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68: Love Yourself to Love Others w/ Jason Smith · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  This episode is sponsored by National Technology Management. Visit TrustNTM.com for more information. I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:21
  Relationships are paramount in this world, and I have formed a stronghold with today's guest. He's a good person from his nose to his toes. From chef to law enforcement to self-love coach, Jason Smith's daily take a walk with me lives on Instagram, and his blueprint podcast, our must-sees. He's here today to discuss how the most important relationship we have is with ourselves, as well as attachment styles. Welcome to the Heart of the Life podcast, you amazing soul, but please everybody,
• 0:49
  Follow him at jbirdfit on all handles. Welcome, my brother. How are you today? Kelly, thanks for having me, man. I'm glad to be here. Yeah, let's jump right in and I'm going to put you on a hot seat. This is your first time ever being a guest on a podcast. I believe you're nervous having rescheduled me once that even texted me the other day, warning me that it's your first time. What are you
• 1:13
  Yeah, and you want to know why that is. It's because this is so fresh and new to me. And there's that part of you that wants to have that bit of perfection. You're a bit of a people pleaser. You want to show up in a very specific way, and you want people to see you as that person. And when we talk about manifesting the things that you want in the future, you have to see it, you have to be it, and you have to do it. But you can't,
• 1:37
  get to the end product unless you're in the process of. And so, so much of this has been me in the process of building, of cultivating, of creating and becoming this new person, this new version of me that to go from chef to police officer, you have to let go of a particular identity of who you've been for so long in all of these different circumstances. And so when I get to this place of being on somebody else's show, I have to give up a bit of control over that scenario.
• 2:07
  And so for me, it's all about representing myself in the best way possible and making sure that I'm conveying my message in a way that's truly authentic to the Jaybird fit brand. You took the question right away from you. Let me tell you what, it's my job to introduce you to the heart of the life, loyal listeners and make them love you as much as I do. And it's very easy as long as you're genuine, authentic. And you just teed up and stole my first question. What I'm going to say.
• 2:35
  How is the nervousness and how you're feeling right now akin to dating and relationships when someone should be calm, cool, collected and let things happen? Talk to me about that. You know, it's so interesting. So I had a podcast the other day with somebody who's got a lot of followers. And so you sit back and you're kind of envious of these people that have
• 3:01
  you know, showing that they're so capable and so competent in all the different areas. You know, you're talking with people who are authors and coaches and therapists that have, they're well-established in their careers. And I'm just some guy in the middle of central Illinois that decided to do something a little bit different, to dive into a podcast, to start creating and cultivating something new. But where it stemmed from for me is
• 3:25
  was some pain that I was experiencing that I didn't know what to do with. And I covered this with the holistic psychologist and that her work gave me language for a lot of the things that I was going through and that I was experiencing in my own life. And in that came this whole epiphany of, well, I'm not enough. And so many of us have that same experience where we just feel like we're not enough and we,
• 3:53
  get to a place where we start looking for all the answers and all the wrong places and we'll hop on YouTube and we'll dive into it. And we get so far into YouTube and we're obsessing about it. And it's something that, you know, it's just over and over, we're overthinking about it and we're in this place where we're struggling. And so much of this is really about pulling back, regulating your nervous system, allowing yourself to take a breath, to be in the moment and to see things for what they really are.
• 4:23
  instead of how you wish that they would be. Oh, man, you're fired. That started off exactly the way we want to do it. So what you said is pain is the portal. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Pain is the catalyst. And I love that you brought that up because...
• 4:42
  We have a threshold, and this is anecdotal. This is my own personal belief. These are things that I've experienced, that you get conditioned to a certain level of emotional pain, physical and emotional pain in your life. And we get to this place where you can't transition out of that until you go one step beyond that.
• 5:00
  Whatever your threshold is for that, because otherwise we'll be in this conditioned state in that autopilot mind, just carrying out life, going through the motions, doing all the things, doing what we're supposed to be doing, showing up in all the ways that we're supposed to be showing up.
• 5:17
  until we have that catalyst. We have that moment that breaks us down and allows us to take that one step beyond that pain threshold. And then when you realize that, it opens up a whole new way of living for you because you create and cultivate this level of self-awareness about yourself. You're becoming self-aware. You're discovering
• 5:37
  who you are, you're realizing that you have a body and that you have these feelings and emotions that are coursing through you. And you're no longer living on that plane of existence of just in that autopilot mind. You shift beyond that. I love that. It's a familiar misery that we stay on that feels normal. It's when you go into the unfamiliar and the pain and the misery that you find your true self and those are the answers. But I want to say something to you specifically because we are friends and I do adore you.
• 6:06
  We are all the same brother. I know you had Nicole LaPearl on. She's an amazing person. I love her very much. She's amazing. And, but she's just further ahead than us. She puts her pants on the same way you and I do. She gets up the same way and does all the same work.
• 6:22
  I love you. I see you. And we're going to introduce you to the world today because our listeners are growing by the day and they're going to see how awesome you are. So let's get right into it. What in your opinion is the hardest part of dating in today's culture and why do we get it so wrong? The hardest part I think is knowing who you are.
• 6:49
  We don't take the time to step back and actually analyze, well, who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What are my intentions here? What do I really want from this situation? So many of us are in this place where we just take what pretty much falls into our lap. It's what's accessible to us. It's what's in the area that we live in. It's what I call the sphere of influence that we all have, that 15 feet around us that we interact with people and we have all these different conversations.
• 7:17
  Hopefully we're conversating, right? And we operate from that place and you can become extremely lonely and frustrated and irritated with that situation. The other aspect of this is social media, where it's given us so many benefits and you and I are certainly experiencing the benefits of social media and the reach and being able to share your message. It also puts you in this position where you have all of these options, perceived options
• 7:45
  that extend well beyond your sphere of influence. And so we're in this place where I'm dating somebody in my actual sphere of influence, right, that 15 feet that's around me. But there's a part of me that doesn't appreciate this experience. I don't appreciate this person. I'm not being respectful of the situation that I'm currently in. And a lot of it comes down to this fear of missing out.
• 8:06
  This is an okay relationship. It's a seven out of 10, but it's not a 10 out of 10. And so we have to understand what our threshold is for that. Do we want a 10 out of 10? Do we want a seven out of 10? In that seven out of 10, are there all these other amazing components that go well in that relationship? And so we want to be respectful of the relationships that we have and truly ask ourselves and know ourselves and know our intentions of what we want in the position of what we want in this particular relationship and where it's heading.
• 8:37
  perceived options. You mean that everybody in our DMS aren't fricking perfect for us and the FOMO. Oh my goodness. We all think we can get it better. And when you say a seven on a 10 and a 10 on a 10, you know, it's perceived that's perceived. And that's on your cure. It's a seven to you, but a seven, you might not be a seven to me. So I, and that seven is going to be somebody else's 10 or somebody else's two.
• 9:08
  Well, potentially, I just, you know, to me, I just, I made a list of what I want and what are non-negotiables and I don't settle for that. And at the end of the day, that's what your people settle and that's what gets in them in trouble. So I'm going to ask you straight up because this is what everybody wants to know. How do we find the right partner?
