Transcript

One and Done...? · Mommywood

0:01
Welcome to another episode of Mommy Would.
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I'm so happy that you're here. This is another solo episode and
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this one might be a little emotional and a little all over
0:12
the place, so bear with me. Come join me for the ride.
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This episode is all about do I have another kid or not?
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If you've been following me at all, you know that that is
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definitely a topic I've been struggling with.
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It's been on my mind a lot. And this episode, I'm just gonna
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kind of go through where my head is and hopefully somebody else
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can relate. If you're going through the same
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thing with even having one, like maybe you don't know if you want
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one, Maybe you don't know. I don't know, right.
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So, so let's just get it started.
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I think one of the things, OK, so like I feel let's talk about
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the difference between like 1 feels full.
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But is it final? You know, I feel it's a push and
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pull between contentment and curiosity.
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Like I'm very content with our family.
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I feel like we've been so lucky with May, but I am curious how
1:19
life would be with another one. But is curiosity enough?
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Also, what makes your family complete?
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What makes you feel like your family is complete?
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And I know that this is different for everyone.
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So it's kind of just figuring that out for yourself, which I
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know everyone has to do, but I'm bringing you along on this
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journey while I try to figure it out now.
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Also, another thing is the whole, you know, career versus
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clock thing. I think the reason it's been
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weighing on me so much is because I just turned 38.
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I know that's not old. I know it's not old.
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I know people have babies well into their 40s.
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But for some reason, I don't really know why, but I don't
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want to have one when I'm 40. And I don't really have to
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explain why I don't because I don't feel like I really have a
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valid reason. I just don't.
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So I feel like it's kind of at the point where it's like shit
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or get off the pot because you know, I don't know how long
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it'll take and if it'll happen. So it's kind of like now or
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never when it comes to clock my my clock.
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I think in terms of like career, though, that doesn't seem to
2:53
worry as me worry me as much. I think that is a bigger worry
3:00
when you're younger and like it seems farther off and you're
3:05
worried about like where you're going to be in your career at
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the point that you can have kids.
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I feel like since I've already had one and I know that I don't
3:13
have to stop my career or acting or or pursuing this, is that I
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feel like the whole career side of it doesn't scare me and
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that's not really a hindrance. So that's nice.
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However, the reality of living in Lai live in LA and it is not
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cheap. It's wildly expensive, and don't
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get me wrong, I think that pretty much everywhere is
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expensive right now, but LA and New York are probably the like
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highest ones right now. And being in one of the most
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expensive cities that there is the idea of bringing another
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child into our two-bedroom apartment.
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Let's just stick to financially first.
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Financially bringing another kid into the mix is going to change
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things exponentially. I've heard a lot that if you
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have two, it's not exactly doubling it.
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You multiply it by several. You think like, oh, I'll just
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double whatever, but it somehow becomes exponentially more
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expensive to have more than one child.
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And I don't know if we are financially in a place to have
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another kid. It's so expensive.
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But again, living in LA and being in a two-bedroom 2 bath,
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which is great. We have laundry in the unit
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which is great, but I would like a third room for myself, like
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for an office for a podcast room.
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Not another room for another baby necessarily.
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Now, I know growing up, I shared a room with my sister until,
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like I, you know, for a long time I shared.
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Yeah, I shared a room with my sister until the other one went
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to college. So.
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And I loved it. Well, I don't know if I loved
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it, but like, it's an experience.
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I think siblings are fine sharing a room.
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I don't think it's like each of my kids has to have their own
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room. I don't feel that way.
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Although my room growing up was probably a lot, was a lot bigger
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than May's room. You can see her room now if
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you're watching this. I do want my kids to have a
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house. Like if I have more than one, I
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feel like Mae is fine. She has her own space, but I
6:03
feel like it would be very crowded with two children and me
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and my husband because people need space of their own too.
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Like my husband needs space. I need space.
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We need space to be able to sit on your own too.
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And I know that that's a luxury and that's a privilege, but
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that's kind of where where I am and just the idea of childcare
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now. Now, this is actually something
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that makes me feel a little bit better because if I had another
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one, by the time I had another one, say May would be in school,
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we're sending her to public school and it that would be a
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financial. So right now, then we wouldn't
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be paying for her schooling that we're paying for right now.
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But then eventually we would be paying for the other one, you
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know, So it's like kind of a balance.
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But then you get into health insurance, food.
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They eat more the older they are, like toys.
