Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 399. Are you losing yourself in a relationship? How to turn it around.

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399. Are you losing yourself in a relationship? How to turn it around. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:16
Speaker 1: So this episode is all about are you losing yourself
0:20
Speaker 1: in a relationship? So this obviously applies to the individuals
0:24
Speaker 1: that are listening, but it also applies if you think
0:26
Speaker 1: this might be your friend or someone that used to
0:29
Speaker 1: be your friend and then absolutely fucking ghosted you when
0:31
Speaker 1: they got a partner, a sibling, anyone that you really
0:34
Speaker 1: care about that you think might benefit from listening to this,
0:37
Speaker 1: even if they're like that is so insulting. I can't
0:39
Speaker 1: believe you sent me this episode, but I think it's
0:41
Speaker 1: worth it anyway. And the reason that I decided to
0:43
Speaker 1: do this episode is because I've had so far a
0:46
Speaker 1: bunch of you guys email me about this particular topic
0:50
Speaker 1: because you're struggling with friends or you're going through it yourself.
0:54
Speaker 1: And then I had a really close friend of mine
0:55
Speaker 1: also be like, oh my god, I'm dealing with someone
0:58
Speaker 1: in a different friendship group who definitely has lost themselves
1:01
Speaker 1: in a relationship, and this is a topic that needs
1:02
Speaker 1: to be done. So we're going to be covering that topic.
1:05
Speaker 1: Separate to that, we are covering a brain fact where
1:10
Speaker 1: it's just more of like a pharmacology fact really and
1:13
Speaker 1: it is about lactic acid. Now, little life update. I
1:17
Speaker 1: was going to do a talk for International Women's Day
1:22
Speaker 1: by the time you're listening to this, because I'm actually
1:24
Speaker 1: organized for the first time in my life. But by
1:27
Speaker 1: the time you're listening to this, this would have been
1:29
Speaker 1: long gone. But I was going to do a talk
1:31
Speaker 1: on the eighth for International Women's Day, but the cyclones
1:35
Speaker 1: in Queensland, so we postponed that for two weeks later. Also,
1:40
Speaker 1: as I am recording this, in one week, I am
1:42
Speaker 1: going down to Melbourne with Red Bull for the Formula One.
1:47
Speaker 1: I really hope that I get to meet, even from
1:50
Speaker 1: a distance, the Red Bull drivers. You guys know how
1:53
Speaker 1: obsessed I'm with Formula One, Like I just it is
1:57
Speaker 1: just obsessed. And I'm going to be there. This is
2:01
Speaker 1: the first time that like it's the first race of
2:04
Speaker 1: the season. So we've got Lewis Hamilton in a Ferrari
2:07
Speaker 1: for the first time ever. We have Carlos sign if
2:10
Speaker 1: I even make If I see Carlo signs, I'll die.
2:13
Speaker 1: I'm so obsessed with him. But we'll see Carlo signs
2:15
Speaker 1: in a Williams. I really hope that he turns that
2:17
Speaker 1: team around because I think he deserves to be in
2:19
Speaker 1: a better car. But anyway, Carlo signs and A Williams,
2:21
Speaker 1: We've got. I'm just so excited. And for those of
2:24
Speaker 1: you that don't care for Formula one, I really apologize,
2:26
Speaker 1: but I can't contain myself. So please follow my socials
2:31
Speaker 1: and stay tuned because I will just be raging on
2:35
Speaker 1: the that weekend. Anyway, let's get straight into the brain
2:39
Speaker 1: slash science fact off today, and we're talking about lactic acid.
2:43
Speaker 1: You probably hear about lactic acid a lot because it's
2:45
Speaker 1: what gets produced when we exercise, but lactic acid is
2:48
Speaker 1: actually always being produced all the time, so we're going
2:50
Speaker 1: to talk about it. So it is basically integral to
2:55
Speaker 1: body function, and it is not simply a byproduct of exercise.
2:59
Speaker 1: It is used by the whole body. It plays a
3:02
Speaker 1: really important role in helping keep all cells and tissues
3:06
Speaker 1: working with no dramas. Okay, So it's a chemical. It's
3:10
Speaker 1: produced by your body when cells break down carbs for energy.
3:14
Speaker 1: To put it simply, it's also referred to as lactate,
3:17
Speaker 1: so lactic acid lactate, so muscles and red blood cells
3:22
Speaker 1: will produce the most. But any tissue in the body
3:24
Speaker 1: will also produce it. Okay, Now, at any time your
3:29
Speaker 1: body uses well, anytime that your body uses more oxygen
3:32
Speaker 1: than usual, it's going to cause your cells to be
3:36
Speaker 1: producing it. So this is not only when you're doing
3:38
Speaker 1: like a hard workout, when you're really like, you know,
3:41
Speaker 1: absolutely dying out of breath doing a hit session. It
3:44
Speaker 1: could be something like walking up a flight of stairs
3:46
Speaker 1: where you're out of breath, where you're moving something heavy,
3:49
Speaker 1: anything that's going to require more energy, more oxygen, where
3:52
Speaker 1: you're starting to feel a bit puffed out, you're going
3:54
Speaker 1: to get more of a production of this lactic acid.
3:57
Speaker 1: So additionally to that, it's a major lactic acid is
4:01
Speaker 1: a major energy source for the mitochondria. So mitochondria are
4:05
Speaker 1: something they're basically an organelle and it's found in every cell.
4:10
Speaker 1: So an organelle is like a little kind of thing
4:13
Speaker 1: inside each cell and it's bound by a membrane. Go
4:17
Speaker 1: look it up. They look like these weird little kind
4:19
Speaker 1: of slugs or worms. They're really cute anyway. So their
4:23
Speaker 1: membrane bound and they generate most of the chemical energy
4:27
Speaker 1: needed to power the cells biochemical reactions. So you've got
4:30
Speaker 1: mitochondria all in every cell in your body. Okay. Now,
4:34
Speaker 1: the energy made by these organells is stored in a
4:37
Speaker 1: molecule called adenosine triphosphate, which you've probably heard of, and
4:41
Speaker 1: that is atp okay and that is what is used
4:44
Speaker 1: to power the cell. And lactic acid is a major
4:49
Speaker 1: energy source for the mitochondria, so then it can produce
4:53
Speaker 1: this atp okay. If you're not confused already, this might
4:56
Speaker 1: have confused you. Now. It also is a signaling molecule
5:00
Speaker 1: your immune system. So basically it's like a flag. It
5:03
Speaker 1: flags down wounds or infections that need healing, and it's
5:07
Speaker 1: a precursor for making glucose. So your liver and your
5:10
Speaker 1: kidneys filter lactic acid out of the bloodstream, then break
5:13
Speaker 1: it down convert it into new glucose to be used
5:16
Speaker 1: into the future. So, like almost all chemicals within the body,
5:19
Speaker 1: they are promiscuous in the sense that they have more
5:22
Speaker 1: than one function. Okay. I used to love it when
5:26
Speaker 1: they would refer to things as being promiscuous in the
5:29
Speaker 1: brain and stuff. I'm like, Oh, there's fucking slutty chemicals
5:32
Speaker 1: in the body anyway. So when your body is needing
5:36
Speaker 1: more oxygen that it's spending and your body is working
5:38
Speaker 1: harder to get oxygen to your muscles and your tissues.
5:43
Speaker 1: Then your cells break down the glucose to give that
5:45
Speaker 1: extra energy to keep you moving. Okay, this is the
5:47
Speaker 1: difference between aerobic and anaerobic. But keep in mind that
5:51
Speaker 1: even in aerobic, which is where you're using oxygen as
5:54
Speaker 1: your primary fuel source, lactic acid is being produced. Okay,
5:59
Speaker 1: but even more also anaerobically. Okay, they got aerobic using oxygen.
