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Mental Health Matters Renew Your Mind, Renew Your Life - EP-018 - BOUNDARIES with Shelby Coley · Mental Health Matters - Overcomers.tv

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Celebrate what Jesus is doing throughout the nation, and rise
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  Speaker 1: Tune in to Overcomers TV on your favorite map or
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• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Mental Health Matters.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: You shall be Cooley this morning talking about boundaries on
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: my page is still trying to load up or to
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: answer and the call God is calling you to set
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: some boundaries in your life today.
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: Quite possible, quite possible, or reinforce the ones that are
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: in place that should have been in place.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Maybe mm hmm yeah sure, Yeah that's good. So tell
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: every a little bit about you and why we decided
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: to do this podcast once a month together.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm Shelby. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: in Farmington, New Mexico. You know, work very relationally, see
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: kind of really, I'll see anyone but love to pull
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: key important relationships in whenever possible, and really start to
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: build healthy and repertoire of communication skills and understanding of
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: our attachments and our how we connect, roleplay difficult conversations
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: and really walk through that relational piece of life with others.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: House teach a parenting class and the sexual behavior restoration class.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: So those things are exciting. Those are offered in the
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: evenings here in Farmington. But yeah, I think the topic
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: for today on boundaries, I think kind of just came
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: to mind just been seeing a lot of people, you know,
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: regularly we talk about anxiety and then something that can
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: really create a lot of anxieties when we don't have
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: good boundaries, And I think we say the word boundaries
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: and it's kind of like when we hear the word
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: self care, it's like what does that even mean? You know,
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: like what does that really look like? And so I
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: think having a healthy conversation on you know, what healthy
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  Speaker 3: boundaries look like in our relationships or you know, for
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  Speaker 3: our mental health to kind of reduce anxiety or whatever
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: that may be, as well as you know, maybe what
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: more of a biblical approach on boundaries, like are we
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: as believe we're supposed to have boundaries and If so,
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: what do those look like? Because I thought that'd be
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: a nice topic.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no doubt about it. And you know, just to
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: talk about counseling a little bit sometimes, you know, pride,
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: is it pride that sometimes may keep you from talking
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: with somebody about those boundaries. Maybe even some people might like,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: look at is it a sign of weakness? But having counselors,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: family counseling, individual counseling, small group, just to when you're
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: in those environments, usually you might get some suggestions about
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: reconsidering what boundaries are in place, adjusting them right. So,
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: I know, the Bible talks about safety and a multitude
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: of counselors. So and then we talk about godly counsel
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: versus ungodly people like people who don't go to church,
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: don't have a relationship with God and they're just carnal
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: and worldly. We've got to be careful with who we
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: get our count so from, because everybody has opinions, so
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: especially about boundaries, you know, sure.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, and well intending people right too, And we
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: can all find a different perspective on lots of different things.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: And so I think if we're looking for you know,
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: wise counsel and with Christians who have a Christian perspective,
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: there can be you know, wise counsel that can be
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: out of like foolish wisdom from the world, and that
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: that's maybe not what we're looking for. So as believers, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I think we have to have a really strong discernment
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: and a really high standard for the council that we accept, right. Yeah,
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: and sometimes we may get some counsel and we you know,
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: if it's making us question like our salvation or who
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: God is or if God is love like which probably uh,
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: get a different get a different word, you know because
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: that Yeah, I thought this morning even before coming on
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  Speaker 3: of like, you know, if someone's going anywhere that makes
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: the question their salva or the love of God, oh,
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: you know, pray that they would get go to someone else,
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: keep searching because you know that's very serious. But anyway,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: that's kind of another topic, I guess.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's it's funny and I don't want to
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  Speaker 2: you know, some people in your life, you know, everybody
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  Speaker 2: has an opinion. I mean, your friends are witnessing your
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: life and just making sure this is your website that
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: looks yeah with you good, Yeah, and just added it.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: So I love the name of the counseling New Creations yeah,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: and ewas fish fish yeah yeah. And and just for
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: the record, almost in twenty two thousand and one, so
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: we're like twenty five years ago. It was going to
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Calgary Chapel Fort Lauderdale and they had a Biblical counseling class,
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: thirty week class. It was a Bible college class. We
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: audited it. And man, I'll tell you, I've heard a
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: lot of preachers over the years, interviewed a lot of people,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: but there's certain things I've heard doctor Pastor John Shanelli
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: teach in that class I still remember to this day,
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: like was yesterday. It's really just the ability to be
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: a good listener and praying to the Holy Spirit. Like
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: because when people are talking and just dumping right, they're
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: just and you got to sit there and wait because
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: you can almost comment or jump on like four or
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: five things. And then at the end you have all right, Lord,
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: Holy Spirit, what's the one thing the most important thing
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  Speaker 2: we need to really address today? And then what verse?
