Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #5: Turning your children into “Savers”

Transcript

#5: Turning your children into “Savers” · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome. This is the Happy Family's Podcast. Actually
0:10
Speaker 1: it's not anymore. It stop the music. We're going all
0:14
Speaker 1: over again. This is now the Positivity Podcast. I've made
0:17
Speaker 1: some changes to my website. I've made a few changes
0:19
Speaker 1: to the way this podcast is going to be running,
0:20
Speaker 1: and in a few weeks you'll start to notice those changes.
0:23
Speaker 1: But let me start that intro again. Hello and welcome.
0:25
Speaker 1: This is the Positivity Podcast. My name's doctor Justin Calson,
0:29
Speaker 1: and this podcast is the podcast that's dedicated to making
0:32
Speaker 1: your life, your work, and your family happier. Today we're
0:36
Speaker 1: going to stick with the parenting theme because that's what
0:38
Speaker 1: you're so used to when you listen to this podcast,
0:40
Speaker 1: and in fact, the next couple of weeks, I'll continue
0:43
Speaker 1: with the parenting content, but I'm going to start missing
0:46
Speaker 1: up mixing things up a little bit after that. Today
0:49
Speaker 1: talking about one of the most controversial parenting issues that
0:53
Speaker 1: I know of. It's the issue of pocket money. And
0:55
Speaker 1: why do I say it's controversial, Well, there's just so
0:58
Speaker 1: many opinions about it, whether or not kids should even
1:01
Speaker 1: be getting it, if they're getting it, how much they
1:03
Speaker 1: should be getting, whether it should be tied to chores
1:05
Speaker 1: or academic success. And I'll tell you some parents devise
1:09
Speaker 1: some pretty elaborate schemes for dishing out the pocket money.
1:12
Speaker 1: I should know. I've got one, and I'm going to
1:14
Speaker 1: tell you a little bit about that in today's podcast.
1:17
Speaker 1: Also in today's podcast, ask doctor justin looking at a
1:21
Speaker 1: mum who's toddler is keeping her up all night, how
1:25
Speaker 1: do you get your kids to sleep in their own bed.
1:27
Speaker 1: I'm going to answer that question for you shortly as well.
1:30
Speaker 1: And I've got a parenting hack that I think you're
1:32
Speaker 1: going to love. If you've ever been in that situation
1:35
Speaker 1: where you give the kids the phone for a few
1:36
Speaker 1: minutes because I don't know how you need to take
1:38
Speaker 1: a shower, because there's been days since you've had a chance,
1:40
Speaker 1: Because life gets like that sometimes, And while they've got
1:43
Speaker 1: the phone, they've done done things on it. They've done
1:47
Speaker 1: things on it that have caused problems. Well, if you're
1:50
Speaker 1: an iPhone user with young kids that get to play
1:52
Speaker 1: on your phone every so often, I have a solution
1:55
Speaker 1: for you that I think you are going to love.
1:57
Speaker 1: That's all coming up on today's podcast. We're talking pocket money.
2:01
Speaker 2: Right after this, your conference is about to start. It's
2:04
Speaker 2: five minutes to go. People are inside taking their chance.
2:07
Speaker 2: I wonder what's going to happen next. Perhaps you're worried
2:10
Speaker 2: about the guest speakers. What will they say? Will it
2:13
Speaker 2: be appropriate, relevance and up to date? Will it be
2:17
Speaker 2: evidence based? Will theay stick to time? Is a game
2:20
Speaker 2: to be boring? You want to be sure the information
2:22
Speaker 2: at your conference will tick all your boxes and give
2:25
Speaker 2: everyone the stuff they want to learn. You want people
2:28
Speaker 2: to come to you at the end of the day
2:29
Speaker 2: and say, Wow, thanks for organizing today. I took so
2:32
Speaker 2: much away from your conference. Dr Justin Coilson can help.
2:36
Speaker 2: He provides keynote speeches from thirty minutes to an hour
2:38
Speaker 2: and a half, workshops from ninety minutes to half days,
2:41
Speaker 2: and even day long seminars.
2:43
Speaker 1: He speaks to school.
2:44
Speaker 2: Kids, professional educators, principles and teachers who are working day
2:48
Speaker 2: to day in the classroom, right through to other professionals
2:51
Speaker 2: like lawyers and bankers who are parents. Because we all
2:54
Speaker 2: want happier families, happier classrooms, and happier workplaces. So what's
3:00
Speaker 2: your next conference about? If you'd like to learn more
3:03
Speaker 2: about getting a speaker who will help your audience learn,
3:05
Speaker 2: laugh and leave with practical tools. They'll empower them to
3:08
Speaker 2: be happier, more productive, and better parents, teachers, people, And
3:13
Speaker 2: if you'd like the credit for having chosen that speaker,
3:15
Speaker 2: visit Justinkilson dot com for more information about booking doctor
3:19
Speaker 2: Justin Kilson as a speaker at your next conference Justinkilson
3:24
Speaker 2: dot com.
3:25
Speaker 1: People tend to learn their money management skills from mum
3:28
Speaker 1: and dad. So what are we teaching our children about money?