• 9:33
  That is something that's limited to each individual person. And so again, you have to know who you are, what you're all about, where you're going, what you're doing, why you're doing it,
• 9:46
  You have to understand your intentions for a relationship with someone else. Are you dating to date? That's great. There's no problem with that. But if you're dating someone who wants marriage and you're dating to date, now we're going to be in this place of direct conflict. And this is where we get into these types of situations where we start blaming this other person. Well, they must be avoidant. They must be this particular thing. And it's really just because our intentions are not the same. We're not aligned at this time in this relationship. But we betray ourselves and we put ourselves in this position where we're not going to
• 10:14
  where we're looking at this person and they're like, oh, but they're amazing and they're all of these things and it's so wonderful. But, and it's like, okay, that but is the problem. That but is the issue. That but is the sign or signal that you should be paying attention to and recognizing that something's off. Something's not right. I need to pay attention to this. And it doesn't mean ditch that person, get rid of them right away, but we want to ask some more clarifying questions and really get to the root of
• 10:38
  Well, what do you want from this relationship and where is this going? And then we get into timeframes and people are like, well, is it okay after two weeks? No, it's not okay after two weeks. But after a few months and you've been spending time together, right? It's always time in together. How much time have we been spending? How well do you know this person? And we know.
• 10:58
  that it's 18 months before you truly know somebody. So people who fast track things, right? And I would always caution you to not do that, but to take your time and to, again, we wanna, and this is where I tell people about the self check-in
• 11:11
  So we want to check in with ourselves and what we're going through, what we're experiencing, what's happening right now in this relationship. When we're feeling anxious, when we're feeling frustrated, when we're feeling lost, when we're feeling confused, that's where we want to say, okay, clap our hands. We're going to use a pattern interrupt. We're going to yell, stop, change, whatever, step back, zoom out and give yourself the opportunity to see what's actually going on in this relationship. And I think you'll be really surprised at what you find. There may be a disconnect in communication,
• 11:38
  Or you might find that this person just isn't the person for you. The toughest pill to swallow. Of course they are. But I love them. Right. But so what do you love?
• 11:52
  What is it about them do you love? What do you truly admire? How again? How do you feel? What are they? What experience are they giving you in this relationship? And then do you feel okay with that? Does it feel good to you? Because we often get confused. Think of the chemistry, right? We have all this chemistry and it feels so good. All this stuff is building up inside of us and it's amazing. And I love it. It feels like home. Right? It feels like home. Well, how was your home?
• 12:20
  Let's really think about that for a second. And it sounds cliche, and it kind of is, but...
• 12:26
  you end up giving yourself the same experience or similar that you had in your youth and in your early dating years, right? That's what we get primed for, for the type of relationship that we wanna have. And then we go out into the world and our nervous systems are primed to respond in a particular way to a particular type of person. Again, that's how we also get back to the, I only date avoidance or I only date this particular type of person. And it's like, well, that's what you've been primed for. So of course you're gonna be attracted to that. Of course you're gonna find people
• 12:55
  that resonate with you, that have that energetic vibe that kind of pull you in and you feel so magnetic to one another and you don't you just don't repel each other at all.
• 13:06
  until you do. And there's always that catalyst in the relationship that pushes it beyond where we're now in a tailspin and we don't know what to do or where to go. Yeah, right when the honeymoon's over. You said that the butts, you said the butts. It's funny, gentlemen, we're not talking about their actual physical butts. It's when she's great, but, and there lies the unresolved trauma probably in your childhood, more likely than not, that needs to be resolved. So if it feels like home, run.
• 13:36
  Because most of us had a rough childhood or had trauma in their childhood. And if it feels like home, we got to heal some of that so we can be healthy, be a whole person and go meet another whole person. All too often, we get two incomplete people trying to make it work and they wonder why it doesn't work.
• 13:54
  Heal yourself, become the person you want to attract, and they will come. Jason, that's the first time I've ever heard 18 months before you truly know somebody. Where did you, I mean, I've interviewed a lot of people who have never heard that. Where'd you come up with that? Oh, man. It's in one of the 200 books that I've read. You know, I think a simple Google search and we'll be able to pick it up on who quoted that. Yeah.
• 14:19
  you're hearing it more and more on podcasts as well, where people are quoting that 18 months. The other thing I want to mention is when we get activated in a relationship, barring any ill behavior, right? We don't want to condone anything that's abusive or anything along those lines. But if it's otherwise a good relationship and we're just having some struggles and we're trying to figure some things out, I want people to use their discernment
• 14:45
  And to recognize that it's okay to stay in that relationship because we do our best healing in relationship to another. And we are going to be triggered and they are going to try us. And it is going to be difficult because relationships are hard. And we're so often disconnected from ourselves that we don't know what we're experiencing or what we're going through. We don't even know how to name it.
• 15:08
  So many people are experiencing anger and frustration when really they're experiencing grief of a younger version of themselves or a story that they, they had for themselves that they had to give up because, you know, maybe they've aged out, you know, like myself, I had to give up on a story that I had made up for myself, all these wonderful and amazing things that I wanted. I actually had to kill that dream, get rid of it. And it no longer exists in order to become this person that I am today and build
• 15:38
  like the podcast is called, a new blueprint, right? We throw out the old blueprint because it's no longer working. It's no longer functional. It's the one that somebody else gave us. It's the programs from our childhood and young adulthood and into our 20s that, well, if you do all of these things, if you follow this path, if you do this thing, then your life is going to be amazing. You're going to have everything that we had. But that's not how it works for everybody. And at some point, you have to make the pivot. You have to be willing to say, you know what? This doesn't work anymore.
• 16:06
  And so I'm going to throw that out and I'm going to learn how to build a new blueprint for myself. So what you said is if you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always got. What you always got. If you want something that you've never had before, you've got to do something you've never done before. So it sounds so simple and it is, but it's just not easy. So you went there, you said avoidance.
• 16:29
  Uh, you're, you're an expert on these attachment styles, depending on which social media platform you go on. Uh, and it, it, it seems like you're favoring one over the other, but it, it, the avoiding is what I've always attracted in my life. So I find it fascinating, even though, you know, if you listen to Sabrina, she'll tell you, you have a little bit of both and both sides. Um, recap the styles again, and how do these labels hurt dating?
• 16:59
  So when I look at attachment styles, for me, it was one of those things. I had all these experiences where I was seeing that people often say, I'm not enough. I'm not capable. I can't do this. And so it's that overarching theme that we carry with us.
• 17:13
  And if you're going into relationship to relationship and you're constantly feeling like you're not enough and you're looking for things that are external to you to help build you up, to fill that void, to give you something that's missing inside of you and you can only ever, because we have blinders on, right? Because we're in our conditioned state. So we're constantly going through life and we think that all of these things are external to us. And so I'll be happy when I have to get this thing. This is important to me. And when this thing happens, then and only then will my life
• 17:41
  begin to work out until you get all of those things. You have the accolades, you get the degrees, you become a doctor, you do all of the amazing things, and you realize that you're still not fulfilled. You're still not happy. You're still struggling. You still have this void inside of you. And you end up in this existential crisis of, is this really what my life is going to be? Is this really who I am? And then we start asking the question, well, who am I?