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: You know, when to bring the Bible Verse into it.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: So I appreciate you your craft, if I could call
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: it a craft, your ministry, your job, vocation. Yeah, so
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  Speaker 2: giving counsel again Isaiah ninety six, he's the wonderful counselor
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  Speaker 2: we'll look at that verse. So one more thing before
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: you jump in. So today's Bible verse for the day.
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  Speaker 2: By the ways, Ephesians two ten two eight talks about
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  Speaker 2: being saved by grace. But two ten is amazing. We
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  Speaker 2: are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works
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  Speaker 2: which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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  Speaker 2: So what this plan sounds like? There's some boundaries. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: God has boundary for sure.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely, I think that's great. Right if we you know,
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  Speaker 3: boundaries protect the call in our lives. You know that
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  Speaker 3: we would not go astray. You know, there's a lot
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  Speaker 3: of there's unfortunately, right as we step into adulthood in
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  Speaker 3: any you know, plethora of ways, whether it's just launching
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: out of the home or you know, marriage or in
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  Speaker 3: laws or work environment or whatever it is, there's going
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: to be a time when something poses a threat maybe
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  Speaker 3: to our calling, to our mental health, to all these things.
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  Speaker 3: And some of us are naturally endowed with a good,
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  Speaker 3: healthy set of boundaries, a few of us, but other
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  Speaker 3: people it's extremely difficult. You mentioned, you know, I don't
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  Speaker 3: want to have boundaries that may say that I'm weak
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  Speaker 3: and I can't handle the full relationship, or you know,
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  Speaker 3: a lot. I think another big fear is if I
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: have boundaries, that I'll lose this relationship. Another opposite ended
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: fear on boundaries would be if I weaken my boundaries,
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to be hurt. So we'll have too strong
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: of boundaries or not, and then we're not an intimate
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: relationship with anyone and our boundaries are too strong. So yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I think it's a hard topic. I think a lot
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  Speaker 3: of times people are like, what does that even mean?
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  Speaker 3: And how do I even how do I set a boundary?
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  Speaker 3: You know, we really have to address all of those
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: things that come up in that question. That question when
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: someone asks how do I even set a boundary? You
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: know that the next question we will would stop you. Right, Okay,
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  Speaker 3: I'm fearful that they're not gonna like me anymore. So
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  Speaker 3: it's like, well, is our worth? Is our self worth
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  Speaker 3: tied up in other people placing value on us? Other
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  Speaker 3: people liking us? Do we feel like we're not worthy
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  Speaker 3: or we're not valuable if we don't have people in
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  Speaker 3: our lives? You know, glorifying us or honoring us or
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: liking us. Loving us, you know, is our concept of love?
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  Speaker 3: Like I'm not lovable, like really like unless I'm just
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  Speaker 3: pleasing everyone and just over extending, you know, all, I'm
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: not good enough, So I have to be open to
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: everyone to make me good enough. Another thought maybe would
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  Speaker 3: be again, you know what if someone takes this information
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  Speaker 3: and uses it against me? You know, it's like, well, okay,
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  Speaker 3: so is there a shame base there? Like there's like
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  Speaker 3: a I have, like carry a lot of shame and
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  Speaker 3: I don't want anyone to see these dark places of me.
