Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 368: Tammy's Takes #44: Did Childhood Trauma Become Your Personality?

Transcript

E 368: Tammy's Takes #44: Did Childhood Trauma Become Your Personality? · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes.
• 0:05
  So as you know, these episodes are based off of my amazing interviews with our guests, and this episode is based off my conversation that I had with Megan DiMatteo.
• 0:15
  She kept saying something, and you know I get off these podcasts and I'm like, "Oh my God, there's so much more I wanna say.
• 0:21
  I could talk to these people forever and ever."
• 0:23
  But what we talked about was something that she said that really stuck with me, and I kept thinking how many of us make the mistake of thinking that our survival personality is who we really are?
• 0:35
  Think about that.
• 0:35
  How many of us do that?
• 0:37
  If you grew up walking on eggshells, let's say maybe you became the peacemaker, right?
• 0:41
  If you were constantly criticized, maybe you became the perfectionist.
• 0:45
  If you never felt emotionally safe, maybe you became the person who never asks for help.
• 0:50
  If love felt unpredictable, what could you have done?
• 0:53
  Maybe you became the people pleaser.
• 0:55
  Here's what's interesting We do these things for so long that eventually we stop questioning them.
• 1:01
  We don't say things like, "I'm acting like this because I learned it."
• 1:05
  We actually say, "This is the way I am.
• 1:07
  It's just who I am.
• 1:09
  It's who I've always been.
• 1:10
  I've always been worried.
• 1:11
  I've always been anxious.
• 1:12
  I've always been the person to take care of everyone.
• 1:15
  I've always put myself last."
• 1:17
  But have you really?
• 1:18
  Or let's think.
• 1:20
  Let's think for a minute.
• 1:21
  Is that simply who you had to become?
• 1:23
  Because those are two completely different things.
• 1:26
  One of the things that I ask clients all the time is, "Who taught you that?"
• 1:30
  And you have to really stop and think about that when you ask yourself that.
• 1:34
  Who taught you that your needs came last?
• 1:36
  Who taught you that your self-worth depended on performance?
• 1:40
  Who taught you that being quiet is what actually kept you safe?
• 1:44
  Who taught you these things?
• 1:45
  Was it your mom?
• 1:46
  Was it your dad?
• 1:46
  Was it your caretaker, your teacher, your coach?
• 1:49
  Who was it?
• 1:50
  We have to think about that because here is what I've learned after working with so many adult children.
• 1:55
  Most of us aren't living from our true identity.
• 1:58
  We're living from adaptations, and adaptations are absolutely amazingly brilliant, so I never want people to think I'm criticizing them for the way they act.
• 2:08
  Your nervous system was incredibly intelligent.
• 2:11
  It figured out how to survive.
• 2:12
  It protected you.
• 2:14
  It kept you connected to the people you depended on, the people that were supposed to be your caretakers, and the people that were sup- supposed to be keeping you safe.
• 2:22
  It kept you connected to them.
• 2:24
  The problem is not that you adapted.
• 2:27
  That's not the problem.
• 2:28
  The problem is that nobody ever came back to you and said, "Hey, Tammy, tell your nervous system this.
• 2:34
  Tell your nervous system you don't have to be that person anymore."
• 2:37
  So today I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to sit and really think about this, not because I expect you to have an answer immediately, because honestly, you probably won't, but because I think at the end
• 2:49
  of the day, it is one of the most healing questions you can ask yourself.
• 2:53
  And that would be this: Who would I be if I no longer believed I had to survive?
• 3:00
  Just think about that for a second.
• 3:02
  Imagine that.
• 3:03
  Would you speak up more?
• 3:05
  Would you finally rest without feeling guilty?
• 3:07
  Would you stop apologizing to everybody?
• 3:09
  Would you start setting boundaries and actually sticking to them?
• 3:12
  Maybe you'd laugh a little more.
• 3:13
  Maybe you'd dance out in public.
• 3:15
  Maybe, just possibly, you would even trust yourself a little more.
• 3:19
  Maybe you'd believe you are enough Who knows?
• 3:23
  Sometimes people tell me, "Tammy, I don't even know who I am anymore."
• 3:27
  And I remember those days that I was like that.
• 3:30
  And what's my answer?
• 3:31
  I tell them it's okay.
• 3:34
  Healing is not about creating a brand-new person.
• 3:36
  People always say, "I wanna be a new me."
• 3:39
  You don't wanna be a new you.
• 3:41
  You want to uncover the person who has been there all along, the one underneath the fear, the one underneath the hypervigilance, underneath the people-pleasing, underneath the abandoning yourself.
• 3:52
  That's who you wanna become, not someone else.
• 3:55
  Simply come home to yourself.
• 3:57
  That is my goal for everybody listening to this podcast.
• 4:00
  So today, here's something I want you to do, and just try it and let me know.
• 4:03
  Grab a journal, grab a piece of paper, grab something and ask yourself this question.
• 4:08
  I want you to write it down.
• 4:10
  Who would I be if I no longer had to survive?
• 4:13
  And don't overthink it.
• 4:14
  Just start writing.
• 4:15
  I call it word vomiting.
• 4:16
  Just start putting.
• 4:17
  stuff on the paper.
• 4:18
  No editing, no judging, just write the answer, whatever comes to you.
• 4:21
  You might be surprised.
• 4:22
  Honestly, you might be really surprised about what comes out.
• 4:26
  So if this brought something up for you today, I want you to know you do not have to figure it out by yourself.
• 4:30
  If you'd like someone to walk this journey with you, please reach out to me.
• 4:34
  Book a free call.
• 4:34
  Book an energy scan.
• 4:36
  Take my course, Trials to Triumph.
• 4:38
  It is a beginner's guide and an adult child's beginning roadmap to your healing journey.
• 4:43
  I did design this course specifically for adult children who are ready to stop surviving and start actually living.
• 4:50
  So right now, if you go to the show notes, it's 90% off.
• 4:52
  Just use the coupon code THRIVE25 and you're gonna get 90% off the course, and I'll walk along with you.
• 4:58
  Guys, you don't have to do this alone.
• 4:59
  You don't have to do this alone, I promise you.
• 5:03
  I encourage you.
• 5:04
  If you did not hear the episode yesterday with Megan DiMatteo.
• 5:08
  Sorry.
• 5:09
  Um, I know her name is spelled Di Matteo, but we went through this whole thing and she pronounces it DiMatteo, and who am I to take her name from her?
• 5:17
  So if you did not hear the message yesterday with Megan DiMatteo, um, check it out.
• 5:23
  Check it out.
• 5:23
  We talked about your identity.
• 5:25
  We talked about healing.
• 5:26
  We talked about people-pleasing.
• 5:27
  We talked a lot about journaling, and we talked a lot about just getting back to your authentic self and being the you that you were born.
• 5:35
  I think if you listen to that episode, it is a conversation that you will carry with you for a long, long time.
• 5:40
  So until next time, remember, you are not broken, you just adapted.
• 5:45
  And underneath every single survival strategy is the person that you have been all along.
• 5:50
  God bless you guys, and I hope to see you back real soon.
• 5:53
  Thanks a lot.
• 5:54
  See you next week.
• 5:55
  Bye-bye.