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Like, I want to be able to give her things and experiences that
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I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to give two people two games like
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flying, like flying home, which were May and I are flying back
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to Saint Louis soon. And it was one thing to buy the
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two of us tickets, but to buy four people tickets, that's like
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we're not going anywhere. Like that seems crazy to me.
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So the financially I'm like, no. Now when it comes to like
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obviously I understand Preston has a say in this as well.
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So us talking about it, he's leaning more towards yes.
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I feel like I'm leaning more towards no, but I don't know.
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We've definitely had lots of conversations about it.
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He would tell you I talk about it literally all the time.
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But we haven't come to like a final resolution because neither
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of us is like very yes and neither of us is very no.
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So we're both kind of wishy washy, which is no good, no good
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at all. So So yes, I've definitely had
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the conversation with my husband.
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I feel like at the end of the day, it's more on me because
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obviously I'm the one who's going to be caring and having
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the baby and for the first long bit, it's a lot more on the mom
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than the dad. But because I was nursing and
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who knows what this with what another baby will be like.
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That's another thing I feel like I might be jinxing it to have
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another baby because knock on wood and praise God, whoever
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that may has been so quote UN quote easy.
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The birth was pretty traumatic, but like her health, her
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well-being, her sleeping, her eating, her everything.
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I feel like we've been so lucky because so many things that most
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parents like complain about or dread or whatever, like has been
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so easy and I know that like you tend to get the opposite of what
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you had the first time. So that does scare me very much.
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That being said though, the birth process, that is one of
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the reasons I want to have another one because I was not
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really a part of May's birth process.
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They put me under and pulled her out and I we will get into that
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again, but I wasn't there for her birth.
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Like I would like to be able to have a vaginal birth, but then
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again, who knows what could go wrong the next time.
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I it's all hard to not be able to plan and not be able to like,
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no. And isn't that funny that that's
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like the career we've chosen to that like I don't know what my
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future holds now. Only child guilt.
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I do have a bit of guilt not giving her a sibling because I
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had siblings. I have two older sisters who are
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gonna cry who are my best friends.
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And I feel like that would be something I would be taking from
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her. And I know that that's not
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necessarily true, but it is how I feel.
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And I know plenty of people who are only children who have like,
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friends that are like family. But I've never had like, friends
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that are family. But maybe that's because I've
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had my sisters. So I do.
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And she may love his baby so much, but I can't have another
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kid just for my current kid. You know?
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I understand that as well. So yeah, there's also the, gosh,
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I don't even think it's societal.
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OK, now I'm just getting emotional about everything.
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I don't think it's societal pressure.
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I think it's just a pressure I put on myself because in no
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reality, but I ever say this to another human and I hesitate
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even saying that. It's out loud, that it's a
12:01
thought in my head. But I do feel like that maybe if
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I only have one, that I'm not enough of a mom.
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How massive is that? And again, I would never say
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that to anyone who has one child.
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You have one child, you're fully a mom, 100% a mom.
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I just feel sometimes that it sneaks in there that I'm like, I
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only have one. Am I enough of a mom?
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Like where does that come from? I don't know.
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I don't know. I really don't know where that
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comes from. Also, I do worry that I'm not
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going to have enough patience for another 1.
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I feel like I feel like I'm a pretty good mom to me, but I do
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fear that I wouldn't be a great mom to two kids.
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And I've started following this, this woman or there's a couple
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accounts on Instagram that I've started following like the joy
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of 1. And she posted something
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recently that was like, your kid doesn't need another sibling.
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Your kid needs a mentally stable parent.
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And I found that very relatable because again, I feel like I'm
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doing all right with me. My patience does wear thin, but
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I feel like it would be paper thin like rice paper thin with
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with two. And I do worry that like I
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wouldn't be the best mom to two kids.
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Oh, I hate saying that out loud. I also, I get there's the whole
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comparison and it's like this woman also posted like if you
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just want one, it's still OK to be jealous or yeah, jealous.
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I guess when you see somebody else announce that they're
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having another baby, like that doesn't necessarily mean that
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you want 10. Another thing that I saw was
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that I might not have been the same woman, but somebody posted
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like, I don't want another child.
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I just like want that time with my child back.
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Like I it just goes so fast. I don't necessarily necessarily
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want another one, but I want like to experience it with my
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child again. And the fact that I didn't know
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if I wanted more or not the first time is also hard because
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I feel like maybe I wish I would have gone into the first one
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knowing that it's one and done. Not that I didn't cherish it the
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first time, but I feel like I kind of just like wish I would
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have known that. Yeah.
