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From a Messy First Date to 20+ Years Together · What Tha Group Chat Say

• 0:00
  Vonnie: Welcome to what Tha Group Chat Say, the podcast where the group chat.
• 0:03
  Finally got a mic.
• 0:05
  We're three friends in our forties talking about life, friendships, relationships, and everything we didn't see coming in this decade.
• 0:12
  I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea,
• 0:15
  okay, so today, I guess I'm on the hot seat.
• 0:20
  Keya: Yes, you are.
• 0:20
  Vonnie: what do you guys wanna know about me
• 0:23
  Keya: All the things.
• 0:25
  Everything.
• 0:25
  Tell us all, um, yes.
• 0:29
  Hi, Shavonne hot seat.
• 0:31
  Welcome, welcome, welcome.
• 0:34
  are ready.
• 0:35
  I need you to tell us how to stay and, what are you guys?
• 0:45
  20 years.
• 0:47
  20 years
• 0:48
  Vonnie: at 2021?
• 0:50
  It'll be 21 dating in, uh, weeks.
• 0:54
  Keya: Yes.
• 0:55
  drea: wedding was fine.
• 0:57
  Keya: your wedding was bomb as hell,
• 0:59
  drea: Oh, I was so drunk and I invited myself,
• 1:03
  Keya: I think we all were, shit was fun.
• 1:06
  drea: I think.
• 1:07
  I think I just remember he is saying, Siobhan's getting married in Vegas and we're all going.
• 1:11
  I was like, great.
• 1:13
  Can I go too?
• 1:13
  Is there any room for me?
• 1:15
  And then Shavon said there was that I can come too.
• 1:19
  So I was like, well then I'll just stop.
• 1:21
  Come on in that car with y'all.
• 1:23
  Keya: Let's go
• 1:25
  Vonnie: Or you would've been invited.
• 1:28
  Um, I didn't really have everybody's addresses, so that was, so how do you stay married or in a relationship for this long?
• 1:37
  Keya: Mar in a relationship and married and having a career.
• 1:42
  That's
• 1:43
  Vonnie: And
• 1:44
  Keya: one at a time if you want, but yes, please let us two in the world know who have not it thus far.
• 1:54
  Vonnie: it's really funny to think about because I would say everything anyone tells you not to do is probably what we did.
• 2:03
  So I don't know if I have advice, I'll start with probably, you know,
• 2:09
  drea: I have a question
• 2:10
  Vonnie: first day ever.
• 2:12
  Yes.
• 2:12
  drea: real quick before you talk about your worst first date.
• 2:17
  Were you one of those girls who wanted to be married?
• 2:21
  Like were you one of those girls who was like in high school, who was like, oh, I can't wait to get married, or I wanna, because you come from two parents who have been married all your life, right?
• 2:33
  So were you one of those girls who was like, I'm gonna get married one day, this is the type of life I want.
• 2:38
  Vonnie: no.
• 2:39
  drea: Okay.
• 2:40
  Vonnie: I, I never thought about.
• 2:43
  My wedding or anything.
• 2:45
  I think you had said that too.
• 2:46
  I never dreamed of what my wedding would look like.
• 2:49
  Um, also, you said, my parents have been married going on, I wanna say 51 years
• 2:58
  drea: Yay for them.
• 3:00
  Vonnie: or two weeks.
• 3:01
  And, um,
• 3:04
  Keya: That's what's up.
• 3:06
  Vonnie: my both sets of grandparents stayed married the entire time.
• 3:10
  They're both my grand, well my grandmothers were widows until my maternal grandmother passed away.
• 3:16
  So don't come from, although I've had aunts and uncles divorced, but in my immediate family, my immediate circle, that never happened.
• 3:25
  So I always thought if I did get married, I didn't have, you know, probably like everyone, I don't have divorce on the mind or I wasn't afraid of getting married because I hadn't seen good relationships.
• 3:39
  always just on myself.
• 3:42
  And I've always said whatever kind of however my life ends up, it ends up, I don't have any sort of predetermined things that I was trying to do.
• 3:53
  I just wanted to work.
• 3:55
  So you talk about career woman, that's really what I've always focused on wanting to do.
• 4:00
  And after I left college, I worked as tech support for, um, various companies.
• 4:08
  And, um, there came a time, I wanna say after nine 11, where they called it like the.com bust.
• 4:17
  And it was a big one.
• 4:19
  I was laid off of the tech support job, I said, Internet's done.
• 4:25
  Maybe I need to learn some useful skill that I can take with me further into adulthood than this computer thing.
• 4:31
  And so I went to work at this market research place and my job was to be front of the house and I would deal with the clients, which would be in the market execs, and then I would also deal with the people.
• 4:45
  So we had studies.
• 4:46
  So any studies you'll think of, you know, tests to, if they want to, excuse me, a company wants to launch a new commercial.
• 4:54
  on the first day they took me to the back where they had the people who were the ones, they called them screeners.
• 5:02
  So they would, you would either call in if you heard about it or they would cold call people to kind of get them into whatever these studies to get the demographics that the marketing representatives or marketing executives needed for whatever their product was.
• 5:17
  So that wasn't gonna be my job, but I think they wanted to show, um, how everybody can do everything like that, because sometimes it was all hands on deck and they needed everybody on the phones.
• 5:27
  So I had misunderstood the instructions as I was calling and getting people.
• 5:33
  We had a whiteboard that had a bunch of tick marks on it, and in each demographic lane, you know, men, women, and the age ranges and race, whatever the demographics were, they had them up on the board and you would put tick marks into where everybody was.