6:05
Speaker 1: Anaerobic where you need more power than what oxygen can
6:08
Speaker 1: provide your body, So you're going through the oxygen and
6:11
Speaker 1: then need more. That's anaerobic. Okay. Now, interestingly, and I
6:15
Speaker 1: actually didn't know this until I looked this up and
6:17
Speaker 1: I found this really interesting. Turns out, lactic acid, and
6:22
Speaker 1: I mean people who study this fucking know this. I
6:25
Speaker 1: personally didn't. Lactic acid is not responsible for muscle soreness
6:29
Speaker 1: or the burning sensation from a hard workout like I
6:33
Speaker 1: feel like we always said, oh, the lactic acid build up. No,
6:36
Speaker 1: it's just a fuel source for muscles during exercise. So
6:40
Speaker 1: that burning fatigue that you feel after a hit session,
6:44
Speaker 1: for example, is actually the result of an accumulation of
6:46
Speaker 1: intracellular metabolites such as inorganic phosphate and hydrogen ions that
6:53
Speaker 1: then go on to impair contractile function of the muscle,
6:57
Speaker 1: so they fucking go there's your party trick. Fun fact. Now,
7:00
Speaker 1: the role of these intracellular metabolites is to break down
7:04
Speaker 1: chemicals within your system, so we're getting that burning feeling
7:08
Speaker 1: because they're pretty much fucking their lol. Now, there's also
7:15
Speaker 1: regulatory effects of lactic acid on neuropsychiatric disorders, things like
7:20
Speaker 1: major depressive disorder and also things like anxiety disorders, which
7:23
Speaker 1: is really interesting. So lactic acid impacts neurotransmission, neurovascular coupling,
7:28
Speaker 1: and neuro energy metabolism by binding to something called a
7:31
Speaker 1: g PR eighty one, and this participates in the regulation
7:36
Speaker 1: of mood disorders. Interestingly, studies also found that lactic acid
7:41
Speaker 1: produced during exercise, so where you get more of a
7:44
Speaker 1: production of lactic acid more so than just like a
7:46
Speaker 1: small bout where you need more energy than what the
7:49
Speaker 1: oxygen is providing. So lactic acid produced during exercise is
7:53
Speaker 1: involved in the regulation of brain function and induces an
7:56
Speaker 1: antidepressant effect in people with major depressive disorder. So even
8:00
Speaker 1: one single exhaustion task where you like, really like go
8:04
Speaker 1: hard can lower depressive symptoms in major depressive disorder, and
8:09
Speaker 1: this might be due to the increased serum concentration of
8:11
Speaker 1: lactic acid. So there's your fun fact for the day.
8:16
Speaker 1: If you do want to read more about that Major
8:20
Speaker 1: depressive disorder article, then I can give you the pub
8:24
Speaker 1: medlink in the show notes. So if you want to
8:26
Speaker 1: do some further fun reading, you can go ahead and
8:28
Speaker 1: do that. Now let's get straight into the body of
8:30
Speaker 1: the episode today, and we are talking about are you
8:33
Speaker 1: losing yourself in a relationship? This is so important to know.
8:38
Speaker 1: Please be self aware. Please don't think because there are
8:42
Speaker 1: so many people that are like, oh my god, oh
8:44
Speaker 1: my god, I know someone like that, but you, yourself
8:47
Speaker 1: might be that person. Please really pay attention. Listen to
8:50
Speaker 1: this episode with the most unbiased lens possible, because it's
8:53
Speaker 1: going to make you a whole lot happier, a whole
8:57
Speaker 1: lot more on purpose. You're going to feel more fulfilled,
9:00
Speaker 1: and you can still for the most part, stay in
9:03
Speaker 1: your relationship. Because one thing, and I will cover it
9:05
Speaker 1: more in depth, but one thing that is important to
9:08
Speaker 1: note that if you're someone that has lost yourself in
9:11
Speaker 1: a relationship, It does not necessarily mean that the relationship
9:15
Speaker 1: is or that the individual that you're dating is toxic
9:19
Speaker 1: or unhealthy or they're not good for you. Okay, Sometimes
9:22
Speaker 1: we create these behaviors and we create these patterns and
9:24
Speaker 1: we fall into them, and then we end up basing
9:28
Speaker 1: our entire identity on the relationship on our partner. But
9:30
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that they're just a bad person. They
9:32
Speaker 1: might just get used to this pattern and it can
9:35
Speaker 1: be undone and you can stay in this relationship and
9:38
Speaker 1: you can forge a really healthy relationship moving forward. However,
9:41
Speaker 1: having said that, there are going to be certain roadblocks
9:44
Speaker 1: that you might come up against where you start to
9:46
Speaker 1: want to change and you start to try things and
9:48
Speaker 1: start to integrate things into your life again, and there's
9:50
Speaker 1: going to be major pushback from your partner that would, however,
9:53
Speaker 1: indicate that they are probably controlling or toxic, or a
9:57
Speaker 1: combination of all of the above. Now, when we talk
10:01
Speaker 1: about losing yourself, not just to a relationship, it can
10:04
Speaker 1: mean different things depending on context. But a few interpretations
10:08
Speaker 1: are where you are emotionally overwhelmed, and this is feel
10:11
Speaker 1: where you feel like you've lost yourself, when your emotion
10:15
Speaker 1: when you're in a state of grief or stress or love.
10:19
Speaker 1: Then it consumes you to the point where you don't
10:21
Speaker 1: really recognize your own thoughts or your behaviors, your desire.
10:24
Speaker 1: So basically we've been overridden by intense emotions and then
10:28
Speaker 1: it's hard to kind of recognize your normal self in
10:30
Speaker 1: that state. Losing personal identity, So this happens when you
10:35
Speaker 1: drift away from your core values, your passions, your personality.
10:39
Speaker 1: And this is often due to external influencers like relationships, jobs,
10:44
Speaker 1: or expectations of society or the group around you. So
10:48
Speaker 1: this peer pressure is a great example of that. And
10:51
Speaker 1: then lastly, disconnection from reality. So some people describe losing
10:55
Speaker 1: themselves when they feel like disconnected from their surroundings, which
10:59
Speaker 1: could be linked to mental health struggles or other things
11:01
Speaker 1: as well. Okay, but when you talk about losing yourself,
11:06
Speaker 1: you've got to think, what is it about myself that
11:09
Speaker 1: I've lost? Okay, because you know, there's a whole another
11:13
Speaker 1: episode that I need to do on finding yourself in general,
11:15
Speaker 1: and not just within a relationship, but losing yourself versus
11:19
Speaker 1: finding yourself. What are the things that make up who
11:22
Speaker 1: you are and make you different from other people? And
11:25
Speaker 1: that is who you are. So when we talk about
11:27
Speaker 1: losing ourselves, there's these certain traits that you have abandoned
11:32
Speaker 1: or gotten rid of that's caused you to drift further
11:34
Speaker 1: and further away from the essence of what makes you
11:37
Speaker 1: uniquely you. Okay, that is what we talk about when
11:40
Speaker 1: we talk about losing ourselves. So this is your experiences
11:43
Speaker 1: that influence your decisions and your life that you carry
11:46
Speaker 1: with you. So an example of this will be if
11:48
Speaker 1: you're in an unhealthy relationship and your partner never wants
11:52
Speaker 1: you to talk about your past, not even just your exes,
11:54
Speaker 1: but your past in general. That's an aspect of losing
11:56
Speaker 1: yourself because you're unable to bring in aspects of your
11:59
Speaker 1: past and help them, you know, shape your future and
12:03
Speaker 1: shape your thoughts and shape your decisions and stuff like that. Okay,
12:06
Speaker 1: So your experiences, your opinions, perspectives, your values and morals,
12:10
Speaker 1: that's huge. Your traits, your character traits, your likes, your dislikes,
12:16
Speaker 1: your humor, these quirks that you pick up along the
12:19
Speaker 1: way in your journey of life that demonstrate that you
12:22
Speaker 1: have lived experiences and that makes you you. So everyone's
12:26
Speaker 1: going to have a little unique quirk or a facial
12:28
Speaker 1: expression or body language or something, or the way they
12:31
Speaker 1: react to things, or their laughter, all these things, all
12:34
Speaker 1: put together with their morals that likes it, dislikes, their opinions,
12:37
Speaker 1: their beliefs. That is what makes you who you are.
