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210 - A Message to the "You Just Wait" People · Getting After It

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait till you have kids.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait until you're trying to train for an ultramarathon on four hours of sleep a night.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck getting to the gym once that baby comes.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your entire routine is gonna change.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you can kiss your training and podcasting goodbye.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: You'll eventually get the dad bod.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: And my personal favorite, one that I've heard in different forms since getting married, that is you just wait till the honeymoon phase is over.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell is wrong with us?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm serious.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is wrong with our society?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Where whenever someone is about to experience something incredibly beautiful in life, there always seems to be someone standing nearby telling them how miserable it's gonna be.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: That is what we're talking about today.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um this is something that I've been thinking about a lot, and as you know, if you're a fan of the show, if you listen at all, this comes out quite a bit because I do not like this type of mindset.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like it when I hear people talking like this, and um it just bothers me so much.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I recently became a dad.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Winston is six weeks old, so it's been nothing but amazing.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I do not, I'm not lying, like there have been hard times, yeah.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But the whole experience has been amazing, absolutely phenomenal.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why like when I hear these people say, like, okay, well, you just wait until X.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel like, and this might be completely wrong, but I feel like that is them expressing or mirroring their experience onto you, basically saying, like, you're gonna have the same experience as me.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it seems like, but you know, back to the point where whenever something beautiful happens, people start saying these things.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when someone gets engaged, people start making jokes about how, hey, marriage is gonna end your freedom, or someone announces that they're having a baby, and suddenly everyone wants to tell them how little sleep they're gonna get.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And let's say you also, a young couple, they buy a house for the first time and they're so excited about it, there's gonna be someone who's like, oh man, everything is gonna break.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just wait until that happens.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it, like sometimes they're joking.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh baby, you thought I was gonna forget this?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, sometimes I mean, I think they are joking, and sometimes they're trying to prepare you for something they've experienced themselves, which I think is fair.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I've been thinking about it a lot since becoming a father, and I think we've developed a pretty unfortunate habit of treating some of life's greatest blessings like their burdens were supposed to endure.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before someone gets upset in the comments, uh, I need to clarify something.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting that marriage is easy.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am certainly not suggesting that being a parent and raising a child is easy.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: My son is six weeks old, so I have not figured out fatherhood.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna pretend I have, because I don't.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it I don't know all about fatherhood yet, but I mean I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing half the time.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between acknowledging that something is difficult and convincing someone that they're destined to be miserable.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Two very different things, and I think far too many people have confused the two.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, six weeks ago, my wife Allie gave birth to our son, and these past six weeks have been some of the most meaningful weeks of my entire life.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have I been tired?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, of course I have been.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Have my schedule changed?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Without a doubt.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Have there been moments where Winston's crying and Allie and I are both looking at each other like, what are we supposed to do?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:07
  unknown: Yeah.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Simply put, yes, absolutely.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what else has happened though?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've experienced a kind of love that I don't I didn't know that I was capable of feeling.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've watched my wife become a mother, and somehow I've fallen even more in love with her.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Watching the woman who I I said, hey, let's let's spend our entire lives together.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: The person who I love the most become someone who is raising the child I love the most.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's an it's an experience I I don't think I'm worthy of a lot of like it feels like that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I don't think that I should be the one who's in my situation.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I I don't mean that literally.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just feel incredibly, incredibly grateful and blessed.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also become more focused on my goals, like more aware of how I spend my time.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've had to be intentional.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to uh the last podcast that Braden Jason and I came out with, that was a big that was a big topic was intentionality with your time.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I am more motivated to become a kind of man that I want my son to look up to.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And despite all those warnings that people have been saying about how my running would suffer, and I won't be able to achieve the goals that I I I have in front of me.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've run about 290 miles within the past six weeks, and that's since Winston's been born.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Has it been hard?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: There have been times where I've gone out on a run on four hours of sleep.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is, and I wanted to prove this to myself before coming on a podcast and talking about this in general as a topic that I'm very passionate about.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to prove it to myself first, to say, okay, well, maybe, just maybe, the you just wait people have a valid argument.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I put it to the test.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I got within three weeks, three weeks since Winston was born.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I guess no, sorry, every week, up until three weeks, that he was born, I ran 50 mile weeks.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the next weeks it was around like 45 to 40 miles, but I lifted three times a week, and now I'm back up to 54 miles for the entire week.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is some of the best running that I've done in my life.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So when I hear people say that having children means that your ambitions are over or that your marriage is going to become miserable, I have a hard time accepting that because that hasn't been my experience.