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Donald Drumpf Theatre: With the Tariff War Won, Let the Robber Barons Handle Everything · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:10
  It's time again for Donald Drunk Theater No one knows what is
• 0:17
  up or down Jack or
• 0:18
  why Legal or impeachable Everything is make-believe in Donald
• 0:22
  Drunk Theater So
• 0:24
  let's pull the curtain back We are controlling transmission if
• 0:28
  we wish to make it
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: louder
• 0:30
  we will bring up the body we can change the focus to a soft
• 0:33
  blur you're moving into
• 0:34
  a land of both shadow and substance of things and ideas you've
• 0:38
  just crossed over
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: into
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I hear it's fake news, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fake news, okay?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now, would I do that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 1:04
  The president of the United States has the authority to do what
• 1:07
  the president has
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: the authority to do.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: You will.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've declared myself as king.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I learned a lot from Richard Nixon.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: I could cause panic much better than even you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: I could do much.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: I would make you look like a minor league player.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I would get.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the resistance.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: I promise you for the remainder of the next four years,
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: I will only speak to you in this tone of voice.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_03: And the news is moving in a manner that I have not quite seen it.
• 1:41
  move in quite some time the deluge is very much uh that max l
• 1:45
  commercial where
• 1:46
  you're sitting on the chair and it's just blowing past you i i
• 1:50
  don't know by the
• 1:51
  time this gets to your uh sony walkman uh i don't know what
• 1:59
  will be happening this
• 2:00
  everything i am saying to you right now could in fact be moot
• 2:03
  here's what i would
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: imagine that the war with canada is entering its
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: It's third day.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: Our targeted smart bombs at their syrup factories have been effective.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: It has limited,
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: hopefully,
• 2:23
  civilian casualties and spread an air of fear and delicious
• 2:31
  smelling maple.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: All throughout the land,
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: the border is in fact packed,
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: I would think,
• 2:40
  with Americans fleeing towards Canada and Canadians standing
• 2:46
  there pushing us back,
• 2:48
  trying not to let us get in there and fuck up their lower rents
• 2:52
  than ours.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: I've not seen, actually, anything like this.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: The chaos of...
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: launching tariff wars in the morning,
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: calling them off by afternoon and claiming victory,
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: as though somehow in the intervening six to eight hours of bluster,
• 3:15
  the countries that you had challenged had fallen to their knees
• 3:19
  in prayer.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_03: No, dear Lord.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: Not our wheat, not our lumber.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: We'll do whatever you say.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: Hello.
• 3:44
  If you're watching this,
• 3:45
  your company has decided to get rid of its DEI programs.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: Over the last four years,
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: you've been learning tools to fight racism,
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: sexism,
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: and other hateful behavior in the workplace.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: This training video will help you unlearn all that stuff.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_03: Let's get going.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: You come too, sugar tits.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: Getting rid of DEI in your office starts at the top.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: We've already fired your chief of diversity,
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: as well as any other executives we suspect of secretly doing DEI.
• 4:13
  In this new era,
• 4:14
  fostering an inclusive workplace is no longer a priority.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that right, Jamarcus?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: My name's Edward.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: My name's Edward.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: We want to create an environment where everyone is welcome.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: To make everyone else feel unwelcome.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: So...
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Let's try some role play.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: Take a look at this scenario.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: Hey Edward, you did a great job on that presentation.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks, man.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: And freeze.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Do you see what went wrong here?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_03: Let's try it again with all our DEI training forgotten.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: Hey Edward, you did a great job on that presentation.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: Can I touch your hair?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to be in the video anymore.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Perfect.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: If you witness something that seems a little DEI,
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: don't hesitate to reach out to a white manager.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_03: For example,
• 5:09
  if you work in a department with less than four guys named Todd
• 5:13
  making good money,
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_03: please call 911 immediately.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: 911, what's your emergency?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, me again.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for watching this video on how to un-DEI your office.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: With these tools, you...
• 5:30
  With these tools,
• 5:31
  your office productivity will skyrocket and become a perfect meritocracy.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just like my dad intended when he founded this program.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: Bro, I am so glad we were roommates in college.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe we flunked out.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: Epic!
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we're flying over right now.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: We're flying over a thing called the Gulf of America.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm signing a proclamation, and perhaps you could define that.
• 6:00
  This is a proclamation declaring today,
• 6:02
  February 9th,
• 6:03
  2025,
• 6:04
  the first ever Wolf of America Day.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: And we're flying right over it right now.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_03: So we thought this would be appropriate, even bigger than the Super Bowl.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's true, bigger than the Super Bowl.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: In fact, my favorite thing about Gulf of America Day are the commercials.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's very historic.