12:40
Speaker 1: Okay to turn away from that, to not be able
12:45
Speaker 1: to back yourself, to need someone to agree with you
12:48
Speaker 1: in order to make a decision, or in order for
12:51
Speaker 1: you to feel comfortable saying something, needing approval, not voicing
12:55
Speaker 1: your thoughts and opinions on things. These are all ways
12:57
Speaker 1: of losing yourself because you basically need someone else to
13:01
Speaker 1: feel whole, or you need something else to feel whole.
13:05
Speaker 1: You've lost yourself along the way, and you no longer
13:08
Speaker 1: feel whole enough as an individual that you need someone
13:11
Speaker 1: to complete you, so to speak. Now, I'm not talking
13:14
Speaker 1: about when people have that throwaway line of like, oh
13:16
Speaker 1: my god, this person completes me. That's cute, that's lovely,
13:19
Speaker 1: But in all seriousness, when you genuinely believe I'm a bit,
13:23
Speaker 1: I'm kind of stuck. Unless this person validates me, or
13:26
Speaker 1: unless this person can agree with me, I'm kind of
13:28
Speaker 1: I can't make that decision unless I have at least
13:30
Speaker 1: x amount of people say yeah, yeah, do it, do it,
13:32
Speaker 1: do it? And then I do it. You know, I
13:33
Speaker 1: just can't back myself anymore. I can't back my opinions
13:36
Speaker 1: and my beliefs. If I want to disagree with the group,
13:39
Speaker 1: I feel like it's just like a social death. So
13:42
Speaker 1: I just have to agree. That kind of stuff. That
13:44
Speaker 1: is ultimately losing yourself to all these other external influences.
13:48
Speaker 1: And then you ask yourself, well, I don't really feel
13:50
Speaker 1: like myself anymore. The essence of me is gone. It
13:52
Speaker 1: feels like it's difficult to find a purpose. It's because
13:54
Speaker 1: of that. Okay, what does it look like in a relationship.
13:59
Speaker 1: There's a whole bunch of things, but basically losing yourself
14:02
Speaker 1: in a relationship means that you are prioritizing your partner's needs, desires,
14:07
Speaker 1: identity over your own to the point where you're not
14:10
Speaker 1: really recognizing your old self in you anymore. Okay, it
14:14
Speaker 1: can happen to anyone. This can even happen to people
14:18
Speaker 1: that loved being single, really loved the single life, like
14:22
Speaker 1: slayed single, thrived single, and then find themselves doing a
14:25
Speaker 1: complete one eighty when they enter a relationship. It can
14:28
Speaker 1: happen to serial monogamous. It can happen to all kinds
14:30
Speaker 1: of people. So don't think that, oh, no, it only
14:33
Speaker 1: happens to people who like are anti social, and I
14:35
Speaker 1: always don't no, no, it can actually happen to anyone. Okay,
14:39
Speaker 1: your goals, you stop tending to your goals, you stop
14:43
Speaker 1: working on them, you stop working on your hobbies. All
14:45
Speaker 1: of a sudden, your career doesn't seem to excite you anymore.
14:48
Speaker 1: Your drive for what you know, the things that made
14:52
Speaker 1: you driven in the past just kind of drops away,
14:56
Speaker 1: and other interests as well, not just career, but you know,
14:59
Speaker 1: if you're someone that's like really passionate about this thing
15:01
Speaker 1: than the end of the relationship and it just doesn't
15:03
Speaker 1: really matter that much anymore, and that's fine, you know.
15:08
Speaker 1: I also want you to realize that sometimes people are
15:11
Speaker 1: like on this grind because it's like their main thing
15:13
Speaker 1: in their life, and then they zoom out and they
15:15
Speaker 1: get a healthy relationship and healthy friendships and they think, wow,
15:18
Speaker 1: I don't have to put my all into my career.
15:20
Speaker 1: So that one thing alone is not a red flag necessarily,
15:24
Speaker 1: but combined with a lot of things. If you're someone
15:26
Speaker 1: that genuinely just loved your career. You wanted, like we
15:29
Speaker 1: had all these goals in your career, and then you
15:30
Speaker 1: get into your relationship and it all drops off to
15:32
Speaker 1: the wayside. That's more what I'm talking about. Okay, your
15:35
Speaker 1: identity becomes us instead of me. Everything you say, it's
15:39
Speaker 1: like we us where you know, there's people that have
15:42
Speaker 1: like a joint fucking Instagram account and get rid of
15:43
Speaker 1: their individual account all that shit. You know, you stop
15:46
Speaker 1: doing things that you loved because your partner doesn't share
15:49
Speaker 1: those interests. It's a we approach. Okay, your opinions, your preferences,
15:54
Speaker 1: your personality, it starts to mirror them. We have to
15:56
Speaker 1: agree on this. We don't like doing that. We we
15:59
Speaker 1: we we wee. Okay, you neglect your own needs, so
16:02
Speaker 1: you compromise even if it makes you unhappy, but if
16:05
Speaker 1: it makes the relationship quote unquote happy, even though you're
16:09
Speaker 1: not happy, if it makes your partner happy. You suppress
16:12
Speaker 1: emotions to avoid conflict within the relationship, even if your
16:15
Speaker 1: partner is not necessarily toxic, unhealthy, emotionally abusive. Your dreams
16:22
Speaker 1: kind of take a back seat to the plans of
16:25
Speaker 1: your partner or the plans of the relationship. Your social
16:27
Speaker 1: life shrinks. This is a huge red flag. This is
16:30
Speaker 1: a massive indicator when your social life shrinks. Everyone around
16:34
Speaker 1: is seeing what's happening, but you're probably blinded to it.
16:36
Speaker 1: So you spend and mind you can. I just say,
16:39
Speaker 1: I've been here. So I've been in that. I've been
16:43
Speaker 1: on the receiving end where my friends have lost themselves
16:45
Speaker 1: to a relationship, and I've been on the doing end
16:49
Speaker 1: where I myself have lost myself to a relationship. Yes
16:52
Speaker 1: it was an unhealthy relationship, but still my social circle
16:55
Speaker 1: absolutely shrunk, and that was the worst part of it.
16:58
Speaker 1: But you spend so much time with them, and you
17:00
Speaker 1: lose touch with friends, you lose touch with family, and
17:03
Speaker 1: you lose touch with like the current affairs of the group,
17:06
Speaker 1: like what's actually happening, you know, the details of people's life.
17:09
Speaker 1: You're kind of just there to like catch up every
17:11
Speaker 1: once in a while, but you're not really involved in
17:13
Speaker 1: that group anymore how you used to be. You feel
17:17
Speaker 1: guilty for wanting time alone with others. So if at
17:19
Speaker 1: any point you're like, oh, actually feel really you know,
17:22
Speaker 1: like I feel really bad, I want to start, you know,
17:24
Speaker 1: hanging out with my friends a bit more, but then
17:25
Speaker 1: you feel like, now I'm taking time away from my relationship.