• 5:50
  Well, I thought you were the tick marks were the max.
• 5:55
  And so I would go and I'd be erasing lines as I had booked people.
• 6:00
  So then, you know, from my brain, when you were out of lines, then that was closed.
• 6:06
  So it was getting weird because I was like, man, I could have sworn I had erased two of these and now two more are up.
• 6:13
  And we were getting to the end of the night and the boss was looking at it and his numbers are off.
• 6:20
  And um, see this guy and loudly rudely was like, well, some people don't know how to do math.
• 6:27
  They don't know how to add or subtract.
• 6:30
  Keya: Oh
• 6:30
  Vonnie: I was all trying to explain myself.
• 6:33
  I was like, oh no, I think I was just confused.
• 6:35
  And because I thought you had to erase instead of put on there.
• 6:38
  And he was like looking at me like I was dumb.
• 6:41
  And I was like, what a rude jerk.
• 6:44
  And this guy, could tell he was mixed with something.
• 6:49
  He looked black, but I knew he wasn't a hundred percent black and.
• 6:53
  You always, whenever, whether it's school or work, you would come in and you would side eye those guys at first because you had to kind of see how they moved.
• 7:01
  A lot of them, I felt, thought they were better than regular black people.
• 7:06
  And sometimes those guys didn't even mess with black girls because, you know, they could go in between different races or some of them had light eyes or quote unquote good hair.
• 7:17
  Do you know what I mean?
• 7:17
  Keya?
• 7:18
  Does that make sense what I'm saying?
• 7:19
  Keya: Yeah,
• 7:20
  Vonnie: Okay.
• 7:22
  I was like, I had my eye on him.
• 7:24
  Yeah.
• 7:24
  So I was like, of course he has an attitude.
• 7:27
  Of course he's a jerk.
• 7:29
  He thinks he's better than whatever.
• 7:31
  And I was like, whatever.
• 7:32
  Um, so time went on there, sometimes after work he and I would just talk about work stuff.
• 7:44
  the reason why I like talking to him is he knew all of the gossip.
• 7:48
  He wasn't a gossiper, but I would have, you know, I would say something about someone and he was like, no, that's not what's going on.
• 7:56
  Let me tell you about this person.
• 7:57
  He like, I just knew everything about everybody and I'm nosy as heck.
• 8:01
  So it was really interesting.
• 8:03
  And so we would find ourselves staying after work, kind of just chitchatting.
• 8:07
  drea: A great a, a, a. Great, uh, that's a great, um, friendship.
• 8:12
  You got the nosy one and the one who knows it all.
• 8:14
  Vonnie: Exactly.
• 8:15
  And so there was never any sort of like checking each other out or anything, um, from my perspective.
• 8:21
  So it was like, all right, so maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
• 8:27
  But, uh, I thought, okay, he's fine.
• 8:30
  I never really tried to get close to people I work with as far as friendships go.
• 8:35
  Anyway, so it was a decent coworker and, um, with part of my job of working with the clients, we had to order them food and things like that, and there was always extra food leftover and we just had to throw it out.
• 8:49
  And that never sat right with me.
• 8:51
  I hated just throwing out all of this food.
• 8:54
  And there were a lot of, you know, varying ages of those people in the back.
• 8:58
  There were older seniors and then there were young guys, like, um, you know, that guy and other people.
• 9:05
  And so we would have leftover sandwiches that we had, for the people who were coming to do the studies.
• 9:12
  We would put that in the break room and most people didn't come and eat, or maybe somebody would have a sandwich, but I would have, you know, 24 sandwiches and somebody would eat two.
• 9:21
  And so I would, I wasn't supposed to give them to the back room.
• 9:25
  I would sneak it back there, then that guy started hanging out at the end of the night to help me clean up.
• 9:33
  So I would give him, I was like, I have all this food left over.
• 9:35
  And so he would help me clean up the rooms and then I would give him all the extra food, and he loved that.
• 9:41
  So.
• 9:43
  This other girl got
• 9:44
  drea: Oh, so you started feeding him and getting.
• 9:47
  Vonnie: I
• 9:47
  drea: his heart right away.
• 9:49
  You know, they say, they say, what is it?
• 9:51
  The stomach is the key to a man's heart or something.
• 9:53
  Keya: yep.
• 9:54
  The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
• 9:57
  Vonnie: and well, I did, he did not look like, um, he was early twenties, 21, a guy, so partying up the wazoo and he always looked like he had not been to bed the night before.
• 10:14
  Like he just partied all night, rolled into work like a lot of early 20 people do.
• 10:19
  So he never, his hair was never really done.
• 10:21
  He kind of had grown his hair out.
• 10:24
  Um, you know, he had facial hair, but it just didn't look put together.
• 10:28
  So definitely not anybody I was interested in.
• 10:32
  but still, you know, like I said, friendly, all of that stuff.
• 10:35
  One day, I guess now knowing him, he must have actually gotten a good night's sleep and woke up early.
• 10:42
  And sometimes when that happens, he has time to pull himself together.
• 10:47
  And back in those days, and even still now, I prefer like more of a clean shaven look as far as facial hair and also not a lot of hair on your head.
• 10:56
  So knows.
• 10:58
  My husband now, that's he has a lot of hair on his head and full beard.
• 11:03
  But, um, he came, he walked in and he was like, clean shaven buzz cut.
• 11:09
  And he walked in the door and I just at him and it was like, damn, that was like in my head.
• 11:16
  And unfortunately, I'm not somebody with a poker face.
• 11:19
  So I know that that hit my face.
