Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #733 What Keeps Kylie Up at Night

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#733 What Keeps Kylie Up at Night · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
0:07
Speaker 2: Time poor parent who just once answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now, for the last twenty five years, have I ever
0:12
Speaker 1: woken up in the middle of the night for anything?
0:15
Speaker 3: Know?
0:15
Speaker 4: What's hilarious is the amount of times I have literally
0:17
Speaker 4: physically assaulted you in your sleep so that you would get.
0:21
Speaker 2: Up to the screaming child.
0:24
Speaker 1: No, I don't. It's completely oblivious. And now here's the
0:28
Speaker 1: stars of our show, my mum and dad. Gooday. This
0:32
Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy Families dot
0:34
Speaker 1: com dot au and the dad to six daughters who
0:38
Speaker 1: I share with my wife of twenty five years, Kylie,
0:41
Speaker 1: missus Happy Families, Kylie. Last day of school for Queensland
0:45
Speaker 1: kids today. School holidays is upon us, folks. We are
0:50
Speaker 1: just going to make a quick public service announcement, community
0:52
Speaker 1: service announcement. We're going to take the next couple of
0:55
Speaker 1: weeks and try to holiday well. We haven't holiday particularly well.
0:58
Speaker 2: How do you think you're going to go for this star?
1:00
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that shortly for our I'll do better tomorrow,
1:02
Speaker 1: but today I'll do better tomorrow. What we do in
1:06
Speaker 1: this podcast is play around with the things that we've
1:08
Speaker 1: done well, the things that we haven't done so well,
1:10
Speaker 1: and try to be better parents. This is the bit
1:12
Speaker 1: where the parenting expert and his wife, who is probably
1:15
Speaker 1: a better parenting expert than me, to be honest, review
1:19
Speaker 1: and get personal about how things are going in our
1:23
Speaker 1: home and what we're trying to do better. I'll do
1:27
Speaker 1: better tomorrow, Kylie, why don't you kick us off? What
1:29
Speaker 1: would you like to do better tomorrow? Based on how
1:32
Speaker 1: things have gone this week.
1:34
Speaker 5: So one of the things that I have recognized about
1:36
Speaker 5: myself when the kids are having some significant meltdowns is
1:41
Speaker 5: often I am not particularly compassionate. I see things through
1:45
Speaker 5: my eyes and I'm like, what are you getting all
1:47
Speaker 5: worked up about? And I've had a couple of experiences
1:49
Speaker 5: this week where it has been all on. So the
1:54
Speaker 5: other night I walked into the house and I could
1:56
Speaker 5: hear hysterics coming from Annie's bedroom fifteen and she's working
2:02
Speaker 5: on an English book at the moment. So she was
2:05
Speaker 5: reading the book Thief. So it's a book, a war story,
2:10
Speaker 5: and she knew that she was coming up to the
2:11
Speaker 5: last of it, and she also knew that there was
2:13
Speaker 5: going to be tragedy in the book. But in spite
2:16
Speaker 5: of the fact that she knew who was going to die,
2:19
Speaker 5: the fact that it happened. Literally, like, I walked in, thinking,
2:23
Speaker 5: is she laughing or is she crying? If you listen
2:25
Speaker 5: to the podcast with the birth announce a birth announce
2:28
Speaker 5: and she's crying because she's going to be an nicety,
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Speaker 5: she's laughing.
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Speaker 2: At the same time, And so it was that kind
2:31
Speaker 2: of me. It was hysteria.
2:32
Speaker 1: It was really big.
2:34
Speaker 5: And so I've kind of walked in and she's on
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Speaker 5: the phone to her cousin. They're face timing, and she's
2:39
Speaker 5: bowling her eyes out and she's like it's okay, mom,
2:41
Speaker 5: I'm all right in the middle of all of her hysteria,
2:44
Speaker 5: and I'm kind of just looking at her, going what
2:46
Speaker 5: is going on?
2:48
Speaker 1: But just for context here, this crying is off the charts.
2:53
Speaker 1: I mean really hardcore, whole body racked sobs kind of crying, right,
3:00
Speaker 1: I mean, this is and it's loud the whole neighborhood.
3:02
Speaker 1: I'm sure the whole neighbor could hear it and going
3:04
Speaker 1: what's going on here?
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Speaker 5: So anyway, I stayed there for a minute and I
3:08
Speaker 5: just kind of looked at her. I was trying to
3:09
Speaker 5: work out what was going on. She hung up on
3:12
Speaker 5: her cousin. I don't think she even said goodbye, and
3:15
Speaker 5: she just said all of my characters in my book
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Speaker 5: just died.