17:28
Speaker 1: You kind of feel a bit emotionally torn and it
17:30
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good. But in general, your friendships are taking
17:34
Speaker 1: like a bit of a back seat. You haven't seen
17:36
Speaker 1: them in ages. The hangouts change as well, and you
17:39
Speaker 1: only see them when you wouldn't be seeing your partner anyway. Like,
17:43
Speaker 1: for example, one of my friends who she's no longer
17:47
Speaker 1: in this relationship, but she was in a relationship that
17:50
Speaker 1: we used to hang out all the time, all the time,
17:53
Speaker 1: and then she got into a relationship where she would
17:57
Speaker 1: literally message being like, oh, so and so her partner's name,
18:00
Speaker 1: he's away from the weekend. Let's do something, and then
18:02
Speaker 1: we do something, and then we wouldn't hang out for weeks,
18:04
Speaker 1: and then again when her partner would be away, she's like,
18:06
Speaker 1: let's do something. And I picked up this pattern that
18:09
Speaker 1: the only time she would instigate to catch up is
18:11
Speaker 1: when she physically could not be spending time with her partner.
18:15
Speaker 1: And then obviously she doesn't like being alone because she's
18:17
Speaker 1: completely lost herself to the relationship, so she's like, got
18:20
Speaker 1: to fill this up with my friends who actually still
18:22
Speaker 1: haven't completely fucking cut me off because I've abandoned them. Basically,
18:27
Speaker 1: your confidence depends on their validation, so you feel like
18:30
Speaker 1: you need their approval for decisions, big decisions, small decisions.
18:33
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. Criticism from your partner feels like a
18:38
Speaker 1: personal failure. You tolerate disrespect or unhealthy behaviors. Now to
18:44
Speaker 1: get clear on this, like I said, there's two versions
18:48
Speaker 1: of losing yourself. There's losing yourself to an unhealthy relationship.
18:51
Speaker 1: There's losing yourself to a healthy relationship. This applies more
18:54
Speaker 1: so to the unhealthy relationship, but it can apply to
18:58
Speaker 1: the healthy relationship. And what I'm mean by that is
19:01
Speaker 1: sometimes if you are providing, like you teach people how
19:03
Speaker 1: to treat you, and in a relationship, if you make
19:06
Speaker 1: yourself available all the fucking time, all the time, and
19:09
Speaker 1: your partner gets used to that, even if they're not
19:11
Speaker 1: normally you know, emotionally manipulative or toxic. If you would
19:15
Speaker 1: have then you know, wanting to go and do something,
19:19
Speaker 1: they might be like, well, I'm surprised that you want
19:20
Speaker 1: to do that. I'm so you know, you just kind
19:22
Speaker 1: of like shock them because they're like, well, I'm used
19:24
Speaker 1: to you being Basically a social fucking recluse, and you're
19:26
Speaker 1: living for me. So it's almost like a bit of
19:28
Speaker 1: a shock that even if they don't intend to be malicious,
19:32
Speaker 1: they might expect they might start having these expectations. If
19:35
Speaker 1: you to just put them in the relationship as number
19:38
Speaker 1: one above everything else in your life, you justify their
19:41
Speaker 1: bad behavior even if it hurts you. You fear upsetting them,
19:45
Speaker 1: so you don't ever truly express your feelings. And lastly,
19:50
Speaker 1: you feel empty or unsure of who you are. This
19:53
Speaker 1: idea of losing yourself. You struggle to answer what do
19:57
Speaker 1: I want without thinking of what your partner once first,
20:00
Speaker 1: So someone who's lost themselves in a relationship will instantly think, oh,
20:04
Speaker 1: but we want this or And it makes sense if
20:07
Speaker 1: you're talking about, for example, if someone asks me where
20:11
Speaker 1: do you want to live in the future, what do
20:12
Speaker 1: you want to Of course I'm factoring in Tyrone into
20:16
Speaker 1: this equation absolutely, because we are a partnership and we're
20:20
Speaker 1: going to be living together, so that makes sense to think, well,
20:23
Speaker 1: you know Tyrone, and I think, but uh fair within context.
20:26
Speaker 1: But if someone's asking me about what do I want
20:29
Speaker 1: as an individual for my life, to think that I
20:32
Speaker 1: still need to be factoring tyrone into every single answer
20:35
Speaker 1: is not right because we are still our own selves.
20:38
Speaker 1: We are still at individuals. I should be able to
20:40
Speaker 1: boldly state what I want for my career, for my health,
20:43
Speaker 1: for all these things without thinking that I need to
20:45
Speaker 1: factor a we into it. Okay. And then, of course,
20:50
Speaker 1: if the relationship ended, you wouldn't know who you are
20:54
Speaker 1: outside of that relationship. You'd feel like everything was dropped
20:56
Speaker 1: to the wayside and now you've literally lost it all.
20:59
Speaker 1: So everything about this is when you lose yourself to
21:02
Speaker 1: a relationship, especially an unhealthy one, you are more likely
21:05
Speaker 1: to stay in that relationship even when it doesn't serve you,
21:08
Speaker 1: because you are terrified of what does my life look like? Now?
21:13
Speaker 1: I have no personal purpose. I've like lived for this relationship,
21:17
Speaker 1: and without this relationship, who am I? I've lost my identity
21:20
Speaker 1: because I've made this menu identity. Okay, Now the question
21:24
Speaker 1: can you find yourself while you're in the relationship, Yes,
21:27
Speaker 1: of course you can, and you can encourage the same
21:29
Speaker 1: from your partner because there's you know, often when you
21:32
Speaker 1: lose yourself in a relationship, your partner's doing the same thing.
21:35
Speaker 1: And then there's many situations where it's not the case.
21:37
Speaker 1: Partners keeps living the life that they want to be living,
21:39
Speaker 1: and you're the one who's dedicating and giving you all
21:41
Speaker 1: to this relationship and to the extent where everything else suffers. Okay,
21:46
Speaker 1: since since now, let's ask yourself a few questions. I
22:10
Speaker 1: want this episode to be a bit of like a
22:12
Speaker 1: wake up call or like the sign that you need.
22:15
Speaker 1: And I want you to ask yourself for these important
22:17
Speaker 1: questions so you can understand the essence of your relationship,
22:21
Speaker 1: the essence of where you're at. If it's possible to
22:23
Speaker 1: mend the relationship, like while you're in it, to mend
22:26
Speaker 1: how you feel versus is this like an A or
22:29
Speaker 1: B situation? I either stay here and everything stays the same,
22:33
Speaker 1: or if I change, my partner will have crazy like
22:36
Speaker 1: there'll be a backlash and I'm going to have to leave. Okay,
22:38
Speaker 1: so you'll be hopefully able to answer all those questions
22:41
Speaker 1: by the end of the episode. But let's start with
22:43
Speaker 1: a couple of questions. Do you seek reassurance to things
22:47
Speaker 1: that only involve you? Okay, you've got a spare afternoon,
22:54
Speaker 1: you want to do something with that time? Do you
22:56
Speaker 1: ask your partner, you know, if they mind if you
23:00
Speaker 1: do things, or what do you think I should do
23:01
Speaker 1: this afternoon? Or what you know for me if I've
23:04
Speaker 1: got a spare afternoon. Tyrone finds out when I'm halfway
23:08
Speaker 1: doing whatever the fuck I've decided to do, I don't
23:10
Speaker 1: have to I don't have to announce what I'm doing
23:12
Speaker 1: with my time, nor does he to me. You know.