• 11:23
  And I remember telling myself internally, like, fix your face, because I know you probably looked at him like, put this on a platter, let's go.
• 11:32
  he caught it.
• 11:33
  and I know you guys laughing, knowing him,
• 11:35
  drea: this on a platter and let's go.
• 11:38
  Vonnie: he looked at me and then I like fixed my face.
• 11:41
  He is like, I saw the way you were looking at me.
• 11:43
  Like he can't just let it go, right?
• 11:45
  So he had to say something.
• 11:47
  So now I'm super embarrassed.
• 11:49
  And I was like, oh my God.
• 11:50
  Shavonne, why did you looked like you
• 11:52
  Like this guy?
• 11:53
  You're at work.
• 11:54
  Okay, you don't wanna go out with anybody at work, you now this is gonna be awkward.
• 11:59
  So, um, girl got hired to do what I do as well to kind of help out.
• 12:04
  It was really busy.
• 12:06
  She was absolutely gorgeous.
• 12:09
  Like one of those conventionally attractive girls.
• 12:13
  was white, but didn't look all the way white.
• 12:15
  I knew she wasn't black, but I didn't know what, um, she was mixed with.
• 12:20
  So the reason why it comes up is again, now he's staying after to help me out and now also to help her, both of us, because we're, I said, Hey, we give him food at the end of the night.
• 12:29
  She's like, great, we don't have to throw it all away.
• 12:32
  And so all of us are chatting and stuff, and with one of those, nights, and we're just all laughing and talking.
• 12:39
  he had asked her, and I guess she had said that she was mixed with Mexican and white.
• 12:44
  And he says, he goes, man, half breed, people all attractive.
• 12:49
  And I was like, hold on, time out.
• 12:54
  And I said, I'm not mixed, but I'm not ugly.
• 12:58
  And he goes, whoa, I thought you were, I thought you were half breed like the rest of us.
• 13:02
  and so I guess he thought this was, we were all mixed or something.
• 13:05
  I don't know.
• 13:06
  I don't feel like I looked mixed, so I don't know if he was backtracking or whatever.
• 13:10
  So I was like,
• 13:12
  Keya: don't feel like you look mixed either, but Okay.
• 13:16
  Vonnie: no.
• 13:17
  So he goes, oh.
• 13:18
  He is like, well, you're kind of light and I thought you were mixed.
• 13:20
  I'm all, no, no.
• 13:23
  um, so after that he was like being friendly and stuff.
• 13:29
  And I go, well, let's see.
• 13:32
  And so I asked for his number and he is like, I don't have a phone.
• 13:35
  I was like, oh, that's weird.
• 13:37
  I thought he, I heard him saying something to
• 13:40
  drea: Who had phones back then?
• 13:42
  Like when you asked for his number, was this still like the beginning of cell phone?
• 13:46
  Age or house phone?
• 13:48
  Like,
• 13:49
  Vonnie: it was definitely in the house phone age,
• 13:51
  drea: okay.
• 13:51
  Okay.
• 13:52
  Okay.
• 13:53
  Vonnie: everybody had a cell phone, but everybody had a house phone.
• 13:55
  drea: Fax, fax.
• 13:57
  Vonnie: don't have a phone, I'm like, mm, okay.
• 13:59
  And then I thought he'd said something to somebody about calling them.
• 14:03
  so I went up to him and it's so weird because I'm an introvert, but I am not afraid of confrontation.
• 14:10
  I don't go looking for stuff, but I'll stick up for myself.
• 14:13
  And so when I heard that, I said, you know, I asked you for your number and you said you didn't have a phone, and I heard you tell that person about calling them.
• 14:21
  That's fine.
• 14:23
  If you don't want to me, to have your number, you could have just said No, but you don't have to lie to me.
• 14:29
  he's like, whoa, I didn't lie.
• 14:30
  I don't have a phone.
• 14:31
  My apartment complex has a payphone.
• 14:33
  I can make a call, but I don't have a phone.
• 14:36
  I can't give you a phone number.
• 14:38
  Um, he goes, I could have your number and I can call you, but you can't call me.
• 14:42
  Or, you know how you could call payphones if someone was standing right there at that moment?
• 14:47
  drea: I was the queen at the call me back on the payphone.
• 14:50
  I knew where I knew where most of them was that had a phone number to call back.
• 14:54
  We're at.
• 14:54
  Vonnie: yeah.
• 14:55
  So that's why he was like, so I don't have like that number memorized, but I could call you from there.
• 14:59
  And then, you know, we could, I was like, oh, okay.
• 15:02
  so we decided to see.
• 15:06
  we went to, um, just like a Jack in the Box.
• 15:09
  And we weren't, I guess that was our official first date, but it really wasn't.
• 15:13
  We were just kind of hanging out and we were still talking a lot about work and it was like the talks we would have standing outside of work.
• 15:19
  But these talks started getting really long.
• 15:21
  You guys, it would be on Saturdays, we worked like eight to noon or eight to one, we would start talking and then I would look and it's dusk.
• 15:33
  And I was like, we've been talking for three, four hours and just chitchatting and all of these things.
• 15:40
  I don't know how it came up, but we started talking about porn and I said, I don't understand it.
• 15:45
  You guys just watch it.
• 15:46
  You just watch a video.
• 15:48
  What do, well, I don't get it.
• 15:49
  And he's like, let me show you a video.
• 15:52
  He's like, I'm just gonna drop a video off.
• 15:54
  And he's like, go home.
• 15:56
  He's like, just watch it.
• 15:57
  He goes, and then you kinda see what scenes you like, what you like, what you don't like.