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Speaker 2: So and then that just brought on a whole other way.
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Speaker 1: It's a great book of hysteria, great book the book.
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Speaker 5: See, she was just inconsolable. Yeah, like just and so
3:30
Speaker 5: my initial reaction was very similar to your reaction, which was, oh,
3:35
Speaker 5: is that all it is?
3:36
Speaker 2: And you walked out of the room.
3:38
Speaker 1: Okay, So for context, sorry, I just I need to
3:40
Speaker 1: excuse myself this. We had just walked the dog. Normally
3:46
Speaker 1: we're finished walking the dog and we get to bed
3:48
Speaker 1: at a reasonable time. Bearing in mind the next morning,
3:50
Speaker 1: I've got to get up at four o'clock to ride
3:52
Speaker 1: my bike. I have to get up at four, have to.
3:55
Speaker 1: So I was late coming into the house because I
3:58
Speaker 1: was looking after something out. I've stepped into the bedroom,
4:02
Speaker 1: you're already there. You've got this under control. I don't
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Speaker 1: need to be there. So I wasn't being dismissive. I
4:09
Speaker 1: wasn't being cruel, heartless or unkind. I wasn't lacking an empathy.
4:12
Speaker 3: I was just the parenting to rationalize however, we wanted here.
4:16
Speaker 1: The pairing is being done by missus happy families, and
4:20
Speaker 1: I'm going to bed, and so I did. And I
4:23
Speaker 1: think that I was asleep before you got to the bedroom.
4:26
Speaker 1: It's just gone.
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Speaker 5: Anyway, if I can jump forward to a few days later,
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Speaker 5: we have baby number five, Lily, Yeah, twelve years of
4:36
Speaker 5: age and has a real fear of needles. Well, in
4:41
Speaker 5: order for us to go away these holidays, she had
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Speaker 5: to get her COVID vaccination first time round.
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Speaker 2: I literally had to pin her down in the chair.
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Speaker 2: She was hysterical.
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Speaker 5: We were in a small pharmacy with a whole heap
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Speaker 5: of elderly people walking in to get their weekly prescriptions.
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Speaker 5: Could see my legs hanging out of the cubicle and
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Speaker 5: a child screaming hysterically in behind the curtain, and had
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Speaker 5: no idea what was going on. When I walked out, finally,
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Speaker 5: they looked at me like I must be like massacring
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Speaker 5: my daughter. Like it was just it was so intense.
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Speaker 1: Where was I making someone's happy family. I'm sure you
5:22
Speaker 1: happened somewhere.
5:23
Speaker 2: Else, definitely.
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Speaker 5: Well, we knew that we had to do the second vaccination,
5:29
Speaker 5: and I was dreading it and I have had all
5:32
Speaker 5: of the conversations how.
5:34
Speaker 1: You were dreading it. How do you think she was
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Speaker 1: feeling goshious? This goes back to your thing about you
5:39
Speaker 1: don't have a lot of empathy when you step into
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Speaker 1: the bedroom.
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Speaker 5: So anyway, we got there and and the tears are
5:46
Speaker 5: already coming down. We haven't even walked into the chemist
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Speaker 5: before she's already crying.
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Speaker 1: It's so bad.
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Speaker 5: And we got into the cubicle and the nurse could
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Speaker 5: see what was going on, and thankfully she was wonderful
6:00
Speaker 5: because we've had other experiences where they haven't been.
6:02
Speaker 2: So paidia, so she was wonderful.
6:05
Speaker 5: And Lily, just the action of moving towards her has
6:10
Speaker 5: her screaming and her arm is jumping before she's even touched.
6:16
Speaker 5: So this Farma says she was fantastic. She just said,
6:19
Speaker 5: it's okay, don't worry about it. I'm just going to
6:21
Speaker 5: touch your arm, and she just kind of rubbed her
6:23
Speaker 5: arm so that she got used to being touched and
6:26
Speaker 5: had the needle ready to go on the other hand,
6:28
Speaker 5: And so finally, once I had everything in place, I
6:30
Speaker 5: just kind of gave her a gentle nod and we
6:33
Speaker 5: got through it. But the reason I tell both of
6:36
Speaker 5: those stories. Is because I recognize it's not a strong
6:39
Speaker 5: point of mind, because I just see it and go,
6:41
Speaker 5: you know what, the amount of needles I've had to
6:43
Speaker 5: have in my lifetime, it's not the end of the world.
