Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep13: Leanne Unfiltered 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep13: Leanne Unfiltered 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I have three children that I'm in love with and um I am now an empty nester.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: But they I have two in college and one married and I um you think I'd look forward to being an empty nester.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Some people go, woo, I don't feel woo.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I miss them, my husband misses them.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um I found Netflix when I when the last one left, my baby child, she's now 20, when she left, I took to the bed.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I ate uh chocolate-covered blueberries that you get at Target.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: And and I found Netflix and I um binged watch Scandal.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Have y'all seen Scandal that first season?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: The the chemistry between the two main characters.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think something's really going on.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, it set me on fire.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so I laid up in the bed and watched that and like ordered Jimmy John's from my bed.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband said, Are you alright?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I ended up getting sciatica from laying in the bed.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get bed sores, I got sciatica and then ended up having to get physical therapy that cost$1,000 because of my deductible.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, but I grieve so much over my kids being gone.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so when my husband gets home, he's as sad as I am.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: When he gets home, we just stare out into space.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And he's done, he's very quiet.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's an introvert, he doesn't talk, he doesn't chat.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I just sit and talk to myself.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: And we tap two bagle hounds, and we just sit and kiss them in the mouth.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And they are yummy.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: And we go to bed, and I uh a lot of y'all look really young in here, and I'm gonna scare y'all to death, but I'm gonna tell y'all, I'm gonna tell, look at these young girls right here.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell y'all what's your future is gonna be, okay?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, when you get in the about your mid-40s, you're gonna go through, start a thing called perimenopause.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's before you go through menopause, and it makes you crazy.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you sweat in the bed at night.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and you all your hormones get messed up.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I go to the bedroom and I am so hot at night that I put the air on 68 because I don't want to die.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: My husband puts it back up on 70, and he says, You're freezing me to death.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: He's having to wear pajamas for the first time in our marriage.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: He said, I can see my breath.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lie.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I know he is cold because one time he had to wear a toboggan.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, we get in the bed, and that big beagle who is 10 years old, a boy named Augie, who is so sweet, my husband spoons him in the bed.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then we've got a new little beagle that is a pocket beagle, and her name is Gigi, and she is so yummy, and she she had a nervous tick when we got her, and she ate our couch.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: But other than that, I love her, and she gets in the bed and she backs her little butthole up against my hand at night, right here.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And when we get, all right, so when my husband spoons that big one, that big one will wall his eyes at me and and looks like, I don't want him.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I want you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell y'all how this all started between me and my husband.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: We met at the University of Tennessee while he was stalking me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: He was so tickled with me.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he was getting an MBA.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was getting finishing up my undergraduate.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: He is so smart and such an overachiever that he had already gotten an undergraduate, worked for two years, and got an MBA.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was just finishing mine up, my undergraduate, because I'm so fun.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I thought, oh my gosh, he is so smart, he can do math.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: He can he can reconcile a checkbook.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: There's no telling where we're gonna go, what we're gonna see, what we're gonna, how we're gonna live.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we graduated and he decided to buy a used mobile home business in Bean Station, Tennessee.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I know y'all don't know where Bean Station is in the foothills of the Appalachia Mountains.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Did any of y'all ever see Deliverance?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think they filmed that there.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful, beautiful lakes and pretty and all that.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: But so he moved me there and he wanted me to be in sales for him at this used mobile home business.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I did that day until I saw a family drive up in a gremlin with the wind out and a nine-year-old smoking a cigarette.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's the truth.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: She lit it off of her Mima.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that's her grandmother.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need an interpreter?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: She lit it off her grandmama, and so I quit that day, and I went home and I got pregnant that night.