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  Speaker 3: And so you kind of have to go into when
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: you ask that question, how do I set a boundary? Well?
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  Speaker 3: What what's that? I guess kind of fear or that belief?
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  Speaker 3: Like maybe it's like if I, if I set a boundary,
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  Speaker 3: then these people will fail. Well what does it say
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  Speaker 3: about me if these people fail? Well, then I failed,
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  Speaker 3: like I need to I'm responsible for them? Like that's
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: a negative, that's a false belief, right, that's not true.
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  Speaker 3: We're not responsible for anyone. Our value should not be
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  Speaker 3: tied up in other people liking us. We should be
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: able to share. And if someone thinks negatively about us.
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  Speaker 3: Does that really take my value, my worth away? Am
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  Speaker 3: I really condemned? Or am I really a bad? Am
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  Speaker 3: I really bad? Like you know? So, I think that
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  Speaker 3: when we talk about boundaries, typically we when we don't
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  Speaker 3: have boundaries, or we have two too many boundaries, there's
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  Speaker 3: a fear He's going on. There's something happening inside of
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: us that tells us, you know, we're going to lose something.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's funny you say that too many boundaries. That
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  Speaker 2: was actually the Pharisees problem. The first problem is they
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: didn't recognize Jesus as being Lord and savior. Second problem
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: from Malachi, the last Old Testament prophet to Matthew, it
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: was four hundred years of zero new scripture. God was
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: still speaking to and three rabbis, but no scripture was written.
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  Speaker 2: But during that four hundred years is when he started
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: developing synagogues instead of going all the way to the Temple,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: and they would meet on Saturdays the Sabbath to read
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: the scrolls. Not a bad thing to do, but you'll
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: read through the gospels as it was a custom of
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: the Jews. Jesus went into the synagogue to teach them
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: in their synagogue didn't even call it his synagogue and
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: he's Lord.
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  Speaker 4: Right.
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  Speaker 2: Interesting fun fact I just picked up on. But they
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  Speaker 2: wrote the Missionaic Law, which is all these extra extra
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: extra rules and regulations on top of the six hundred
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: and thirteen mosaic laws, mosaic Moses, mosaic Judaism be found
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: in Leviticus and Deuteronomy and all that. So they say
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: this Missonaic Law was about the size of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: And maybe I know, the new generation has no idea
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: what encyclopedias are unless they still have been libraries. Now
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: you just Wikipedia, Google this, Google that. But they have
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: fifteen hundred rules and what you can't do on the
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Sabbath day. That's why Jesus kept doing healings and stuff
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: on the Sabbath, which drove the Pharisees nuts. So from
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: a religious perspective, I might say a lot of times
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: there's extra boundaries, extra rules, extra regulations which really choke.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: From a spiritual abuse perfective perspective, so I would say
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: there was some spiritual abuse going on from the Pharisees,
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: and Jesus let them have it. We tried to pointed
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: out to him, try to correct them, and he just
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: weren't having it. So again the Christian Counseling Show. People
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: come from all kinds of backgrounds, super super super super
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: restrictive tight religion, and all of a sudden they're on
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: their own. And it's like Lucy Goosey, they got to
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: establish one. Are my boundaries in my household now that
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I'm starting a family? Any thoughts on some of that?
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think too many boundaries, right, Like we lose
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: we lose our ability to be relational. And God is
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: relational with us, right, That's the most important thing to
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: him is that we would be in relationship with him.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: We serve out of love. Everything is based on love.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: It's not based on control or anything other than relational.
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  Speaker 3: Love is all He really wants us. He wants to
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: talk to us, He wants to, you know, work things
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: out with us. He wants us to be the ones
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: who make decisions, like he doesn't want to control all
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: these things, and he wants us to have choice. He
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: wants us to do it because we love him, because
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: he loves us. So I think that, Yeah, I think
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: definitely looking back at all those rules and regulations, right,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: and I and another so I do a lot of
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: marriage counseling and speaking of of all of those extra
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: added laws that the Pharisees had added over all those years. Right,
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: there's a lot about divorce. So there's a common theme
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: thought that like God hates divorce right at all costs.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: I think that comes from passage in Malachi. I want
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: to say that was that verse and say that God
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: hates divorce, which I think people are good intending, right,
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: So so flash forward to.
