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253. These 8 Things Will Revolutionize Your Sexual Intimacy · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: In today's episode of the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, we're going to talk about the eight things that will revolutionize your sexual intimacy.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: What do you think about this podcast, babe?
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: Revolutionize.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Revolutionize.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Do you think we're overstating that a little?
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: bit.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely not.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Absolutely not, absolutely not.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: So, as we talk about all the time and you hear from our podcast constantly talking about the things couples struggle with.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: As you know, one of the big things is sexual intimacy, and we love doing the polls because the polls give a good indication of where everyone's at, and so, just jumping right in and starting off, we'll remind you of some of the polls that we've taken.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: So we've asked both men and women on our social media and here are some of the responses.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: So 99% yeah, you heard that right, 99% of couples, both men and women, from our social media polls state that sex is a need and that it's important in marriage.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: That is a lot higher than I thought.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: It would be Really yeah to have 99%, because you'd think that someone wouldn't be like, yeah, it's not a need, they don't need it, or we don't need it in a marriage.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, couples in our audience.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: That's true.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Couples in our audience, that's true Couples in our audience.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: That's true.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: And the next question we asked is does sex play an important role in the happiness in your marriage?
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: 92% said yes.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: 9% said no.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Then we asked the husbands is sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: A priority in your marriage?
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: 89% said no, it's not or that it could be better.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: So if 99% believe that it's important 92% say it plays an important role why are couples failing so horribly when it comes?
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: to connecting intimately Because of lack of emotional intimacy.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's probably part of it.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: That's my guess.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: That's probably part of it, okay.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: What's your answer?
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Well, obviously, I think there's a lot of things.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of things that couples struggle with, and I think that is what we want to hit on today is we're going to talk about the eight things that couples typically struggle with that keep them from having the intimacy that they want, and I think this is going to be a good podcast, because I think everyone listening is probably going to pull one or more things out of this that they can say yes, that definitely is one of the things that we struggle with in our relationship.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I know that Amy and I, talking through this, can absolutely identify things that we struggled with um in our marriage and probably could identify the things that maybe we can even improve on as well.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: So, you know, hopefully, this podcast episode, like I said, with different things, are going to hit different couples differently in this episode.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: I believe so, and he's just shaking her head.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: She's a.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: She's a woman of few words, so diving in the first and the biggest thing which we talk about often is talking about sex.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Why is it so hard?
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: And it is it so hard and it is it is hard.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, this was a barrier for you and I for quite some time.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: It's like we just wouldn't talk about it.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: So why?
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: do you think it?
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: is so hard for so many couples to talk about sex.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: It's awkward.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with that.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: It's still awkward, right.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: No, it doesn't have to be.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: Do you find it still awkward to talk about some things?
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: No, you don't.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: No, oh, you're a rock star then, because there's definitely still some things that I'd be uncomfortable or be like oh, that's a little hard to ask or Really A little hard to talk about, but we still do it because it's so important that we do it to talk about, but I, we would still do it because it's so important that we do it.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: I think personally that for a lot of women that are struggling with not caring, what I want to say is I think it's hard.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: So.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: So you have a couple that's busy and has kids and has courage and has a life you know that, been married a few years, whatever that looks like in their life and maybe the wife is struggling with the low libido you know, which is common in most marriages, and so she doesn't realize that sex is a big need, like maybe, that's like gone down the list, right, and so she doesn't feel because it's not something that she necessarily is thinking about or needing all the time, like her husband, maybe, or vice versa, it's not something that she feels like she needs to talk about, like that's how it would probably be in our marriage, right, like it's not something that I'm just like, oh, we needs to talk about.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's how it would probably be in our marriage, right, it's not something that I'm just like, oh, we need to talk about this all the time, which I think most couples will probably relate to that.
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: So if it's not something that you feel like needs to be talked about, then it's going to have to be the other person wanting to talk about it.