23:15
Speaker 1: So it's very much like I'll be like, oh, I
23:17
Speaker 1: went and ended up here at this random fucking place
23:20
Speaker 1: and I met up with this play. He's like, oh,
23:21
Speaker 1: that's when I update him later, okay, But I'm not saying, oh,
23:24
Speaker 1: I've got a few hours off, what should I do?
23:26
Speaker 1: Or do you like, do you need me? Or do
23:28
Speaker 1: you know I was thinking about maybe doing this, what
23:29
Speaker 1: do you think? Okay? Or bigger picture things like career wise,
23:36
Speaker 1: you know, fair enough to get their opinion, you know,
23:38
Speaker 1: I love asking for Tyree's opinion on big things because
23:41
Speaker 1: you know, I value his opinion. But ultimately, if it's
23:43
Speaker 1: something that that has to do with me, I would
23:46
Speaker 1: have no issue hearing out his opinion, but then being like, yeah,
23:50
Speaker 1: fair enough, but I'm going to do the other thing.
23:52
Speaker 1: I'm still going to do the other thing. That I
23:53
Speaker 1: thought because ultimately I'm the one who has to do
23:55
Speaker 1: it and I've still thought it through and thanks for
23:58
Speaker 1: your opinion, but no thanks. Do you find it harder
24:02
Speaker 1: to make decisions without the input of your partner? Okay?
24:07
Speaker 1: When spending time with your friends or family and your
24:11
Speaker 1: partner is not there, do you find yourself missing them
24:15
Speaker 1: and feeling like you don't want to be there unless
24:18
Speaker 1: you're there, Like your mind is off somewhere else? Can
24:20
Speaker 1: you really be present? Like how comfortable do you feel
24:25
Speaker 1: in those situations? Because it's okay to miss your partner,
24:29
Speaker 1: But if you're just spending one night with your friends
24:33
Speaker 1: and family and your mind is on your partner the
24:35
Speaker 1: whole time, that is an indicator that you might have
24:38
Speaker 1: lost yourself in the relationship where you don't feel completely
24:40
Speaker 1: at ease and relaxed and comfortable. It's not normal to
24:43
Speaker 1: just miss someone so much that you wish they were
24:46
Speaker 1: there and then you're not able to enjoy yourself when
24:48
Speaker 1: it's just an evening. Okay, I am going to go
24:53
Speaker 1: through some steps, but prior to that, just note that
24:57
Speaker 1: the more dependent you become on your relationship and making
25:00
Speaker 1: it part of your identity, the harder it is for
25:02
Speaker 1: you to grow, for you to evolve, the harder it
25:05
Speaker 1: is for your partner to evolve, and for you to
25:08
Speaker 1: look at things critically within the relationship, so you kind
25:10
Speaker 1: up digging yourself into a hole, and same goes for
25:13
Speaker 1: your partner. Now there's a few steps that I want
25:17
Speaker 1: you to take. We've got how many do we have?
25:21
Speaker 1: I really should number these? There's about like ten maybe, well,
25:26
Speaker 1: so number one I want you to ask. This is
25:29
Speaker 1: going to be the hardest one. I think number one
25:31
Speaker 1: may be the hardest one. Speak to a best friend,
25:35
Speaker 1: a sibling, just someone who knows you really well, who
25:38
Speaker 1: you know cares for you and doesn't. It's not in
25:41
Speaker 1: a judgmental way, it's purely out of love. That kind
25:44
Speaker 1: of relationship really solid one. Ask them from your perspective,
25:49
Speaker 1: do you think this is happening? Okay? And I want
25:52
Speaker 1: you to get really honest feedback because they're the ones
25:54
Speaker 1: that I've got to notice the change before you do.
25:57
Speaker 1: And the reason why I'm saying speak to someone who
25:59
Speaker 1: you truly truly love, because sometimes, like friends, they can
26:03
Speaker 1: say things that make you or you might be avoiding
26:06
Speaker 1: it's like no, no, no, I'm going to be attacked. I'm
26:07
Speaker 1: going to be attacked. Whereas if I, you know, for
26:10
Speaker 1: my sister for example, or live if that was to
26:13
Speaker 1: happen to me and I were to open up and
26:14
Speaker 1: be like, hey, please be honest, I know that they
26:16
Speaker 1: would respond yes, honestly, but with a lot of kindness,
26:21
Speaker 1: but they would tell me what I need to hear. Okay,
26:23
Speaker 1: And I think it's very important if you have that
26:25
Speaker 1: kind of person in your life, say, listen, I'm not
26:27
Speaker 1: here to be attacked, but I need to know from
26:31
Speaker 1: your perspective, do you think that I've lost myself in
26:33
Speaker 1: this relationship? And why? Okay, that's important. Number two, compare
26:39
Speaker 1: yourself to the you before the relationship. What have you
26:42
Speaker 1: sacrificed that did not need sacrificing, Because yes, when you
26:48
Speaker 1: have a partner, you're going to have to sacrifice some
26:51
Speaker 1: time that you either used to spend on your owner,
26:53
Speaker 1: with your friends. With your partner, you've got it, you know,
26:55
Speaker 1: balance things a bit more because you don't want to
26:57
Speaker 1: be like, oh, we're dating, but lol, I'm not giving
26:59
Speaker 1: you any time like that doesn't make sense. But then,
27:02
Speaker 1: what have you sacrificed that didn't need sacrificing? Did you
27:06
Speaker 1: give up on all your hobbies? Did you give up
27:08
Speaker 1: on maybe like your morning routine that really works for
27:11
Speaker 1: you because your partner prefers to sleep in and you
27:13
Speaker 1: want to wake up with your partner. And now all
27:14
Speaker 1: that you know, what have you given up that you
27:16
Speaker 1: didn't really need to give up? Well? What has changed
27:20
Speaker 1: that didn't need to change? Okay? Because you don't want
27:27
Speaker 1: to think that. I think a lot of people think
27:28
Speaker 1: that when you enter a relationship, not even a lot
27:30
Speaker 1: of people, there's a certain population of people that think
27:32
Speaker 1: when you enter a relationship, everything in your life now changes.
27:35
Speaker 1: It does not have to be the way, especially if
27:37
Speaker 1: you like your life. Number three, ask yourself, do you
27:41
Speaker 1: place the same expectations on your partner that you place
27:45
Speaker 1: on yourself, Because it's really important to keep those things separate,
27:51
Speaker 1: because you could easily be like, yeah, but my partner
27:53
Speaker 1: does the same thing. My partner, it doesn't matter, Like
27:56
Speaker 1: are you expecting that from your partner? And just because
27:58
Speaker 1: you both do it and it's received, that still doesn't
28:01
Speaker 1: make it okay. It still should be something where you
28:04
Speaker 1: are not losing yourself in a relationship. People who like
28:07
Speaker 1: who really lean into their independence and what makes them
28:10
Speaker 1: them actually have more successful relationships. And I wish I
28:14
Speaker 1: could quote studies on that, but I actually have quoted
28:16
Speaker 1: studies on that in my most recent book, How to
28:19
Speaker 1: Chess Change that fucking read it and you'll see it now.
28:25
Speaker 1: The next one is revisit hobbies, activities, passions, or even
28:30
Speaker 1: try something new. Okay, something that used to bring you
28:34
Speaker 1: joy before the relationship. You think, oh, it probably doesn't
28:38
Speaker 1: bring me joy anymore because at the start of a
28:40
Speaker 1: relationship it's very exciting. It's really hard to match that
28:43
Speaker 1: level of excitement at the start of a relationship, so
28:45
Speaker 1: everything else is like, I don't need to go to pottery.