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about becoming a father and the things that nobody could have prepared me for, like the changes that I've had to make and why I think our expectations have such a powerful influence on their lives that we end up living.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And to the people who can't seem to stop telling everyone else how difficult their future is gonna be, I have a message for you.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's time we started telling people how good things are gonna be.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what I'm I've taken away from these past six weeks.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And marriage in general, too.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like everyone says, oh yeah, you just wait till the honeymoon phase is over.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Bitch, it hasn't ended.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I haven't married someone who I I don't like.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I married someone who I was obsessed with, and I do everything I can to make sure that our relationship is strong.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I talk to her, I help her, I serve her, and I go on dates with her.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always dating my wife, and that's the thing, like we forget a lot of the times.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, you're married, but you still need to date your wife, you still need to take them out and take care of them and and be the man that they need to be, that they thought that they were gonna marry when they were, you know, 10 years old.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Be that man, it's not that hard.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I want to start talking about like the things that nobody could have prepared me for.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna go back to the day that Winston was born because I think about that day all the time.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most life-changing events of my entire life.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not putting that lightly.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It literally changed my life the day that he was born.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's certain experiences that people can prepare for intellectually, but you can't really understand them until you've lived through them.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Running a marathon is one of those experiences.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can read books about marathons, you can listen to people describe the pain that uh the last six miles usually brings to people, or you can watch like videos of people crossing the finish line, but until you've actually run 26.2 miles, you don't fully understand what that experience feels like.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And becoming a father has been very similar, although on an entirely different level.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, a marathon's great, achieving that goal and that distance is amazing, but it is just not even compared, doesn't even come close to the to my experience with becoming a father.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: So um before Winston was born, people would tell me how incredible it was going to be, and I believed them.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was excited, uh, I wanted to be dead, I I have my entire life, and I could not wait to meet my son.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't understand, not really, like I didn't understand what it would feel like to watch Allie bring our child into the world.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've always loved and admired my wife.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: She's an incredible woman, she's strong, she's intelligent, she's someone I feel incredibly fortunate to share my life with.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: But watching her give birth changed something in me.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult to put into words.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Although I can say this women make men look like babies.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like we they we look like wimps compared to women because seeing what she did, man, I admire her even more.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But there I was in this hospital room, watching the person I love more than anyone in the world go through something that I I could never fully understand myself.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then after all those months of waiting, there he was, our son.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: A little boy who just moments earlier I had never seen face to face, and up like three years led up to this moment where I was infertile and I went and got treatment, and it just it was a struggle.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly he was one of the most important people of my life.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember holding him for the first time.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: I balled, I cried like a baby.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: When the doctor put Winston on Allie's chest right after he was born, she was talking to him, she had her arms around Winston, I had my my hand on Allie's shoulder and one on Winston's back, and I was just just the water works were going, just crying.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, looked like a baby.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was probably crying more than Winston, but anyways, like it was just life-changing, and I don't know how else to describe it other than saying that I felt an overwhelming amount of love.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was immediate, like there was wasn't some gradual process where I had to get to know him before I actually cared about him.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I loved him completely, and I waited nine months to meet this little boy.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I knew he was coming.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I tried preparing myself, but again, I couldn't fully prepare myself for experiencing this moment here.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was unbelievable.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And outside of my relationship with Allie, like I've never experienced anything quite like it, and that's something I've been thinking about a lot is how strange is it that another human being can enter your life and within seconds your entire understanding of love can expand.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent 29 years on this earth without knowing Winston, and now I can't imagine my life without him.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, think about that for a second.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: He's been in my life for six weeks.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot imagine my life without him.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a time where I didn't know my wife.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's a time where I didn't know my son, and now those two people are the center of my world.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a remarkable thing, and I wish more people talked about it because when Allie was pregnant, I heard plenty of things that I was supposedly going to lose, and that was sleep, free time, freedom, my ability to train, my routine.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And while some of that is true, the thing that I didn't hear people talk about very much was, hey, what am I about to gain?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what about watching the woman I love become a mother?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: What about holding my son for the first time?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: What about waking up in the middle of the night, changing his diaper, and burping him and then having him stare up at me with those big eyes?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody can really prepare you for those moments.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean that as a criticism of everyone who's offered advice.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, plenty of people have shared wonderful things, and it's just the negative warnings have a way of sticking out.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's really unfortunate.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because some of the most beautiful moments of my life happen during the exact circumstances people warn me would be miserable.