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  Speaker 2: Well, while you're pausing to say, God hates everything you're
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: doing that makes your spouse want to divorce like that,
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Yes he does.
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  Speaker 3: That's such a good point too, because we could really
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: talk about that. Like the covenant between a man and
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: a world that God judges, he does not like when
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: we are outside of that covenant. So when I am
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: acting outside of my covenant of marriage, I think God
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: hates that more than if my husband were necessarily a
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: divorce me. Not really a soft statement, right like, but
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: my point is he hates everything that's making that I'm
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: doing outside of that covenant, right, which is to love
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  Speaker 3: and honor respect my husband, like you know, to be honest, forgiving,
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: like all the things that God would call me to do.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: Plus all the things that he would have me do
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: as a wife. He doesn't like any of the things
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: when I step outside that, But relationally, he's still gonna
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: love me and lead me back in right, right.
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  Speaker 2: So here's the rest of that verse, just for the record,
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  Speaker 2: for the lords of God of Israel, says I hate divorce.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: He hates divorce for it covers one's garment with violence,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: says the Lord of Host. Therefore, take heed to your
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: spirit that you do not deal treacherously. So there's the
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: bad behavior, dealing treacherously, would you like so?
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: And the reality of that is right, Like, it is
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: a violent act, you know, whenever we deal with when
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: I deal with divorce in my office, it's a it's
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: a true tragedy. It's one of the saddest things that
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: I think is happens right because it is the separation
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: of one flesh. It's tragic and it is destructive. It's sad.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: I think his heart breaks over a divorce, like I
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: think there's a weeping in a weariness that we would
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: break our covenant. But to say that he just hates divorce,
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: you have to stay married.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: It's not that's not that's too far, too far. On
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: one side.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, ye, not what he's saying. So Jesus back to
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: your point about all those added in laws. When Jesus
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: is speaking with the Phariseeason, they ask him, like, under
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: what circumstances should a man divorce his wife? And he's like,
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: none other than if they're sexual morality right, And that's
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: but if you really were to look back at historically,
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: there were laws saying that if your wife spoke too
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: loudly in the street, you could divorce her. If she
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: didn't her makeup, you could divorce her.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: Like absolutely, uncle, they had a list. They were changing
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: wives like they were changing underwear.
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: They were going apart exactly.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: And so I hope everybody changes their underwear out there.
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: That's some good God to counsel for you. Extra credit,
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: We won't charge for that.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: Very important. You should set boundaries with others. If they're
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: not changing their underwear right now, that's fine. But it's
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: so when he says that, he's like, y'all need to
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: knock it off, Like, first of all, you're testing me,
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: but I think just to take certain things out of
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: context and to say that is a no go.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: So you know you're back to you know, the idea
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: that we're all in this certain and we got to
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: keep this in mind. And God reminds me on a
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: regular basis, not everybody knows what I know, has heard
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: what I've heard, seen what I've seen. I've been studying
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: a lot for twenty seven years. And there's baby Christians.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: There's seasoned Christians that might be in the you know,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: forty years listening to sermons but still haven't even read
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: their Bible front of cover. But they've heard all kinds
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: of sermons and some good teaching, some overtaught it, understought
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: taught it. So you know, everybody's at this different place
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: in their journey and we got to be patient. Love
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: is patient, Love is kind with people. And again that's
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: why they said there's safety in a multitude of counselors,
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: including different pastors, because some people just say hang the
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: moon on some of their their pastor like he can
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: say no wrong. But listening to other teachers and having
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: other counselors balance some of these perspectives that you're talking
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: about is super important.
