with
• 1:59:01
  Speaker 1: greater attention than he had ever given me, and looked
• 1:59:04
  Speaker 1: me in the eyes until I had to turn away.
• 1:59:08
  Speaker 1: I again noticed in his look this odd, animal like timelessness,
• 1:59:13
  Speaker 1: this inconceivably old age. We will talk more about it
• 1:59:18
  Speaker 1: another time, he said, considerately, I see that you think
• 1:59:21
  Speaker 1: more than you can express. But if that is so,
• 1:59:25
  Speaker 1: then you also know that you have never lived in
• 1:59:27
  Speaker 1: experience all that you have thought, and that is not good.
• 1:59:32
  Speaker 1: Only the thought that we live through inexperience has any value.
• 1:59:37
  Speaker 1: You knew that your world of sanction was simply one
• 1:59:39
  Speaker 1: half of the world, and yet you tried to suppress
• 1:59:42
  Speaker 1: the other half in you, as do the parsons and teachers.
• 1:59:47
  Speaker 1: You will not succeed. No one succeeds who has once
• 1:59:51
  Speaker 1: begun to think. This impressed me deeply, but I almost shouted.
• 1:59:58
  Speaker 1: There are horrible things which are really an actually forbidden.
• 2:00:01
  Speaker 1: You can't deny that fact, and they are forbidden once
• 2:00:04
  Speaker 1: for all, and so we must renounce them. I know,
• 2:00:08
  Speaker 1: of course that there are such things as murder and
• 2:00:10
  Speaker 1: all possible kinds of vice. But shall I, then, simply
• 2:00:14
  Speaker 1: because such things exist, go and become a criminal. We
• 2:00:19
  Speaker 1: shan't be able to finish our discussion today, said Max
• 2:00:22
  Speaker 1: in a milder tone. You must certainly not commit murder
• 2:00:25
  Speaker 1: or rape. No, but you haven't yet reached that point
• 2:00:29
  Speaker 1: where one can see what is permitted and what is
• 2:00:31
  Speaker 1: really taboo. You have realized only a part of the truth.
• 2:00:36
  Speaker 1: The remainder will come after rely on it. For instance,
• 2:00:40
  Speaker 1: for the past year or so you have had in
• 2:00:42
  Speaker 1: you an instinct which is stronger than all the others,
• 2:00:45
  Speaker 1: and which is held to be taboo. The Greeks and
• 2:00:48
  Speaker 1: many other people, on the contrary, made a sort of
• 2:00:51
  Speaker 1: divinity out of this instinct and honored it by great celebrations.
• 2:00:56
  Speaker 1: What is now taboo is therefore not eternally, so it
• 2:01:00
  Speaker 1: can change to day. Every one is permitted to sleep
• 2:01:03
  Speaker 1: with a woman as soon as he has been with
• 2:01:05
  Speaker 1: her to a parson, and has gone through the ceremony
• 2:01:08
  Speaker 1: of marriage. With other races, it is different even to day.
• 2:01:13
  Speaker 1: For that reason, each one of us must find out
• 2:01:15
  Speaker 1: for himself what is permitted and what is forbidden forbidden.
• 2:01:20
  Speaker 1: That is, to himself, you need never do anything that
• 2:01:24
  Speaker 1: is forbidden, and yet be a thorough rascal, and vice versa.
• 2:01:28
  Speaker 1: It is really merely a question of convenience. Whoever is
• 2:01:32
  Speaker 1: too lazy to think for himself and to constitute himself
• 2:01:35
  Speaker 1: his own judge, simply conforms to the taboos, whatever they
• 2:01:39
  Speaker 1: happen to be. He has an easy time of it.
• 2:01:43
  Speaker 1: Others realize they carry laws in themselves. For them, things
• 2:01:48
  Speaker 1: are forbidden, which every man of honor does daily. On
• 2:01:52
  Speaker 1: the other hand, things are permitted them which are otherwise taboo.
• 2:01:56
  Speaker 1: Every One must stand up for himself. Suddenly, he seemed
• 2:02:01
  Speaker 1: to regret having said so, much and broke off. I
• 2:02:05
  Speaker 1: felt I could understand to a certain extent what his
• 2:02:07
  Speaker 1: sentiment was. That is to say, however agreeably he used
• 2:02:11
  Speaker 1: to present his ideas, apparently in a cursory manner. He
• 2:02:15
  Speaker 1: could on no account tolerate the conversation made simply for
• 2:02:19
  Speaker 1: the sake of talking. As he once said, he realized
• 2:02:22
  Speaker 1: in my case that although my interest was genuine enough,
• 2:02:26
  Speaker 1: I was too much inclined to look upon discussion as
• 2:02:29
  Speaker 1: a game, too fond of clever talking. In short, I
• 2:02:32
  Speaker 1: was lacking in perfect seriousness. As I read again the
• 2:02:37
  Speaker 1: words I have just written perfect seriousness, another scene suddenly
• 2:02:41
  Speaker 1: comes into my mind, the most impressive experience I lived
• 2:02:45
  Speaker 1: through with Max Damien. In those still half childlike times,
• 2:02:50
  Speaker 1: our confirmation classes were drawing to an end, and the
• 2:02:53
  Speaker 1: closing lessons were devoted to the last supper. The clergyman
• 2:02:58
  Speaker 1: thought this very important, and he took pains to make
• 2:03:01
  Speaker 1: us feel something of the inspiration and sacred character of
• 2:03:04
  Speaker 1: his teaching. However, precisely in those last few lessons, thoughts
• 2:03:09
  Speaker 1: were diverted to another object, to the person of my
• 2:03:13
  Speaker 1: friend looking forward to my confirmation, which was explained to
• 2:03:17
  Speaker 1: us as being our solemn admission into the community of
• 2:03:21
  Speaker 1: the church. The thought presented itself imperatively to me that
• 2:03:25
  Speaker 1: the value of this half year's religious instruction did not
• 2:03:29
  Speaker 1: lie for me in what I had learned in class,
• 2:03:32
  Speaker 1: but rather in Damien's presence and influence. It was not
• 2:03:36
  Speaker 1: into the church that I was ready to be received,
• 2:03:39
  Speaker 1: but into something else, into an order of ideas and
• 2:03:42
  Speaker 1: of personalities was surely existed somewhere or other on earth,
• 2:03:47
  Speaker 1: and of which I felt my friend was the representative
• 2:03:50
  Speaker 1: or messenger. I tried to repress this thought in spite
• 2:03:55
  Speaker 1: of everything. I earnestly intended to go through the ceremony
• 2:03:58
  Speaker 1: of confirmation with a certain dignity, and the new notions
• 2:04:02
  Speaker 1: I was forming seemed scarcely compatible with this. Yet do
• 2:04:07
  Speaker 1: what I would. The idea was there and gradually identified
• 2:04:11
  Speaker 1: itself with the approaching religious ceremony. I was ready to
• 2:04:15
  Speaker 1: celebrate it in a different fashion from the other confirmation candidates.
• 2:04:19
  Speaker 1: For me, it would mean admission into the world of
• 2:04:22
  Speaker 1: ideas with which I had become acquainted through Damien. In
• 2:04:27
  Speaker 1: those days. It happened that I had another discussion with him.
• 2:04:31
  Speaker 1: It was just before a lesson my friend was wrapped
• 2:04:34
  Speaker 1: up in himself and took little pleasure in my talk,
• 2:04:37
  Speaker 1: which was perhaps rather precocious and bombastic. We talked too much,
• 2:04:42
  Speaker 1: he said, with unwonted gravity. Wise, speeches have no value
• 2:04:46
  Speaker 1: at all, absolutely none. You only escape from yourself. To
• 2:04:51
  Speaker 1: escape from yourself is a sin. You should be able
• 2:04:54
  Speaker 1: to creep right into yourself like a tortoise. We entered
• 2:04:59
  Speaker 1: the school room immediately thereafter the lesson began. I took
• 2:05:03
  Speaker 1: pains to listen, and Damien did not disturb me in
• 2:05:06
  Speaker 1: my effort. After a while, I began to feel something
• 2:05:09
  Speaker 1: peculiar at my side, where his place was a sort
• 2:05:13
  Speaker 1: of emptiness or coolness, or something like that, as if
• 2:05:17
  Speaker 1: his seat had suddenly become vacant. The feeling became oppressive,
• 2:05:20
  Speaker 1: and I turned around. There I saw my friend sitting
• 2:05:24
  Speaker 1: upright in his customary attitude, but he looked quite different
• 2:05:28
  Speaker 1: from usual. Something I did not know went out from him,
• 2:05:32
  Speaker 1: enveloped him. I thought his eyes were closed until I
• 2:05:35
  Speaker 1: saw he held them open, but they were stiff, as
• 2:05:38
  Speaker 1: if gazing within or directed to an object a great
• 2:05:41
  Speaker 1: way off. He sat there, perfectly motionless. He seemed not
• 2:05:46
  Speaker 1: to be breathing, and his mouth was as if carved
• 2:05:49
  Speaker 1: out of wood or stone. His face was white, uniformly
• 2:05:53
  Speaker 1: white as stone. His brown hair showed more signs of
• 2:05:58
  Speaker 1: life than did any other feature. His hands lay before
• 2:06:01
  Speaker 1: him on the desk without life, as still as inanimate
• 2:06:05
  Speaker 1: objects like stones or fruit, white and motionless, yet not relaxed,
• 2:06:10
  Speaker 1: but as if controlling the secret springs of a powerful
• 2:06:14
  Speaker 1: life force. The sight made me tremble. He is dead,
• 2:06:18
  Speaker 1: I thought. I almost set it out loud, but I
• 2:06:21
  Speaker 1: knew he was not dead. Mesmerized, I hung on his look.
• 2:06:26
  Speaker 1: My eyes were riveted to this white stone mask. I
• 2:06:30
  Speaker 1: felt it was the real Damien, the Damien who was
• 2:06:33
  Speaker 1: in the habit of walking and talking with me. That
• 2:06:36
  Speaker 1: was only one side of him, a half damien who
• 2:06:40
  Speaker 1: from time to time played a part, who accommodated himself
• 2:06:43
  Speaker 1: to circumstances out of mere complaisance. But the real Damien
• 2:06:48
  Speaker 1: looked like this, with just this look of stone, prehistorically old,
• 2:06:53
  Speaker 1: like an animal, beautiful and cold, dead yet secretly full
• 2:06:57
  Speaker 1: of fabulous life force. And around on him this still emptiness,
• 2:07:02
  Speaker 1: this infinite ethereal space, this lonely death. Now he has
• 2:07:08
  Speaker 1: quite retired into himself, I felt, with a shudder, never
• 2:07:12
  Speaker 1: had I been so isolated, I had no part in him.
• 2:07:15
  Speaker 1: He was unattainable. He was further from me than if
• 2:07:19
  Speaker 1: he had been on the most distant isle in the world.
• 2:07:22
  Speaker 1: I scarcely understood why no one beside myself noticed it.
• 2:07:26
  Speaker 1: I thought that everyone would have to remark him, that
• 2:07:29
  Speaker 1: everyone would shudder, But no one gave him any attention.
• 2:07:33
  Speaker 1: He sat like a picture, and as I could not
• 2:07:35
  Speaker 1: prevent myself from thinking, as stiff as a strange idol.
• 2:07:40
  Speaker 1: A fly settled on his forehead, moved slowly down over
• 2:07:43
  Speaker 1: his nose and lips. Not a muscle, not a nerve
• 2:07:47
  Speaker 1: in his face twitched. Where where was he now? What
• 2:07:52
  Speaker 1: was he thinking? What was he feeling? Was he in
• 2:07:54
  Speaker 1: heaven or in hell? It was impossible for me to
• 2:07:58
  Speaker 1: question him. When I saw him at the end of
• 2:08:00
  Speaker 1: the lesson living and breathing again, when his glance met mine,
• 2:08:05
  Speaker 1: was he as he formerly had been? Where did he
• 2:08:08
  Speaker 1: come from? Where had he been? He seemed tired, His
• 2:08:12
  Speaker 1: face had its normal color. His hands moved again, but
• 2:08:16
  Speaker 1: his brown hair was lustreless and fatigued as it were
• 2:08:21
  Speaker 1: In the days following, I practiced a new exercise in
• 2:08:24
  Speaker 1: my bedroom. Several times I sat stiffly on a chair,
• 2:08:29
  Speaker 1: kept my eyes fixed, and held myself perfectly motionless. I
• 2:08:33
  Speaker 1: waited to see how long I could maintain this attitude
• 2:08:36
  Speaker 1: and what the sensation would be like. However, I merely
• 2:08:40
  Speaker 1: got very tired and suffered from a violent twitching of
• 2:08:43
  Speaker 1: the eyelids. The confirmation took place soon after, of which
• 2:08:48
  Speaker 1: no important recollections remained with me. Everything was now quite changed.
• 2:08:54
  Speaker 1: Childhood fell about me in ruins. My parents used to
• 2:08:57
  Speaker 1: look at me with a certain embarrassment. My sisters had
• 2:09:01
  Speaker 1: become quite strange in their conduct towards me. A disillusionment
• 2:09:05
  Speaker 1: falsified and weakened the old sentiments and pleasures. The garden
• 2:09:10
  Speaker 1: was without fragrance, the wood was no longer inviting. The
• 2:09:13
  Speaker 1: world around me seemed like a clearance sale of old articles,
• 2:09:17
  Speaker 1: insipid and without charm. Books were merely paper, music and noise.
• 2:09:23
  Speaker 1: The leaves fall thus from a tree in autumn. The
• 2:09:26
  Speaker 1: tree feels it not, rain drips on it, sun combs,
• 2:09:29
  Speaker 1: and frost, and the life in it recedes slowly into
• 2:09:33
  Speaker 1: the narrowest and most inward recess. The tree is not dying,
• 2:09:38
  Speaker 1: it is waiting. It was decided that after the holidays,
• 2:09:43
  Speaker 1: I should go to another school, leaving home for the
• 2:09:46
  Speaker 1: first time. My mother meanwhile approached me with especial tenderness,
• 2:09:51
  Speaker 1: a sort of preliminary good bye, endeavoring to charm me
• 2:09:55
  Speaker 1: with a love from which I should go with home.
• 2:09:57
  Speaker 1: Sickness and unforgetfulness in my heart. Art Damien had gone away.
• 2:10:03
  Speaker 1: I was alone end of chapter three, The Thief on
• 2:10:09
  Speaker 1: the Cross Chapter four Beatrice, Part one. Without having seen
• 2:10:17
  Speaker 1: my friend again, I traveled at the end of the
• 2:10:19
  Speaker 1: holidays to Saint Blank. Both my parents came with me
• 2:10:24
  Speaker 1: and handed me over with all possible care, to the
• 2:10:27
  Speaker 1: protection of a master of the school in whose house
• 2:10:30
  Speaker 1: I was to board. They would have been numb with
• 2:10:34
  Speaker 1: horror had they only known to what sort of fate
• 2:10:36
  Speaker 1: they were leaving me. It still hung in the balance
• 2:10:39
  Speaker 1: whether I should become, with time a good son and
• 2:10:43
  Speaker 1: a useful citizen, or whether my nature would break out
• 2:10:46
  Speaker 1: in other directions. My last attempt to be happy under
• 2:10:50
  Speaker 1: the roof of my father's house and the spirit prevailing there,
• 2:10:53
  Speaker 1: had lasted for a considerable period, and at times had
• 2:10:57
  Speaker 1: almost succeeded, only in the end to fail completely. The
• 2:11:02
  Speaker 1: curious emptiness and isolation which I had begun to feel
• 2:11:05
  Speaker 1: for the first time in the holidays after my confirmation.
• 2:11:09
  Speaker 1: How I learned to know it later. This emptiness, this
• 2:11:13
  Speaker 1: thin atmosphere, did not pass immediately. The parting from home
• 2:11:18
  Speaker 1: was for me peculiarly easy. I was really rather ashamed
• 2:11:22
  Speaker 1: of not being sadder. My sisters wept without reason. I
• 2:11:25
  Speaker 1: could not. I was astonished at myself. I had always
• 2:11:30
  Speaker 1: been an emotional child and at bottom tolerably good. Now
• 2:11:34
  Speaker 1: I was quite changed. I was completely indifferent towards the
• 2:11:38
  Speaker 1: outside world. For days together, my sole occupation was hearkening
• 2:11:43
  Speaker 1: to my inner self, listening to the flood of dark,
• 2:11:47
  Speaker 1: forbidden instincts which roared subterraneously within me. I had grown
• 2:11:52
  Speaker 1: very quickly in that last half year and appeared lanky,
• 2:11:56
  Speaker 1: thin and immature. The amiability of boyhood had completely disappeared
• 2:12:01
  Speaker 1: from my character. I realized myself that it was impossible
• 2:12:05
  Speaker 1: to like me thus, and I by no means loved myself.
• 2:12:09
  Speaker 1: I had often a great longing for Max Damien. On
• 2:12:13
  Speaker 1: the other hand, I hated him not seldom, and looked
• 2:12:16
  Speaker 1: upon him as responsible for the moral impoverishment of my life,
• 2:12:20
  Speaker 1: to which I resigned myself as to a sort of
• 2:12:23
  Speaker 1: nasty disease. In the beginning, I was neither liked nor
• 2:12:28
  Speaker 1: respected in our school boarding house. First they ragged me,
• 2:12:32
  Speaker 1: then kept out of my way, looking upon me as
• 2:12:35
  Speaker 1: a rotter and an eccentric character. I was pleased with myself,
• 2:12:40
  Speaker 1: and I even overplayed my part withdrawing into my solitary self,
• 2:12:44
  Speaker 1: growling occasional cynicisms. Superficially, I appeared to despise the world
• 2:12:50
  Speaker 1: in most manly fashion, whereas in reality I was secretly
• 2:12:54
  Speaker 1: consumed by melancholy and despair. In school, I could fall
• 2:12:59
  Speaker 1: back on a knowledge gemassed at home. The form I
• 2:13:02
  Speaker 1: was in was not so advanced as the same form
• 2:13:05
  Speaker 1: in the school I had just left, and so I
• 2:13:07
  Speaker 1: acquired the habit of despising my school contemporaries, regarding them
• 2:13:12
  Speaker 1: as mere children. This attitude lasted a year and longer.
• 2:13:17
  Speaker 1: My first holiday visits at home brought no change. I
• 2:13:21
  Speaker 1: went gladly away again. It was in the beginning of November.
• 2:13:28
  Speaker 1: I had formed the habit of taking short, meditative walks
• 2:13:31
  Speaker 1: in all kinds of weather, during which I often experienced
• 2:13:35
  Speaker 1: a sort of joy, a joy full of melancholy, contempt
• 2:13:39
  Speaker 1: of the world and contempt of self. I was sauntering
• 2:13:43
  Speaker 1: thus one evening through the damp, foggy twilight in a
• 2:13:46
  Speaker 1: suburb of the town. The broad drive of the public
• 2:13:50
  Speaker 1: park stood completely deserted, inviting me to enter. The road
• 2:13:55
  Speaker 1: lay thick with fallen leaves, into which I dug voluptuously
• 2:13:59
  Speaker 1: with my feet. It smelt damp and bitter. In the distance.
• 2:14:03
  Speaker 1: The trees stood up tall and shadowy, ghost like in
• 2:14:06
  Speaker 1: the fog. At the end of the drive, I stood
• 2:14:09
  Speaker 1: still and undecided, staring into the black foliage, scenting eagerly
• 2:14:14
  Speaker 1: the damp odor of decomposition and death, which seemed to
• 2:14:18
  Speaker 1: be in harmony with my own mood. Oh, how insipid
• 2:14:22
  Speaker 1: life tasted. A man with the collar of his raincoat
• 2:14:26
  Speaker 1: blowing about him came out of a side path. I
• 2:14:29
  Speaker 1: was just going on when he called me, Hello, Sinclair.
• 2:14:33
  Speaker 1: It happened to be Alphonse Beck, the senior boy of
• 2:14:36
  Speaker 1: the house. I was always glad to see him, and
• 2:14:39
  Speaker 1: had nothing against him, except that he always treated me
• 2:14:42
  Speaker 1: as he did all the younger boys, in an ironical
• 2:14:45
  Speaker 1: and grandfatherly manner. He passed for being as strong as
• 2:14:49
  Speaker 1: a bear, was said to have great influence on the
• 2:14:52
  Speaker 1: house master, and was the hero of many school stories.
• 2:14:57
  Speaker 1: What are you doing here? He asked, affably, in the
• 2:14:59
  Speaker 1: tone the seniors always used when they condescended on occasion
• 2:15:03
  Speaker 1: to talk to us, composing verse. I bet shouldn't dream
• 2:15:08
  Speaker 1: of it, I disclaimed gruffly. He laughed, came up to me,
• 2:15:13
  Speaker 1: and we chatted together in a manner to which I
• 2:15:15
  Speaker 1: had not been accustomed for some time past. You needn't
• 2:15:19
  Speaker 1: be afraid, Sinclair, that I shouldn't understand. I know the
• 2:15:23
  Speaker 1: feeling when one goes for a walk on a foggy evening,
• 2:15:26
  Speaker 1: The thoughts autumn inspires in one, and one writes poetry
• 2:15:31
  Speaker 1: about dying nature, of course, and spent youth, which is
• 2:15:35
  Speaker 1: very much like it read Heinrich. Heine. I'm not so sentimental,
• 2:15:41
  Speaker 1: I said, in self defense. Oh all right, but in
• 2:15:45
  Speaker 1: this weather, I think it does a man good to
• 2:15:48
  Speaker 1: find a quiet place where one can take a glass
• 2:15:50
  Speaker 1: of wine or something. Are you coming with me for
• 2:15:53
  Speaker 1: a bit? I happen to be quite alone? Or wouldn't
• 2:15:57
  Speaker 1: you care to? I wouldn't like to lead you astray,
• 2:15:59
  Speaker 1: Oh man, if you were one of those model boys.
• 2:16:03
  Speaker 1: A little while after we sat clinking our thick glasses
• 2:16:06
  Speaker 1: in a little tavern in the suburbs, drinking wine of
• 2:16:09
  Speaker 1: a doubtful quality. At first I wasn't much pleased. Still,
• 2:16:14
  Speaker 1: it was rather a novelty for me, But unaccustomed to wine,
• 2:16:19
  Speaker 1: I soon became talkative. It was as if a window
• 2:16:22
  Speaker 1: had been flung open within me, and the world shining in.
• 2:16:26
  Speaker 1: For How long, how terribly long had I not eased
• 2:16:30
  Speaker 1: my heart by talking? I gave full play to my imagination,
• 2:16:34
  Speaker 1: and once started, I related the story of Cain and
• 2:16:37
  Speaker 1: abel Beck listened to me with pleasure. Someone at last,
• 2:16:42
  Speaker 1: to whom I was giving something. He cleft me on
• 2:16:45
  Speaker 1: the shoulder, told me I was the devil of a
• 2:16:48
  Speaker 1: good fellow and a clever rascal. How I reveled in
• 2:16:51
  Speaker 1: communicating my opinions as I relieved myself of all the
• 2:16:55
  Speaker 1: pent up thought of the past months. My heart swelled
• 2:16:58
  Speaker 1: with pride at finding my talents recognized by someone older
• 2:17:02
  Speaker 1: than I was. When he called me a clever rascal,
• 2:17:06
  Speaker 1: the effect was like a sweet, strong wine running through me.
• 2:17:10
  Speaker 1: The world lit up in new colors. Thoughts came to
• 2:17:13
  Speaker 1: me as from a hundred sources. Wit and fire blazed
• 2:17:17
  Speaker 1: up in me. We spoke of masters and schoolfellows, and
• 2:17:20
  Speaker 1: I thought we understood one another wonderfully well. We talked
• 2:17:24
  Speaker 1: of Greeks and of Pagans, and Beck wished absolutely to
• 2:17:28
  Speaker 1: draw me out on the subject of women. But on
• 2:17:31
  Speaker 1: this point I could not converse. I had no experience,
• 2:17:35
  Speaker 1: nothing to relate. True. All that I had felt and
• 2:17:39
  Speaker 1: imagined was burning within me, but I could not impart
• 2:17:42
  Speaker 1: my thoughts, not even under the influence of wine. Beck
• 2:17:46
  Speaker 1: knew much more about girls, and I listened to his
• 2:17:49
  Speaker 1: tales with glowing eyes. The things I heard were unbelievable,
• 2:17:54
  Speaker 1: what I should never have conceived to be possible, and
• 2:17:57
  Speaker 1: to the sphere of commonplace reality, and seemed self evident.
• 2:18:02
  Speaker 1: Alf Fonse Beck, who was perhaps eighteen years old, was
• 2:18:06
  Speaker 1: already a man of experiences. Among other things, he told
• 2:18:11
  Speaker 1: me the girls liked boys to play the gallants with them,
• 2:18:14
  Speaker 1: but in general were too frightened to go any further.
• 2:18:17
  Speaker 1: You could hope for more success with women. Women were
• 2:18:20
  Speaker 1: much cleverer. For instance, there was missus Jagglt, who sold
• 2:18:25
  Speaker 1: pencils and copy books, who was much easier to deal with.
• 2:18:29
  Speaker 1: All that had happened behind the counter in her shop
• 2:18:32
  Speaker 1: was unprintable in any book I sat on. Captivated my
• 2:18:37
  Speaker 1: head was swimming. To be sure, I could not exactly
• 2:18:40
  Speaker 1: have loved missus Jagglet, but still it was unheard of.
• 2:18:45
  Speaker 1: It seemed as if things happened, at least to older
• 2:18:48
  Speaker 1: people of which I had never dreamed. There was a
• 2:18:51
  Speaker 1: false ring about it. To be sure, everything seemed more
• 2:18:54
  Speaker 1: trivial and commonplace, and did not coincide with my own
• 2:18:58
  Speaker 1: ideas about love. But still it was reality. It was
• 2:19:02
  Speaker 1: love and adventure. Some one sat next to me who
• 2:19:05
  Speaker 1: had lived it in experience, to whom it seemed a
• 2:19:08
  Speaker 1: matter of course, our conversation had reached a lower level,
• 2:19:14
  Speaker 1: had deteriorated. I was no longer a clever little fellow.
• 2:19:18
  Speaker 1: I was just a mere boy listening to a man.
• 2:19:21
  Speaker 1: But even then, in comparison with what my life had
• 2:19:24
  Speaker 1: been for months and months, this was delicious. This was heaven. Besides,
• 2:19:29
  Speaker 1: as I gradually began to realize, all this was forbidden,
• 2:19:33
  Speaker 1: absolutely forbidden, everything from sitting in the public house down
• 2:19:38
  Speaker 1: to the subject of our conversation. In any case, I
• 2:19:41
  Speaker 1: thought I was showing spirit. I was in revolt. I
• 2:19:46
  Speaker 1: can recollect that night with the greatest clearness. We both
• 2:19:49
  Speaker 1: of us wented our way home at a late hour,
• 2:19:52
  Speaker 1: under the dimly burning gas lights through the cool, damp night,
• 2:19:56
  Speaker 1: and for the first time in my life, I was drunk.
• 2:20:00
  Speaker 1: It was not agreeable, It was in the highest degree unpleasant,
• 2:20:05
  Speaker 1: but there was a sort of charm about it, a sweetness.
• 2:20:09
  Speaker 1: It smacked of oragy and revolt of spirit and life.
• 2:20:13
  Speaker 1: Beck bravely took me in hand, and although he grumbled
• 2:20:17
  Speaker 1: at me as being a bloody novice, he half carried
• 2:20:20
  Speaker 1: half dragged me home, where by good fortune he was
• 2:20:23
  Speaker 1: able to smuggle us both through a window which stood
• 2:20:26
  Speaker 1: open on the ground floor. But a maddening pang accompanied
• 2:20:31
  Speaker 1: the sobering up. As I painfully awoke after a short
• 2:20:34
  Speaker 1: heavy sleep, I sat up in bed and saw that
• 2:20:38
  Speaker 1: I was still wearing my shirt. My clothes and shoes
• 2:20:41
  Speaker 1: lay round about on the floor, smelling of tobacco and vomit.
• 2:20:46
  Speaker 1: And between headache, nausea and a maddening thirst, a picture
• 2:20:49
  Speaker 1: came before my mind on which I had not set
• 2:20:52
  Speaker 1: eyes for many a long day. I saw my home,
• 2:20:57
  Speaker 1: the house where dwelt, my parents. I saw father and mother,
• 2:21:02
  Speaker 1: my sisters and the garden. I saw my peaceful homely bedroom,
• 2:21:07
  Speaker 1: the school and the market place, Damien and the confirmation class,
• 2:21:11
  Speaker 1: and all this was bright, lustrous, all was wonderful, godly,
• 2:21:16
  Speaker 1: and pure. All that I realized now had until yesterday
• 2:21:20
  Speaker 1: belonged to me, had waited for me. But now in
• 2:21:24
  Speaker 1: this hour it was mine no longer. It spurned me
• 2:21:29
  Speaker 1: and looked upon me with disgust. All that was loving
• 2:21:32
  Speaker 1: and intimate, all that I had received from my parents,
• 2:21:36
  Speaker 1: since the first golden days of my childhood, each kiss
• 2:21:40
  Speaker 1: Mother had given me, each Christmas, each godly bright Sunday
• 2:21:45
  Speaker 1: morning there at home, each flower in the garden, all
• 2:21:49
  Speaker 1: that was laid waste. I had trampled on it, all
• 2:21:53
  Speaker 1: with my foot. If the police had come for me
• 2:21:57
  Speaker 1: then and had bound me and led me away to
• 2:21:59
  Speaker 1: the gallop, as a desecrator, and as the scum of humanity,
• 2:22:03
  Speaker 1: I should have acquiesced, should have gone gladly, I would
• 2:22:07
  Speaker 1: have found it right and fitting. That was the state
• 2:22:12
  Speaker 1: of my feelings. I who had gone about despising the world,
• 2:22:17
  Speaker 1: I who had been so proud in spirit, and who
• 2:22:19
  Speaker 1: had shared Damien's thoughts. So I appeared a filthy pig
• 2:22:24
  Speaker 1: to be classed with the scum of the earth, drunk
• 2:22:27
  Speaker 1: and befouled, disgusting and common a dissolute beast, carried away
• 2:22:33
  Speaker 1: by abominable instincts. So I appeared, I who came from
• 2:22:37
  Speaker 1: those gardens whose bright flowers had been purity and sweet gentleness,
• 2:22:42
  Speaker 1: I who had loved box music and beautiful poetry. I
• 2:22:46
  Speaker 1: could still hear, with aversion and disgust my own laugh,
• 2:22:51
  Speaker 1: the drunken, uncontrolled, convulsive and silly laugh which escaped me.
• 2:22:56
  Speaker 1: That was I. But in spite of it, there was
• 2:23:00
  Speaker 1: a certain enjoyment in suffering these torments. I had lived
• 2:23:04
  Speaker 1: for so long, a blind, dull existence. For so long
• 2:23:08
  Speaker 1: had my heart been silent, impoverished and shut up, that
• 2:23:12
  Speaker 1: even this self accusation, this self aversion, this entirely dreadful feeling,
• 2:23:18
  Speaker 1: was welcome. At least it was feeling. Flowers were flaring up,
• 2:23:23
  Speaker 1: emotion was quivering. Therein I experienced, in the midst of
• 2:23:28
  Speaker 1: my misery, a confused sensation of liberation, of the approach
• 2:23:32
  Speaker 1: of spring. However, as far as outward appearances went, I
• 2:23:37
  Speaker 1: was going fast down the hill. The first devache was
• 2:23:42
  Speaker 1: soon followed by others. There was much drinking at school
• 2:23:45
  Speaker 1: and other things not in accord with study. I was
• 2:23:49
  Speaker 1: among the youngest who carried on in this way. But
• 2:23:52
  Speaker 1: from being just tolerated and looked upon as a mere youngster,
• 2:23:56
  Speaker 1: I soon rose to be considered as a leader and
• 2:23:58
  Speaker 1: a star. I was renowned as a dare devil who
• 2:24:02
  Speaker 1: could drink with the best. Once again, I belonged entirely
• 2:24:05
  Speaker 1: to the dark world, to the devil, and I passed
• 2:24:08
  Speaker 1: in this world for being a splendid fellow. But at
• 2:24:12
  Speaker 1: the same time I was in a pitiful state of mind.
• 2:24:16
  Speaker 1: I lived in a whirl of self destroying debauchery. And
• 2:24:19
  Speaker 1: while I was looked up to by my friends as
• 2:24:22
  Speaker 1: a leader and the devil of a good fellow, as
• 2:24:25
  Speaker 1: a cursed, witty and spirited drinking companion, my anxious soul
• 2:24:29
  Speaker 1: was full of apprehension. I remember on one occasion tears
• 2:24:34
  Speaker 1: started to my eyes when, on coming out of a
• 2:24:37
  Speaker 1: tavern one Sunday morning, I saw children playing in the street,
• 2:24:41
  Speaker 1: bright and contented, with freshly combed hair and in their
• 2:24:45
  Speaker 1: Sunday clothes. And while I amused and often terrified my
• 2:24:49
  Speaker 1: friends with monstrous cynicisms as we sat at dirty tables
• 2:24:53
  Speaker 1: stained with puddles of beer in low public houses, I
• 2:24:56
  Speaker 1: had in my heart a secret, deep reverence for everything
• 2:25:00
  Speaker 1: at which I scoffed inwardly. I was weeping bitterly at
• 2:25:04
  Speaker 1: the thought of my past life, of my mother of God.
• 2:25:10
  Speaker 1: There is a good reason for the fact that I
• 2:25:12
  Speaker 1: was never one with my companions, that I remained lonely
• 2:25:15
  Speaker 1: even in their midst, that I suffered in the manner
• 2:25:18
  Speaker 1: above described. I was a hero of drinking bouts with
• 2:25:22
  Speaker 1: the roughest of them. I was a scoffer after their
• 2:25:25
  Speaker 1: own heart. I showed courage and wit in my ideas
• 2:25:29
  Speaker 1: and in my talks about masters, school parents, the church.
• 2:25:34
  Speaker 1: I listened to their smutty stories unflinchingly, and even ventured
• 2:25:38
  Speaker 1: one or two myself. But I was never about. When
• 2:25:41
  Speaker 1: my boon companions went off with girls. I remained behind alone,
• 2:25:47
  Speaker 1: filled with an ardent desire for love, a hopeless longing.
