Latest / Beautifully Complex / 368: Preparing for the Back-to-School Transition, with Penny Williams

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368: Preparing for the Back-to-School Transition, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

0:01
Speaker 1: Part of this experience for nerudivergent kids is that environments
0:05
Speaker 1: that aren't made for them are a struggle. We can't
0:08
Speaker 1: completely take that away, but we can prepare for things
0:12
Speaker 1: to go as smoothly as possible. And I want to
0:17
Speaker 1: share those preparations with you. I want to share with
0:20
Speaker 1: you what I learned after a lot of trial and
0:23
Speaker 1: error that was really going to help.
0:27
Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
0:30
Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
0:35
Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
0:39
Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
0:42
Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
0:47
Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
0:51
Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
0:57
Speaker 1: Welcome back, everyone. I am so excited to have you
1:01
Speaker 1: here with me, all of you who are just wonderfully
1:06
Speaker 1: carrying adults in the lives of a neurodivergent kid. I
1:11
Speaker 1: want to talk to you about back to school. It's
1:14
Speaker 1: the end of July, and I know for me, at
1:17
Speaker 1: that point in the year, I was already bracing. I
1:22
Speaker 1: was already cringing because I knew school was coming, and
1:28
Speaker 1: school was so hard for my kid, so hard for
1:31
Speaker 1: me honestly as well, and so I was bracing. I
1:37
Speaker 1: was trying so hard mentally to stop time, to put
1:42
Speaker 1: it off because it was just so hard, and I
1:46
Speaker 1: wanted to protect my kid from those difficulties and really
1:51
Speaker 1: protect myself. But of course we can't stop time. I
1:56
Speaker 1: was unable to stop time. And eventually every year went
1:59
Speaker 1: by and my kid graduated, and now here we are
2:03
Speaker 1: as a young adult. And over the years, those thirteen
2:08
Speaker 1: years of school, doing it with my own kid, it
2:13
Speaker 1: taught me a few things the really hard way. I
2:17
Speaker 1: learned a lot of lessons the really hard way. But
2:21
Speaker 1: that means that you don't have to learn them the
2:24
Speaker 1: hard way to write. You don't have to keep trying
2:28
Speaker 1: things and them not work and struggle. Of course, I
2:31
Speaker 1: don't have all the answers. Part of this experience for
2:35
Speaker 1: neudivergent kids is that environments that aren't made for them
2:39
Speaker 1: are a struggle. We can't completely take that away, but
2:42
Speaker 1: we can prepare for things to go as smoothly as possible.
2:47
Speaker 1: And I want to share those preparations with you. I
2:51
Speaker 1: want to share with you what I learned after a
2:55
Speaker 1: lot of trial and error that was really going to help.
2:59
Speaker 1: I have five tips to share with you. All of
3:01
Speaker 1: them you can start today. You don't need any supplies,
3:04
Speaker 1: you don't need any preparation. They are sort of these
3:09
Speaker 1: really easy quick wins that you can go ahead and
3:12
Speaker 1: get started on for the impending school year, which is
3:17
Speaker 1: going to come no matter how much we might try
3:20
Speaker 1: to will it not to. The first tip that I
3:23
Speaker 1: want to talk to you about is mornings. I cannot
3:26
Speaker 1: tell you how many parents I have talked to in
3:29
Speaker 1: coaching calls who want help with mornings, and we struggled
3:34
Speaker 1: with mornings as well. There's a lot of executive function
3:37
Speaker 1: required in the morning, and a lot of our nerdive,
3:41
Speaker 1: vergent kids struggle with executive functioning. So right there, there's
3:44
Speaker 1: already a likely gap between skill and what's required to
3:50
Speaker 1: be able to manage themselves in the morning on their own.