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: It is important. Yeah, that's what I heard. A teaching
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: I think from for insis Chan just kind of on that,
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: like you know when pastor is preaching. They come with
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: all of their own like insecurities, their past, all the things.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: So if they're really focused on, like you know that
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: we're all just people. At the end of the day,
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: God gives us a gift and we teach from our
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: own human minds and you know, souls whatever. But yeah,
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: I think anyone's gonna hit like you said, hang their
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: hand on a certain verse or whatever that speaks to them.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: There's a reason that they're doing that. We need to
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: be mindful multitude of counselors. Yes, but yeah, definitely. So
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: to your original point, yes, I think that there can
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: be too many, too many rules. I think that we
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: can have too many rules on people. Oh I'm going
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: to cut this person out of my life because they
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: don't agree with me, or they said that I should
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: put my kids to bed earlier, or they tried to
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: set like you know, GA gave my kids too much candy,
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: or you know whatever it is. It's like I'm just
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: gonna cut them out of my life. It's like, well,
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: that's not relationally healthy either. So that's kind of that.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: So would you say, like cancel culture. I mean that's
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: like a new thing maybe five years ten years most
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: maybe five where people just block, cancel at all, maybe
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: too quick, you know, unfriend and I think social media
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: kind of maybe introduced this concept, and there are some
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: people that you definitely want to block and they're just
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: you know, vile. I mean, uh, you know, so yeah anyway,
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: but maybe that trips over into really significant relationships like
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: family members. You know that that's probably the hardest part
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: is because again we have a shoot show later Abuse
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: Care with Tony Befogment live domestic abusers. Like one out
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: of three women are living with what they would call
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: it domestic abuse or could be a boyfriend or a husband.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: A ninety percent of women are trapped. You know. We've
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: heard about some real tragic endings, you know, murder, suicide.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: I mean, nobody saw that coming, like all of a
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: sudden boom and hits the headlines like this is there
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: was something crazy going on in his house and they
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: didn't get help. So that's why we talked. The show
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: is called mental health matters, what you're thinking, what you're feeling.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: You know, we got to check up from the neck up.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: My sociology teacher in high school used to say, we
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: got you know, we got to take a temperature, you
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: know what we're thinking, what are we meditating on, and
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: talk it out before the tragedy, before the train wreck
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: whatever that train wreck is. M definitely, yeah, that's boundaries.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: They're on the track, that's their boundary. You can't go
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: off the track.
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: For sure. Yeah, I think definitely, Yes, there are some
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: people that we do need to cut off, like for
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: safety concerns, and and some of that is mental health,
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: because there's mental and emotional abuse are also a real
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: a real thing, and there can be a lot of
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: damage done because we don't see it for a really
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: long time obviously physical abuse, like you know, and and
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: each one of these situations really needs to be taken
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: with care. Right again, God is a relational god. He's
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: not a black and white god. I really don't believe that.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: So I think each situation really is different. Again, seeking
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: that counsel, seeking someone to be able to help and
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: say this is healthy, this is not healthy, Hey, this
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: that is abusive, you know, and that's shocking to people
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: sometimes like it's like I knew it, but like I
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: you know, a lot of times people will feel that,
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: you know, people who've been mentally, emotionally, spiritually abused are Like,
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: there's a lot of excuse making that we do because
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: it's really uncomfortable to admit that someone that we love
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: would abuse us. And also sometimes those people who are abusive,
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: they don't know that they're being abusive. They're just people
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: trying to survive pain, hardship and learn some unhealthy coping skills.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: So, I think God has a heart for all things, right,
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: I try to have a heart for all things and
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: my practice. But also healthy boundaries are very important. We
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: need to know what we're up against.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Everything one on you that we haven't talked about. What
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: about like restraining orders that is a legal boundary being
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: set in place, and judgers and now attorneys get involved
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: and they'll grant one if you have a reason, just
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: asking for it with a decent reason, and they'll have
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: a hearing about it, like within a few weeks to
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: see if it should stand or not.