• 2:25:51
  Speaker 1: Whereas to judge from my conversation, I must have been
• 2:25:54
  Speaker 1: a hardened rake. No one was more vulnerable, no one
• 2:25:58
  Speaker 1: more chaste than I. And when from time to time
• 2:26:02
  Speaker 1: I saw young girls pass by in the town, pretty
• 2:26:05
  Speaker 1: and clean, bright and charming, they seemed to me like wonderful,
• 2:26:09
  Speaker 1: pure dream women, a thousand times too good and too
• 2:26:13
  Speaker 1: pure for me. For a long time I could not
• 2:26:16
  Speaker 1: bring myself to enter Missus Jaggles's stationary shop because I
• 2:26:20
  Speaker 1: blushed when I saw her and thought of what Alphonse
• 2:26:23
  Speaker 1: Beck had told me about her. The more I realized
• 2:26:27
  Speaker 1: how different I was from the members of my new set,
• 2:26:30
  Speaker 1: how isolated I was in their midst, the less easy
• 2:26:33
  Speaker 1: was it, for that very reason to break with them.
• 2:26:37
  Speaker 1: I do not really know whether the toping and bragging
• 2:26:40
  Speaker 1: ever caused me much pleasure, and I could never so
• 2:26:43
  Speaker 1: accustom myself to hard drinking that I did not feel
• 2:26:46
  Speaker 1: the painful consequences after each bout. I was as if
• 2:26:51
  Speaker 1: coerced into doing this. I did it because I had to,
• 2:26:55
  Speaker 1: because I was otherwise absolutely ignorant of a course to follow.
• 2:27:00
  Speaker 1: I knew not where to begin. I was afraid of
• 2:27:03
  Speaker 1: being long alone. I was frightened of the many tender, chaste,
• 2:27:08
  Speaker 1: intimate moods to which I constantly felt myself inclined. I
• 2:27:12
  Speaker 1: was afraid of the tender notions of love which so
• 2:27:15
  Speaker 1: often came to me. One thing I lacked most of
• 2:27:18
  Speaker 1: all a friend. There were two or three school fellows
• 2:27:22
  Speaker 1: whom I liked very much, but they belonged to the
• 2:27:25
  Speaker 1: good set, and my vices had for a long time
• 2:27:28
  Speaker 1: been a secret to no one. They avoided me with all.
• 2:27:33
  Speaker 1: I passed for a hopeless gamester under whose feet the
• 2:27:36
  Speaker 1: very earth quaked. The masters knew much about me. Severe
• 2:27:40
  Speaker 1: punishments were several times inflicted on me. My final expulsion
• 2:27:45
  Speaker 1: from the school was waited for with more or less certainty.
• 2:27:48
  Speaker 1: I knew that myself, for a long time I had
• 2:27:51
  Speaker 1: ceased to be a good pupil. I got through my
• 2:27:53
  Speaker 1: work by hook or by crook, with the feeling that
• 2:27:56
  Speaker 1: the state of affairs could not last much longer. There
• 2:28:01
  Speaker 1: are many ways by which God can make us feel
• 2:28:03
  Speaker 1: lonely and lead us to a consciousness of ourselves. With me,
• 2:28:08
  Speaker 1: it was in this way. It was like a bad
• 2:28:11
  Speaker 1: dream in which I saw myself ostracized fowl and clammy,
• 2:28:16
  Speaker 1: creeping restlessly and painfully over broken beer glasses down an
• 2:28:21
  Speaker 1: abominably unclean road. There are such dreams when you imagine
• 2:28:26
  Speaker 1: you have set out to find a beautiful princess, but
• 2:28:28
  Speaker 1: you stick in stinking back streets full of rubbish and
• 2:28:32
  Speaker 1: dirty puddles. So it was with me, in this scarcely
• 2:28:37
  Speaker 1: refined way, I was destined to become lonely and to
• 2:28:41
  Speaker 1: put between myself and my childhood, a locked door of Eden,
• 2:28:45
  Speaker 1: over against which stood merciless sentinels on guard in beaming
• 2:28:49
  Speaker 1: rays of light. It was a beginning, an awakening of
• 2:28:54
  Speaker 1: that homesickness, that longing to return to my true self.
• 2:28:59
  Speaker 1: I was terribly frighted, And when my father, alarmed by
• 2:29:02
  Speaker 1: a letter from my house master, appeared for the first
• 2:29:05
  Speaker 1: time in Saint Blank and faced me unexpectedly. When he
• 2:29:09
  Speaker 1: came for the second time towards the end of that winter,
• 2:29:13
  Speaker 1: I was hard and indifferent. I let him heap blame
• 2:29:16
  Speaker 1: on me. I let him beg me to think of
• 2:29:18
  Speaker 1: my mother. I was unmoved. Finally, he grew very angry
• 2:29:23
  Speaker 1: and said that if I did not turn over a
• 2:29:25
  Speaker 1: new leaf, he would have me disgraced and chased out
• 2:29:28
  Speaker 1: of the school, and would have me placed in a reformatory.
• 2:29:32
  Speaker 1: Little I cared when he went away. I felt sorry
• 2:29:36
  Speaker 1: for him, But he had accomplished nothing. He had found
• 2:29:39
  Speaker 1: no approach to me, and for a few moments I
• 2:29:42
  Speaker 1: felt that it served him right. I was indifferent as
• 2:29:46
  Speaker 1: to what might become of me in my peculiar and
• 2:29:49
  Speaker 1: unlovely manner, with my carrying on and my frequenting of
• 2:29:53
  Speaker 1: public houses. I was at odds with the world. This
• 2:29:57
  Speaker 1: was my way of protesting. I was ruining my myself thereby.
• 2:30:01
  Speaker 1: But what of it? Sometimes the case presented itself to
• 2:30:05
  Speaker 1: me in this wise. If the world had no use
• 2:30:08
  Speaker 1: for such as me, if there was no better place
• 2:30:10
  Speaker 1: for us, if there were no higher duties than people
• 2:30:14
  Speaker 1: like myself, simply went to the devil, so much the
• 2:30:17
  Speaker 1: worse for the world. The Christmas holidays of that year
• 2:30:21
  Speaker 1: were exceedingly unpleasant. My mother was terrified when she saw
• 2:30:25
  Speaker 1: me again. I had grown taller, and my thin face
• 2:30:29
  Speaker 1: looked gray and ravaged by dissipation, with flabby features and
• 2:30:33
  Speaker 1: inflamed rings round the eyes. My first indications of a mustache,
• 2:30:38
  Speaker 1: and the spectacles which I had but lately taken to wearing,
• 2:30:41
  Speaker 1: made me look stranger. Still, my sisters started back and
• 2:30:46
  Speaker 1: giggled when they saw me. It was all very pleasant.
• 2:30:49
  Speaker 1: Unpleasant was the conversation with my father in his study. Unpleasant,
• 2:30:53
  Speaker 1: the greeting of a couple of relations unpleasant. Above all
• 2:30:57
  Speaker 1: was Christmas night, that has been some since my birth,
• 2:31:00
  Speaker 1: the great day of our house, the evening of festivity
• 2:31:04
  Speaker 1: and love of gratitude over the renewal of the bond
• 2:31:07
  Speaker 1: between my parents and myself. This time everything was depressing
• 2:31:12
  Speaker 1: and embarrassing. As usual, my father read the portion of
• 2:31:16
  Speaker 1: the Gospel about the shepherds in the field keeping watch
• 2:31:19
  Speaker 1: over their flock by night. As usual, my sisters stood
• 2:31:23
  Speaker 1: radiantly before the table on which the presents were laid out.
• 2:31:27
  Speaker 1: But my father's voice was sad, and he looked old
• 2:31:31
  Speaker 1: and constrained. Mother was unhappy. For me. Everything was equally
• 2:31:35
  Speaker 1: painful and unwished for presents and good wishes, Gospel and
• 2:31:40
  Speaker 1: Christmas tree. The gingerbread smelt delicious and exhaled thick clouds
• 2:31:45
  Speaker 1: as of sweet remembrances. The Christmas tree was fragrant and
• 2:31:50
  Speaker 1: told of things which existed no longer. I longed for
• 2:31:54
  Speaker 1: the end of the evening and of the holidays. So
• 2:31:58
  Speaker 1: passed the whole winter. It was not long before I
• 2:32:02
  Speaker 1: was severely reprimanded by the faculty and threatened with expulsion.
• 2:32:06
  Speaker 1: It could not last much longer. Well, It made no
• 2:32:09
  Speaker 1: difference to me. I had a special grudge against Max Damien,
• 2:32:14
  Speaker 1: whom I had not seen for the whole of this period.
• 2:32:17
  Speaker 1: In my first term at Saint Blank, I had written
• 2:32:20
  Speaker 1: to him twice, but had received no reply. For that reason,
• 2:32:24
  Speaker 1: I had not paid him a visit in the holidays.
• 2:32:27
  Speaker 1: In the same park where I had met alfos Beck
• 2:32:30
  Speaker 1: in the autumn, it chanced that in the first days
• 2:32:33
  Speaker 1: of spring, just as the thorn hedges were beginning to
• 2:32:36
  Speaker 1: turn green, a girl attracted my attention. I was out
• 2:32:40
  Speaker 1: for a walk by myself, full of gnawing cares and
• 2:32:44
  Speaker 1: thoughts for my health was bad. Besides that, I was
• 2:32:48
  Speaker 1: in continual financial embarrassment. I owed various sums to my
• 2:32:52
  Speaker 1: friends and had to invent excuses to procure some money
• 2:32:55
  Speaker 1: from home. In several shops, I had run up accounts
• 2:32:59
  Speaker 1: for cigar and such things. Not that these cares were
• 2:33:02
  Speaker 1: very pressing. If the end of my school career was approaching,
• 2:33:06
  Speaker 1: and if I drowned myself or was sent to a
• 2:33:08
  Speaker 1: reform school, these trifles would not make much difference either.
• 2:33:13
  Speaker 1: But I was nevertheless constantly facing these unpleasant things, and
• 2:33:17
  Speaker 1: I suffered from it. On that spring day in the park,
• 2:33:21
  Speaker 1: I met a girl who had a strong attraction for me.
• 2:33:24
  Speaker 1: She was tall and slender, elegantly dressed, and had a wise,
• 2:33:29
  Speaker 1: boyish face. She pleased me at once. She belonged to
• 2:33:33
  Speaker 1: the type that I loved, and she began to work
• 2:33:36
  Speaker 1: upon my imagination. She was scarcely older than I, but
• 2:33:40
  Speaker 1: she was more mature. She was elegant and possessed a
• 2:33:44
  Speaker 1: good figure, already almost a woman, but with a touch
• 2:33:47
  Speaker 1: of youthful exuberance in her features, which pleased me exceedingly.
• 2:33:52
  Speaker 1: It was never my good fortune to approach a girl
• 2:33:55
  Speaker 1: with whom I could have fallen in love. Neither was
• 2:33:57
  Speaker 1: it my luck in this case. But the impression was
• 2:34:01
  Speaker 1: deeper than all the former ones, and the influence of
• 2:34:04
  Speaker 1: this infatuation on my life was powerful. Suddenly I had
• 2:34:08
  Speaker 1: again a picture standing before me, a revered picture. Ah,
• 2:34:13
  Speaker 1: And no need, no impulse was so deep or so
• 2:34:16
  Speaker 1: strong in me as the desire to revere, to adore.
• 2:34:21
  Speaker 1: I gave her the name of Beatrice, of whom, without
• 2:34:24
  Speaker 1: having read Dante, I knew something from an English painting,
• 2:34:28
  Speaker 1: a reproduction of which I had in my possession. The
• 2:34:32
  Speaker 1: picture was of an English pre Raphaelite girlish figure, very
• 2:34:36
  Speaker 1: long limbed and slender, with a small long head and
• 2:34:40
  Speaker 1: spiritualized hands and features. My beautiful young girl did not
• 2:34:45
  Speaker 1: completely resemble this, although she had the same slenderness and
• 2:34:49
  Speaker 1: boyish suppleness of figure which I loved and something of
• 2:34:53
  Speaker 1: the spiritualization of the face, as if her soul lay therein.
• 2:34:58
  Speaker 1: I never spoke a single word to Beatrice, yet at
• 2:35:02
  Speaker 1: that time she exercised the deepest influence over me. Her
• 2:35:06
  Speaker 1: picture fastened itself on my mind. In my imagination, she
• 2:35:10
  Speaker 1: opened a sanctuary for me. She caused me to pray
• 2:35:14
  Speaker 1: in a temple. From one day to another, I remained
• 2:35:17
  Speaker 1: absent from the drinking bouts and the nightly excursions. Once
• 2:35:22
  Speaker 1: more I could bear being alone. I read gladly. I
• 2:35:26
  Speaker 1: liked to go for walks again. I was much scoffed
• 2:35:29
  Speaker 1: at for my sudden conversion, but I had now something
• 2:35:32
  Speaker 1: to love and to worship. I had again an ideal
• 2:35:36
  Speaker 1: life was once more full of suggestion, of gaily colored
• 2:35:40
  Speaker 1: secret nuances that made me insensible to the jeers of
• 2:35:44
  Speaker 1: my companions. I again felt at home with myself, although
• 2:35:48
  Speaker 1: I was now the servant and slave of a picture
• 2:35:51
  Speaker 1: which I revered. End of Chapter four, Part one, Beatrice,
• 2:35:59
  Speaker 1: Chapter four Beatrice, Part two. I cannot think of that
• 2:36:05
  Speaker 1: time without a certain emotion. With earnest striving. I again
• 2:36:09
  Speaker 1: endeavored to build a bright world out of the ruins
• 2:36:13
  Speaker 1: of that period of my life. Which had broken up
• 2:36:15
  Speaker 1: around me. I again lived entirely and single mindedly in
• 2:36:20
  Speaker 1: the desire to put away the dark and the bed,
• 2:36:23
  Speaker 1: and to dwell completely in the light on my knees
• 2:36:27
  Speaker 1: before my gods. Still, this bright world I built up
• 2:36:32
  Speaker 1: was to a certain extent, my own creation. It was
• 2:36:35
  Speaker 1: not the action of flying back or of crawling back
• 2:36:38
  Speaker 1: to mother, to a security without responsibilities. It was a
• 2:36:43
  Speaker 1: news service upon which I entered, invented by myself for
• 2:36:47
  Speaker 1: my own requirements, with responsibilities and discipline of self. The
• 2:36:53
  Speaker 1: sex consciousness from which I suffered and before which I
• 2:36:56
  Speaker 1: was in constant flight, was now transmuted into this sacred
• 2:37:00
  Speaker 1: fire to spirit and devotion. The grim and horrible would disappear.
• 2:37:06
  Speaker 1: I should groan through no more agonizing nights. There would
• 2:37:10
  Speaker 1: be no more heart beatings in front of lewd pictures,
• 2:37:13
  Speaker 1: no more listening at forbidden doors, no more lasciviousness. Instead
• 2:37:19
  Speaker 1: of all this, I set up my altar with the
• 2:37:22
  Speaker 1: picture of Beatrice, and in dedicating myself to her, I
• 2:37:26
  Speaker 1: dedicated myself to the spirit and to the gods. That
• 2:37:31
  Speaker 1: part of myself which I withdrew from the powers of
• 2:37:34
  Speaker 1: darkness I brought as a sacrifice to the powers of light.
• 2:37:39
  Speaker 1: Not lust was my aim, but purity, not happiness, but
• 2:37:43
  Speaker 1: beauty and spirituality. This cult for Beatrice completely changed my life.
• 2:37:50
  Speaker 1: A precocious cynic, but a short while before I had
• 2:37:54
  Speaker 1: now become a servant in the temple, whose aim it
• 2:37:57
  Speaker 1: was to be a saint. I not only renounced the
• 2:38:00
  Speaker 1: evil life to which I had accustomed myself, but I
• 2:38:03
  Speaker 1: endeavored to change everything, to set myself a standard of purity, nobility,
• 2:38:09
  Speaker 1: and dignity, which I even applied to eating and drinking,
• 2:38:13
  Speaker 1: to my manner of speech and dress. I began each
• 2:38:16
  Speaker 1: morning to wash with cold water, to the use of
• 2:38:19
  Speaker 1: which I had in the beginning, to force myself. I
• 2:38:23
  Speaker 1: behaved with gravity and dignity, carried myself erect, and acquired
• 2:38:28
  Speaker 1: a slower and more dignified gait. To an observer it
• 2:38:32
  Speaker 1: might have seemed rather ludicrous, but to me it was
• 2:38:35
  Speaker 1: the performance of a divine worship. Of all the ways
• 2:38:39
  Speaker 1: in which I sought to find expression for my new faith,
• 2:38:43
  Speaker 1: one bore fruit I began to paint. To start with.
• 2:38:47
  Speaker 1: The English picture of Beatrice I had in my possession
• 2:38:50
  Speaker 1: did not bear a sufficient resemblance of Beatrice. I wanted
• 2:38:54
  Speaker 1: to try to paint her for myself. Full of new
• 2:38:58
  Speaker 1: pleasure and hope, I carried into my room. I had
• 2:39:01
  Speaker 1: recently been given a room to myself. Beautiful paper, colors
• 2:39:06
  Speaker 1: and a paint brush I made ready my palette, porcelain bowls,
• 2:39:10
  Speaker 1: glass and pencils. The fine water colors and little tubes
• 2:39:14
  Speaker 1: which I had bought captivated me. There was a bright chromic,
• 2:39:18
  Speaker 1: a green, which I think I can see yet, as
• 2:39:21
  Speaker 1: it flashed out for the first time from the little
• 2:39:23
  Speaker 1: white tube. I began with caution. To paint a face
• 2:39:28
  Speaker 1: was difficult. I wished first of all to try something else.
• 2:39:32
  Speaker 1: I painted ornaments, flowers, and small landscapes from imagination, a
• 2:39:37
  Speaker 1: tree near a chapel, a Roman bridge with cypresses. I
• 2:39:42
  Speaker 1: often lost myself completely in this pastime. I was as
• 2:39:46
  Speaker 1: happy as a child with a box of paints. At last,
• 2:39:49
  Speaker 1: I began to paint Beatrice. The first few attempts were abortive,
• 2:39:54
  Speaker 1: and I threw them away. The more I tried to
• 2:39:57
  Speaker 1: conjure up in my mind the face of the girl
• 2:40:00
  Speaker 1: whom I met from time to time in the street,
• 2:40:02
  Speaker 1: the less I seemed able to transfer my impressions to paper.
• 2:40:07
  Speaker 1: Finally I gave up the idea, and began simply to
• 2:40:10
  Speaker 1: paint a face according to the guidance of my imagination,
• 2:40:14
  Speaker 1: a face which gradually grew out of the one already begun,
• 2:40:18
  Speaker 1: as if by itself, at the mercy of color and brush.
• 2:40:22
  Speaker 1: The result was a face I had dreamed of, and
• 2:40:25
  Speaker 1: I was not ill pleased with it. Yet I made
• 2:40:28
  Speaker 1: another essay immediately, and each new picture was clearer and
• 2:40:33
  Speaker 1: approached more nearly to the type, but was by no
• 2:40:36
  Speaker 1: means like the reality. More and more I accustomed myself
• 2:40:41
  Speaker 1: in a dreamy sort of way, to draw lines with
• 2:40:44
  Speaker 1: my brush to fill in surfaces. My sketches grew out
• 2:40:48
  Speaker 1: of a few strokes of the brush, out of the unconscious.
• 2:40:52
  Speaker 1: At last, one day I finished a face, almost unconsciously,
• 2:40:56
  Speaker 1: which made a stronger appeal to me than the former ones.
• 2:41:00
  Speaker 1: It was not the face of the girl, for I
• 2:41:02
  Speaker 1: had long since given up the idea of trying to
• 2:41:04
  Speaker 1: paint my Beatrice to the life. It was something else,
• 2:41:09
  Speaker 1: something unreal, and yet not of less value for me
• 2:41:12
  Speaker 1: on that account. It looked more like the head of
• 2:41:15
  Speaker 1: a youth than of a girl. The hair was not blonde,
• 2:41:19
  Speaker 1: like that of my pretty girl, but brown, with a
• 2:41:22
  Speaker 1: tinge of red. The chin was strong and firm, but
• 2:41:25
  Speaker 1: the mouth was red as a blossom. The features were rigid,
• 2:41:29
  Speaker 1: like a mask, but impressive and full of secret life.
• 2:41:34
  Speaker 1: As I sat before the finished sketch, it made a
• 2:41:37
  Speaker 1: peculiar impression on me. It seemed to me a sort
• 2:41:41
  Speaker 1: of picture of a god, or of a sacred mask.
• 2:41:44
  Speaker 1: Half man, half woman, ageless, the expression being at once
• 2:41:49
  Speaker 1: dreamy and strong, willed, stiff, and yet secretly alive. This
• 2:41:54
  Speaker 1: face seemed to have something to say to me. It
• 2:41:57
  Speaker 1: belonged to me. Its look was rather perative, as if
• 2:42:01
  Speaker 1: requiring something of me, and there was a certain resemblance
• 2:42:05
  Speaker 1: to some one or other to whom I knew not.
• 2:42:10
  Speaker 1: The picture played an important role for a while, sharing
• 2:42:13
  Speaker 1: my thoughts and my life. I kept it concealed in
• 2:42:16
  Speaker 1: a drawer in order that one should not get possession
• 2:42:19
  Speaker 1: of it and so be able to sneer at me.
• 2:42:22
  Speaker 1: But as soon as I found myself alone in my
• 2:42:25
  Speaker 1: little room, I took out the picture and communed with it.
• 2:42:29
  Speaker 1: Each evening I pinned it on the wall over against
• 2:42:32
  Speaker 1: my bed, and gazed at it until I dropped off
• 2:42:35
  Speaker 1: to sleep in the morning. It was the first object
• 2:42:38
  Speaker 1: which met my gaze. Just at that time, I began
• 2:42:42
  Speaker 1: again to dream a great deal, as I had constantly
• 2:42:45
  Speaker 1: done when a child. It seemed to me that for
• 2:42:48
  Speaker 1: years I had had no more dreams. Now they came again,
• 2:42:52
  Speaker 1: quite a new kind of pictures. And often, and often
• 2:42:55
  Speaker 1: the painted image appeared Darien, living and speaking, friendly or inimical,
• 2:43:01
  Speaker 1: with the features sometimes twisted into a grimace, sometimes infinitely beautiful,
• 2:43:06
  Speaker 1: harmonious and noble. And one morning, as I awoke out
• 2:43:10
  Speaker 1: of such a dream, I suddenly realized who was the
• 2:43:13
  Speaker 1: original of the picture. I recognized it. It gazed at
• 2:43:17
  Speaker 1: me in such a fabulously well known way, and seemed
• 2:43:20
  Speaker 1: to be calling my name. It seemed to know me
• 2:43:24
  Speaker 1: like a mother, seemed to love me as if since
• 2:43:27
  Speaker 1: the beginning of time. With beating heart, I stared at
• 2:43:31
  Speaker 1: the paper, at the thick brown hair, at the half
• 2:43:34
  Speaker 1: womanly mouth, the strong forehead, with the wonderful brightness it
• 2:43:39
  Speaker 1: had dried that way of itself. And more and more
• 2:43:42
  Speaker 1: I felt in me the knowledge, the certainty of having
• 2:43:45
  Speaker 1: somewhere met the original of this picture. I sprang out
• 2:43:50
  Speaker 1: of bed, placed myself in front of the face, and
• 2:43:53
  Speaker 1: gazed at it from the closest proximity, straight into the
• 2:43:56
  Speaker 1: wide open, greenish staring eyes, the right eyes somewhat higher
• 2:44:00
  Speaker 1: than the other, and all at once this right eye
• 2:44:03
  Speaker 1: twitched perceptibly, but still decidedly, And from this twitching I
• 2:44:07
  Speaker 1: recognized the picture. How was it that I had found
• 2:44:11
  Speaker 1: it out so late? It was Damien's face. Later, I
• 2:44:15
  Speaker 1: often and often compared the picture with Damien's real features,
• 2:44:20
  Speaker 1: as they had remained in my memory. They were not
• 2:44:22
  Speaker 1: quite the same, although there was a resemblance, but it
• 2:44:26
  Speaker 1: was Damien. Nevertheless. Once, on an evening and early summer,
• 2:44:32
  Speaker 1: the red sun shone obliquely through my window, which looked
• 2:44:35
  Speaker 1: towards the west in the room the dusk was gathering.
• 2:44:39
  Speaker 1: I suddenly had the idea of pinning the picture of
• 2:44:42
  Speaker 1: Beatrice or of Damien to the cross bar of the window,
• 2:44:46
  Speaker 1: and of gazing at it while the evening sun was
• 2:44:48
  Speaker 1: shining through. The whole outline of the face disappeared, but
• 2:44:52
  Speaker 1: the reddish, shringed eyes, the brightness of the forehead, and
• 2:44:56
  Speaker 1: the strong red mouth glowed deeply and wildly from the
• 2:45:00
  Speaker 1: surface of the paper. I sat opposite it for a
• 2:45:03
  Speaker 1: long time, even after the light had died away, and
• 2:45:07
  Speaker 1: by degrees. The feeling came to me that this wasn't
• 2:45:11
  Speaker 1: Beatrice or Damien but myself. The picture did not resemble me.
• 2:45:18
  Speaker 1: It was not meant to, I felt, But there was
• 2:45:22
  Speaker 1: that in it which seemed to be made up of
• 2:45:24
  Speaker 1: my life, something of my inner self, of my fate,
• 2:45:29
  Speaker 1: or of my demon. My friend would look like that,
• 2:45:32
  Speaker 1: if I ever found another. My mistress would look like that,
• 2:45:36
  Speaker 1: if ever I had one, My life and death would
• 2:45:39
  Speaker 1: be like that. It had the ring and rhythm of
• 2:45:42
  Speaker 1: my fate. In those weeks I had begun to read
• 2:45:47
  Speaker 1: a book which made a deeper impression on me than
• 2:45:49
  Speaker 1: anything I had read before. Even in later years, I
• 2:45:53
  Speaker 1: have seldom chanced upon books which have made such a
• 2:45:56
  Speaker 1: strong appeal to me, except perhaps those of Nietzsche. It
• 2:46:01
  Speaker 1: was a volume of novaks, containing letters and epithems. There
• 2:46:06
  Speaker 1: was much that I did not understand, but the book
• 2:46:09
  Speaker 1: captivated me and occupied my thoughts to an extraordinary degree.
• 2:46:14
  Speaker 1: One of the aphorisms now occurred to me. I wrote
• 2:46:17
  Speaker 1: it with a pen under the picture. Fate and soul
• 2:46:21
  Speaker 1: are the terms of one conception that I now understood.
• 2:46:26
  Speaker 1: I frequently used to meet the girl I called Beatrice.
• 2:46:30
  Speaker 1: I felt no emotion on seeing her. But I was
• 2:46:33
  Speaker 1: often sensible of a harmony of sentiment which seemed to
• 2:46:37
  Speaker 1: say we are connected, or rather not you and I,
• 2:46:40
  Speaker 1: but your picture and I. You are a part of
• 2:46:43
  Speaker 1: my destiny. My longing for Max Damian was again eager.
• 2:46:49
  Speaker 1: I had had no news of him for several years.
• 2:46:52
  Speaker 1: On one occasion only I had met him in the holidays.
• 2:46:55
  Speaker 1: I see now that I have failed to mention this
• 2:46:58
  Speaker 1: short meeting in my narrative. I see that this was
• 2:47:01
  Speaker 1: owing to shame and self conceit on my part. I
• 2:47:05
  Speaker 1: must make up for it now. So then, once in
• 2:47:09
  Speaker 1: the holidays, I was parading my somewhat tired, blase self
• 2:47:13
  Speaker 1: through the town. As I was sauntering along, swinging my
• 2:47:17
  Speaker 1: stick and examining the old, unchanged features of the bourgeois
• 2:47:20
  Speaker 1: philistines whom I despised, I met my one time friend.
• 2:47:25
  Speaker 1: Scarcely had I caught sight of him. When I started
• 2:47:27
  Speaker 1: involuntarily with lightning rapidity. My thoughts were carried back to
• 2:47:32
  Speaker 1: Frank Cromer. I hoped and prayed Damien had really forgotten
• 2:47:36
  Speaker 1: the story. It was so disagreeable to be under this
• 2:47:39
  Speaker 1: obligation to him, simply owing to a silly, childish affair.
• 2:47:44
  Speaker 1: Still I was under an obligation. He seemed to be
• 2:47:48
  Speaker 1: waiting to see whether I would greet him. I did
• 2:47:51
  Speaker 1: as calmly as possible under the circumstances, and he gave
• 2:47:55
  Speaker 1: me his hand. This was indeed his old handshake, so strong,
• 2:48:00
  Speaker 1: warm and yet cool, so manly. He looked at me
• 2:48:04
  Speaker 1: attentively in the face and said, you've grown a lot, Sinclair.
• 2:48:08
  Speaker 1: He himself seemed quite unchanged, just as old, just as
• 2:48:12
  Speaker 1: young as ever. He proposed we should go for a walk,
• 2:48:16
  Speaker 1: and we talked of secondary matters, not of the past.
• 2:48:20
  Speaker 1: I remembered that I had written to him several times,
• 2:48:23
  Speaker 1: without having received an answer. I hoped he had forgotten
• 2:48:26
  Speaker 1: this as well, those silly, silly letters. He made no
• 2:48:30
  Speaker 1: mention of them. At that time, there was no Beatrice
• 2:48:34
  Speaker 1: and no picture. I was still in the period of
• 2:48:36
  Speaker 1: my dissipation. Outside the town. I invited him to come
• 2:48:40
  Speaker 1: with me into an inn. He came with much ostentation.
• 2:48:45
  Speaker 1: I ordered a bottle of wine and filled a couple
• 2:48:47
  Speaker 1: of glasses. I clinked glasses with him, showing him how
• 2:48:51
  Speaker 1: conversant I was with student drinking customs, and I emptied
• 2:48:55
  Speaker 1: my first glass at a gulp. Do you frequent public
• 2:48:59
  Speaker 1: house often? He asked me, Oh, yes, I said, with
• 2:49:03
  Speaker 1: a drawl. What else is there to do? Is certainly
• 2:49:07
  Speaker 1: more amusing than anything else? After all? You think so?
• 2:49:12
  Speaker 1: Perhaps it may be so, there's certainly something very pleasing
• 2:49:16
  Speaker 1: about it, intoxication, bacchanalian orgies. But I find with most
• 2:49:22
  Speaker 1: people who frequent public houses this sense of abandon is lost.
• 2:49:27
  Speaker 1: It seems to me there is something typically philistine bourgeois
• 2:49:31
  Speaker 1: in the public house habit. Of course, for just one
• 2:49:34
  Speaker 1: night with burning torches, to have a proper orgy and
• 2:49:38
  Speaker 1: drunken revel. But to do the same thing over and
• 2:49:41
  Speaker 1: over again, drinking one glass after another. That's hardly the
• 2:49:46
  Speaker 1: real thing. Can you imagine faust sitting evening after evening
• 2:49:50
  Speaker 1: drinking at the same table. I drank and looked at
• 2:49:55
  Speaker 1: him with some enmity. Yes, but everyone isn't a faust,
• 2:49:59
  Speaker 1: I said shurtly. He looked at me with a somewhat
• 2:50:02
  Speaker 1: surprised air. Then he laughed in his old superior way.
• 2:50:08
  Speaker 1: What's the good of quarreling about it? In any case,
• 2:50:10
  Speaker 1: the life of a toper, of a libertine is I imagine
• 2:50:15
  Speaker 1: more exciting than that of a blameless citizen, and then
• 2:50:19
  Speaker 1: I have read it somewhere. The life of a profligate
• 2:50:22
  Speaker 1: is one of the best preparations for a mystic. There
• 2:50:25
  Speaker 1: are always such people as Saint Augustine, who becomes seers.
• 2:50:30
  Speaker 1: Before he was a sort of rake and profligate. I
• 2:50:34
  Speaker 1: was distrustful and wished by no means to let him
• 2:50:36
  Speaker 1: take a superior attitude towards me, so I said, with
• 2:50:40
  Speaker 1: a blase air, Well, every one according to his taste.
• 2:50:44
  Speaker 1: I haven't the slightest intention of doing that, becoming a
• 2:50:48
  Speaker 1: seer or anything. Damien fleshed a glance at me from
• 2:50:52
  Speaker 1: half closed eyes. My dear Saint Clair, he said, slowly,
• 2:50:58
  Speaker 1: It wasn't my intention to her your feelings. Besides, neither
• 2:51:02
  Speaker 1: of us knows to what end you drink. There is
• 2:51:05
  Speaker 1: that in you which orders your life for you, and
• 2:51:09
  Speaker 1: which knows why you are doing it. It is good
• 2:51:12
  Speaker 1: to realize this. There is some one in us who
• 2:51:15
  Speaker 1: knows everything, wills everything, does everything better than we do ourselves.
• 2:51:20
  Speaker 1: But excuse me, I must go home. We did not
• 2:51:25
  Speaker 1: linger over our leave taking. I remained seated, very dejected
• 2:51:29
  Speaker 1: and emptied the bottle I found when I got up
• 2:51:32
  Speaker 1: to go, that Damien had already paid for it. That
• 2:51:36
  Speaker 1: made me more angry. Still, this little event recurred to
• 2:51:41
  Speaker 1: my thoughts, which were full of Damien, and the words
• 2:51:44
  Speaker 1: he had spoken in the inn came back to my mind,
• 2:51:47
  Speaker 1: retaining all their old freshness and significance. It is good
• 2:51:51
  Speaker 1: to know that there is one in us who knows everything.
• 2:51:56
  Speaker 1: I looked at the picture hanging in the window, now
• 2:51:58
  Speaker 1: quite dark, the eyes glowed still. It was Damien's look
• 2:52:04
  Speaker 1: on It was the look of the one inside me
• 2:52:07
  Speaker 1: who knows all. Oh, how I longed for Damien. I
• 2:52:11
  Speaker 1: knew nothing of his whereabouts. For me, he was unattainable.
• 2:52:16
  Speaker 1: I knew only that he was supposed to be studying
• 2:52:18
  Speaker 1: somewhere or other, and that, after the conclusion of his
• 2:52:21
  Speaker 1: school career, his mother had left the town. I called
• 2:52:25
  Speaker 1: up in my mind all the reminiscences of Max Damien,
• 2:52:29
  Speaker 1: from the Cromer affair onwards. A great deal he had
• 2:52:32
  Speaker 1: formerly said came back to me to day. Everything still
• 2:52:36
  Speaker 1: had a meaning, All was of real concern to me.