3:53
Speaker 1: But we can do things that mitigate that negative impact
3:57
Speaker 1: of executive function deficits, things like visual routine charts. I've
4:03
Speaker 1: talked about the visual routine card that I had for
4:06
Speaker 1: my own kid for mornings many times before, but it
4:10
Speaker 1: really changed everything, and it was the one and only
4:14
Speaker 1: list or chart or checklist that had any positive influence
4:20
Speaker 1: and impact. So I want you to not try necessarily
4:25
Speaker 1: to systemize the whole morning at once, but pick the
4:29
Speaker 1: single hardest transition in the mornings. What is it? Is
4:34
Speaker 1: it coming from bed and waking up and getting up?
4:37
Speaker 1: Is it going from eating breakfast which is pretty low demand,
4:42
Speaker 1: to then having to put on clothes and get hygiene
4:46
Speaker 1: and get your things prepared. Is it the transition out
4:50
Speaker 1: the door and onto the school bus or into the car?
4:54
Speaker 1: What is the thing that is the most difficult piece
4:57
Speaker 1: of your mornings right now? And anchor on just that one?
5:01
Speaker 1: Think about what can you do to help whatever is
5:05
Speaker 1: getting in the way in that particular piece of the morning.
5:10
Speaker 1: We have to start small. We have to get whins
5:13
Speaker 1: where we can get them so that we feel confident
5:17
Speaker 1: to keep going so our kid feels confident to keep
5:21
Speaker 1: using the tools that we might be trying to provide
5:24
Speaker 1: to them, because their buy in is the ultimate key.
5:29
Speaker 1: Right If you have a kid that either that system
5:31
Speaker 1: or tool doesn't work for them or they are not
5:34
Speaker 1: interested in using it, then there is no chance of
5:39
Speaker 1: success there. So pick one piece of the morning to
5:43
Speaker 1: focus on write down maybe three to five things that
5:47
Speaker 1: you think are getting in the way in that moment,
5:51
Speaker 1: and then take it one step further and think about
5:54
Speaker 1: what could you try that's different, because if it's not working,
5:58
Speaker 1: then you have to do something different right. Bedtime is
6:03
Speaker 1: probably the second most thing that parents talk to me
6:05
Speaker 1: about as a parent coach. Bedtime is really difficult for
6:11
Speaker 1: a lot of reasons, one of which is that going
6:14
Speaker 1: to sleep and staying asleep is often difficult for neurodivergent kids,
6:20
Speaker 1: and many of them are night owls, so asking them
6:22
Speaker 1: to go to bed at a reasonable time is very
6:26
Speaker 1: difficult because their body just doesn't function on that timeline. Also,
6:33
Speaker 1: some kids have anxiety about going to sleep. They have
6:36
Speaker 1: anxiety about being left alone in the room, but they
6:39
Speaker 1: also have anxiety about being unconscious and what might happen
6:44
Speaker 1: during that time. And then often they don't want to
6:48
Speaker 1: stop doing fun things to go to sleep. Getting in
6:53
Speaker 1: bed to go to sleep is boring. Why would you
6:56
Speaker 1: want to do that right? Unless you are super tired
6:59
Speaker 1: or you can really see the value and getting to
7:03
Speaker 1: sleep or getting to bed earlier, you're going to have
7:07
Speaker 1: a hard time doing it right. And so we want
7:10
Speaker 1: to start shifting that bedtime routine now for the start
7:17
Speaker 1: of school. Don't wait until the night before the first
7:21
Speaker 1: day to start implementing an earlier sleep schedule. Now, if
7:25
Speaker 1: you've kept the same sleep schedule all summer long, then
7:28
Speaker 1: you're pretty golden in that aspect. What are other ways
7:32
Speaker 1: that you might help to change the struggle with bedtime?