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: And like we always talk about from our polls and from what people message us and email, if I mean, if a guy is always wanting to talk about that but it's not necessarily something that's super important to her, it should be, but if it's not, it's going to cause like you just always want to talk about this, this is about you, and you know.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: I mean this could go down a path of yeah, it should be important, it should be important.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: My point is is that when both people aren't wanting to talk about that subject, it it's not going to happen, and when you don't talk about it all the time, it gets harder to talk about.
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: So if a couple, the intimacy has been struggling for a few years and then all of a sudden it comes to a point which is a lot of couples' marriages, it gets to a point where, like this has become a problem.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: This has become a disconnect in our marriage.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: We need to talk about it, but now it's been so long that it's awkward.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: That's why it's awkward, like we're talking about.
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: Why is it hard to talk about?
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: That's why it's?
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: Because it's not one of those things that people talk about every single week, like their kids or their job or the household chores or whatever causes things.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: Communication right like.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: the things that we talk about on a daily or weekly basis are easy to talk about, but the things that we push under the rug or the things that cause conflicts, those kind of things are hard to talk about.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: And sex is one of those things.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: When both people aren't putting that as a top priority and talking about it, often, it gets hard to talk about.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think one of the other reasons it's hard to talk about is because it's so.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: If you just heard the stats from the polls.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: It is so important in a marriage, but it also can be, like you said, a subject of such conflict and contention.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Right, like I mean, this is what usually the number one or number two reasons for divorces is um a discrepancy in sexual intimacy in a relationship.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: Which is caused by other things.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Exactly, and in fact, 62% of couples that we polled say it's really uncomfortable to talk about sexual intimacy.
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: So it is something that's uncomfortable to talk about, but that's all the more reason why you should talk about it but if you grew up in, like, in a religion where sex was never talked about, and then all of a sudden you get married and you're like wait, I I don't know how to talk about it.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: I've never talked about it yeah like we talked and did the podcast on purity culture, right, and like some of the, I mean that's a that's a good thing, but it could be a negative thing if you weren't taught anything or you weren't taught to have these discussions.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: I mean, how do you get married and then all of a sudden be like let's just talk about all this, and you don't even know what to talk about.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Like those are the reasons why it's hard right and I think early on in our relationship I didn't know what to talk about, right?
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: You don't really know what to ask, right?
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: And I think you hit a important thing, especially as we're getting started in this, when we say that we really feel like this can revolutionize your marriage.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: It really can, but the asterisk on that is that it needs to be both of you wanting that, both of you wanting change and willing to work on the things to make those changes.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: And if both of you want the change and are willing to work on the things to make those changes, and if both of you want the change and are willing to work on the things to make those change, then these things we're talking about can absolutely really transform your relationship.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: But if one spouse doesn't want to do it and the other spouse does, then you're probably in trouble.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: And so, again going back to what you were saying, we're talking about couples that have good relationship to want to make it even better and both spouses want to see this change happen in their marriage right I think that's important before we move on, I'm going to jump in and just say sexual good, sexual intimacy, like we always say, comes from strong emotional intimacy.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: And there's no.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: I mean, if a wife is not feeling loved and connected and all those things first she, she's not even going to want to talk about it or put it as a priority, correct?
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: Correct yep.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: So in that situation, same thing when it comes down to talking.
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: When a wife is like I need this, or I need you to help with this, or I need more of this, and the husband doesn't give that, or vice versa, she becomes the nagger right, like we hear about my wife's always nagging and nagging and nagging.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: Like this is where communication, whether it's sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, gets tricky.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: It's because if I'm missing my need and you're missing your need, it starts almost feeling like you're becoming a nag.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you're nagging about it.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: Right and and whatever that need is, it needs to be important to both people and that's why it's important to talk about.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: Do you feel loved?
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: What do you need to feel loved?
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: How do we make sexual intimacy, our emotional intimacy, more prioritized so the sex can be better?
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: Right, you're exactly?