• 18:07
  And so when we talk about attachment styles, I like to look at it more as a tool for you, the individual, to understand yourself. Because my whole platform, I think it gets confused because I talk about attachment styles, but I use that as the method to becoming more, to create a better relationship with you and understanding who you are, where you're going, what you're doing, why you're doing it.
• 18:30
  As we continue to build ourselves internally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, what you're going to find is your confidence increases. You become more capable.
• 18:40
  you become more competent. And in that competency, you find yourself saying no to the things that no longer resonate with you. You get presented with something and you're like, yeah, no, no. I mean, I used to say yes to that. I don't know why. And you might not even know why you wanna say no to it now, but you know that it no longer resonates with you. It doesn't attract you. It doesn't feel good. You don't wanna have that experience anymore. And so as we do these things and we cultivate self-love and you move into that place of feeling more confident in your relationships,
• 19:09
  you begin to have a different type of relationship with other people. We've all heard this. We, whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right. I got to tell you, if you don't think you're good enough, you will attract someone who's not good enough and not on your level. And it's just, you will always get an energetic match. It just ends up on this hamster wheel and you can't get off of it. And it sucks. And that's why dating is so hard. So.
• 19:37
  And then we play the blame game. Right? So...
• 19:40
  I'm going to blame everything that everybody else is doing because what I'm doing, like I've read the books, I've gone to therapy, I've done the stuff and I know I'm exercising some of these things, maybe not consistently. Right. But I know I'm exercising these things. So I'm good. So it has to be you. And again, this is where we have to look at our relationships and really step back and zoom out and see, well, where's the accountability here? And I know I'm a part of this. I know I'm at least 50% of all situations that I am.
• 20:08
  that I'm in. I know I'm the common denominator in most of my, in all of my life experiences. And so you can begin to look at it with a little bit more compassion, love, and understanding, and begin to extend that empathy to other people in their position, because you can put yourself in their shoes and to see what they're experiencing and what they're going through and how they feel.
• 20:26
  I'm not asking you to feel what they feel, right? We don't want to put ourselves in that position to enmesh ourselves in someone else, right? I end here. You begin here. I can recognize that you're going through something significant or you're going through some challenges or you feel insecure within the relationship, but I'm offering you security. I'm offering you safety. I'm offering you who I am, and I'm showing up, and I'm present with you in this moment. And not everybody can accept that level of presence. It actually makes them run.
• 20:57
  and they go in the opposite direction. I'm going to give you a real world example and you know this, but I'm going to say this to the listeners and most of the loyal listeners have heard this, but I just want to reiterate to use the real world example of myself and what you just said. So I always, uh, um, attracted avoidance, emotionally unavailable women. And it was my culpability of me pulling away and looking at it instead of blaming them for not. Doing the work on themselves. I looked at myself and said, why am I doing this? And it started with.
• 21:27
  quitting alcohol because I think avoidance and alcohol are pretty, because they don't want to deal with their feelings, just drink is what it is. Started with the alcohol and then really, really looking at myself, loving myself, and then saying no when you have a conversation with a quote unquote avoidant.
• 21:48
  and they can't be emotionally, they can't have the emotional conversation. That was the hardest thing to unlearn because that feels like my mother. It feels like the love that I was trying, that I was looking for forever. And now I giggle because if I meet somebody out about and I ask a few emotionally tough questions and they can't answer it, no matter how beautiful they are, no matter what they have to offer,
• 22:11
  I'm out. I got to go. And you signal the universe. Don't send me these anymore because I am going to fall for that trick. So literally now I have a million people coming to me that have done the work on themselves. And it's so attractive and beautiful. And but it's unfamiliar. So then now I'm working on.
• 22:32
  Understanding that, hey, I don't have that trigger anymore as a child. I don't it doesn't feel like home, which is a good thing because my home life sucked. And I say, OK, I got to be comfortable with this, quote unquote, being boring.
• 22:48
  There's no chaos, it's peaceful. It's an adult conversation with two people who are whole co-creating, leaning into each other, who aren't gonna run, and that was the weird thing. First time I saw it got difficult, and the person didn't run, they weren't the avoidant, and run away, I was like, oh!
• 23:07
  This is what healing looks and feels like. It's amazing. So everything Jason just said, I'm a real world example. I am practicing it and it feels amazing. So doing the work on yourself, which is what we're going to go into. We're going to take a quick little deviation because you said something about happiness. We all want to be happy. What does happiness look like to you? Define it for me.
• 23:36
  Oh, Kelly, that's such a difficult question because I think for so much of my life, I was living in that in the programming and the autopilot. And I was frustrated and you find yourself, you know, looking upward and asking, you know, why am I in this situation? What is going on? What can I do different? I don't understand.
• 24:00
  And you're in these repeated patterns over and over and over and over again. And there was this moment for me where I'm driving in my truck, the windows are down, and I'm by myself. The music's off, but it's a beautiful day. It's a spring breeze coming in through the windows. And it just hit me that I'm the common denominator in all of my life's experiences. And so there was this.
• 24:22
  this radical acceptance that occurred in that moment that I'm taking ownership of my life right now. I'm taking ownership of my experiences.
• 24:31
  And that's a really hard place for so many of us to get to because, again, we're living in the conditioned mind. We're in that place of autopilot. And so for me to look at me and be constructively critical of me and my experiences and to be honest about that with myself is the hardest thing that you're probably going to do in your healing journey. It's kind of the catalyst to that dark night of the soul where now you're looking at yourself and all the ugly parts of you.
• 25:00
  who you've been and who you were and who you're becoming and who you are in this present moment. And then you start to transition out of that dark night of a soul because now you're healing, you're growing, you're expanding, you're learning, you're developing.
• 25:16
  And you feel stronger. You feel more capable. You feel more competent. And you keep moving forward until you hit this place where you can start seeing a new future, a new timeline, a new opportunity. And that's, for me, where really the opportunity started to come in. And it's so funny. It's how you and I...
• 25:33
  how you and I met, I started asking people to be a part of the Blueprint Podcast. And these are people that you shouldn't have connection with. You shouldn't have contact. You know, I'm some random 45 year old dude in the middle of central Illinois, and I don't really have a podcast. I've only had a handful of episodes at that time. And I started asking people and they start saying yes, and we start moving through it. And even still, I struggle with that sense of self-worth that I'm worthy to be having these interactions and to be doing what I'm doing.
• 26:03
  And so it's a constant battle. And so when you ask about happiness, I'm grateful. I'm very grateful for all the opportunities that I've had because all of the failure to launches in my life, all of the difficulties that I had through those experiences that were primarily self-inflicted, by the way, right? We go through this and you learn so much about yourself. And I have gratitude for each of those moments that didn't work out, all of those things that didn't go well because it primed me to be in the position that I am now. And for that, I have gratitude.
• 26:32
  And what I've had to learn is joy and enjoy is happiness. Now, when joy isn't particularly modeled to you throughout your lifetime, it's something that's foreign to you and you don't know what it looks like. You don't know how to experience it because I've never seen anybody look at something and be in the moment and be present. And, you know, to be regulated and to be in that calming place of just accepting the moment for what it is and to be together together.
