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The Power of Setting Boundaries Without Guilt · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence to cognitive distortion, certified life and wellness coach, Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to hang out here with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to be talking about something that I love to talk about, which is boundaries.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: But today I want to focus a little bit on how do we set boundaries without guilt?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have had so many coaching conversations over the last couple of weeks here where boundaries have has come up, that topic of boundaries.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And every single time, one thing that pops up is this common, just common feeling of guilt, as though I'm being mean or it's not nice.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So one thing off the bat that I want to say about boundaries is boundaries are not you, they're not necessarily just for other people.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're not you pushing other people away.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are internal, like we can have our boundaries with our own self, which allows us to the space to remind ourselves of what works for us and what doesn't.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: But also boundaries when we set them with other people, it gives more clear communication of what does work for us and what doesn't, so that we can actually build deeper connections with the people in our lives.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: It is so important and essential that we communicate them because what we're doing is we're protecting our own energy and therefore protecting our own emotional and mental health.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Also, though, what we're doing is we are leaning into clear communication.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And most often in relationships, that's the thing that is the breakdown, is we are not communicating what we need or what works for us and what doesn't.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so then there's these expectations, unspoken expectations that each individual has.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about all types of relationships that we could have.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But those unspoken expectations are what really creates the resentment within those dynamics.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if we would start with the boundaries of being communicative about what works for us and what doesn't, we're actually offering an opportunity for people to get closer to us rather than not setting the boundaries, resentment or anger or frustration building up, and then we end up uh not in connection with those people at all.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So again, boundaries are not walls where we're shutting people out.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are what I equate to fences or gates that we're setting up to say this works for me, this doesn't.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And now that you know that, how do we want to relate to each other?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is we do feel guilty because guilt often comes up with this idea that we've done something wrong and we are letting people down or we're being selfish because we most often are conditioned to believe that a good person is somebody who is kind and giving to other people.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And usually with that comes this idea that we need to say yes, because if we say no, now we've hurt somebody's feelings, and therefore that's being mean and take go down the pathway, right?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, and and if you've listened to other of my podcasts, you know I've said no is a complete sentence, it is a way to set a boundary.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And for so many people, this concept of saying no just feels downright mean.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, can we possibly reframe guilt?
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  SPEAKER_00: What if I were to say boundaries are actually an act of self-respect and not selfishness, or another way to put it, our boundaries are a selfful act, not a selfish act.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when we set those boundaries and we respect your own limits, you're actually showing other people how to respect you, thereby creating room to have that deeper, more fulfilled relationship.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So by treating or by teaching people how you would like to be treated, you're now actually empowering them to have that information and to treat you that way so you guys can actually build a deeper connection with each other.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So thinking about even in my own life, even boundaries even with my own clients, you know, being able to communicate with them.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like for instance, I have a lot of communication with my clients even in between sessions.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing that I'm very clear about is, you know, if you reach out to me and it's after hours, I'm not going to be able to respond until I see it the next day.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have communicated a boundary that simply says, yes, absolutely reach out to me, but I will get back to you within that 24-hour period.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: That allows my clients to know very clearly that yes, they are important to me and yes, I want to respond to them, but I'm going to have to respond to them when I have the ability to actually see their message.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So because I work with clients across the world, time zones could be an issue, for instance.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: That is an example of me setting a boundary saying, okay, what's important to me is my clients are absolutely important to me.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They need to know that they matter and they need to know that what they're sharing with me is important.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And also I cannot be awake 24-7.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: So what will work for me and what won't work for me?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm able to clearly and concisely communicate that with my clients.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not being me being mean.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And my clients absolutely know that they matter.
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  SPEAKER_00: Why?
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  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm clear about that boundary and so they know what the expectation is.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then their feelings aren't hurt.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: If for some reason I don't get back to them within the hour, they know common that doesn't mean comedy doesn't care about me.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: They know that it means that comedy is going to get to me within what she said she was going, what her boundaries were.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're thinking about setting boundaries and how do we do this without guilt, sometimes it's important if we haven't had any boundaries that we start smaller.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, identify maybe one or two things that you've been saying yes to that you know that you'd like to say no to, and carve out some time to figure out how you want to communicate those boundaries.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we communicate them kindly, we communicate them with compassion.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to be harsh and simply walk up to somebody and say, I, you know, I've been saying yes to this thing and I, you know, absolutely can't do it anymore.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: We can set the boundary with kindness.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if somebody asks us to do something and we really don't have time to do it, we can simply say, I'm sorry, I just I don't have time right now to get that done, or I don't have time to participate in that.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I know as a parent this pops up routinely with a lot of volunteer opportunities within my kids' school.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to say yes to most of the things, but I also have to have a balance between my work, my family life, and also what I'm able to do outside of that.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so just being able to say yes when I can and then checking in and just being very kind with the no.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: We don't, I if no feels too harsh, we can say, I really wish I could, but unfortunately I don't have the time right now.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'd love to help you with that, but I just don't have the capacity to add that to my schedule right now.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: But in the future, I might, right?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So we're we don't have to be, it doesn't have to sound so abrupt.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: We can create a way that feels good for us, but we're also still saying no.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the other important thing is that, and and my clients know that I say this to them all the time, is that sometimes we have to just make room for the feelings of discomfort.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe there is the like for me, I know that mom guilt pops up.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's learning to make room for that discomfort and also knowing that I don't have to give my energy into that guilt and to make it mean that I'm a bad mom, but instead just saying, wow, this feels uncomfortable that I wasn't able to say yes to this thing.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because ideally I would love to do all the things, but that I can feel that discomfort and at the same time make room for I need to be able to focus on these other things that I've got on my plate.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And also, it is so important that we have to recognize when setting boundaries that we cannot control other people's reactions.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: People who have been benefiting from our lack of boundaries will absolutely have a negative response to us setting boundaries.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, getting comfortable with discomfort, but also letting go of this idea that you can control someone else's reactions and letting go of the idea that you are responsible for their reaction.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you are coming from a place of kindness and compassion and you are not being rude or obnoxious in how you're setting your boundary and somebody has a negative reaction to it, we have to let them own that.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: They have to be responsible for how they are responding because really that's theirs to work through.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just like if somebody sets a boundary with you and you have a negative response to it and you're not feeling great about it, that's yours to work through.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So just like that, other people have to own how they're responding to your boundaries.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's really their work to figure out, not yours to not have any boundaries.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to understand and just talk about how coaching can help you and support you as you might be going down this path of setting boundaries and really leaning into creating the life that you want, either professionally or personally, feel free to book a time with me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Username It's Authentic Me.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.