3:32
Speaker 1: And what does the way we do pocket money teach
3:35
Speaker 1: them specifically about money and about our attitude to it. Well,
3:39
Speaker 1: there are so many questions to ask when it comes
3:41
Speaker 1: to pocket money. How old should the kids be before
3:43
Speaker 1: they get it, how much should they get? Should it
3:45
Speaker 1: be tied to doing chores or do they just receive
3:48
Speaker 1: it drafters? Do we get to tell them what they're
3:49
Speaker 1: going to spend their pocket money on? What about when
3:53
Speaker 1: they get older? Do we stop giving them pocket money
3:57
Speaker 1: because they've got to go and get a job. Once
3:58
Speaker 1: they've got a job, do we have any say at
4:00
Speaker 1: all in what they're doing with their money? And when
4:02
Speaker 1: does pocket money stop? Generally, so many opinions, so many questions.
4:06
Speaker 1: Let me share with you what research says, and then
4:09
Speaker 1: I'll tell you a bit about what we do in
4:11
Speaker 1: my family when it comes to pocket money, because it
4:14
Speaker 1: seems to be working very very well for us. Research
4:17
Speaker 1: from the Journal of Economic Psychology says that most parents
4:20
Speaker 1: are quite happy to go with pocket money, but there's
4:22
Speaker 1: a lot of contention and a lot of disagreement over
4:24
Speaker 1: whether or not kids should have to do chores to
4:26
Speaker 1: get the pocket money. Seems that parents are pretty well
4:28
Speaker 1: split down the middle on that one. Parents are also
4:31
Speaker 1: quite split about whether or not performance in school exams
4:36
Speaker 1: and on school projects should be financially rewarded. Some say yes,
4:40
Speaker 1: I say no. And also whether or not teenagers should
4:44
Speaker 1: be encouraged to contribute to the house through paying board
4:49
Speaker 1: or through other kinds of contributions, even if they're older
4:52
Speaker 1: and they're working. What parents do agree on is that
4:56
Speaker 1: kids need to learn about money, and it's up to
4:59
Speaker 1: us to make sure that we talk about it. I
5:01
Speaker 1: should also mention this. This was the other thing that
5:03
Speaker 1: I found really interesting. There's a fairly even split among
5:05
Speaker 1: parents who who think that Some parents think that it's
5:09
Speaker 1: okay to with whole pocket money as a punishment, and
5:13
Speaker 1: some parents think that it's okay for kids to make
5:16
Speaker 1: entire with their own decisions when it comes to their money.
5:18
Speaker 1: Other parents think, well, no, no, no, I need to have
5:20
Speaker 1: a say in it, so let's talk about it. How
5:22
Speaker 1: it all works out in terms of what kids are
5:25
Speaker 1: able to do, data tells us pretty clearly that before
5:28
Speaker 1: the age of six, kids have no idea what to
5:30
Speaker 1: do with money. Between six and nine, they start to
5:33
Speaker 1: get a little bit of a clue, but they're usually
5:35
Speaker 1: pretty spend happy and around about by the age of twelve,
5:38
Speaker 1: they're finally getting their heads around having a savings plan
5:42
Speaker 1: and having a bank account. And why is that. Well,
5:44
Speaker 1: the research tells us that kids struggle with the issue
5:47
Speaker 1: of temptation. Basically, there's very little capacity for delayed gratification.
5:52
Speaker 1: If they see something they want, they go and get it.
5:55
Speaker 1: They don't really get that if you spend what you've
5:56
Speaker 1: got right now, then you're not going to have very
5:58
Speaker 1: good spending opportunities in the fire. They just think that
6:01
Speaker 1: the money's going to keep on coming. It grows on
6:03
Speaker 1: a tree in the backyard, don't you know that. And
6:05
Speaker 1: it seems as though the biggest changes in children saving
6:08
Speaker 1: behavior occur somewhere around about the age of nine, and
6:13
Speaker 1: by the time they're twelve they seem to really have
6:15
Speaker 1: a good handle on it. So what are we trying
6:18
Speaker 1: to do with pocket money? This is probably the most
6:20
Speaker 1: important question that we can ask If we want to
6:22
Speaker 1: get this right, it's going to have an impact on
6:23
Speaker 1: how much we give out and what the children learn
6:26
Speaker 1: about it. If we adhere to what we typically consider
6:29
Speaker 1: the Protestant work ethic, our kids are going to have
6:32
Speaker 1: to work hard for their money. They're going to earn it,
6:34
Speaker 1: they're going to learn it, they're going to learn it.
6:35
Speaker 1: There's no free rides. But there are other ideas about
6:38
Speaker 1: pocket money as well. One of my friends doesn't give
6:41
Speaker 1: his children pocket money at all. His idea as well,
6:44
Speaker 1: if you need money, I'll give it to you. He's
6:45
Speaker 1: pretty relaxed about it. He simply says what's at for
6:49
Speaker 1: and if it seems reasonable and he's got the cash,
6:52
Speaker 1: he's happy to hand it over. Now, I'm not sure
6:54
Speaker 1: that this teaches children to value money particularly well, but
6:56
Speaker 1: he's got a master of economics and he's doing fine financially,
7:00
Speaker 1: and I'm sure it's probably going to work out okay
7:02
Speaker 1: for him. My idea is a little bit different Before
7:05
Speaker 1: I tell you about those ideas, though, let me tell
7:07
Speaker 1: you what research says about how most parents view pocket money.