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: right.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: So check out episode 138, talking about sex expectations in marriage and why you need to talk about them together.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: This will be a great episode that will help you understand why you need to just be able to talk about these tough things.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: You can also check out the intimate conversations in the ultimate intimacy app, which are a great way to make very tough or awkward conversations a lot easier, because if your phone's the one reading it, then all of a sudden you're not the one coming up with the ideas, or it's sometimes it's not taken personally right so that can be a great benefit as well.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: So, moving on to the second one is, you know, making love because it's important?
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: Um, we did episode 107, which was maintenance sex and why you should be open to it, and I think this was a really good episode.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: And I think I think people often get maybe really defensive about this and say you know why in the world would?
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Why in the world are you saying you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to have sex?
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: And we're not at all saying that.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Again, we're talking about healthy relationships, healthy marriages, to where?
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Look at the things that you do in life and in your marriage.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: There are so many things that you do, not necessarily because you want to do them, but because you know that your marriage needs it or your family needs it or certain aspects of your marriage need it.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: I mean, we don't all go to work because we want to.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: We go to work to support our family.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: We go to work because our family needs it.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: We go get maintenance done on our cars, not because we all love doing that.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: We do it because we know that if we do that maintenance, our car is going to last a lot longer, it's going to work better.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: There's so many benefits to that and I think you know even exercise or different things.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: There's so many things that we do in our relationship and in our marriage because it's important for the long-term I guess, the long-term benefits of that, and I think sometimes sexual intimacy is no different.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: And again, we're not saying that, oh, if you're not in the mood, you have to do it.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: That's not what we're saying at all.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Again, we, that's the whole purpose of foreplay.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: We want you to just open up your minds and think what the whole purpose of foreplay is to get in the mood when you're not in the mood.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: And I think now there's such a negative reaction to like, well, if you're not in the mood, then you just can't do it, and it's almost like completely neglecting or foregoing foreplay and I think people are really forgetting the whole purpose of foreplay.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: So again, you can find that in episode 107, Maintenance Sex, why you Should Be Open to Doing it.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: And once again, that's if your relationship is awesome.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: Exactly that is not if your relationship is struggling.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: That's not what we're talking about.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: We're talking about if your relationship is in a good place.
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: You don't have to be in the mood.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: That's what we're saying.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: Just to clarify right.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I love the next one.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: This is an area where Amy and I have really changed our opinions on this, and that is making time for sex.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: I think this is probably one of the biggest things for couples is we constantly hear just like, oh, I don't have time, I'm too tired.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: I, you know, we go through life and we check off all the boxes and by the end of the day, you know we just we don't have the time for it, we're too tired.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Whatever, I think it's so important to make time.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: If your marriage is important, why would you not make time for that?
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, when we were dating, right, like I had a million things I could have been doing, but our yeah, or even first married, like but our relationship was the most important thing.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: So of course, I'm going to prioritize that number one and that should continue to be that way for your marriage and for making time to connect sexually.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: I was going to say.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: We did a post on social media the other day about if you're too tired, if you're too stressed, if you're just worn out at the end of the day, then try doing it in the morning, and I was so shocked how many women commented.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: That post went viral, which was totally shocking to me, and so many women were the commenters saying I love the morning before the kids up.
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: It's a great way to start my day.
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: We feel super connected.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: I was like totally shocked by the comments that were given.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: So, anyways, that's a great idea.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: If you are worn out a lot at night, if you're going to put your marriage first, put that box in the morning.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: I think that's so true.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: I mean again, just making time for that.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: And when people hear of scheduling sex, they often think, oh, it's 703, we're going to do it.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: No, that's not what we're saying at all.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: But pick some nights that work for you, Like there's got to be some nights during the week that are easier than the others.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Pick those nights, pick those mornings and say you know what, these are the times that are the easiest.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: We're going to prioritize sexual intimacy during these times.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: You really prioritize what's important to you.
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: Like, if your marriage is important to you.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: You're going to make time for things that are important right?
