Latest / MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt / I Could See How God Existed and How He Didn't — So I Just Chose: My Journey With Faith and Doubt
Transcript
- Brynne Erickson (00:29) Good evening, everybody. My kids are in bed. So I'm going to sit and record a couple episodes. And the topics of faith and agency have been on my mind. And I love both of these things. Have it always been kind of a rocky relationship. But I now am in a space that I absolutely love faith and I love. Agency. I love the power to choose. I feel like I own my agency in the way that God intended us to for like the first time in my life. And faith is really cool, especially in a religious sense, spiritual sense, because there isn't proof other than your personal proof, right? What you feel. And that is awesome and amazing. and makes it flexible and personal. And in the beginning of my faith journey, I don't love the term faith crisis, but it felt like a crisis when I was deconstructing my faith, all these terms, right? Deconstructing my faith, breaking it down, asking the questions, dissecting, trying to make sense of things that once made sense. And I never had any problems with or doubts or confusion concerning. And yet I was in a space of all of that. And it was uncomfortable and scary and heavy and. Maybe that is just part of the process, but I don't know that it necessarily has to be. I think it was felt so big and heavy and scary because it was almost like there was this feeling like I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be in the space of asking questions and having doubts. But as I grappled and confided in my higher power, which I call Heavenly Father, or God, as I confided in them. came to better understand that this actually was a space for growth. And I began to embrace it rather than fear it. And it has blossomed into this amazing ongoing experience and dialogue with my Heavenly Father. And now I speak very openly about it and have found many people that have gone through the same thing that I have or are there and are still there like me and still trying to make sense and ask questions and figure things out one day at a time and draw conclusions that feel good today and they might not be that way tomorrow. And I've become really okay with that. I heard someone say after a prayer one time, and that is how I feel today. Or like that is... And those are my thoughts for today. And I loved how that like gave permission to change your mind, to evolve, to come up with a different conclusion. And I think that's part of the process of this life experience. So as you are coming up in religion, in having questions and It can seem kind of scary. I think it's actually, it's part of the process of growth. It can be anyway. There's this awesome book by Fowler called Stages of Faith. I haven't actually read the book, but I've heard lots of people reference it. And essentially there are stages of growth within our faith, just like in human development. There are natural stages that we hit, that we pass through. as we're developing and growing. Same thing with our faith. Our faith has to grow. Our faith has to develop. It's like a muscle, right? And sometimes we come to a place of comfort and we grow in certain ways, but not in other ways. And that's just fine. Like it really is okay to grow and maybe plateau. in certain beliefs and just be okay with believing them. And it's okay to not be okay with those beliefs that I'm starting to just ramble. But stages of faith, it's a real thing. Highly recommend you do a little Google search on that. It's been very helpful to me in knowing that growing and elevating in my faith is a part of this human experience and it's okay and actually empowering. So I have, I love the process of dissecting my faith, asking the questions, searching for answers. I'm not afraid of any resources anymore. I go off of how I feel, how they make me feel. And for me, if it feels heavy, then I move on. I don't put too much time into that. But if it helps my heart feel light, and at peace and calm, then I will put more time into that resource. And it has opened me up to this beautiful world of spirituality and different perspectives that I have grown to love outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And, I was a part of my journey when I was in the thick of my crisis. I came to the conclusion that I could see how God existed and how God could not exist. And I was really stuck there because I could find and feel evidence for both. And I didn't know what to do. So I was actually talking to my friend, Sheena Weirich, who I actually have an interview with. She is a energy healer. And I was having a session with her and I told her this and she said, Brynn, will you just choose? And I thought about that and I prayed about that to a God that I wasn't sure was there, but I wanted to believe and I poured my heart out and I was like, look, I can see how you exist, but I can also see how you don't. And I realized because I just wanted to believe. That was enough. And I went in all in on that. I was like, you know what? This has served me. And I like this. I like believing in this higher power. I like believing in source. I'm just going to continue that and what that could look like for me. But I'm also okay if when I die, it doesn't pan out to really be that way. There isn't some higher being there waiting for me. And I don't even know what that would look like. Like when we meet, then what? I haven't put much thought into that. But if it just doesn't turn out that God isn't there, Jesus isn't there, you know what? Those beliefs are serving me here. And now they empower me, they comfort me. And I like that. And I'm okay with that. So I'm okay believing that they exist. And I'm also okay if they don't. And that's when I really felt like I was taking hold of my agency, choosing what I want to believe. based on my own desires. Because again, faith, I didn't expect God or Jesus to come to me and show themselves to me. And even if they did, would I recognize them? mean, Jesus came and what did we do? The people denied who he said he was. They refused to believe that and crucified him, killed him. because they thought he was an imposter and not the son of God. And in fact, someone to be a threat, right? Someone to be feared. So they got rid of him. So it makes me wonder if even if they came and show themselves to me, would I recognize them? Would I know them? I would hope so. But I don't expect that to happen for me to like wait for that to choose and go all in on them. I can just do that now because I want to. And honoring what I want and my desires. And I have given permission for others to do the same. I don't believe that there is one correct belief anymore. At least that's how I feel today. And I have felt that way for a while now. And it's going to continue to evolve. Who knows? That might be something that changes. But for right now, I genuinely believe. that there are multiple ways to live this life and be blessed and experience joy. And if you believe in a higher power to access them and their power. Because I believe in a loving God that loves all of his children, regardless of the choices that they make, whether they attend church, whether they don't. no matter who they choose to love. I believe in a loving God. and it has made such a difference for me. and giving myself permission to choose. And I strive to choose love as often as I can. That has also been a great guide for me is what would love do and what matters most. I made a poster about three years ago and it says what is needed, what would love do, and what matters most. And those have served me really well. And so if you are on your faith journey, which all of us are in some way, but there are many that is much heavier and feels like a crisis. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you love and strength. And I hope that you find the next right step on your journey. I have no doubt that you will. And I hope that you recognize it when you find it. You're awesome. Thanks for your time, everybody. Have an amazing night.