28:47
Speaker 1: I've got a fucking date tonight with someone I'm really into.
28:50
Speaker 1: So you just think, oh, it's not But once you
28:52
Speaker 1: things have like leveled out a bit in the relationship,
28:55
Speaker 1: you think why I used to love doing these things
28:57
Speaker 1: and they actually was very fulfilling and I used to
28:59
Speaker 1: enjoy the inter have with people or enjoy the progress
29:02
Speaker 1: that I was making. So what can you revisit And
29:06
Speaker 1: if you want to try something different, what can you
29:08
Speaker 1: try different that's just about you. I want to start
29:11
Speaker 1: a hobby that's just about me or my best friend,
29:14
Speaker 1: but basically not bringing your partner into this hobby that
29:17
Speaker 1: you're wanting. Okay. The next one is set personal goals
29:23
Speaker 1: that are independent from your partner. Okay, this is your
29:26
Speaker 1: goal about you, not Oh, but we're doing it together
29:29
Speaker 1: because we're each other's accountability. Buddy. You're fine, you can
29:32
Speaker 1: do something that's like that. But the point of this
29:34
Speaker 1: exercise is I want a goal that is nothing to
29:36
Speaker 1: do with your partner. I want to run a fucking
29:39
Speaker 1: ten k. I want to run a half marathon. I
29:41
Speaker 1: want to be able to fucking whatever the fuck it is,
29:46
Speaker 1: but not include your partner in it, all right, and
29:49
Speaker 1: I would even state that to my partner. I'm going
29:52
Speaker 1: to talk about broaching this topic with your partner a
29:54
Speaker 1: bit later on, but I think it's important to say,
29:57
Speaker 1: love you so much, but in order to help find myself,
30:00
Speaker 1: forget in the essence of who I am, I'm going
30:01
Speaker 1: to do this goal that is not related to you
30:03
Speaker 1: at all at all. So I'm gonna go and do
30:06
Speaker 1: this thing. And if your partner's like, yeah, but I
30:07
Speaker 1: really want to do that too, say well, go ahead
30:09
Speaker 1: do it. But I want to train on my own.
30:11
Speaker 1: I want to be the driver of this on my own.
30:12
Speaker 1: I want to do all of this on my own. Okay.
30:15
Speaker 1: The next one is prioritize alone time. So this is
30:19
Speaker 1: solo time to reflect, recharge, or honestly just enjoy your
30:24
Speaker 1: own company when you're alone. It doesn't have to be
30:26
Speaker 1: like now I have to fucking journal, Like now I
30:27
Speaker 1: have to write it down, I have to think, Dave,
30:29
Speaker 1: I need to fucking sit with my fucking thoughts. It
30:31
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be. I can just enjoy my own
30:33
Speaker 1: company i'm alone. I might cook something. I might just
30:35
Speaker 1: put on my favorite show. I might read a book,
30:37
Speaker 1: might just relax, I might fucking whatever it is, but
30:41
Speaker 1: schedule it. Then of course, go to Like meditating is great.
30:46
Speaker 1: You can be going for walks on your own, walks
30:50
Speaker 1: with no music or no podcasts, even if maybe you
30:53
Speaker 1: think we're the first fifteen minutes of this walk, I'm
30:56
Speaker 1: gonna have nothing in my ears and I'm just with myself,
30:59
Speaker 1: and I'm like, because as you walk, because you're active,
31:02
Speaker 1: your brain's more active, and then you start like coming
31:04
Speaker 1: up with ideas and you start listening to yourself again,
31:07
Speaker 1: like you might've lost touch to actually hearing what it
31:09
Speaker 1: is that you want and what it is that you need,
31:11
Speaker 1: and then take yourself out on like solo dates. And
31:14
Speaker 1: if you're like, I am not going out to dinner
31:17
Speaker 1: on my own when I've got this perfectly good partner
31:19
Speaker 1: that wants to come go out for coffee in and
31:22
Speaker 1: after in a mid morning on a Saturday with a
31:25
Speaker 1: book thirty minutes, then you can get your partner to
31:28
Speaker 1: meet you thereafter. Just say I want to do thirty minutes,
31:31
Speaker 1: come and meet me after, little tiny things like that.
31:34
Speaker 1: I mean, I also wrote travel Alone, but I feel
31:36
Speaker 1: like if that might be a bit too extreme for
31:38
Speaker 1: someone that's fully lost themselves in a relationship, that might
31:41
Speaker 1: be like, way too far down the spectrum of extreme behavior.
31:45
Speaker 1: Next one is, and this is where we're talking to
31:48
Speaker 1: the partner, is begin to express your true thoughts and
31:52
Speaker 1: true feelings. And this starts with an open conversation with
31:58
Speaker 1: your partner about identity, your own personal space as an individual.
32:04
Speaker 1: And see how your partner responds. Now, really importantly, if
32:08
Speaker 1: you're listening to me right now and you're thinking, nah, nah,
32:12
Speaker 1: fuck that fuck that. If I were to talk to
32:13
Speaker 1: my partner, I just would not go down, Well, ask
32:15
Speaker 1: yourself why this is the real determining factor of who
32:20
Speaker 1: holds the power in the relationship. If you're like, oh,
32:22
Speaker 1: my partner's a sweetheart, they would be so receptive to that,
32:26
Speaker 1: Like they're my biggest cheerleader. They probably want me to
32:28
Speaker 1: have more independence. I just lean into these behaviors. Yeah,
32:31
Speaker 1: that's fine, Like I could talk to them and they'd
32:33
Speaker 1: probably be helpful. They'll probably really encourage this. But then
32:37
Speaker 1: you might turn around and be like, absolutely if I cannot,
32:40
Speaker 1: they're going to try and control me. They'll be blowing up,
32:42
Speaker 1: they're going to gaslight me. They're going to flip it
32:44
Speaker 1: all around and make it look like I'm selfish and
32:45
Speaker 1: that I actually don't give enough to the relationship as
32:48
Speaker 1: it is, and now I want to take more They're
32:49
Speaker 1: going to and you start answering if that is the answer,
32:52
Speaker 1: then you maybe go listen to my Toxic Psychos and
32:55
Speaker 1: Red Flags episode and listen to my how to Detect
32:58
Speaker 1: a Narcissist and how to deal with cooked Dubs that
33:00
Speaker 1: are stuck in your life. All those episodes are going
33:03
Speaker 1: to be beneficial in dealing with that kind of person. Okay,
33:07
Speaker 1: but it is important to talk to your partner about
33:09
Speaker 1: this and call out your behaviors, because when you speak
33:13
Speaker 1: to your partner especially, that's something that you want to
33:16
Speaker 1: want to change if you want them involved in the conversation,
33:19
Speaker 1: the best way to do it is through warmth and
33:21
Speaker 1: through making it a safe space for them. So what
33:23
Speaker 1: I would recommend you don't do is, ever since I
33:27
Speaker 1: started dating you, I've been like, don't make it as
33:29
Speaker 1: in they've done something wrong. Just say I've noticed that
33:33
Speaker 1: since we've been dating, I have changed my behaviors. Make
33:36
Speaker 1: it about like what's in your control. I've noticed that
33:40
Speaker 1: I'm spending less time with my friends. I stopped doing
33:42
Speaker 1: hobbies and this was all my choice, But now I
33:46
Speaker 1: find myself in a place where I just don't really
33:48
Speaker 1: recognize myself compared to my old self before the relationship,
33:52
Speaker 1: and I really want to start finding my individual self again.