7:12
Speaker 1: My friend's a bit unique. There are two other ways
7:15
Speaker 1: of looking at pocket money and kids. The first is this,
7:18
Speaker 1: there are the parents who try to shield their children
7:20
Speaker 1: from any economic worries and responsibilities. These are the parents
7:24
Speaker 1: who don't even talk about finances in front of the kids.
7:26
Speaker 1: They don't talk about the big purchases. They decide it
7:28
Speaker 1: or behind closed doors. And this approach kind of goes
7:32
Speaker 1: along with that idea that economic matters. I have grown ups,
7:35
Speaker 1: and children should be free of all those kinds of
7:38
Speaker 1: worries because they're only young once. And we call these
7:40
Speaker 1: parents regulators or protectors. Then there's a second group of
7:44
Speaker 1: parents who are really looking into how pocket money can
7:48
Speaker 1: educate their children. They're the ones who act on the
7:51
Speaker 1: assumption that children need to be trained to become economically
7:54
Speaker 1: independent in the future, and they think that it's really
7:58
Speaker 1: important that their kids learn how to budget and how
7:59
Speaker 1: to say and how to delay gratification, how to learn
8:02
Speaker 1: that if you spend the money now, there's not going
8:03
Speaker 1: to be any for later. So they'll often encourage their
8:06
Speaker 1: children to earn their own money so that they can
8:08
Speaker 1: learn the value of money while they're young. And researchers
8:11
Speaker 1: call these kinds of parents educators. Well, it's probably no
8:15
Speaker 1: surprise that in my family we tend to favor the
8:18
Speaker 1: educating paradigm a little more, although I wouldn't say that
8:22
Speaker 1: I'm a strict educator when it comes to money. And
8:24
Speaker 1: I'll explain why. Well, first of all, pocket money in
8:29
Speaker 1: our house is not related to chores. Now, I know
8:31
Speaker 1: some people are saying, all right, that's it. I'm ready
8:33
Speaker 1: to switch off. If the kids think that they're in
8:35
Speaker 1: for a free ride, they can forget it. But in
8:38
Speaker 1: my family, we focus on financial literacy and understanding. Now
8:43
Speaker 1: that's a little bit unusual for educators. They usually link
8:46
Speaker 1: pocket money to chores to teach that you get what
8:48
Speaker 1: you work for. It's that Protestant work ethic thing. But
8:51
Speaker 1: in our home, not related to chores. You just get
8:54
Speaker 1: a certain amount of pocket money each week, and we
8:56
Speaker 1: want you to learn about how to use that. Well,
8:59
Speaker 1: does that make sense. The second thing that we do
9:02
Speaker 1: is we set a budget with each child, so when
9:04
Speaker 1: they get their pocket money, they've got to actually work
9:07
Speaker 1: out what they're going to do with it. And what
9:09
Speaker 1: this does is it provides self efficacy. It makes the
9:12
Speaker 1: kids feel like they can actually control to some extent
9:15
Speaker 1: what's going to happen with their money. So our budget
9:17
Speaker 1: for the kids goes like this. You get your pocket
9:19
Speaker 1: money and you save fifty percent, you donate ten percent
9:23
Speaker 1: through a charitable donations or tithing, and you can spend
9:27
Speaker 1: the other forty percent. The third thing that we do
9:30
Speaker 1: is we set goals with the children, and this helps
9:32
Speaker 1: to control It helps them to delay gratification and sets
9:37
Speaker 1: them up to control their own destiny. So Kylie has
9:40
Speaker 1: Kylie's my wife. Kylie has an exercise book, and when
9:43
Speaker 1: she does pocket money each week with the kids, she
9:45
Speaker 1: sits down with them and opens up the exercise book
9:47
Speaker 1: and his how it looks. So there's an opening balance
9:50
Speaker 1: that shows where the kids were when we started the
9:53
Speaker 1: pocket money. This is where you're up to right now
9:54
Speaker 1: in the bank. So we put that into the budget
9:57
Speaker 1: and then she adds up what income is going to
9:59
Speaker 1: be saved over the next So each term's usually ten weeks.
10:02
Speaker 1: If a child's getting five dollars a week, fifty percent
10:05
Speaker 1: of that is savings, so that's another two dollars fifty
10:08
Speaker 1: a week that has to be saved. That means that
10:11
Speaker 1: they're guaranteed across that ten weeks to save twenty five dollars.
10:15
Speaker 1: Then she says to them, how much more can you
10:17
Speaker 1: save on top of that twenty five dollars? And the
10:20
Speaker 1: kids are expected to set a goal that means that
10:22
Speaker 1: they have to be careful with their spendings. Maybe they
10:25
Speaker 1: actually need to save some of their spendings each week
10:28
Speaker 1: as well over the next ten weeks so that they
10:29
Speaker 1: can get the goal. Maybe they'll say, I'm going to
10:31
Speaker 1: get forty dollars, which means they've got to find another
10:34
Speaker 1: fifteen dollars on top of their absolutely guaranteed put away savings.
10:38
Speaker 1: And something that's really tangible for the kids is we
10:41
Speaker 1: get them to cross off each dollar as they save it.
10:44
Speaker 1: So let's say the goal is forty dollars. We write
10:47
Speaker 1: down the numbers one to forty in the exercise book,
10:49
Speaker 1: and as each dollar is banked, the kids cross them off,
10:52
Speaker 1: and so they can actually see themselves getting closer. It
10:54
Speaker 1: works a treat. The fourth thing that we do is
10:57
Speaker 1: we offer incentives, and this is to boost save motives.