7:37
Speaker 1: Sometimes there's a lot of executive function that goes into
7:40
Speaker 1: bedtime too. We have to change our clothes. That means
7:43
Speaker 1: finding our pajamas. That means putting our dirty clothes where
7:47
Speaker 1: they're supposed to live. That could mean a length of
7:50
Speaker 1: hygiene requirements, brushing teeth, washing face, maybe brushing hair, you know,
7:58
Speaker 1: taking a shower, take a bath. There's lots of things
8:02
Speaker 1: that sometimes we ask our kids to do at bedtime
8:05
Speaker 1: that will require some executive functioning. So if they are
8:09
Speaker 1: struggling with the executive functioning, what can you do to
8:13
Speaker 1: try to help with that? Again, think about one spot
8:17
Speaker 1: right now, just one It is a real hurdle, and
8:21
Speaker 1: brainstorm a few things that might be getting in the way,
8:24
Speaker 1: and then a few things you can do to mitigate
8:27
Speaker 1: those hurdles. The body doesn't just reset on commands, so
8:33
Speaker 1: It's really important if you're timing for summer and sleep
8:39
Speaker 1: is different than your timeline for sleep during the school year,
8:42
Speaker 1: that you build in a gradual window to shift and
8:47
Speaker 1: adjust for that gradual is always going to work better
8:52
Speaker 1: than a cold turkey sudden change. It just is. There
8:56
Speaker 1: are also things that can help kids who struggle with
8:59
Speaker 1: sleep by logically, like melatonin, sleepy time, tea, weighted blankets,
9:06
Speaker 1: things like that could be really good tools to help
9:10
Speaker 1: you during that time as well. Number three is homework.
9:17
Speaker 1: Another one of the things that I hear parents seeking
9:21
Speaker 1: help for a lot, but also homework was a huge
9:26
Speaker 1: struggle for us because this kid was fighting all day
9:29
Speaker 1: to keep it together to try to meet expectations. He
9:32
Speaker 1: had no capacity when he got home for anything school related.
9:36
Speaker 1: And also he has dysgraphia, and so he'd been asked
9:41
Speaker 1: to write all day long. The last thing that he
9:45
Speaker 1: wanted to do was write some more. It was so
9:49
Speaker 1: taxing for him. So let's look at what can be
9:53
Speaker 1: getting in the way of getting homework completed successfully. If
9:59
Speaker 1: it is a a daily struggle, we need to first
10:03
Speaker 1: ask is it motivation or is it a volume or
10:07
Speaker 1: format problem. Most of the time it's not going to
10:11
Speaker 1: be a motivation issue. It's really going to be an
10:16
Speaker 1: availability to learn issue. Do I have the capacity? Do
10:21
Speaker 1: I feel like I have enough support or accommodation to
10:25
Speaker 1: be able to do this? That reframe alone is going
10:29
Speaker 1: to change how you respond when you're struggling with homework.
10:34
Speaker 1: But understand that when a child is not doing homework,
10:39
Speaker 1: they're avoiding, they're refusing. Those are signals of a need.
10:45
Speaker 1: Those are signals of a problem. What is getting in
10:49
Speaker 1: the way Because kids really do want to please us,
10:53
Speaker 1: They want to do the things that are expected of them.
10:56
Speaker 1: If you're finding that that's not the case, then there's
11:00
Speaker 1: something getting in the way. But I want you to
11:02
Speaker 1: reframe it and think about the fact that it's actually
11:05
Speaker 1: a can't and not a won't. It's a can't and
11:10
Speaker 1: not a won't. Okay, Just that piece alone is going
11:14
Speaker 1: to make things so much more insightful for you, Like
11:19
Speaker 1: it's going to open your mind in a way that's
11:21
Speaker 1: going to help to guide you toward figuring out what
11:25
Speaker 1: that problem, that hurdle actually is. Sometimes it's about getting
11:31
Speaker 1: reduced homework accommodation because a lot of our kids have
11:34
Speaker 1: slow processing speed and they should not be punched for that.
11:38
Speaker 1: So if the teacher for your child expects that they're
11:41
Speaker 1: doing thirty minutes a night on homework and yet your
11:45
Speaker 1: kid is taking them two hours, that's not okay. They
11:48
Speaker 1: need reduced assignments. They should only be required to do
11:52
Speaker 1: thirty minutes as well, not to do the whole assignment
11:55
Speaker 1: until it's done, no matter how long it takes. Getting
11:58
Speaker 1: creative leaning into what is your kids learning style? Are
12:03
Speaker 1: they kinesthetic? Do they need movement, do they need texture?