• 26:56
  you know, in this moment and sharing that energy with one another. And so I had to teach myself that and that's how take a walk with me really came to be. I got into this place where I started going for walks and I treated it like a walking meditation. My problem is overthinking. So as I'm overthinking all the time, I have all these things always going on. I would leave my phone at home and I'd leave my headphones at home and I would not read any of the numbers on the house or any of the signs.
• 27:21
  Because once I read a sign, then the thinking starts again. So I would focus on the horizon in front of me and I would use that as a walking meditation. And in that walking meditation, I found joy. And in that joy, I find happiness. And so now I walk anywhere from six to 12 miles a day with a ruck on my back, 30 pounds, and I enjoy it. And that's where I find happiness. That's where I find peace. And it's even better when I get to bring my dog Chloe with me.
• 27:46
  So happiness is in the process of who you're becoming. I love that. It's, you know, for me, it's just, I just realized when I was listening to you talk that happiness for me is just being at peace because I've never had peace in my life. That is the most happy point. Right here, right now, talking to you behind a microphone, I'm as happy as can be. A couple of things you said,
• 28:09
  You know, we point one finger away, three are pointing right back at you. Stop looking out the window and look in the mirror because you're the common denominator. You said that over and over and stop being a victim and be the victor. Those are just a couple of things that I took away from that. So we're going to we're going to flip to your specialty. And there's three questions. Why? What's self-love? Why is it so important? How can the listeners obtain your self-love handbook? And what is it exactly?
• 28:44
  Self-love. So I'll start with, I have a 21 day self-love challenge. And in that challenge, I was able to bring on over 22 different guests. There are authors, therapists, coaches, you were one of them, and everyone shared their definition of self-love. And so I think it's subjective. I think it's one of those things that each one of you has to come up with your own definition of what that looks like. And so for me,
• 29:11
  It's taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It's looking at each of those things as individual cups that I'm going to fill each day or I'm going to add to over a long period of time because it has compounding interest. So the more effort that we put into building and cultivating ourselves in all of those different areas, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and you're pouring in to each of those cups, as time goes on, once again, you feel yourself becoming and feeling more whole.
• 29:40
  Now, I want to remind everybody, you're already worthy, whole, and complete as you are. You were born that way. We just don't recognize it. We go through life having all of these different experiences that give us the evidence and all the reasons why I'm not worthy, why I'm not complete, why I'm not whole. And then we take in all of this media that tells us that you have to find the one. The one is something outside of you. And then that's going to be what builds you up in the long term. And that's going to be what creates and cultivates your happiness. And that's inaccurate.
• 30:10
  you create that and cultivate that within yourself. And it takes time and it takes effort and it takes daily practice. And it's something that you have to hone. Each of these things I look at as skills that we have to hone, that we were never given, that were never modeled to us. We didn't experience them. And so you find yourself later on in life feeling emotionally immature.
• 30:32
  or immature in a lot of different ways where you might be great in your career, make all the money in the world. You're doing fantastic on every level, but your relationships falter every single time because you don't have the skills or abilities to develop healthy relationships because it was never modeled. You don't know what it looks like. You don't know what it feels like. You don't know what it tastes like. You can't see it. And if you can't see it, you can't be it. And it's going to be really hard for you to develop
• 30:56
  you know, the skills that lead you up to that place. So you have to recognize what they are and then start reading books, listening to podcasts, go to therapy, get a coach. There's a million and one things that you can do for you. They're going to help you build into your own self-love and building that definition for yourself of what that looks like. So for me, it's getting up every day. It's journaling. It's going and working out in my basement. It's doing my, my take a walk with me videos and getting out every day and being out in nature.
• 31:26
  that fills me up, that builds me up, and I love every aspect of that. Now you asked about the Self Love Handbook. It's fire, by the way, I've seen it, I'm teeing it up because I'm hot.
• 31:44
  No, so the Self Love Handbook is an 87 page PDF document. It's not, you can print it out, it's not a book, but it's something that you get right away. You can get that in my stand store, which is the link in my bio. And we just go through and it's a workbook. And so in the very beginning, it starts out with good vibrations or intentions. And we ask questions like, well, why did I purchase this guide? Am I ready for self reflection and change? What specific challenges or patterns?
• 32:11
  Am I hoping to address? And so we're setting the intention for the use of the entire 87 page handbook for what, where we're starting, where, what you're starting with, and then where you're going and where you want to end up, but it's interactive. And so you have to put in the effort in each page and answer all the questions and be honest. One of the things in the 21 day self-love challenge somebody did so beautifully recently, and they shared their experience in the closed group was,
• 32:40
  that they started working out. And we talk about not doing things too quickly because when you add too many things all at the same time, which so many of us do at the beginning of the new year with our resolutions, I'm going to do 20 different things. It's going to be amazing. I'm going to do it all right now. And then two weeks into the year we've already quit because we've gone into our default mindset. We've gone back to our default programming because we hit, we hit the impediment.
• 33:05
  And now that we've hit that wall, I don't know where to go, what to do or how to do it. So I'm going to drop back to what I was doing because at least I know what's going to happen. And so the person in the group, she came back and said, I just didn't have, I wasn't into my workout. I was only half in to the workout when I did it the other day. And so I'm going to set the intention tomorrow that I'm still going to show up. I'm still going to work out. I'm still going to put in the effort. But I'm setting the intention that I'm going to be present in that workout and that I'm going to do it tomorrow.
• 33:32
  with the greatest of intentions. And I just thought that was so beautiful to be honest with yourself about what you're experiencing. So now you've, you've zoomed out, you've become the observer, you're watching yourself, you know what you're doing, you're admitting it right there. And you're just being honest with, yeah, you know what? My heart wasn't into it. And if you could do that in all the different aspects of your life, think about how much change could happen and how quickly if you were just honest with yourself. Yeah.
• 34:00
  87-page document sounds daunting, but it flows really well. I've seen it. It's interactive. It's simple. It's beautiful. It's just how detailed Jason is. That's why I remind people it is a PDF. So, I mean, as you're scrolling, it goes pretty well. Yeah, it's cool as can be, man. The link will be in the show notes. Another thing that you said, everything that you require in life you have inside, you know,
• 34:23
  and you said hitting that proverbial wall, that is when you plow right through it. I constantly say, face your fears, live your dreams. Those are being the buffalo, keep going. And on the other side of that uncomfortability, other side of that heart is the growth, is what you seek. So this wouldn't be- And that's being harder than- Yeah, man, that shameless plug. This wouldn't be a dating and relationship podcast episode if we didn't discuss boundaries.
• 34:51
  Why is it important for both parties to have boundaries that are enforced? And what does a boundary not enforced look like? Oh man. I'll be honest. I'm not a boundary expert. So anything that I say here is going to be anecdotal, but I think it's important to remember or try to get to the place where you understand this is where I end and you begin.
• 35:18
  And it's something that for myself, I've had to repeat that, you know, this is who I am. I'm my own person. I can acknowledge and recognize when something's not working out for me, when it doesn't feel good. I go into the body. I'm able to feel it.