11:02
Speaker 1: I typically argue strongly against incentives but there's a couple
11:06
Speaker 1: of exceptions. One of them is reading. If your kids
11:08
Speaker 1: are reading a book, you can offer them incentive and say,
11:11
Speaker 1: when you finish that book, I'm happy to buy you
11:12
Speaker 1: another book. And the second one is savings. Why would
11:16
Speaker 1: I say, if you save money, I'll give you more money. Well,
11:19
Speaker 1: it gives them more of what they're already doing. It's
11:21
Speaker 1: a bit different to saying if you do this, I'll
11:22
Speaker 1: buy you on ice cream. The two are really unrelated.
11:25
Speaker 1: But if my children are saving money, I can give
11:29
Speaker 1: them more money. You can't say if you've overla and
11:31
Speaker 1: I'll give you another lawn demo. That's not going to
11:33
Speaker 1: be particularly motivating for them. Incentive for saving, though, is
11:37
Speaker 1: more opportunity to save, a more opportunity to learn about money,
11:39
Speaker 1: and the kids get pretty excited about it. If a
11:42
Speaker 1: goal is reached by the date, what we do for
11:45
Speaker 1: the incentive is we give a ten percent incentive. So
11:47
Speaker 1: if I had to get that forty dollars by the
11:49
Speaker 1: end of the term and they get there, we say,
11:51
Speaker 1: guess what, you get a bonus four dollars because you
11:54
Speaker 1: reached your goal. Pretty simple. Now I know that it
11:58
Speaker 1: might sound a bit complex when you think it through,
12:00
Speaker 1: but if you grab a pen and paper and write
12:02
Speaker 1: it down, it's really quite simple. The kids love it,
12:04
Speaker 1: and I've got to tell you my kids are amazing
12:07
Speaker 1: little savers. They love crossing off the numbers in the book,
12:09
Speaker 1: they love setting the goal, they love getting the bonuses,
12:13
Speaker 1: and each week on Pocket Money Day, they get excited
12:16
Speaker 1: about sitting down with Kylie and going through it all
12:18
Speaker 1: and putting it all into their bank accounts. They actually
12:20
Speaker 1: don't like spending it because they love seeing their bank
12:23
Speaker 1: balance go up, and it's even more exciting when they
12:25
Speaker 1: start getting interest as well. Now is this the best
12:28
Speaker 1: way or is it the right way? Well, I probably
12:31
Speaker 1: wouldn't say that. In fact, that's probably being a little
12:34
Speaker 1: bit over the top. But it's something that works really
12:37
Speaker 1: well for us, and align's really well with what psychological
12:39
Speaker 1: and some economical research tells us about children and money
12:44
Speaker 1: and savings and motivation. So I'd love to hear from you.
12:48
Speaker 1: Go to Justin Coulson dot com, slash podcast slash five
12:52
Speaker 1: that's like the number five, and tell me what age
12:54
Speaker 1: do you think is the right age for pocket money
12:58
Speaker 1: and how much do you think is okay for kids
13:01
Speaker 1: at various ages. I'm really interested in your answers. Leave
13:03
Speaker 1: your answer at happy families dot com. No it's not
13:06
Speaker 1: Happy Families. I got excited there. Leave your answer it.
13:08
Speaker 1: Leave your answer at Justincilson dot com, slash podcast, slash
13:12
Speaker 1: five and I'll be right back in a second with
13:15
Speaker 1: a parenting hack and and ask doctor Justin what do
13:18
Speaker 1: I do when my child will not sleep in his
13:21
Speaker 1: or her own bed all night long?
13:23
Speaker 2: We all love our children that sometimes they can make
13:26
Speaker 2: live challenging, and we're all searching for the right answers.
13:29
Speaker 2: In the end, all we want is happy children and
13:31
Speaker 2: happy families. Doctor Justin Colson is one of Australie's most
13:35
Speaker 2: respected parenting voices. He's seminars of equipped and empowered thousands
13:39
Speaker 2: of parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting
13:43
Speaker 2: to a parenting seminar can be tough. There's work and
13:46
Speaker 2: other commitments. Then there's the issue of the children and babysitters.
13:50
Speaker 2: Now you can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from
13:52
Speaker 2: the comfort of your own home and at a time
13:55
Speaker 2: that works for you in this seminar video available online
13:58
Speaker 2: now you're invited. This it in on one of doctor
14:01
Speaker 2: Justin's parenting seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity.
14:05
Speaker 2: Combining parenting research with heartfelt stories, you'll discover the three
14:09
Speaker 2: essential keys to raising a resilient child and creating a
14:13
Speaker 2: happy family. You'll learn how to build a strong connection
14:15
Speaker 2: with your children, how to really understand them, and how
14:19
Speaker 2: to get discipline rights. What your child needs from you.
14:22
Speaker 2: A seminar from doctor Justinkilson at Justinkilson dot com. Download
14:26
Speaker 2: this ninety minute seminar now, or purchase the DVD at
14:30
Speaker 2: Justin Kilson dot teks.
14:32
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Justin, or ask doctor Justin. We have a
14:35
Speaker 1: twenty three almost twenty four month old boy, writes BM.