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: So you can listen to this at episode 104, and the title is why we have Completely Changed Our Minds About Scheduling Sex, and I would say we totally have changed our mindset on that.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Moving on, your sexual frequency is a good indicator of your marriage.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: So we did this in podcast, episode 120.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: And we titled it Sex is a Thermometer that Can Gauge the Temperature of your Marriage, and 92% of men and women said that sex does play an important role in happiness in their marriage.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: And then we asked the question when your marriage is good, are you having more sexual intimacy?
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: And 91% said yes.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: So that correlates that when people are making love more often, they're going to have a better marriage, or vice versa.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: What that means is that the temperature of your emotional intimacy is strong.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: It always comes down to that.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: The people that have a good temperature in their marriage, that are having sex often, are united.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: They are connected, they are teammates, they are passionate about each other and their marriage and their relationship and their friends.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: And that all comes down to emotional intimacy.
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: The foundation exactly, exactly.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: But I think it's also important to note, and I think this is where couples need to have that communication.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And well is you know, so many men need that physical intimacy to give the emotional, and women obviously need the emotional before they're going to want to give the physical, and so it's the emotional before they're going to want to give the physical, and so it's.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: That is a.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: It is a balance, but I agree with what you're saying, like when things are good, they're typically going to be good on all levels, with both the emotional and physical.
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: So emotional comes first, guys.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: Sorry, I'm gonna say it again Emotional comes first, guys.
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: Husbands, make your wife feel loved, and then ladies, if he's doing that, you've got to prioritize sexual intimacy and you'll see the emotional get even stronger.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: Agreed, it's a circle, it's a circle.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: I love the next one and I titled this.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: It Takes Two and I think it's so important to remember that the lower desire spouse needs to initiate once in a while.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: We get a lot of husbands or the high desire spouse saying that they feel like they're always the ones initiating.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you right now, when the lower desire spouse initiates, like there's nothing better, there's nothing better to the other spouse, and so I think you know that two-way-way street, so to speak, I think is so important.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: I think that just depends on the man.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: I've had a lot of men comment and say I'm the man.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: I have no problem being the initiator of that and I don't expect my wife to do it.
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: And then some men say they love it and so I think it's important for husbands to understand here I'm going to just you're getting Nick's perspective, you're going to get my perspective.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: I'm the wife, he's the husband.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: It's hard for a wife that's not thinking about that Does this have a body part telling her that she needs it to just all of a sudden be like I'm going to initiate.
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying it's not important once in a while.
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: I I'm not saying it's not important once in a while, I'm just saying it's really hard.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: So have patience with her.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: If you're like, why does she never initiate?
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: It's because she's not probably thinking about it like you were.
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: It's just natural.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like how often do you think I'm just going to go stop at the store and buy my wife some flowers for no reason?
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: Is that natural?
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, but no, no but every you know, but every once in a while I mean that's so, that's what I'm saying.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: It's like even just every once in a while just every once in a while.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: So I mean so, just if you're frustrated that she doesn't initiate very often, think about something that makes her feel loved that you never think about and just and just turn the tables like maybe she does love when you show up with a big bouquet of flowers.
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: How often do you do that?
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: Do you think about that?
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: Naturally?
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: If your answer is no, that's probably how she feels.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: I'm just trying to, like you know, so the husbands are frustrated over this like, naturally, if your wife doesn't have a high drive, it's not going to come into her mind like I should go initiate sex.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: It's just not going to happen.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: And so, yeah, that's why we have our podcast and that's why we do posts about trying to help remind women, you know, like you know this would mean a lot to him, but do try to be patient that if you're the high drive, you probably will do the majority of initiating in your marriage and that's okay.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: If you have a wife that's like, yeah, I'll make love to you tonight, thanks for initiating, or whatever.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: I think I know that's important to you, be grateful for that yeah, be grateful for that and honestly, that's the way it mostly is in our relationship and I'm totally okay with that, the fact that you're willing and be okay with that like, like I said, like if it's, if it's causing some kind of like turmoil in your marriage, like like turn the tables, like, are you thinking of the things that make her feel love that you would never think about?
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: Think about it for a second, you know.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, for sure, all right, the next one who controls sex?
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: Absolutely the lower drive spouse.