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Take the middle of the night, for example.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, do I enjoy being waken up when I'm exhausted?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Of course not.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anybody does.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a human being and I like to sleep.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And especially when I train, like I need to recover.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: But there have been nights when I've gotten up to change Winston, and I'll look down on him, and he's just staring at me.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And for a moment, I'm not thinking about how tired I am.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking about how lucky I am.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking about the fact that this little boy is my son and that I am his dad.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That one day he's gonna be even bigger, and he's gonna be running around the house.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, he's gonna be old enough to have conversations with me, and someday he's gonna be an adult.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there will come a time where I can't pick him up like I can now.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And there will come a time where he doesn't need me to change his diaper at three in the morning, and then after I change his diaper, he poops again, and then I have to change him again, and then I calm him down, and then he poops again.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not gonna last forever.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And while I'm sure I'll appreciate sleeping through the night again, like I know that this stage of life is temporary, and it makes me sick to think about because I love this stage of life.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like just watching my son try these different things and learn and smile at me, like it's the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I'm so grateful that I'm I'm here where I am.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And um I'm not perfect, like of course, I still have a temper.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a human being, I still feel impatient at times.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, is like I I've had a different perspective where no longer am I really upset that I have to wake up and change his diaper.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Allie always jokes and says that like when I wake up and change his diaper or whatever, and he poops again, I don't get mad, I laugh because it's hilarious.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: This little kid, obviously, he doesn't know what's going on.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I get mad at him for that?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's hilarious to me that he's just like Mr.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Poops a lot and can't control himself.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, yeah, dad, I just you you changed me.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good now.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Bam, there's another one.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Change my diaper again.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's hilarious.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Little kid is literally runs my life.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: But um I'm gonna I want to switch subjects here because apparently my goals were supposed to disappear when I became a dad.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And uh the number of people who seemed convinced that I was gonna stop running is pretty amazing.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know why everyone.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's interesting.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, well, if you have goals and you're gonna be a dad, everyone kind of tries to make you feel disheartened.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: They try to discourage you from from going after different goals and ambitions.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, newsflash people, I started uh run streak today because my friends Braden and Jace, they both have done it, and it seems like an experience that I really want to try.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: But um for anyone who's listened to this podcast for a while, you know that running is very important to me.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've done marathons, ultras, and I've spent years building my endurance and working towards different goals.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Running has become a pretty meaningful part of my life.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I enjoyed the physical challenge, obviously, but I appreciate what it does for me mentally.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it gives me time to think, gives me an opportunity to practice discipline, and it reminds me that I can do difficult things even when I don't particularly feel like doing them.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when Allie and I found out that we were having Winston, I knew my schedule was going to change, and I was very nervous about this.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to make that part clear.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was actually kind of terrified because, like I said, it's such a good way for me mentally to escape and to think about things and to keep my body active and moving.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was nervous that if Winston came along, I didn't know what my life would look like or what my day-to-day schedule would look like, um, and if I was gonna be able to fit that in.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: But what I've learned is yes, you can fit it in.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: It takes communication with your wife.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you have to make sure that you're taking care of yourself as well, because if you just focus on running and you're going out and pushing yourself to the point to where you're exhausted and you can't show up for your family anymore, I think that's a negative.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't be doing that.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are just going out there, you're trying to be a good person, you're trying to push yourself a little bit, then that's okay.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that's good.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: It it m challenges you to be better.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um But like having a newborn, it does change your life.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: There are days when you're tired.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: There are days when your plans don't go uh as they are planned, they get interrupted.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: But why does that automatically mean you have to give up things that you care about?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why does becoming a father mean I should stop caring about myself?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or why should I suddenly abandon something that has made me healthier and a more disciplined person?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: This never made sense to me.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now, six weeks into fatherhood, is I can tell you that my experience has been almost the exact opposite of what people actually predicted.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I mean, like, it's interesting because there's there's a balance here.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: You should not be so focused on your goals that you forget about your family, but you shouldn't forget about your goals because you haven't a child.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my exper I don't know if this is everyone's experience, but I like I've been more motivated to do hard things.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um if you go back and listen to the last episode that I I did with Braden and Jace, Braden went on a great rant about not a rant, he just he gave almost like a motivational speech, if I'm being completely honest, about why he does these hard things and when what he wants his sons to learn from that.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um and he summed it up perfectly, but like I want Winston to look up to me and say, hey, like you push through when things were difficult.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I'm I'm pretty, you know, average when it comes to endurance sports.