• 6:28
  I'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when America is
• 6:31
  swallowed up by the
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: rising waters of the Gulf of America.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Attention on board,
• 6:37
  ladies and gentlemen,
• 6:38
  if you could please direct your attention now to the right side
• 6:41
  of the aircraft.
• 6:42
  Air Force One is currently in international waters,
• 6:44
  the first time in history flying over the recently renamed Gulf
• 6:48
  of America.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, my God.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: What does calling a double of America do?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_03: Do we get all its fish now?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_03: Make America great again, right?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's what we care, bro.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: Make America great again!
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah!
• 7:07
  Peace!
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: Order one.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: Roll back everything from the previous not great administration.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: Regulations on the environment.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: Regulations on the Second Amendment.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_03: The Title IX guidance.
• 7:20
  He also over the weekend made himself the chairman of the
• 7:23
  Kennedy Center and cut
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: off Joe Biden's access to daily intelligence briefings.
• 7:28
  So I guess now we will have two presidents who don't read the
• 7:31
  daily intelligence briefings.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: And not just the big shit.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: You want to make America great again, you can't skimp on the details.
• 7:40
  President Trump says he's going to reverse Joe Biden's mandate
• 7:43
  to phase out plastic straws,
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: saying,
• 7:45
  enjoy your next drink without a straw that disgustingly
• 7:48
  dissolves in your mouth.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: So Trump is making America great again by taking us back to 2016.
• 7:56
  But obviously,
• 7:57
  if we're going to make America great again,
• 7:58
  we can't stop in 2016.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_03: We got to keep pushing to that place when America was truly great.
• 8:05
  much further back do we need to go so looks like it's the 70s
• 8:20
  if you're gonna make
• 8:21
  us great you're gonna have to roll further back than the 70s
• 8:24
  what do you got we're
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: going to stop the destructive and divisive
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: Diversity, equity, and inclusion.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the 70s won't fly.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: 70s was all about women's lib and stonewall.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: Now, my friends, we got to go back further to make America great.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: And ladies, when we do go back, don't worry.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: It's all going to work out for you.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: You will no longer be thinking about abortion.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: Like everything else, it's a little bit different today.
• 8:57
  You're not allowed to say that because if you call a woman or a
• 9:00
  girl beautiful,
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: that's the end of your career.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: You can't even say, hey, sugar tits.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: But ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go back to the old days.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: With regular tits.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Not the ones that disgustingly dissolve in your mouth.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: Also...
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: But let's not stop in the 70s there, folks.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: Let's keep going.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: Because that sounds like the 50s, and the 50s are still too inclusive.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, by then, Italians and Irish were considered white.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: No, that's too far.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Keep going back.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: America's greatness awaits.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: We were the richest country in the world.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: We were at our riches from 1870 to 1913.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: That's when we were a tariff country.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: 1870s.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: And,
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: of course,
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: while America presently is still pretty rich,
• 10:18
  who wouldn't trade our current environment for America's 1870s tariff-driven,
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: becandled,
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: tuberculosis-laden,
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: pre-industrial heyday?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: We were so wealthy, we had commissions set up.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: What to do with all the money that we were taking in?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: Quick point of order, though.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: To the extent that we were at our richest from 1870 to 1913,
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: it wasn't so much we as,
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: four guys.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: And we called them robber barons.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: As a sign of affection.
• 10:54
  Meanwhile,
• 10:54
  the rest of America,
• 10:55
  the leading cause of death,
• 10:56
  was falling into a vat at work.
• 11:02
  And it got to the point where even the robber barons realized
• 11:05
  that the only way
• 11:06
  this glorious era in American history was going to end was
• 11:09
  either full scale
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_03: revolution or reasonable compromise,
• 11:14
  which is how we ended up with stuff like income tax and labor
• 11:17
  laws and workplace
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: safety guarantees.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: So let's really tread carefully in the greatness way back machine.
• 11:25
  Arizona House Republican Andy Biggs introduced a bill this week
• 11:28
  that would abolish OSHA,
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: a department of labor agency tasked with overseeing workplace safety.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: To the vats!
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: And fill mine with boiling tallow, boy!
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: Why not just bring back child labor while you're at it?
• 11:49
  When you talk about school lunches,
• 11:51
  hey,
• 11:51
  I worked my way through high school.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: I know about you,
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: but I worked since I was,
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: before I was even 13 years old,
• 11:57
  I was picking berries in the field before I had child labor
• 11:59
  laws that precluded that.
• 12:04
  Now,
• 12:05
  I hate to bring this up,
• 12:05
  but if we are going back to the 1870s and before,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: Does that include every diversity initiative?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: Birthright citizenship was,
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: if you look back when this was passed and made,
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: that was meant for the children of slaves.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: This was not meant for the whole world to come in,
• 12:25
  everybody coming in and totally unqualified people with perhaps
• 12:30
  unqualified children.