14:38
Speaker 1: We cuddle him to sleep and he goes into his
14:40
Speaker 1: own bed around eight pm. Anywhere from ten o'clock in
14:44
Speaker 1: the night until one o'clock in the morning. He'll wake
14:47
Speaker 1: up and we then bring him into our bed. Mostly
14:50
Speaker 1: this works. However, he has a habit of playing with
14:53
Speaker 1: my wife's here. Often it hurts her and keeps her awake.
14:56
Speaker 1: We've tried putting him back into his own bed, but
14:58
Speaker 1: he wakes up almost immediately and gets distressed. BM says,
15:03
Speaker 1: we refuse to follow the cry at out method to
15:06
Speaker 1: get him to stay in his own bed. Are you
15:08
Speaker 1: able to offer some advice point us in the right
15:10
Speaker 1: direction on how to get him to settle on his
15:13
Speaker 1: own and stay in his bed all night. Well, here's
15:16
Speaker 1: what I can tell you BM. First off, by the
15:18
Speaker 1: age of two, our toddlers usually need between eleven and
15:20
Speaker 1: twelve hours of sleep every night. They'll usually go to
15:23
Speaker 1: bed between seven and eight pm ish, and they'll usually
15:27
Speaker 1: wake up somewhere between six and seven o'clock in the morning. Obviously,
15:30
Speaker 1: that's going to vary from family to family. Additionally, children
15:34
Speaker 1: between the ages of two and three will still pretty
15:37
Speaker 1: much do best if they can have a daytime nap
15:39
Speaker 1: of something, maybe around ninety minutes a day or thereabouts.
15:43
Speaker 1: And it's also quite normal in our culture at least
15:45
Speaker 1: for children around two years of age to be in
15:47
Speaker 1: their own bedroom and in their own bed. As BM
15:51
Speaker 1: has identified, little ones can be pretty hard to go
15:53
Speaker 1: sleep with, especially once they're toddlers. They tend to move
15:56
Speaker 1: a lot. You've got to be a really funny shape
15:58
Speaker 1: if you want to be able to sleep in the
16:00
Speaker 1: with a toddler and get a proper night's sleep. And
16:02
Speaker 1: most of us are not that crazy bizarre shape. They
16:04
Speaker 1: sleep sideways and upside down and around the wrong way,
16:07
Speaker 1: and it's very, very hard work. Ultimately, nobody does well
16:12
Speaker 1: when everybody's tired and asleep. So there's three options. The
16:16
Speaker 1: way I see it, experts have three different approaches. The
16:20
Speaker 1: first is the hard line approach. This is the hard line,
16:24
Speaker 1: no coddling approach. Parents put their child in the bed,
16:26
Speaker 1: they close the door, and they don't open it again
16:28
Speaker 1: until the morning. If the child's distressed, parents just let
16:31
Speaker 1: them cry it out. And they do this in the
16:33
Speaker 1: mistaken belief that he's going to self soothe. The reality
16:37
Speaker 1: is that he's going to be stressed, he's going to
16:39
Speaker 1: cry until he's too exhausted to cry anymore. He's going
16:42
Speaker 1: to learn that the world is hard and cruel, and
16:44
Speaker 1: no one's going to be there to help. And there's
16:46
Speaker 1: even some significant questions about whether or not babies and
16:51
Speaker 1: young children can genuinely self soothe in these situations. Anyway,
16:55
Speaker 1: I don't like it. I think it's horrible. I think
16:57
Speaker 1: it's absolutely unfair. In fact, it really does border on abuse,
17:02
Speaker 1: even become abusive in some ways. And I'm really glad
17:05
Speaker 1: that BHM has said, I don't do that. The second
17:08
Speaker 1: approach is the I love you, but you're not coming
17:11
Speaker 1: out approach. This is where we are trying to encourage
17:14
Speaker 1: independence in our children. We're doing it gently but firmly.
17:17
Speaker 1: Parents are sort of being told in this situation by
17:20
Speaker 1: the experts who favor this approach, to respond briefly but
17:24
Speaker 1: firmly to their child, explain the expectations, and then tell
17:27
Speaker 1: them to stay in bed and go to sleep. So
17:30
Speaker 1: what the idea here is is that we're discouraging anything
17:33
Speaker 1: that could be interpreted by the child as a positive reinforcement.
17:36
Speaker 1: Once we've laid down the law, we lay in our
17:38
Speaker 1: bed and we suffer in silence, or we stand by
17:41
Speaker 1: the door and we hold it closed while our little
17:43
Speaker 1: one fights in whales and ultimately succumbs to this helpless exhaustion.
17:47
Speaker 1: Quite honestly, I know that it sounds like it's a
17:49
Speaker 1: little bit different, but I think that it's just as
17:50
Speaker 1: bad as the hard line crying it out. It's just
17:53
Speaker 1: that we're trying to do it gently rather than stick
17:54
Speaker 1: in their bed, walking out and calling it quits. I
17:57
Speaker 1: think that it's staggering appalling that a range of experts
18:02
Speaker 1: ignore the various evidence that suggests that both of these
18:05
Speaker 1: approaches are unhealthy, and that there are so many what
18:08
Speaker 1: would you call them sleep trainers or baby sleep doctors
18:11
Speaker 1: that are out there that are saying that either of
18:13
Speaker 1: these things are appropriate. Unless you're a mum who is
18:17
Speaker 1: dealing with post natal depression, you're not sleeping and your
18:20
Speaker 1: life is literally falling apart. I think that these approaches
18:23
Speaker 1: are just terribly damaging for our kids, and we need
18:25
Speaker 1: to avoid them. There is a third approach. It's a
18:27
Speaker 1: much more gentle approach, and it's the approach that I
18:30
Speaker 1: favor strongly. Here's how it goes. We need to be
18:33
Speaker 1: highly responsive to our children's problems and do whatever we
18:38
Speaker 1: can to accommodate them and help them feel loved. So
18:43
Speaker 1: if your child comes to you in the middle of
18:44
Speaker 1: the night, you help him. But the way that your
18:48
Speaker 1: help is also really important. Because gentle parents are not
18:51
Speaker 1: about having no limits, they're not about indulging their kids.