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm trying.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm doing my best, I'm putting it all out there, and I think that's what's important.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's the lesson that I want Winston to learn.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily, oh, dad ran, you know, this race or he he did the Moab 240, which that's I'm hoping to get there at some point.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I want him to care about.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to know that, like, okay, well, hey, that's what happens when life gets gets hard.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: You just focus on the next step.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: You just keep trying to move forward.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it's all about.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we become better people, that's how we um train ourselves to really understand what our what our limits are, what we're capable of.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um and now, like, I'm I'm sure there's people who are listening to this who think, that's great, Brett.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, your son is six weeks old.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: You have no idea what's coming.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you're right.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what Winston's gonna be like when he's six months or when he's two, and I don't know what challenges Allie and I are gonna face when he gets older.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not gonna pretend otherwise.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: There are parents listening to this who have raised children probably for 20 to 30 years, and you've experienced things that I haven't.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've dealt with problems I can't fully appreciate yet, and I respect that.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, these six weeks, yeah.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: They've they've been fast, and I haven't mastered fatherhood, but I I do respect parents a lot more than I I used to.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I find interesting, and it's the fact that I haven't experienced something yet.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I should assume it's going to be miserable.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I do that?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I spend the next several years of my life waiting for fatherhood to become something that I resent?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like that seems like a terrible way to approach something I care about so deeply.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and there there are difficult things about becoming a new father, but one of the biggest challenges for me has just been the uncertainty.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I like to know what I'm doing.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I like having a plan.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm training for a race, it's easy.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can build a schedule, I can track my mileage.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: But as a dad, it's just kind of like a guessing game a lot of the times.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, he's crying.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well does he need a diaper change?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh does he have a bubble?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need a burp him?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um is he hungry?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, great.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: We solved it.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um Is he tired?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's very few things that could be really going wrong right now in this stage with him.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the puzzle's a little easier to solve.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I know it's going to get more complex.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, is like I have learned that, you know, because I have no idea, that doesn't mean I'm a bad dad.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: It just means I'm trying to learn and adapt.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, thousands of people, millions of people have come before me in the same situation where they become dads for the first time.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure it was very similar for them too.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, there's probably people who read books to try and prepare, but no one's going to prepare you for the multiple diapers that you have to change at 3 a.m.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because you change it, they're clean, they poop again, and then they do that three more times.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: No one's going to prepare you for that.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I am now.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: So here you go.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: You heard it here first.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you're an expecting dad, that happens.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of fun.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you know, my goals as being a dad are to be present, to be patient, and I want someone like Winston, I want him to know that he can depend on me.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when I don't know what to do, it can be frustrating at times.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've started thinking recognizing things about myself that I want to change.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And though there are moments where you know my patience isn't what it should be, and there are times when I realize I need to do a better job at managing my emotions.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that's just parenthood, that's fatherhood.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I will get the hang of it, things will become easier over time.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but again, I'm not an expert, and like I always say, running is a great metaphor for life.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when you first start out running, it kind of feels that way too.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't really think that you're you you know it what's going on, everything is hard.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, your endurance isn't you know what you initially thought it was, but you get the hang of it over time, and then you run a half marathon, and then you run a marathon, and then you say, Hey, maybe I can do an ultra, or maybe I can go sub three, whatever it is.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can relate that to fatherhood because yeah, it does take time.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing I want to talk about is that you tend to see what you're looking for.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um I love the the thought uh exercise that Tony Robbins always gives, where he's like, Okay, close your eyes, and I want you to name everything that's red in the room or whatever it is.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like he says before, he's like, Okay, I want you to look for everything that's red, and then uh close your eyes, and then once their eyes are closed, he goes, Tell me everything that was brown, and then no one can answer because they were looking for red, right?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think life, a lot of the ways, not just fatherhood, is that same way.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think uh there's a deeper issue behind all these negative expectations, and it has to do with how we interpret the world around us.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things I've always appreciated about Stoicism is its emphasis on the judgments we make about our circumstances.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Marcus Aurelius writes in uh Meditations repeatedly uh that that specific line, that the judgments we make about our circumstances determine our outlook on life.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there are genuine hardships in life, there are things that hurt, there are experiences that change us in ways that we didn't choose.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I do believe that our interpretation of an experience can influence how we respond to it.