• 35:32
  I'm honoring my intuition and my inner guidance system. And it's like you said earlier, where you were dating all these avoidance and you started to recognize that there's a pattern, there's a behavior, there's a circumstance, there's something that you don't like, you actually feel it inside of you. Well, then you started to honor
• 35:49
  what you were feeling and what it was telling you was, you know what, this, this isn't for me. This doesn't feel good. So I might not be able to articulate it fully of what I'm experiencing, but I know I don't like it. And so I'm going to give myself a different experience. And so that can look like stepping up and saying no and acknowledging that, yeah, this isn't for me and this doesn't feel good. And I don't want this relationship or I don't like aspects of this relationship.
• 36:13
  Now, that sounds like we want all relationships to end every single time. That's not what I'm saying. It's just an acknowledgement of what's working and what's not working. It's zooming out, being an observer, and then looking at problem solutions. So if there's something that you're experiencing with somebody else and you don't like it, it's recognizing that.
• 36:32
  They have their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They have their own inner world. And if you don't acknowledge that, then it's going to be really hard for you to cultivate relationships because you're going to constantly be thinking, they think how I think. They feel how I feel. So if I'm in love, they must be in love. Well, we all have different definitions of love, and we all grew up in different households.
• 36:49
  Thank goodness, because that would be weird. Right. And so we have all these different definitions of love out there and what that looks like. And if you don't ask somebody what their definition of love is, then it's going to be really hard for them to be able to meet that in the relationship. I just I just figured out a definition of boundary for you because you just it's the reverse of what you said, but very similar. It says this is where I begin and you're not allowed. I wouldn't I won't allow anybody to cross it. That's your boundary.
• 37:16
  This is where I begin and I will not back up. Well, so I use that more for people who tend to lose themselves in relationships because we do talk about a lot about self-regulation and co-regulation. So we want to be able to co-regulate with somebody else. And that can look like we're going to go in for a 30 second hug. 30 seconds is a really long time when you're someone who is dysregulated, when you're more avoidant in relationships and you just want to pull away because it does not feel good. It's too much.
• 37:46
  And so we want to start to lean into that to be able to co-regulate with other people. So, you know, and that can feel like it's crossing a boundary. And so we, in order to, in order to co-regulate, you have to be willing to cross your own internal boundary of what feels good and what doesn't feel good necessarily. But we want to make sure that we're doing it with somebody that, you know, obviously that we trust, that we care about, that we're in a relationship with, that we have intention with. And, you know, that it's a safe and secure situation.
• 38:15
  Jay, what is a common myth in dating? Like, I'll never find somebody. That's a common myth. What is the most common you're seeing in the people you're working with? Man.
• 38:30
  So one of the things I've started doing most recently is I'm working with more men and I'm being intentional with that because so many of them are coming to me and they're identifying more with a, with an anxious attachment style. And historically what we see in literature is that men are typically avoidant and they, they pull away and they do all these things. But, um,
• 38:51
  And it could just be my content, right? That people that have a more anxious, attachment style would be attracted to the content because they're looking to grow and learn and expand and become different. But they're struggling so much with their belief in themselves and, you know, just who they are and how they're showing up and what type of person they are. And they have all this evidence right now that,
• 39:14
  that shows that the world doesn't support them, that nobody wants to be with them, that I'm never going to be good enough for a relationship because all of my relationships fail for all of these reasons. And then we tell ourselves, well, I'm a great person and I'm a nice guy and I'm all of these things. And so there's this deep-rooted struggle that they've been going through for all of their lives.
• 39:36
  I think the biggest thing for them is just they've started cultivating through my content a certain level of self-awareness, which has been amazing to see them start to reach out and they're booking their discovery calls. And I've had 15 of them so far in the past two weeks, which has been fantastic to be able to speak to all of these different people about the circumstances and what they're going through. But there's so much pain there.
• 40:01
  that they're experiencing. And I don't think we talk enough about that. We get into the fun stuff, we get into the myths and all this other stuff, but we're not looking at what people are actually experiencing. And so I think it's really important to start to look at, more and more men appear to be, based off of my content, more anxiously attached, but they're also coming to me and looking for that change. They're looking for guidance, they're looking to grow, expand and become different.
• 40:27
  And I think that's something to be admired in. I wish more people could, could see that because we're so quick to dismiss people. Oh, well, he's such a nice guy and he's all these things. And it's like, well, we know the nice guy is more unintentionally of a manipulator, right? Cause it's, it's getting what you want. It's having expectations. It's giving for receiving, right? It's giving so that I can receive. And so I,
• 40:52
  the shift that needs to happen is that you want to see everybody be happy, healthy, wealthy, and well, right? I care about you. I want to see you be happy, healthy, wealthy, and well, I want you to live the life that you want to live.
• 41:04
  But I recognize that relationships are reciprocal. And so if I'm not receiving within the context of that relationship, this goes back to intention, right? But if I'm not receiving, the other person's not into it. They're not showing up. That's an important thing to recognize. If somebody's not into it, it doesn't mean try harder, put in more effort. It means to step back, be honest with yourself. And I know you don't want to take the hit of being rejected, but...
• 41:33
  What can you learn from that experience? How can you grow from that? And how can you use it to build you up? Again, a rejection is just a redirection. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you necessarily, right? But that's what we tell ourselves. And so for anybody that's listening to this, if you're a man who's struggling with an insecure attachment style, you lean more anxious and you're frustrated in the moment, let this be a little dose of self-awareness for you and recognizing that
• 42:01
  You're giving to get something in return. And so when you get to the place where you feel secure within yourself, you feel capable, you feel competent, we build self-love, right? We're pouring into all of those cups physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You're going to show up differently and you're going to have different types of relationships. You're going to attract different people into your life.
• 42:20
  Again, I'm a living proof of what you just said is true. I am so stubborn. I was I grew up always fighting. It was I had to fight for everything I've ever had. So the harder I worked, the more I got rewarded. So I went and chased after women that would give you the signs that, hey, they're emotionally available and I would try harder. So what you said was very paramount and very and it fit with me right away. So the moment I actually have to
• 42:48
  really, really pour into somebody, I know that they're more than likely avoidant, and I move on to the next one because it is equal parts. It really is each person 100%.
• 43:00
  into each other. So, um, well, I, I also want to, I just want to keep reiterating this. I want people to, when you experience that, right, you're going to continue to experience that the rest of your life. It's just a more natural thing to us that even as we do the work, we're still going to have these moments and these experiences and people that come into our life that are going to challenge us in all of these different ways. And you're going to get presented with this thing again, down the road.
• 43:24
  And it's how you can zoom out and observe. You're going to take it out. You're going to look at it. You're going to see if it's for you. You're going to acknowledge some of the things that are going on. We're going to have a conversation with the other person about the relationship, about our intentions, and see if this is somebody that I can grow with. Are they curious about me and the world that they live in? Because if they're curious, but they're a little avoidant, right? Or you're struggling in the relationship, but they're still curious and they're like, well, yeah, I want to do this with you. I do want to figure this out, you know?