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's definitely a real a whole other can of
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: worms as well. Yes, I do see a lot of
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: being a family therapist, you know, I get lots of
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: referrals for court cases and all kinds of things, and
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: unfortunately I see a lot of abuse with restraining orders.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: Like a lot of people abusing them to custody and
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: things like that, and that's a real challenge, and so
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: lots of prayer over that. Right, Like it was only
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: orders when we're in danger, we wouldn't be doing it
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: to get get what we want. So that's a whole
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: other can of worms. But yes, there are times when
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: that's necessary too, and and so all in all things
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: in the right place and time. But ideally, what we
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: would be doing before we have to cut off from
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: a sister, a mother, a brother, child, a spouse, before
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: we have to get to that point of cutting off,
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: we would start learning how to set really healthy boundaries.
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: What are the things that I'm okay with and that
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: I'm not okay with? What are the things I have
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: good healthy boundaries in myself? So let's say, for instance,
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: I have a parent who is very critical. Maybe a
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: boundary that I have for myself I don't even set
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: with them is that, you know, I don't allow myself
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: to dwell on those things they're critical of my appearance
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: or my way. You know, I replace that with scripture.
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: It's a boundary that I don't allow myself to sit
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: with with those things. Right, And then of course, boundaries
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: with other people can be big, they can be really small,
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: like you know, maybe a boundary is like for yourself.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: You don't even have to share all these things. I
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: only spend time with my in laws once a month,
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: or I only know whatever it looks like, right, And
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: also like boundaries at work, like I won't work not
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: me specifically, I will not work past five pm, or
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: I will not work past on weekends, or you know,
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: if I work.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Till FIB five because that's the area code five O
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: five And by the way, that numbers scrolling for those
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: listening to the podcast Bible five four oh two six
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: eight eight six. And we have also an email scrolling
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: along a bottom New Creations n M, so that's new
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: k N e W Creations plural NM at gmail dot com.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: We want to learn more about where Shelby works and
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: her amazing team there.
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: For we do have a pretty amazing team and it
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: is getting more and more amazing all the time. It's
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: it's really great.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: You guys have a heart for people. That's what it started.
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, our owner has always always filling some gaps and
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: we've been really blessed lately. I feel like we've God's
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: really had us in a season of pruning and slowing
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: and filling and new fruit and new things. So it's
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: been a really exciting time. It's been a little bit
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: weird because a lot of us are very like quick,
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: like we're running around. We want to do all the
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: things right, and so to be in a season of like,
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: let's get some printing, it's some slow and steady so
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: that new fruit can come is been exciting. It's been
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: good for us.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: So I do all that. And when you were talking
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: about hours at work, that's important because you do have
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: daughters now, and a husband and a life, and I'm
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: sure with the amount of the caseload you have, your
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: mind could be consumed even after hours, thinking about deep
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: playing conversations you've had and praying for others, and yeah,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: not being in the moment with the time, you know,
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: So switching switching gears, being present with what's going on now.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: A net noticed that she'll tell me a story a
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: minute or two in and all of a sudden, I
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: guess I glaze over. She's like, are you still listening.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm sorry. You start daydreaming about up there,
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: thinking about all that. So those are boundaries too, right
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: with our mental health, definitely.
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: I think boundary with that is, you know, really important
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: for me to know, like when I'm leaving work that
• 27:12
  Speaker 3: I'm going home and I have another hat to put on,
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: and that that is a worthy hat. That's an important
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: thing that I have to do. So when I'm struggling
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: to keep those boundaries, you know, I'm going to breathe, right,
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: I'm going to let myself know like, hey, it's okay
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: to let this go. Hey, that's not your responsibility. And
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: if I'm taking home too much responsibility, it's probably healthy
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: for me to say, I'm going to get some counseling
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: and have an hour a week where I talk about
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: these things and let it live there. Right, That's a
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: good boundary for my work stresses, you know, or you
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: know whatever that ends up looking Like, there's lots of
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: different ways that we can have boundaries just for us
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: to even cope with other people. Rather than thinking like
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: I have to just tell this person this bad boundary
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: or this or that, Like, we can have really healthy
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: boundaries with how we let things affect us that other
• 28:05
  Speaker 3: people do as well. You know, we were talking about
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: as an agency, we were talking about self care and
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: how we do that with ourselves. And we were kind
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: of laughing because I was somewhat joking and we were
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: talking about self care, and I was like, well, one
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: thing I do is I just don't let myself feel
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: guilty about when I decide to take care of myself.
