Latest / Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast / How to Talk to Children about War

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How to Talk to Children about War · Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast

0:02
Hello, everyone. My name is Gabriel, Ellis.
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I'm a psychologist, psychotherapist, and Buddhist
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Scala. And on this podcasts, I usually
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discuss psychological topics problems of self-development.
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And sometimes also topics that are concerned with meditation
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today because of the ongoing war in Ukraine, I wanted to dedicate
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a short recording to the topic of how to talk to Children
0:31
about. You can find a lot of
0:34
information online. I somehow collected it and want
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to add some of my own notes. So if you have children, if you
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have children in your household and you are not very sure about
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how to approach the topic of the war that probably most of the
0:53
children and one way or another became aware of, then, here are
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some background information and tips that might be worth a few
1:01
of our consideration. I prepared some slides, which
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you will see. Now, instead of my face, I hope
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this is more informational. To start off.
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The question of how do we children in general process,
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complex information and the serves as a background to
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basically, then align the information that I have that.
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I somehow separated in a few age groups, the younger, the
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children are the more simple. The process complex information
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and emotional information, When they see a tension around them,
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if the parents are tents, then they usually would think that
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it's something about them that they are children did something
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wrong. Or they might take it up, they
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might take up the task to try to cheer the parents up because for
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them it's difficult to see their parents intention and they might
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want to do something about it. Obviously this is not something
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that we want to get especially our younger children.
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And to good into. And this is why it's important
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not to show how emotionally tense.
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We as adults are the older. The children, get the more we
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can let them in an hour. You know, complex thoughts about
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both the war and the possible impact that it has on us.
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But the younger they are, let's say preschool age.
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The less we should burn them with emotional information.
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The information And should be given in a secure safe way that
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is more factual in a simple way and less showing that we
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ourselves are very concerned panicking sad worrying about our
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safety and so on. So when you express emotions
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give the information age appropriately because otherwise
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like I said, the children will fill in the blanks with their
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interpretation, they will try to read the room.
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And more often than not, they will read the room wrongly,
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which means they will exaggerate what they see and, you know, the
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the tension that they perceive and they will not be able to,
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well, distinguish, then they will perceive correctly.
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That something is off that something is wrong, but they
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have little understanding of the measure if there is actual
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danger for the parents of the actual danger for them, and they
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will create some sort of - there's more or less off from
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reality. And since parents are the most
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important source of interpretation because they are
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the most important source of safety, they will look
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especially at the parents and try to read and understand them
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be also aware that no matter how old the kids are, you are not
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the only source of information if they go to.
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Garden. They will hear something from
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other children, they might hear something from the kindergarten
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nurse. Maybe the kindergarten has a
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policy of giving some information to the children.
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Of course, the older, the children get the more they will
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be informed by schoolmates teachers, their own access to
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phones and media, and so forth. Let's first.
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Take a look at children up to the age of six roughly.
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So preschool. Here.
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It's important to see if the child itself is somehow nervous
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or anxious. Maybe it got some information
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from somewhere or picked up a Vibe and is because of that
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concerned If the child shows no signs of nervousness,
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anxiousness doesn't ask questions about what is wrong or
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something about war or anything like that.
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The general recommendation is not to bomb them.
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Because then they have not heard anything specific and then it's
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not necessary to to burden them with information.
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If however, which might be more or less likely depending on
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where you live, I myself Love and War so and Poland and find
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it difficult to imagine that five or six years old will not
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have heard anything if so if they're if they definitely have
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heard about the war, if they show some signs of nervousness,
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Those then you should go to the child and talk to them.
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Keep in mind, again that information can come from
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kindergartens. Keep in mind that the
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information that you give them, your children will relate to
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other children. So be mindful of that and also
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not to give them polarizing information not to simplify and
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say Russians. But more, you know, the Russian
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government or the Russian leader because we Don't know if maybe
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you know Russian parents or Russian children in the
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kindergarten and of course we don't want to somehow contribute
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to an escalating situation because of an oversimplification
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of information that we get to the children.
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When you talk to the children again at this age group, Keep
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information to a minimum, they will not be able to handle the
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complexity of who attacked when what the exact situation is, how
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many refugees and so forth. This is something that older
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children can be more and more exposed to young children.
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Don't have the capacity to understand that we have to
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really explain things on a Mickey Mouse.
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Level and very simple terms. When we relate this information,
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your main job is to remain, calm.
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So whatever you say you should be able to to relate this
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information in a calm way into project.
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First of all, your own safety, meaning the safety of your
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family unit because this is the, the antenna of the small child
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will be directed towards that. Are we in danger?