12:07
Speaker 1: Do they need more audio? Do they need more visual?
12:10
Speaker 1: How can you adjust homework so that it leans into
12:14
Speaker 1: that and works for them. The fourth tip that I
12:31
Speaker 1: have for you is around school calls and school meetings
12:36
Speaker 1: because they are in evitability for most of our nerdiversion kids.
12:40
Speaker 1: Some nerdiversient kids are so fearful of getting in trouble
12:44
Speaker 1: that they're able to somehow hold it together. But that's
12:47
Speaker 1: not what we want for our kids. We don't want
12:49
Speaker 1: their behavior to be governed by fear that is going
12:52
Speaker 1: to harm them. So we want them to be able
12:56
Speaker 1: to feel safe in the environment so that they can
13:01
Speaker 1: be regulated so that we don't have challenging behavior. But
13:06
Speaker 1: it can be a process to get there, especially if
13:09
Speaker 1: you have a kid with a really sensitive nervous system,
13:12
Speaker 1: or who is very easily disregulated, or maybe they kind
13:15
Speaker 1: of live on the fringe of dysregulation and they're very vigilant.
13:19
Speaker 1: Their nervous system is just right on the edge, hyper
13:22
Speaker 1: vigilant all the time. That kind of thing leads to
13:27
Speaker 1: not meeting expectations at school, which can then lead to
13:30
Speaker 1: those calls in those school meetings. Right, so, I want
13:33
Speaker 1: you to first decide about your non negotiables in a steady,
13:39
Speaker 1: stable moment. Don't do it when you've had that first
13:43
Speaker 1: call from school this coming year, or right before you're
13:46
Speaker 1: going to have your first meeting. That's not the time. Now,
13:51
Speaker 1: and when you're feeling pretty safe and comfortable yourself is
13:56
Speaker 1: when you decide what your non negotiables are for your kid.
14:01
Speaker 1: It's a non negotiable that they don't get suspended for
14:05
Speaker 1: behavior or punished for behavior. Is a non negotiable that
14:09
Speaker 1: they don't get separated from their peers. Is a non
14:13
Speaker 1: negotiable that they don't have to do longer homework than
14:18
Speaker 1: their peers. You know what is it for you that
14:22
Speaker 1: is a hardline in the sand. You need to determine
14:26
Speaker 1: that before you're involved in any conversation. Deciding under pressure
14:32
Speaker 1: is a mistake. The disagreement may not be a mistake,
14:37
Speaker 1: but getting really reactive and speaking in that reactive space
14:43
Speaker 1: is likely going to be a mistake. I can tell
14:45
Speaker 1: you from experience. There are many times where I said
14:50
Speaker 1: things in a way because I was dysregulated, because I
14:53
Speaker 1: was having a hard time that I wish I had
14:56
Speaker 1: been able to say differently, or wish I could have
14:58
Speaker 1: a do over on right. But knowing what your non
15:02
Speaker 1: negotiables are helps you going into calls or meetings. But
15:07
Speaker 1: I don't want you to be like a robot or
15:11
Speaker 1: a soldier or super inflexible because you have some non negotiables.