• 5:53
  unknown: All right.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I had three babies in four and a half years.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it hurt.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it did.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was pregnant andor breastfeeding for six straight years in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and let me tell y'all, when I found out about my third baby, I feel terrible how I reacted, but I was so overwhelmed and so tired.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I knew that day I didn't feel right.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, what is wrong with me?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm tired and I kind of feel sick.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, oh my gosh, surely I'm not pregnant this quick after this, you know, because my girls were 20 months apart.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to know.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was crazy.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I drove to the Walmart in the foothills of the Appalachia Mountains, and I took my two babies with me, and the diaper bag and all that stuff you take with you, and I went into the Walmart and bought an EPT pregnancy test.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: I took it in the stall and I tinkled on it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And my three-year-old boy looked at me and said, What?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Is it positive?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it was.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I drove home just as fast as I could, and I called my husband at work, and I said, You're trying to kill me, aren't you?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you're not going to, because I'm gonna walk out in the woods and let the animals eat me.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: But y'all little mamas probably know what I'm talking about.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's so overwhelming.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: We would be in the grocery store, and my three-year-old little boy, so yummy, so sweet, would be in Superman panties with doo-doo balls falling out at the grocery store.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think, oh my gosh, did anybody see that?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have anything in my purse to pick it up with.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep on moving, everybody.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep on moving.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh me.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, now they are grown.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I cannot believe it.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: It just flew by.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: My boy is 24 years old and he is married.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: He got out of college, he met his college sweetheart, his freshman year.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: He never he said he would never marry young, but he did, and he brought her home.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I, all right, who in here has had boys and girls?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Can you clap?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think's okay, who do you think is easier to raise?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just yell it out.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Boys or girls?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Boys.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Boys.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while, a little frail woman will yell, girl.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And she's probably being threatened.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, no.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: My boy is 24 years old and he is married.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: He got out of college.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: He met his college sweetheart, his freshman year.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: He never he said he would never marry young, but he did.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And he brought her home.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I, all right, who in here has had boys and girls?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Can you clap?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think's okay?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think is easier to raise?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just yell it out.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Boys or girls?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Boys.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Boys.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while, a little frail woman will yell, girl.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she's probably being threatened.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, no.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: We love our girls.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I love my girls.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I truly do.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that when I'm in the nursing home, they'll be the ones to come and pluck my chin hairs.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because my boy will be off with his wife and her people.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because he said to me, uh, he brought her home and he said, You got a terrible look on your forehead.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, it's nothing against her.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's just I'm jealous because I thought you would only love me.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's twisted, I know it is, but he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, my kids all yell at me, and my husband, everybody's in a bad mood all the time, and he's the only one that's never fussed at me.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And he was just the sweetest child growing up.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so when he said he was gonna marry somebody and move off, I it was awful.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: But let me say that I love her, and they live near us, and she's like another child to me, and it has been a blessing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: She is very sweet and has forgiven me for my forehead looks.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, but he said to me right before they got married, he goes, Mom, she's gonna be my immediate family.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're now my extended family.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Mom, that's biblical.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, why did I show him the Bible?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you all about him.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: He's an old soul.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever met anybody that was an old soul?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: He was born an 80-year-old man.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: He has had a garden since he was in sixth grade.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: He plays the mountain dulcimer and the banjo.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: He woodworks.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: He makes spoons.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: He makes spoons.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, he is so yummy.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: All right, his favorite music is gospel bluegrass.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: His favorite, oh, well, okay.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ding-a-ding a ding.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: His favorite artist was Dr.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph Stanley.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Dr.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph, look at you.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Look at you.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Knowing who Dr.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph Stanley is.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, for those of you who don't, he was on the O Brother War Thal.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: That is probably the most famous thing he did.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: But he was the godfather of Mountain Soul.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: He ended up dying at like 92.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And had a little cowboy hat propped on his head.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yummy.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, he would come through Knoxville and I would take my son to see Dr.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph when my son couldn't drive.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: They propped little Dr.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph up on stage because he was so old.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: I almost threw my panties at him because that's what you do to Tom Jones.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I love him.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I was standing there listening to Dr.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ralph Stanley singing Gospel Bluegrass, and I think to myself, how many teenage boys are listening to this?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: What are teenage boys listening to?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Rihanna?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Walk a flock of flame.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Some of that nasty goings on.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I had to yell at my boy, turn that gospel bluegrass down?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: You're out of control.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: If I hear I saw the light one more time.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: She's 22.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: And let me tell y'all, I know every crow thinks theirs is the blackest, but let me say that she is a beauty.