• 16:01
  And he is like, let me know.
• 16:04
  So he literally brought a porn DVD to work and like I had it in my car.
• 16:09
  And then I did when he said, I like took it home, he is like, just watch it.
• 16:12
  And so, um, then I brought it back and we were
• 16:16
  drea: I'm learning
• 16:17
  Vonnie: stuff like
• 16:17
  drea: so much about you.
• 16:18
  Right now.
• 16:19
  Keya: was just about to stay.
• 16:22
  I
• 16:22
  drea: ain't even mad at you.
• 16:24
  Vonnie: yeah, we said what we see if we can hang out after work.
• 16:30
  Like outside of work, not talking about work and just see if we enjoy each other's company.
• 16:35
  We seem to, but we're always talking about work.
• 16:38
  So our goal was just to see if we can go out on a date and see if it was weird or not.
• 16:43
  And if it was weird.
• 16:45
  No harm, no foul So that next Saturday I did not have to go into work and I think he had called off too.
• 16:53
  So I lived in East Mesa and he lived close by, he was in Phoenix and our job was in Old Town Scottsdale.
• 17:01
  so we decided to meet up at the job and then decide what we were gonna do.
• 17:05
  We were gonna meet up in the morning, I wanna say around 9:00 AM And at that time, I made that time for a reason, I'm forgetful person.
• 17:15
  And, um, on that Saturday, I don't remember why I made it that early.
• 17:21
  I had kind of stayed up a little late and I was getting up late and I woke up probably 30 minutes before I needed to be there.
• 17:28
  And from East Mesa to Scottsdale, I wasn't going to make it.
• 17:32
  and again, he doesn't have a phone, but I called the office and told the person, I was like, Hey, Manuel's coming and he's gonna meet me.
• 17:40
  Can you let him know that I am running late?
• 17:43
  Let's change the time.
• 17:45
  I'll meet him.
• 17:46
  At, um, 12 o'clock instead, she's like, okay, I'll let him know.
• 17:50
  So when he gets there, I guess she told him, he calls me from the office and he was like, okay, so meet you at 12.
• 17:55
  I said, yeah.
• 17:57
  I start heading there and now I'm gonna be maybe like 30 minutes early and I get to the office for whatever reason.
• 18:08
  In my head, I tell myself, gonna sit here and wait on no man.
• 18:12
  You're gonna give him 10 minutes not here, you're gonna leave.
• 18:17
  drea: Is this, you being early?
• 18:19
  I'm not going.
• 18:20
  I'm not gonna wait.
• 18:21
  Or even though you said 12 o'clock.
• 18:23
  Vonnie: Even though I said 12 o'clock.
• 18:25
  drea: Oh my gosh.
• 18:26
  Vonnie: to that.
• 18:27
  I said, if he is not here, even though I'm early, um, I'm gonna leave.
• 18:33
  So there was no reason
• 18:35
  Keya: limit on him that
• 18:37
  drea: But
• 18:37
  Vonnie: no,
• 18:38
  drea: And you're early.
• 18:40
  That's where I'm stuck at.
• 18:41
  And we're early, but I feel you are not waiting, but, but when we're early, you was a little nervous.
• 18:47
  Vonnie: I wait for 10 minutes and surprise, surprise, he's not there early.
• 18:51
  and I was like, I'm leaving.
• 18:53
  So I get up, I get in my car, I, as I'm hitting, reverse He's coming into the parking lot.
• 19:01
  So as I'm backing out and I see him come in, I feel, I say to myself, well, now you'll look stupid by the car when you were in reverse.
• 19:13
  Keep going.
• 19:14
  So I back out, I pretend I don't see him, and I start driving out of the parking lot.
• 19:20
  He starts following me.
• 19:22
  So he starts following me like, what the hell is going on?
• 19:26
  And so we're driving a few blocks and then I quote unquote, notice him like I made it seem like, like he pulls up next to me, like Old Town, Scottsdale, you know, there's a bunch of stoplights.
• 19:37
  So I get caught at a light, he pulls up next to me and he is looking at me and he is like, what?
• 19:42
  What are you doing?
• 19:42
  Weren't we supposed to meet at one or 12?
• 19:45
  Whatever his time was?
• 19:45
  And I was like, I was like, yeah, okay.
• 19:49
  And so I turned back around and we both go to the parking lot and he's probably thinking, what the heck is wrong with this person?
• 19:55
  Reasonable person, what have and should have left, right?
• 19:58
  But um, then hop in my car because have a rule, like I'm not gonna be stranded, so I'm driving.
• 20:08
  So I was like, once I get to my car, I realize why I had set our date for the morning.
• 20:14
  I have a hair appointment in an hour,
• 20:17
  Keya: Oh
• 20:17
  Vonnie: East Mesa, and I'm about an hour away.
• 20:20
  so I get in the car and I was like, let's drive over to my side of town.
• 20:24
  I don't know what we're gonna do yet.
• 20:25
  When we were going to watch, actually, I remember we're gonna watch Kill Bill volume two, talking about dating us.
• 20:31
  So
• 20:31
  drea: Oh, so y'all always been movie folks?
• 20:34
  Okay.
• 20:35
  Vonnie: always been movie folks.
• 20:36
  Our first official date was a movie, well it was supposed to be.
• 20:40
  So we started driving and I was like, Hey, I have a hair appointment.
• 20:44
  Really quick, I'm just gonna get a wash and blow dry.
• 20:48
  Um, I'll be fast.
• 20:49
  And he was like, okay.