• 2:52:40
  Speaker 1: And what he had said at our last not very
• 2:52:42
  Speaker 1: agreeable meeting about the Libertine and the Saint suddenly crossed
• 2:52:46
  Speaker 1: my mind was it not just so with me. Had
• 2:52:50
  Speaker 1: I not lived in filth and drunkenness, my senses blunted
• 2:52:54
  Speaker 1: by dissipation until a new life impulse, the direct contrary
• 2:52:58
  Speaker 1: of the old, awoke in me, namely the desire for purity,
• 2:53:02
  Speaker 1: the longing to be saintly. So I went on from
• 2:53:07
  Speaker 1: reminiscence to reminiscence. Night had long since fallen, and outside
• 2:53:12
  Speaker 1: it was raining. In recollection as well, I heard it rain.
• 2:53:16
  Speaker 1: It was the hour under the chestnut trees when he
• 2:53:19
  Speaker 1: first questioned me concerning Frank Cromer. So guessing my first secrets.
• 2:53:25
  Speaker 1: One after another, these souvenirs came to mind conversations on
• 2:53:28
  Speaker 1: the way to school, the confirmation class, and then I
• 2:53:33
  Speaker 1: recollected my very first meeting with Max Damien. What had
• 2:53:37
  Speaker 1: we been talking about? I could not, for the moment recollect,
• 2:53:40
  Speaker 1: but I took my time, I thought deeply. At last
• 2:53:44
  Speaker 1: I remembered we were standing in front of our house,
• 2:53:47
  Speaker 1: after he had imparted to me his opinion about Caine.
• 2:53:51
  Speaker 1: Then he spoke to me about the old almost obliterated
• 2:53:54
  Speaker 1: crest which stood over the door in the keystone, which
• 2:53:58
  Speaker 1: widened as it got higher. He said it interested him
• 2:54:02
  Speaker 1: and that one ought not to let such things escape
• 2:54:05
  Speaker 1: one's notice. That night I dreamt of Damien and of
• 2:54:09
  Speaker 1: the crest. It changed perpetually. Now Damien held it in
• 2:54:14
  Speaker 1: his hands. Now it was small and gray, now very
• 2:54:17
  Speaker 1: large and multi colored. But he explained to me that
• 2:54:21
  Speaker 1: it was always one and the same. But at last
• 2:54:24
  Speaker 1: he forced me to eat the crest. As I swallowed it,
• 2:54:28
  Speaker 1: I felt with terror that the bird on the crest
• 2:54:31
  Speaker 1: was alive inside me. My stomach was swollen, and the
• 2:54:34
  Speaker 1: bird was beginning to consume me. With the fear of
• 2:54:38
  Speaker 1: death upon me, I commenced to struggle. Then I woke up.
• 2:54:43
  Speaker 1: I felt relieved. It was the middle of the night,
• 2:54:47
  Speaker 1: and I heard the rain blowing into the room. I
• 2:54:49
  Speaker 1: got up to close the window, and in doing so
• 2:54:52
  Speaker 1: I trod on a bright object which lay on the floor.
• 2:54:56
  Speaker 1: In the morning, I found it was my painting. It
• 2:54:59
  Speaker 1: was lying there in the wet and had rolled itself
• 2:55:01
  Speaker 1: up in order to dry it. I stretched it out
• 2:55:04
  Speaker 1: between two sheets of blotting paper and a place to
• 2:55:07
  Speaker 1: under a heavy book. When I looked at it the
• 2:55:10
  Speaker 1: next day, it was dry, but it had changed. The
• 2:55:13
  Speaker 1: red mouth had paled and become smaller. Now it was
• 2:55:17
  Speaker 1: exactly Damien's mouth. I now began to paint a new picture,
• 2:55:21
  Speaker 1: namely that of the bird on the crest. I could
• 2:55:24
  Speaker 1: not recollect any more what it really looked like. Neither
• 2:55:27
  Speaker 1: could I form a clear image of the hole, as
• 2:55:30
  Speaker 1: even if one stood directly in front of our door,
• 2:55:33
  Speaker 1: the crest was scarcely recognizable. It was so old and
• 2:55:37
  Speaker 1: had several times been painted over. The bird stood or
• 2:55:40
  Speaker 1: sat on something, perhaps on a flower, or on a basket,
• 2:55:45
  Speaker 1: or a nest, or on a tree top. I did
• 2:55:47
  Speaker 1: not bother about that. I began with the part I
• 2:55:50
  Speaker 1: could picture clearly. In answer to a confused prompting, I
• 2:55:54
  Speaker 1: began straightway, with strong colors on my paper. The head
• 2:55:58
  Speaker 1: of the bird was gold and yellow. I continued my
• 2:56:01
  Speaker 1: work at intervals when I was in the mood for it,
• 2:56:04
  Speaker 1: and after a few days the thing was completed. Now
• 2:56:07
  Speaker 1: it was a bird of prey with a sharp, bold hawkshead.
• 2:56:11
  Speaker 1: The lower half of the body was fixed in a
• 2:56:14
  Speaker 1: dark terrestrial globe out of which it was working to escape,
• 2:56:18
  Speaker 1: as if out of a giant egg. The background was
• 2:56:22
  Speaker 1: sky blue. The longer I gazed at the sheet, the
• 2:56:26
  Speaker 1: more it seemed to me this was the colored crest,
• 2:56:28
  Speaker 1: which I had visualized in my dream. It would not
• 2:56:32
  Speaker 1: have been possible for me to have written a letter
• 2:56:34
  Speaker 1: to Damien, even if I had known where to send it.
• 2:56:38
  Speaker 1: But I decided, acting under a suggestion which came to
• 2:56:41
  Speaker 1: me in a dreamy sort of way, as under all
• 2:56:44
  Speaker 1: my promptings of that period, to send him the picture
• 2:56:47
  Speaker 1: with the hawk, whether it would reach him or not.
• 2:56:51
  Speaker 1: I wrote nothing thereon, not even my name. I carefully
• 2:56:55
  Speaker 1: cut the border, bought a large paper cover, and wrote
• 2:56:58
  Speaker 1: on it my friend's farmer address. Then I sent it off.
• 2:57:04
  Speaker 1: The approach of an examination caused me to work harder
• 2:57:07
  Speaker 1: than usual in school. The masters had again received me
• 2:57:11
  Speaker 1: into grace, since I had suddenly changed my vile conduct.
• 2:57:15
  Speaker 1: I was not even now by any means a good pupil.
• 2:57:18
  Speaker 1: But neither I nor anyone else seemed to remember that
• 2:57:21
  Speaker 1: half a year before my expulsion from the school had
• 2:57:24
  Speaker 1: been eminent. My father now wrote to me as formerly,
• 2:57:28
  Speaker 1: adopting his old cheerful tone, without reproaches or threats. Yet
• 2:57:33
  Speaker 1: I had no impulse to explain to him, or to
• 2:57:35
  Speaker 1: anyone how the change was brought about. It was merely
• 2:57:39
  Speaker 1: chance that this change coincided with the wishes of my
• 2:57:43
  Speaker 1: parents and the masters. It did not bring me into
• 2:57:46
  Speaker 1: closer contact with the others, but isolated me still more.
• 2:57:50
  Speaker 1: I myself was ignorant of the tendency of the change
• 2:57:53
  Speaker 1: in me. It might be leading me to Damien, to
• 2:57:56
  Speaker 1: a distant fate. It had begun with Beatrice. But for
• 2:58:00
  Speaker 1: some time past I had been living in quite an
• 2:58:03
  Speaker 1: unreal world with my paintings and my thoughts of Damien,
• 2:58:07
  Speaker 1: so that she quite disappeared from my mind, as she
• 2:58:09
  Speaker 1: did from my view. I should not have been able
• 2:58:12
  Speaker 1: to say a word to any one of my dreams,
• 2:58:15
  Speaker 1: of my expectations of the interchange realized in me, not
• 2:58:19
  Speaker 1: even if I had wished to do so. But I
• 2:58:22
  Speaker 1: had not the faintest desire ever to broach the subject.
• 2:58:28
  Speaker 1: End of chapter four Beatrice. Chapter five, the bird fights
• 2:58:34
  Speaker 1: its way out of the egg. My painted dream bird
• 2:58:39
  Speaker 1: was on its way searching out my friend. An answer
• 2:58:43
  Speaker 1: came to me in the most curious manner. In my
• 2:58:46
  Speaker 1: class room in school, I found at my desk, in
• 2:58:49
  Speaker 1: the interval between two lessons, a piece of paper slipped
• 2:58:52
  Speaker 1: between the pages of my book. It was folded in
• 2:58:56
  Speaker 1: the manner we used for passing notes to one another
• 2:58:58
  Speaker 1: in class. I wondered who could have sent me such
• 2:59:01
  Speaker 1: a note, as I was not so intimate with any
• 2:59:04
  Speaker 1: of the boys that one of them should wish to
• 2:59:06
  Speaker 1: write to me. I thought it was a summons to
• 2:59:09
  Speaker 1: participate in some school rag or other, in which however,
• 2:59:13
  Speaker 1: I should not have taken part, And I replaced the
• 2:59:16
  Speaker 1: note unopened in my book. During the lesson, it fell
• 2:59:20
  Speaker 1: by chance into my hands again. I toyed with the paper,
• 2:59:24
  Speaker 1: unfolding it without thinking, and discovered a few words written thereon.
• 2:59:29
  Speaker 1: I threw a glance at the writing. One word riveted
• 2:59:32
  Speaker 1: my attention. Terrified, I read on while my heart seemed
• 2:59:37
  Speaker 1: to become numb with a sense of destiny. The bird
• 2:59:41
  Speaker 1: fights its way out of the egg. The egg is
• 2:59:44
  Speaker 1: the world. Whoever will be born must destroy a world.
• 2:59:49
  Speaker 1: The bird flies to God. The name of the god
• 2:59:52
  Speaker 1: is Abrexis. I sank into deep meditation. After I had
• 2:59:58
  Speaker 1: read the words through several times, it admitted of no doubt.
• 3:00:02
  Speaker 1: This was Damien's answer. None could know of the bird
• 3:00:06
  Speaker 1: except our two selves. He had received my picture, he
• 3:00:10
  Speaker 1: had understood and helped me to explain its significance. But
• 3:00:14
  Speaker 1: where was the connection in all this? And what worried
• 3:00:18
  Speaker 1: me above all, what did abrexas mean? I had never
• 3:00:21
  Speaker 1: read or heard of the word The name of the
• 3:00:24
  Speaker 1: god is Abrexas the hour passed without my hearing anything
• 3:00:30
  Speaker 1: of the lesson. The next lesson began the last of
• 3:00:34
  Speaker 1: the morning, and it was taken by quite a young
• 3:00:36
  Speaker 1: assistant master, fresh from the university, to whom we had
• 3:00:40
  Speaker 1: already taken a liking because he was young and pretended
• 3:00:43
  Speaker 1: to no false dignity with us. We were reading Herodotus
• 3:00:48
  Speaker 1: under Doctor Fallon's guidance. This was one of the few
• 3:00:51
  Speaker 1: school subjects which interested me, But this time my attention wandered.
• 3:00:57
  Speaker 1: I had mechanically flung open my book, but I did
• 3:00:59
  Speaker 1: not follow the translation, and remained lost in thought for
• 3:01:04
  Speaker 1: the rest. I had already several times had the experience
• 3:01:07
  Speaker 1: that what Damien had said to me in the confirmation
• 3:01:10
  Speaker 1: class was right. If you willed a thing strongly enough,
• 3:01:14
  Speaker 1: it happened. If during the lesson I was deeply immersed
• 3:01:18
  Speaker 1: in thought, I need not fear that the master would
• 3:01:20
  Speaker 1: disturb my peace. Certainly, if you were absent minded or sleepy,
• 3:01:26
  Speaker 1: then he stood suddenly there that had already happened to
• 3:01:29
  Speaker 1: me several times but if you were really thinking, if
• 3:01:33
  Speaker 1: you were genuinely sunk in thought, then you were safe.
• 3:01:37
  Speaker 1: And I had already put to the test what he
• 3:01:39
  Speaker 1: had said to me about fixing a person with one's
• 3:01:42
  Speaker 1: eyes when at school with Damien. I had never been
• 3:01:46
  Speaker 1: successful in this attempt, But now I often realized that
• 3:01:50
  Speaker 1: you could accomplish much simply by a fixed look and
• 3:01:54
  Speaker 1: deep thinking. So I was sitting now, my thoughts far
• 3:01:59
  Speaker 1: from her rudders and school. But the master's voice unexpectedly
• 3:02:04
  Speaker 1: fell on my consciousness like a thunder crash, so that
• 3:02:07
  Speaker 1: I started with fright. I listened to his voice. He
• 3:02:11
  Speaker 1: was standing quite close to me. I thought he had
• 3:02:13
  Speaker 1: already called me by name, but he did not look
• 3:02:16
  Speaker 1: at me. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I
• 3:02:20
  Speaker 1: heard his voice again, loudly, the word of Braxis fell
• 3:02:24
  Speaker 1: from his lips, continuing his explanation, the beginning of which
• 3:02:29
  Speaker 1: had escaped me. Doctor Foland said, we must not imagine
• 3:02:33
  Speaker 1: the ideas of those sects and mystical corporations of antiquity
• 3:02:38
  Speaker 1: to be as naive as they appear from the standpoint
• 3:02:41
  Speaker 1: of a rationalistic outlook. Antiquity knew absolutely nothing of science,
• 3:02:46
  Speaker 1: in our sense of the word. On the other hand,
• 3:02:50
  Speaker 1: more attention was paid to truths of a philosophical mystical nature,
• 3:02:55
  Speaker 1: which often attained to a very high stage of development.
• 3:02:59
  Speaker 1: In part arose therefrom and often led to fraud and crime.
• 3:03:05
  Speaker 1: But nonetheless, magic had a noble origin and was inspired
• 3:03:09
  Speaker 1: by deep thought. So it was with the teaching of
• 3:03:12
  Speaker 1: a Braxis, which I have just cited as an example.
• 3:03:16
  Speaker 1: This name is used in connection with Greek charm formulas.
• 3:03:20
  Speaker 1: Many opinions coincide in thinking it is the name of
• 3:03:24
  Speaker 1: some demon of magic, such as some savage people worshiped today,
• 3:03:29
  Speaker 1: But it appears that Abraxis had a much wider significance.
• 3:03:33
  Speaker 1: We can imagine the name to be that of a
• 3:03:35
  Speaker 1: divinity on whom the symbolical task was imposed of uniting
• 3:03:40
  Speaker 1: the divine and the diabolical. The learned little man continued
• 3:03:46
  Speaker 1: his discourse with much seriousness. No one was very attentive,
• 3:03:49
  Speaker 1: and as the name did not recur, I was soon
• 3:03:52
  Speaker 1: immersed in my own thoughts again. To unite the divine
• 3:03:57
  Speaker 1: and the diabolical rang in my ears. Here was a
• 3:04:00
  Speaker 1: starting point. I was familiar with that idea from my
• 3:04:04
  Speaker 1: conversations with Damien in the very last period of our friendship.
• 3:04:09
  Speaker 1: Damien told me, then we had indeed a God whom
• 3:04:12
  Speaker 1: we revered. But this God represented part of the world,
• 3:04:16
  Speaker 1: only the half which was arbitrarily separated from the rest.
• 3:04:20
  Speaker 1: It was the official, permitted, bright world. But one should
• 3:04:24
  Speaker 1: be able to hold the whole world in honor. One
• 3:04:27
  Speaker 1: should either have a God who was at the same
• 3:04:30
  Speaker 1: time a devil, or one should institute devil worship together
• 3:04:34
  Speaker 1: with worship of God. And now a Braxis was the
• 3:04:38
  Speaker 1: God who was at the same time God and devil.
• 3:04:42
  Speaker 1: For a long time I zealously sought to follow up
• 3:04:45
  Speaker 1: the tale of Ideas further, without success. In addition, I
• 3:04:50
  Speaker 1: rummaged through the whole library to find out more about
• 3:04:53
  Speaker 1: a Braxis, but in vain. However, it was not my
• 3:04:57
  Speaker 1: nature to concentrate my energies on a methiah medical search
• 3:05:00
  Speaker 1: after knowledge, a search which would reveal truths of a dead,
• 3:05:04
  Speaker 1: useless documentary kind. The figure of Beatrice, which had for
• 3:05:10
  Speaker 1: a certain time occupied so much of my attention, vanished
• 3:05:14
  Speaker 1: by degrees from my mind, or rather receded slowly, drawing
• 3:05:18
  Speaker 1: nearer and nearer to the horizon, becoming paler more like
• 3:05:23
  Speaker 1: a shadow. As it retreated, she satisfied my soul no longer.
• 3:05:28
  Speaker 1: A new spiritual development now began to take place in
• 3:05:32
  Speaker 1: the dreamy existence I led, this existence in which I
• 3:05:36
  Speaker 1: was strangely wrapped up in myself. The longing for a
• 3:05:40
  Speaker 1: full life glowed in me, or rather the longing for love.
• 3:05:45
  Speaker 1: The sex instinct, which for a time had been merged
• 3:05:47
  Speaker 1: into my worship of Beatrice, required new pictures and aims.
• 3:05:52
  Speaker 1: Fulfillment was denied me, and it was more impossible than
• 3:05:55
  Speaker 1: ever for me to delude myself by expecting anything of
• 3:05:59
  Speaker 1: the girls, who seen to have the happiness of my
• 3:06:01
  Speaker 1: comrades in their keeping. I again dreamed vividly, even more
• 3:06:06
  Speaker 1: by day than by night. Images presented themselves to me.
• 3:06:11
  Speaker 1: Desires in the shape of pictures rose up in my imagination,
• 3:06:15
  Speaker 1: withdrawing me from the outside world, so that my relations
• 3:06:19
  Speaker 1: with these pictures, with these dreams and shadows, were more
• 3:06:23
  Speaker 1: real and more intimate than with my actual surroundings. A
• 3:06:28
  Speaker 1: certain dream, or a play of fantasy, which recurred to me,
• 3:06:32
  Speaker 1: was full of significance. This dream, the most important and
• 3:06:35
  Speaker 1: the most enduring of my life, was as follows. I
• 3:06:39
  Speaker 1: returned home over the front door shown the crest with
• 3:06:43
  Speaker 1: the yellow bird on the blue ground. My mother came
• 3:06:46
  Speaker 1: to meet me, But as I entered and wished to
• 3:06:49
  Speaker 1: embrace her, it was not she but a shape I
• 3:06:52
  Speaker 1: had never before seen, tall and powerful, resembling Max Damien
• 3:06:56
  Speaker 1: and my painting, yet different and quite womanly. In spite
• 3:07:01
  Speaker 1: of its size, this figure drew me towards it and
• 3:07:05
  Speaker 1: held me in a quivering, passionate embrace. Rapture and horror
• 3:07:09
  Speaker 1: were mixed. The embrace was a sort of divine worship,
• 3:07:13
  Speaker 1: and yet a crime as well. Too much of the
• 3:07:16
  Speaker 1: memory of my mother, too much of a memory of
• 3:07:19
  Speaker 1: Max Damien was contained in the form which embraced me.
• 3:07:22
  Speaker 1: The embrace seemed repulsive to my sentiment of reverence, yet
• 3:07:26
  Speaker 1: I felt happy. I often awoke out of this dream
• 3:07:30
  Speaker 1: with a deep feeling of contentment, often with the fear
• 3:07:33
  Speaker 1: of death and a tormenting conscience, as if I were
• 3:07:36
  Speaker 1: guilty of a terrible sin. It was only gradually and
• 3:07:41
  Speaker 1: unconsciously that I realized the connection between this mental picture
• 3:07:46
  Speaker 1: and the hint which had come to me from outside
• 3:07:48
  Speaker 1: concerning the God of whom I was in search. However,
• 3:07:52
  Speaker 1: this connection became closer and more intimate, and I began
• 3:07:56
  Speaker 1: to feel that precisely in this dream, this present me
• 3:08:00
  Speaker 1: and I was invoking a braxis rapture and horror, man
• 3:08:05
  Speaker 1: and woman, the most sacred things and the most abominable,
• 3:08:09
  Speaker 1: interwoven the darkest guilt with the most tender innocence. Such
• 3:08:14
  Speaker 1: was the dream picture of my love. Such also was
• 3:08:18
  Speaker 1: a braxis. Love was no longer a dark animal impulse,
• 3:08:22
  Speaker 1: as I had felt with considerable anxiety in the beginning.
• 3:08:26
  Speaker 1: Neither was it a pious, spiritualized form of worship any longer,
• 3:08:30
  Speaker 1: such as I had bestowed upon the picture of Beatrice.
• 3:08:34
  Speaker 1: It was both both, and yet much more. It was
• 3:08:38
  Speaker 1: the image of an angel and of satan, man and
• 3:08:42
  Speaker 1: woman in one human being and animal, the highest good
• 3:08:47
  Speaker 1: and lowest evil. It was my destiny. It seemed that
• 3:08:51
  Speaker 1: I should experience this in my own life. I longed
• 3:08:54
  Speaker 1: for it and was afraid of it. I followed it
• 3:08:57
  Speaker 1: in my dreams, and took to flight before it. But
• 3:09:00
  Speaker 1: it was always there, was always standing over me. The
• 3:09:06
  Speaker 1: next spring I was to leave school and go to
• 3:09:08
  Speaker 1: some university to study where and what I knew. Not
• 3:09:12
  Speaker 1: A small mustache grew on my lip. I was a
• 3:09:15
  Speaker 1: grown man, and yet completely hopeless and aimless. Only one
• 3:09:20
  Speaker 1: thing was firm, the voice in me, the dream picture.
• 3:09:24
  Speaker 1: I felt it my duty to follow this guidance blindly,
• 3:09:28
  Speaker 1: but it was difficult, and daily I was on the
• 3:09:30
  Speaker 1: point of revolting. Perhaps I was mad. I often used
• 3:09:35
  Speaker 1: to think. Perhaps I was not as other men. But
• 3:09:39
  Speaker 1: I could do everything the others did with the little
• 3:09:41
  Speaker 1: pains and industry. I could read Plato, I could solve
• 3:09:45
  Speaker 1: a trigonometrical problem or work out a chemical analysis. Only
• 3:09:50
  Speaker 1: one thing I could not do discover the dark concealed
• 3:09:54
  Speaker 1: aim within me and make up my mind as others did.
• 3:09:59
  Speaker 1: Others who knew whether they wanted to be professors or judges,
• 3:10:03
  Speaker 1: doctors or artists. They knew what career to follow and
• 3:10:06
  Speaker 1: what advantages they would gain by it. But I was
• 3:10:09
  Speaker 1: not like that. Perhaps I would be like them some day,
• 3:10:13
  Speaker 1: But how was I to know. Perhaps I should have
• 3:10:16
  Speaker 1: to seek and seek for years and would make nothing
• 3:10:19
  Speaker 1: of myself, would attain no end. Perhaps I should attain
• 3:10:24
  Speaker 1: an end, but it might be wicked, dangerous, terrible. I
• 3:10:30
  Speaker 1: wanted only to try to live in obedience to the
• 3:10:33
  Speaker 1: promptings which came from my true self. Why was that
• 3:10:37
  Speaker 1: so very difficult. I often made the attempt to paint
• 3:10:42
  Speaker 1: the powerful love figure of my dream, but I never succeeded.
• 3:10:46
  Speaker 1: If I had been successful, I would have sent the
• 3:10:48
  Speaker 1: picture to Damien. Where was he? I knew not? I
• 3:10:53
  Speaker 1: only knew there was a bond of union between us.
• 3:10:56
  Speaker 1: When should I see him again? The pleasant tranquility of
• 3:11:00
  Speaker 1: those weeks and months of the Beatrice period was long
• 3:11:03
  Speaker 1: since gone. I thought at that time I had reached
• 3:11:07
  Speaker 1: a haven and had found peace. But it was ever
• 3:11:10
  Speaker 1: so scarcely that I begin to adapt myself to circumstances.
• 3:11:15
  Speaker 1: Scarcely had a dream done me good when it faded again?
• 3:11:19
  Speaker 1: In vain to complain. I now lived in a fire
• 3:11:23
  Speaker 1: of unstilled desires, of tense expectation, which often rendered me
• 3:11:28
  Speaker 1: completely wild and mad. I frequently saw before me the
• 3:11:32
  Speaker 1: picture of my dream mistress with extraordinary clearness, much more
• 3:11:37
  Speaker 1: clearly than I saw my own hand. I spoke to it,
• 3:11:40
  Speaker 1: wept over it, cursed it, I called it mother, and
• 3:11:44
  Speaker 1: knelt before it in tears. I called it my beloved
• 3:11:48
  Speaker 1: and felt its ripe kiss of fulfilled desire. I called
• 3:11:52
  Speaker 1: it devil and horror, vampire and murderer. It invited me
• 3:11:57
  Speaker 1: to the tenderest dreams of love and to the most
• 3:12:00
  Speaker 1: horrible abominations. Nothing was too good and precious for it,
• 3:12:04
  Speaker 1: nothing too bad and vile. I passed the whole of
• 3:12:08
  Speaker 1: that winter in a state of inward tumult difficult to describe.
• 3:12:13
  Speaker 1: I had long been accustomed to loneliness that did not
• 3:12:16
  Speaker 1: depress me. I lived with Damien, with the Hawk, with
• 3:12:20
  Speaker 1: my picture of the big dream figure, which was my
• 3:12:23
  Speaker 1: fate and my mistress. It sufficed to live in close
• 3:12:28
  Speaker 1: communion with those things, since they opened up a large
• 3:12:31
  Speaker 1: and broad perspective leading to abraxis. But I was not
• 3:12:36
  Speaker 1: able to summon up these dreams, these thoughts at will.
• 3:12:40
  Speaker 1: I could not invest them in colors as I pleased.
• 3:12:44
  Speaker 1: They came of themselves, taking possession of me, governing me
• 3:12:48
  Speaker 1: and shaping my life. I was secure in so far
• 3:12:52
  Speaker 1: as the outside world was concerned. I was afraid of
• 3:12:55
  Speaker 1: no one. My schoolfellows had learned to recognize that, and
• 3:13:00
  Speaker 1: observed a secret respect towards me, which often caused me
• 3:13:03
  Speaker 1: to smile when I wished. I could penetrate most of
• 3:13:07
  Speaker 1: them with a look, thereby surprising them occasionally. Only I
• 3:13:11
  Speaker 1: seldom or never wanted to do this. It was my
• 3:13:14
  Speaker 1: own self which occupied my attention, always myself, and yet
• 3:13:19
  Speaker 1: I longed ardently to live a bit of real life,
• 3:13:22
  Speaker 1: to give something of myself to the world, to enter
• 3:13:26
  Speaker 1: into contact and battle with it. Sometimes, as I wandered
• 3:13:30
  Speaker 1: through the streets in the evening and could not, through restlessness,
• 3:13:33
  Speaker 1: return home before midnight, I thought to myself, now I
• 3:13:37
  Speaker 1: cannot fail to meet my beloved. I shall overtake her
• 3:13:41
  Speaker 1: in the next corner. She will call me from the
• 3:13:43
  Speaker 1: next window. Sometimes all this seemed to torture me unbearably,
• 3:13:48
  Speaker 1: and I was quite prepared to take my own life
• 3:13:50
  Speaker 1: some day. At that time I found a peculiar refuge
• 3:13:55
  Speaker 1: by chance, as one says, But really such happening as
• 3:13:59
  Speaker 1: cannot be attributed to chance. When a person is in
• 3:14:03
  Speaker 1: need of something and the necessary happens, this is not
• 3:14:06
  Speaker 1: due to chance, but to himself. His own desire leads
• 3:14:10
  Speaker 1: him compellingly to the object of which he stands in need.
• 3:14:15
  Speaker 1: Two or three times during my wanderings through the streets,
• 3:14:18
  Speaker 1: I had heard the strains of an organ coming from
• 3:14:21
  Speaker 1: a little church in the suburbs, without however, stopping to listen.
• 3:14:25
  Speaker 1: The next time I passed by the church, I heard
• 3:14:28
  Speaker 1: it again and recognized that Bach was being played. I
• 3:14:32
  Speaker 1: went to the door, which I found to be locked.
• 3:14:36
  Speaker 1: As the street was practically empty, I sat down on
• 3:14:39
  Speaker 1: the curbstone close to the church, turned up the collar
• 3:14:42
  Speaker 1: of my coat, and listened. It was not a large organ,
• 3:14:46
  Speaker 1: but a good one. Nevertheless, whoever was playing, played wonderfully well,
• 3:14:51
  Speaker 1: almost like a virtuoso, but with a peculiar, highly personal
• 3:14:56
  Speaker 1: expression of will and perseverance, which seemed to me make
• 3:15:00
  Speaker 1: the music ring out like a prayer. I had the
• 3:15:03
  Speaker 1: feeling that the man who was playing knew a treasure
• 3:15:06
  Speaker 1: was shut up in the music, and he struggled and
• 3:15:09
  Speaker 1: tapped and knocked to get at the treasure, as if
• 3:15:12
  Speaker 1: his life depended on his finding it. In the technical sense,
• 3:15:16
  Speaker 1: I do not understand very much about music, but this
• 3:15:20
  Speaker 1: form of the soul's expression I have from my childhood
• 3:15:23
  Speaker 1: intuitively understood. I feel music is something which I can
• 3:15:28
  Speaker 1: comprehend without initiation. The organist next played something modern. It
• 3:15:35
  Speaker 1: might have been regular. The church was almost completely dark.
• 3:15:40
  Speaker 1: Only a very narrow beam of light shone through the
• 3:15:43
  Speaker 1: window nearest to me. I waited until the end, and
• 3:15:46
  Speaker 1: then walked up and down till the organist came out.
• 3:15:50
  Speaker 1: He was still a young man, though older than myself.
• 3:15:53
  Speaker 1: Robust and thick set. He walked quickly, taking powerful strides,
• 3:15:58
  Speaker 1: but as if forcing the pay against his will. Many
• 3:16:02
  Speaker 1: an evening thereafter I sat before the church, or walked
• 3:16:06
  Speaker 1: up and down once I found the door open, and
• 3:16:09
  Speaker 1: for half an hour I sat, shivering and happy inside,
• 3:16:13
  Speaker 1: while the organist played in the organ loft. By the
• 3:16:15
  Speaker 1: dim guess light of the music he played, I heard
• 3:16:19
  Speaker 1: not only what he himself put into it. There seemed
• 3:16:23
  Speaker 1: also to be a secret coherence in his repertory. Each
• 3:16:26
  Speaker 1: piece seemed to be the continuation of the one proceeding.
• 3:16:31
  Speaker 1: Everything he played was pious, expressing faith and devotion, but
• 3:16:37
  Speaker 1: not pious like churchgoers and clergymen, but like pilgrims and
• 3:16:42
  Speaker 1: beggars of the Middle Ages, pious with a reckless surrendered
• 3:16:46
  Speaker 1: to a world feeling which was superior to all confessions
• 3:16:50
  Speaker 1: of faith. He frequently played music by the pre Bach
• 3:16:54
  Speaker 1: composers and old Italian music, and all the pieces said
• 3:16:59
  Speaker 1: the same thing, all expressed what the musician had in
• 3:17:03
  Speaker 1: his soul, longing, a longing to identify one's self with
• 3:17:08
  Speaker 1: the world, and to tear one's self free again, listening
• 3:17:12
  Speaker 1: to the workings of one's own dark soul, an orgy
• 3:17:15
  Speaker 1: of devotion and lively curiosity of the wonderful. I once
• 3:17:20
  Speaker 1: secretly followed the organist as he left the church. He
• 3:17:24
  Speaker 1: continued his way to the outskirts of the town and
• 3:17:27
  Speaker 1: entered a little tavern. I could not resist the temptation
• 3:17:30
  Speaker 1: to go in after him. For the first time I
• 3:17:34
  Speaker 1: had a clear view of him. He sat at the
• 3:17:36
  Speaker 1: table in the corner of the little room, a black
• 3:17:39
  Speaker 1: felt hat on his head, a measure of wine before him,
• 3:17:43
  Speaker 1: and his face was just as I had expected it
• 3:17:45
  Speaker 1: to be. It was ugly and somewhat uncouth, with the
• 3:17:49
  Speaker 1: look of a seeker and of an eccentric, obstinate and
• 3:17:54
  Speaker 1: strong willed, with a soft and childish mouth. The expression
• 3:17:58
  Speaker 1: of what was strong and manner lay in the eyes
• 3:18:01
  Speaker 1: and forehead. On the lower half of the face sat
• 3:18:04
  Speaker 1: a look of gentleness and immaturity, rather effeminate in showing
• 3:18:09
  Speaker 1: a lack of self mastery. The chin indicated a boyish indecision,
• 3:18:14
  Speaker 1: as if in contradiction with the eyes and forehead. I
• 3:18:18
  Speaker 1: liked the dark brown eyes, full of pride and hostility, silently.
• 3:18:23
  Speaker 1: I took my place opposite him. There was no one
• 3:18:26
  Speaker 1: else in the tavern. He glared at me as if
• 3:18:30
  Speaker 1: he wished to chase me away. Nevertheless, I maintained my position,
• 3:18:34
  Speaker 1: looking at him unflinchingly, until at last he growled testily.
• 3:18:39
  Speaker 1: What the deuce are you staring at me for? Do
• 3:18:42
  Speaker 1: you want anything of me? I don't want anything, I said,
• 3:18:47
  Speaker 1: You have already given me much. He wrinkled his forehead. Ah,
• 3:18:52
  Speaker 1: you're a music enthusiast, are you. I think it's disgusting
• 3:18:56
  Speaker 1: to go mad over music. I did not let myself
• 3:18:59
  Speaker 1: be intimidated. I have so often listened to your playing
• 3:19:03
  Speaker 1: there in the church, I said, But I don't want
• 3:19:06
  Speaker 1: to bother you. I thought perhaps I should discover something
• 3:19:09
  Speaker 1: in you, something special. I don't know exactly what, but
• 3:19:13
  Speaker 1: please don't mind me. I can listen to you in
• 3:19:16
  Speaker 1: the church. Why I always lock the door? Just lately
• 3:19:21
  Speaker 1: you forgot and I sat inside. Otherwise I stand outside
• 3:19:25
  Speaker 1: or sit on the curbstone. Is that so another time
• 3:19:30
  Speaker 1: you can come inside it's warmer. You simply got to
• 3:19:33
  Speaker 1: knock on the door, but loudly and not while I'm playing. Now,
• 3:19:38
  Speaker 1: what did you want to say? But you're quite young,
• 3:19:41
  Speaker 1: apparently a schoolboy or a student. Are you a musician? No?