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Yeah. Man, these are some intimate
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things I'm sharing. I hope somebody can relate to
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some of these thoughts. Another thing is kind of just
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like an age gap with with May and another one.
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I feel like 4 years is great. Well, she's 3 so she would be 4.
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I feel like that's fine. I feel like she could kind of
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help. I, I feel like it is hard
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thinking like oh man though, if we had like a 10 and a 14 year
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old, like those are two totally different.
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Like 1 can watch PG13 movies. Like it's so much more
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complicated with two where you have to think of two fully
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different lives and humans and have to navigate between two.
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Like that sounds so hard. But then you see them like if
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they play together and become friends and like have each other
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in the future. I feel like I don't want a baby,
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another baby now. I feel like I want another child
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for the future, especially because right now Mae's potty
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trained, she's in school. The idea of starting over seems
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so daunting. Like starting all the way over.
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Like, Oh my God, I would have to be pregnant.
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Like I had a pretty good pregnancy, but like, so
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uncomfortable. Then who knows what's going to
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happen with the birth and then you got to have a newborn.
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Like I feel like I've mostly forgotten what that stage was
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like. But if if another baby is not as
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good as May with like sleeping and eating and all that, like
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what am I going to do? Like I'll lose my mind.
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I feel like there's just so many what ifs.
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Again, I told you that this was going to be a lot of back and
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forth, so hopefully you're still with me.
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Again, I doubt. I doubt I don't even know where
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I'm at at this point. This is just my head constantly.
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This is what's going on in my head constantly.
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I will say I feel like some of the signs that I feel like more
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so I'm done at 1 is that the idea of like clearing out space,
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like getting rid of the pack and play and getting rid of the
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bassinet and getting rid of all of this stuff that I have kept
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in case the idea of making space for not another kid sounds OK to
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me, sounds kind of nice. And I feel like that might be a
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sign. Another thing is that I think
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most people that I have talked to about this who have more than
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one say that they just knew they wanted two or however many they
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have. Like I just knew I wanted to, or
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I just knew. I, I just know I want 4 or
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whatever. I don't, I don't know, I guess I
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knew I wanted one and I didn't think beyond that.
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Damn it, Emily, why did you not think beyond that?
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But maybe that's another sign that I'm OK with one.
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But then the idea that I, the idea that I might regret not
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having another one, it's really hard.
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And I know that people will say like you'll never regret having
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another one. All the other things that I've
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mentioned about like money and space and like how it would kind
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of be a relief to be done with and just have one.
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But then I think, what if I had another one?
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And then here I am. So it's kind of like my head and
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my heart are just at odds. This parenting thing is not for
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the week anyway. I have not answered one and done
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question clearly but I would like to hear from other people
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how you knew you were done at one or how you knew you wanted
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more because I think it's just like the how or the not knowing
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I think. I think also I need to kind of
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let it go. I think I need to let whatever
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happens happen and that I don't have to decide right this
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moment. I'm I'm the only one who's
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making that 40 year old time clock happen to myself.
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And I can change it if I want to.
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But yeah, the whole like going through it over and over, it's
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kind of driving me crazy. So I think at the moment I need
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to let it go. I'm saying that knowing that I'm
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still going to be thinking about it constantly because I do want
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to know, mostly because I will, not mostly, but I do want to
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know if I should like, get rid of this stuff and make space.
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But it's the regret really that gets me too.
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And I know we shouldn't live in a place of fear, but I fear both
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situations. So what do I do with that?
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I fear I'm I fear regretting having another one.
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I feel I fear regretting it in the like financial and
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logistical and mental health and space wise and all of the all of
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those ways or those ways. I fear regretting doing it.
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Then on the other hand, I fear regretting not doing it.
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And that list is a lot shorter because I just don't want to be,
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you know, old and wish I would have had more than one.
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Somebody told me that it's very similar to that episode of
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Friends. Or it's like this long list of
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why not to have a baby or, you know, the long list of reasons.
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And then on the other side, it's it's not Rachel.
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So yeah, there's so many reasons to not have a baby, but then
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they're kind of one reason to have a baby.
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It's a pretty hefty 1. Anyway, I'm going to stop crying
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to you now. I'm going to leave you there.
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I'm going to leave myself there. I'm going to shake this off, let
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it go, try to let it go. And hopefully you gain something
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from listening to my conversation back and forth with
23:24
myself. And yeah, again, thanks for
23:28
being here and thanks for being a part of Mommy Would.