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Speaker 5: Just let's just get it and get it over and
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Speaker 5: done with. We can be in here for five minutes,
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Speaker 5: or we can be in here for fifteen, Like I
6:52
Speaker 5: want to feel pain for three seconds and walk out
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Speaker 5: the door, as opposed to building it up in myself
6:58
Speaker 5: before I even experience it, only to recognize that it
7:01
Speaker 5: actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going
7:03
Speaker 5: to be. And then obviously a book, a book has
7:07
Speaker 5: the potential to have my fifteen year old hysterically like unconsoled.
7:12
Speaker 5: I could not console her. It was just so intense,
7:16
Speaker 5: and so my natural reaction is to tell her to
7:19
Speaker 5: grow up, get on with it, finish the book, and
7:21
Speaker 5: just move on. But I knew that that wasn't going
7:24
Speaker 5: to help her, and so in that moment, I was
7:27
Speaker 5: able to take a couple of deep breaths and recognize
7:30
Speaker 5: that this was really traumatic. And when I recognize and
7:35
Speaker 5: know when I read specifically wore stories, they have the
7:39
Speaker 5: potential to just rip at the heart strings in a
7:42
Speaker 5: way that no other book can be. I really had
7:46
Speaker 5: to channel that and remember the experiences that I've had
7:50
Speaker 5: in those moments and how that it affected me. Look
7:53
Speaker 5: at you, and so I just held her and I
7:57
Speaker 5: just and I over the next probably fine minutes. It
8:01
Speaker 5: took quite some time for her to calm down, but
8:04
Speaker 5: we got through it, and she kind of just she said,
8:07
Speaker 5: I think I need to finish the last twenty pages.
8:10
Speaker 5: I don't want to go to school tomorrow and be
8:13
Speaker 5: like this. But it was enough for her to just
8:17
Speaker 5: feel like somebody understood and she was able to read it.
8:22
Speaker 5: We didn't have any more hysterics, and she got through,
8:24
Speaker 5: and she woke up the next morning feeling a lot
8:26
Speaker 5: calmer and capable of dealing with the day ahead.
8:29
Speaker 1: Kind of ties in with our conversation yesterday about resilience
8:32
Speaker 1: being so relational. She's experiencing a really awkward, unhappy, difficult,
8:39
Speaker 1: challenging time, and experiencing adversity. Really, even though she's reading
8:44
Speaker 1: a book, she's experiencing a level of adversity. And because
8:48
Speaker 1: she's got that level of relationship with you, that's support
8:52
Speaker 1: she can lean on. She's able to adapt and move
8:56
Speaker 1: forward in such a positive way. And obviously you had
9:00
Speaker 1: to do that with our daughter as she was getting
9:01
Speaker 1: the needle as well. You've got to be there for
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Speaker 1: her and not be cranky at her. I think it's
9:05
Speaker 1: also worth highlighting that that night she had such a
9:09
Speaker 1: sore arm, and from what I understand, she also woke
9:13
Speaker 1: you up in the middle of the night and made
9:14
Speaker 1: a whole lot of noise.
9:15
Speaker 5: And I'm not sure how you understand that. I think
9:18
Speaker 5: that you slept through that whole event.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, but well I did because I had to get
9:22
Speaker 1: up at four o'clock in the morning to go for
9:23
Speaker 1: a bike ride followed by a surf But I wanted
9:28
Speaker 1: to ask you. I don't know if I should say this.
9:31
Speaker 1: I'm stumbling because I just realized how bad this is
9:33
Speaker 1: going to sound. I'm going to say it now and
9:34
Speaker 1: we're not going to edit it. We're just going to
9:36
Speaker 1: leave it there and you can say whatever you need
9:37
Speaker 1: to say. But I'm going to say to you, for
9:41
Speaker 1: the benefit of any parents who might be experiencing this,
9:44
Speaker 1: do you have any questions for me at about how
9:48
Speaker 1: parents can stay calm and focused on their child whenever?
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Speaker 3: Really the question I hope for you is how do
9:54
Speaker 3: you manage to stay asleep when the child in the
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Speaker 3: next room is so For.
10:00
Speaker 1: The last twenty five years, have I ever woken up
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Speaker 1: in the middle of the night for anything?
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Speaker 4: Know what's hilarious is you tell me all the time,
10:07
Speaker 4: Oh honey, I'm so sorry, you just need to wake
10:09
Speaker 4: me up. Do you know the amount of times I
10:11
Speaker 4: have literally physically assaulted you in your sleep so that
10:15
Speaker 4: you would get up to the screaming child.
10:18
Speaker 1: No, I don't. It's completely if.
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Speaker 2: Wear oblivious, dear.