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: So we did and that should, that should be.
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's natural, that's, that's absolutely the answer, and it should be.
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: So on episode 170, we titled it Do Women have Complete Control, and Say so when it Comes to Sexual Intimacy?
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: It probably should have been.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: Does the Lower Desire Spouse?
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: It's the Lower Desire Spouse, but typically, typically from what we've seen with our audience, it typically is the women.
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: Mostly, there's a lot of higher drive wives there is, but the majority is usually.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: Most women are lower drive.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: So in this, we took a poll and we asked a question and 83% said yes, women do have complete control and say so when it comes to sexual intimacy.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: Well, yeah, and that's absolutely natural and probably the right thing.
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: I mean, yeah, if you're the lower drive spouse like you're going to have, you're going to control that a little bit.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: So how does a couple balance that out, Because I think the key word in here is control right, Like they're the ones putting up the yes or no sign, so to speak, and saying if and when it's going to happen.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: How can couples find a better balance with that?
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: I think that we have to like re-look at the word control and say control is usually negative, but it doesn't always like in this sense who controls when sex happens doesn't doesn't have to be a negative connotation like that's not.
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: We're not trying to say that's always a bad thing, like in our marriage.
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm the lower drive, so yeah, I'm probably going to control it.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Actually see, this is where me and Nick disagree.
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: We have disagreements.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: I feel like he controls it because he tells me when he wants it I'm usually okay with it.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: But I see what you're saying, right, like if I said no, then I'd be more like controlling when it happened.
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: So I think that looks different to every marriage.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: Like in my marriage, I feel like you control it because when you want it I'm usually open to it and I don't usually say no.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: So I feel like you control in our marriage, um in a in a, in a marriage where a wife is always like rejecting, where there's a lot of rejecting, which hopefully a lot of you listening are in marriages like that.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: But if there's a lot of rejection going on, they're absolutely going to feel like the lower drive spouse controls everything, right and that would be a negative way so I think it's how you look at it.
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: I don't think it's always I.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: I think we need to like, maybe change the word control, but I think you're right like it shouldn't be a negative thing in a marriage for sure, but yeah absolutely the higher drive spouse, depending on your situation, is probably you think the lower drive spouse controls that I think the higher drive spouse, so I don't know.
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: I guess it depends how you look at this.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the way you responded is exactly right, like if you were saying no a lot, then that would be you're in control, right, right you Right, because they're saying yes or no, right, but where you're like, yeah, I'm open to making love, then it really almost gets rid of the control thing, right?
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: So I like how you brought that up and I think that's true and yeah, I mean, I think that's.
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: So our episode that we're talking about in this one, 170, that you already mentioned do women have complete control, and say so, when it comes to sexual intimacy?
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: My answer you can go listen to that podcast.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: We had a big discussion on this.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: I think no, and a lot of men would say yes, depending on their marriage.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, I think it's all how it's responded to.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: Absolutely Is the key.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: I really like the next one because I think it's something that every marriage has dealt with.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I know it's something that you and I have dealt with before as well, early on, but the toxic games that every couple plays at least one at least at some point in their marriage and this is when everyone's done it, everyone's done it.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: But this is when the wife's emotional needs aren't getting met.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: So she was withholds the sexual needs and the husband, because the sexual needs are aren't being met, so he starts withholding the emotional needs and you see kind of this tug of war going on and and slowly you know no one's going to give in and you're pretty much building a grand canyon in your marriage, right yeah, but it happens all the time.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: I mean it's deeper and deeper and farther away, and you're just your disconnect, just gross.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: But right yeah, how do you climb back over the farther, it gets right Like that's the game we're talking about.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: But I would I would say that every couple out there listening has probably dealt with this at one time in their marriage or more, and some couples are probably dealing with it quite often and I would say every couple has dealt with this Absolutely In some kind of way.
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: It might not be super toxic, it might not be extreme, but even us there have been times where, I mean, everyone's gotten in a fight and had the silent treatment before and the emotional intimacy grew apart, and so the sexual intimacy grew apart, and it comes down to who gives in first right.