• 20:51
  So I drive out to my parents' house, drop him off there, like bring him
• 20:57
  drea: Wait,
• 20:57
  Vonnie: Hi, this is
• 20:58
  drea: did you just say you, you wait, you, on the first date you took him to your mama's house and left him there by himself.
• 21:07
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 21:07
  So
• 21:08
  drea: You, you didn't,
• 21:08
  Vonnie: here on the couch.
• 21:09
  Not gonna be that long,
• 21:10
  drea: I thought you was gonna just take his ass with you to the damn hair shop.
• 21:14
  No.
• 21:14
  Keya: she was gonna say he was going to the, um, the shop with her too, but no,
• 21:20
  drea: No.
• 21:20
  She said
• 21:21
  Keya: you
• 21:21
  drea: the first date she took him to her parents' house.
• 21:25
  Oh my gosh.
• 21:26
  I'd have been like, drop me off at the damn bus stop.
• 21:29
  Please drop me off at the bus stop.
• 21:32
  Vonnie: It's not even done.
• 21:34
  I get to JC Penney where I'm getting my hair done and she was like, are we still doing color today?
• 21:41
  Keya: Oh shit.
• 21:43
  No
• 21:44
  Vonnie: And instead of saying, no, I have plans, let's just do a wash and blow dry.
• 21:47
  I say yes.
• 21:49
  So any women out there
• 21:51
  drea: I don't like you.
• 21:52
  Listen, I, I, I wouldn't like you for him right about now.
• 21:56
  Oh my gosh.
• 21:57
  Keya: at all.
• 21:59
  Ooh, I would've called you all type of selfish asses.
• 22:02
  drea: And then, so now he's stuck.
• 22:04
  He has no house phone.
• 22:06
  He is gonna be at your parents' house longer, and he's real life stuck with parents and no phone.
• 22:15
  Okay.
• 22:15
  Okay.
• 22:16
  I'm here for it.
• 22:18
  Vonnie: So obviously that hair appointment takes hours.
• 22:23
  wash, block, color, you know, you gotta rinse that out.
• 22:27
  All that good stuff.
• 22:28
  So I'm at the point where they're gonna rinse it out.
• 22:31
  I was like, let me call my house.
• 22:33
  So I call and I was like, I'm so sorry it's taking so long, I'll be on my way.
• 22:39
  Um, you know, just a little bit longer.
• 22:41
  And so he's like, okay.
• 22:45
  um, so I get there, get back.
• 22:47
  It's nighttime now at this point.
• 22:49
  Keya: I would never call your ass again, baby.
• 22:51
  I would not have called Joe
• 22:52
  drea: Listen.
• 22:54
  Keya: What the
• 22:55
  Vonnie: When I get there, he's like, can I have some water?
• 22:58
  Literally he was ignored the entire time he was there.
• 23:01
  They didn't know, like, like, who is this guy?
• 23:04
  People were coming and going.
• 23:05
  No one offered him water.
• 23:06
  Like, I don't know where our Midwestern.
• 23:09
  Hospitality went, but it went, so he was just sitting on the couch.
• 23:13
  Sometimes my dad would come and watch something, then they would leave.
• 23:16
  Like it was just, he was like in the background.
• 23:21
  I
• 23:22
  Keya: So
• 23:22
  Vonnie: so
• 23:24
  Keya: there time, no water, no food, no nothing.
• 23:28
  Ooh, they so bogus.
• 23:30
  Vonnie: like, so bogus for that.
• 23:32
  Like, I thought, I was like, well, at least
• 23:33
  drea: And let me put this out here guys, just to kind of help with this scenario.
• 23:37
  This is a Mexican and black man.
• 23:41
  This is a Mexican and black man.
• 23:43
  That is, that is his nationality.
• 23:46
  And, um, she left him at the house.
• 23:48
  Nope.
• 23:49
  Wasn't offered no food or water.
• 23:50
  Keya: fully black ass family.
• 23:52
  Vonnie: Right.
• 23:53
  He grew up Mexican.
• 23:54
  You would, there would be all kinds of offerings or you
• 23:59
  drea: He would've been talked to, at least the, the whole family would've known his ass by now.
• 24:03
  And all the Tia's would've got phone calls like, are, are she left this guy here?
• 24:08
  The whole family would've known Girl
• 24:10
  Vonnie: and I had the car, so he had no way of leaving, like you said, and, um,
• 24:15
  Keya: that man hostage.
• 24:17
  Vonnie: hostage.
• 24:18
  Keya: You.
• 24:19
  Vonnie: So now it's too late to go to the movies and, and now he's seeing how far I live and it's gonna be like two hour round trip.
• 24:29
  He is like, I'm like, um.
• 24:32
  Why don't we watch the first one Kill Bill right now and we'll run this back tomorrow.
• 24:40
  so, I mean, what is he gonna do?
• 24:42
  Right?
• 24:43
  So we sit there, we watch the first movie, after we watch it, we go, my apartment was around the corner from my parents' house.
• 24:50
  drea: no clothes.
• 24:52
  He about to sleep in his clothes.
• 24:55
  He sat at your parents' house all day and your apartment was down the street where your brother and sister live,
• 25:01
  Vonnie: But so I go, so when I woke up in the morning, he was still asleep on the couch.
• 25:07
  And I live close to a Walmart and I said, all right, I'm gonna sneak out.
• 25:13
  I feel horrible, by the way.
• 25:15
  I know I'm laughing, but I really did feel bad.
• 25:17
  So I go to Walmart, I pick up some eggs, some bacon, and some like Pillsbury biscuits.