• 12:31
  For those of you at home who might fear that the president's
• 12:33
  desire to take us back
• 12:35
  to our nation's historic greatness may tread into
• 12:37
  unconstitutional action,
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: fear not.
• 12:40
  Because the brilliant design of our nation allows for the
• 12:43
  co-equal branch of the
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny,
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: as judged in the landmark decision of 1803 Marbury v.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: Madison.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: Marbury established our foundational separation of powers.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: Vice President J.D.
• 12:58
  Vance,
• 12:59
  he had some interesting words about the separation of power and government.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: He's for it?
• 13:05
  If a judge tried to tell a general how to conduct a military operation,
• 13:08
  that would be illegal.
• 13:10
  If a judge tried to command the attorney general on how to use
• 13:13
  her discretion as a prosecutor,
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: that's also illegal.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Judges aren't allowed to control the executive's legitimate power.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: Of course they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: That's the whole f***ing point of the judiciary,
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: to interpret whether those powers are legitimate.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: You went to law school, mother f***er.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: The alternative is that...
• 13:42
  The only alternative is that the executive determines for
• 13:45
  himself what is constitutional,
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: at which point there would be no guardrails against...
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: Hey,
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: Congress.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, buddy.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: You got a little separation of powers problem.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_03: I was wondering, any chance you might be reasserting your authority?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: Opposition party.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: Democrats, you ready to do some oppositioning?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: There are some things we can do,
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: but the Republicans are in the majority in the Senate and the House.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to need some Republicans,
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: frankly,
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: who are willing to lose,
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: who are willing to be a Liz Cheney and say,
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: I will lose my seat to do the right thing by this country,
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: not the right thing by Donald Trump.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't seen it yet.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: Let's hope.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Democratic Congressman Dan Goldman of New York.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: That's the sales pitch.
• 14:53
  We just need someone on their side willing to lose everything
• 14:57
  for progress,
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: like a Russian dog being shot into space.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: You can see the Democrats' backbone on our new show,
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_03: America Backslide,
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: starring Dan Goldman as hopeful loser.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: But fine.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: We have to rely on Republicans in Congress to be a check on Trump.
• 15:24
  Republican Senator Tom Tillis says that while he believes
• 15:27
  Trump's actions run afoul
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: of the Constitution in the strictest sense,
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: he believes nobody should bellyache about that.
• 15:33
  You're comfortable if he shuts those down without getting
• 15:35
  congressional votes.
• 15:36
  Congress will be involved at some point,
• 15:37
  but I think the country's comfortable.
• 15:40
  They're using that authority right now in a way it hasn't been
• 15:42
  used in a long time,
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: so it looks radical.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: It's not.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think he violated the law?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: Technically, yeah, but I'm not, you know, losing a whole lot of sleep.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: It's been a good run, America.
• 15:52
  It's looked like we're becoming less like the constitutional
• 15:55
  republic it's been for
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: 250 years,
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: and more like the monarchy that we all fought to escape from.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: But I think the important thing to... Is that young John Oliver?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: Are you here to offer America your wisdom and counsel?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, no, no, no, John.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to gloat.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: America had its little fun, didn't you, in experimenting with democracy?
• 16:17
  You fought so hard to get away from us,
• 16:20
  acting up,
• 16:21
  throwing all that tea into the harbour.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: You still owe us for that, by the way.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, how much?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: It was just tea, John.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: It was just tea?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: You take that back.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: You take that back right now.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's a very sensitive beverage.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: The point is, you told everybody that you were going to be different.
• 16:44
  You weren't going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so
• 16:47
  horrible to you
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: when you were growing up.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: So we sat back.
• 16:51
  We let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your
• 16:55
  ridiculous ideas of
• 16:57
  checks and balances because deep down we knew that once you got
• 17:01
  that nonsense out
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: of your system,
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: you'd be back.
• 17:04
  What I'm saying is,
• 17:05
  let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Congratulations, everyone.
• 17:12
  You can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires
• 17:16
  alongside the British,
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: the Roman,
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: the Klingon,
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: Wakanda,
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: whatever one Babadi elephant was the ruler of,
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: I forget.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: Hold on a second, Mr. Oliver.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: If I may, Ambassador Oliver.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: For a moment.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: Please.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: America, yes.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: We are having a bit of trouble with democratic governance.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: But I don't think we want to abandon our republic and go full empire.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but why not, John?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: You really prefer the system that you have right now?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I need 51 votes for a bill to pass.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Is the vice president in town to break a tie?
• 17:48
  Or,
• 17:49
  wait,
• 17:50
  is this one of the bills that needs 60 votes for no clear reason?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm sorry, little Timmy, no health care for you.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: It does not sound great when you put it like that.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you mean when I put it entirely accurately, John?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't sound great?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: What I'm saying is don't fight being a monarchy, John.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: Embrace it.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: Kings get shit done.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: Now, is it stuff that you want done?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Not necessarily, but they do move quick.