• 3:19:47
  Speaker 1: I like music, but only the kind you play, absolute music,
• 3:19:51
  Speaker 1: where one feels that someone is trying to fathom heaven
• 3:19:54
  Speaker 1: and Hell. I like music so much, I think because
• 3:19:58
  Speaker 1: it is not concerned with morals. Everything else is a
• 3:20:01
  Speaker 1: question of morals, and I am looking for something different.
• 3:20:05
  Speaker 1: Whatever has been concerned with morals has caused me only suffering.
• 3:20:10
  Speaker 1: I don't express myself properly. Do you know that there
• 3:20:13
  Speaker 1: must be a god who is at the same time
• 3:20:15
  Speaker 1: god and a devil? There must have been one, I
• 3:20:19
  Speaker 1: have heard so. The organist pushed back his broad hat
• 3:20:24
  Speaker 1: and shook the dark hair from his forehead. He looked
• 3:20:27
  Speaker 1: at me penetratingly and bent forward his face towards me
• 3:20:32
  Speaker 1: over the table. Softly and tensely, he questioned, what's the
• 3:20:36
  Speaker 1: name of the god of whom you are talking? Unfortunately
• 3:20:40
  Speaker 1: I know practically nothing about him, really, only his name.
• 3:20:44
  Speaker 1: His name's Abraxis. The musician looked distrustfully around, as if
• 3:20:50
  Speaker 1: some one might be eavesdropping. Then he bent toward me
• 3:20:53
  Speaker 1: and said, in a whisper. I thought, so, who are you?
• 3:20:58
  Speaker 1: I'm a student from the school. How do you know
• 3:21:01
  Speaker 1: about a Braxis? By chance? He thumped on the table
• 3:21:05
  Speaker 1: so that his wine spilled over chance. Don't talk nonsense,
• 3:21:09
  Speaker 1: young men. One doesn't know of a Braxis by chance?
• 3:21:13
  Speaker 1: Mark you, I will tell you something more of him.
• 3:21:16
  Speaker 1: I know a little about him. He ceased talking and
• 3:21:19
  Speaker 1: pushed back his chair. I looked at him expectantly, and
• 3:21:23
  Speaker 1: he made a grimace. Not here another time there, take these.
• 3:21:30
  Speaker 1: He dug his hand into the pocket of his overcoat,
• 3:21:33
  Speaker 1: which he had not taken off, and pulled out a
• 3:21:35
  Speaker 1: couple of roasted chestnuts, which he threw at me. I
• 3:21:39
  Speaker 1: said nothing. I took and ate them, and was very contented. Well,
• 3:21:44
  Speaker 1: he whispered after a while, how do you know about him?
• 3:21:49
  Speaker 1: I did not hesitate to tell him. I was lonely
• 3:21:52
  Speaker 1: and perplexed. I related. I called to mind a friend
• 3:21:56
  Speaker 1: of former years, who I think knows a great deal.
• 3:22:00
  Speaker 1: I had painted something a bird coming out of a
• 3:22:02
  Speaker 1: terrestrial globe. I sent this to him. After a time,
• 3:22:07
  Speaker 1: when I had begun to lose hope of a reply,
• 3:22:09
  Speaker 1: a piece of paper fell into my hands. On it
• 3:22:13
  Speaker 1: was written, the bird fights its way out of the egg.
• 3:22:17
  Speaker 1: The egg is the world whoever will be born must
• 3:22:21
  Speaker 1: destroy a world. The bird flies to God. The name
• 3:22:26
  Speaker 1: of the god is a brexas he answered nothing. We
• 3:22:33
  Speaker 1: peeled our chestnuts and ate them and drank our wine.
• 3:22:37
  Speaker 1: Shall we have another drink? He asked? Thanks, No, I
• 3:22:40
  Speaker 1: don't care much for drinking, he laughed, somewhat disappointedly. As
• 3:22:45
  Speaker 1: you wish, I am different. I am staying here. You
• 3:22:49
  Speaker 1: can go now. The next time I saw him, after
• 3:22:52
  Speaker 1: the organ recital, he was not very communicative. He conducted
• 3:22:57
  Speaker 1: me through an old street to an old, stately house,
• 3:23:00
  Speaker 1: and upstairs into a large, somewhat gloomy and untidy room, where,
• 3:23:05
  Speaker 1: besides a piano, there was nothing to indicate that its
• 3:23:08
  Speaker 1: occupant was a musician. Instead, a huge bookcase and writing
• 3:23:13
  Speaker 1: table gave the room a somewhat scholarly air. What a
• 3:23:18
  Speaker 1: lot of books you have, I said, appreciatively. A part
• 3:23:22
  Speaker 1: of them belongs to the library of my father, with
• 3:23:25
  Speaker 1: whom I live. Yes, young man, I live with my
• 3:23:28
  Speaker 1: father and mother, but I cannot introduce you to them,
• 3:23:31
  Speaker 1: as I and my acquaintances meet with but scant respect
• 3:23:35
  Speaker 1: at home. I am a prodigal son. You see, my
• 3:23:39
  Speaker 1: father is very much looked up to. He is a
• 3:23:41
  Speaker 1: well known clergyman and preacher in this town, and I
• 3:23:46
  Speaker 1: to let you know at once, am his talented and
• 3:23:48
  Speaker 1: promising son, who, however, is guilty of many back slidings.
• 3:23:53
  Speaker 1: And to a certain extent. Mad I was studying theology
• 3:23:58
  Speaker 1: and deserted this holy world the faculty shortly before my
• 3:24:01
  Speaker 1: final examination. Although really I am still in the same
• 3:24:05
  Speaker 1: line as far as concerns my private studies. For me,
• 3:24:09
  Speaker 1: it is still of the highest importance and interest what
• 3:24:12
  Speaker 1: sort of God's people have invented for themselves at various times.
• 3:24:17
  Speaker 1: I am a musician into the bargain, and shall soon
• 3:24:20
  Speaker 1: get a post as organists. I think, then I shall
• 3:24:23
  Speaker 1: be in the church again. I glanced over the backs
• 3:24:28
  Speaker 1: of the books and found Greek, Latin, Hebrew titles as
• 3:24:32
  Speaker 1: far as I could see by the feeble light of
• 3:24:34
  Speaker 1: the lamp on the table. My acquaintance meanwhile had taken
• 3:24:38
  Speaker 1: up a position on the floor in the dark by
• 3:24:41
  Speaker 1: the wall. Come here, he called. After a while, we
• 3:24:45
  Speaker 1: will practice a little philosophy that means keeping one's mouth shut,
• 3:24:50
  Speaker 1: lying on one's stomach, and thinking. He struck a match
• 3:24:54
  Speaker 1: and applied it to the paper and wood in the fireplace.
• 3:24:57
  Speaker 1: In front of which he was lying. The flame leapt up.
• 3:25:01
  Speaker 1: He poked and blew the fire with great skill. I
• 3:25:05
  Speaker 1: lay down near him on the ragged carpet. He was
• 3:25:08
  Speaker 1: staring into the flames, which drew my attention as well,
• 3:25:11
  Speaker 1: And we lay silent for perhaps a whole hour, stretched
• 3:25:16
  Speaker 1: out in front of the flaring wood fire. We watched
• 3:25:19
  Speaker 1: it flame and roar, die down, and flicker up again,
• 3:25:23
  Speaker 1: until finally it settled down into a subdued glow. Fire
• 3:25:28
  Speaker 1: worship was not, by any means the silliest form of
• 3:25:31
  Speaker 1: worship invented, he murmured, without looking up. Those were the
• 3:25:36
  Speaker 1: only words spoken. With staring eyes. I gazed into the fire,
• 3:25:42
  Speaker 1: lulled by the tranquility of the room. I sank in dreams,
• 3:25:46
  Speaker 1: seeing shapes in the smoke and pictures in the ashes.
• 3:25:50
  Speaker 1: Once I started up, my companion had thrown a little
• 3:25:54
  Speaker 1: bit of resin into the glow. A little slender flame
• 3:25:57
  Speaker 1: shot up. I saw in it the burn with the
• 3:26:00
  Speaker 1: gold hawkshead in the glow, which died away in the fireplace.
• 3:26:04
  Speaker 1: Gold and glittering threads wove themselves together into a net
• 3:26:09
  Speaker 1: letters and pictures, memories of faces of animals, of plants,
• 3:26:13
  Speaker 1: of worms and serpents. When I woke from my reveries
• 3:26:17
  Speaker 1: and looked across at my companion, he was absorbed, staring
• 3:26:21
  Speaker 1: at the ashes with the fixed gaze of a fanatic,
• 3:26:24
  Speaker 1: his chin in his hands. I must go now, I said, softly,
• 3:26:31
  Speaker 1: Well go then goodbye. He did not get up, and
• 3:26:35
  Speaker 1: as the lamp had gone out, I had to feel
• 3:26:37
  Speaker 1: my way across the dark room, through dark corridors, and
• 3:26:41
  Speaker 1: down the stairs, and so out of the enchanted old dwelling.
• 3:26:45
  Speaker 1: Once in the street, I stopped and looked up at
• 3:26:48
  Speaker 1: the house. In not one of the windows was a
• 3:26:51
  Speaker 1: light burning. The little brass plate shone in the gleam
• 3:26:54
  Speaker 1: of the gas lamp before the door. Pistorius Vicar I
• 3:27:00
  Speaker 1: read thereon. As I sat in my little room after supper,
• 3:27:04
  Speaker 1: I remembered that I had learned nothing about Abraxis or
• 3:27:07
  Speaker 1: anything else from Pistorius. We had scarcely exchanged ten words,
• 3:27:13
  Speaker 1: but I was quite contented with the visit I had
• 3:27:16
  Speaker 1: paid him, and he had promised to play next time
• 3:27:19
  Speaker 1: an exquisite piece of organ music at Pascaglia by Buksihude.
• 3:27:25
  Speaker 1: Without my having realized it, the organists Pistorius had given
• 3:27:29
  Speaker 1: me a first lesson as we lay on the floor
• 3:27:32
  Speaker 1: in front of the fireplace of his melancholy hermit's room.
• 3:27:36
  Speaker 1: Staring into the fire had done me good. It had
• 3:27:39
  Speaker 1: confirmed and set inactivity tendencies which I had always had
• 3:27:44
  Speaker 1: but had never really followed. Gradually, and in part I
• 3:27:48
  Speaker 1: saw light on the subject. When quite a child, I
• 3:27:52
  Speaker 1: had from time to time the propensity to watch bizarre
• 3:27:55
  Speaker 1: forms of nature, not observing them closely, but simply surrendering
• 3:28:00
  Speaker 1: myself to their peculiar magic. Absorbed by the contemplation of
• 3:28:04
  Speaker 1: their curling shapes, long dignified tree roots, colored veins in stone,
• 3:28:10
  Speaker 1: flecks of oil floating on water, flaws and glass. All
• 3:28:14
  Speaker 1: things of a similar nature had had great charm for
• 3:28:17
  Speaker 1: me at that time, above all water and fire, smoke, clouds, dust,
• 3:28:23
  Speaker 1: and especially little circulating colored specks, which I saw when
• 3:28:27
  Speaker 1: I closed my eyes. In the days following my first
• 3:28:31
  Speaker 1: visit to Pistorius, this began to come back to me.
• 3:28:35
  Speaker 1: I noticed that I was indebted solely to staring into
• 3:28:38
  Speaker 1: the open fire for a certain strength and pleasure, for
• 3:28:42
  Speaker 1: the increase in my depth of feeling which I had
• 3:28:45
  Speaker 1: felt since it was curiously beneficial and enriching, dreaming and
• 3:28:50
  Speaker 1: staring into the fire. To the few experiences I had
• 3:28:53
  Speaker 1: gained on the road to the attainment of my proper
• 3:28:56
  Speaker 1: ends in life, was added this new one. The co
• 3:29:00
  Speaker 1: templation of such shapes, the surrendering of one's self to
• 3:29:03
  Speaker 1: these irrational, twisting, odd forms of nature, engenders in us
• 3:29:08
  Speaker 1: a feeling of the harmony of our inner being with
• 3:29:11
  Speaker 1: the will which brought forth these shapes. We soon feel
• 3:29:15
  Speaker 1: the temptation to look upon them as our own creations,
• 3:29:18
  Speaker 1: as if made by our own moods. We see the
• 3:29:21
  Speaker 1: boundary between ourselves and nature waver and vanish. We learn
• 3:29:27
  Speaker 1: to know the state of mind by outside impressions or
• 3:29:30
  Speaker 1: by inward In no way so simply and so easily
• 3:29:34
  Speaker 1: as by this practice do we discover to what a
• 3:29:36
  Speaker 1: great extent we are creators, to what a great extent
• 3:29:40
  Speaker 1: our souls have part in the continual creation of the world.
• 3:29:45
  Speaker 1: Or rather, it is the same indivisible Godhead which is
• 3:29:48
  Speaker 1: active in us and in nature. If the outside world
• 3:29:53
  Speaker 1: fell in ruins, one of us would be capable of
• 3:29:56
  Speaker 1: building it up again. For mountain and stream, tree and LANs,
• 3:30:00
  Speaker 1: root and blossom, all that is shaped by nature lies
• 3:30:04
  Speaker 1: modeled in us, comes from the soul whose essence is eternity,
• 3:30:09
  Speaker 1: of whose essence we are ignorant, but which is revealed
• 3:30:12
  Speaker 1: to us for the most part as love, force and
• 3:30:15
  Speaker 1: creative power. Many years later I found this observation confirmed
• 3:30:20
  Speaker 1: in a book, one of Leonardo da Vinci's, who, in
• 3:30:24
  Speaker 1: one passage remarks how good and deeply moving it is
• 3:30:28
  Speaker 1: to look at a wall on which many people have spet.
• 3:30:31
  Speaker 1: He felt the same sensation before those spots on the
• 3:30:34
  Speaker 1: wet wall as Pistorius and I before the fire. At
• 3:30:39
  Speaker 1: our next meeting, the organist enlightened me still further on
• 3:30:42
  Speaker 1: the subject. We can find our personality within much too
• 3:30:46
  Speaker 1: narrow bounds. We count as composing our person only that
• 3:30:51
  Speaker 1: which distinguishes us as individuals, only that which we recognize
• 3:30:56
  Speaker 1: as irregular. But we are made up from the entire
• 3:31:00
  Speaker 1: world stock, each one of us, and just as in
• 3:31:03
  Speaker 1: our body is displayed the genealogical table of development back
• 3:31:07
  Speaker 1: through the fish stage. And still further so, we have
• 3:31:10
  Speaker 1: accumulated in our souls all the experiences through which a
• 3:31:14
  Speaker 1: human soul has ever lived, all the gods and devils
• 3:31:20
  Speaker 1: which have ever been whether those of the Greeks or
• 3:31:23
  Speaker 1: Chinese or Zulus, all are in us? Are there as potentialities,
• 3:31:28
  Speaker 1: as desires, as starting points. If all mankind died out
• 3:31:33
  Speaker 1: with the exception of a single moderately gifted child who
• 3:31:36
  Speaker 1: had not enjoyed the slightest instruction, so would this child
• 3:31:40
  Speaker 1: rediscover the whole process of things. It would be able
• 3:31:44
  Speaker 1: to produce gods, demons, paradises, the commandments and prohibitions, old
• 3:31:50
  Speaker 1: and new Testaments, everything well and good, I objected, But
• 3:31:56
  Speaker 1: then what does the worth of the individual consist of?
• 3:32:00
  Speaker 1: Why do we continue to strive if everything has already
• 3:32:03
  Speaker 1: been achieved in us? Stop, exclaimed Pistorius vehemently. There is
• 3:32:09
  Speaker 1: a great difference between whether one merely carries the world
• 3:32:12
  Speaker 1: in oneself or whether one is conscious of that as well.
• 3:32:16
  Speaker 1: A madman can have ideas which remind one of Plato,
• 3:32:20
  Speaker 1: and a pious little boy in a Morovian boarding school
• 3:32:23
  Speaker 1: will recreate in his thought profound mythological ideas which occur
• 3:32:28
  Speaker 1: in the Gnostics or in Zaaster, But he does not
• 3:32:32
  Speaker 1: realize it. He is a tree or a stone at best,
• 3:32:36
  Speaker 1: an animal as long as he does not know it.
• 3:32:39
  Speaker 1: But when the first spark of this knowledge glimmers in him,
• 3:32:42
  Speaker 1: he becomes a man. You will not consider all the
• 3:32:46
  Speaker 1: two legged creatures who walk out there in the street
• 3:32:49
  Speaker 1: as human beings simply because they walk erect and carry
• 3:32:52
  Speaker 1: their young nine months in the womb. Look how many
• 3:32:56
  Speaker 1: of them are fish or sheep, worms or leeches, how
• 3:33:00
  Speaker 1: many are ants or bees? Well in reach of them
• 3:33:04
  Speaker 1: are the possibilities of becoming human creatures. But only when
• 3:33:08
  Speaker 1: they feel this. It is only when, if even in part,
• 3:33:12
  Speaker 1: they learned to make them conscious, that these potentialities become theirs.
• 3:33:19
  Speaker 1: Our conversations were somewhat after this style. They seldom taught
• 3:33:22
  Speaker 1: me anything completely new, anything absolutely surprising, But all, even
• 3:33:28
  Speaker 1: the most banal, hit like a light, persistent hammer stroke
• 3:33:32
  Speaker 1: on the same point in me. All helped in my development.
• 3:33:36
  Speaker 1: All helped to peel off skins, to break up egg shells.
• 3:33:40
  Speaker 1: And after each talk I held my head somewhat higher.
• 3:33:44
  Speaker 1: I was more sure of myself until my yellow bird
• 3:33:47
  Speaker 1: pushed his beautiful bird of prey crest through the ruins
• 3:33:51
  Speaker 1: of the world shell. We frequently related our dreams to
• 3:33:56
  Speaker 1: one another. Pistorius knew how to interpret them. A curious
• 3:34:01
  Speaker 1: example comes to my mind. I dreamed I was able
• 3:34:04
  Speaker 1: to fly, I was flung through the air, so to speak,
• 3:34:08
  Speaker 1: impelled by a great force over which I had not
• 3:34:11
  Speaker 1: the mastery. The sensation of this flight was exhilarating, but
• 3:34:15
  Speaker 1: soon changed to fear, as I saw myself snatched up
• 3:34:18
  Speaker 1: involuntarily to risky heights. There I made the saving discovery
• 3:34:24
  Speaker 1: that I could control my rise and fall by arresting
• 3:34:27
  Speaker 1: my breath and by breathing again. Pistorius interpreted it as follows.
• 3:34:35
  Speaker 1: The swing which sent you up into the air is
• 3:34:37
  Speaker 1: the great property of mankind, which everyone possesses. It is
• 3:34:41
  Speaker 1: the feeling of close relationship with the springs of every force.
• 3:34:46
  Speaker 1: But it soon causes anxiety. It is cursedly dangerous. For
• 3:34:51
  Speaker 1: that reason, most people willingly renounce flying, preferring to walk
• 3:34:55
  Speaker 1: according to prescribed laws along the footpath. But you fly higher,
• 3:35:02
  Speaker 1: as befits an intelligent fellow, and behold, you make a
• 3:35:05
  Speaker 1: wonderful discovery there. Namely, you gradually get the mastery over
• 3:35:10
  Speaker 1: the impelling force. In other words, you acquire a fine
• 3:35:14
  Speaker 1: little force of your own, an instrument, a rudder that
• 3:35:17
  Speaker 1: is splendid. Without that, one goes floating into the air
• 3:35:21
  Speaker 1: without any will of one's own. Madmen, for instance, do
• 3:35:25
  Speaker 1: that they have deeper presentiments than the people on the footpath.
• 3:35:30
  Speaker 1: But they have no key and no rudder. They fall
• 3:35:33
  Speaker 1: whistling through the air down into the fathomless depths. But you, Sinclair,
• 3:35:38
  Speaker 1: you manage all right, And how pray you probably don't
• 3:35:43
  Speaker 1: even know. You manage with a new instrument, with a
• 3:35:47
  Speaker 1: breath regulator. And now you can see that your soul
• 3:35:51
  Speaker 1: isn't really personal at bottom. I mean that you didn't
• 3:35:54
  Speaker 1: invent this regulator. It isn't new, It is alone, It
• 3:35:59
  Speaker 1: has a existed for thousands of years. It is the
• 3:36:02
  Speaker 1: balancing organ. Fish have the air bladder. Even today we
• 3:36:07
  Speaker 1: actually still have a few very rare kinds of fish
• 3:36:11
  Speaker 1: whose air bladder is at the same time a sort
• 3:36:13
  Speaker 1: of lung, and on occasion can use it to breathe with.
• 3:36:18
  Speaker 1: In your dream, you made use of your lungs in
• 3:36:20
  Speaker 1: exactly the same way as these fish do their air bladder.
• 3:36:25
  Speaker 1: He even brought me a volume one Zoology and showed
• 3:36:28
  Speaker 1: me the original drawings of these ancient fish, and with
• 3:36:32
  Speaker 1: a peculiar thrill, I felt an organ of early evolutionary
• 3:36:36
  Speaker 1: epochs functioning in me. End of chapter five, the bird
• 3:36:43
  Speaker 1: fights its way out of the egg. Chapter six, Jacob
• 3:36:48
  Speaker 1: wrestles with God. Part one. I cannot relate in brief
• 3:36:54
  Speaker 1: all that I learned from the singular musician Pistorius about abrexis.
• 3:36:59
  Speaker 1: The most important result of his teaching was that I
• 3:37:02
  Speaker 1: made a further step forward on the road to self realization.
• 3:37:07
  Speaker 1: I was then about eighteen years old. I was a
• 3:37:10
  Speaker 1: young man rather out of the ordinary, precocious in a
• 3:37:13
  Speaker 1: hundred things and in a hundred other things, backward and helpless.
• 3:37:18
  Speaker 1: When from time to time I used to compare myself
• 3:37:20
  Speaker 1: with others, I was often proud and conceited, but just
• 3:37:24
  Speaker 1: as frequently I felt depressed and humiliated. I had often
• 3:37:29
  Speaker 1: looked upon myself as a genius, often as half mad.
• 3:37:33
  Speaker 1: I could not share the pleasures and life of the
• 3:37:36
  Speaker 1: fellows of my age, and often I heaped reproaches on
• 3:37:40
  Speaker 1: myself and was consumed with cares, thinking I was hopelessly
• 3:37:44
  Speaker 1: cut off from them, and that life was closed to me. Pastorius,
• 3:37:50
  Speaker 1: himself full grown and an eccentric, taught me to preserve
• 3:37:54
  Speaker 1: my courage and my self esteem in constantly finding some
• 3:37:58
  Speaker 1: value in my words, in my dreams, in the play
• 3:38:01
  Speaker 1: of my imagination, and in my ideas, in taking them
• 3:38:05
  Speaker 1: seriously and discussing them. He sets me an example you
• 3:38:10
  Speaker 1: have told me. He said that you like music because
• 3:38:13
  Speaker 1: it is not moral. Well, all right, but you should
• 3:38:17
  Speaker 1: be no moralist yourself. You should not compare yourself with others.
• 3:38:21
  Speaker 1: If nature had created you to be a bat, you
• 3:38:24
  Speaker 1: ought not to want to make yourself into an ostrich.
• 3:38:27
  Speaker 1: You often consider yourself as singular. You reproach yourself with
• 3:38:32
  Speaker 1: going ways different from most people. You must get out
• 3:38:35
  Speaker 1: of that habit. Look in the fire, look at the clouds,
• 3:38:39
  Speaker 1: And as soon as you have presentiments and the voices
• 3:38:42
  Speaker 1: of your soul begin to speak, yield to them. And
• 3:38:45
  Speaker 1: don't first ask what the opinion of your master or
• 3:38:49
  Speaker 1: your father would be, or whether they would be pleasing
• 3:38:52
  Speaker 1: to some god or other. One spoils one's self that way.
• 3:38:57
  Speaker 1: In doing that, one treads the common road, becomes a fossil. Sinclair,
• 3:39:02
  Speaker 1: my dear fellow, the name of our god is a Braxis.
• 3:39:06
  Speaker 1: He is God, and he is Satan. He has the
• 3:39:09
  Speaker 1: light and the dark world in him. A Braxis has
• 3:39:13
  Speaker 1: no objection to urge against any of your ideas or
• 3:39:17
  Speaker 1: against any of your dreams. Never forget that. But he
• 3:39:22
  Speaker 1: deserts you if you ever become blameless and normal. He
• 3:39:26
  Speaker 1: deserts you and seeks out another pot in order to
• 3:39:28
  Speaker 1: cook his ideas. Therein of all my dreams, that dark
• 3:39:34
  Speaker 1: love dream recurred most frequently. Often often have I dreamed
• 3:39:39
  Speaker 1: of it. Often. I stepped under the crest with the
• 3:39:41
  Speaker 1: bird on it into my house and wished to draw
• 3:39:45
  Speaker 1: my mother to me. But instead of her, I found
• 3:39:48
  Speaker 1: I was embracing the tall, manly, half motherly woman of
• 3:39:52
  Speaker 1: whom I was afraid, and yet to whom I was
• 3:39:54
  Speaker 1: drawn by the most ardent desire. And I could never
• 3:39:58
  Speaker 1: relate this dream to my friend, and I kept it back,
• 3:40:01
  Speaker 1: although I had opened my heart to him. When everything
• 3:40:04
  Speaker 1: else it was my secret, my retreat, my refuge. When
• 3:40:11
  Speaker 1: I was depressed, I used to beg Pistorius to play
• 3:40:14
  Speaker 1: me the Pasicaglia of the old Buckster Hood. I sat
• 3:40:18
  Speaker 1: in the dark church in the evening, engrossed in this
• 3:40:21
  Speaker 1: singularly intimate music, which seemed to be hearkening to itself,
• 3:40:26
  Speaker 1: as if entirely self absorbed. Each time it did me
• 3:40:30
  Speaker 1: good and made me more ready to follow the promptings
• 3:40:32
  Speaker 1: of my inward self. Sometimes we stayed awhile in the
• 3:40:37
  Speaker 1: church after the strains of the organ had died away.
• 3:40:41
  Speaker 1: We sat and watched the feeble light shine through the
• 3:40:43
  Speaker 1: high lancet window. The light seemed to lose itself in
• 3:40:47
  Speaker 1: the body of the church. It sounds funny, said Pistorius,
• 3:40:51
  Speaker 1: that I once did theology and almost became a parson.
• 3:40:55
  Speaker 1: But it was only an error in form that I
• 3:40:57
  Speaker 1: committed to be a priest. That is my vocation and
• 3:41:01
  Speaker 1: my aim. Only I was too easily satisfied, and gave
• 3:41:06
  Speaker 1: myself to the service of Jehovah before ever I knew
• 3:41:09
  Speaker 1: abraxas Ah. Every religion is beautiful, religion is soul. It
• 3:41:16
  Speaker 1: is all one. Whether you take communion as a Christian,
• 3:41:19
  Speaker 1: or whether you make a pilgrimage to Mecca. Then really
• 3:41:23
  Speaker 1: you might have been a clergyman, I suggested, no, Sinclair, No,
• 3:41:29
  Speaker 1: I should have had to have lied in that case.
• 3:41:32
  Speaker 1: Our religion is so practiced as if it were none.
• 3:41:36
  Speaker 1: It is carried on as if it were a work
• 3:41:38
  Speaker 1: of the understanding. A Catholic I could well be, if
• 3:41:43
  Speaker 1: need were, but a Protestant clergyman. No. There are two
• 3:41:47
  Speaker 1: kinds of genuine believers. I know, such who hold gladly
• 3:41:51
  Speaker 1: to the literal interpretation. I could not say to them
• 3:41:55
  Speaker 1: that for me Christ was not a mere person, but
• 3:41:58
  Speaker 1: a hero, a myth, a wonderful shadow picture in which
• 3:42:02
  Speaker 1: mankind sees itself painted on the wall of eternity. And
• 3:42:07
  Speaker 1: what should I find to say to the other sort,
• 3:42:09
  Speaker 1: those who go to church to hear wise words, to
• 3:42:12
  Speaker 1: fulfill a duty, to leave nothing undone, et cetera. Convert them,
• 3:42:18
  Speaker 1: you think, perhaps, But that is not at all my idea.
• 3:42:22
  Speaker 1: The priest does not wish to convert. He only wants
• 3:42:26
  Speaker 1: to live among the believers, among those of his own kind,
• 3:42:30
  Speaker 1: so that through him they may find expression for the
• 3:42:33
  Speaker 1: feeling out of which we make our gods. He broke off.
• 3:42:38
  Speaker 1: Then he continued, our new faith for which we have
• 3:42:41
  Speaker 1: now chosen. The name of Abraxis is beautiful, my friend.
• 3:42:46
  Speaker 1: It is the best we have. But it is still
• 3:42:49
  Speaker 1: a nestling. Its wings have not yet grown alas a
• 3:42:54
  Speaker 1: lonely religion that is not yet the true one. It
• 3:42:57
  Speaker 1: must become an affair of many. It must have cult
• 3:43:01
  Speaker 1: and orgy, feasts and mysteries. He was sunk in reflection.
• 3:43:08
  Speaker 1: Can one not celebrate mysteries alone or in a very
• 3:43:11
  Speaker 1: small circle? I asked, hesitatingly, Yes, one can? He nodded.
• 3:43:18
  Speaker 1: I have been celebrating them for a long time past.
• 3:43:21
  Speaker 1: I have celebrated cults for which I should have been
• 3:43:24
  Speaker 1: imprisoned for years in a convict station if they had
• 3:43:28
  Speaker 1: been found out. But I know it is not the
• 3:43:30
  Speaker 1: right thing. He suddenly clapped me on the shoulder, making
• 3:43:34
  Speaker 1: me jump. Young friend, he said impressively, you also have mysteries.
• 3:43:40
  Speaker 1: I know that you must have dreams, of which you
• 3:43:42
  Speaker 1: make no mention to me. I don't wish to know them,
• 3:43:46
  Speaker 1: but I tell you live them. These dreams play your
• 3:43:50
  Speaker 1: destined part, build altars to them. It is not yet
• 3:43:54
  Speaker 1: the perfect religion, but it is a way, whether you
• 3:43:57
  Speaker 1: and I and a few other people will one day rent.
• 3:44:00
  Speaker 1: The world remains to be seen, but we must renew
• 3:44:03
  Speaker 1: it daily within us, otherwise we are of no account.
• 3:44:08
  Speaker 1: Think it over. You are eighteen, Sinclair. You don't go
• 3:44:11
  Speaker 1: with loose women. You must have love dreams, desires. Perhaps
• 3:44:16
  Speaker 1: they are such that you are frightened by them. They
• 3:44:19
  Speaker 1: are the best you have. Believe me, I have lost
• 3:44:23
  Speaker 1: a great deal by doing violence to those love dreams
• 3:44:26
  Speaker 1: when I was your age. One should not do that.
• 3:44:30
  Speaker 1: When one knows of a braxis, one should do that
• 3:44:33
  Speaker 1: no more, we should fear nothing. We should hold nothing
• 3:44:37
  Speaker 1: forbidden which the soul in us desires frightened. I object it.
• 3:44:43
  Speaker 1: But you can't do everything which comes into your mind.
• 3:44:46
  Speaker 1: You can't murder a man because you can't tolerate him.
• 3:44:50
  Speaker 1: He pressed closer to me. There are cases when you
• 3:44:54
  Speaker 1: can only generally it is a mistake. I don't mean
• 3:44:59
  Speaker 1: that you can simply do everything which comes into your mind. No,
• 3:45:03
  Speaker 1: but you shouldn't do injury to those ideas in which
• 3:45:06
  Speaker 1: there is sense. You shouldn't banish them from your mind
• 3:45:09
  Speaker 1: or moralize about them. Instead of getting one's self crucified
• 3:45:14
  Speaker 1: or crucifying others, one can solemnly drink wine out of
• 3:45:18
  Speaker 1: a cup, thinking the while on the mystery of sacrifice.
• 3:45:23
  Speaker 1: One can, without such actions, treat one's impulses and one's
• 3:45:28
  Speaker 1: so called temptations with esteem and love. Then you discover
• 3:45:33
  Speaker 1: their meaning, and they all have meaning. Next time the
• 3:45:37
  Speaker 1: idea takes you to do something really mad and sinful, sinclair,
• 3:45:41
  Speaker 1: if you would like to murder someone or do something
• 3:45:44
  Speaker 1: dreadfully obscene, then think a moment that it is a
• 3:45:47
  Speaker 1: Braxas who is indulging in a play of fancy. The
• 3:45:52
  Speaker 1: man you would like to kill is never really, mister
• 3:45:54
  Speaker 1: So and So, that is really only a disguise. When
• 3:45:58
  Speaker 1: we hate a man, we hate in him something which
• 3:46:00
  Speaker 1: resides in us ourselves. What is not in us does
• 3:46:04
  Speaker 1: not move us. Never had Pistorius said anything to me
• 3:46:10
  Speaker 1: which went home so deeply as this. I could not reply.
• 3:46:14
  Speaker 1: But what moved me most singularly and most powerfully was
• 3:46:18
  Speaker 1: that Pistorius, in this conversation, had struck the same note
• 3:46:22
  Speaker 1: as Damien, whose words I had carried in my mind
• 3:46:25
  Speaker 1: for years and years past. They knew nothing of one another,
• 3:46:29
  Speaker 1: and both said to me the same thing. The things
• 3:46:33
  Speaker 1: we see, said Pastorius softly, are the same things which
• 3:46:37
  Speaker 1: are in us. There is no reality except that which
• 3:46:41
  Speaker 1: we have in ourselves. For that reason, most people live
• 3:46:45
  Speaker 1: so unreally, because they hold the impressions of the outside
• 3:46:49
  Speaker 1: world for real, and their own world in themselves never
• 3:46:53
  Speaker 1: enters into their consideration. You can be happy like that,
• 3:46:58
  Speaker 1: but if once you know of the then you no
• 3:47:01
  Speaker 1: longer have the choice to go the way most people go, Sainclair.
• 3:47:05
  Speaker 1: The road for most people is easy. Ours is hard.