15:17
Speaker 1: It's not okay, Well, these are the things that I
15:20
Speaker 1: must have or my kid must have, and that's what
15:24
Speaker 1: you need to know. And I'm not bending right. We
15:27
Speaker 1: have to go into it collaboratively. But knowing where your
15:32
Speaker 1: boundaries are is important. It will help you in those
15:37
Speaker 1: conversations and it will help you with your advocacy. And
15:42
Speaker 1: then the fifth and final piece for back to school
15:46
Speaker 1: is overwhelm. I want to help you with overwhelm, and
15:50
Speaker 1: I know I can't erase it completely. But when we
15:54
Speaker 1: are able to get sort of clear about what we
15:59
Speaker 1: need to do, so not being anxious before we have
16:02
Speaker 1: things to be anxious about right and really timing things
16:06
Speaker 1: so that works for our own nervous system, then things
16:10
Speaker 1: go more smoothly. You don't need a whole bunch of
16:14
Speaker 1: new systems for the school year. You just need a
16:18
Speaker 1: few things in place that are going to help make
16:22
Speaker 1: that transition smoother for now. That's just what you need
16:25
Speaker 1: to focus on. So one thing you could do right
16:29
Speaker 1: now is to pick one spot in your house and
16:32
Speaker 1: that is now the school infozone. Everything school information related
16:39
Speaker 1: should be compiled in that spot for you and for
16:43
Speaker 1: your kids, for everyone in the house. This is the
16:46
Speaker 1: school infozone. This is a spot. It could be a basket.
16:50
Speaker 1: It could be a bin. It could be you know,
16:52
Speaker 1: a taped rectangle on top of a bookshelf with a
16:56
Speaker 1: piece of paper there that says school infozone. It could
17:00
Speaker 1: be a basket that hangs on the wall. It could
17:03
Speaker 1: be a magnet on the fridge, a certain magnet that
17:06
Speaker 1: holds all your school info. That might get heavy and
17:09
Speaker 1: become a problem, but it's an idea. So what's going
17:12
Speaker 1: to work for you and your family. Where can you
17:15
Speaker 1: establish that this is the point where all the school
17:19
Speaker 1: info goos. This is the point where you put your
17:21
Speaker 1: papers that you need me to see your process. This
17:24
Speaker 1: is where I put the papers that you need to
17:26
Speaker 1: take back to school or you need to do something
17:28
Speaker 1: with for school. Right, then be open to figuring out
17:33
Speaker 1: the rest of that as you move through the timeline.
17:37
Speaker 1: This is just one thing for one day tomorrow or
17:42
Speaker 1: the day after. You might think about, Okay, where is
17:47
Speaker 1: the drop zone our command center going to be? For us?
17:51
Speaker 1: It was a backpack and a shoe cubby like a
17:54
Speaker 1: hook behind the door, and a shoe cubby or a
17:56
Speaker 1: shoe closet, And every time we came in or out
18:00
Speaker 1: of the house, that stuff always went there first. That way,
18:04
Speaker 1: we weren't looking for a matching shoe for twenty minutes
18:07
Speaker 1: and late for school the next morning. Right, So be
18:11
Speaker 1: thinking about other things. But I don't want you to
18:14
Speaker 1: overwhelm yourself. I want you to take at one step
18:17
Speaker 1: at a time, because here's the thing. Doing this well
18:21
Speaker 1: for your specific kid usually takes more than I can
18:27
Speaker 1: give you in one short podcast. And I would even
18:31
Speaker 1: say it always takes more because we have complex kids, right,
18:35
Speaker 1: So we need to look at a lot of different
18:39
Speaker 1: things and consider a lot of different things, and there's
18:41
Speaker 1: so many different moving parts. But you can only do
18:46
Speaker 1: what you can do in the moment. So I want
18:49
Speaker 1: you to really break it down, and I want you
18:51
Speaker 1: to be thinking about it now until school starts. Don't
18:55
Speaker 1: wait until the week before or the day before, because
19:00
Speaker 1: then it is going to be a mad scramble and
19:02
Speaker 1: it will be overwhelming. If any of that made a
19:06
Speaker 1: lot of sense to you, if any of that sounded like, Ooh,
19:09
Speaker 1: this might work, or oh that was the permission I
19:11
Speaker 1: needed to slow down and take it one step at
19:15
Speaker 1: a time. That's exactly what the back to school prep
19:18
Speaker 1: week is, except I'm not just going to tell you
19:22