• 18:13
  They taste cumin at lunch,
• 18:15
  and they've taken over an entire continent by dinner time.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: That is how the British rolls, John.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: F*** everyone else.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: They're not like us.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: Not to be short-sighted,
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: but spoiler alert,
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: John,
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: things didn't end up so great for the British Empire.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: First of all, how dare you?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: We are technically between empires at the moment,
• 18:39
  but we're keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for
• 18:42
  the day that we get
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: back onto our feet.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Look, no offense, but I'm not sure the imperial model is for us.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, really?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: The imperial model isn't for you, John.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: Have you seen anything America's done over the last 50 years?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: Because for a country that doesn't want to be an empire,
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: you're doing a pretty f***ing good impression of one right now.
• 19:04
  Invasions,
• 19:05
  economic exploitations are now suggesting turning Gaza into a
• 19:09
  beachfront casino.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: Even King George would have been like, I don't know, guys.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: It feels like the situation's a bit more complicated than that,
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: and I'm literally dying of medieval brain disease.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: He was.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: He was doing that.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: He was dying.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: He was dying of a medieval brain disease.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: It drove him crazy, but he could see that it was an unreasonable request.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: Were you really...
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: We really have become our father.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: And you know what, John?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: Don't be sad about it.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: We couldn't be more proud.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: This shouldn't be a sad time.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: The arc of history is so long, it eventually becomes a circle.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: And you end up right where you start.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: So a lot of people are very upset about what we're doing with Doge.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: So we're basically going into these agencies and like,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: there's so much waste and fraud and abuse.
• 20:07
  And those aren't just the ways my kids describe me when they say,
• 20:12
  what's your dad like?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's important that, like, I'm somebody with $400 billion.
• 20:19
  So,
• 20:19
  like,
• 20:20
  we can cut so many of these programs and I'm still going to be fine.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: in fact,
• 20:27
  my taxes might even go down because we'll have fewer bloated
• 20:32
  agencies really doing
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: nothing except wokeness and woke mind virus and feeding the poor,
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_03: which is really just sort of like the most tempting thing
• 20:42
  like example of woke mind virus like it seems like really cool
• 20:46
  like hey this person
• 20:48
  this person can eat and can afford to um you know take
• 20:53
  medicines or get medicines
• 20:54
  and like they're dying and it's like you think like you want to
• 20:58
  be a good person
• 20:59
  and you're like well i mean it can't be woke to help like poor
• 21:04
  people like survive
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: can it
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: And it's actually very woke to do that.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: I know it's cold and tough,
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: but that's why I made $400 billion,
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: because I'm tough and make the tough decisions,
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: and I'm super smart.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: So we're going to cut that out.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: I have the full endorsement of Donald Trump, the president, who's done...
• 21:28
  great things by being um like i mean this like like in like a
• 21:33
  friendly funny way
• 21:34
  but by being like super lazy and like like really one of the
• 21:37
  stupidest people that
• 21:40
  i know it's like yeah thank you for giving me all this power
• 21:43
  bro like dark mega
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: like he's MAGA and I'm like Dark MAGA and like Dark MAGA is like,
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: like better than MAGA,
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: to be honest.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: But,
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: you know,
• 21:56
  we're going to avoid all the traps of wokeness and we're going
• 22:00
  to continue to shut
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: things down.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, if it kills the government,
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: then,
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: we can form libertarian utopias in islands that,
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: me and Peter Thiel and,
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: other cool people will buy.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe Bezos,
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: even though I don't like him,
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: he still is,
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: like,
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: pretty good at what he does.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm better at space, but, you know.
• 22:20
  But basically,
• 22:21
  we're going to,
• 22:22
  like,
• 22:22
  take care of people with our great wealth and intelligence.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: If, like, society collapses, like, maybe that's what it should be.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: So, like, we're going to keep doing doge, okay?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: And we're going to keep doing it, like,
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like hardcore.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: We're in like hardcore Doge mode.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_03: Not just like Doge, but it's like hardcore Doge.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for the songs this week from Golden Earring,
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: The Beatles,
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: The Village People,
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: and The Police.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: And thanks for the clips and excerpts on episode 224 from Jon Stewart,
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Desi Liddick,
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: Jordan Klepper,
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_03: Josh Johnson,
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: Jimmy Kimmel,
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: Jim Jordan,
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_03: Mike Johnson,
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: Lindsey Graham,
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: Mika Brzezinski,
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: and Jail Corbin.
• 24:58
  Faces in that house,
• 25:00
  fears like we've known,
• 25:01
  but we can spend those at the moon and star.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_02: We'll be right back.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_02: We'll be right back.
• 25:57
  We'll be right back.