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Are you my parents in danger? Do you?
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Protection. Do I need protection?
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It's very Elemental at that stage.
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So keep in mind that this is your main job as a parent that
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wants to emotionally protect your young child, that you
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should protect project safety calmness and let them know.
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We are safe here. The war is going on Beyond The
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Border here. It's a very different situation.
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How lucky we are that we live in this country, hope Fortunate, we
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are that we can, you know, host refugees that our country can
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host refugees and so forth, we can come to other concrete, kind
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of activities later on very important.
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Don't expose your young children to adult news, they will not
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understand the emotional undertones that will not be able
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to process war images. Explosions of destroyed
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buildings of people in dire situations of wounded.
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People of that people and they will not be able to process it.
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And they will have nightmares and so forth.
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So please keep in mind not to have the adult TV on in the
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presence of those young children and to inform yourself through
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these kind of media when the children are not around When it
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comes to explaining the war because this is obviously
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something that children will ask what is war.
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Why is the war happening? And so on here are some examples
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that might help you to orient yourself to tailor your own
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responses to your children. You might bring up a concrete
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examples. Like do you remember this kid
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who was a bully in your class or in your group?
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They did this on that and they made this other kids stuff and
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they took the school money or they Took The Lunchbox away or
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something like that. And then, eventually, everyone
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started to stand up against this bully and their parents weren't
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formed. The teachers were informed and
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then everyone was basically protective against the bullied
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child and stood up against the bully.
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And this is basically what is happening.
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Now, there is this country and its bullying.
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The other Tree. And now we and many other
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countries are standing up against the bully and are trying
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to protect the one country that is bullied.
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Another standard sentence could be that unfortunately Wars
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happen and have happened in the past and also happen today.
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But most of them are far away from here from our country, from
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our region. But that, unfortunately, The
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current war is happening depending on where you are in
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Europe or across the border and so on.
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Again, this should be said in a, with an undertone of how lucky
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we are that we live in a country where no Wars happening.
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Another information that can be shared when children, ask what
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is war. What is happening in war to say
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that Wars can destroy life and buildings?
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And when that happens, parents worried that something might
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Happen to the children. And then try to bring them to
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safety. And that this explains, of
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course, the stream of horrific refugees, that often the men
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stay behind to protect the country to stand up against the
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bully, so to speak. And that mothers bring their
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children to safety to another country, because the parents
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worry about them and want them to be well, another sentence
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Wars Because country leaders are afraid or greedy, right?
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This is about the question. What do they want?
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Why do they start wars? Well, they're afraid, right.
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Leon rightly. Maybe the interpret the
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situation wrongly. So they're afraid that they
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would be believe that they will be attacked, or they are greedy.
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Like, sometimes, you know, people, sometimes children have
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enough, but they're still jealous of what other children
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have, and they want more, and more and more.
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And this can be another reason why country A leaders attack
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other countries. Of course, it's important to
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emphasize that aggression and violence on never real solution.
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Why? Because it makes the other
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people violent as well. When I'm violent violent against
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you, you will have a violent reflux, so violent reaction
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yourself. And so this is the cycle that
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never stops eventually. We have to stop the violence
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because the last since on this chart to stop the violence and
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understand each other to come together as the most important
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ways to end a war. The third example here on this
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chart is other people in countries and countries have to
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stand up against violence. This is what we're doing now.
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I mentioned something like this before.
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Okay, so this is for an age group of about 10, and up,
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sorry, up to 10 years old and very simple, terms concrete
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examples, minimal information, respond to the questions that
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the children have and Don't lecture them beyond that with
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information that you think is necessary in order to complete
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the image. When the children have more
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questions they will ask you they're usually curious.
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Okay, let's talk about an older age.
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Group roughly six to a pre-puberty preteen age about 6
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to 12 years old here. Don't wait until the children.
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Ask you questions. Like you know, as I said about
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the, for example, three or four year olds four year olds that
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they might not even be aware of the situation.
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Here is important that you address it because we can be
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rest assured that they somehow have heard about the war.
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And also I'm not able to process these information, the
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implications of war for their lives properly.
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Even if they talk maybe to their friends and so on.
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So You actively go to the children, ask them how they
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feel, ask them what they have heard, let the questions come
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again. Don't lecture them.
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Be guided through their questions again very similarly,
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as the young children also in this age group, you need to
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emphasize your own safety as the parents and the Safety of the
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family unit to emphasize the compassion for the victims and
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that the war is happening in another country.
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Those children in this age group, they will have some
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geographical rough understanding.
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So here, it's useful to bring up a map.