Speaker 1: my tips and my ideas. We're actually going to sit
19:25
Speaker 1: together on Zoom and build the actual things, live together
19:30
Speaker 1: in a group customize tailored to your individual kid. So
19:36
Speaker 1: we're going to design your kid's routine cards, your kid's
19:40
Speaker 1: morning routine, bedtime routine, how that might look. What tools
19:44
Speaker 1: might you use to overcome executive function struggles. We're going
19:50
Speaker 1: to build your scripts for actual school meetings, IP meetings,
19:56
Speaker 1: five oh four meetings. We're going to work together to
20:00
Speaker 1: create a safety plan for your kid. What would it
20:04
Speaker 1: take at school to help your kid feel safe, to
20:07
Speaker 1: create an environment with queues of safety that their nervous
20:11
Speaker 1: system needs. What would that look like at home? Let's
20:15
Speaker 1: build it out for your specific kid. We have fourteen
20:20
Speaker 1: different workshops and I believe it is ten or eleven
20:26
Speaker 1: of them that is live. Eleven of them are live
20:29
Speaker 1: together each day from noon to two pm. We tackle
20:33
Speaker 1: two of them and we tackle it together, so we're
20:37
Speaker 1: doing this in real time together. And everything that's part
20:41
Speaker 1: of back to school prep week is all of the
20:45
Speaker 1: stuff that I wish that I had had at the
20:47
Speaker 1: beginning that I ended up learning the hard way. I
20:51
Speaker 1: don't want you to learn it the hard way. I
20:53
Speaker 1: don't want you to have a bunch of trial and error.
20:56
Speaker 1: There's going to be some of that because you have
20:57
Speaker 1: to customize this for your kid, But I can help
21:01
Speaker 1: you to prepare for a lot of what is to
21:04
Speaker 1: come in a way that's going to make the transition
21:07
Speaker 1: back to school smooth and also your school year smoother.
21:12
Speaker 1: And that's what I want for you. I really want
21:17
Speaker 1: for you to be able to have a breath, Take
21:21
Speaker 1: a breath, not freak out, not be overwhelmed, not have
21:26
Speaker 1: so much dread. I want that to be a different
21:29
Speaker 1: experience for you than it was for me in the
21:33
Speaker 1: early years. Many of our parents who came to Back
21:36
Speaker 1: to School Prep Week in twenty twenty five and twenty
21:38
Speaker 1: twenty four said that it was so helpful that it
21:41
Speaker 1: was a relief, that they felt truly prepared, that they
21:45
Speaker 1: felt at ease more than they had before that. So
21:50
Speaker 1: it really can make a big difference for you and
21:54
Speaker 1: of course for your kid as well. So dates for
21:57
Speaker 1: Back to School Prep Week or August third through the seventh,
22:00
Speaker 1: twenty twenty six live. We have two different topics that
22:05
Speaker 1: we go through in a two hour time block each day.
22:09
Speaker 1: There is a twenty minute break in the middle so
22:12
Speaker 1: that we can get what our nervous systems need. We
22:15
Speaker 1: can have a break, we can breathe, we can get
22:17
Speaker 1: some food, some water, we can walk around. Right. Well,
22:20
Speaker 1: we'll have a break there, but we'll put two topics
22:23
Speaker 1: together to make it easier for you to fit into
22:26
Speaker 1: your schedule. So registration if you are interested PARENTINGADHD and
22:32
Speaker 1: autism dot com slash prep slash pr EP. That's it.
22:39
Speaker 1: All the information is there. We start Monday, August third.
22:43
Speaker 1: I would love to see you there, but even if
22:46
Speaker 1: I don't, go through the steps and the tips that
22:48
Speaker 1: I've outlined here in this podcast episode, so you can
22:52
Speaker 1: start to do some of your own prep to make
22:54
Speaker 1: back to school transition a little bit easier for you
22:59
Speaker 1: and your family. Take good care, guys, I'll see you
23:02
Speaker 1: next time.
23:05
Speaker 2: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
23:08
Speaker 2: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
23:11
Speaker 2: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
23:14
Speaker 2: and leave a quick review so others can find this
23:17
Speaker 2: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
23:21
Speaker 2: Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
23:25
Speaker 2: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
23:30
Speaker 2: more info at regulated kids dot com