• 3:47:10
  Speaker 1: Let us go. A few days later, after I had
• 3:47:14
  Speaker 1: on two occasions waited for him in vain. I met
• 3:47:17
  Speaker 1: him late one evening in the street. He came stumbling
• 3:47:21
  Speaker 1: round a corner, blown along by the cold night wind.
• 3:47:25
  Speaker 1: He was very drunk. I did not like to call him.
• 3:47:28
  Speaker 1: He passed by without noticing me, staring in front of
• 3:47:31
  Speaker 1: him with strange glowing eyes, as though he were moving
• 3:47:35
  Speaker 1: in obedience to a dark call from the unknown. I
• 3:47:39
  Speaker 1: followed him down one street. He drifted along, as if
• 3:47:43
  Speaker 1: drawn by an invisible wire, with the swaying gait of
• 3:47:46
  Speaker 1: a fanatic, or like a ghost. Sadly, I went home
• 3:47:50
  Speaker 1: to the unsolved problems of my dreams. Thus he renews
• 3:47:56
  Speaker 1: the world in himself. I thought, and felt instantly that
• 3:48:00
  Speaker 1: my thought was base and moral. What did I know
• 3:48:03
  Speaker 1: of his dreams? Perhaps in his intoxication he was going
• 3:48:08
  Speaker 1: a surer way than in my anxiety. In the intervals
• 3:48:14
  Speaker 1: between lessons, it struck me once or twice that a
• 3:48:16
  Speaker 1: boy who had never before attracted my notice was hovering
• 3:48:20
  Speaker 1: about in my proximity. It was a little, weak looking,
• 3:48:24
  Speaker 1: slim youngster with reddish blonde, thin hair, who had something
• 3:48:28
  Speaker 1: peculiar in his look and behavior. One evening, as I
• 3:48:32
  Speaker 1: came home, he was on the watch for me in
• 3:48:34
  Speaker 1: the street, He let me pass by, then walked behind
• 3:48:37
  Speaker 1: me and remained standing in front of the door of
• 3:48:40
  Speaker 1: the house. Can I do anything for you, I asked,
• 3:48:45
  Speaker 1: I only want to speak to you, he said, timidly,
• 3:48:49
  Speaker 1: be good enough to come a few steps with me.
• 3:48:53
  Speaker 1: I followed him, observing that he was deeply excited and
• 3:48:56
  Speaker 1: full of expectation. His hands trembled. Are you a spiritualist,
• 3:49:02
  Speaker 1: he asked, quite suddenly, No canar, I said, laughing, not
• 3:49:07
  Speaker 1: a bit. How did you get hold of that idea?
• 3:49:11
  Speaker 1: But you are a theosophist? No again, Oh, please, don't
• 3:49:17
  Speaker 1: be so reserved. I feel with absolute certitude that there
• 3:49:20
  Speaker 1: is something singular about you. It is in your eyes.
• 3:49:24
  Speaker 1: I thought it certain you communed with spirits. I am
• 3:49:28
  Speaker 1: not asking out of curiosity, Sinclair, No, I am myself
• 3:49:32
  Speaker 1: a seeker, you know, and I am so lonely. Tell me, then,
• 3:49:38
  Speaker 1: I encouraged him. I know absolutely nothing of ghosts. I
• 3:49:41
  Speaker 1: live in my dreams. That is what you have felt
• 3:49:44
  Speaker 1: about me. Other people live in dreams as well, but
• 3:49:48
  Speaker 1: not in their own That is the difference. Yes, perhaps, so,
• 3:49:53
  Speaker 1: he whispered, Only it depends on the sort of dreams
• 3:49:56
  Speaker 1: you live in. Have you ever heard of wight magic.
• 3:50:00
  Speaker 1: I had to admit my ignorance. It's when you learn
• 3:50:03
  Speaker 1: to get the mastery over yourself, you can be immortal
• 3:50:07
  Speaker 1: and have magical powers as well. Have you never practiced
• 3:50:11
  Speaker 1: such experiments? On my evincing curiosity With regard to those practices,
• 3:50:17
  Speaker 1: he was mysteriously silent, but when I turned to go,
• 3:50:20
  Speaker 1: he burst out in explanation. For example, when I go
• 3:50:24
  Speaker 1: to sleep, or when I wish to concentrate my thoughts,
• 3:50:27
  Speaker 1: I do such exercises. I think of something or other,
• 3:50:31
  Speaker 1: a word, for instance, or a name, or a geometrical figure.
• 3:50:35
  Speaker 1: Then I think it into myself as strongly as I can.
• 3:50:39
  Speaker 1: I try to get it into my head until I
• 3:50:42
  Speaker 1: feel it is there. Then I think it in my neck,
• 3:50:45
  Speaker 1: and so on until I am quite full of it.
• 3:50:48
  Speaker 1: Then my thoughts are concentrated and nothing more can disturb
• 3:50:52
  Speaker 1: my repose. I understood to a certain degree what he meant,
• 3:50:57
  Speaker 1: yet I felt he had something else in his mind.
• 3:51:00
  Speaker 1: He was oddly excited and hasty. I tried to make
• 3:51:03
  Speaker 1: the questions easy for him, and he soon gave me
• 3:51:06
  Speaker 1: an indication of what immediately concerned him. You are also continent,
• 3:51:13
  Speaker 1: he asked me anxiously. What do you mean by that?
• 3:51:16
  Speaker 1: Do you mean it from the sex point of view? Yes? Yes,
• 3:51:20
  Speaker 1: I have been continent for two years since I knew
• 3:51:22
  Speaker 1: of what I have told you before that I practiced avice.
• 3:51:26
  Speaker 1: You know what, you have never been with a woman? Then, no,
• 3:51:31
  Speaker 1: I said, I haven't found the right one. But if
• 3:51:34
  Speaker 1: you should find her, the one you considered the right one,
• 3:51:38
  Speaker 1: then would you sleep with her? Yes, naturally, if she
• 3:51:42
  Speaker 1: had nothing against it, I said, with some scorn. Oh,
• 3:51:46
  Speaker 1: then you are on a false track. One can only
• 3:51:48
  Speaker 1: perfect one's inner forces if one remains entirely continent. I
• 3:51:53
  Speaker 1: have done it for two whole years, two years and
• 3:51:56
  Speaker 1: a little more than a month. Oh so hard. Often
• 3:52:00
  Speaker 1: I can scarcely hold out any longer? Listen, can hour?
• 3:52:05
  Speaker 1: I don't believe that continency is so terribly important. I
• 3:52:09
  Speaker 1: know he parried. They all say that, but I did
• 3:52:13
  Speaker 1: not expect to hear it from you. Whoever will go
• 3:52:16
  Speaker 1: the higher spiritual way must remain pure unconditionally. Well, then
• 3:52:21
  Speaker 1: do so. But I don't understand why one man should
• 3:52:24
  Speaker 1: be purer than another because he represses his sex instincts?
• 3:52:28
  Speaker 1: Or can you switch off all sexual matters from your
• 3:52:31
  Speaker 1: thoughts and dreams? He looked despairingly at me. No, that's
• 3:52:37
  Speaker 1: just it, God, And yet it must be. At night
• 3:52:41
  Speaker 1: I have dreams which I couldn't relate even to myself,
• 3:52:45
  Speaker 1: terrible dreams, terrible. I recollected what Pastorius had said to me,
• 3:52:51
  Speaker 1: but however much I felt his words to be right,
• 3:52:54
  Speaker 1: I could not pass them on. I could not give
• 3:52:57
  Speaker 1: advice which did not result from my own experience, advised
• 3:53:01
  Speaker 1: the observance of which I did not yet feel myself
• 3:53:03
  Speaker 1: equal to. I was silent and felt humiliated that some
• 3:53:08
  Speaker 1: one should come to me for counsel when I had
• 3:53:10
  Speaker 1: none to give. I have tried everything wailed canar beside me.
• 3:53:17
  Speaker 1: I have done all that a man can do with
• 3:53:19
  Speaker 1: cold water, with snow, with gymnastic exercises and running, but
• 3:53:24
  Speaker 1: all that doesn't help a bit. Each night I wake
• 3:53:28
  Speaker 1: up out of dreams on which I dare not think,
• 3:53:30
  Speaker 1: and most dreadful of all, I am, by degrees losing
• 3:53:34
  Speaker 1: everything that I had gained. Spiritually. It is almost impossible
• 3:53:38
  Speaker 1: for me any longer to concentrate my thoughts or to
• 3:53:41
  Speaker 1: lull myself to sleep. Often I lie awake the whole
• 3:53:44
  Speaker 1: night through I shall not be able to bear that
• 3:53:47
  Speaker 1: much longer Finally, when I can carry on the struggle
• 3:53:50
  Speaker 1: no further. When I give in and make myself impure again,
• 3:53:54
  Speaker 1: then I shall be worse than all the others who
• 3:53:56
  Speaker 1: have never struggled against it. You understand that, don't you you.
• 3:54:01
  Speaker 1: I nodded, but could say nothing to the point he
• 3:54:04
  Speaker 1: began to bore me, and I was horrified at myself
• 3:54:07
  Speaker 1: because his obvious need and despair made no deep impression
• 3:54:11
  Speaker 1: on me. My only sentiment was I can't help you.
• 3:54:17
  Speaker 1: Then you know nothing that would help me? He asked
• 3:54:20
  Speaker 1: at last, exhausted and said nothing at all. There must
• 3:54:24
  Speaker 1: be some way, how do you manage? I can't tell
• 3:54:29
  Speaker 1: you anything, canar People can't help one another. In this case,
• 3:54:33
  Speaker 1: no one has helped me either. You must think of
• 3:54:36
  Speaker 1: something yourself, and you must obey the prompting, which really
• 3:54:39
  Speaker 1: comes from your own nature. There is nothing else. If
• 3:54:43
  Speaker 1: you cannot find yourself, you won't find any spirits either.
• 3:54:48
  Speaker 1: Disappointed and suddenly become dumb, the little fellow looked at me.
• 3:54:52
  Speaker 1: Then his looks suddenly glowed with hate. He made a
• 3:54:55
  Speaker 1: grimace at me and cried with rage. Ah, you're a
• 3:54:58
  Speaker 1: nice sort of saint. You have your vice as well.
• 3:55:01
  Speaker 1: I know you pretend to wisdom, and secretly you stick
• 3:55:05
  Speaker 1: in the same field as I and all of us.
• 3:55:07
  Speaker 1: You're swine, swine like myself, we are all swine. I
• 3:55:13
  Speaker 1: went away and left him standing there. He made two
• 3:55:17
  Speaker 1: three steps in my direction, then he stopped, turned round,
• 3:55:20
  Speaker 1: and ran away. I felt sick from a feeling of
• 3:55:24
  Speaker 1: pity and horror. I could not get rid of the
• 3:55:26
  Speaker 1: feeling until I got home to my little room, and
• 3:55:29
  Speaker 1: placing my few pictures before me, I surrendered myself up
• 3:55:33
  Speaker 1: with passionate fervor to my dreams. My dreams came back
• 3:55:37
  Speaker 1: at once, the dream of front door and crest of
• 3:55:40
  Speaker 1: mother and the strange woman. And I saw the features
• 3:55:43
  Speaker 1: of the woman so very clearly that I began to
• 3:55:46
  Speaker 1: draw her picture the same evening. In a few days,
• 3:55:52
  Speaker 1: this drawing was finished, painted in as if unconsciously, in
• 3:55:57
  Speaker 1: dreamy quarter of an hour periods in the evening. I
• 3:56:00
  Speaker 1: hung it on the wall, put the reading lamp in
• 3:56:03
  Speaker 1: front of it, and stood before it as before a
• 3:56:05
  Speaker 1: spirit with whom I had to fight until victory should
• 3:56:09
  Speaker 1: be decided one way or the other. It was a
• 3:56:12
  Speaker 1: face similar to the former, resembling my friend Damien in
• 3:56:16
  Speaker 1: certain traits, even resembling myself. One eye stood perceptibly higher
• 3:56:21
  Speaker 1: than the other. The look passed over me, sunk in
• 3:56:25
  Speaker 1: a staring gaze, full of destiny. I stood before it.
• 3:56:29
  Speaker 1: Such was my inward exertion that I became cold to
• 3:56:33
  Speaker 1: the marrow. I questioned the picture, I abused it, I
• 3:56:37
  Speaker 1: caressed it, I prayed to it. I called it mother,
• 3:56:41
  Speaker 1: I called it beloved, I called it strumpet, and horror
• 3:56:45
  Speaker 1: called it a braxis. Meanwhile, words of Pistorius crossed my mind,
• 3:56:50
  Speaker 1: or of Damian. I could not recollect on what occasion
• 3:56:53
  Speaker 1: they had been spoken, but I thought I heard them again.
• 3:56:57
  Speaker 1: They were the words of Jacob wrestling with the angel
• 3:56:59
  Speaker 1: of God. I will not let thee go, except thou
• 3:57:03
  Speaker 1: bless me. The painted face in the lamp light changed
• 3:57:09
  Speaker 1: at each appeal. It was bright and shining, was black
• 3:57:12
  Speaker 1: and gloomy. It closed pale lids over dead eyes, opened
• 3:57:16
  Speaker 1: them again and flashed a burning look. It was a woman,
• 3:57:20
  Speaker 1: man girl, It was a little child, an animal vanished
• 3:57:24
  Speaker 1: to a spec was again tall and clear. At last,
• 3:57:28
  Speaker 1: in response to a strong inward prompting, I closed my
• 3:57:32
  Speaker 1: eyes and saw the picture inwardly in me stronger and
• 3:57:35
  Speaker 1: more powerful. I wished to kneel down before it, but
• 3:57:39
  Speaker 1: it was so much within me that I could separate
• 3:57:42
  Speaker 1: it from myself no more. It seemed as if it
• 3:57:45
  Speaker 1: had entirely identified itself with me. Then I heard a loud,
• 3:57:50
  Speaker 1: confused roar, as of a spring storm. I trembled in
• 3:57:54
  Speaker 1: an indescribably new feeling of fear and excitement. Stars darted
• 3:57:59
  Speaker 1: before me and died out. Recollections even of the first
• 3:58:03
  Speaker 1: forgotten years of my childhood, of a time further back still,
• 3:58:07
  Speaker 1: of a pre existence, and the early stages of existence
• 3:58:11
  Speaker 1: pressed through me. But the recollections, which seemed to piece
• 3:58:15
  Speaker 1: together in my life's whole history, even to its most
• 3:58:18
  Speaker 1: secret details, did not cease with yesterday and today. They
• 3:58:22
  Speaker 1: went further mirrored the future, tearing me away from today,
• 3:58:27
  Speaker 1: changing me into new forms of life, of which the
• 3:58:30
  Speaker 1: pictures were very bright and blinding. But of none of
• 3:58:34
  Speaker 1: them could I call up a just image. Later end
• 3:58:38
  Speaker 1: of chapter six, Part one, Jacob Rustles with God. Chapter
• 3:58:45
  Speaker 1: six Jacob Rustles with God, Part two. In the night,
• 3:58:51
  Speaker 1: I woke up out of a deep sleep. I was
• 3:58:54
  Speaker 1: dressed and lying transversely across the bed. I struck a
• 3:58:58
  Speaker 1: light feeling that I must try to remember something important
• 3:59:01
  Speaker 1: that had happened. I knew nothing of the hours just past.
• 3:59:05
  Speaker 1: I turned on the light, and recollection came back gradually.
• 3:59:09
  Speaker 1: I looked for the pitcher. It was not hanging on
• 3:59:12
  Speaker 1: the wall, neither was it lying on the table. I thought,
• 3:59:15
  Speaker 1: confusedly that I must have burned it, or was it
• 3:59:18
  Speaker 1: a dream that I had burned it in my hands
• 3:59:21
  Speaker 1: and had eaten the ashes. A great inquietude convulsed me
• 3:59:26
  Speaker 1: and drove me forth. I put on my hat, went
• 3:59:29
  Speaker 1: out of the house and down the street, as if
• 3:59:31
  Speaker 1: under coercion. I walked and walked through streets and squares,
• 3:59:36
  Speaker 1: as if blown along by a storm. I listened in
• 3:59:39
  Speaker 1: front of the gloomy church of my friend, searched in
• 3:59:42
  Speaker 1: obedience to a blind impulse, without knowing what I was
• 3:59:45
  Speaker 1: looking for. I went through a suburb where brothels stood.
• 3:59:50
  Speaker 1: Here and there a light was still shining. Further on
• 3:59:53
  Speaker 1: stood new buildings and brick heaps covered in part with
• 3:59:56
  Speaker 1: gray snow. I went on through this wilderness, driven forward
• 4:00:00
  Speaker 1: by a strange impulse, like a man walking in a dream.
• 4:00:05
  Speaker 1: The thought of the new building in my native town
• 4:00:07
  Speaker 1: crossed my mind. That building to which my tormentor, Cromer,
• 4:00:11
  Speaker 1: had drawn me to settle accounts with him. In the
• 4:00:14
  Speaker 1: gray night, a similar building stood there in front of me,
• 4:00:17
  Speaker 1: its black doorway yawning wide. I was drawn towards it,
• 4:00:22
  Speaker 1: but wanted to shun it, and stumbled over sand and rubbish.
• 4:00:26
  Speaker 1: The impulse was stronger than I I had to go in.
• 4:00:30
  Speaker 1: I staggered over planks and broken bricks into the deserted room.
• 4:00:34
  Speaker 1: There was a moldy smell of damp, cold stones. A
• 4:00:38
  Speaker 1: heap of sand lay there, a gray bright speck. Otherwise
• 4:00:42
  Speaker 1: all else was dark. Suddenly, a terrified voice called to me,
• 4:00:46
  Speaker 1: in God's name, Sainclair, where have you come from? And
• 4:00:50
  Speaker 1: a human figure rose out of the darkness close to me,
• 4:00:53
  Speaker 1: A little thin shape like a ghost. I recognized, while
• 4:00:57
  Speaker 1: yet my hair was standing on end. My school companion
• 4:01:00
  Speaker 1: in an hour. How did you get here? He asked,
• 4:01:03
  Speaker 1: as if mad with excitement. How have you been able
• 4:01:06
  Speaker 1: to find me? I did not understand. I wasn't looking
• 4:01:11
  Speaker 1: for you, I said, dazed. I spoke with difficulty. The
• 4:01:14
  Speaker 1: words came from me painfully, as if from dead, heavy
• 4:01:18
  Speaker 1: frozen lips. You weren't looking for me? No, I was
• 4:01:22
  Speaker 1: drawn here. Did you call me? You must have called.
• 4:01:26
  Speaker 1: But what are you doing here? It's still night? He
• 4:01:30
  Speaker 1: put his thin arms convulsively round me. Yes, night, but
• 4:01:34
  Speaker 1: it must soon be morning. Oh Sinclair, to think that
• 4:01:37
  Speaker 1: you didn't forget me? Can you ever forgive me? What? Then? Ah?
• 4:01:43
  Speaker 1: I was so hateful. Then I recollected our conversation. Had
• 4:01:49
  Speaker 1: that taken place four or five days ago? It seemed
• 4:01:52
  Speaker 1: to me like a lifetime. But suddenly I knew all,
• 4:01:56
  Speaker 1: not only what had occurred between us, but also why
• 4:01:59
  Speaker 1: I had come, and what Canal wanted to do there.
• 4:02:03
  Speaker 1: You wanted then to take your life, Canal, he shuddered
• 4:02:06
  Speaker 1: through cold and fear. Yes, I wanted to. I don't
• 4:02:10
  Speaker 1: know whether I could have. I wished to wait until
• 4:02:13
  Speaker 1: morning came. I drew him into the open. The first
• 4:02:17
  Speaker 1: oblique rays of day glimmered indescribably cold through the gray atmosphere.
• 4:02:22
  Speaker 1: I led the boy on my arm a little way.
• 4:02:25
  Speaker 1: I heard my own voice saying, now go home, and
• 4:02:28
  Speaker 1: don't say anything to anybody. You were on a false track,
• 4:02:31
  Speaker 1: a false track. And we are not swine as you
• 4:02:34
  Speaker 1: think we are. Men. We make gods and we wrestle
• 4:02:38
  Speaker 1: with them, and they bless us Silently. We went on
• 4:02:43
  Speaker 1: and separated. When I came home it was day. The
• 4:02:48
  Speaker 1: best that mystery in Saint Blank had yet to give
• 4:02:52
  Speaker 1: me was the hours with Pistorius at the organ or
• 4:02:55
  Speaker 1: by the chimney fire. We read a Greek text about
• 4:02:58
  Speaker 1: a braxast. Together. He read to me portions of a
• 4:03:02
  Speaker 1: translation of the Vida, and taught me to say the
• 4:03:05
  Speaker 1: sacred om. However, it was not this learned instruction which
• 4:03:10
  Speaker 1: was of service to my inner self, but rather the contrary.
• 4:03:14
  Speaker 1: What did me good was the self progression I made,
• 4:03:17
  Speaker 1: the increasing confidence in my own dreams, thoughts and presentiments,
• 4:03:21
  Speaker 1: and the consciousness of the power that I carried in me.
• 4:03:25
  Speaker 1: I had an excellent understanding with Pistorius in every way.
• 4:03:29
  Speaker 1: I needed only to think intently of him, and I
• 4:03:32
  Speaker 1: could be sure that he or a greeting from him
• 4:03:34
  Speaker 1: would come to me. I could ask him just as
• 4:03:38
  Speaker 1: I could damien something or other. Without his being there
• 4:03:41
  Speaker 1: in person. I needed only to imagine his presence and
• 4:03:45
  Speaker 1: put my questions to him as intensive thoughts. Then all
• 4:03:49
  Speaker 1: the sole force I had put into the question came
• 4:03:52
  Speaker 1: back to me as answer. Only it was not the
• 4:03:55
  Speaker 1: person of Pistorius which I called up in my imagination,
• 4:03:59
  Speaker 1: nor that of Maxim Damien. But it was the picture
• 4:04:02
  Speaker 1: I had painted and of which I had dreamed. It
• 4:04:05
  Speaker 1: was the half man, half woman dream picture of my
• 4:04:09
  Speaker 1: demon to which I called it lived now not only
• 4:04:13
  Speaker 1: in my dreams. It was no longer painted on paper,
• 4:04:16
  Speaker 1: but it was in me as a desire picture and
• 4:04:20
  Speaker 1: an enhancement of my spiritual self. The relation into which
• 4:04:26
  Speaker 1: the unsuccessful suicide canaler entered with me was peculiar and
• 4:04:31
  Speaker 1: sometimes amusing. Since the night I had been sent to him,
• 4:04:35
  Speaker 1: he dogged my steps like a faithful servant or a hound,
• 4:04:39
  Speaker 1: sought to attach himself to me, and followed me blindly.
• 4:04:43
  Speaker 1: He came to me with curious questions and wishes. He
• 4:04:47
  Speaker 1: wanted to see spirits, to learn the Kabbalah, and he
• 4:04:50
  Speaker 1: did not believe me when I assured him I understood
• 4:04:53
  Speaker 1: nothing of all these things. He credited me with being
• 4:04:57
  Speaker 1: able to do anything. But it was singular that he
• 4:05:01
  Speaker 1: often came to me with his queer and silly questions,
• 4:05:04
  Speaker 1: just at the moment when I myself had a mental
• 4:05:07
  Speaker 1: notch to be disentangled. His moody ideas and concerns often
• 4:05:12
  Speaker 1: gave me the cue the impulse which helped me in
• 4:05:16
  Speaker 1: the solution of my own problems. He was often tiresome,
• 4:05:20
  Speaker 1: and I imperiously drove him away. I felt, however, that
• 4:05:24
  Speaker 1: he had been sent to me, and what I gave
• 4:05:26
  Speaker 1: to him, I received twofold in return. He also was
• 4:05:31
  Speaker 1: a guide, or rather a way. The mad books and
• 4:05:36
  Speaker 1: publications he brought me and in which he sought the
• 4:05:38
  Speaker 1: key to happiness, taught me more than I realized at
• 4:05:42
  Speaker 1: the time. This canour vanished later from my path. Neither
• 4:05:48
  Speaker 1: did I miss him. No arrangement, no understanding was necessary
• 4:05:52
  Speaker 1: with him, But it was with Pistorius. Towards the close
• 4:05:57
  Speaker 1: of my school career in Saint Blank, I lived through
• 4:06:00
  Speaker 1: another peculiar experience with my friend. Even innocuous, innocent people
• 4:06:06
  Speaker 1: are not altogether spared the shock of a conflict. Even
• 4:06:10
  Speaker 1: they come once in their lives in conflict with the
• 4:06:12
  Speaker 1: beautiful virtues of piety and gratitude. Each must make the
• 4:06:17
  Speaker 1: step which parts him from his father from his teachers.
• 4:06:21
  Speaker 1: Each must once feel something of the bitterness of loneliness,
• 4:06:25
  Speaker 1: though most people cannot support it for long and soon
• 4:06:28
  Speaker 1: creep back to their homes again. It was not a
• 4:06:32
  Speaker 1: great struggle for me to part from my parents and
• 4:06:34
  Speaker 1: their world, the bright world of my beautiful childhood. But
• 4:06:39
  Speaker 1: slowly and almost imperceptibly, I had got further from them
• 4:06:43
  Speaker 1: and become more of a stranger to them. I regretted it.
• 4:06:47
  Speaker 1: It often caused me bitter hours during my visits home,
• 4:06:51
  Speaker 1: but it was not deep. I could bear it. But
• 4:06:55
  Speaker 1: when we have offered love and reverence of our own
• 4:06:57
  Speaker 1: accord and not out of habit, when we have been
• 4:07:00
  Speaker 1: disciples and friends with our innermost feelings, then it is
• 4:07:05
  Speaker 1: a bitter and terrible moment when the realization is suddenly
• 4:07:08
  Speaker 1: brought home to us that the guiding current of our
• 4:07:11
  Speaker 1: life is bearing us away from those we love. Then
• 4:07:15
  Speaker 1: every thought of ours, which rejects our friend and teacher,
• 4:07:19
  Speaker 1: enters our own heart like a poisoned sting. Every blow
• 4:07:23
  Speaker 1: of self defense strikes back into our own face. Then
• 4:07:27
  Speaker 1: he who felt that the dictates of his own conscience
• 4:07:30
  Speaker 1: were an authentic guide reproaches himself with the terms faithlessness
• 4:07:35
  Speaker 1: and ingratitude. Then the terrified heart flees anxiously back to
• 4:07:40
  Speaker 1: the valleys of childhood virtues and cannot believe that the
• 4:07:43
  Speaker 1: rupture must take place, that another bond must be severed.
• 4:07:49
  Speaker 1: In the course of time, a feeling had slowly developed
• 4:07:52
  Speaker 1: in me which refused to recognize my friend Pistorious unconditionally
• 4:07:57
  Speaker 1: as my guide. What I experience for instant the most
• 4:08:00
  Speaker 1: important moments of my youth was my friendship with him,
• 4:08:04
  Speaker 1: his counsel, his consolation, his proximity. God had spoken to
• 4:08:10
  Speaker 1: me through him. Through him, my dreams returned to me
• 4:08:14
  Speaker 1: from his mouth, came their explanation. From him, I learned
• 4:08:18
  Speaker 1: their significance. He had given me the courage to realize myself.
• 4:08:23
  Speaker 1: And now alas I felt a growing opposition against him.
• 4:08:28
  Speaker 1: In his conversation, he evinced too clearly a desire to
• 4:08:32
  Speaker 1: instruct me. I felt it was only one side of
• 4:08:35
  Speaker 1: my nature that he thoroughly understood. There was no quarrel,
• 4:08:40
  Speaker 1: no scene between us, no rupture. I said to him,
• 4:08:44
  Speaker 1: only a single, really harmless word. But nevertheless, it was
• 4:08:48
  Speaker 1: the moment when an illusion between us fell in colored pieces.
• 4:08:54
  Speaker 1: The presentiment had for some time already oppressed me, But
• 4:08:59
  Speaker 1: one Sunday in his scholarly old room, this presentiment changed
• 4:09:03
  Speaker 1: to a definite feeling. We were lying on the floor
• 4:09:06
  Speaker 1: before the fire. He was speaking of mysteries and religious
• 4:09:10
  Speaker 1: forms which he was studying, and on which he was meditating,
• 4:09:15
  Speaker 1: He occupied himself with trying to picture their possible feature.
• 4:09:19
  Speaker 1: To me, all this seemed curious and interesting, but scarcely
• 4:09:23
  Speaker 1: of vital importance. It smacked of erudition. It was like
• 4:09:28
  Speaker 1: a fatiguing search among the ruins of former worlds. And
• 4:09:32
  Speaker 1: all at once I felt an aversion from the whole business,
• 4:09:35
  Speaker 1: from this cult of mythology, from this sort of piecing together,
• 4:09:39
  Speaker 1: this mosaic work of religious forms which had been handed
• 4:09:43
  Speaker 1: down to posterity. Pistorius, I said, suddenly, in a malicious
• 4:09:49
  Speaker 1: outburst which surprised and frightened even myself, relate a dream,
• 4:09:54
  Speaker 1: a real dream, when that you have had in the night,
• 4:09:58
  Speaker 1: what you have just been talking about, so cursedly antiquarian,
• 4:10:04
  Speaker 1: he had never heard me speak. Thus, with shame and terror,
• 4:10:09
  Speaker 1: I realized the very same moment that the arrow I
• 4:10:12
  Speaker 1: had shot at him, and which had entered his heart,
• 4:10:15
  Speaker 1: was taken from his own quiver. I realized that I
• 4:10:19
  Speaker 1: had heard him reproach himself in an ironical tone on
• 4:10:22
  Speaker 1: this very account, and at now I had maliciously turned
• 4:10:26
  Speaker 1: one of his own reproaches against him, like a resharpened arrow.
• 4:10:31
  Speaker 1: He felt it instantly and was silent. I looked at
• 4:10:35
  Speaker 1: him with terror in my heart, and saw that he
• 4:10:37
  Speaker 1: had become very pale. After a long, very heavy pause,
• 4:10:42
  Speaker 1: he put some wood on the fire and said, quietly,
• 4:10:45
  Speaker 1: you are quite right, Sainclair. You're a wise fellow. I
• 4:10:49
  Speaker 1: will spare you all this antiquarian business. He spoke very quietly,
• 4:10:55
  Speaker 1: but his tone told me how deeply he had been wounded.
• 4:10:58
  Speaker 1: What had I done? I was on the point of tears.
• 4:11:03
  Speaker 1: I wanted to beg his pardon with all my heart,
• 4:11:06
  Speaker 1: to assure him of my affection and gratitude. Moving words
• 4:11:10
  Speaker 1: came into my mind, but I could not utter them.
• 4:11:14
  Speaker 1: He was silent as well, and so we lay there
• 4:11:17
  Speaker 1: while the flames leaped up and then sank. And with
• 4:11:20
  Speaker 1: each flame that paled fell something beautiful and fervid that
• 4:11:24
  Speaker 1: ceased to glow and had vanished, never again to come back.
• 4:11:30
  Speaker 1: I fear you have misunderstood me, I said at last,
• 4:11:33
  Speaker 1: much crushed, and with a dry, hoarse voice. The silly,
• 4:11:37
  Speaker 1: senseless words came as if mechanically, from my lips, as
• 4:11:41
  Speaker 1: if I had been reading them out of a news sheet.
• 4:11:44
  Speaker 1: I understood you perfectly, said Pistoria. Softly. You are quite right.
• 4:11:50
  Speaker 1: We waited. Then he continued, slowly, so far as one
• 4:11:54
  Speaker 1: man can be right in his judgment of another. No,
• 4:12:00
  Speaker 1: a voice inside me said, I am wrong, But I
• 4:12:03
  Speaker 1: could not say anything. I knew that I had aimed
• 4:12:07
  Speaker 1: my single little word at his one essential weakness. I
• 4:12:11
  Speaker 1: had touched the point of which he himself was distrustful.
• 4:12:15
  Speaker 1: His idea was antiquarian. He was a seeker, but retrogressive.
• 4:12:20
  Speaker 1: He was a romantic. And suddenly I realized that it
• 4:12:24
  Speaker 1: was just what he had been to me, and had
• 4:12:26
  Speaker 1: given me that he could not be and give to himself.
• 4:12:30
  Speaker 1: He had guided me to a point on the road
• 4:12:33
  Speaker 1: beyond which he, the guide, could not go. God knows
• 4:12:38
  Speaker 1: how I could have uttered such a word. I had
• 4:12:41
  Speaker 1: not meant it badly. I had had no idea it
• 4:12:44
  Speaker 1: would lead to a catastrophe. I had uttered something the
• 4:12:48
  Speaker 1: import of which I did not myself realize at the
• 4:12:50
  Speaker 1: moment of utterance. I had surrendered myself to a somewhat witty,
• 4:12:55
  Speaker 1: somewhat malicious inspiration, and Fate used it as her instrument.
• 4:13:01
  Speaker 1: I had been guilty of a little thoughtlessness prudeness, and
• 4:13:05
  Speaker 1: he had accepted it as a judgment Oh, how much
• 4:13:10
  Speaker 1: I wish then that he would have got angry, have
• 4:13:13
  Speaker 1: defended himself, have shouted at me. But he did nothing.
• 4:13:17
  Speaker 1: I had all that to do within myself. He would
• 4:13:21
  Speaker 1: have smiled had he been able. The fact that he
• 4:13:24
  Speaker 1: could not showed me more than anything else, how hard
• 4:13:27
  Speaker 1: I had hit him. And because Pistorius took the blow
• 4:13:32
  Speaker 1: from me, his presumptuous and ungrateful pupil, so quietly, because
• 4:13:37
  Speaker 1: he silently agreed with me, because he recognized my word
• 4:13:41
  Speaker 1: as a judgment of fate. He caused me to hate myself.