33:54
Speaker 1: I think i'd be much happier. And when I'm happier
33:57
Speaker 1: than you know, everyone wins vice versa. I'd love for
34:02
Speaker 1: you to encourage me on this. I'd love for you,
34:04
Speaker 1: and then you know they're a healthy person, they will
34:07
Speaker 1: do the same if they're also the same as you say,
34:09
Speaker 1: this is something that we should be working on together.
34:11
Speaker 1: We both need our individuality. You could say to your partner,
34:14
Speaker 1: I noticed that since we got together, you rarely hang
34:16
Speaker 1: out with your friends. I want you to have strong friendships.
34:18
Speaker 1: You need these connections outside of the relationship. Maybe you
34:21
Speaker 1: should hang out with your friends more often. Maybe you
34:23
Speaker 1: should like schedule a catch up soon, things like that,
34:26
Speaker 1: and so that way it goes both ways and you're
34:28
Speaker 1: really supporting each other, all right. So then you've got
34:33
Speaker 1: to decide how am I going to set some boundaries
34:36
Speaker 1: to protect my individuality and you can again talk to
34:40
Speaker 1: your partner about that. You could say, I think it's
34:42
Speaker 1: important that we set certain boundaries. So for example, if
34:46
Speaker 1: you say that you want to go for a walk,
34:48
Speaker 1: instead of me leaping to go with you, maybe I
34:51
Speaker 1: can be like, is this an alone time walk? Maybe yep,
34:54
Speaker 1: go for it. You know you should, and vice versa.
34:57
Speaker 1: You know you should say to your partner if I
34:59
Speaker 1: ever say that I want to do something alone, please
35:01
Speaker 1: don't question it, question me on it, and please don't
35:03
Speaker 1: think that it's a personal attack. This is something I'm
35:05
Speaker 1: doing for myself personally. You've got to like set the foundations,
35:09
Speaker 1: preempt what they might say, and say, this is where
35:12
Speaker 1: it's coming from. It's not coming from a place of
35:14
Speaker 1: me not wanting to spend time with you. It's coming
35:16
Speaker 1: from a place of me needing to reconnect with myself
35:18
Speaker 1: and what it is that I need. So if you
35:20
Speaker 1: can say that before the event, then your partner's way
35:23
Speaker 1: less likely. Like I remember when I was in this
35:25
Speaker 1: really unhealthy relationship, my friend said to me once, oh
35:28
Speaker 1: I had you know, I told my partner that I
35:31
Speaker 1: was going to go over to his But then I
35:33
Speaker 1: called him later and I said, I know, we're just
35:34
Speaker 1: going to have a movie night, but I just want
35:36
Speaker 1: a night alone. I just want to run a bath
35:38
Speaker 1: and read some magazines. And he was like, yeah, fair enough.
35:40
Speaker 1: And I remember hearing her say that, and I was like,
35:43
Speaker 1: in no universe, in no alternate universe, would I ever
35:49
Speaker 1: be able to do that, Like I think my partner
35:51
Speaker 1: would just laugh at me, gas like me would ridicule me,
35:55
Speaker 1: would make me feel like I'm just taking the piss
35:58
Speaker 1: out of the relationship, Whereas now I could easily do
36:02
Speaker 1: that with my relationships. You've got to ask yourself, like,
36:04
Speaker 1: why is it that I don't feel comfortable doing this,
36:06
Speaker 1: Because there'll be several reasons for it. The next thing
36:08
Speaker 1: is start taking steps to build confidence in yourself. So
36:12
Speaker 1: one of the best ways to do that is start
36:13
Speaker 1: making decisions that don't require their approval. And you know,
36:19
Speaker 1: because there's many decisions that you currently could be making
36:21
Speaker 1: that don't need their approval, but you're asking for their
36:23
Speaker 1: approval anyway. So that's the first step. Then you start thinking, oh,
36:25
Speaker 1: it's I did that and I didn't die. It was fine.
36:29
Speaker 1: Start validating your own decisions. Look at other decisions and
36:32
Speaker 1: your past that have worked for you and say, I'm
36:34
Speaker 1: very capable. Look what about the time that I did this,
36:36
Speaker 1: that I did that. This is all off my own back,
36:38
Speaker 1: I could do that. So remind yourself of these times
36:41
Speaker 1: and then use that to help validate your behaviors and
36:44
Speaker 1: your decisions moving forward. And yeah, like always be reminding
36:49
Speaker 1: yourself of your strengths, your achievements in the past. And
36:52
Speaker 1: it's like, if I'm capable of doing it, then I'm
36:54
Speaker 1: capable of doing it now and more right, And then
36:57
Speaker 1: the next one is strengthen The second last one is
36:59
Speaker 1: strengthen your sense of self. So ask yourself, who am
37:03
Speaker 1: I as an individual outside of this relationship? Okay, because
37:09
Speaker 1: if this relationship was to break down. Would I feel
37:12
Speaker 1: lost as an individual or just heartbroken but still a
37:15
Speaker 1: complete individual, because the answer should always be I would
37:19
Speaker 1: be you know, it's there's nothing wrong with being devastated
37:23
Speaker 1: because someone broke your heart. There's nothing wrong with being heartbroken,
37:26
Speaker 1: But you never want to feel like you don't know
37:28
Speaker 1: who you are and you would be no one without
37:30
Speaker 1: this person, because that means that you are struggling to
37:34
Speaker 1: maintain your own identity within the relationship and that's not
37:37
Speaker 1: helping anyone, all right, And then remind yourself that it's
37:42
Speaker 1: okay to have different, you know, beliefs, different personal beliefs,
37:46
Speaker 1: even if they differ from your partner. I do believe
37:48
Speaker 1: that there are certain non negotiable beliefs, like morally that
37:52
Speaker 1: I think we need to align with our partner in
37:54
Speaker 1: order to have a successful relationship. But then there's going
37:57
Speaker 1: to be other things that are not that are more
37:59
Speaker 1: surface level where it's okay to disagree on like smaller things,
38:05
Speaker 1: you know, and it's up to you to determine what's
38:07
Speaker 1: a non negotiable and what's not. But you know, even
38:10
Speaker 1: like let's talk super surface level. You know, you could
38:12
Speaker 1: go for different sporting teams, you could go for rival
38:16
Speaker 1: sporting teams, you could go for different you know, whatever
38:18
Speaker 1: it is. There's nothing wrong with having a bit of
38:21
Speaker 1: that friendly banter where there's like a bit of a clash.
38:24
Speaker 1: As long as it's not something morally that makes you
38:26
Speaker 1: be like, this is the biggestck ever because morally this
38:29
Speaker 1: just grinds like it goes against me, then there's nothing
38:33
Speaker 1: wrong with that. Stay true to your likes and your dislikes.
38:36
Speaker 1: You can voice things that you don't like without putting
38:38
Speaker 1: down what your partner likes. You can still say no,
38:40
Speaker 1: but I like this more because for these reasons. And
38:43
Speaker 1: then the last point is to create balance in the relationship.
38:48
Speaker 1: Work towards creating that balance. So this is something that
38:52
Speaker 1: you want to do together. A lot of the time
38:54
Speaker 1: both people become quite codependent and lose themselves to the relationship.
38:58
Speaker 1: So it's like it's something that you can do as
39:00
Speaker 1: like a you know, independent joint project because it's like
39:04
Speaker 1: you're still working on your independence, but you're helping each
39:07
Speaker 1: other do that, which is great because you're still a partnership.
39:12
Speaker 1: Think about supporting each other's growth instead of trying to
39:16
Speaker 1: merge your identity as one. Okay, if my partner thrives
39:21
Speaker 1: as an individual, They're going to be more fulfilled in life.