• 43:52
  they are going to read the book attached and, and all the other stuff, right? They're willing to go to therapy. Then that's somebody that you can work with. But generally when they, they pull away, they're not willing to do the work. They start blaming you. There's a lot of criticism. Then that's really a good sign that, yeah, you know what? That's not for me. That's not going to work. You just said that the number one thing is willing to have that, that,
• 44:13
  quote unquote, tough conversation, but it shouldn't be that tough. What are your intentions? What are your goals? And if they can't have that, that is a red flag immediately. Times are going to get tough. And if they can't do it at a time when it's not tough, then that's just an absolute... Well, it feels like a tough conversation because it feels like a threat to your nervous system. Yeah, I get that. I get that. You know, that abandonment and rejection. What I heard you say in the common myth of dating is that men...
• 44:43
  be vulnerable and be comfortable in their feminine and allow. That's what I heard. Is that a good paraphrase?
• 44:55
  I think it, so I would reverse it and say it's more stepping into their masculine frame and understanding what that is. And so there's a certain, we often get this confused because when we talk about stoicism, people are like, yeah, that's just stuffing down your feelings. It's like, no, it's actually, if you dive into it a little bit more, it's about managing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions and recognizing that, yeah, there's things that exist. There's some discomfort. It's becoming a.
• 45:20
  you know, it's equanimity, right? Strength in the face of adversity, where you're becoming anti-fragile, you're developing the tools of resilience. And so you're showing up in ways that show your strength, your capability, but you can also show up within a relationship and be comfortable in that place where, you know, you would settle into your feminine, like when you have children, right? Because it brings up something completely different in you that you've never experienced before, where you are going to settle into that and be more of a nurturer in that experience.
• 45:49
  At the same time, you're still going to have those protective aspects. And so we try to push these things and make them bad and make them not good. But what we want is for men to start settling into who they really are, what's authentic for you. And I've had this conversation with several therapists at this point. If you're somebody who, if you're a man and you lean more feminine,
• 46:08
  Great. Good. Accept that about yourself. And when you accept that about yourself and you start showing up in that frame because that's who you are and you accept that and you allow people to experience that of you and you're not questioning yourself because you have the confidence of being who you are, that is masculine. That's masculinity.
• 46:30
  But we have all these other people out on the peripheral, right, and up in the balcony yelling, oh, no, you can't do that. You've got to be this guy. You've got to be, you know, it's got to be 300. You've got to be a Spartan. And it's like, no, you need to be who you are. You need to show up as you are, and you need to have strength and confidence in who that person is. And nobody gets to tell you who that person is. They don't get to tell you who you are. You tell them who you are, and they choose whether they want to accept that or not. You said something, managing emotions, right?
• 46:58
  Stoicism, I believe true managing emotions, obviously you just said I'm a reiterated, isn't stuffing them down. It's literally accepting them. You said that a little later. Naming them. If you name them, they're going to power away from them. And they're going to happen. And I'm healed. I've done a lot of work. I still get triggered. And I still have emotions.
• 47:20
  but they don't overcome me. They don't consume me. It lasts about seven seconds and I have all the tools to overcome it. So doing the work works, but I wanna talk about dating apps. Do they work? And if so, what are your best recommendations?
• 47:41
  You know, Sabrina and I have had this conversation over and over again because, you know, dating apps just are what they are. I think it's if you're younger, it's probably a little bit better of an experience. If you're older, it's much more challenging because the demographic is limited.
• 48:00
  And you find yourself again, that fear of missing out. You find yourself looking, well, you live in the central United States, but you're looking in California and Florida and all these places that you don't plan on living and you're not going to move there. So you're setting yourself up for this long distance relationship. And, you know, again, it's your intentions with dating and what you really want to have from it. So in the inner cities, it's a much better place. I lived in Chicago for a long time and dating apps were great. It was a great way to meet people. Um,
• 48:30
  And there's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm realizing as you get older, you see a lot of the same or similar faces that have been on the apps for a very long time. And so for me, I'd much rather meet people out in the world. And you and I have had this conversation. It's, you're in this, we're both in this place of becoming, right? We're developing, we're growing, we're expanding, we're doing things that maybe we haven't done before. We're developing podcasts, we're putting out content, we're meeting new and different people. And in that expansion, right?
• 48:59
  you are being elevated.
• 49:01
  on an energetic level. And as you continue to elevate and grow and expand, and you end up meeting new people that get put in front of you and new opportunities open up to you. And so, and you spoke with John Assaraf recently, and you know, he's the king of manifestation and bringing things in and building that up and the opportunities that are out there for you. So I would encourage people to just look at who you are, where you're going, what you're doing, know your intentions for dating. And if dating apps work for you, I think it's wonderful, use them.
• 49:31
  But if you're somebody who would rather meet someone at a yoga studio or out running, then do that. It's really coming down to what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? What do you like to experience? And then what are your intentions for dating? You know, I've sitting here listening to you thinking, and I just realized that what I'm doing right now, and you call it growth and growing and becoming, I'm actually unlearning all the protective things.
• 50:01
  armor and ego and filters that kept me quote unquote safe and surviving i'm realizing i'm not in that survival mode anymore and i'm unbecoming and things and allowing and trusting and that's what self-love is bro yeah yeah that that unlearning is probably the most difficult part
• 50:28
  Because you're questioning everything about yourself. You just hit me in the gut. You're right. It's a breakdown because, again, those old patterns are dying. And that's why I always say you're in a state of becoming. You're always in a state of becoming. But who you become is always up to you. It's a choice that you make each and every day. And you have chosen to make the choices that are right for you. And I admire that about you, Ken. I see you, man. I perceive that. I appreciate it. It's amazing.
• 50:57
  I've become addicted to this growth and giving. It is fun. How many retreats you got planned this year? I haven't had a lot, several. I have not, I've yet to reach a ceiling. There's not a ceiling of how much more peace there is.
• 51:14
  love and just abundance that one can have. I have yet to see it. It keeps getting greater. And as this year's word for me, limitless. So I plan on pushing through the fricking ceiling. What are some projects or initiatives that you're currently working on or excited about?
• 51:35
  I think the biggest thing right now is the Antares Society, which is three months of group coaching for men who are struggling with an insecure attachment style. And I've had a lot of people reach out to me all from different types of backgrounds, but I seem to attract more of the military first responder, which would make sense, giving my past background. Yeah.
• 51:58
  But I love that opportunity to be able to talk with these men and to try and figure out what's next for you. Because you've been struggling for so long. You've had all these difficulties. You're in a place of pain. And I know that pain intimately well. And so it's just recognizing what are your goals? What are your dreams? What are your desires? What's next for you? It's recognizing that there's hope. And so we have to cultivate hope.
• 52:21
  And that's really the message that I try to send to them in these discovery calls because I'm getting met with so much pain, so much adversity. And, you know, just they're feeling broken down completely to like the lowest level that they can possibly get. And so it's interjecting a little bit of hope and joy and joy.
• 52:44
  It's just really hard, man, to hear people's stories. And I wish I could share more of what I've been getting from them, but it's that's really the limit of what I can share. Just so you know this, 90 percent of my audience right now is men. It's going to it's starting to shift rapidly. But now what's the because?
• 53:04
  Guys, I'm going to tell you right now, vulnerability is cool. Working on yourself is awesome. There is not a week. This is not a weakness. You know, remember how therapy used to be frowned upon? Oh, my God. You're seeing a therapist. Man, I've done every kind of modality. This is your life. And you're your greatest person.