• 4:13:46
  Speaker 1: He made my thoughtlessness seem a thousand times greater than
• 4:13:49
  Speaker 1: it was as I struck. I had thought to hit
• 4:13:52
  Speaker 1: a strong man capable of defending himself. Now he was
• 4:13:56
  Speaker 1: a meek, suffering creature, defenseless who surrendered in silence. We
• 4:14:03
  Speaker 1: remained a long time, lying before the dying fire, in
• 4:14:06
  Speaker 1: which each glowing figure, each crumbling ash heap called to
• 4:14:10
  Speaker 1: my memory, happy, beautiful, rich hours, making my guilt and
• 4:14:14
  Speaker 1: my obligation to Pastoius greater and greater. Finally I could
• 4:14:19
  Speaker 1: bear it no longer. I got up and went. A
• 4:14:22
  Speaker 1: long time I stood before his door. A long time
• 4:14:26
  Speaker 1: I listened on the dog staircase. A long time I
• 4:14:29
  Speaker 1: stood outside in front of the house, waiting to see
• 4:14:32
  Speaker 1: whether perhaps he would come out to me. Then I
• 4:14:36
  Speaker 1: went on walking for hours and hours through town and suburbs,
• 4:14:40
  Speaker 1: park and wood, until evening fell. At that moment I
• 4:14:45
  Speaker 1: felt for the first time the mark of Cain on
• 4:14:48
  Speaker 1: my forehead. I fell to pondering and rumination. I had
• 4:14:54
  Speaker 1: every intention, in thinking matters over, to accuse myself and
• 4:14:58
  Speaker 1: to defend Pistori, but all ended to the contrary. A
• 4:15:03
  Speaker 1: thousand times. I was ready to repent of my rash
• 4:15:05
  Speaker 1: word and to withdraw it, but it had been true. Nevertheless,
• 4:15:10
  Speaker 1: now I succeeded in understanding Pastorius in building up his
• 4:15:14
  Speaker 1: whole dream. This dream had been to be a priest,
• 4:15:18
  Speaker 1: to proclaim a new religion, to invent new forms of exultation,
• 4:15:23
  Speaker 1: of love of worship, to set up new symbols. But
• 4:15:27
  Speaker 1: this was not within his province. He lingered too long
• 4:15:31
  Speaker 1: in the past. He knew too much of what had been.
• 4:15:35
  Speaker 1: He knew too much of Egypt, of India, of Mithras,
• 4:15:38
  Speaker 1: of a Praxis. His love was attached to ideas with
• 4:15:41
  Speaker 1: which the world was already familiar, and in his inmost self.
• 4:15:46
  Speaker 1: He probably recognized that the new religion had to be different,
• 4:15:50
  Speaker 1: that it had to spring from fresh sources and not
• 4:15:53
  Speaker 1: be drawn out of collections and libraries. His office was
• 4:15:58
  Speaker 1: perhaps to help men find themselves, as he had done
• 4:16:01
  Speaker 1: with me, But to found a new doctrine to give
• 4:16:05
  Speaker 1: new gods to the world was not his function in life.
• 4:16:10
  Speaker 1: And at this point the realization came upon me that
• 4:16:13
  Speaker 1: everyone has an office a charge, but to no one
• 4:16:17
  Speaker 1: is it permitted to choose his office for himself and
• 4:16:21
  Speaker 1: to discharge it as he likes. It was wrong to
• 4:16:24
  Speaker 1: want new gods. It was entirely wrong to wish to
• 4:16:27
  Speaker 1: give the world anything. A man has absolutely no other
• 4:16:31
  Speaker 1: duty than this, to seek himself, to grope his own
• 4:16:35
  Speaker 1: way forward, no matter whither it leads. That thought impressed
• 4:16:40
  Speaker 1: itself deeply on me. That was the fruit of this
• 4:16:43
  Speaker 1: new event. For me. Often had I pictured the future.
• 4:16:46
  Speaker 1: I had dreamed of filling rolls which might be destined
• 4:16:50
  Speaker 1: for me as poet, perhaps, or as prophet, as painter,
• 4:16:54
  Speaker 1: or some such role. All that was of no account.
• 4:16:58
  Speaker 1: I was not here to write, to preach, to paint.
• 4:17:01
  Speaker 1: Neither I nor any one else was here for that purpose.
• 4:17:05
  Speaker 1: All that was secondary. The true vocation for everyone was
• 4:17:09
  Speaker 1: only to attain to self realization. He might end as poet,
• 4:17:14
  Speaker 1: or as madmen, as prophet, or as criminal. That was
• 4:17:18
  Speaker 1: not his affair. That was of no consequence in the
• 4:17:21
  Speaker 1: long run. His business was to work out his own destiny,
• 4:17:26
  Speaker 1: not any destiny, but his own to live for that,
• 4:17:30
  Speaker 1: entirely and uninterruptedly. Everything else was merely an attempt to
• 4:17:35
  Speaker 1: shun his fate, to fly back to the ideals of
• 4:17:38
  Speaker 1: the masses, to adapt himself to circumstances. It was fear
• 4:17:43
  Speaker 1: of his own inner being. There rose before me, this
• 4:17:47
  Speaker 1: new picture, terrible and sacred, suggested to me a hundred
• 4:17:51
  Speaker 1: times ere this perhaps often already expressed, but now for
• 4:17:56
  Speaker 1: the first time lived. I was a throe from nature's
• 4:17:59
  Speaker 1: deyes box, a projection into the unknown, perhaps into something new,
• 4:18:04
  Speaker 1: perhaps into the void. And my sole vocation was to
• 4:18:08
  Speaker 1: let this throw up from primeval depths work itself out
• 4:18:11
  Speaker 1: in me, to feel its will in me, and to
• 4:18:15
  Speaker 1: make it mine. That solely. I had already known what
• 4:18:19
  Speaker 1: it was to be very lonely. Now I felt I
• 4:18:22
  Speaker 1: could be lonelier still, and that I could not escape
• 4:18:25
  Speaker 1: from it. I made no attempt to reconcile myself with Pistorius.
• 4:18:30
  Speaker 1: We remained friends, but our relation towards one another had changed.
• 4:18:35
  Speaker 1: Only one single time did we mention it, or rather,
• 4:18:38
  Speaker 1: it was only he who spoke of the matter. He said,
• 4:18:42
  Speaker 1: I want to be a priest. You know that I
• 4:18:44
  Speaker 1: would best of all like to be the priest of
• 4:18:46
  Speaker 1: the religion of which we have so many presentiments. I
• 4:18:50
  Speaker 1: can never be that. I know, I have known it
• 4:18:53
  Speaker 1: already for some time without fully admitting it. I will
• 4:18:57
  Speaker 1: do some other priestly service, perhaps at organ, perhaps in
• 4:19:01
  Speaker 1: another way. But I must always be surrounded by something
• 4:19:04
  Speaker 1: which I find beautiful and sacred. Organ, music and mysteries,
• 4:19:09
  Speaker 1: symbol and myth. I need that, and I cannot persuade
• 4:19:13
  Speaker 1: myself to leave it. That is my weakness. I often realize, Sinclair,
• 4:19:19
  Speaker 1: that I should not have such desires, that they are
• 4:19:22
  Speaker 1: a luxury and a weakness. It would be greater, it
• 4:19:26
  Speaker 1: would be more right, if I placed myself quite simply
• 4:19:29
  Speaker 1: at the disposition of fate, without pretensions. That is the
• 4:19:33
  Speaker 1: sole thing I cannot do. Perhaps you will sometime be
• 4:19:37
  Speaker 1: able to do it. It is hard, It is the only
• 4:19:41
  Speaker 1: thing really hard. There is, my friend. I have often
• 4:19:44
  Speaker 1: dreamed of it, but I cannot do it. I tremble
• 4:19:47
  Speaker 1: at the thought of it. I cannot stand so completely
• 4:19:50
  Speaker 1: naked and alone. I am a poor, weak hound who
• 4:19:55
  Speaker 1: needs a little warmth and food, who occasionally likes to
• 4:19:58
  Speaker 1: feel the proximity of his own He whose only desire
• 4:20:02
  Speaker 1: is to work out his own destiny, has no kith
• 4:20:05
  Speaker 1: or kin, but stands alone and has only the cold
• 4:20:08
  Speaker 1: world's space around him. Do you know that is Jesus
• 4:20:13
  Speaker 1: in the garden of Gethsemone. There have been martyrs who
• 4:20:17
  Speaker 1: willingly let themselves be nailed to the cross. But even
• 4:20:21
  Speaker 1: they were not heroes. They were not free. They also
• 4:20:24
  Speaker 1: wished for something to which they had become accustomed, which
• 4:20:27
  Speaker 1: they had loved, with which they had felt at home.
• 4:20:32
  Speaker 1: They had examples or ideals. He who will fulfill his
• 4:20:36
  Speaker 1: destiny has neither examples nor ideals. He has nothing dear
• 4:20:40
  Speaker 1: to him, nothing to comfort him. And one really ought
• 4:20:44
  Speaker 1: to go this way. People like you and I are
• 4:20:47
  Speaker 1: certainly very lonely, but we still have each other. We
• 4:20:50
  Speaker 1: have the secret satisfaction of being different, of revolting, of
• 4:20:54
  Speaker 1: wanting the unusual. But we must drop that too, if
• 4:20:58
  Speaker 1: we would go the whole way. We must not wish
• 4:21:01
  Speaker 1: to be revolutionaries or examples or martyrs. To think the
• 4:21:06
  Speaker 1: thought to its logical end. No one could not think
• 4:21:12
  Speaker 1: beyond that. But one could dream of it, could sense it,
• 4:21:16
  Speaker 1: could anticipate it. A few times I realized something of
• 4:21:19
  Speaker 1: this in a very quiet hour. Then I looked straight
• 4:21:23
  Speaker 1: into the open, staring eyes of my fate. They could
• 4:21:27
  Speaker 1: have been full of wisdom or full of madness. They
• 4:21:30
  Speaker 1: could be full of love or full of wickedness. It
• 4:21:33
  Speaker 1: was all one. One was to choose nothing of all that.
• 4:21:37
  Speaker 1: One was to want nothing. One was only to want
• 4:21:40
  Speaker 1: one's self one's destiny. In that way, had Pistorius served
• 4:21:45
  Speaker 1: me for a time as Goide? In those days I
• 4:21:49
  Speaker 1: walked about as if I were blind. Storms roared within me,
• 4:21:53
  Speaker 1: Every step meant danger. I was conscious of nothing but
• 4:21:57
  Speaker 1: the precipitous darkness in front of me, down to wid
• 4:22:00
  Speaker 1: which all the roads I had trodden hitherto seemed to lead.
• 4:22:04
  Speaker 1: And in my inward self I saw the picture of
• 4:22:07
  Speaker 1: the guide who resembled Damien, and in whose eyes stood
• 4:22:11
  Speaker 1: in my fate. I wrote on a sheet of paper,
• 4:22:15
  Speaker 1: A guide has left me. I stand in complete darkness.
• 4:22:19
  Speaker 1: I cannot take a step alone help me. I wished
• 4:22:25
  Speaker 1: to send that to Damien, yet I omitted to do
• 4:22:28
  Speaker 1: this for each time I wished to do it. It
• 4:22:30
  Speaker 1: seemed foolish and meaningless, but I knew that little prayer
• 4:22:34
  Speaker 1: by heart and often said it to myself. It accompanied
• 4:22:37
  Speaker 1: me hourly. I began to realize what prayer is. My
• 4:22:43
  Speaker 1: school career was over. My father had arranged that during
• 4:22:47
  Speaker 1: the holidays I wish to travel, and then I was
• 4:22:50
  Speaker 1: to go to university in which faculty I knew not
• 4:22:55
  Speaker 1: I was to be allowed to take philosophy for one semester.
• 4:22:59
  Speaker 1: I should been equally content with anything else. End of
• 4:23:05
  Speaker 1: Chapter six, Part two. Chapter seven, Mother Eve, Part one.
• 4:23:13
  Speaker 1: In the holidays, I went once to the house in
• 4:23:15
  Speaker 1: which years before Max, Damien and his mother had lived.
• 4:23:20
  Speaker 1: An old lady was walking in the garden. I entered
• 4:23:23
  Speaker 1: into conversation and learned that the house belonged to her.
• 4:23:27
  Speaker 1: I inquired after the Damiens. She remembered them very well,
• 4:23:31
  Speaker 1: but she did not know where they were living at
• 4:23:33
  Speaker 1: that moment. As she felt my interest, she took me
• 4:23:36
  Speaker 1: into the house, searched through a leather album, and showed
• 4:23:39
  Speaker 1: me a photograph of Damien's mother I scarcely had any
• 4:23:43
  Speaker 1: recollections of what she was like. But when I saw
• 4:23:46
  Speaker 1: the little picture, my heart stood still. It was my
• 4:23:50
  Speaker 1: dream picture. There. It was the tall, almost masculine woman's figure,
• 4:23:55
  Speaker 1: resembling her son, with traits of motherliness, traits which no
• 4:24:00
  Speaker 1: severity and deep passion, Beautiful and alluring, beautiful and unapproachable,
• 4:24:07
  Speaker 1: demon and mother, destiny and mistress. That was she. I
• 4:24:13
  Speaker 1: was filled with a wild wonder when I learned that
• 4:24:15
  Speaker 1: my dream picture lived on earth. There was a woman
• 4:24:19
  Speaker 1: then who looked like that, who bore my fate in
• 4:24:22
  Speaker 1: her features. Where was she? Where? And she was Damien's mother.
• 4:24:29
  Speaker 1: I started on my travels soon after a strange journey.
• 4:24:33
  Speaker 1: I went restlessly from place to place, as impulse directed,
• 4:24:37
  Speaker 1: always in search of this woman. There were days when
• 4:24:40
  Speaker 1: I met shapes which reminded me of her, and which
• 4:24:44
  Speaker 1: resembled her. These shapes led me on through the streets
• 4:24:47
  Speaker 1: of strange towns, into railway stations, into trains, as in
• 4:24:52
  Speaker 1: a tangled dream. There were other days when I saw
• 4:24:56
  Speaker 1: how useless my search was. Then I sat inactive anywhere
• 4:25:00
  Speaker 1: in a park or the garden of a hotel, in
• 4:25:03
  Speaker 1: a waiting room. I looked into myself and tried to
• 4:25:06
  Speaker 1: make the picture live in me, but it was now
• 4:25:10
  Speaker 1: shy and elusive. I could not sleep. I only nodded
• 4:25:14
  Speaker 1: for a quarter of an hour or so on railway
• 4:25:17
  Speaker 1: journeys through country unknown to me. Once in Zurich, a
• 4:25:22
  Speaker 1: woman followed me, a pretty, rather forward woman. I scarcely
• 4:25:26
  Speaker 1: noticed her and went on as if she were heir.
• 4:25:30
  Speaker 1: I would rather have died at once than have shown
• 4:25:32
  Speaker 1: sympathy for another woman, even if only for an hour.
• 4:25:37
  Speaker 1: I felt that my destiny was leading me on. I
• 4:25:40
  Speaker 1: felt that fulfillment was nigh. I was mad with impatience
• 4:25:44
  Speaker 1: to think that I could do nothing to help myself.
• 4:25:47
  Speaker 1: Once at a station I think it was at Innsbruck,
• 4:25:51
  Speaker 1: I saw at the window of a train which was
• 4:25:53
  Speaker 1: just moving out a form which reminded me of her.
• 4:25:57
  Speaker 1: And I was miserable for days, And suddenly the form
• 4:26:00
  Speaker 1: appeared again to me at night in a dream. I
• 4:26:04
  Speaker 1: woke up with a feeling as of shame, realizing the
• 4:26:07
  Speaker 1: fruitlessness and senselessness of my chase, and I went home
• 4:26:11
  Speaker 1: by the most direct route. A couple of weeks later,
• 4:26:15
  Speaker 1: I matriculated in the University of h Everything disappointed me.
• 4:26:21
  Speaker 1: The course of lectures I followed on the history of
• 4:26:23
  Speaker 1: philosophy was just as vain and mechanical as the common
• 4:26:27
  Speaker 1: ground of student life. Everything was so much according to pattern.
• 4:26:32
  Speaker 1: One person did as the other, and the boyish faces,
• 4:26:35
  Speaker 1: although inflamed with a forced gaiety, looked so distressingly vacant.
• 4:26:41
  Speaker 1: It was like the gloss of a ready made article.
• 4:26:44
  Speaker 1: But I was free. I had the whole day to
• 4:26:47
  Speaker 1: myself and lived quietly in a beautiful old building outside
• 4:26:51
  Speaker 1: the town. I had a couple of volumes of Nietzsche
• 4:26:54
  Speaker 1: on my table. I lived with him, feeling the loneliness
• 4:26:58
  Speaker 1: of his soul, sensing his destiny, which impelled him onwards unceasingly.
• 4:27:05
  Speaker 1: I suffered with him, and was happy that there had
• 4:27:07
  Speaker 1: been one who had gone his way so inflexibly. Late
• 4:27:13
  Speaker 1: one evening, I wandered through the town. An autumn wind
• 4:27:16
  Speaker 1: was blowing, and I heard the student societies singing in
• 4:27:19
  Speaker 1: their taverns. Tobacco smoke rose in clouds through the open windows.
• 4:27:25
  Speaker 1: Songs were being roared out loudly and tensely, but the
• 4:27:29
  Speaker 1: noise did not soar up, it fell dully on the ear.
• 4:27:34
  Speaker 1: It was lifelessly uniform. I stood at a street corner
• 4:27:38
  Speaker 1: and listened from two cafes. The flood of song rolled
• 4:27:42
  Speaker 1: forth into the night. Everywhere, community everywhere, This huddling together everywhere,
• 4:27:48
  Speaker 1: this unloading of the burden of destiny, this flight into
• 4:27:52
  Speaker 1: the warm proximity of the herd. Two men passed me
• 4:27:57
  Speaker 1: by slowly. I caught a phrase of their converse. Isn't
• 4:28:01
  Speaker 1: it just like an assembly of youths in a nigger village,
• 4:28:04
  Speaker 1: said one. They all do the same things, even tattooing
• 4:28:08
  Speaker 1: is in fashion. Look that's the young europe The voice
• 4:28:13
  Speaker 1: rang suggestively in my ear. I followed behind the two
• 4:28:17
  Speaker 1: in the dark street. One of them was a Japanese,
• 4:28:20
  Speaker 1: small and elegant. I saw his yellow, smiling face shine
• 4:28:24
  Speaker 1: under the lamp. The others spoke again, Well, I don't
• 4:28:28
  Speaker 1: suppose it's any better with you. In Japan, people who
• 4:28:31
  Speaker 1: do not follow the herd are everywhere rare. There are
• 4:28:34
  Speaker 1: a few here too. Every word went through me. I
• 4:28:40
  Speaker 1: felt pleasure and dread. I recognized the speaker. It was Damien.
• 4:28:46
  Speaker 1: In the windy night, I followed him and the Japanese
• 4:28:49
  Speaker 1: through the dark streets, listening to their conversation and enjoying
• 4:28:53
  Speaker 1: the ring of Damien's voice. It had the old tone,
• 4:28:57
  Speaker 1: the old beautiful sureness and tranquility, and it had the
• 4:29:02
  Speaker 1: same power over me. Now everything was right. I had
• 4:29:06
  Speaker 1: found him at the end of a street in the suburbs.
• 4:29:09
  Speaker 1: The Japanese took leave and closed a house door behind him.
• 4:29:14
  Speaker 1: Damien took the way back. I had remained standing and
• 4:29:17
  Speaker 1: awaited him in the middle of the street with beating heart.
• 4:29:21
  Speaker 1: I saw him approaching erect and walking with an elastic step.
• 4:29:25
  Speaker 1: He wore a brown raincoat and carried a thin stick
• 4:29:29
  Speaker 1: hanging from his arm. He advanced without altering his regular
• 4:29:33
  Speaker 1: stride until he got right up to me. He took
• 4:29:36
  Speaker 1: off his hat, displaying his old bright face with the
• 4:29:39
  Speaker 1: determined mouth and the peculiar brightness on the broad forehead. Damien,
• 4:29:45
  Speaker 1: I called. He stretched out his hand to me. So
• 4:29:48
  Speaker 1: it's you, then, Sinclair. I expected you. Did you know
• 4:29:53
  Speaker 1: I was here? I didn't know for certain, but I
• 4:29:56
  Speaker 1: hoped it might be true. I saw you first this evening.
• 4:30:00
  Speaker 1: You have been behind us the whole time. You recognize
• 4:30:03
  Speaker 1: me then at once. Of course You're very much changed,
• 4:30:08
  Speaker 1: to be sure, But you have the sign. We used
• 4:30:11
  Speaker 1: to call it the mark of Cain. If you recollect
• 4:30:14
  Speaker 1: it is our sign. You have always had it For
• 4:30:17
  Speaker 1: that reason I became your friend. But now it is clearer.
• 4:30:23
  Speaker 1: I did not know, or rather I did. I once
• 4:30:27
  Speaker 1: painted a picture of you, Damien, and was astonished that
• 4:30:30
  Speaker 1: it was also like me. Was that the sign? That
• 4:30:34
  Speaker 1: was it? It's fine that you are here. Now my
• 4:30:37
  Speaker 1: mother will be glad as well, I started, Your mother?
• 4:30:42
  Speaker 1: Is she here? She doesn't know me a bit. Oh,
• 4:30:46
  Speaker 1: she knows of you. She will know without even my
• 4:30:49
  Speaker 1: asking her who you are. You haven't let me hear
• 4:30:52
  Speaker 1: from you for a long time. Oh. I often wanted
• 4:30:56
  Speaker 1: to write, but nothing came of it. For some time past,
• 4:31:00
  Speaker 1: I have felt that I should find you. I was
• 4:31:03
  Speaker 1: waiting for it every day. He pushed his arm through mine,
• 4:31:07
  Speaker 1: and we went on. Tranquility seemed to emanate from him
• 4:31:11
  Speaker 1: and pass on to me. We were soon chatting together
• 4:31:14
  Speaker 1: as formerly. We mentioned our school days, the confirmation class,
• 4:31:19
  Speaker 1: and that unlucky meeting of ours in the holidays. Only
• 4:31:22
  Speaker 1: no mention was made of the earliest and closest bond
• 4:31:25
  Speaker 1: between us, of the affair with Frank Cromer. Unexpectedly, we
• 4:31:31
  Speaker 1: found ourselves in the middle of a singular and ominous conversation,
• 4:31:36
  Speaker 1: having recalled Damien's discourse with the Japanese. We spoke of
• 4:31:40
  Speaker 1: student life in general, and from that we had branched
• 4:31:43
  Speaker 1: off to something else, which seemed to be rather out
• 4:31:46
  Speaker 1: of the way of the former trend of our talk. Nevertheless,
• 4:31:50
  Speaker 1: from Damien's manner of introducing the subject, there seemed to
• 4:31:53
  Speaker 1: be no lack of coherence in our conversation. He spoke
• 4:31:58
  Speaker 1: of the spirit of Europe and of modern tendencies. Everywhere,
• 4:32:03
  Speaker 1: he said, reigned a desire to come together to form herds,
• 4:32:07
  Speaker 1: but nowhere was freedom or love. All this life in common,
• 4:32:12
  Speaker 1: from the student clubs and choral societies to the state,
• 4:32:16
  Speaker 1: was an unnatural, forced phenomenon. The community owed its origin
• 4:32:21
  Speaker 1: to a sense of fear of embarrassment, to a desire
• 4:32:25
  Speaker 1: for flight. Inwardly, it was rotten and old. In approaching
• 4:32:29
  Speaker 1: a general break up, community, Damien said, is a beautiful thing,
• 4:32:36
  Speaker 1: but what we see blossoming everywhere is by no means
• 4:32:39
  Speaker 1: that it will arise anew from the mutual understanding of individuals,
• 4:32:44
  Speaker 1: and after a time the world will be remodeled. What
• 4:32:47
  Speaker 1: is now called community is merely a formation of herds.
• 4:32:52
  Speaker 1: Mankind seeks refuge together because men have fear of one another,
• 4:32:57
  Speaker 1: the masters combined for their own ends, the workmen for theirs,
• 4:33:01
  Speaker 1: and the intellectuals for theirs. And why are they afraid?
• 4:33:06
  Speaker 1: One is only afraid when one is not at one
• 4:33:08
  Speaker 1: with one's self. They are afraid because they have never
• 4:33:12
  Speaker 1: had the courage to be themselves. A community of men
• 4:33:16
  Speaker 1: who are afraid of the unknown in themselves. They all
• 4:33:20
  Speaker 1: feel that the laws of their life no longer hold good,
• 4:33:24
  Speaker 1: that they are living according to outworn commandments. Neither their
• 4:33:28
  Speaker 1: religion nor their morals conform to our needs. For a
• 4:33:33
  Speaker 1: hundred years and more, Europe has simply studied and built factories.
• 4:33:38
  Speaker 1: They know exactly how many grams of powder it takes
• 4:33:41
  Speaker 1: to kill a man, But they do not know how
• 4:33:43
  Speaker 1: to pray to God. They have no idea how to
• 4:33:46
  Speaker 1: amuse themselves even for an hour. Look at these students
• 4:33:50
  Speaker 1: drinking in their taverns, or take any place of amusement
• 4:33:53
  Speaker 1: where rich people go helpless, My dear Sinclair, no cheerfulness,
• 4:33:59
  Speaker 1: no serenity can come of all that. These creatures who
• 4:34:03
  Speaker 1: move about so uneasily in crowds, are full of fear
• 4:34:06
  Speaker 1: and full of wickedness. No one trusts the other. They
• 4:34:11
  Speaker 1: adhere to ideals which have ceased to exist, and they
• 4:34:14
  Speaker 1: stone every one who proposes a new one. I feel
• 4:34:18
  Speaker 1: that there are troubles ahead of us. They will come.
• 4:34:21
  Speaker 1: Believe me, they will come soon. Of course, the world
• 4:34:26
  Speaker 1: won't be bettered whether the workmen kill the manufacturers, or
• 4:34:30
  Speaker 1: whether the Russians and Germans shoot at one another. It
• 4:34:33
  Speaker 1: will only be a change of proprietors. But it will
• 4:34:36
  Speaker 1: not be in vain. It will free the world from
• 4:34:39
  Speaker 1: chains of present day ideals. There will be a clearing
• 4:34:42
  Speaker 1: away of stone age gods. The world as it is
• 4:34:45
  Speaker 1: now wants to die. It wants to perish, and it will.
• 4:34:50
  Speaker 1: And what will happen to us, then, I asked to us, Oh,
• 4:34:55
  Speaker 1: perhaps we shall perish as well. They can also murder
• 4:34:58
  Speaker 1: people in our position. Only we shall not be entirely
• 4:35:01
  Speaker 1: wiped out. The will of the future will realize itself
• 4:35:05
  Speaker 1: from what remains of our influence, or with the aid
• 4:35:08
  Speaker 1: of those of us who survive. The will of humanity
• 4:35:12
  Speaker 1: will make itself felt, which our Europe has for a
• 4:35:15
  Speaker 1: long time past tried to drown in its sale yard
• 4:35:18
  Speaker 1: of scientifically manufactured articles. And then it will be seen
• 4:35:23
  Speaker 1: that there is nothing in common between the will of
• 4:35:25
  Speaker 1: humanity and that of our present day communities, of the
• 4:35:28
  Speaker 1: states and peoples, of the societies and churches. But what
• 4:35:33
  Speaker 1: nature wills with man is written in the individual few,
• 4:35:36
  Speaker 1: in you and in me. It is found in Jesus,
• 4:35:40
  Speaker 1: in Nietzsche. For these the only important currents of thought
• 4:35:44
  Speaker 1: which naturally can alter their course each day. There will
• 4:35:48
  Speaker 1: be place when the present day communities break up together.
• 4:35:52
  Speaker 1: It was late when we made a halt before our
• 4:35:54
  Speaker 1: garden by the river. We live here, said Damien, Come
• 4:35:59
  Speaker 1: and see us soon. We shall expect you. I cheerfully
• 4:36:03
  Speaker 1: wended my long way home through the night, which had
• 4:36:06
  Speaker 1: become cold. Here and there brawling students were lurching through
• 4:36:10
  Speaker 1: the town. I had often felt, sometimes with a feeling
• 4:36:15
  Speaker 1: of privation, sometimes with scorn, the contrast between their curious
• 4:36:19
  Speaker 1: sort of gaiety and my lonely life. But now, tranquil
• 4:36:24
  Speaker 1: and strong, and a sense of secret power, I felt,
• 4:36:27
  Speaker 1: as never before, how little that affected me, How far
• 4:36:31
  Speaker 1: removed was their world from mine. I reminded myself of
• 4:36:35
  Speaker 1: officials of my native town, worthy old gentlemen who clung
• 4:36:39
  Speaker 1: to memories of the semesters they had passed in drinking
• 4:36:43
  Speaker 1: as they would to memories of a blissful paradise, and
• 4:36:46
  Speaker 1: who practiced occult calling up reminiscences of the vanished freedom
• 4:36:51
  Speaker 1: of their university life, with all the seriousness which some
• 4:36:54
  Speaker 1: poet or other romantic would devote to an account of
• 4:36:57
  Speaker 1: his childhood. Everywhere the same everywhere they sought liberty and
• 4:37:03
  Speaker 1: happiness behind them in the past for fear of being
• 4:37:07
  Speaker 1: reminded of their own responsibility, of being warned. They were
• 4:37:11
  Speaker 1: not striking out for themselves, but merely going the way
• 4:37:14
  Speaker 1: of all the world. Two or three years passed and
• 4:37:18
  Speaker 1: drinking in jollification, and then they crept under the common
• 4:37:21
  Speaker 1: shelter and became serious gentlemen in the service of the state. Yes,
• 4:37:26
  Speaker 1: it was rotten, Our whole system was rotten, and these
• 4:37:30
  Speaker 1: student sillinesses were less stupid and not so bad as
• 4:37:33
  Speaker 1: a hundred others. However, when I reached my distant dwelling
• 4:37:37
  Speaker 1: and went to bed, all these thoughts had flown. Everything
• 4:37:41
  Speaker 1: else was in suspense as I looked forward to the
• 4:37:44
  Speaker 1: fulfillment of the promise made to me that day, as
• 4:37:48
  Speaker 1: soon as I wished in the morning, if I liked,
• 4:37:51
  Speaker 1: I could see Damien's mother. Let the students hold their
• 4:37:54
  Speaker 1: drinking bouts and tattoo their faces. Let the world be
• 4:37:58
  Speaker 1: rotten and on the brink of ruin. What had that
• 4:38:00
  Speaker 1: to do with me? I was waiting for one single thing,
• 4:38:04
  Speaker 1: that my fate might meet me in a new picture.
• 4:38:08
  Speaker 1: I woke up late in the morning from a deep sleep.
• 4:38:11
  Speaker 1: The day broke for me as a solemn, festal day,
• 4:38:14
  Speaker 1: such as I had not experienced since the Christmas celebrations
• 4:38:17
  Speaker 1: of my boyhood. I was full of a deep unrest,
• 4:38:22
  Speaker 1: yet entirely without fear. I felt that an important day
• 4:38:26
  Speaker 1: had broken for me. I saw and felt the world
• 4:38:29
  Speaker 1: around me changed. It was full of secret, portent, expectant
• 4:38:34
  Speaker 1: and solemn. Even the gently falling autumn rain was beautiful,
• 4:38:39
  Speaker 1: full of the quiet, glad, serious music of a festal day.
• 4:38:44
  Speaker 1: For the first time, the outer world was in tune
• 4:38:47
  Speaker 1: with my inner world. Then it is a feast day
• 4:38:50
  Speaker 1: for the soul. Then living is worth while. No house,
• 4:38:55
  Speaker 1: no shop window, no face in the street disturbed me.
• 4:38:59
  Speaker 1: Everything as it had to be, but did not wear
• 4:39:02
  Speaker 1: the empty features of every day and of the habitual.
• 4:39:06
  Speaker 1: It was like expectant nature, standing full of awe to
• 4:39:10
  Speaker 1: meet its fate. Thus, as a little boy, I used
• 4:39:13
  Speaker 1: to see the world on the morning of a great
• 4:39:15
  Speaker 1: feast day at Christmas or at Easter. I had not
• 4:39:19
  Speaker 1: known that this world could still be so beautiful. I
• 4:39:23
  Speaker 1: had been accustomed to living shut up in myself, and
• 4:39:26
  Speaker 1: to content myself with the idea that my understanding of
• 4:39:29
  Speaker 1: the outside world had been lost, that the loss of
• 4:39:32
  Speaker 1: glistening colors was inevitably connected with the loss of childish vision.
• 4:39:39
  Speaker 1: So the hour came when I found again that garden
• 4:39:42
  Speaker 1: in the suburbs, at the gate of which I had
• 4:39:45
  Speaker 1: taken leave of Max Damien the night before. Concealed behind
• 4:39:49
  Speaker 1: trees in a gray mist of rain, stood a little house,
• 4:39:53
  Speaker 1: bright and homely. Tall flowers stood behind a big glass partition,
• 4:39:58
  Speaker 1: and behind shining windows were dark room walls with pictures
• 4:40:02
  Speaker 1: and bookcases. The front door led immediately into a little hall,
• 4:40:07
  Speaker 1: and a silent old servant, black with white apron showed
• 4:40:10
  Speaker 1: me in and took my raincoat from me. She left
• 4:40:14
  Speaker 1: me alone in the hall. I looked about me, I
• 4:40:18
  Speaker 1: looked round, and immediately I was in the middle of
• 4:40:21
  Speaker 1: my dream. On the dark wood wall above the door,
• 4:40:24
  Speaker 1: under glass, and in a black frame hung a picture
• 4:40:27
  Speaker 1: I knew well. My bird with the golden yellow hawk's
• 4:40:32
  Speaker 1: crest forcing its way out of the sphere. Much moved,
• 4:40:37
  Speaker 1: I remained standing, my heart felt glad and sorry, as
• 4:40:41
  Speaker 1: if in that moment everything I had done and had
• 4:40:43
  Speaker 1: experienced came back to me as answer and fulfillment. Like
• 4:40:49
  Speaker 1: a lightning flash, A crowd of pictures passed through my soul.
• 4:40:53
  Speaker 1: My home, the house of my father, with the old
• 4:40:56
  Speaker 1: stone crest over the arch of the door, the boy
• 4:41:00
  Speaker 1: Damien drawing the crest, Myself as a boy fearsome under
• 4:41:05
  Speaker 1: the evil spell of my enemy Cromer, Myself as a
• 4:41:09
  Speaker 1: youth at the table in my little room at school,
• 4:41:12
  Speaker 1: painting the bird of my dream. The soul caught in
• 4:41:16
  Speaker 1: a web of its own weaving, and everything, everything up
• 4:41:20
  Speaker 1: to this moment found echo in me again and was confined.
• 4:41:24
  Speaker 1: Answered approved. With misty eyes, I stared at my picture
• 4:41:30
  Speaker 1: and read in the book of my soul. My glance dropped.