18:53
Speaker 1: They're just about working with their kids in loving, kind
18:56
Speaker 1: ways until they find a good solution. So, as I've
19:00
Speaker 1: with a range of clients, most agree that co sleeping
19:03
Speaker 1: with a toddler doesn't work. I've already explained why that
19:06
Speaker 1: doesn't work. So here's what I recommend. First off, be
19:09
Speaker 1: kind and be responsive anytime your child wants to be
19:12
Speaker 1: close to you, rather than sleeping together in your bed,
19:17
Speaker 1: have a chat ahead of time before they come to
19:20
Speaker 1: you in the middle of the night, and agree ahead
19:23
Speaker 1: of time with your toddler that one of you will
19:26
Speaker 1: take him or her back to bed whenever they get
19:30
Speaker 1: distressed in the night, and then just lay in bed
19:33
Speaker 1: with your little one, or lay on the carpet beside
19:35
Speaker 1: the bed as he goes back to sleep. I often
19:38
Speaker 1: have taken my pillow with me when I've done this,
19:40
Speaker 1: and I'll lay on the floor with my head on
19:42
Speaker 1: my pillow on my arm, reaching up onto the bed,
19:44
Speaker 1: patting my child back off to sleep, and once they
19:46
Speaker 1: settle back to sleep, stay there until they're in a
19:49
Speaker 1: deep sleep before you go back to your own bed. Now,
19:53
Speaker 1: sometimes they're going to notice that you're gone, and I'll
19:55
Speaker 1: come back in and you may have some interrupted nights,
19:58
Speaker 1: maybe for a week or two, maybe even for up
20:00
Speaker 1: to a month or two. It's unusual that it would
20:02
Speaker 1: go that long, but sometimes it can. I just think
20:04
Speaker 1: that's part of parenting, and that's part of the inconvenience
20:07
Speaker 1: of parenting. If you really want to love your kids
20:11
Speaker 1: like crazy, this is what I think works best, even
20:14
Speaker 1: if it is a bit inconvenient. He's only little, but
20:18
Speaker 1: even at this age, you can have conversations about his
20:20
Speaker 1: feelings and you can explain what you want him to do.
20:23
Speaker 1: But make sure that you keep the pressure low. I
20:25
Speaker 1: think this is another thing that parents get wrong a lot.
20:27
Speaker 1: We start to get really controlling, really high pressured, and
20:30
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the kids start to get anxious
20:33
Speaker 1: about sleep. I wouldn't even make a big deal of it.
20:35
Speaker 1: I just mentioned how you seem to be having a
20:37
Speaker 1: really hard time sleeping last night. Have a chat about it,
20:40
Speaker 1: and then say I'll do whatever I can to make
20:42
Speaker 1: you feel safe. Always, always, always avoid bribes and star
20:47
Speaker 1: charts and rewards, because, except in some really unusual cases,
20:52
Speaker 1: these often exacerbate the problem because it shines extra light
20:56
Speaker 1: on the problem and it makes your little one feel
20:58
Speaker 1: like he's being punished if you can't succeed because he
21:01
Speaker 1: can't get the rewards. He can't get the stars, he
21:03
Speaker 1: can't get the goodies, and clearly he can't do that
21:07
Speaker 1: right now, so he's going to feel like he's a failure.
21:08
Speaker 1: You feel anxious, feel horrible, and you might also consider
21:11
Speaker 1: some options like a soft light, a gentle music soundtrack
21:15
Speaker 1: on repeat, or maybe even a favorite toy to go
21:18
Speaker 1: to sleep with as well. I mean, look, there's no
21:20
Speaker 1: question at all that having toddlers who don't sleep, it's exhausting,
21:24
Speaker 1: it's inconvenient, and honestly, it's just plain annoying. We all
21:29
Speaker 1: know that everybody needs their sleep, We need it for sanity.
21:33
Speaker 1: The reality is, though, that this is probably going to
21:35
Speaker 1: be a fairly brief window of time. It's unusual that
21:37
Speaker 1: kids go through this for a long long time. It
21:39
Speaker 1: does happen from time to time, but it's unusual. And
21:42
Speaker 1: in another handful of all two quick years, your son
21:47
Speaker 1: isn't going to want to be anywhere near your bed,
21:50
Speaker 1: and those really precious late night cuddles and comfort are
21:53
Speaker 1: going to be nothing more than just a memory of
21:55
Speaker 1: a childhood that passed way too fast. So we're looking
21:59
Speaker 1: really here for a patient and gentle approach. It can
22:02
Speaker 1: help him feel secure and ultimately help him sleep well.