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: And we were kind of like making jokes like, oh,
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: I just dissociate all of that, like no, no, And
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: so we were kind of talking about whether or not
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: that was healthy. But I think that to a large degree, like,
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: you know, if I decide I'm going to take care
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: of my body, my mind, my soul, whatever it is,
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: that's important, right And so instead of feeling like, oh,
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: I should really be at work right now, like I'm like, no,
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: this is really important for me to do. And I'm
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: going to set this boundary with myself that I'm not
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: going to sit here in anxiety and guilt over you know,
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: taking time to eat right or taking time to work out.
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: I'm going to go and do those things because I
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: want my cup to overflow. I want to be I'm healthy.
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: So those boundaries where you know, I can't set a
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: boundary had one. I had a lady telling me that,
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: you know, we talked about anxiety and it's like, okay,
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: so let's talk about these coping skills. I was like,
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: that is giving me anxiety. I don't have time to breathe.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: Like right, yes, So we need to have boundaries with
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: certain things, like we do need to have time to breathe,
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: and I'm going to set a boundary with anything that
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: comes into my view that says that I'm not allowed
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: to breathe.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's good. Well, Shelby Cooley with New Creation Counseling,
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: Creations Counseling right within us.
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: New Creations Christian Countling.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: So that's been I missed the s on that, and
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: my wife just texted me because I told her, texted
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: her link to the show and had boundaries spelled wrong,
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: had it without the H E R instead of A
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: or I just that recorrected that. So she's my spell check.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: I don't see it sometimes, but I love our times
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: together and wise beyond your years. Super proud of you
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: and our partnership here in our local Jerusalem and farming
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: tend to shine a light, make a difference. I'd love
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: you to lead our viewers in prayer and I'll close
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: this sound good? Sure?
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, dear heavenly father, Lord, and just thank you for
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: this day, Just thank you for the opportunity to get
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: on here and to share and to speak, to possibly
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: be a light or you know, some drop of information,
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: encouragement whatever for the people that are listening today. Lord,
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: And just thank you that you are such a good God,
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: that you love all of us simultaneously and intimately and deeply,
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: that you would your heart would be for the purposes
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: that you have for us in our lives, or that
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: you would want us to be healthy and have life
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: abundantly in all areas. And I just thank you so much.
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: Or I just pray that we would be obedient to
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: the things that you've set before us, because that is
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: good for us.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Lord.
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: I just pray that those listening would be producing good fruit,
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: that they would get guidance and help and making that happen.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Lord.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: I just pray that any hurting or suffering, that there
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: would not be doing that alone, but that there would
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: be you know, fellowship and guidance in the midst of
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: all those things. Lord. So we just love you, we'd
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: praise you, would give the stay to you, We glorify
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: you and all.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: We do and Jesus Name, Amen, and Lord, I thank
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: you for the tools and technology to have these conversations
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: and allow others through these social media platforms to listen in.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: And here's something that would encourage them. And thank you
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: for your word the Bible and how it establishes boundaries,
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: especially for husbands and wives and those that are in
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: really tough places right now that you would find good
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: Christian counseling and whether it's at their church. And are
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: also just to pray because you are the wonderful counselor
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: you know how your Holy Spirit leads and speaks back.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: Thank you for being intimately acquainted with all of our
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: ways and knowing what we need even more than we do.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: So thank you for the way you speak in our
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: lives and just give you thanks and praise in Jesus Name. Amen, Amen, Amen,
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: good show to our next episode of Mental Health Matters.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: May you and your families be blessed. Thanks again, Shelby Bye,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: everybody Overcomers TV streaming now download our app on your
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