Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep18: The Fluffy Fix: Quick Laughs with Gabriel 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep18: The Fluffy Fix: Quick Laughs with Gabriel 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: So he lines me up with airport security and he tells me, I gotta let you go.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let me go.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta let you go.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let me go.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: So let me give you a heads up as to what has happened since the last time I did a special.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, my son Frankie is now 19 years old.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: 19 years old, high school graduate.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: He has all his shots, ladies.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: People tell me all the time, you know, why do you talk about your son so much?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Cause he won't leave.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Does he like it when you talk about him?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I said, no, he hates it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, why do you do it?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because he won't leave.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I know we're in the middle of a Netflix taping.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh whoever's running the light up there, um, just want to make sure, because I keep moving and I stepped out of your light twice.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Just any other show, I'd be like, no problem, no big deal.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: But this is for Netflix.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's the people that replace Comedy Central.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: But no, I'll try not to move too fast.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: But how slow are you if you can't keep up with me?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: You should work for immigration.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just giving you a hard time.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm I apologize for that.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Can we give a big round of applause for a person running the spotlight up there?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Frankie, what do you want to do with your life?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Have you thought about college?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Just now.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Frankie, you do realize that all you need to do is get accepted.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I tell a lot of jokes.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: I will pay for your entire college education, no matter where you want to go.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: As long as you get accepted.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think about that?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I said, you know, if you want to go to school in California, we'll make it happen.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: You want to go to school out of state, we'll make it happen.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I said, hell, I'll even do one of those um international programs.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the ones where you give them one of your children and then they give you one of their children.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: What is it called when you kid swap?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, that's right, exchange.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you are like, that's called human trafficking.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Different program.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to do uh an exchange program with my son, but don't give me a regular kid.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm gonna do an exchange program, give me a kid from like a hardcore third world country so that he appreciates all the basic things most American children take for granted.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I had to describe him to you, okay?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Dave looks like the word Merca.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Not America, Merica.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: He's about six feet tall, he's white, he has a gray beard, and he wears a trucker hat.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he's gotta be one of the most hardworking people I have ever met.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when I say hardworking, hey, I'm on the road 46 weeks out of the year, so I know.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Difference is I fly home every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Dave stays on that bus and he gets it to the next city where we meet him.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: He works anniversaries, holidays, special moments.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Christmas time, I was with my family.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Dave was driving that bus on the East Coast.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: New Year's, I was with my family.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Dave was on the East Coast driving that bus.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: One of the hardest working people I've ever met.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to give him a shout out.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: In addition to being hardworking, he's uh he's he's very honest.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when I say honest, I don't mean oh, he does his taxes right.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean painfully honest, no filter honest.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: With Dave, you know exactly what you get.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Nowadays, it is so hard for me to tell who's being genuine and who has an agenda.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And with him, you know exactly where you stand.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: About a year and a half ago, maybe longer, we're on the bus and we're heading down the highway.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Just so you have kind of an understanding of the bus layout, let's say this is the front.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Here's Dave, the driver, empty seat, and then a sliding door that goes in between him and the rest of the tour bus.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy Alfred and I are in the living room portion and we're watching TV.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're watching the news.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And on the news, there's this person who is running for some type of office.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: No particular office.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess their big plan is to erect a structure between two bodies of land.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Somewhere.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: So we started to voice our opinion out loud about how we felt about this person and what they wanted to do.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're being very loud.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: So loud, Dave can hear us.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then we hear Dave.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: I yell out to Dave, I said, Be quiet, Dave, this isn't about you.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: He taps a button on the dashboard that activates the sliding door.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: And when the door is about that far from closing, he yells out, I'm building a wall.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't even get upset because I was too much in shock over the fact that that came out of someone four feet away from me.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy Alfred and I, we look like chickens.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, my cell phone goes off.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I take out my phone, and there's a text message from Dave.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, That's right, he better say I'm sorry.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: He better say, just kidding.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I open up the text message and it says, and you're paying for it.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And people tell me, you still work with him after that?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I do.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I trust that man with my life every single night.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I know where his heart's at.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: He can say whatever he wants.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: At the end of the day, he still has to drive around the king of the Mexicans.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: The point to this story is just because you have a difference in opinion, it doesn't mean that you can't have respect for one another, that you can't have love for one another, that you can't have incredible friendships with one another.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's our differences that make us special.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you already know because you've been to my shows in the past.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: My poison of choice is tequila.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Certain alcohol I no longer mess with anymore, like I no longer mess with Jaeger.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: See, first of all, any alcohol that will make you say its name is not safe.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the only alcohol that will make you do that.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only one you hear people.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Jaeger! You don't hear anyone else.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: You don't hear Mexicans.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: You don't hear black people, Hennessy player, you don't hear Japanese.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! Saki saki! Jaeger is scary for a few reasons.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: One, I'm type two diabetic.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't even be drinking, but Jaeger has twice as much sugar in it.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Second thing is the consistency, it's very sticky, it's like cough syrup.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: So if you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it's nasty.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you drink it, you're like, palatos, palatos, palatos, it's horrible.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you have one too many beers, you know what happens.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: You get the and then you return it to the rightful owner.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Jaeger makes you feel like you gotta bring it back, but you can't.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: All it does is make you dramatic for 45 minutes until it lets go.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: You've seen someone like that.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Are you okay?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fine.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: They can't throw up.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: All they're doing is six-minute abs.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: People look at you the next day, are you into fitness?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm a drunk.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: We wind up polishing off three bottles of this rum.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: And drunk wasn't even the right word to describe our level.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: My tour manager Ryan, he comes up to me and he says, Gabe, time to go.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I look at Ryan and I'm like, But Ryan, I just made a friend.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he makes knives.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And they're pretty.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm drunk, he knows better than to talk to me like I'm an adult.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: He talks to me like I'm two.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: He looks at me and he says, hey, buddy.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: You hungry?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Well, listen, if we don't leave right now, they're gonna close McDonald's and you're gonna have to eat at the airport.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta go.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I Mike, you gotta go, you gotta go, no worries.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes to shake my hand.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And when he shook my hand, he put his personal pocket knife that he made in my hand as a gift.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's for you, Mike.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for being nice.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma cut cheeseburgers with this.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: We stayed so long at the restaurant we had to go straight to the airport.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we get there, and you don't sober up in like two hours after three bottles of rum.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was not in airport condition.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so my tour manager has one hand on each shoulder, right?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Ryan's trying to push me through the airport, and you know, he's about 190.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And he's pushing me with everything.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: And he gets me all the way to airport security.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And airport security in Australia, you don't have to take off your shoes.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't worry about taking off a belt because I don't wear a belt because I have a butt.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So he lines me up with airport security and he tells me, I gotta let you go.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let me go.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta let you go.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let me go.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then he pushed me, and now I'm going forward, and he yells out, You're a plane! And the two-year-old came out.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a plane.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: And now this fluffy 747 is headed right for the metal detector, and I could see the security officer on the other side.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: And when I got really close, Ryan yells out, wings down, wings down.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I went through and I didn't touch the edges.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: But when I went through, I sobered up for half a second because I realized, oh my god, I forgot to check the knife that the guy gave me, and it's on me, and I've already cleared the freaking, you know, so I'm like, the security officer does this.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Drunk me was offended.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you can ask my buddy Ryan, who's right behind me.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I looked at the security officer and I said, Hey! Hey! How do you know?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know I'm not a terrorist?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I could hear my friends in line.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: The security officer in uniform wearing a badge looks at me and says, Hey, when have you ever seen a fat terrorist?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Admit it tastes like gravy.