22:05
Speaker 1: So that's my ask doctor justin for this week. If
22:07
Speaker 1: you have any questions you'd like to ask about parenting
22:11
Speaker 1: or just about being happy in life. Justinculson dot com
22:14
Speaker 1: slash questions. You can either let me a voicemail message
22:17
Speaker 1: or email me with your question. That's justinculson dot com
22:20
Speaker 1: slash questions. Okay, up next? How to let your kids
22:24
Speaker 1: play with your iPhones safely at those times when you
22:27
Speaker 1: really need to keep them busy for a few minutes
22:29
Speaker 1: so you can get something done and not feel bad
22:32
Speaker 1: or guilty or have any major dramas.
22:35
Speaker 3: Toilet training it's a milestone that parents.
22:38
Speaker 1: Look forward to.
22:39
Speaker 3: What is the best way to toilet train our children successfully?
22:43
Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess, no Fuss
22:47
Speaker 3: ebook to help call toilet training easiest one two weeks.
22:51
Speaker 3: Written for busy parents, you'll whizz through a clear over
22:54
Speaker 3: view of toilet training without getting bogged in too much detail.
22:58
Speaker 3: At just over twenty pages, earbook can be digested in
23:01
Speaker 3: under thirty minutes. You'll find straight shooting answers about toilet
23:06
Speaker 3: training based on scientific research, like how to know when
23:10
Speaker 3: your child is ready to toilet train? Myths and conspiracy
23:13
Speaker 3: theories about toilet training, and the most popular toilet training
23:17
Speaker 3: approaches and what science.
23:19
Speaker 1: Says about them.
23:20
Speaker 3: Some toilet training guides take longer to read than it
23:23
Speaker 3: should take to toilet train a child. This is the
23:25
Speaker 3: fast flowing alternative to get your kids going at the
23:28
Speaker 3: right time, in the right ways and the right way
23:32
Speaker 3: toilet training easy as one two WI available at major
23:36
Speaker 3: online booksellers now or at Justin Coulson dot com.
23:40
Speaker 1: This is a parenting hack for parents who use the
23:43
Speaker 1: iPhone or the iPad, although I'm sure that some other devices,
23:45
Speaker 1: the Android devices have got something similar. I don't know
23:48
Speaker 1: if you know this or not, but your iPhone has
23:49
Speaker 1: a setting that allows you to lock your child onto
23:52
Speaker 1: a screen so that they can't hit the home button
23:55
Speaker 1: to get out of it and go into all of
23:56
Speaker 1: your other apps. They can't even turn the volume up,
23:59
Speaker 1: which is fantastic if you're in a surgery or the
24:02
Speaker 1: shops and you need them to keep the noise down. Now,
24:05
Speaker 1: before I tell you about the hack, I'm not an
24:06
Speaker 1: advocate of handing the phone over to the kids to
24:08
Speaker 1: keep them busy, but there are times, like when you're
24:11
Speaker 1: in a doctor's surgery waiting room, where it's just really
24:14
Speaker 1: nice to be able to give the kids the iPhone
24:18
Speaker 1: or the iPad and it works out. As a quick,
24:21
Speaker 1: cheap little babysitter. Maybe you just haven't been able to
24:24
Speaker 1: have a nap for four days and your exhausted, or
24:26
Speaker 1: you've got to have a shower because you haven't had
24:28
Speaker 1: one of them for four days either, or something like that.
24:30
Speaker 1: So if this has happened to you, you've given them
24:33
Speaker 1: the hand, given them the iPhone, You've handed it over
24:36
Speaker 1: and they've gone through your phone book and they've called
24:39
Speaker 1: the boss ten times, or you know that time where
24:42
Speaker 1: you handle them the iPhone and they turn the volume
24:44
Speaker 1: all the way up in the middle of a church
24:45
Speaker 1: meeting or something like that. This is what we can use.
24:48
Speaker 1: It's called guided access. What you do is you go
24:51
Speaker 1: into your iPhone settings, click on General and then click
24:55
Speaker 1: on accessibility. So into your settings General and Accessibility. If
24:59
Speaker 1: you scroll down, you'll see something called guided access. It'll
25:03
Speaker 1: be under the learning section in your accessibility component of
25:07
Speaker 1: the phone. And switch the switch to on. Once you've
25:10
Speaker 1: slid the lever to on, you create a password and
25:14
Speaker 1: that's all you've got to create the password once. That's it.
25:17
Speaker 1: So i'll go through that again. Go to iPhone settings,
25:19
Speaker 1: click on General, click on accessibility, scroll down until you
25:22
Speaker 1: see guided access under the learning section, switch it to on,
25:26
Speaker 1: create a password. You're done. Then when you want your
25:30
Speaker 1: child to use the phone, you go to the screen
25:32
Speaker 1: that you're happy for them to use and you triple
25:34
Speaker 1: click the button, the home button. It'll ask you to
25:37
Speaker 1: circle on your screen any areas that you want to disable,
25:40
Speaker 1: and then you just use your finger to circle whatever
25:43
Speaker 1: you want to disable. You don't have to circle anything,
25:45
Speaker 1: by the way, or you can select some parts of
25:48
Speaker 1: the screen. Then you press the start icon in the
25:52
Speaker 1: top right of the screen and everything is disabled, including
25:55
Speaker 1: the home button. It's amazing. And then if you want
25:58
Speaker 1: to exit parent mode, you just trip click your home
26:00
Speaker 1: button again, type in your password, and that's it. Okay,
26:04
Speaker 1: I'm going to be back in just a sec with
26:06
Speaker 1: an announcement about a few changes that are going on
26:09
Speaker 1: here with The Happy Family's podcast.