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: And no one wants to give in first, nobody wants to give in, but the husband probably, if he's got the high drive and he's like it's day four, he's probably going to apologize and give in right, like it's just.
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: It is what it is Like.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: We've all done it.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: Yep, we're all guilty, but it's just, it is what it is Like we've all done it.
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: Yep, we're all guilty, but yeah, no, no question.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: It really comes down to the spouse who has humility and doesn't want to wedge in the relationship and is literally humble enough to be like let's fix this.
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: Let's strengthen this emotional intimacy.
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry Whatever happened.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know.
• 26:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and's strengthen this emotional intimacy.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry whatever happened.
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's tough to do, it is tough to do Pride gets in the way, it's tough to do.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: It makes it really tough.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: So the last one we added and I think this is important, I know Amy and I have seen this in our own relationship is talking about the positives and negatives about adding toys or intimacy aid to your intimate life, and one of the reasons why I think this is important to add that can be a barrier sometimes is in our case you know if your spouse isn't enjoying sexual intimacy, they're not going to want to have sexual intimacy, and so there's a lot of great aids and different things that can really be a game changer for many women out there.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: Well, not ever said and we talk about this in episode two, 50, so you can check out that episode.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: But I think that's a really important one.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: I think, um, I never, I never would have thought that would be as important as I probably would rate it now really yeah, just because I mean the discussions that we've had and different things and you just expressing like how much better it makes it and how different it is and why.
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: I'm shocked after I mean we've been doing this business for years and how many messages we've gotten doing this business for years and how many messages we've gotten received.
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: I'm I'm shocked by how many women have said I've been married this amount of years like a long time and I've never had an orgasm yeah, like it's no wonder, or I or I still don't know my body.
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: Or a lot of men have reached out like I.
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: My wife doesn't know what she likes, she still doesn't know what feels good.
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: Or I don't even know how to touch my wife.
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: I don't know how to please my wife.
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: I don't even know how to give my wife an orgasm.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: Like so many messages of people been married a long span and having no clue still how to enjoy it together and that is, that is tough right, like that's where those important conversations come down to.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: But if a wife isn't 100, enjoying it every single time, and not even just every time but like the whole time, like we talk about in this episode, 250, a wife like if foreplay takes forever and the arousal takes forever and it's only feeling good for like 30 seconds, to her it's going to feel like a lot of work to get there and so it's going to be put, put off more right, that's one of the things you said is I feel like it's too much work for too little enjoyment okay.
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: So if you have a wife that does know how to orgasm but it takes her 40 minutes to get turned on enough to be able to, she's gonna be exhausted by the thought especially on nights where she's tired, be exhausted by the thought that, like I'm gonna have to work really hard and try really hard and my husband wants me to enjoy it so bad, but it's so much work for my body and I just I'm mentally not there right now.
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: Like this episode and talking about, like sexual aids can change all of that and I just I wish I would have realized that when I was pregnant and having kids and when they were younger and things were busier in a different way, like I don't know I, they can be life-changing and I just wish that every wife could learn her body and how to teach her husband about her body, and sometimes aids can really really help that, because it changes everything, right, changes everything.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: And it has for us a lot as well too.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: So we we could have spent hours and hours in this podcast talking about each one of these episodes, but that wasn't the point of this episode.
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: The point of this episode was to kind of go through and point out the different things that couples struggle with and hopefully some of them hit home for you and then give you the podcast episode to go listen to so you can learn more and if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to us but basically just to give you a more in-depth perspective.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: We didn't have time to do that on this one, but hopefully this podcast episode can point you in the right direction, give you something to talk about together as a couple and figure out how to really revitalize your sexual intimacy in your relationship.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: This episode was brought to you by the ultimate intimacy app.
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: If you haven't downloaded the app yet, there are hundreds of resources to strengthen all the areas of intimacy emotional, sexual, physical.
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: You will find all sorts of awesome resources.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: So go to the Amazon or Apple App Store and download it today, and thanks for your support.