• 25:26
  And then I see this little travel kit.
• 25:29
  'cause I was like, I don't know what guys need in the morning.
• 25:31
  Um, so it had like toothbrush mouthwash, like shaving stuff, all that.
• 25:38
  I bought all that and I come back and he's still asleep.
• 25:41
  I start cooking breakfast.
• 25:42
  So he wakes up to me cooking breakfast and, uh.
• 25:49
  He's way excited.
• 25:50
  I didn't know this then, but afterwards I hear, he's like, I wake up, I smell breakfast cooking.
• 25:55
  I was like, all right.
• 25:56
  And like you said, he's Mexican.
• 25:59
  Um, he's like, this is everything's right in the world.
• 26:02
  This is how woman should act.
• 26:05
  And then we go, we saw the movie kinda later on that day.
• 26:11
  And I wanna say he went to dinner with my family,
• 26:20
  I think so.
• 26:21
  I'm not sure.
• 26:21
  Um, but anyway, that, and then we drive back to, his side of town to drop him off.
• 26:28
  And so from there we just did start, you know, that wasn't a repellent as maybe it should have been, but within the next few days.
• 26:38
  And us hanging out and, and doing what we do, I was a, I asked him, so maybe this is a week into it, and I go, what, what is this?
• 26:46
  What are we?
• 26:46
  And he was like, I don't know, kind of like a relationship without the title.
• 26:51
  And I said, nah, I don't do that.
• 26:52
  So it's over then.
• 26:55
  And he is like, whoa, hold on.
• 26:57
  I said, it's either gonna be a title or nothing.
• 26:59
  And so he goes, okay, okay.
• 27:01
  So then we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
• 27:03
  I was like, okay.
• 27:05
  he's like, um, and then he just got tired of me going back and forth.
• 27:11
  So when I say everything wrong, so now week two of us dating, is like, I don't want you driving back there anymore.
• 27:17
  I want you home with me.
• 27:20
  So we basically moved into each other after two weeks.
• 27:23
  After, I wanna say a few weeks, we decided that they, I think they knew at work that we were dating, and I don't think the bosses liked it.
• 27:32
  I said, you know, this job doesn't pay that much.
• 27:36
  I can make a lot of money, a lot more money if I go back to tech support.
• 27:42
  I was, so we were going back with him.
• 27:44
  I was like, what do you think?
• 27:45
  Because I am, I was trying to leave computers, but I can get a tech support job pretty easy with my experience.
• 27:51
  And he's like, let's go for it.
• 27:53
  So that's when I started working at the company I work at now.
• 27:57
  I was like, I'll give it a year, try to kind of build up some money and then we'll see where we go from there.
• 28:01
  So both of that, you know, him dating him and then getting this job within a few months of each other.
• 28:08
  And I, you know,
• 28:09
  drea: So,
• 28:10
  Vonnie: wrote for both.
• 28:11
  drea: so, okay.
• 28:11
  With that being said, yeah, with that being said, how long, how long after living together and being together did he propose?
• 28:21
  Vonnie: I would say within six months, he proposed to me.
• 28:26
  he did ask my, my parents first.
• 28:29
  And, um, he had gotten a ring, And he took me back to my old apartment where I guess we had our first date.
• 28:38
  was awful.
• 28:39
  But we took it back to my old apartment.
• 28:41
  And I was like, why are we going back over here?
• 28:43
  Um, and in the parking lot.
• 28:46
  And then he asked me there.
• 28:47
  So, so that is when we proposed, but we
• 28:51
  drea: Where were you guys sitting in the car when he purports, or did you guys get out the car?
• 28:55
  Vonnie: no, in the car.
• 28:57
  drea: Aw, that's lowkey cute.
• 28:58
  Vonnie: in the parking lot.
• 28:59
  Keya: sweet.
• 29:00
  So
• 29:01
  drea: thoughtful.
• 29:02
  That was thoughtful,
• 29:03
  Keya: it was very thoughtful.
• 29:05
  Uh, so moral, the story is ladies, um, you can't find a man, just kidnap him, move with him within two weeks and you'll have a husband.
• 29:16
  drea: Right?
• 29:17
  And and also more of the story is, is that for some people it just works fast.
• 29:22
  Others it takes more time, right?
• 29:24
  Like,
• 29:25
  Vonnie: Well,
• 29:26
  drea: you know, I mean.
• 29:27
  Vonnie: will say, know, I would never tell anybody, don't move together after two weeks.
• 29:32
  was hard, you know, and I obviously you're like learning about each other, getting to know each other while you're living together.
• 29:39
  And I think that's why when you're saying what makes this work for so long, I mean, we were in the trenches in our early twenties going through that and for some reason kept fighting through it.
• 29:50
  I mean, anything that had come up, I mean, we didn't go through, you know, thank goodness, any sort of abuse or, or any of that stuff.
• 29:56
  But just, you know, I'm like a lone wolf and he has had a lot of childhood traumas and so all of those things just surface when you're with somebody day in and day out.
• 30:09
  But
• 30:09
  drea: guys were young and so you're still learning yourself.
• 30:12
  Vonnie: We just kept working through it and so I just feel like us dating through all of that, once we got married it was like we've been through already a lot and not much worse is coming up.
• 30:28
  You know, that as far as in that we can't work through or talk through or anything.
• 30:35
  drea: Well, it sounded too like your relationship started on a friendship, you know, as, as learning to conversate.
• 30:41
  Like you guys always had that conversation.
• 30:43
  So probably learning each other's, um, communication styles without knowingly knowing you're learning it, you know what I mean?