26:12
Speaker 4: Are you pulling your hair out because your child won't listen,
26:15
Speaker 4: won't do what your request? Do you find yourself shouting
26:18
Speaker 4: at the children because you just don't know what else
26:20
Speaker 4: to do. Do you have a child who is aggressive
26:22
Speaker 4: or hurting you or his or her siblings, or are
26:26
Speaker 4: you dealing with a child that is back chatting or disrespectful.
26:29
Speaker 4: Are you finding parenting more challenging than you ever thought possible?
26:33
Speaker 4: Doctor Justin Coulson provides one on one parenting coaching via
26:37
Speaker 4: Skype or phone and can help you with parenting coaching.
26:41
Speaker 4: You'll receive personalized individual guidance design specifically for your family's
26:46
Speaker 4: unique circumstances. Find solutions to the parenting problems that are
26:50
Speaker 4: driving you crazy, effective discipline strategies where you can stop
26:54
Speaker 4: being the drill sergeant, a better relationship with your children,
26:58
Speaker 4: and a happier home wherever every one looks forward to
27:00
Speaker 4: being together. For more details and a coaching package that
27:04
Speaker 4: will suit you, visit Justincolson dot com Forward slash Coaching
27:09
Speaker 4: Welcome back.
27:09
Speaker 1: Well, you may have noticed that the podcast has changed.
27:12
Speaker 1: The ads have changed. I'm no longer using Happy Families
27:15
Speaker 1: dot com dot au, my website's been rebranded, and there's
27:20
Speaker 1: been some fairly significant changes all the way around. I'm
27:23
Speaker 1: still going to be sharing lots of information about making
27:25
Speaker 1: families happy. That is what I do, That's what I've
27:27
Speaker 1: built my brand around and built my business around. But
27:30
Speaker 1: I'm going to be calling the podcast the Positivity Podcast
27:33
Speaker 1: from now on, and I'm going to be focusing on
27:35
Speaker 1: how positive psychology tells us that we as individuals can
27:40
Speaker 1: be happier. I've got another couple of podcasts next week
27:44
Speaker 1: and the week after, all about parenting. I'm really excited
27:46
Speaker 1: to share them with you, and that's why I've decided
27:48
Speaker 1: to continue that content for a little while, and then
27:51
Speaker 1: there's going to be just a slight shift. I think
27:53
Speaker 1: that you'll still love the podcast. You're still going to
27:55
Speaker 1: find it inspirational and helpful and whatever else it is
27:57
Speaker 1: that you enjoy about it. Hopefully you'll still get that,
28:00
Speaker 1: but we're going to shift from happy families to positivity,
28:05
Speaker 1: and I think that you're going to find that it's
28:06
Speaker 1: going to still be equally applicable, but not entirely about families.
28:10
Speaker 1: It's going to be about you as well. I'm also
28:13
Speaker 1: going to be telling you about some other exciting announcements
28:15
Speaker 1: in the coming weeks in terms of programs that I'm
28:18
Speaker 1: organizing to have online for you, and other great products
28:22
Speaker 1: that I'm about to be launching that I think you're
28:23
Speaker 1: going to love hearing about. But that's pretty much it
28:27
Speaker 1: for this week. I hope it's been a terrifically useful
28:30
Speaker 1: podcast for you. If you've got any questions that you'd
28:32
Speaker 1: like me to answer, go to Justin Coulson dot com
28:34
Speaker 1: slash questions and I'll do my best to answer you
28:37
Speaker 1: in an upcoming podcast. You can leave a voice message
28:39
Speaker 1: there or you can send me an email. And if
28:41
Speaker 1: you have enjoyed this podcast this episode, you can find
28:45
Speaker 1: the outline and the resource links in the show notes
28:47
Speaker 1: at Justincilson dot com slash podcast slash five as in
28:52
Speaker 1: the number five. Also, can I ask you this If
28:55
Speaker 1: the podcast is helpful, I'd be so grateful if you'd
28:57
Speaker 1: tell people about it. The easiest way to do that
28:59
Speaker 1: is just go to Justincaurson dot com slash podcast slash five.
29:03
Speaker 1: You'll find a prepopulated Twitter or Facebook post that you
29:05
Speaker 1: can share with your friends and followers to get the
29:07
Speaker 1: word out about the podcast. And I'd be even more
29:09
Speaker 1: grateful if you do what a handful of people have
29:11
Speaker 1: done now and rate the podcast on iTunes. As soon
29:14
Speaker 1: as you rate that podcast on iTunes, it increases the
29:17
Speaker 1: likelihood that people will discover the podcast. The ratings basically
29:21
Speaker 1: boost the visibility of the podcast. Other people get to
29:24
Speaker 1: find out that it's there, and therefore they get to
29:26
Speaker 1: find out how I can help to make their family
29:29
Speaker 1: or their individual lives or workplaces happier. And of course
29:32
Speaker 1: you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well.
29:35
Speaker 1: So that's it for this week. I'll have another podcast
29:37
Speaker 1: ready to go for you next week. Until then, remember
29:40
Speaker 1: you don't have to be the best parent in the world.
29:43
Speaker 1: You just have to be the best parent in your
29:45
Speaker 1: children's world.