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It can be digital, it can be a globe that can be old map atlas
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book that you might have at home and show them where the war is
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happening at which area and and show them the neighbouring
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countries where the refugees go. Also, at this age group, don't
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expose the children to adult news and war images and used the
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child age appropriate news. The teen news that are available
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online on YouTube and major news outlets.
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They will have information tailored for children with, you
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know, Graphics simple information.
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Watch it too. Together with them and then
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afterwards discuss it the discussion will help them to
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process to understand to internalize and will give rise
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to some questions that you can. Then, answer it is important
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when you do, bring up those topics about Warren.
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So on children work in a slightly different way than
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older teenagers and adults. We are able to process things
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more abstractly. Even though, of course, we also
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like to take action this is very much true for pre-puberty p,
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teens even more. So they will feel the tension.
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They will understand that something difficult.
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It's something urgent is going on, and they will not be, it's
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not good for them to hold this tension in.
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So, it's good to find an outlet for that to find an action.
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Find it, something age appropriate It's always possible
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to light a candle of Peace. It can be in the family, it can
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be also digitally, you can send a message with a gift for with
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an image to whoever the child wants to send these images.
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To maybe grandparents, may be extended family.
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May be friends and thus, to have us some sort of symbolic gesture
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to contribute to peace, you can go to Peaceful gatherings So
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that the child understands that it is not alone, it's not the
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family alone that there is a shared sentiment.
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And there is some sort of an even though, obviously there's
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something concerning concerning going on that.
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There's an uplifting energy around them.
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Kids, love to paint so it's good to express.
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What is going on with them in a painting and be sure to include
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some uplift. Uplifting optimistic images or
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elements and those paintings. So maybe the 12d depict the
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tension, but then remind them or ask them how they want to depict
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a solution. You know, some sort of peace
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sign maybe Dove maybe nature, may be Sunshine, maybe the
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family maybe you know, safe home, something like that so
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that again. Children are able to process,
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both of these aspects, the problematic one and the soothing
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one in a symbolic way, it will help them to process.
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These burdensome complex information, it's essential for
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kids at all age, to keep the daily rituals, don't have your
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daily interactions. The daily conversations centered
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around the war. Keep the meal times as much as
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possible. Keep up conversation about
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topics that you usually talk about school family.
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The weather be planning a trip to the zoo or whatever it is.
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So that also on that level, the colonists and the comfort is
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signal to the child and not just verbally.
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But basically showing that the daily structure as It was before
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that, that symbolized and and expressed the Comfort will go
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on. Normally this is a very
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important element. Okay, a last word about Teen
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ages 13 and up for them. The, the picture on the approach
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changes, they don't need the comfort so much from the
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parents, even though it's good to not to burden them too much,
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they for them, it is important to find independence from their
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parents. So to have diverse to have
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complex conversations and arguments with them is much
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more, an important point they want to be included.
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In mature discussions. They will have Own opinions.
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In fact, I might be very opinionated.
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They might have formed these opinions at school and with
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their peers and your job is to let them talk and to challenge
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them so that they can find their own position.
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And basically can come through the conversations with Hugh to
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higher and better more differentiated understanding of
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the situation. It's not worth to try to lecture
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them and too. Tell them what you think, the
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truth is, they will make up their own mind anyway.
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So be the sparring partner that says, we prepared that at this
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age, the children between ages will be more ready to express
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anger and aggression more than the younger children who might
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tend to react with fear. So teenagers might come with
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you. No Simple Solutions is like
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that's on the Russians or something like this be prepared,
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that something like that would come And challenge them,
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challenge them by asking, what good would that do?
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What might be the repercussions and then you know, you could
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include information about the Arsenal's about you know
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International treaties the NATO and so on to let them kind of
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understand that there's a complexity Behind these
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questions. And as mentioned before that
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violence is usually not a solution that is sustainable.
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But that harbors As for the violence.
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What is very important at that age, children and teenagers will
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probably get their information. Also online can be through the
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smartphone social media, different, media outlets, and so
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on and to discuss with them and to explain to them.
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That information is not doesn't have all the same degree of
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trustworthiness that there is that there are incentives.
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For people and institutions to have biased informations because
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basically media organizations individuals, they want clicks
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and Views. This is what benefits them.
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And this is always the bias that they might have that the Trap
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that they might fall into that individuals.
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And media institutions, might be willing to disseminate
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information that tends more. Get clicks.
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Then to be a trustworthy reliable information.
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Thank you for your attention. This has been it for my short
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introduction. I hope that you that it will
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support you to manage the family situations and the situations
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with the children. And let me know in the comments
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below. If there are other questions or
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aspects that I have not covered in this short presentation and
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good luck.