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And she is smart, and um she's done very well in school, and she's in a sorority and done well with her sorority, and she's um athletic and uh she's mean, and um we're scared to death of her.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: We walk on eggshells around her.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: She's not mean to other people or in public, she holds it in so that she can come home and like spew it out onto me.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's God's way.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: But this is what I think happens when she was a junior her summer between her junior and senior year.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think that God allows this to happen.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you little girls that your babies aren't this old, let me just listen to me.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: All right, one day they'll just turn on you.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you'll think, who in the world is this?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Who's coming down the steps in the morning?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know who this is.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think that God allows that because he knows that you're about to let your baby go off to college or whatever they're gonna do, and he knows that you're grieving.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: So he makes them just as mean as he can so that you can let them go.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe that.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: That summer, the very breath that I breathed out of my nostrils made her so angry.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: We were not allowed to eat cereal in our own home because she couldn't stand to hear us chew.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean to talk about her because she had a lot on her.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: She had to empty the dishwasher.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Stuff like that.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's so hard.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let me tell you about an example when she was probably your baby's age.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're y'all, y'all's little children, because y'all are so cute.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Look, they their thyroid's still functioning, y'all still got hair.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Good for y'all.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, y'all got on little britches.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yay! Okay.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: When my baby, when my middle one, when she was in elementary school, I was so blessed that I got to pick, take them to school and pick them up every day in my minivan.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I would watch them come out, my girls, and I saw them.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: They were in a good mood.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I saw it.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: All right, they would be goosing each other and waving to all the little children and the principal.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: See you tomorrow.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Then they'd they come over to my minivan, get in, slam the door.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: That middle woman take her backpack and sling me in the back of the head with it.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: She'd say every day something like, I'm starving to death.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have a piece of cheese in this car.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: Your driving's making me car sick.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: I hate her.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Why did you have her?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: And the baby be sitting over the bank, she'd be going, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd say, what?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: And she'd go, mom, mom, mom, ma.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: I go, what?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm listening.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: She could say some of the craziest things.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: She said to me one day, did Jesus ever have headlines?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: How do you answer that?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: I said, well, baby, I don't I don't know.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: But if he did, I know we healed him.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: My husband is very smart and very quiet and an introvert and does very well.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And um uh, and then married me.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: And and we've been exactly the opposite, but it has worked.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he's a big man.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: He's 6'4, he can kick a door in, and I like that.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he works like a dog, and he loves a baby.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell y'all that he is a baby cuddler at East C Children's Hospital.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: He cuddles the drug-dependent babies every week of the world as a volunteer.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, sweet.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't help me with mine.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because he was out making a living and paying for all this.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: We've got two still in college, and and I wanted a fourth baby so bad when my baby child went to kindergarten.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: I nearly grieved myself to death.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, Lord, what am I gonna do with all this time on my hands?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky talking.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And about three weeks into her going to kindergarten, I was like, woohoo! Whoa, now I can go get a Pepsi Mere without somebody sitting on my head.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: But my husband, when I dropped her off, we he said, meet me at the IHOP.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because he knows that pancakes get me through a hard time.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I was crying, and and I said, I want another baby.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, Why don't you get a job?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, I want a fourth baby, and he said, Y'all are sucking the financial life out of me.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: So he bought me a dochin.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: I had that dochin for years, she's gone now.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: But let me tell you, she and I both got thyroid issues.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: She had cushions.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was walking her in our neighborhood one day, and a little girl came out in her driveway and she said, Can I pet your groundhog?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, y'all.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: So about my husband.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so my husband is a big man and is 6'4.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 5'8.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: We breed big kids.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and we wanted them to be in sports and when they were growing up, and so we made them do all kinds of mess they didn't want to do.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And we put our boy, when he was a little bitty, we put him in t-ball.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: He hated it.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't know if any of y'all have had a baby play T-ball, but for those of you who don't know, T ball season, it's about 110 degrees outside.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's little children that are four, look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or a pull-up.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the games last about three hours.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody ever hits the ball, throws the ball, catches the ball, makes contact with the ball.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: My baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: He never touched a ball.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Every once in a while he'd pop his little head up and say, water.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: One game it was so hot, and I tell I told the middle one to go out and take her brother a water bottle.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: She was about two and a half, and she went walking out there with a tutu and a crown and a wand and her pink prostitute shoes from Walmart.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: She walked about halfway, stopped, got a glazed look over her eyes, pulled her little panties to the side, and pooped in the tea ball.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: She really did.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the woods because I didn't want another child to step in it or think it was a milk done.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh y'all.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so much more than way more than I have.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: And since I had a baby in the hospital, I probably weigh about the same that I had a baby in the hospital.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: And back then I remember thinking, oh my gosh, what in the world's happened to me?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I had my class reunion right after I had my first baby, and I wore a big jumper and I was nursing, and I remember um like drinking a Diet Coke and my breast milk shot out the front of my dress.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then one of my friends from high school said, When are you gonna have your baby?