10:22
Speaker 5: But you know what, in spite of the fact that
10:24
Speaker 5: as a mum, it's something that I have had to
10:26
Speaker 5: do for the last twenty five years, it is still
10:28
Speaker 5: so hard.
10:30
Speaker 2: It is so hard to wake up in the middle
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Speaker 2: of the night and be my best self, to be compassionate.
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Speaker 1: You know I have done it. I have woken up
10:39
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night and been that. And
10:41
Speaker 1: it really does come down to that idea of stepping
10:44
Speaker 1: in and saying this is not about me right now.
10:47
Speaker 5: And that's the biggest lesson I'm taking out of these experiences,
10:51
Speaker 5: because when I'm in them, I'm just thinking about how
10:55
Speaker 5: I deal with things and how this is really not
10:58
Speaker 5: a big deal and get over it. But it's not
11:01
Speaker 5: about me. And when I can remember that, it is
11:05
Speaker 5: so much easier to be the compassionate person that my
11:09
Speaker 5: children need me to be.
11:11
Speaker 1: And that definition compassion literally to suffer with suffering, with
11:15
Speaker 1: suffering together. Yeah, great take home message.
11:21
Speaker 5: What's your story this week? I'm very interested to see
11:24
Speaker 5: where we're going.
11:24
Speaker 1: To go, So you're very interested to see where we're
11:27
Speaker 1: going to go. And I know why. It's because for
11:29
Speaker 1: the second week in a row, I've barely been home.
11:33
Speaker 1: There's been so much so I've been in a studio
11:36
Speaker 1: in Brisbane for most of the week literally reading every
11:41
Speaker 1: word of every page of every chapter of my brand
11:44
Speaker 1: new book, The Parenting Revolution, which comes out in a
11:46
Speaker 1: month's time, comes out on the first of May, and
11:51
Speaker 1: the audiobook is going to be available as well, and
11:53
Speaker 1: I'm the author, so I had to read the audio book,
11:55
Speaker 1: which meant I'd get up for my early morning bike
11:59
Speaker 1: ride or surf and then jump in the car and
12:01
Speaker 1: drive to Brisbane and get home late and run webinars
12:05
Speaker 1: or whatever. Like I just I haven't really been present
12:07
Speaker 1: and I've been thinking all week. This is a this
12:10
Speaker 1: is two weeks in a row where the parenting expert
12:12
Speaker 1: has very little to say about how he's going to
12:13
Speaker 1: do better tomorrow because he hasn't been around. But the
12:17
Speaker 1: more I thought about it, the more I realized something
12:19
Speaker 1: really awesome. A few weeks ago, a couple of months ago,
12:22
Speaker 1: when we came out of our Christmas holidays, our old
12:24
Speaker 1: do better Tomorrow was a reflection on the Christmas break,
12:28
Speaker 1: the summer break, and I reflected that I did a
12:31
Speaker 1: lousy job as a dad. We didn't go away really
12:35
Speaker 1: except for three brief nights away. We had a staycation
12:39
Speaker 1: that really resulted in us not doing anything. It was uneventful,
12:44
Speaker 1: it was unplanned, and it kind of was so unmemorable
12:50
Speaker 1: that it stank. And so instead of doing an old
12:53
Speaker 1: do better tomorrow today, I'm going to do an old
12:55
Speaker 1: do better these holidays today.
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Speaker 2: So well, you know, you don't actually have a choice.
13:01
Speaker 5: No, I don't, because we are literally disappearing for three
13:04
Speaker 5: weeks without internet so that.
13:08
Speaker 1: You can do better. These do better. So the context
13:12
Speaker 1: of this is, for years and years and years and years,
13:15
Speaker 1: you have been hassling me to do a cruise. I
13:17
Speaker 1: have no interest in doing a cruise. I get seasick.
13:20
Speaker 1: I get horrendously look at you laughing. You think this
13:23
Speaker 1: is funny.
13:24
Speaker 2: I get I have to channel my compassions so.
13:26
Speaker 1: Se sex, So I stop it. It's not funny. And
13:31
Speaker 1: there's what do they call it, where they're they're moving
13:33
Speaker 1: the boat from one part of the world to another part.