• 30:51
  So, and you guys are probably sound, it sounds like to me, you guys were kind of on the same path of life, you know, and where you're going with stuff.
• 30:59
  Vonnie: The foundation of our values is the same.
• 31:03
  Even though how we got there, like what we believed in, we were both didn't, even though he didn't come from a stable upbringing, he didn't want, you know, divorce either.
• 31:14
  And we have always said, and we've always made, like we don't throw that word around.
• 31:18
  That word has never left any of our, like, if that, if he said that to me or if I said that to him, then it's pack it up time because I'm not gonna play with anybody saying that to me and neither is he.
• 31:29
  So as far as like a hard line in the sand, like we don't play with that.
• 31:33
  Let's not something you throw out in an argument or anything like that, so, um,
• 31:38
  drea: feel like that should be a rule in any relationship where you're dating.
• 31:41
  Like don't say that shit to, you know, you mean it because
• 31:44
  Keya: know you
• 31:45
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 31:46
  Um, and we were like opposite types of personalities.
• 31:51
  I like to stay at home.
• 31:52
  He was like a going out type person, really friendly, you know, all of that.
• 31:56
  So there would be a lot of times where I'm like, you can go by yourself.
• 32:01
  So that kind of started it.
• 32:03
  I think now I'm the one who's out as far as traveling goes and he's like, fine, you can go.
• 32:08
  drea: Do you feel that in your relationship, you both having your own life aside from each other has helped?
• 32:15
  Vonnie: Yeah, I, I think that it takes a lot of the anxiety away But being too solid people individually, I think helps you maintain that strong relationship because you're not, our foundation isn't codependent.
• 32:28
  And I think that's where some of these things, you know, you gotta be checking that person's phone.
• 32:33
  You need to have your location on.
• 32:34
  Like none of that.
• 32:35
  We've never shared location.
• 32:37
  One of our found is like lying is his number one just like yours, his pet peeve or people who lie.
• 32:44
  So I can always trust that since he hates liars so much, he's also not lying because wouldn't do that since that's something that he hates.
• 32:56
  And a lot of people do even little white lies, he doesn't.
• 32:59
  drea: I feel like people need to understand how codependency is in relationships, right?
• 33:05
  And it's not always a good thing.
• 33:07
  And how having your own separate life.
• 33:10
  A life with each other can keep that spark.
• 33:13
  'cause you have something to talk about.
• 33:14
  I will say that one of my favorite things about your marriage, um, is the fact that you guys are like that.
• 33:21
  And now hearing the story, it makes sense, right?
• 33:24
  Because I always, like, the very first time we all went on a cruise together, I was like, my friends married and her husband just let her, 'cause you know, I've never been married, right?
• 33:33
  I'll never forget you ordered fucking DoorDash from the middle of the ocean for him that took me out.
• 33:39
  I ain't gonna lie, that took me out.
• 33:41
  Um, that was like a whole nother level.
• 33:42
  And I admired that and I loved it because you guys had that.
• 33:46
  And then as time went on and I learned how, you know, sometimes y'all take trips together, take trips apart, it's, he's never has an issue.
• 33:54
  Keya: So through all, okay, so through the kidnapping
• 33:58
  Vonnie: I'm the drama,
• 34:00
  Keya: you.
• 34:01
  I, I love that.
• 34:03
  Like, y'all literally, have this story that lifetime movies are made out of.
• 34:11
  It's for real.
• 34:13
  Like, so I, love that in y'all learning phase within, with moving in within two weeks, y'all still chose at that young age to choose each other.
• 34:30
  Over and over again.
• 34:32
  That's That's amazing.
• 34:34
  That's amazing.
• 34:35
  Vonnie: There were so many things that you have to learn through, or learn not to do or learn that.
• 34:40
  is manipulative or this is toxic, or know, we're silent treatment and what works and doesn't for someone.
• 34:48
  Like, okay, I need a break, or I need to walk away from things, or I need to, you know, so just going through all of those with all the little bitty fights you have or snowballing things.
• 34:57
  And we just get to a point where, I mean, we literally just have to talk out all of these things that maybe we had been silently letting go for a month and just get it all out and then we're good for a long time, you know?
• 35:12
  But it is, it's, you know, you forgive things or you let things go, but it always kind of still sits there if you don't really take that time to resolve it.
• 35:20
  So even when I feel like we're getting on each other's nerves, sometimes we have like, it seems like every day this week we're on each other's nerves, but they're just real small snippets.
• 35:29
  And then you get right back in, you know, it's, you have to have that, a short memory about that.
• 35:35
  I think I, one thing that I read that I thought was really nice is to be, you know, you're a team.
• 35:41
  It's not you versus them.
• 35:44
  It is you two versus whatever the problem is.
• 35:47
  And so through it, kind of in that manner of, okay, what is this resolution gonna be?
• 35:53
  And it may not be, we agree, it may be going, okay, I understand why you think this, I understand what you're coming from.
• 36:02
  I'm never going to get there because.
• 36:07
  didn't, you know, either grow up that way or I don't feel that way or something like that doesn't bother me, but I understand where you're coming from and I know what you need so I can do this because you need it type of a thing sometimes.
• 36:19
  And that's as good as it's gonna get
• 36:21
  drea: So you, so what you would say is, and I think we talked about this on another show, and a lot of people forget this, is you accept people for who they are.
• 36:30
  Vonnie: the one thing that I feel like really leveled us up, and it's one thing you have to just maybe learn with age, everybody doesn't need to know everything.
• 36:39
  know, sometimes with every fight you go and talk to your mom or talk to your sister, and it just starts rumors.