39:23
Speaker 1: They're going to be a lot happier, They're going to
39:25
Speaker 1: feel a lot more secure and stable as a person,
39:28
Speaker 1: and therefore their relationships are going to thrive, including this
39:31
Speaker 1: one and vice versa. Okay, so you need to think
39:35
Speaker 1: about if I really love this relationship, and if I
39:37
Speaker 1: really love my partner and vice versa, then I want
39:40
Speaker 1: them to feel very strong in who they are as
39:43
Speaker 1: a person. Makes me happy knowing that they like who
39:46
Speaker 1: they are and they want to grow on that. Okay,
39:50
Speaker 1: And then of course encourage your partner to maintain their
39:53
Speaker 1: own identity. And you want to think a healthy relationship
39:56
Speaker 1: should complement your life. It should not consume it. You
40:00
Speaker 1: compliment it significantly, but it should not consume it. You
40:04
Speaker 1: can love someone so deeply it could be the greatest
40:07
Speaker 1: love of your life, whilest still being yourself one hundred percent.
40:11
Speaker 1: That's how it should be. I think it's easier to
40:14
Speaker 1: love somebody when you are completely whole within yourself because
40:18
Speaker 1: you're not confusing a need for love. If you don't
40:22
Speaker 1: need this person in your life because they are your
40:24
Speaker 1: new identity, then You're with them because you love them
40:28
Speaker 1: in your life and they compliment your life. They bring
40:29
Speaker 1: things to your life, but they are not the new you. Okay. Now, Lastly,
40:35
Speaker 1: to remember to remind yourself the reason why losing yourself
40:41
Speaker 1: in a relationship is not really that healthy is because
40:43
Speaker 1: you end up sacrificing your own happiness. You know, you're
40:46
Speaker 1: prioritizing someone over you. You might find yourself unhappy, but
40:50
Speaker 1: you're kind of unsure because you've like disconnected from your
40:53
Speaker 1: own desires and your own needs, and you're kind of
40:55
Speaker 1: like a bit lost of why you're unhappy. But it's
40:57
Speaker 1: because you've lost the essence of who you are, all
40:59
Speaker 1: those things that make you you that I spoke about
41:01
Speaker 1: at the start of the episode. You know, you become
41:03
Speaker 1: dependent on your partner for identity and validation. Your personal
41:07
Speaker 1: growth gets stunted. It gets like or like paused all together.
41:11
Speaker 1: You know, I've seen a lot of people that like
41:12
Speaker 1: they had, you know, goals that they were working on
41:14
Speaker 1: and hobbies and things that they were you know, they
41:16
Speaker 1: were saying growth and then it just gets paused. Like
41:18
Speaker 1: I said, you know, the three pillars for happiness like growth, connection,
41:20
Speaker 1: and purpose. You know, if you're not growing. If you
41:23
Speaker 1: don't feel a sense of individual purpose then and you're
41:26
Speaker 1: losing connection with other people around you, then you might
41:28
Speaker 1: be miserable, and then you feel even less inclined to
41:31
Speaker 1: want to change because you're like, I need this person
41:33
Speaker 1: more than ever now because I've got to rely on them.
41:36
Speaker 1: Your relationship could become unhealthy and codependent because of these behaviors.
41:40
Speaker 1: Of course, you lose connection with the people that are
41:41
Speaker 1: close to you. If the relationship ends, you end up
41:44
Speaker 1: feeling so fucking lost. You're like a shell of a human,
41:48
Speaker 1: a shell of your former self, and it feels like
41:51
Speaker 1: if you know, you've lost your entire identity, entire identity.
41:55
Speaker 1: And then when that happens, you're more likely to like
41:57
Speaker 1: leap into the next opportunity where your love instead of thinking, no,
42:01
Speaker 1: I need to be selective on who I'm going to date, okay,
42:04
Speaker 1: and then it can take longer to rediscover who you
42:07
Speaker 1: are outside of the relationship. And then a lot of
42:09
Speaker 1: people don't like that stage, so then again they're leaping
42:13
Speaker 1: into the next relationship where they have to then mold
42:15
Speaker 1: their identity around that, and then your relationship itself, even
42:20
Speaker 1: if it does go like continue on suffers because if
42:25
Speaker 1: one person loses themselves, and if it's one sided, the
42:28
Speaker 1: other person can feel suffocated or bored or feel like
42:31
Speaker 1: they can't then really do their things that they want
42:33
Speaker 1: to do. Attraction and passions can sometimes fade when someone
42:38
Speaker 1: stops being their unique, independent selves, like you fell in
42:41
Speaker 1: love with this person because they've got unique qualities that
42:43
Speaker 1: make them them. They then try and morph into you
42:46
Speaker 1: or vice versa. It starts becoming a bit like a
42:50
Speaker 1: routine and mundane, and you're like, who, Like, where's the
42:53
Speaker 1: difference between you and me? And where where's this like
42:55
Speaker 1: spark that we will always bring to the relationship because
42:58
Speaker 1: now we're just like one blob, Like what the fuck right?
43:02
Speaker 1: And then remind yourself that real love will always thrive
43:06
Speaker 1: when both people are their full, authentic selves and they're
43:09
Speaker 1: able to bring that into the relationship, not change who
43:12
Speaker 1: they are in order to be in a relationship. Okay,
43:15
Speaker 1: So a strong relationship, it should empower you. It should
43:20
Speaker 1: boost up your individuality and who you are and make
43:23
Speaker 1: you feel empowered by that and safe. But it should
43:28
Speaker 1: not eraise you ever. Okay, it shouldn't eraise the essence
43:32
Speaker 1: of who you are. And your personality. So if you
43:34
Speaker 1: feel this happening in your relationship, I want you to
43:37
Speaker 1: really reflect back on all the one billion points that
43:40
Speaker 1: I just went through and just be so honest with
43:43
Speaker 1: yourself because things can change. It just takes an initial conversation.
43:47
Speaker 1: And if you're saying to yourself, I could never have
43:50
Speaker 1: a conversation with my partner that would absolutely kill me,
43:52
Speaker 1: like they would just die, then that's a whole other
43:55
Speaker 1: issue that we're dealing with, and that is your own
43:57
Speaker 1: and emotionally, you know, unhealthy if not a relationship. And
44:00
Speaker 1: this is where I encourage you to go through the
44:03
Speaker 1: back catalog of my episodes to ask yourself the questions
44:07
Speaker 1: that you need to ask yourself to know, am I
44:09
Speaker 1: in an unhealthy relationship or not? Am I in an
44:12
Speaker 1: emotionally abusive relationship or not? Are they anacissist or not?
44:15
Speaker 1: Those kinds of questions. Thanks so much for listening to
44:18
Speaker 1: today's episode. I really hope that this, you know, if
44:21
Speaker 1: it did strike a chord, I really hope that it's
44:23
Speaker 1: given you, like the light, a light at the end
44:27
Speaker 1: of the tunnel where you can be like, Okay, there's
44:28
Speaker 1: something I can do and maybe hope being like, I
44:31
Speaker 1: love this person, but I also hate that I've lost myself.
44:35
Speaker 1: I can have both, you know, for the for in
44:37
Speaker 1: a lot of scenarios you can. And if it's someone
44:40
Speaker 1: that you know, fucking send the episode. Don't worry about
44:44
Speaker 1: you know, offending them, You're you're doing it out of love.
44:46
Speaker 1: Send them the episode anyway. That is all for today.
44:49
Speaker 1: I love you guys so much. As always, remember be
44:53
Speaker 1: kind to your brain, be kind to yourself, be kind.
44:55
Speaker 1: My god, I can't remember my own fucking line. Love
44:58
Speaker 1: you guys so much. Always remember becond to yourself, becond
45:01
Speaker 1: to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially
45:04
Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself. Duncan h