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I've had my baby.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I feel fat.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and I am, and it's my hormones.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: I have no testosterone.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: I went to the doctor, I had no testosterone, no progesterone.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: I have way too much estrogen, which evidently makes you bitter and angry and hateful.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's what my family says.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're bitter and hateful and angry.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: But it has messed up my weight and all that.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that and I've been eating white flour.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: But let me I have been on every diet in the world.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: I've done everything.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: I've done whole 30.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: I've done South Beach.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even I have done Weight Watchers.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I praise God that Weight Watchers doesn't have a limit on how many times you can join.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because I have joined Weight Watchers nine times and lost seven pounds in all.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: Come to find out, you have to follow a program.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know that, but I go because the meetings are funny, and it's like it's like going to a comedy club.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: It really is.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's like A8, but it's for people who eat their emotions.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I and that's who I am.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: I eat my emotions.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like my husband would come home and the kids would be fighting, and he'd say something like, What have you done all day?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd eat a hot dog, and I don't even know where it came from.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I had to to keep from drinking whiskey.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to get hooked on whiskey with little children.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, so I joined Weight Watchers so many times, and this last time, uh Oprah bought it.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they had Oprah on TV, and she is twirling pasta on a fork and running through tall grass.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, well, if she can do it, I can do it.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, so um, no, turns out, no, for the ninth time.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: But what the deal is, is they give you a point value on food.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: So fruits and vegetables are free.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: You don't, you don't care, really.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: And like a piece of beef that's the size of a credit card.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's like five points or something like that.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want any of that.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're so hungry when you start that you could eat the wallpaper off the walls.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: You want a Snickers bar, but they're like 12 points.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: My sister goes on it every time I do, and she'll call me and she'll say, It's noon, and I've eaten all my points.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've done every kind of exercise in the world, and when I was y'all's age, I was so gung-ho.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted to go and do, and I wanted to be firm and tone, and then one day I just said, I don't care.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: But, and that's a good feeling too.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: But when I was y'all's age, I was big into CrossFit.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do y'all have crossfit here?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: I hope y'all don't end up in a boot.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: It is bad Mama Jamma.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: And they came to Knoxville, and they, these young boys in their early 20s opened it up, and they were darling.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: And they both had little fannies that looked like baseballs.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted, I wanted my fanny to look like a baseball.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I got my good friend Becky.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: Becky and I joined CrossFit together.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you who don't know, it's like military moves, push-ups, pull-ups, that kind of thing.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: They'd put a big tractor tire in the parking lot and they'd set Becky in it, and I'd pull her across the parking lot while she held her purse.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, these boys came to us one day and they said, hey, we're gonna have a contest, and whoever wins it gets three months of free training.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: And um, it's gonna be up for the women and for the men.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna last 10 weeks.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna take your before and after picture, and then the whole gym is gonna vote on whose body has changed the most.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: We were like, yes.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: So one day we show up, didn't know it was picture day.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: I had on a horrible-looking sports bra that had lost all of its support.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I should have, I should have bezed it the night before.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: It had a gray tint to it, and it really wasn't gray, it was white.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if I'd have known it was gonna be a pitcher day, I'd have gotten a spray tan.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, we could, they said, take your top off to me and Becky, and they go, just leave on your sports bra and your spandex, and we're gonna take your picture.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, whoa, wait a minute.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't want those little boys to not ever want to marry and have children.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, Becky, me and you, we're going in the back.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm taking Becky's picture and she'll take mine.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: So we went in the back, in the back room, and Becky went.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, What are you doing, Becky?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you want to win this thing?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: I want to win it.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I took my spandex and shoved it under my stomach and went.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it was a sight.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: These kids put it on the internet.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what kids do.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: So if y'all Google it and you see this poor woman with her head cut off with these two feed sacks, oh, it was a sight.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: But what they said, they go, okay, you're, and when I saw that, I thought, oh my gosh, you are what you eat, and I look like a big bun, is what I look like.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: But they said, you're going to eat paleo, and it's what God put up on the earth to sustain us.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: So if you can run it down and kill it, dig it out of a ground, pick it off of a bush, you can eat it.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: So that's lean meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries, and seeds.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's no grain, no grain, no dairy.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time any of y'all ever got off of white flour?
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and you still can yell.
• 29:31
  unknown: Okay.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Good for you.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I had the shakes.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: Becky and I both were shaking.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: We drank a bunch of coffee.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: Then we had to have our teeth whitened.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, my husband said, You are so hateful.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Will you please eat a piece of white bread?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it was awful.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've never, I mean, oh, how horrible if somebody had to get off a heroin.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, and I don't know what that's like, but I watched shaft when I was little.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember it being a booger when somebody had to get off a heroin.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: This felt similar.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: It may not have been.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, they took the after picture, and I made sure I had a spray tan.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you that, honey, because a spray tan takes 12 pounds off of you.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I had a spray tan I had on a really cute sports bra and spending.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I took mine, and I'm ashamed to tell y'all, but I won that thing.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so ashamed.