13:36
Speaker 1: So it's like a repositioning cruise, which means that you
13:38
Speaker 1: get super cheap rates on a cruise because there's the
13:42
Speaker 1: cruises are known for not being particularly expensive, but this
13:45
Speaker 1: one is especially cheap because it's a repositioning cruise. And
13:49
Speaker 1: you've convinced me to cruise, and we're not getting the
13:52
Speaker 1: Wi Fi package, we're not getting the soft drink package
13:54
Speaker 1: either for what it's worth or the drinks package or
13:56
Speaker 1: whatever it's called. And we're going to go on this
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Speaker 1: cruise ship and if it's terrible, I'm literally going to
14:02
Speaker 1: get off on one of the islands and fly to
14:04
Speaker 1: our final destination or whatever. Like I'm I'm so while
14:08
Speaker 1: we were in youpel so tense, I'm so stressed. I'm
14:10
Speaker 1: so not okay with this holiday. Ah. But in spite
14:15
Speaker 1: of it all, I'm going to do better these holidays
14:17
Speaker 1: because there won't be any Wi Fi and I'm going
14:19
Speaker 1: to be present for the kids and I'm going to
14:21
Speaker 1: be focused and there won't be any What am I
14:23
Speaker 1: going to do? There's nowhere to go. I'm going to
14:25
Speaker 1: be stuck on a stinking boat, a petri dish of disease.
14:29
Speaker 1: Who knows what's going to happen. I'm going to be
14:31
Speaker 1: seasick the whole time.
14:33
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just really grateful.
14:34
Speaker 5: While we were in New Zealand, we met a couple
14:36
Speaker 5: who were supposed to do I think it was a
14:38
Speaker 5: ten or twelve day cruise around New Zealand. Their first
14:42
Speaker 5: port was Dunedin. They got off and they did not
14:46
Speaker 5: get back.
14:47
Speaker 1: On, and I said, thank you for the inspiration. If
14:50
Speaker 1: I'm dying on board this boat, I'm getting off and
14:53
Speaker 1: staying off.
14:54
Speaker 5: And it was so good because they speak, because they
14:57
Speaker 5: said that, it just has given me the ability to
15:02
Speaker 5: recognize that if this doesn't work out, you are welcome
15:05
Speaker 5: to get off report but I will not be following you.
15:08
Speaker 1: That's okay.
15:09
Speaker 5: I will be enjoying every single minute quiet. Well, I'll
15:13
Speaker 5: be having every single meal prepared for me, and the
15:18
Speaker 5: fact that I do not have to clean a single thing,
15:23
Speaker 5: and that the kids are at kids club, kids club?
15:26
Speaker 5: What is there not to love about this?
15:29
Speaker 1: I just I'm going to do better these holidays. I'm
15:32
Speaker 1: not going to let the kids go to kids club
15:33
Speaker 1: totally and watch movies all day and that sort of stuff.
15:36
Speaker 1: We're going to spend some good quality family time together.
15:38
Speaker 1: But I'm also grateful for the get out of jail
15:40
Speaker 1: free clause. Like, if it's not working, I'm just going
15:43
Speaker 1: to get off the boat.
15:44
Speaker 2: You know, everyone's going to think you're such a worse.
15:46
Speaker 1: You do it, and we can laugh about it on
15:48
Speaker 1: the old Do Better Tomorrow podcast when we get back
15:50
Speaker 1: from our trip away. Folks, we really hope that.
15:54
Speaker 5: I'm not sure how you plan on doing better these
15:55
Speaker 5: holidays if you're actually not on the boat.
15:58
Speaker 1: Well, I'm planning on doing better. We're going to go
16:00
Speaker 1: on a holiday and I'm going to be available to
16:02
Speaker 1: the kids. That's the plan.
16:03
Speaker 2: I can't wait.
16:04
Speaker 1: That's the that's the plan. Have a great holiday for
16:07
Speaker 1: those of you who have another week or so of school,
16:10
Speaker 1: enjoy that. We've got some great things lined up for
16:12
Speaker 1: the podcast while we're away. I've got a brand new
16:15
Speaker 1: thinker on parenting that I'm going to introduce to you
16:18
Speaker 1: next week and bech De La Hoy I think is
16:20
Speaker 1: going to just do such a great job keeping your company.
16:23
Speaker 1: And then the following week, I'm bringing in one of
16:25
Speaker 1: my favorite ABC presenters from ABC Western Australia and Perth,
16:29
Speaker 1: Christine Layton. Once we get back from the cruise, I'm
16:32
Speaker 1: going to spend a week chatting with her so that
16:34
Speaker 1: you can continue to enjoy your holiday Kylie, and then
16:38
Speaker 1: went back to it again. The Happy Families podcast continues
16:41
Speaker 1: all thanks to the great work of you. This is
16:43
Speaker 1: Happy Families, justin Ruhland, our producer, Craig Bruce, our executive producer,
16:48
Speaker 1: and you our listeners. Thank you so much for joining us.
16:51
Speaker 1: Have a wonderful school holidays and we'll speak to you again.
16:54
Speaker 2: Sue.
17:00
Speaker 1: Yeah,