• 53:25
  possession, you're your greatest work of art. They tell you when you got an airplane, put your mask on before you can help anybody else. Get yourself whole, you'll be a better person, a better father, a better husband, a better community leader, a better everything. So lean into this stuff. And if you're not fulfilling your live streams, reach out to Jason and work on his program. Jason, real quick, just cause I like to, I don't want any tire kickers to reach out to you.
• 53:54
  What does the price of this system, of your thing cost? Ballpark. So I don't mind the tire kickers. I've actually got it set up so that you have to fill out an application first. It's one of those things. It does cost a little bit of money. And it's three months where you're going to get access to my network, which you've seen through the podcast and the 21 Day Self-Love Challenge of people that are going to come in.
• 54:21
  and give you some of the knowledge and experience and growth opportunities that maybe you've missed over the years. And so that's the opportunity that we have here. You can fill out the application on the application. It'll ask, you know, what is your current income? Because I is. Yes, this is a business. Yes, I do make money on this. But if you make fifty thousand dollars, this might not be the right opportunity for you at this time.
• 54:47
  So what you would do is get all the free content. There's so much free content out there. There's your podcast. There's my podcast. There's so many amazing people out there. YouTube videos. Different therapists are putting out their own content. So there's a lot of opportunity for growth for free.
• 55:02
  And then as you grow, you develop, you expand, and you continue to do those things, then you can reach out for this type of coaching. But three months is not cheap. It's a lot of effort. It's a lot of time. It's a lot of buildup. It's a lot of material. And it's going to be an amazing opportunity. I only allow 20 people at a time to be in, and I'm only doing this twice a year.
• 55:25
  I got to tell you, money won't buy you happiness, but happiness will make you money. So if you invest in yourself and you get yourself happy, it's the best money ever spent. I am well into the six figures of things, of therapy, of...
• 55:43
  workshops of of workout things just I know what makes me happy and that's what all goes into this peace freedom and clarity but then I'm able to help a lot more people and we're going to raise a million dollars for charity so that doesn't come without violent and lots and lots of work on yourself so uh having said that what's one thing about you personally that people might be surprised to know I bet you I know what you're going to say surprised to know
• 56:14
  I don't know. What do you think people are going to say? Master chef. Yeah. So, yeah. So that's a part of my old life, right? It's an old identity that I had and it was a chef for a long time, did restaurant or magazine quality food out in the field, which was again, great experience and a lot of fun. But I think what's interesting about that is you,
• 56:42
  That used to be really difficult. I actually ended up hating it, hating it over a period of time. So now, later in life, I truly enjoy being able to cook. It's a place for peace and tranquility. It's a way for self-regulation. And I would actually encourage people, if you don't cook for yourself,
• 57:00
  learn, just learn. There's, again, there's so many opportunities on YouTube and all the different places to learn how to cook. But as you dive into it, it's one of the ultimate forms of self-care because you're putting the effort into yourself. You're telling yourself that you were worth it. You're going out, you're buying the food, you're preparing the food, you're looking at a recipe, you're going through the recipe, you're teaching yourself how to do something. And that's what life is all about. You're growing, you're teaching, you're developing, you're expanding, and you're telling yourself that you're worth it. So
• 57:29
  go cook for yourself and learn to enjoy it. It's a bonding time as well. You know, I remember a past girlfriend where we would cook together and that's where we would talk and we would have those kitchen dance parties. And now I do that with my daughter and heck,
• 57:48
  When you come over, we may not have a dance party, but we're gonna be talking while we're preparing a meal. And it's just a bonding time. Little known fact about me is I have breakfast, sit down breakfast and sit down dinner with my daughter every night, or every morning and every night. So that's time that we get together where there's no phones, there's nobody interrupts that. That's just good times. So I would tell you one more is that
• 58:15
  Despite you being 45 year old bearded man in the middle of Illinois, you're really absolutely a kind, giving, beautiful soul. So I would like everybody to know that. And it takes,
• 58:31
  a person like that to be able to give and feed other people so when you come to you you really are um just a kind receiving person and that's what you're gonna get uh when you work with jason and he's i i i've interviewed a lot of people his methods work i highly recommend it they are seagull supported and um i just love the love the heck out of you and i think the world of you i know that you're
• 58:59
  You're working, you took us off and great things. This is going to be a big year for you, my brother, and I know it. I think so. I'm going to put you on the spot, though. How do you hope to make a difference or contribute to promoting everlasting love and lower the divorce rate?
• 59:15
  I don't know that we can lower the divorce rate. That gets into a whole other slew of conversation. Again, the most profound change that we can possibly have is you focusing on you, becoming you, becoming the best version of you.
• 59:32
  And as you do that physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, it's the same conversation I had with a holistic psychologist as we went through this. The biggest difference that you will ever make in your life is working on you. You are your own best project. It's not other people. It's not other things. It is you. So when you've,
• 59:47
  When you tell yourself that you're worthy, that you're capable, that you're competent, that you can do this, that this is meant for you, and you stop listening to all the things that are outside of you, because there's always going to be evidence for all the reasons why you can't do something and why you shouldn't be something, because people will line up to tell you what you're not capable of. And so you have to believe that that is already within you, that it's already yours, that you're capable of achieving it, and that you are your own best project to continue to work on for the rest of your life.
• 1:00:17
  Love yourself like your life depends on it because it does folks. Cause it does. I asked Sabrina and Stefanos this, why do people jump from relationship to relationship and what should they do instead?
• 1:00:31
  Oh, man. There's so many different reasons why somebody would jump from relationship to the relationship. Oftentimes, we're dysregulated. We're not comfortable within our own skin. We need that comfortability of having somebody near us or next to us or in our lives. And we actually use that, right? All the texting, right? I'm going to text you all day long, 24-7.
• 1:00:54
  And when that relationship ends, I've already got somebody on the backup line that's, you know, right in line for texting that I kind of text throughout the week anyway. And so we got all these things going on and we're trying to regulate ourselves through other people.
• 1:01:06
  And then it creates all this chaotic behavior within the context of a relationship. So it's really, we're not comfortable in our own skin. We're not comfortable with ourselves. And it gets rooted back all the way to all different types of trauma and different experiences that we have throughout our lifetime. So I would also encourage people, if you're in an on and off again relationship, it's kind of that same experience where why do you want to be in that on again, off again relationship?
• 1:01:33
  I make the jokes all the time because my account uses humor to express the dating and relationship trials and tribulations that we all have, that we all experience. And some people find it funny. Other people, they're like, that's not funny. I'm just like, chill out. It's funny.
• 1:01:52
  Yeah, but we use that to show people some of the common dynamics. And what I've found is that as more and more people see this type of content and they recognize that you can use humor to show those experiences, that they're coming to me and saying, hey, man, I'm more on the avoidant end of the spectrum. And they're not in the comments section. They're in my DMs and they're in my emails, right? Because they want the anonymity. They don't want people jamming it down their throats that you're a horrible person.