• 4:41:35
  Speaker 1: In the open door under the picture of the bird
• 4:41:37
  Speaker 1: stood a tall lady in a dark dress. It was
• 4:41:41
  Speaker 1: she I could not utter a word. The beautiful woman
• 4:41:48
  Speaker 1: smiled at me in a friendly way, beneath features like
• 4:41:52
  Speaker 1: her son's, timeless and without age, full of an animated will,
• 4:41:57
  Speaker 1: Her look was fulfillment. Her grief king meant home coming
• 4:42:01
  Speaker 1: in silence. I stretched out my hands to her. She
• 4:42:05
  Speaker 1: seized both mine with her strong, warm ones. You are Sainclair.
• 4:42:10
  Speaker 1: I knew you at once. I am very glad to
• 4:42:13
  Speaker 1: see you. Her voice was deep and warm. I drank
• 4:42:17
  Speaker 1: it in like sweet wine. And now I looked up
• 4:42:21
  Speaker 1: in her tranquil face, into the black eyes of unfathomable depth.
• 4:42:25
  Speaker 1: I looked at her fresh ripe mouth, queenly forehead, which
• 4:42:29
  Speaker 1: bore the sign how glad I am, I said to her,
• 4:42:34
  Speaker 1: and kissed her hands. I believe I have been on
• 4:42:38
  Speaker 1: my way all my life long, but now I have
• 4:42:41
  Speaker 1: come home. She smiled in a motherly way. One never
• 4:42:47
  Speaker 1: comes home, she said gently, But where friendly roads converge,
• 4:42:51
  Speaker 1: the whole world looks for an hour like home. She
• 4:42:55
  Speaker 1: gave expression to what I myself had felt on my
• 4:42:58
  Speaker 1: way to her. Her voice and her words were like
• 4:43:02
  Speaker 1: those of her son, and yet quite different. Everything was
• 4:43:06
  Speaker 1: more mature, warmer, more assured. But just as Max and
• 4:43:10
  Speaker 1: years past had made on no one the impression of
• 4:43:13
  Speaker 1: being a mere boy, so his mother did not look
• 4:43:16
  Speaker 1: like the mother of a grown up son. So young
• 4:43:19
  Speaker 1: and sweet was the breath of her face and hair,
• 4:43:23
  Speaker 1: so smooth, her golden skin so blossoming, her mouth more
• 4:43:27
  Speaker 1: queenly still than in my dream. She stood before me.
• 4:43:31
  Speaker 1: Her presence was love's happiness, her look was fulfillment. This, then,
• 4:43:38
  Speaker 1: was the new picture in which my fate displayed itself,
• 4:43:41
  Speaker 1: no longer severe, no longer isolating, but mature and full
• 4:43:46
  Speaker 1: of promise. I took no resolutions, I made no vows.
• 4:43:51
  Speaker 1: I had attained an end. I had reached a point
• 4:43:53
  Speaker 1: of vantage on the way from which the further road
• 4:43:57
  Speaker 1: displayed itself, broad and lovely, leading to lands of promise,
• 4:44:02
  Speaker 1: shaded by tree tops of happiness near at hand, cooled
• 4:44:06
  Speaker 1: by gardens of delight. Come what might? I was happy
• 4:44:10
  Speaker 1: to know of this woman's existence in the world, to
• 4:44:13
  Speaker 1: drink in her voice, to sense her presence. Whether she
• 4:44:17
  Speaker 1: would be to me, Mother, mistress goddess, what mattered it
• 4:44:22
  Speaker 1: as long as she was present, as long as my
• 4:44:25
  Speaker 1: way lay near to hers. She indicated my picture of
• 4:44:30
  Speaker 1: the hawk. You have never given max more pleasure than
• 4:44:34
  Speaker 1: by sending this bird, she said, musingly, And I was
• 4:44:38
  Speaker 1: pleased as well. We expected you, and when the picture arrived,
• 4:44:42
  Speaker 1: we knew that you were on the way to us.
• 4:44:45
  Speaker 1: When you were a little boy, Sainclair, my son came
• 4:44:48
  Speaker 1: one day from school and said, there's a boy who
• 4:44:51
  Speaker 1: has the sign on his forehead. He must be my friend.
• 4:44:56
  Speaker 1: That was you. You have not had an easy time
• 4:44:59
  Speaker 1: of it, but we had confidence in you. Once in
• 4:45:03
  Speaker 1: the holidays, when you were at home, Max met you again.
• 4:45:06
  Speaker 1: You were at that time about sixteen years old. Max
• 4:45:10
  Speaker 1: told me. I interrupted, Oh, that he should have told
• 4:45:14
  Speaker 1: you that it was the most miserable time I have had. Yes,
• 4:45:19
  Speaker 1: Max said to me. Now Sinclair has the hardest time
• 4:45:23
  Speaker 1: before him. He is making an attempt to escape to
• 4:45:26
  Speaker 1: the community. He has even taken to drinking with the others,
• 4:45:30
  Speaker 1: but he won't succeed. In that his sign has become dulled,
• 4:45:34
  Speaker 1: but it shines secretly. Was that not the case, Oh, yes,
• 4:45:39
  Speaker 1: it was exactly. Then I found Beatrice, and finally a
• 4:45:43
  Speaker 1: guide came to me. His name was Pistorius. For the
• 4:45:47
  Speaker 1: first time it was clear to me why my boyhood
• 4:45:50
  Speaker 1: was so bound up with Max's, why I could not
• 4:45:53
  Speaker 1: break away from him. Dear lady, dear mother. At that
• 4:45:58
  Speaker 1: time I often thought I should have to take my life.
• 4:46:02
  Speaker 1: Is the way so hard for every one? She let
• 4:46:06
  Speaker 1: her fingers stray through my hair, as gently as if
• 4:46:09
  Speaker 1: a light breeze were blowing. It is always hard to
• 4:46:13
  Speaker 1: be borne, you know. It is not without effort that
• 4:46:16
  Speaker 1: the bird comes out of the egg. Look back and
• 4:46:20
  Speaker 1: ask yourself. Was the way then so hard? Only hard?
• 4:46:25
  Speaker 1: Was it not beautiful as well? Could you have had
• 4:46:28
  Speaker 1: one more beautiful, more easy? I shook my head. It
• 4:46:34
  Speaker 1: was hard, I said, as if in sleep. It was
• 4:46:38
  Speaker 1: hard until the dream came. She nodded and looked at
• 4:46:42
  Speaker 1: me penetratingly. Yes, one must find one's dream. Then the
• 4:46:47
  Speaker 1: way is easy. But there is no dream which endures,
• 4:46:51
  Speaker 1: for always each sets a new one, free to none
• 4:46:55
  Speaker 1: should one wish to leave? I started, Was that already
• 4:47:00
  Speaker 1: a warning? Was that already a warding off? But no matter?
• 4:47:06
  Speaker 1: I was ready to let myself be led by her
• 4:47:09
  Speaker 1: and not inquire after the end? I do not know,
• 4:47:13
  Speaker 1: I said, How long my dream is to last? I
• 4:47:16
  Speaker 1: wish it would last forever. My fate received me under
• 4:47:19
  Speaker 1: the picture of the bird, like a mother and like
• 4:47:22
  Speaker 1: a mistress. To it I belong and to no one else.
• 4:47:27
  Speaker 1: As long as the dream is your fate, so long
• 4:47:30
  Speaker 1: must you remain true to it? She said, in earnest
• 4:47:33
  Speaker 1: confirmation of my remark. I was very sad, and I
• 4:47:38
  Speaker 1: wished ardently to die in this hour of enchantment. I
• 4:47:42
  Speaker 1: felt the tears for what an interminably long time I
• 4:47:45
  Speaker 1: had not wept, rise irresistibly and overmaster me. I turned
• 4:47:50
  Speaker 1: violently away from her. I stepped to the window and
• 4:47:54
  Speaker 1: looked out, my eyes blinded with tears, away over the
• 4:47:59
  Speaker 1: flower pots, I heard her voice behind me. It rang
• 4:48:03
  Speaker 1: out calmly, and yet was so full of tenderness, like
• 4:48:06
  Speaker 1: a cup filled to the brim with wine. Sinclair, what
• 4:48:11
  Speaker 1: a child you are. Of course, your fate loves you.
• 4:48:14
  Speaker 1: One day it will belong to you entirely, just as
• 4:48:17
  Speaker 1: you dreamt it, if you remain true to it. I
• 4:48:22
  Speaker 1: had composed myself and turned my face to her again.
• 4:48:26
  Speaker 1: She gave me her hand. I have a few friends,
• 4:48:30
  Speaker 1: she said, smiling, very few, very close friends, who call
• 4:48:34
  Speaker 1: me mother Eve. You may call me so as well,
• 4:48:37
  Speaker 1: if you like. She led me to the door, opened it,
• 4:48:41
  Speaker 1: and indicated the garden. You will find Max out there.
• 4:48:45
  Speaker 1: I think I stood under the tall trees, stunned and stupefied.
• 4:48:51
  Speaker 1: I knew not whether I was more awake or more dreaming.
• 4:48:54
  Speaker 1: Than ever softly. The rain dripped from the branches. I
• 4:48:58
  Speaker 1: went slowly through the garden, which stretched far along the
• 4:49:01
  Speaker 1: river bank. At last I found Damien. He stood in
• 4:49:05
  Speaker 1: an open summer house, naked to the waist. He was
• 4:49:09
  Speaker 1: doing boxing exercises with a little sack of sand hung
• 4:49:13
  Speaker 1: from a beam. Astonished, I remained standing there. Damien looked magnificent.
• 4:49:20
  Speaker 1: His broad chest, the firm, manly head, the uplifted arms
• 4:49:24
  Speaker 1: were strong and sturdy. The movements came from the hips,
• 4:49:28
  Speaker 1: the shoulders, the joints of the arm, as easily as
• 4:49:31
  Speaker 1: if they bubbled out of a spring of strength. Damien,
• 4:49:35
  Speaker 1: I called, What are you doing there? He laughed gaily.
• 4:49:40
  Speaker 1: I am exercising. I have promised to box with the
• 4:49:43
  Speaker 1: little jap. The fellow is as agile as a cat,
• 4:49:46
  Speaker 1: and naturally just as sly. But he won't be able
• 4:49:49
  Speaker 1: to manage me. Huh, I owe him just one little beating.
• 4:49:53
  Speaker 1: He drew on shirt and coat. You've already seen mother,
• 4:49:57
  Speaker 1: he asked, Yes, Dan, what a marvelous mother you have?
• 4:50:02
  Speaker 1: Mother Eve The name suits her perfectly. She is like
• 4:50:06
  Speaker 1: the mother of all being. He gazed for an instant, musingly,
• 4:50:11
  Speaker 1: in my face, you know her name. Already you ought
• 4:50:15
  Speaker 1: to be proud, young friend. You're the only one to
• 4:50:17
  Speaker 1: whom she has said it in the first hour's acquaintance.
• 4:50:21
  Speaker 1: From this day on, I went in and out of
• 4:50:24
  Speaker 1: the house like a son and a brother, but also
• 4:50:27
  Speaker 1: like a lover. When I closed the gate behind me,
• 4:50:30
  Speaker 1: even when I saw the tall trees of the garden
• 4:50:33
  Speaker 1: emerge in the distance, I was happy. Outside was reality.
• 4:50:38
  Speaker 1: Outside were streets and houses, human beings and institutions, libraries
• 4:50:43
  Speaker 1: and lecture rooms. Here inside were love and the life
• 4:50:47
  Speaker 1: of the soul. Here was the kingdom of fairy stories
• 4:50:50
  Speaker 1: and dreams. And yet we lived, by no means shut
• 4:50:54
  Speaker 1: off from the world in thought and word. We often
• 4:50:57
  Speaker 1: lived in its midst, only on another plane. We were
• 4:51:01
  Speaker 1: not separated from the majority of creatures by boundaries, but
• 4:51:04
  Speaker 1: rather by a different sort of vision. Our task was
• 4:51:08
  Speaker 1: to be, as it were, an island in the world,
• 4:51:12
  Speaker 1: perhaps an example in any case, to proclaim that it
• 4:51:16
  Speaker 1: was possible to live a different sort of life. I,
• 4:51:20
  Speaker 1: who had been isolated for so long, learned to what
• 4:51:24
  Speaker 1: extent community of feeling is possible between people who have
• 4:51:27
  Speaker 1: experienced complete loneliness. I no longer desire to be back
• 4:51:33
  Speaker 1: at the tables of the happy, at the feasts of
• 4:51:35
  Speaker 1: the Mary. I no longer felt envious or homesick when
• 4:51:39
  Speaker 1: I saw others living in community, and slowly I was
• 4:51:42
  Speaker 1: initiated into the mystery of those who bore the Sign.
• 4:51:48
  Speaker 1: End of Chapter seven, Part one, Mother Eve, Chapter seven,
• 4:51:55
  Speaker 1: Mother Eve, Part two. We who bore the Sign were
• 4:52:01
  Speaker 1: probably justly considered by the world as peculiar, yes, mad
• 4:52:06
  Speaker 1: even and dangerous. For we were awake, or were waking,
• 4:52:12
  Speaker 1: and our endeavor was to be more and more completely awake.
• 4:52:15
  Speaker 1: Whereas the others strove to be happy, attaching themselves to
• 4:52:18
  Speaker 1: the herd, the opinions and ideals of which they made
• 4:52:22
  Speaker 1: their own, taking up the same duties, making their life
• 4:52:25
  Speaker 1: and happiness depend on common interests. True, there was a
• 4:52:29
  Speaker 1: certain greatness of vigorousness in their endeavor. But whereas from
• 4:52:34
  Speaker 1: our point of view, we who bore the Sign carried
• 4:52:37
  Speaker 1: out the will of nature as individuals and as men
• 4:52:41
  Speaker 1: of the future, the others persisted in a stubbornness which
• 4:52:45
  Speaker 1: hindered all progress. For them, mankind, which they loved just
• 4:52:50
  Speaker 1: as we did, was something already complete which must be
• 4:52:54
  Speaker 1: maintained and protected. For us, mankind was a distant future
• 4:52:59
  Speaker 1: to which we were all on the way. No one
• 4:53:02
  Speaker 1: could imagine this future, neither did its laws stand written
• 4:53:06
  Speaker 1: in any book. Besides Mother, Eve Max, and myself. They
• 4:53:11
  Speaker 1: belonged to our circle in a greater or lesser degree
• 4:53:13
  Speaker 1: of intimacy. Many seekers of very various sorts. Many of
• 4:53:18
  Speaker 1: them were going along their own special paths, had set
• 4:53:21
  Speaker 1: up special aims, and adhere to special opinions and duties.
• 4:53:26
  Speaker 1: Amongst these were astrologers and cabalists, also an adherent of
• 4:53:31
  Speaker 1: Count Tolstoy, and all kinds of tender, timid, sensitive people,
• 4:53:35
  Speaker 1: followers of new sects, men who practiced Indian cults, vegetarians,
• 4:53:40
  Speaker 1: and others. With all these we had really nothing of
• 4:53:44
  Speaker 1: a spiritual nature in common, except the esteem which each
• 4:53:47
  Speaker 1: accorded the secret life dream of the other. Some were
• 4:53:51
  Speaker 1: in closer contact with us, such as those who traced
• 4:53:54
  Speaker 1: the searchings of mankind after gods and new ideals in
• 4:53:58
  Speaker 1: the past, and whose study often reminded me of my
• 4:54:01
  Speaker 1: friend Vistorius. They brought books with them translated for us
• 4:54:06
  Speaker 1: texts from ancient tongues, and showed us illustrations of ancient
• 4:54:10
  Speaker 1: symbols and rights. They taught us to see how all
• 4:54:13
  Speaker 1: the ideals of mankind up to the present have their
• 4:54:16
  Speaker 1: origin in dreams of the subconscious soul, dreams in which
• 4:54:20
  Speaker 1: humanity is, as it were, feeling its way forward into
• 4:54:25
  Speaker 1: the future, guided by premonitions of the future's potentialities. So
• 4:54:30
  Speaker 1: we went through the religious history of the ancient world
• 4:54:33
  Speaker 1: with its thousand Gods, to the dawn of Christianity. The
• 4:54:37
  Speaker 1: confessions of the isolated saints were known to us, and
• 4:54:40
  Speaker 1: the changes of religion from race to race. And from
• 4:54:44
  Speaker 1: all the knowledge we thus acquired resulted a criticism of
• 4:54:47
  Speaker 1: our era and of present day Europe, of this continent which,
• 4:54:51
  Speaker 1: through enormous exertions, had created powerful new weapons for humanity,
• 4:54:57
  Speaker 1: only to fall finally into a deep spiritual day devastation,
• 4:55:01
  Speaker 1: the effects of which were at last being felt, for
• 4:55:04
  Speaker 1: it had gained the whole world, only to lose its
• 4:55:07
  Speaker 1: own soul. There were with us believers as well, advocates
• 4:55:12
  Speaker 1: of doctrines of salvation, in the efficacy of which they
• 4:55:16
  Speaker 1: were very hopeful. They were Buddhists who wished to convert
• 4:55:20
  Speaker 1: Europe and disciples of Tolstoy into other confessions. We in
• 4:55:24
  Speaker 1: our narrow circle listened, but accepted none of these doctrines
• 4:55:28
  Speaker 1: except as symbols. We who bore the sign had no
• 4:55:32
  Speaker 1: cares as regarded the formation of the future. To us,
• 4:55:36
  Speaker 1: every confession, every doctrine of salvation appeared in advance, dead
• 4:55:41
  Speaker 1: and useless. Our whole duty, our destiny, was, we felt
• 4:55:46
  Speaker 1: to attain to self realization, in order that in us
• 4:55:50
  Speaker 1: Nature might find scope for its full activities, and that
• 4:55:54
  Speaker 1: the unknown future might find us ready to fill any
• 4:55:57
  Speaker 1: role which should be allotted us. Whether we expressed our
• 4:56:01
  Speaker 1: opinion in so many words or not, it was clear
• 4:56:04
  Speaker 1: to all of us that a break up of the
• 4:56:06
  Speaker 1: present day world was approaching, to be followed by a
• 4:56:10
  Speaker 1: new birth. Damien said to me on more than one occasion,
• 4:56:15
  Speaker 1: what will come is beyond conception. The soul of Europe
• 4:56:18
  Speaker 1: is an animal which has been chained up for an
• 4:56:21
  Speaker 1: immeasurably long period. When it is set free, its first
• 4:56:25
  Speaker 1: movements will not display much amiability. But the way it
• 4:56:30
  Speaker 1: will take, whether direct or indirect, is not of importance.
• 4:56:34
  Speaker 1: Provided that the soul's true need is realized, this soul,
• 4:56:38
  Speaker 1: which has been deluded and dulled for so long, then
• 4:56:42
  Speaker 1: our day will come. Then we shall be needed, not
• 4:56:45
  Speaker 1: as guides or new law givers. We shall not live
• 4:56:48
  Speaker 1: to see the new laws, but rather as volunteers, as
• 4:56:52
  Speaker 1: those who are ready to follow and to stand wherever
• 4:56:54
  Speaker 1: fate shall call us. Look, all men are ready to
• 4:56:58
  Speaker 1: perform the incredible, and their ideals are threatened. But no
• 4:57:02
  Speaker 1: one comes forward. When a new ideal, a new perhaps
• 4:57:05
  Speaker 1: a dangerous and uncanny impulse of spiritual growth, declares itself.
• 4:57:11
  Speaker 1: We shall be of those few who are there ready
• 4:57:14
  Speaker 1: to go forward for that purpose? Have we been singled out?
• 4:57:18
  Speaker 1: Just as Cain was marked with the sign to inspire
• 4:57:21
  Speaker 1: fear and hate, to drive the men of his time
• 4:57:24
  Speaker 1: out of a narrow, idyllic existence into the broad pastures
• 4:57:28
  Speaker 1: of a greater destiny. All men whose influence has affected
• 4:57:32
  Speaker 1: the march of humanity, all such, without differentiation, owe their
• 4:57:37
  Speaker 1: capabilities and their efficacy to the fact that they were
• 4:57:41
  Speaker 1: ready to do the bidding of destiny that applies to
• 4:57:45
  Speaker 1: Napoleon and Bismarck. The immediate purpose to which they direct
• 4:57:49
  Speaker 1: their energies does not lie within their choice. If Bismarck
• 4:57:54
  Speaker 1: had understood the social democrats and had thrown in his
• 4:57:57
  Speaker 1: lot with them, he would have been a prudent fellow.
• 4:58:00
  Speaker 1: But he would never have been the instrument of fate.
• 4:58:03
  Speaker 1: The same applies to Napoleon, to Caesar, to Loyola, to
• 4:58:07
  Speaker 1: all of them. One must always look at such things
• 4:58:10
  Speaker 1: from the point of view of biology and evolution. When
• 4:58:15
  Speaker 1: the changes which took place in the Earth's surface transferred
• 4:58:18
  Speaker 1: to the land, animals which lived in water, and vice versa,
• 4:58:22
  Speaker 1: then those specimens which were ready to fulfill their functions
• 4:58:25
  Speaker 1: as instruments of fate, brought new and unheard of things
• 4:58:29
  Speaker 1: to pass, and were able, through new adaptations, to save
• 4:58:32
  Speaker 1: their kind. Whether these specimens were the same that had
• 4:58:36
  Speaker 1: previously been conservatives and preservers of the status quo or
• 4:58:41
  Speaker 1: the eccentrics and revolutionaries is not known. They were ready
• 4:58:45
  Speaker 1: to be used by fate, and for that reason were
• 4:58:48
  Speaker 1: able to help their race through a new stage of
• 4:58:51
  Speaker 1: revolution that we do know. For that reason we want
• 4:58:56
  Speaker 1: to be ready. Mother Eve was off and present when
• 4:59:01
  Speaker 1: such conversations took place, but she did not join in.
• 4:59:05
  Speaker 1: For each of us who chose to express his thoughts,
• 4:59:07
  Speaker 1: she was, as it were, a listener and an echo,
• 4:59:11
  Speaker 1: full of confidence, full of understanding. It appeared as if
• 4:59:15
  Speaker 1: our ideas all emanated from her and returned to her again.
• 4:59:21
  Speaker 1: My happiness consisted in sitting near her, in hearing her
• 4:59:25
  Speaker 1: voice from time to time, and in participating in that
• 4:59:28
  Speaker 1: atmosphere of maturity and of the soul which surrounded her.
• 4:59:34
  Speaker 1: She felt immediately when a change was taking place in me,
• 4:59:38
  Speaker 1: when my soul was troubled, or when a renewal was
• 4:59:41
  Speaker 1: in progress. It seemed to me as if the dreams
• 4:59:45
  Speaker 1: I had in my sleep were inspired by her. I
• 4:59:49
  Speaker 1: often related them to her. She found them quite comprehensible
• 4:59:53
  Speaker 1: and natural. There were no peculiarities which she could not
• 4:59:57
  Speaker 1: follow clearly. For at I had dreams which were like
• 5:00:01
  Speaker 1: reproductions of the day's conversation. I dreamed that the whole
• 5:00:05
  Speaker 1: world was in revolt, and that I, alone, or with Damien,
• 5:00:10
  Speaker 1: tensely waited the signal of fate. Fate remained half concealed,
• 5:00:15
  Speaker 1: but for somehow or other, the traits of Mother eve
• 5:00:20
  Speaker 1: to be chosen or rejected by her. That was fate.
• 5:00:26
  Speaker 1: Sometimes she said, with a smile, your dream is not complete, Sinclair.
• 5:00:30
  Speaker 1: You have forgotten the best part. And it sometimes happened
• 5:00:34
  Speaker 1: that I recalled it then, and I could not understand
• 5:00:37
  Speaker 1: how I had come to forget any of it. At
• 5:00:40
  Speaker 1: times I was discontented and was tormented by desire. I
• 5:00:45
  Speaker 1: thought I could not bear to see her near me
• 5:00:47
  Speaker 1: any longer without taking her in my arms. She noticed
• 5:00:52
  Speaker 1: that immediately. Once, when I had stayed away for several
• 5:00:56
  Speaker 1: days and had returned distraught, she took me aside and said,
• 5:01:01
  Speaker 1: you should not give yourself up to wishes in which
• 5:01:04
  Speaker 1: you do not believe. I know what you wish. You
• 5:01:08
  Speaker 1: must give up these desires, or else surrender yourself to
• 5:01:11
  Speaker 1: them completely. If one day you are able to ask
• 5:01:15
  Speaker 1: convinced that your wishes will be fulfilled, then you will
• 5:01:19
  Speaker 1: find satisfaction. But you wish and repent again, and are
• 5:01:24
  Speaker 1: afraid you must overcome all that. I will tell you
• 5:01:28
  Speaker 1: a fairy tale, And she told me of a youth
• 5:01:32
  Speaker 1: who was in love with a star. He stood on
• 5:01:35
  Speaker 1: the sea shore, stretched out his hands and prayed to
• 5:01:39
  Speaker 1: the star. He dreamed of it, and all his thoughts
• 5:01:42
  Speaker 1: were of it. But he knew, or thought he knew
• 5:01:45
  Speaker 1: that a star could not be embraced by a man.
• 5:01:49
  Speaker 1: He held it to be his fate to love a
• 5:01:51
  Speaker 1: star without hope of fulfillment. And he created from this
• 5:01:55
  Speaker 1: thought a whole life poem about renunciation and mute faithful suffering,
• 5:02:01
  Speaker 1: which should better him and purify him. But his dreams
• 5:02:06
  Speaker 1: all went up to the star. Once again, he stood
• 5:02:10
  Speaker 1: at night by the sea shore on a high cliff.
• 5:02:13
  Speaker 1: He gazed at the star, and his love for it
• 5:02:16
  Speaker 1: flamed up within him, and in a moment of great longing,
• 5:02:20
  Speaker 1: he made a spring, throwing himself into space to meet
• 5:02:23
  Speaker 1: the star. But at the moment of leaping, the thought
• 5:02:26
  Speaker 1: flashed through his mind, it is impossible, and so he
• 5:02:31
  Speaker 1: was dashed to pieces on the rocks below. He did
• 5:02:35
  Speaker 1: not know how to love. Had he had the strength
• 5:02:38
  Speaker 1: of soul at the moment of leaping to believe in
• 5:02:41
  Speaker 1: the fulfillment of his wish, he would have flown up
• 5:02:44
  Speaker 1: and have been united with that star. Love must not
• 5:02:49
  Speaker 1: beg she said, nor demand either. Love must have the
• 5:02:53
  Speaker 1: force to be absolutely certain of itself. Then it is
• 5:02:57
  Speaker 1: attracted no longer, but a tracts Sinclair. I am attracting
• 5:03:04
  Speaker 1: your love. As soon as you attract my love, I
• 5:03:07
  Speaker 1: shall come. I do not want to make a present
• 5:03:10
  Speaker 1: of myself. I want to be one. On a later occasion,
• 5:03:15
  Speaker 1: she told me another fairy story. There was a lover
• 5:03:19
  Speaker 1: who loved without hope of success. He withdrew entirely into himself,
• 5:03:23
  Speaker 1: and thought his love would consume him. The world was
• 5:03:27
  Speaker 1: lost to him. He saw the blue sky and the
• 5:03:30
  Speaker 1: green wood no longer. He did not hear the murmuring
• 5:03:33
  Speaker 1: of the stream, or the notes of the harp. All
• 5:03:36
  Speaker 1: that meant nothing to him, and he became poor and miserable.
• 5:03:40
  Speaker 1: But his love grew, and he would much rather have
• 5:03:44
  Speaker 1: died and have made an end of it all than
• 5:03:46
  Speaker 1: renounced the chance of possessing the beautiful woman whom he loved.
• 5:03:52
  Speaker 1: Then he suddenly felt that his love had consumed everything
• 5:03:55
  Speaker 1: else in him. It became powerful and exercised an irresistible attract.
• 5:04:00
  Speaker 1: The beautiful woman had to follow. She came, and he
• 5:04:03
  Speaker 1: stood with outstretched arms to draw her to him. But
• 5:04:07
  Speaker 1: as she stood before him, she was completely transformed, and
• 5:04:11
  Speaker 1: with a thrill, he felt and saw that he had
• 5:04:14
  Speaker 1: drawn into his embrace the whole world which he had lost.
• 5:04:20
  Speaker 1: She stood before him and surrendered herself to him. Sky
• 5:04:23
  Speaker 1: and wood and brook all was decked out in lovely
• 5:04:27
  Speaker 1: new colors. All belonged to him and spoke his tongue.
• 5:04:32
  Speaker 1: And instead of merely winning a woman, he had taken
• 5:04:35
  Speaker 1: the whole world to his heart, and each star in
• 5:04:38
  Speaker 1: the heaven glowed in him, and twinkling communicated desire to
• 5:04:42
  Speaker 1: his soul. He had loved and thereby had found himself.
• 5:04:47
  Speaker 1: But most people love only to lose themselves. Thereby, my
• 5:04:52
  Speaker 1: whole life seemed to be contained in my love for
• 5:04:56
  Speaker 1: Mother Eve. But every day she looked different. Many times
• 5:05:01
  Speaker 1: I felt decidedly that it was not her person for
• 5:05:04
  Speaker 1: which my whole being was striving, but that she was
• 5:05:06
  Speaker 1: a symbol of my inward self, and that she wished
• 5:05:10
  Speaker 1: only to lead me to see more deeply into myself.
• 5:05:14
  Speaker 1: I often heard words fall from her lips which sounded
• 5:05:17
  Speaker 1: like answers to the burning questions asked by my sub
• 5:05:20
  Speaker 1: conscious self. Then again there were moments when in her
• 5:05:25
  Speaker 1: presence I burnt with desire, and afterwards kissed objects she
• 5:05:29
  Speaker 1: had touched, and by degrees sensual and unsensual love, reality
• 5:05:35
  Speaker 1: and symbol merged into one another. Then it happened that
• 5:05:40
  Speaker 1: I could think of her at home in my room
• 5:05:43
  Speaker 1: with quiet fervor. I thought I felt her hand in
• 5:05:46
  Speaker 1: mine and my lips pressed to hers. Or I was
• 5:05:51
  Speaker 1: at her house, gazing up into her face, talking with her,
• 5:05:55
  Speaker 1: listening to her voice, and I did not know whether
• 5:05:58
  Speaker 1: it was really she or whether it was a dream.
• 5:06:02
  Speaker 1: I began to foresee how one can have a lasting
• 5:06:05
  Speaker 1: and immortal love. In reading a book, I had acquired
• 5:06:09
  Speaker 1: new knowledge, and it was the same feeling as a
• 5:06:11
  Speaker 1: kiss from Mother Eve. She stroked my hair and smiled
• 5:06:16
  Speaker 1: at me. I sensed the perfume of her warm, ripe mouth,
• 5:06:20
  Speaker 1: and I had the same feeling as if I had
• 5:06:22
  Speaker 1: been making progress within myself. All that was important and
• 5:06:26
  Speaker 1: faithful for me seemed to be contained in her. She
• 5:06:31
  Speaker 1: could transform herself into each of my thoughts, and every
• 5:06:34
  Speaker 1: one of my thoughts was transformed into her. I feared
• 5:06:39
  Speaker 1: that it would be torture to spend the two weeks
• 5:06:41
  Speaker 1: of the Christmas holidays separated from Mother Eve with my
• 5:06:45
  Speaker 1: parents at home, But it was no torture. It was
• 5:06:49
  Speaker 1: lovely to be at home and to think of her.
• 5:06:52
  Speaker 1: When I returned to h I remained away from her
• 5:06:55
  Speaker 1: house another two days in order to enjoy the security
• 5:06:59
  Speaker 1: and independence of her actual presence. I also had dreams
• 5:07:04
  Speaker 1: in which my union with her was accomplished by way
• 5:07:07
  Speaker 1: of allegory. She was a sea into which I a
• 5:07:11
  Speaker 1: river flowed. She was a star, and I myself was
• 5:07:16
  Speaker 1: a star on my way to her. We felt drawn
• 5:07:20
  Speaker 1: to one another. We met and remained together, always turning
• 5:07:24
  Speaker 1: blissfully round one another in close lying orbits to the
• 5:07:28
  Speaker 1: music of the spheres. I related this dream to her
• 5:07:32
  Speaker 1: when I visited her again after the holidays. It's a
• 5:07:36
  Speaker 1: beautiful dream, she said, softly, see that it comes true.
• 5:07:40
  Speaker 1: There came a day in early spring that I shall
• 5:07:42
  Speaker 1: never forget. I entered the hall, A window stood open,
• 5:07:48
  Speaker 1: and the heavy scent of hyacinths, wefted by a warm
• 5:07:51
  Speaker 1: breath of air, permeated the room. As no one was
• 5:07:55
  Speaker 1: to be seen, I went upstairs to Max Damien's study,
• 5:08:00
  Speaker 1: softly on the door and entered without waiting for permission,
• 5:08:03
  Speaker 1: as I was in the habit of doing with him.
• 5:08:06
  Speaker 1: The room was dark, the curtains were all drawn. The
• 5:08:10
  Speaker 1: door to the little room adjoining stood open, where Max
• 5:08:13
  Speaker 1: had set up a chemical laboratory. From there came the
• 5:08:16
  Speaker 1: bright white light of the spring sun, shining through rain clouds.
• 5:08:21
  Speaker 1: I thought no one was there, and pulled back one
• 5:08:23
  Speaker 1: of the curtains. There I saw Max Danian sitting on
• 5:08:28
  Speaker 1: a stool by a curtained window. His attitude was cramped
• 5:08:32
  Speaker 1: and he was oddly changed. The thought flashed through me.
• 5:08:36
  Speaker 1: You have seen him like this once before. His arms
• 5:08:39
  Speaker 1: were motionless at his side, his hands in his lap,
• 5:08:42
  Speaker 1: His face inclined slightly forward with open eyes, was without sight,
• 5:08:47
  Speaker 1: as if dead. In the eyes there glimmered dully, a
• 5:08:52
  Speaker 1: little reflex of light, as in a piece of glass.
• 5:08:56
  Speaker 1: The pale face was self absorbed, and without any expression
• 5:09:00
  Speaker 1: that of great rigidity. He looked like a very ancient
• 5:09:03
  Speaker 1: mask of an animal at the door of a temple.
• 5:09:07
  Speaker 1: He appeared not to be breathing. The recollection came to
• 5:09:12
  Speaker 1: me thus exactly. Thus had I once seen him many
• 5:09:15
  Speaker 1: years ago, when I was still quite a boy. Thus
• 5:09:19
  Speaker 1: had his eyes stared inwards. Thus his hands had been
• 5:09:23
  Speaker 1: lying motionless close to one another. A fly had been
• 5:09:26
  Speaker 1: crawling over his face, And he had, then, six years ago,
• 5:09:30
  Speaker 1: perhaps looked just as old and as ageless. Not a
• 5:09:34
  Speaker 1: wrinkle in his face had changed. I was frightened and
• 5:09:37
  Speaker 1: went softly out of the room and down the stairs.