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think fatherhood, or I think fatherhood is a good example, um, because just for this example, imagine two different fathers.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Both have newborn babies, both are exhausted, both get woken up at three in the morning because their child needs something.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: The first father gets out of bed and thinks, This is miserable.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: I never get to sleep anymore.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait till the stage is over.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: The second father gets out of bed and thinks, I'm exhausted, but I'm grateful I get to be here for my son.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to be clear, the second father isn't magically less tired.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't suddenly feel wonderful because he had a positive thought.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like he still might be irritated, he might still wish he could sleep for another three hours, but he's interpreting the experience differently.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: He's recognizing that there's meaning in what he's doing.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that matters.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you spend your life looking for reasons to be miserable, you're gonna find plenty of those reasons.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't have to look very hard.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: There will always be something that doesn't go according to plan, or something that you wish was easier, and there's gonna be responsibilities you'd rather not deal with that you have to, you have to face.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: But the same is true for good things in life.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there are opportunities to be grateful all around us, and sometimes we're so focused on what's frustrating that we that we fail to recognize what's in front of us.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: Psychologists have a a term called confirmation bias.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh essentially, we have a tendency to pay more attention to information that supports what we already believe.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this can become a uh a problem in relationships and in parenting.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you enter marriage believing that you're gonna lose your freedom or that it's inevitably gonna get miserable at some point, what happens when you and your spouse have a disagreement?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: That becomes true.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, everyone is right.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, marriage is miserable.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: We don't agree on something.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, you might interpret it as proof that everyone is right.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: And say, hey, the honeymoon phase is over, I really guess.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you entered marriage with a different expectation?
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: That the disagreements are going to happen, but they don't define your relationship, or that you continue falling in love with your spouse as you grow older together.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like you might approach the same different disagreement very differently.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's worth considering because Allie and I have been married for a little over three years now, and I love that woman more than anything in my like anything in my life.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: I love her more than when we got married.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean our marriage has been perfect.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: It hasn't.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: We've had disagreements and stressful moments, and the thing is, is we've learned how to communicate, and I don't look at negative experiences as evidence that marriage is getting worse.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: I look at them as part of the learning process on how I want to build a life with this person.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And now that we have Winston and I'm watching Allie be a mom, I'm seeing another side of the woman that I married, and it's making me love her even more.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: So when people talk about how the honeymoon phase it ends, uh as though, you know, the moment they started their marriage, their entire marriage was going downhill.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't understand why we accept that as a universal truth.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe the excitement of a new relationship changes.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, of course it does.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're with this person now all the time.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to experience every stage of marriage in exactly the same way, but why should that mean the best parts are behind you?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't the love you have for your spouse become deeper as you experience more life together?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just don't understand why we don't think that way.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, we try and find the things that can go wrong.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the same thing applies to being a dad.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, I get it.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of stress that comes with it.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel that pretty heavily.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be able to provide for my family.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be someone who they can rely on.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that means I'm gonna have to sacrifice some things.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean it's a negative experience.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Two very different things.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think our perception really changes how we interpret these things.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, my challenge is if you're feeling some negative thoughts, either in what whatever situation you are in your life, if you're a parent or it's uh a marriage thing or it's something happening at work, is there something you can do to reframe it?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: To stop looking for the negative and to try and focus on something else?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that really changes a lot, but um there's something else I I I like while I'm wrapping up here, um if there's anyone who's listening that is gonna be a parent, I want to leave you with this with something.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like a lot of the advice I got was yeah, you just wait.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: That was what people told me.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I waited, guys.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been nothing but phenomenal, and I wouldn't change a thing.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: I would not change it for anything in the world.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Allie and Winston, that is my world.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love them un like unconditionally.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: And for anyone who says, you know, that your marriage suffers or that you lose your ambition, I just don't agree with it.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what I want to tell someone who, you know, if if they are gonna be a parent, like, yes, your life is going to change.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can tell you that much.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your schedule is going to look different, you're going to have responsibilities that you didn't have before, you're probably going to be tired.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there will be moments when you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know that because I'm living through it right now, but please don't let other people convince you that those changes automatically mean your life is about to get worse.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let someone else's frustration become your expectation.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to people who have experience, learn from them, take their advice seriously when it's useful.