• 1:02:19
  Because that's what people do in the comment section. They just totally trash the avoidant, not recognizing that they have their own problems, issues, and concerns. But it's just great when they reach out and express that, hey, I saw that. I didn't know that was me. But now I recognize that as me. What do I do about it? And it's like, yes. So for all you anxious attachers out there that give me a hard time for my content, just recognize I'm doing you a massive favor. Because a lot of avoidance are coming to me and trying to figure themselves out.
• 1:02:47
  So you had a time, 18 months before you really knew somebody. Is there a recommended time that you should be alone before you jump into it? Coming out of one relationship before going into another, is there a recommended time frame or is it just...
• 1:03:03
  What do you, what do you, I would say enough time for you to process whatever that looks like for you, because all of us have a different set of tools and abilities and capabilities to, again, do that, that zoom out, observe what happened, look at what was going on. Can I have an honest conversation with myself? Can I recognize that closure is not real? It's not going to happen. It's not something that exists. Anytime you push for closure, you end up causing the other person to get defensive. And then they tell you something really horrible that you don't want to hear and
• 1:03:33
  And then it crushes you and your spirit. And they didn't mean it. They really didn't mean it. But they're so overwhelmed in that moment that they do that to get you away from them. So just recognizing that, you know what, when somebody says, yeah, this isn't for me. Cool. All right.
• 1:03:49
  Again, don't try harder. Just cool. They're not going to know what to do with that. And more often than not, they're going to come back to you and be like, hey, I miss you. Yeah, I bet you do. Right. But again, you don't want somebody that's like in and out of the relationship. So we want to be able to zoom out to look at it. Take as much time as you need. For some people, that could be two years.
• 1:04:10
  It was for me because I recognized that there were some deficiencies and things that I needed to work on, again, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and start filling my own cup and build self-love. Again, I couldn't be here unless I went through all of this stuff. And so through going through it, it honed me. It made me better. It made me stronger. But it also gave me unique perspectives from my own personal experiences, both on the job as a police officer and then in my personal life as well.
• 1:04:37
  So you just answered at the very end of the what's the common myth in dating, which is closure. Closure doesn't exist. Yeah. We got two more questions. We got to get out of here. What is the true meaning of love and how do we recognize it in relationships?
• 1:04:59
  That's a really difficult question, Kelly. True meaning. Again, it's subjective. It's going to be unique to everybody and what that means to you. And I would put it back on the couple. What are you co-creating? What are you building? Are you using the language of a shared mission and vision? And I think this is often what's missing in a lot of relationships is we're not co-creating. It's what can I get from you? What are you giving to me?
• 1:05:24
  We're expecting to receive instead of saying, you know what, we're going to be in this. So let's create a one, three and five year plan, 10 year plan of where we're going, what we're doing, why we're doing it. Then we're going to co-create it together. We're going to build a relationships that's rooted in interdependence, where you go out in the world, you do your thing and you do it successfully. And I go out in the world and I do my thing and I do it successfully. And 12 hours later, we come back together in the house. We share our day with one another, knowing that nobody did anything nefarious.
• 1:05:51
  in the background because we're in support of each other. We respect each other. We have a shared mission and vision. We know the path. We know where we're going. We know what we're doing and what we're going to accomplish. We know what we're building together and you're actually building, not trying to get or receive. That's beautiful. I got to tell you the things that I, the relationships that I see, it's always just, oh, they don't ruffle the feathers and they just allow me to be the, the,
• 1:06:17
  unhealed well that i am you see the two two unhealed people getting together doing unhealed things and that's love yeah no you see it every day too and it's just like well have fun with that for you i i love that i love that for you let me get the popcorn because this is going to get interesting all right uh how can people work with you besides of course and we didn't even talk about this hanging out in the heart of the life app
• 1:06:43
  I am cultivating, I need you to hopefully pop in there and throw some stuff. Part of the Heart of Life app is dating and relationships. I've got some of your content in there. You can see portions of your self-love journal and whatnot. But how can people work with you directly?
• 1:07:04
  To work with me directly, you can go to the link in my bio on all of my social media. I'm at jbirdfit. That's J-B-I-R-D-F-I-T. And you just click on my stand store and you'll have access to everything that I offer. I have a bunch of freebies that are available to you that provide a ton of value. I've got a journal in there, Seven Steps to Self-Love, and a few other things that I think you'll get a lot of enjoyment out of.
• 1:07:27
  I do one-on-one coaching as well. Then we have the 21 Day Self-Love Challenge, which if you haven't gotten that yet, you can go to my Facebook page and see all the testimonials on that of all the lives that were changing within the 21 Day Self-Love Challenge. And I think sometimes people just don't know what that means. So it's a closed group where you can interact with everybody and post the homework. It's over 30 hours of content with coaches, therapists, authors, and people who inspire me like you, Kelly, that share their stories of resilience.
• 1:07:57
  inside of the challenge. And it's also a course that spans 21 days. So it would behoove you to join that, get involved and start interacting with people who want to build and cultivate self-love. Jay, I got one question I didn't put in here and it just dawned on me because this is going to be very paramount for people. Not very often. It happens, but it's usually when someone's really beaten down will somebody come and admit that they don't love themselves.
• 1:08:25
  So how can someone who isn't sure or they think they love themselves discern the fact that they do or don't love themselves? Like you can tell with me, I love myself. I love me some me and I'm unapologetic about it. You can feel it. What about the average person who hasn't isn't as far along as I am? How could they know? Is there a specific way that you can say I love myself or not?
• 1:08:55
  I think for so many of us just as human beings that it is more of a spectrum. And so I think, yes, you can go to therapy. You can do the work. You can get a coach. You can read the books. You can do all the things. And, you know, there's going to be moments where you're like, yeah, I love myself. And it's freaking fantastic. And I love every moment. And I'm able to find joy and put myself in.
• 1:09:14
  in that place of being present with everything and everyone around me. And it almost feels like a superpower. And then we hit the place of, well, today's not that great of a day. And this is where the tools of resilience come in, where we're using breath work, we're using meditation, we're using mindfulness practices to help us navigate our dysregulated nervous system in that moment. Because we drop down into that place where, yeah, you know what? Today isn't the best thing.
• 1:09:41
  kind of day and I'm kind of struggling. I don't know why that is or what's happening in the moment. And so it's becoming that observer of your experience and learning that it's okay to have these experiences, but it's also important to acknowledge and recognize, well, why do I feel the way I feel and where do I feel it in the body? And what can I do right now that's going to be in support of my greatest good? And so it's developing those tools of resilience that are unique to each of you.
• 1:10:10
  You know, I just, again, I was able to sit here and think, and when you were seeing me look down, I was taking notes, and I would tell you that when you love yourself, you end up cultivating overall the life that you desire and want, and it just happens, and like you said, it's a super superpower, and it feels great, so we got to get out of here. I absolutely adored this conversation. This is, you got to really, everybody's got to listen to this over and over again. He bared his soul. These are
• 1:10:36
  real soft methods to really love yourself and build the life that you deserve. And again, please rate and share this podcast. I do my best to respond to all comments on all social platforms. So if you want to see more of something or less of something, leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the best and easiest IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. And until next week, be harder than life. Thank you, my brother.
• 1:11:08
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.