• 36:45
  And then you find yourself that the only thing you're talking about are the little bad times.
• 36:51
  And now they've built this narrative.
• 36:53
  And now anytime they're looking at that person, they aren't remembering anything nice about them because you're only saying bad things.
• 37:00
  And I had found myself going every time I would, know, come back from my parents' house, we would get into an argument and I had to kind of, how you have to like look at yourself when you're going through anger management.
• 37:14
  Like I had to look at myself.
• 37:14
  I'm like, why am I, getting mad at him for things that didn't originate with me being mad?
• 37:21
  You know, somebody said something and now I'm trying to save face, so now I'm gonna come home and I'm gonna make sure he is not doing X, Y, and Z. It's like, why?
• 37:28
  That's not their business and it's not their marriage.
• 37:31
  And if I didn't have a problem with it two days ago, why do I have a problem with it now?
• 37:35
  Because this person has brought it up.
• 37:37
  Like, okay, that might be their line.
• 37:39
  It doesn't have to be my line, you know?
• 37:40
  So just freeing yourself from the judgment of other people in your relationship and just keeping it and working through it there is really the best way.
• 37:51
  You don't need all of these other people's opinions to make your relationship work.
• 37:57
  Keya: I do love that too.
• 37:58
  And the fact that they say too, um, as the saying goes, forgive that person.
• 38:06
  The person that you told doesn't forgive that person.
• 38:10
  Vonnie: Right.
• 38:11
  I had the privilege of, and I would say that your kids probably have it too, Drea and Keya, that have a place to go, know?
• 38:22
  Keya: Absolutely.
• 38:23
  Vonnie: who don't have the, that strong family or a strong support system so they stick through things that they maybe shouldn't.
• 38:32
  And so I think that's always given me some level of confidence that if this doesn't work out, I got someplace.
• 38:40
  I'm never gonna be homeless.
• 38:42
  I'm never faced with that.
• 38:43
  And there's a privilege that not everybody has, and I understand that.
• 38:46
  Keya: I just want to praise y'all for real, because there, when I was in my psychology courses and, um, when I was in college, I remember the saying that stuck with me so hard.
• 39:04
  professor, we were going through one of our books and, and it was person that suits you in your twenties will not suit you in your thirties because that's so much growth.
• 39:16
  Vonnie: Mm-hmm.
• 39:17
  Keya: fact that y'all were able to work through that,
• 39:21
  Vonnie: I took a sociology of marriage class in my one of the things he said, um, the professor said, you know, in your marriage, he said, you can ask somebody to do something and they can do it however they want.
• 39:38
  Or you can do it yourself, but you can't ask somebody to do something and tell them how and when to do it.
• 39:46
  And I remember telling Manuel that early, and that's something that we have taken it seems like really small, but there are so many times when you ask somebody to do something for you.
• 39:57
  And now if you didn't set it up and saying, Hey, can you get this done by this date?
• 40:01
  And that's what they agreed to, then you either need to do it yourself they're going to do it because they said they're gonna do it and you're gonna let them do it how and whenever they want to.
• 40:12
  So that stops a lot.
• 40:14
  Like I'm not nagging three or four times because if I say, Hey, can you hang up some blinds?
• 40:20
  I bought these blinds.
• 40:21
  Can you hang 'em up?
• 40:22
  He is like, sure, I'll hang them up.
• 40:23
  But I actually want them hung up by the end of the day.
• 40:27
  Well, if he's not doing it in the timeframe that I'm starting to feel like I want these blinds up, I want these blinds up, I'm just, I start doing it and it's not a knock.
• 40:35
  Hey, yeah, I heard you were gonna do it, but I kind of wanted them up right now, so just,
• 40:39
  drea: That's actually a really good point 'cause, um.
• 40:42
  Vonnie: Yeah.
• 40:43
  drea: And a lot of times us women, when we ask them to do something, we low-key want it done right then and there.
• 40:49
  But men do like to be needed and they do want to do things for us.
• 40:53
  However, if we don't give a time or a date or a deadline, so let's say I say today's Tuesday, I need this shit done by next week on Tuesday.
• 41:03
  Okay, we can't expect that done Wednesday or Thursday.
• 41:06
  Just know that there's a possibility it's gonna be done by Tuesday.
• 41:09
  Vonnie: you guys know like I, I. Redid my kitchen cabinets and, and countertops.
• 41:16
  And we had been talking about it and he had agreed, he's like, yeah, we can do this together.
• 41:20
  I put up the paint chips I had, we had decided on the colors and then we had just, neither of us had just sat down and picked any sort of time.
• 41:27
  And so when he was gonna be gone for a week and a half, I was like, well, this is my only opportunity that if I want to do it myself, I can because I can shut down the kitchen.
• 41:38
  And I did it.
• 41:39
  He came home and it was done.
• 41:40
  So it was a lot of work.
• 41:41
  It was hard.
• 41:42
  I don't recommend doing it all by yourself But so that's one of the things, you know, just a little tidbit, you know, either pick something that's a core tenant that you can just because these little things are gonna happen.
• 41:54
  I mean, day in and day out with somebody, they're gonna annoy you.
• 41:56
  Think of your, if you're not an only child, like your siblings, like day in and day out, they annoy you, but you're able to just come right back around the next day and it's like, that didn't happen.
• 42:05
  So we do that a lot.
• 42:08
  Keya: I definitely, I love that.
• 42:10
  I love that piece of advice.
• 42:12
  Pick your core tenant and stick with it and always go back to it during the rough times if, y'all are not agreeing.
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