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: But remember that you get to participate in shaping the life that you're building.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide how you're going to approach your responsibilities.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know what the next six months of fatherhood are going to look like for me.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the next six years will look like for me.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I certainly don't know what the next 20 years will bring.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm looking forward to finding out.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because if these six weeks have taught me anything, it's that there are experiences in life that are far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined before living through them.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope I never become the kind of person who forgets that.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I hope when Winston grows up and tells me he's getting married, I don't immediately start warning him about how difficult marriage is going to be.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I I tell him how much I've loved being married to his mother.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I tell him about the experiences that we've shared, uh, about the difficult times that we've worked through and become better people because of it.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope when Winston comes to me and he says, Dad, you're gonna be a grandpa, that I'm unbelievably excited for him, and that I tell him the joys that that come with fatherhood, some of the challenges that come with it, but the love that he's gonna feel for that kid.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope I tell him that fatherhood has been one of the greatest experiences of my life.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I know Winston is a little too young to listen to this, but if I had to tell him something, you know, he's six weeks old, he has no idea what a podcast is, and by the time he's old enough to understand any of this, I'm sure he'll have heard me talk about writing more than any anyone else, right?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe one day he's gonna listen to this episode.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if he does, I want him to know something.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: From the moment, Winston, from the moment you came into the world, your mom and I have loved you more than I can adequately explain.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: You have made my life better.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've made me want to become a better man.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that as you grow up, I'm going to make mistakes.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a dad, I'm a person.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: That happens.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: There will be times I don't get things right.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I promise you that I'm always going to keep trying.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to work on becoming the father that you deserve, and I'm going to do my best to be there for you.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that as you grow older, you'll approach life with curiosity and excitement and pursue things that matter to you, and have the courage to do difficult things.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you'll never let someone else's disappointment convince you that your own future has to be disappointing.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a lot of good in this world, Winston.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of worth looking forward to.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so excited to experience with experience it with you now.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else listening, hey, I appreciate you guys.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And to the people who are just getting married or married or expecting a child or preparing for some new chapter of life, one last thing to say to you.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's you just wait.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait and watch the person that you love become a parent.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or you just wait until you hold your child for the first time.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait until you experience the kind of love that makes you want to become a better person.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait until you look back at the life you've built and realize how much there was to be grateful for along the way.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: There are difficult days ahead.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can promise you that.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anything worthwhile in this life is not easy to get.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: But there are some pretty incredible ones ahead too.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you're looking forward to them.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: Those are just some things that have been on my mind.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that we should let other people's negative experiences impact our own.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: We need to live.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: We need to live our own lives.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, take advice where it makes sense, but just do you.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Getting after it is a big big piece of that.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean necessarily just doing physical activity.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Getting after it in every aspect of life.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can still get after it as in in fatherhood, in being a parent.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can try to be your best as much as you can.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do not let other people convince you that life is going to be miserable.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not always miserable.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's our expectations, it's it's how we interpret these things that make it so.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you could say the same thing with running, you could say the same thing with work or starting a business.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's going to be ups and downs.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you understand that, great.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're already ahead of everyone else.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when you get to the point to where you look back and you realize you're not the same person, that you've become better, you can look those people who say, you just wait in the face and say, I did.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: I waited.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm better for it.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: I got through.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: So next time you guys hear that, next time you hear someone say, you just wait, say, I want you to ask them.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: Just say, for what?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: What's what's gonna happen to me?
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then prove them wrong.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Prove them wrong, like I proved everyone wrong who said I wasn't gonna be able to run when Winston was born.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: 290 miles in six weeks, guys.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's not huge in the ultra world, but I've stayed consistent, and consistency is the biggest part.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, I appreciate you all for listening to this episode.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a little bit different of a topic, but uh, you know, my life is gonna change, it's gonna continue to change with Winston being here, and I'm gonna I'm gonna have different topics at times, and and fatherhood is probably gonna be one, it's gonna be a recurring one.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, anyways, I always appreciate you guys listening.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: And until next next episode, my friends, keep getting after it.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: You just wait.