• 5:09:41
  Speaker 1: In the hall, I met mother Eve. She was pale
• 5:09:44
  Speaker 1: and seemed tired. I had not seen her like that before.
• 5:09:48
  Speaker 1: A shadow came through the window. The bright white sun
• 5:09:51
  Speaker 1: had suddenly disappeared. I went into Mass's room. I whispered hastily.
• 5:09:58
  Speaker 1: Has anything happened? He is a sleep or absorbed. I
• 5:10:01
  Speaker 1: don't know what. I once saw him like that before.
• 5:10:05
  Speaker 1: But you didn't wake him, she asked quickly. No, he
• 5:10:09
  Speaker 1: did not hear me. I came out immediately, Mother Eve,
• 5:10:13
  Speaker 1: tell me what is the matter with him? She passed
• 5:10:17
  Speaker 1: her hand over her forehead. Don't worry, Sinclair. Nothing has
• 5:10:20
  Speaker 1: happened to him. He has retired in to himself. It
• 5:10:24
  Speaker 1: will not last long. She got up and went out
• 5:10:27
  Speaker 1: into the garden. Although it had begun to rain, I
• 5:10:31
  Speaker 1: felt that I must not follow her. So I walked
• 5:10:34
  Speaker 1: up and down in the hall, inhaling the scent of
• 5:10:37
  Speaker 1: the hyacinths, which dulled my senses, and gazing at my
• 5:10:40
  Speaker 1: picture of the bird over the door, I felt oppressively
• 5:10:44
  Speaker 1: the odd shadow which seemed to fill the house that morning.
• 5:10:48
  Speaker 1: What was it? What had happened? Mother Eve came back soon,
• 5:10:54
  Speaker 1: raindrops hung in her dark hair. She sat down in
• 5:10:57
  Speaker 1: her easy chair. She was very tired. I went to her,
• 5:11:02
  Speaker 1: bent down and kissed the rain drops in her hair.
• 5:11:05
  Speaker 1: Her eyes were bright and soft, but the rain drops
• 5:11:08
  Speaker 1: tasted like tears. Shall I go and see how he is,
• 5:11:12
  Speaker 1: I asked, in a whisper. She smiled weakly. Don't be
• 5:11:16
  Speaker 1: a child, Sainclair, she admonished loudly, as if to relieve
• 5:11:20
  Speaker 1: her own feelings. Go now and come back later. I
• 5:11:23
  Speaker 1: cannot talk to you now, I went. I walked out
• 5:11:28
  Speaker 1: of the house and out of the town, towards the mountains.
• 5:11:31
  Speaker 1: The thin rain was falling obliquely. The clouds were driving
• 5:11:35
  Speaker 1: at a low altitude under heavy pressure, as if in fear.
• 5:11:39
  Speaker 1: Down below, there was hardly any breeze, but on the
• 5:11:42
  Speaker 1: heights above a storm seemed to be raging. Several times,
• 5:11:46
  Speaker 1: the sun, pale and bright, broke for an instant through
• 5:11:50
  Speaker 1: the steely gray of the clouds. There came a fleecy
• 5:11:53
  Speaker 1: yellow cloud driving across the sky. It collided with the
• 5:11:57
  Speaker 1: gray cloud wall, and in a few seconds the wind
• 5:11:59
  Speaker 1: formed picture of the yellow and blue of a bird
• 5:12:02
  Speaker 1: of giant size, which tore itself free from the blue melee,
• 5:12:07
  Speaker 1: and with wide fluttering wings, disappeared in the sky. Then
• 5:12:11
  Speaker 1: the storm became audible, and rain mixed with hail rattled down.
• 5:12:16
  Speaker 1: A short burst of thunder with an unnatural and terrific sound,
• 5:12:20
  Speaker 1: cracked over the whipped landscape immediately after, the sun broke through,
• 5:12:25
  Speaker 1: and on the mountains close at hand, above brown woods
• 5:12:28
  Speaker 1: glistened pale and unreal the fresh snow. When I returned
• 5:12:34
  Speaker 1: after several hours, wet from the rain and wind, Damien
• 5:12:38
  Speaker 1: himself opened the front door to me. He took me
• 5:12:41
  Speaker 1: with him up to his room. A gas flame burned
• 5:12:44
  Speaker 1: in the laboratory. Paper lay about. He appeared to have
• 5:12:47
  Speaker 1: been working. Sit down, he invited. You must be tired.
• 5:12:51
  Speaker 1: It was a terrible storm. It's evidence you were overtaken
• 5:12:55
  Speaker 1: by it. Tea is coming at once. Something is the
• 5:12:59
  Speaker 1: matter to day, I began, hesitatingly. It can't only be
• 5:13:03
  Speaker 1: that bit of a storm. He looked at me penetratingly.
• 5:13:07
  Speaker 1: Have you seen anything? Yes? I saw a picture clearly
• 5:13:11
  Speaker 1: in the clouds for an instant. What sort of a picture?
• 5:13:15
  Speaker 1: It was a bird? The hawk? Was it that the
• 5:13:18
  Speaker 1: bird of your dream? Yes? It was my hawk. It
• 5:13:22
  Speaker 1: was yellow and of giants size. It flew up into
• 5:13:25
  Speaker 1: the blue black heaven. Damien took a deep breath. Some
• 5:13:30
  Speaker 1: one knocked at the door. The aged servant brought in tea.
• 5:13:34
  Speaker 1: Take a cup, Sainclaire. Do I don't think it was
• 5:13:37
  Speaker 1: by chance you saw the bird chance. Does one see
• 5:13:41
  Speaker 1: such things by chance? Well, no, it means something. Do
• 5:13:46
  Speaker 1: you know what? No, I only feel it means a
• 5:13:52
  Speaker 1: violent shock, the approach of fate. I think it will
• 5:13:55
  Speaker 1: affect all of us. He walked violently up and down.
• 5:14:00
  Speaker 1: The approach of fate, he exclaimed loudly. I dreamed the
• 5:14:03
  Speaker 1: same thing myself last night, and my mother yesterday had
• 5:14:06
  Speaker 1: a premonition pretending the same thing I dreamed. I was
• 5:14:10
  Speaker 1: going up a ladder placed against a tree trunk or
• 5:14:13
  Speaker 1: a tower. When I reached the top, I saw the
• 5:14:16
  Speaker 1: whole country. It was a wide plain, with towns and
• 5:14:20
  Speaker 1: villages burning. I cannot yet relate everything, because it isn't
• 5:14:23
  Speaker 1: all quite clear to me. Do you interpret the dream
• 5:14:26
  Speaker 1: as affecting you, I asked me. Naturally, No one dreams
• 5:14:32
  Speaker 1: of what does not concern him, But it does not
• 5:14:35
  Speaker 1: concern me alone. You are right. I distinguished tolerably well
• 5:14:39
  Speaker 1: between the dreams which indicate agitation of my own soul
• 5:14:43
  Speaker 1: and the others, the rare ones which bear on the
• 5:14:46
  Speaker 1: fate of all humanity. I have seldom had such dreams,
• 5:14:50
  Speaker 1: and never one of which I can say that it
• 5:14:53
  Speaker 1: was a prophecy, and that it has been fulfilled. The
• 5:14:57
  Speaker 1: interpretations are too uncertain. But this I know for a certainty.
• 5:15:01
  Speaker 1: I have dreamed of something which does not concern me alone,
• 5:15:05
  Speaker 1: for the dream belongs to others, former ones I have had.
• 5:15:09
  Speaker 1: This is the continuation. These are the dreams, Sinclair, in
• 5:15:13
  Speaker 1: which I had the premonitions which I have already mentioned
• 5:15:16
  Speaker 1: to you. We know that the world is absolutely rotten,
• 5:15:20
  Speaker 1: but that is no reason to prophesy as ruin, or
• 5:15:23
  Speaker 1: to make a prophecy of a like nature. But for
• 5:15:26
  Speaker 1: several years past I have had dreams from which I conclude,
• 5:15:30
  Speaker 1: or feel, or what you will, which then give me
• 5:15:33
  Speaker 1: the feeling that the break up of an old world
• 5:15:36
  Speaker 1: is drawing near. At first they were simply faint presentiments,
• 5:15:41
  Speaker 1: but since they have become more and more significant. Even
• 5:15:45
  Speaker 1: now I know nothing more than that something big and
• 5:15:48
  Speaker 1: terrible is approaching, which will concern me. Sinclair, we shall
• 5:15:52
  Speaker 1: go through the experiences of which we have so often talked.
• 5:15:56
  Speaker 1: The world is about to renew itself. Its smacks of death.
• 5:16:00
  Speaker 1: Nothing new comes without death. It is more terrible than
• 5:16:04
  Speaker 1: I had thought. Frightened, I looked at him fixedly. Can't
• 5:16:09
  Speaker 1: you tell me the rest of your dream? I begged timidly.
• 5:16:12
  Speaker 1: He shook his head. No. The door opened, and Mother
• 5:16:16
  Speaker 1: Eve entered. There you are sitting together, children. I hope
• 5:16:21
  Speaker 1: you aren't sad. She looked fresh, her fatigue had quite vanished.
• 5:16:26
  Speaker 1: Damien smiled at her. She came to us as a
• 5:16:28
  Speaker 1: mother comes to frightened children. We aren't sad, Mother. We
• 5:16:33
  Speaker 1: were simply trying to solve the riddle of these new signs.
• 5:16:36
  Speaker 1: But that is of no importance. What is to come
• 5:16:38
  Speaker 1: will be here all of a sudden, and then we
• 5:16:41
  Speaker 1: shall learn what we need to know. But I did
• 5:16:44
  Speaker 1: not feel happy when I said good bye and went
• 5:16:47
  Speaker 1: down alone through the hall. I felt that the hyacinths
• 5:16:50
  Speaker 1: were faded and withered, reminding me of corpses. A shadow
• 5:16:55
  Speaker 1: had fallen over us. End of chapter seven, Mother Eve.
• 5:17:03
  Speaker 1: Beginning of the end. It had been decided that I
• 5:17:08
  Speaker 1: should remain in h for the summer semester. Instead of
• 5:17:12
  Speaker 1: staying in the house, we were almost always in the
• 5:17:14
  Speaker 1: garden by the river. The Japanese, who by the way,
• 5:17:18
  Speaker 1: had been thoroughly beaten in the boxing match, was away,
• 5:17:22
  Speaker 1: and the disciple of Tolstoy was also missing. Damien had
• 5:17:26
  Speaker 1: procured a horse and went for long rides. Every day,
• 5:17:30
  Speaker 1: I was often alone with his mother. Sometimes I wondered
• 5:17:33
  Speaker 1: greatly at the peaceableness of my life. I had been
• 5:17:37
  Speaker 1: so long accustomed to being alone, to practice renunciation, to
• 5:17:42
  Speaker 1: fight toilfully my battles, that these months in Ah seemed
• 5:17:46
  Speaker 1: to me like a time passed on a dream island
• 5:17:49
  Speaker 1: where I might live tranquility in beautiful, enchanted surroundings. I
• 5:17:54
  Speaker 1: felt like this was a foretaste of that new higher
• 5:17:57
  Speaker 1: community on which we meditated. And now and then I
• 5:18:01
  Speaker 1: was seized by a deep feeling of sadness, for I
• 5:18:04
  Speaker 1: knew that this happiness could not last. I was not
• 5:18:08
  Speaker 1: destined to breathe in the fullness of peace and comfort.
• 5:18:11
  Speaker 1: I needed torment to spur me on. I felt that
• 5:18:15
  Speaker 1: one day I should wake up from these dreams of
• 5:18:17
  Speaker 1: beautiful love pictures to find myself standing once more alone
• 5:18:22
  Speaker 1: in the cold world of others, where for me there
• 5:18:25
  Speaker 1: would be only loneliness and fighting, no peace, no community
• 5:18:29
  Speaker 1: of spirit. Then I yielded myself to the charms of
• 5:18:33
  Speaker 1: Mother Eve's presence. My feeling for her was now doubly tender.
• 5:18:38
  Speaker 1: I was glad that my fate bore still these beautiful,
• 5:18:41
  Speaker 1: tranquil features. The summer weeks passed quickly and easily. Already
• 5:18:47
  Speaker 1: the semester was drawing to a close. Leave taking was near.
• 5:18:51
  Speaker 1: I dared not think of it, and did not, but
• 5:18:53
  Speaker 1: clung to the beautiful days like a butterfly to a
• 5:18:56
  Speaker 1: honeyed flower. That was my period of happiness, the first
• 5:19:01
  Speaker 1: fulfillment of my life's wishes, and my reception into the league.
• 5:19:06
  Speaker 1: What was to come next? I would again have to
• 5:19:10
  Speaker 1: fight my battles, be consumed by longing, have dreams, be alone.
• 5:19:16
  Speaker 1: At this time, the feeling, the foretaste of separation came
• 5:19:20
  Speaker 1: over me so strongly that my love for mother Eve
• 5:19:23
  Speaker 1: blazed up, suddenly, causing me pain. My God, how soon
• 5:19:28
  Speaker 1: would the time come to say good bye? And I
• 5:19:30
  Speaker 1: should see her no more, no more hear her firm
• 5:19:34
  Speaker 1: step in the house, should find no more her flowers
• 5:19:37
  Speaker 1: on my table? And what had I attained? I had
• 5:19:41
  Speaker 1: dreamed and had lulled myself in comfort, instead of winning her,
• 5:19:46
  Speaker 1: instead of fighting for her and drawing her to me
• 5:19:49
  Speaker 1: for always. All that she had said to me about
• 5:19:52
  Speaker 1: genuine love crossed my mind. Hundreds of fine suggestive words,
• 5:19:58
  Speaker 1: a hundred tender invitations, promises perhaps, and what had I
• 5:20:02
  Speaker 1: made of them, nothing nothing. I took up a position
• 5:20:07
  Speaker 1: in the middle of my room, collected my whole conscious
• 5:20:11
  Speaker 1: self together, and thought of Eve. I wished to concentrate
• 5:20:15
  Speaker 1: the forces of my soul in order to let her
• 5:20:17
  Speaker 1: feel my love, in order to draw her to me.
• 5:20:21
  Speaker 1: She was to come longing for my embrace. My kisses
• 5:20:25
  Speaker 1: were to suck insatiably the ripe fruit of her lips.
• 5:20:30
  Speaker 1: I stood tense until fingers and feet became stiff with cold.
• 5:20:35
  Speaker 1: I felt force was going out of me. For a
• 5:20:38
  Speaker 1: few seconds, something seemed to take shape with me, something
• 5:20:42
  Speaker 1: bright and cool. I had, for a moment the sensation
• 5:20:46
  Speaker 1: as if I carried a crystal in my heart, and
• 5:20:49
  Speaker 1: I knew that was myself. A cold chill pierced to
• 5:20:54
  Speaker 1: my heart. As I woke out of my fearful state
• 5:20:57
  Speaker 1: of tension, I felt something was a pro I was
• 5:21:01
  Speaker 1: exhausted to the point of death, but I was prepared
• 5:21:04
  Speaker 1: to see Eve step into the room, burning with passion. Ravished.
• 5:21:10
  Speaker 1: The sound of horses hoofs clattering down the long street
• 5:21:13
  Speaker 1: rang nearer and nearer, then suddenly ceased. I sprang to
• 5:21:17
  Speaker 1: the window below. Damien was dismounting, what is the matter, Damien,
• 5:21:23
  Speaker 1: nothing can have happened to your mother. He did not
• 5:21:26
  Speaker 1: listen to my words. He was very pale, and perspiration
• 5:21:30
  Speaker 1: ran down both sides of his forehead, over his cheeks.
• 5:21:34
  Speaker 1: His horse was flecked with foam. He tied the reins
• 5:21:38
  Speaker 1: to the garden fence. Then he took my arm and
• 5:21:40
  Speaker 1: walked with me down the street. Have you already heard
• 5:21:44
  Speaker 1: the news? I had heard nothing. Damien pressed my arm
• 5:21:49
  Speaker 1: and turned his face to me with a dark, compassionate,
• 5:21:52
  Speaker 1: singular look. Yes, old man, now we're in for it.
• 5:21:57
  Speaker 1: You know of the strained relations with Russia. What is
• 5:22:01
  Speaker 1: it war? I had never believed it, he spoke in
• 5:22:05
  Speaker 1: an undertone, although no one was near. It is not
• 5:22:09
  Speaker 1: yet declared, but its war rely on it. I haven't
• 5:22:13
  Speaker 1: worried you lately, but I have seen three new omens since.
• 5:22:17
  Speaker 1: It will be no foundering of the world, no earthquake,
• 5:22:21
  Speaker 1: no revolution. Its war. You will see how that strikes everybody.
• 5:22:26
  Speaker 1: It will be a joy to people. Everyone already rejoices
• 5:22:30
  Speaker 1: that hostilities are about to commence. So insipid has life
• 5:22:34
  Speaker 1: become for them. But you will see now, Sinclair, that
• 5:22:38
  Speaker 1: it is only the beginning. This will perhaps be a
• 5:22:41
  Speaker 1: great war, a very great war. The new dispensation commences,
• 5:22:46
  Speaker 1: and for those who adhere to the old, the new
• 5:22:48
  Speaker 1: will be terrible. What will you do? I was perplexed.
• 5:22:54
  Speaker 1: Everything sounded so strange and improbable. I don't know. And
• 5:22:59
  Speaker 1: ye you, he shrugged his shoulders. As soon as mobilization
• 5:23:05
  Speaker 1: orders are out, I join up. I am a lieutenant. You.
• 5:23:10
  Speaker 1: I had no idea of that. Yes, it was one
• 5:23:14
  Speaker 1: of my adaptations. You know. I have never wanted to
• 5:23:17
  Speaker 1: appear out of the ordinary, and have rather done too
• 5:23:19
  Speaker 1: much in order to be correct, to do the right thing.
• 5:23:23
  Speaker 1: In eight days, I think I shall be already in
• 5:23:26
  Speaker 1: the field. For good's sake. Look here, old fellow. You
• 5:23:30
  Speaker 1: mustn't take things so sentimentally. At bottom, it certainly won't
• 5:23:34
  Speaker 1: give me pleasure to order machine gun fire to be
• 5:23:37
  Speaker 1: turned on living creatures, but that is a secondary matter.
• 5:23:41
  Speaker 1: Now each one of us will be seized by the
• 5:23:43
  Speaker 1: great wheel of fate. You as well, You will certainly
• 5:23:47
  Speaker 1: be called up, and your mother Damien. Then for the
• 5:23:52
  Speaker 1: first time I recollected what I was doing a quarter
• 5:23:55
  Speaker 1: of an hour before, how the world had changed. I
• 5:23:59
  Speaker 1: had summoned together all my force in order to conjure
• 5:24:02
  Speaker 1: up the sweetest picture, and now fate had suddenly put
• 5:24:06
  Speaker 1: on a new horrible mask. My mother, we need have
• 5:24:10
  Speaker 1: no cares for her safety. She is safe, safer than
• 5:24:14
  Speaker 1: any one else in the world to day. You love
• 5:24:17
  Speaker 1: her so very much. You knew it, Damien, He laughed
• 5:24:21
  Speaker 1: brightly and without any embarrassment. You child, naturally, I knew it.
• 5:24:26
  Speaker 1: No one has yet called my mother Mother Eve without
• 5:24:29
  Speaker 1: loving her. By the way, how was that you have
• 5:24:33
  Speaker 1: called to either her or myself to day, haven't you? Yes?
• 5:24:37
  Speaker 1: I called, I called to Mother Eve. She felt it.
• 5:24:41
  Speaker 1: She suddenly sent me away. I was to come to you.
• 5:24:45
  Speaker 1: I had just told her the news about Russia. We
• 5:24:49
  Speaker 1: turned back, scarcely speaking. He untied his horse and mounted.
• 5:24:54
  Speaker 1: I first realized in my room how exhausted I was
• 5:24:57
  Speaker 1: by Damien's message, and even more or so by my
• 5:25:00
  Speaker 1: previous spiritual exertions. But Mother Eve had heard me, my
• 5:25:05
  Speaker 1: thoughts had reached her. She would have come herself. If
• 5:25:09
  Speaker 1: Oh how wonderful all this was, and how beautiful now
• 5:25:13
  Speaker 1: it was to be war? Now what we had so
• 5:25:16
  Speaker 1: often spoken of was about to happen, and Damien had
• 5:25:20
  Speaker 1: known so much in advance. How strange that the world's
• 5:25:24
  Speaker 1: stream would no longer flow somewhere or other by us,
• 5:25:27
  Speaker 1: That now it was suddenly flowing through us, that fate
• 5:25:30
  Speaker 1: an adventure called us, and that now or soon the
• 5:25:34
  Speaker 1: moment would come when the world would need us, when
• 5:25:37
  Speaker 1: it would be transformed. Damien was right. One should not
• 5:25:41
  Speaker 1: be sentimental over it. Only it was strange that I
• 5:25:45
  Speaker 1: was now to experience that lonely thing fate with so many,
• 5:25:50
  Speaker 1: with the whole world good. Then I was ready. In
• 5:25:55
  Speaker 1: the evening, when I went through the town, every corner
• 5:25:58
  Speaker 1: was alive with bustle and excitement, everywhere the word war.
• 5:26:03
  Speaker 1: I went to Mother Eve's house. We had supper in
• 5:26:06
  Speaker 1: the summer house. I was the only guest. No one
• 5:26:10
  Speaker 1: spoke a word about the war. But later, shortly before
• 5:26:14
  Speaker 1: I left, Mother Eve said, dear Sainclair, you called me
• 5:26:18
  Speaker 1: to day. You know why I didn't come myself. But
• 5:26:22
  Speaker 1: don't forget. You know the call now, and if ever
• 5:26:25
  Speaker 1: you need someone who bears the sign, call me again.
• 5:26:30
  Speaker 1: She rose and went out through the gloaming into the garden.
• 5:26:34
  Speaker 1: Tall and queenly invested with mystery, she stepped between the trees.
• 5:26:39
  Speaker 1: The foliage ceased its whispering at her approach, and over
• 5:26:43
  Speaker 1: her head glimmered tenderly the many stars. I am coming
• 5:26:49
  Speaker 1: to the end. Events marched quickly. War was declared. Damien,
• 5:26:54
  Speaker 1: who looked strange in uniform with a silver gray cloak,
• 5:26:58
  Speaker 1: went away. I brought his mother home soon after. I
• 5:27:02
  Speaker 1: also said good bye to her. She kissed me on
• 5:27:05
  Speaker 1: the lips and held me a moment on her breast,
• 5:27:08
  Speaker 1: and her large eyes burned steadily close to mine. And
• 5:27:12
  Speaker 1: all men were like brothers. They had in mind their
• 5:27:16
  Speaker 1: country and their honor, but it was fate. They peeped
• 5:27:20
  Speaker 1: for a moment into the unveiled face. Young men came
• 5:27:24
  Speaker 1: out of barracks, stepped into trains, and on many a
• 5:27:27
  Speaker 1: face I saw a sign not ours, a beautiful and
• 5:27:31
  Speaker 1: dignified sign signifying love and death. I as well, was
• 5:27:36
  Speaker 1: embraced by people I had never seen before. I understood
• 5:27:40
  Speaker 1: and responded gladly. It was an atmosphere of intoxication in
• 5:27:44
  Speaker 1: which they moved, not that of a fated will. But
• 5:27:48
  Speaker 1: the intoxication was sacred. It was due to the fact
• 5:27:51
  Speaker 1: that they had all looked into the rousing eyes of destiny.
• 5:27:57
  Speaker 1: It was already nearly winter when I went to the
• 5:27:59
  Speaker 1: front at first, in spite of the sensation of the bombardment,
• 5:28:04
  Speaker 1: I was disappointed with everything. Formerly I had often wondered
• 5:28:08
  Speaker 1: why people so seldom were able to live for an ideal.
• 5:28:12
  Speaker 1: Now I saw that many, yes all, men are capable
• 5:28:16
  Speaker 1: of dying for an ideal, provided that such an ideal
• 5:28:19
  Speaker 1: is not personal, not chosen of their own free will.
• 5:28:24
  Speaker 1: For them, it had to be an ideal accepted by
• 5:28:27
  Speaker 1: and common to a great number. But with time I
• 5:28:31
  Speaker 1: saw that I had underestimated men. Although service and a
• 5:28:36
  Speaker 1: common danger renders them uniform, I saw many living and
• 5:28:40
  Speaker 1: dying approach fate magnificently, not only in an attack, but
• 5:28:45
  Speaker 1: the whole time. Many, very many of them had a fixed,
• 5:28:49
  Speaker 1: far away look, rather like that of a person possessed,
• 5:28:53
  Speaker 1: a look which indicates entire ignorance of the end pursued,
• 5:28:57
  Speaker 1: and a complete surrender of self to the unknown. No
• 5:29:02
  Speaker 1: matter what they might believe and think they were ready,
• 5:29:05
  Speaker 1: they were there in case of need. Out of them
• 5:29:08
  Speaker 1: would the future be formed. And however strongly, the world's
• 5:29:12
  Speaker 1: attention appeared to be focused on war and heroic deeds,
• 5:29:15
  Speaker 1: on honor, and other old ideals, however distantly and unnaturally,
• 5:29:21
  Speaker 1: saying the voices of humanity. All this was merely the surface,
• 5:29:25
  Speaker 1: just as the question with regard to the foreign and
• 5:29:28
  Speaker 1: political aims of the war was superficial. Deep down below
• 5:29:34
  Speaker 1: the surface of human affairs, something was in process of forming,
• 5:29:38
  Speaker 1: something which might be a new order of humanity. For
• 5:29:42
  Speaker 1: I could see many, many such died at my side,
• 5:29:46
  Speaker 1: to whom the understanding was brought home that hate and rage,
• 5:29:50
  Speaker 1: murder and destruction had no connection with the real object
• 5:29:54
  Speaker 1: of the war. No, the object, just as the aims
• 5:29:58
  Speaker 1: in view, was purely a matter of chance. Their deepest
• 5:30:03
  Speaker 1: and most primitive feelings, even their wildest instincts, were not
• 5:30:07
  Speaker 1: actually directed against the enemy. Their murderous and bloody work
• 5:30:11
  Speaker 1: was an expression of their own inner being, of their
• 5:30:14
  Speaker 1: cleft soul, which wished to rave and kill, to destroy
• 5:30:19
  Speaker 1: and die in order to be able to be born
• 5:30:21
  Speaker 1: anew A giant bird was fighting its way out of
• 5:30:25
  Speaker 1: the egg, and the egg was the world, and the
• 5:30:29
  Speaker 1: world had to go to Ruin. One night in early spring,
• 5:30:34
  Speaker 1: I was doing sentry duty in front of a farm
• 5:30:36
  Speaker 1: we had occupied. The wind was blowing in fitful gusts,
• 5:30:41
  Speaker 1: shrieking and moaning according to the vagaries of its mood.
• 5:30:45
  Speaker 1: Over the high Flanders sky rode an army of clouds.
• 5:30:48
  Speaker 1: Somewhere or other behind was a suspicion of Moon. I
• 5:30:53
  Speaker 1: had been restless throughout the whole of that day, troubled
• 5:30:56
  Speaker 1: by cares which I could not precisely define. Now, at
• 5:31:00
  Speaker 1: my dark post, I thought with fervor of the picture
• 5:31:04
  Speaker 1: of my life up to that time, of Mother Eve
• 5:31:08
  Speaker 1: of Damien. I stood leaning against a poplar, staring into
• 5:31:12
  Speaker 1: the agitated sky, the mysterious, quivering brightness of which soon
• 5:31:17
  Speaker 1: resolved itself into a series of pictures. I felt, by
• 5:31:21
  Speaker 1: the odd slowness of my pulse, by the insensibility of
• 5:31:25
  Speaker 1: my skin to wind and rain, by the lively wakefulness
• 5:31:29
  Speaker 1: of my inner being, that a guide was near me.
• 5:31:34
  Speaker 1: In the clouds a large city could be seen, out
• 5:31:37
  Speaker 1: of which millions of men were streaming, spreading in swarms
• 5:31:41
  Speaker 1: over the broad countryside. In the very midst there appeared
• 5:31:45
  Speaker 1: the mighty figure of a god, as big as a mountain,
• 5:31:49
  Speaker 1: with glittering stars in its hair, and with the features
• 5:31:53
  Speaker 1: of Mother Eve. Into it disappeared the processions of men
• 5:31:58
  Speaker 1: as into a gigantic care and were lost to view.
• 5:32:03
  Speaker 1: The goddess shrank down on the ground. A sign on
• 5:32:06
  Speaker 1: her forehead glittered brightly. She seemed to be under the
• 5:32:09
  Speaker 1: influence of a dream. She closed her eyes, and her
• 5:32:13
  Speaker 1: large features were twisted in pain. Suddenly she cried out,
• 5:32:18
  Speaker 1: and out of her forehead sprang stars, which hurried into
• 5:32:21
  Speaker 1: lovely arcs and half circles over the black sky. One
• 5:32:26
  Speaker 1: of the stars rushed noisily through the air to meet me,
• 5:32:29
  Speaker 1: as if seeking me out with a crash. It burst
• 5:32:32
  Speaker 1: into a thousand sparks, lifting me off my feet and
• 5:32:35
  Speaker 1: hurling me on to the ground. The world broke up
• 5:32:38
  Speaker 1: thunderously about me. They found me close to the poplar,
• 5:32:44
  Speaker 1: covered with earth and wounded in several places. I lay
• 5:32:48
  Speaker 1: in the cellar. Guns growled and rumbled overhead. I lay
• 5:32:52
  Speaker 1: in a cart and was jolted over empty fields. For
• 5:32:56
  Speaker 1: the most part I was either asleep or unconscious. But
• 5:32:59
  Speaker 1: the more deeply I slept, the more strongly I felt
• 5:33:02
  Speaker 1: I was being drawn, that I followed at the will
• 5:33:05
  Speaker 1: of a force over which I was not master. I
• 5:33:10
  Speaker 1: lay on straw in a stable. It was dark. Some
• 5:33:13
  Speaker 1: one trod on my hand, but my inner self willed
• 5:33:17
  Speaker 1: to go further. The mysterious force drew me on again.
• 5:33:21
  Speaker 1: I lay in a cart, and later on a stretcher.
• 5:33:25
  Speaker 1: Even more strongly, I felt in me the command to
• 5:33:27
  Speaker 1: go forward. I was conscious only of the pressure, the
• 5:33:31
  Speaker 1: force which seemed to be controlling my journeying thus from
• 5:33:34
  Speaker 1: place to place. At last I was there. It was night.
• 5:33:40
  Speaker 1: I was fully conscious, and I felt strongly the secret
• 5:33:43
  Speaker 1: attraction and power which had brought me to that place.
• 5:33:47
  Speaker 1: Now I was lying in a room on a bed
• 5:33:50
  Speaker 1: made up on the floor. I felt I had arrived
• 5:33:53
  Speaker 1: at the place to which I had been called. I
• 5:33:56
  Speaker 1: glanced around. Close to my mattress was another on which
• 5:33:59
  Speaker 1: some one was lying, someone who bent over and looked
• 5:34:03
  Speaker 1: at me. It was Max Damion. I could not speak,
• 5:34:09
  Speaker 1: and he either could not or would not. He only
• 5:34:12
  Speaker 1: looked at me. A lamp which hung over him on
• 5:34:16
  Speaker 1: a wall cast a light on his face. He smiled
• 5:34:19
  Speaker 1: at me for what seemed an immeasurably long time. He
• 5:34:23
  Speaker 1: gazed unwaveringly into my eyes. Slowly he inclined his face
• 5:34:29
  Speaker 1: towards me, until we almost touched sinclair. He said in
• 5:34:35
  Speaker 1: a whisper. I signaled to him with my eyes that
• 5:34:40
  Speaker 1: I understood him. He smiled again, almost as if in compassion.
• 5:34:45
  Speaker 1: Little one, he said, smiling. His mouth lay now quite
• 5:34:50
  Speaker 1: close to mine. Softly, he continued to speak. Can you
• 5:34:54
  Speaker 1: still remember Frank Cromer? He asked. I winked at him
• 5:34:59
  Speaker 1: and could even manage a smile, Sinclair, old man, listen,
• 5:35:05
  Speaker 1: I shall have to go away. Perhaps you will need
• 5:35:08
  Speaker 1: me once again on account of Cromer or something. When
• 5:35:13
  Speaker 1: you call me, I shall not come riding on a
• 5:35:15
  Speaker 1: horse or in a train. You must hearken to the
• 5:35:19
  Speaker 1: voice inside you. Then you will notice it is I
• 5:35:23
  Speaker 1: that I am in you. Do you understand? And one
• 5:35:28
  Speaker 1: other thing. Mother Eve said that if you ever were ill,
• 5:35:32
  Speaker 1: I was to give you a kiss from her, which
• 5:35:35
  Speaker 1: she gave me. Close your eyes, Sinclair. I obediently closed
• 5:35:41
  Speaker 1: my eyes. I felt a light kiss on my lips,
• 5:35:44
  Speaker 1: on which there was a trace of blood, which never
• 5:35:47
  Speaker 1: seemed to stop flowing. And then I fell asleep. In
• 5:35:53
  Speaker 1: the morning, I was awakened to have my wounds dressed.
• 5:35:56
  Speaker 1: When at last I was properly awake, I turned quickly
• 5:35:59
  Speaker 1: to the mattress by my side. A stranger lay upon it,
• 5:36:03
  Speaker 1: a man on whom I had never before set eyes.
• 5:36:07
  Speaker 1: The bandaging hurt me. All that has happened to me
• 5:36:11
  Speaker 1: since hurt me. But my soul is like a mysterious
• 5:36:15
  Speaker 1: locked house. And when I find the key and step
• 5:36:18
  Speaker 1: right down into myself, to where the pictures painted by
• 5:36:21
  Speaker 1: my destiny seem reflected on the dark mirror of my soul,
• 5:36:25
  Speaker 1: then I neat only stoop towards the black mirror and
• 5:36:29
  Speaker 1: see my own picture, which now completely resembles him, my
• 5:36:34
  Speaker 1: guide and friend. This ends Damien vy Hermann Hesse